Mutsumi knows - Part 6. Nothing. Again, nothing.
I'm lying across a bank of the seats in the station cafeteria, recovering. Not the best of starts to my renewed relationship! I suppose this was always likely to happen, but I don't want Na-Chan and Kei-kun to think of me as an invalid. It's their friendship I'm hoping for, not their sympathy.
"I'm sorry", I say. "I've always been a bit delicate - you see, ever since I was a child I've been prone to light headedness and anemia".
Well it's maybe not the full story, but I suppose it's true enough.
I sit up, adding "but I feel just fine now."
Actually, now that the ice has finally been broken, I feel more than fine ... even though I'm not sure if I could stand up.
Kei-kun says "You should try to take it easy".
Oh, he is still my Kei-kun, he still cares about me! And, looking at him, it's like he hasn't changed at all.
Suddenly, in my imagination, I'm back in the sandpit with my two playmates. There's just one thing spoiling the picture. So, I reach over to Kei-kun, and I remove his glasses, and now time melts away completely. I'm in the moment where I've just told him "they say if two people who love each other get into Tokyo University ...". All I have to do now is kiss him, and he will blush like he did that first time. And his eyes, his whole face ... they're just so cute! I am drawn like a magnet, or maybe like a moth to a flame ...
"Hey!"
Ara! I was so close .. but I mustn't! That yell from Naru reminds me that it wouldn't be fair to her. I can tell from the anguish in her voice that I almost stepped over the line ... maybe I did step over the line. Yes. Now, how can I make up for my mistake? How can I put things right?
"I'm so sorry", I say to Kei-kun "you're so cute. Are you eighteen yet?"
Of course I know he is more than eighteen, but he just seems so much like the young Kei-kun of my memories, that knowing and believing are two different things.
"Hey I'm twenty!" he replies. "Don't you remember? We met at Tokyo U!"
"Oh yes, I remember - but I only saw you for a second or two then. By the way, I'm sorry about bumping into you back then, it's just that I'm so clumsy. But, you must remember me from some time before then, because you know my name!"
"Oh, that! When I knocked you over before the test - and it was me that bumped into you by the way, not the other way round, and I'm really sorry about that - well you were unconscious for a minute or so just like today. And when you were coming out of it, you repeated your name and your examination entrance number over and over to yourself, as if you didn't want to forget them".
Ara. Well, that would explain it. But, I had been really hoping for something more.
"Still, I think ..."
but my next words are interrupted, because I knock over the glass of cola which is in front of me, and it all goes into Naru's lap. Oh dear!
Kei-kun says "I've got a handkerchief somewhere" - and knocks his glass over too.
"Aaaauuuu!" squeals Naru, now thoroughly drenched.
"I am so sorry Naru!" I say, at about the same time as Kei-kun says it.
Oops. Will they ask now how I know Naru's name?
Kei is too preoccupied to notice my slip. Naru is too upset to notice, but I can tell that she is unhappy about my presence here. She is suspicious about me, as if she can sense that I might come between her and her Keitaro. I made a big mistake when I almost kissed Kei-kun, and another big mistake with my clumsiness just now. Everything is going wrong! Perhaps it was a mistake to chase after them like this. Perhaps I should cut my losses, and take my leave. There's always next year, I suppose.
"Well, thanks again you two, Goodbye!"
"Take care Mutsumi! See you around!" Keitaro replies.
And I walk away, not really caring about the direction I head in. Does it matter? See you around, Kei-kun, Na-chan. Yes, maybe at next year's tests. Maybe. If with my empty wallet I can get back to Tokyo .. Back to my empty rented apartment there, and my empty life..
If only I could have asked them for their addresses, or given them my address, or told them all I know about the promises we once made, or anything! But I know if I'd done anything like that it would have raised Naru's suspicions even more.
After a while it occurs to me that maybe I should care about where I'm going, so I look ahead, and see the station cafe, with Naru and Kei-kun still sat at their table. Oops! I must have gone in a big circle. I turn around and walk away again, this time trying hard to make sure I turn neither to the right nor to the left.
A big circle? In a giant train station there are no big circles. None that don't lead over the edge of a platform, anyway. Is it possible that in my wanderings I almost became a statistic? But no, that isn't possible, I still have my protectress to look after me. I close my eyes to reassure myself of her presence.
Nothing.
I'm in a panic now, running almost randomly, but not blindly. I'm watching very carefully where my feet land, making sure I don't go too near the edge of any platforms. I just want to get out, but the station seems to have grown to world-filling proportions, or maybe I have shrunk. It's a nightmare, without an end. I pinch myself to check that I'm still awake, and I am. I run, and run, until I trip and fall...
... and land on Kei-kun's shoulder. Somehow I am back at the cafe yet again. I wrap my arms around him. I don't want to let go, ever.
