Disclaimer: As always, I don't own Harry Potter, the characters therein, or the ideas represented in any of the Harry Potter series. I make absolutely zero profit from this project, and am only attempting this for my personal enjoyment of creative writing. I am poor. Please don't sue me.

What Do I Feel?

Harry thought about it for the rest of the month. He had no idea what it was that he actually felt. He had been forcing himself not to feel anything for so long that now he wasn't sure what it was that he was feeling. In the Dursley household he wasn't actually able to feel anything other that the torment of being in that house. Sure it hadn't been very exciting and he had always felt like he was being punished for something, but he at least knew what it was that he was feeling when he was there. There were only so many feelings that he could experience in that sort of atmosphere.

When he finally got away he hadn't been allowed to feel much of any emotion except for that short period of time at the start. The idea of Voldemort and Snape made him wonder if the Dursleys were all that bad. At least the Dursleys seemed to have a reason to hat him when people like Snape had no reason at all. Voldemort was just a strange villain that didn't really make much of any sense. He was just him and there was no point in making sense of that.

That was where the list of deaths started, and Harry had crawled back into the defense of that little crawlspace again. The crawlspace was safe, no one would hurt him there and nothing could ever get to him until he was ready to face it. Cedric had died, and he had crawled right into the crawlspace that he had built in his psyche. He wasn't going to allow himself to be beaten just because Voldemort showed himself to be an even bigger bully then they had thought. He wasn't going to let himself become a basket case over a death that wasn't his fault. He wouldn't let himself sink into depression because of it.

Of course he had let himself fall into depression, he had blamed himself, and he had let himself be beaten as a result of it. It had been his fault. If he had just decided to take the stupid cup then it never would have happened. He could have just reached up there and said, 'I win' and then it would have been him that had been taken instead. Cedric would have still been alive and everyone would have been so much happier. Even if it had been a tradeoff where Harry had lost his life instead of Cedric, it would have been a happy ending for everyone.

He had managed not to beat himself up too much about it and keep going…and then it happened. Sirius died right in front of him. Again he had been in a position where he could have done any number of things to save him, but instead, he had stood there and watched as his godfather had been killed right before his eyes. A pain that made everything that he had ever felt from the Dursleys rushed back to him, and he had been left with nothing but the Dursleys to go back to. He had sealed himself in that little mental crawlspace again where no one could see him and no one could hurt him. He had become apathetic to the world around him, and it all seemed to be perfectly within fairness to him.

He had been sealed in that little crawlspace for so long now that he had forgotten what it was to feel. He had forgotten how it felt to care what happened around him, or what he could do now to stop it from happening again. He had managed to stop himself from caring about anything and now he didn't know if he could open himself up again to find out what he felt. To keep himself numb to emotion he had to keep going without knowing how he felt for Hermione, or if anything that Blake had said was true. He had to keep himself cut off, or he would realize how alone he truly was without Sirius. He needed to keep himself cut off or he would realize that he didn't have a family any more.

He'd just have to focus a little bit more on Quidditch or something. Maybe fill his life with studying and practice, that way he wouldn't have time to feel anything. Everything would be perfect that way and no one would know hoe much he hurt. He'd surround himself with things to do that way no one would ever be able to reach him and tell him how much he was hurting. He'd keep himself away from the emotions by refusing to accept them as existing. He wouldn't feel and everything would be fine.

The words of Blake ran through his head, 'So what do you think about that Hermione girl?'

Harry started running, "I don't feel anything. I won't let myself feel anything." He pushed open a door and ran out into the grounds of the school, "I won't let anyone get close to me because if they get close they will just die. I won't let anyone die because of me anymore!"

He looked down at the lake and stared at it for a moment. When he had been running he had no real direction set in his head, yet he had ended up here. He remembered receiving the letter that said that something was wrong with the carriages that were pulled by the thestrals. Apparently someone has made a complaint about the dangers of thestrals or something and in the end, the argument had carried into the new year so the school had opted not to use them.

There wasn't really anything dangerous at all about the thestrals. They were just big gentle beasts. They were like Hagrid. Once you spent some time with them they weren't so frightening. Then again, there were always the arguments that they shouldn't have a giant teaching at an establishment like Hogwarts. It never got anywhere with people like Dumbledore around, but it was still an argument that got made, because there were always people with some complaint.

Harry knew there was nothing wrong with Hagrid teaching, or the thestrals being used as transport. Hagrid was the gentlest person that he had ever met. The thestrals hadn't attacked anyone that he knew of. He had even ridden on one. Of course in the end that had resulted in him being in a dangerous situation, but that couldn't be blamed on the thestral. It wasn't its fault that he had gone off to fight with the dark lord Voldemort. He would have found another way if the thestrals hadn't been there.