"Mutsumi, what are you doing?" asks Kei-kun.
"I'm sorry, I'm still not feeling very well."
"I have had enough!" yells Naru, bringing her fists down onto the table. Unfortunately this causes the other side of the table to flip up into the air, catching Kei-kun with what looks like a very painful blow under the chin. We both go crashing down to the ground, where we lie, Kei-kun and me, me with my arms still around him. It could be a moment to savour, except that my mind is still filled with thoughts of panic, and I feel very faint and ill. Where is my protectress?
A minute or so later we are all sat around the table again.
Naru says "Goodness! Are you OK? You really shouldn't be travelling alone with such frail health - it could be dangerous."
"I know", I reply, "I've just been so depressed since I failed the exam to get into Tokyo U that I've been walking in circles".
"You failed too?" asks Naru.
"Hey," says Keitaro "we failed the exam for Tokyo U too and that's why we're here on vacation."
Naru adds "Yeah. This guy here failed three times already."
"That's really bad" I say. "Wow, you're really dumb". I hope he can tell I didn't mean that seriously.
"As dumb as they come, you can say that again" is Naru's reply. I thought she would have stood up for him. I hope she isn't any more serious than I was.
Time to drop my first bombshell, I suppose. "Well I shouldn't talk - this is the third time in a row I've failed the exam!"
"You mean you failed the test after taking it three years in a row?"
"That's right!"
Suddenly kei-kun brightens up. At last, it seems like I've said the right thing. He is so happy to have met someone who is so much like him. Soon we are comparing our records of failure, each trying to outdo the other.
"Get a load of this. I am so dumb that in December my scores were only 50!"
"Oh yeah? Well I got 49, just try and top that!"
And so on. I am so happy now. But, the moment can't last, and soon I am lying down again feeling totally exhausted.
"Shouldn't we make sure that she gets home OK wherever that is?" says Naru to Keitaro. "Come to think of it, where is her home anyway?"
I know I should tell them about my apartment in Tokyo. But I can sense that the moment I do that Naru will make sure I get a ticket for the next train back to Tokyo, and she will continue her tour with Kei-kun. The Tokyo trains are frequent at this time of day. In just minutes I could be saying goodbye to my new-found friends, and goodbye to my new-found feeling of happiness.
"Okinawa, that's where." I say.
"Aauh? Okinawa?"
The next few days are a total blur. There was a bit more shock for Naru when I explained that I had mislaid my wallet, and then Keitaro found that he had mislaid his wallet too. The only one of us who actually had access to any money was Naru. I felt uncomfortable about relying on her generosity, but I did assure her that I would pay her back just as soon as I got home.
From then on it was all hitching rides in the backs of lorries, usually ones which turned out to be going the wrong way. Everywhere seems to look the same when viewed from the back of a lorry, and all the towns just merged into one. The only place that does stand out in my mind is Nagoya, because there we did actually get to see some of the sights. I'm afraid I made another gaffe by trying to show off my extensive knowledge of Nagoya castle, a small part of the legacy of my years of intensive studying. This just made Kei-kun think that I was a local, and that they had finally managed to deliver me safely home. Even after Naru corrected him, I don't think he was impressed by my encyclopedic knowledge. He is most comfortable with me when I am an even more impressive failure than he is, so perhaps I shouldn't try too hard to impress him.
In Nagoya I was also able to slip away briefly and tie up some loose ends by making a couple of reverse-charges phone calls. one to my landlord asking him to pack up my belongings and ship them to Okinawa, and add the shipping costs (and the cost of the reverse charge phone call) to my bill. And then another call, this time to home.
"Hi Mom. No, I'm sorry, I didn't pass. No, I haven't lost all my money or my credit card, I just had to set off on a journey without bringing them with me. I'm sure they'll get home eventually. So I'm having to borrow, and to sleep in the back of a lorry. I don't actually know when I'll be home. No, I don't think it's affecting my health, I'm really feeling great - but I did collapse three times in Kyoto train station. The best news is, I did find Na-Chan and Kei-Kun! I'm bringing them along with me. I've a feeling they won't stay for long, but please make sure that the guest accomodation is ready. Thanks, mom! I love you mom!"
The only other incident that sticks in my mind from this hobo-like journey across Japan is when we were in the back of a lorry and I was resting, and the others thought I was asleep. Naru and Kei were arguing about me, as I thought they might. What made my heart skip a beat was when Naru said to Kei "I already told you, there's nothing between us". Did she really mean it? Dare I ask her myself? "Na-chan, there was a time when we were very little, and you loved Kei-kun, and I loved him too, but he loved you more than anything. I promised you then that I wouldn't stand in your way, that you could marry him. If there really is nothing between you now, then will you release me from that promise? Please?" No, I can't do it. I'm too afraid of what her answer will be. Some day I will have to do it, perhaps, but not now.
And then the lorry braked suddenly, and Kei-kun fell over and accidentally landed on top of Na-chan, and I could see from the look in his eyes as he gazed at her in that moment: Even if she didn't care about him, he cared about her. Could he ever care the same way about me?
Finally we are aboard the ferry heading for Okinawa. At last, we have a cabin with bunk beds, and access to showers. It's not the most luxurious accomodation, but it looks like luxury to me now. I will certainly be making use of the washroom facilities ... but first, while everyone else on deck is enjoying the beautiful view of mount Sakurajima receding into the distance, I go to the front of the boat and take Tama-chan out of my bag. "Sorry to keep you cooped up for so long, Tama-chan, but I think it would have been awkward to explain you. Please fly on ahead, and let my family know that I'll be home soon".
"Myuh."
Tama-chan kisses my nose and then, with a wave of her flipper, she flies off into the distance.
Then I check the other contents of my bag. Yes, I may not have any money or credit cards, but I do have the document that I am never without. I make my way towards the ship's bridge. But then I realise .. first things first. I go for a shower, and then I make my way again towards the bridge.
I know this ship. The captain, as it happens, is a friend of the family. We have a lot of maritime connections, so I suppose it's inevitable that I would know the odd captain or two. He's pleased to see me, and happy to spare me a few minutes, but concerned when I explain what I want him to do.
"Sure, I'll witness the alteration" he says, "but are you sure you don't want to get it drawn up by properly by a solicitor? This is a very big change."
"Well, they're very good friends, and they've helped me a lot. And they have a dream of getting into Tokyo university. I want to be sure I can help them with that dream, even if the worst comes to the worst."
"But, you're young. Do you really need to worry about things like that?"
"I've been feeling very frail recently".
"I'm sorry to hear that, Otohime-san. If there's anything I can do .. would you like to dine at my table?"
"Thank you very much for the offer, Takahashi-san" I reply, "but I think I'd like to spend some time just getting to know my friends".
"As you wish, but .. you look like you need feeding up, perhaps that is why you are feeling so frail. Please help yourself to as much as you want from the first-class restaurant - If anybody says anything, just mention my name."
"Ara, thank you so much, Takahashi-san. And thank you for witnessing my signature. I hope I'll see you again soon. I suppose I'd better let you get back to running the ship for now, though. Goodbye."
"Goodbye, Otohime-san. Take care."
And, placing my newly-amended, signed and witnessed last will and testament back in my bag, I set off in search of Na-chan and Kei-kun.
They're on the deck, having an argument about something or other. I'll join them in a short while, but first I need a pause for reflection. Putting my bag down so it won't get soaked by the spray, I walk up to the bow of the ship, where there's a good sea breeze which I hope will invigorate me.
It's getting dark rapidly. Looking back, I can still see the mainland, which is now illuminated, as if with fairy lights. There seem to be lights in the sea, too. It's like ... I think again of my favourite fairy tale. I am the delicate and sweet-looking princess Otohime, and my Coral Palace lies just below the dancing shimmering waves. It is a most special place, with glittering and shining coral towers, and fishes of every colour, and it holds all of the treasures of the sea! When the hero Taro Urashima sees the wonders of my kingdom, he will be entranced, and want to stay forever,surely ? But, I remember, the story doesn't actually end like that. Taro enjoys his time at the Coral Palace, but he feels a great longing for his own people. He leaves the beautiful princess to go in search of his people, never to return. And the princess Otohime cries for her loss, and her tears fill the sea, and that is why the sea is salty.
Ara, why is it that all the stories I know have sad endings? And, is this a story that I am destined to relive? Must I lose my Taro Urashima? My tears fall, to join those of the beautiful princess.
And with that, it occurs to me that I am too close to the railing. I shouldn't really be leaning over it, not in my state of health. Normally I would be safe, with my protectress to look after me, but where is she now? I close my eyes and look for her again.
Again, nothing.
What would happen if I fell overboard now? What would the captain think? He would think that I had changed my will because I intended to commit suicide, and that he had unwittingly assisted me. Ara, I would not do that to you, Takahashi-san! And my friends, Kei-kun and Na-chan, what would they think? My will might help them a little towards the achieving of their dream, but they would never understand. Would they ever be able to forgive me?
I push against the rail, to propel myself backwards, away from it. But there is no strength in my arms any more. My whole body feels limp. And suddenly the deck is tilted at an impossible angle, becoming more and more vertical. Or maybe it is my body that is tilting. The last things I see, before my senses fade away, are the deck on the other side of the railing, and, seemingly above me, the glittering, beckoning lights of my kingdom beneath the sea.
Hi all. I don't think there were any reviews that require a specific answer, so I'll just say thanks for the positive reviews! Please continue to let me know what you think, whether good or bad.