He sighed. It was true. Every single outcome there had him watching as his godfather was killed. He would have found some way to rush off into battle, and he would have seen Sirius get killed. It wasn't anyone's fault that he saw that other than himself, and now it haunted all of his dreams. How was he supposed to open up to the people around him with things like tat haunting him? How was he supposed to move on when he felt like he could just fall apart with any movement?

How had all of this come up anyway? Blake had just gone on a tangent and expected him to say something. That was it. He was sure of it now. Blake was just trying to get him to admit that he had some sort of feelings for their resident bookworm, Hermione. He wasn't sure why, but that appeared to be what motivated Blake. Well, it didn't really matter. Hermione was always going to be Hermione, and she was always just going to be a friend. Harry knew that. Hermione didn't want to be anything more than a friend, so it didn't even matter. Her and Ron made a much better couple anyway. He'd just have to sit back and let her choose Ron, even if he did like her, which he wasn't saying that he did. He still had that whole Cho thing to deal with.

☼

Ron stared at the floor as he wandered down the halls. It was like Blake knew how he felt about Hermione and was just trying to play with his head or something. It was like everyone was secretly laughing at him, only not so secretly that he didn't know. This whole thing felt like he had just walked into potions class without any pants on, and then Snape singled him out. He didn't necessarily mind the idea of wandering around with no pants on in front of Hermione- He stopped and put both of his hands in front of his mouth. He wasn't thinking that. He wasn't fantasizing about her now…was he? No, this had to be his mind dealing with all of the stress of Harry wandering around acting all weird.

This was Blake's fault! He had brought the whole Hermione thing to Harry's attention. It was Blake's fault that Harry was realizing just how much he needed Hermione in his life, and just how much she wanted him in hers. It was all Blake's fault and it was all completely unfair! This wasn't how things were supposed to go! This wasn't what Ron had wanted at all!

But…it was, wasn't it? He had said to himself that he was just going to stand back and let Hermione and Harry get together. Blake was just speeding things up a little, so why was all of this anger coming up? Blake had done what needed to be done for Ron to do what he had promised to do. Why was he so upset about it now? It didn't make any sense!

Of course he wanted Hermione to be with him, but that contradicted the desire for Harry and Hermione to make their perfect couple. He knew that he wanted that, and everyone else wanted that too! There was no point in fighting something like Hermione's wish to be with Harry. There wasn't any point in standing between the two of them, because it would just end with him being crushed…not that he minded the idea of being crushed against much of anything by Hermione…

"Ugh…I've got to stop thinking about this…" Ron shook his head to try and clear the mental image from his mind.

That was the sort of thing that Fred and George would have suggested just to see him blush. They were always up to those sort of tricks. He wondered briefly if they were still up to those sort of tricks, then remembered that they were running a joke store. Of course they were still pulling tricks out of their butts…or pulling something out of their butts, which would provide a trick. It didn't matter, it was obvious that they were still up to their usual mischief.

Hermione had never been a big fan of their tricks, but now it didn't matter since they weren't here. He should have been able to just walk up to Hermione with nothing like the twins that she could hold against him and say, "Hey doll, what are you up to?" and that would be that.

"Ron, that is the weakest pickup that I have ever heard. I mean it might work on someone, but I extremely doubt it. You'd be better off just sitting there and waiting for whoever you are chasing to talk to you." It was Blake.

Well this could have been so much worse. It took Ron a moment before he could think of a way and then they all started showing up. It would have been worse if it had been Draco instead of Blake. It would have been even worse than that if it had been Hermione. Well, that didn't matter. He had just been thinking out loud and now he had someone to answer to.

He chuckled weakly as he turned to face the scarlet haired boy, "Heh…did I say that out loud?"

"Would you believe that you did?" Blake grinned, "So who is the lucky lady who'll be getting some Weasley charm?"

Ron stopped. This was not good. Talking to Blake about Hermione was bad in so many ways. Hermione was Harry's even if he didn't know it yet. Talking to Blake about it would just be inviting a few too many people to listen to the secret. It'd be better if he just managed to come up with another story. Of course another story wasn't really introducing itself very quickly.

"Hey, uh, Blake…" Ron looked at him a little blush creeping into his cheeks, "I was wondering if you wanted to play some wizard chess."

Blake smiled softly as he nodded to Ron, "Alright…but when I've beaten you, you'd better have a better way to dodge the question than that, okay?

((AN: Wow…that took a while to get rolling. And now, because I've broken through that little spat of Writer's Block, I've got a flood of ideas coming on. Bah, oh well. I've also got a copy of Pirates! to go back to playing.))