Mutsumi knows - Part 8. Mutsumi knows.
It's good to be back on my island, back with my family and friends and neighbours. But .. if only ... if only Kei-kun could have stayed for long enough to be entranced by the island's magic, or even just for long enough to notice the place. If only Na-chan hadn't been so suspicious of my motives, that she had to drag him away as quickly as possible. Were my motives really so transparent? I suppose they must have been. Now, if only I could go to Hinata-sou, and try for another chance .. but that is impossible, at least for the time being.
If only the long days of travelling in the backs of lorries, the sleepless nights, the worrying about Kei-kun, about the exams and so on .. if only the delayed effects of all these things hadn't piled up like carriages in a train wreck, shattering my health which is never very good at the best of times. If only I wasn't lying in my bed, so weak that I'm unable to even raise an arm. The doctor tells me that I drift in and out of consciousness, and that especially when I am unconscious my pulse is very weak, and yet, he says, at root it doesn't seem to be a heart problem. My anemia, he says, is just a contributing factor, or maybe a symptom. He wishes he could tell me more about what the problem actually is. If only ...
My young brothers and sisters are doing their best to cheer me up. At first they tried to play with me, but, since I can't really respond to their playing, they now read their favourite stories to me. I do appreciate their presence, and their stories are ones that I would normally like, but since the time recently when I reflected on the unhappy end of my own favourite story, I've been longing to hear something that ends happily. Why does it seem like all Japanese fairy stories are sad?
"... Poor Prince Abe! He was heartbroken. He could not blame his faithful friend, for he had done his best. He could only write to the princess telling her all, and then go away forever. The princess was very sad when she knew what had happened, for she saw that this man was true. She sent him a note asking him to come to her, but he had already gone away, so she never saw nor heard of him again. The end."
That was all I heard of that story. I must have been unconscious at the start of it. Fortunately it was a story that I had heard before, so Butsu-chan doesn't need to discover that I missed most of her tale.
"Thank you, Butsu-chan, that was a nice story, and I appreciate it very much. But next, can anybody tell me a story with a happy ending?"
"I can!" piped up several enthusiastic voices.
"So many great stories to choose from! I'm so lucky! Let's hear your story next, then, Hana-chan"
"Okay, this is the story of the Dragon Jewel. Prince lofty was ..."
"... The beautiful palace which he built for the princess had no one to live in it but the bats and owls, and sometimes a stray mouse or two. The end."
Again, that was all I heard. I try not to let Hana know that I missed most of her story.
"Thank you Hana-chan, that was great storytelling, but was the ending really a happy one?"
"Yes, Mu-chan! Prince Lofty was a great boaster and a great coward, it says so in the story, so really it's a good thing that he didn't get to win the princess in the end."
"I see. But can anyone tell me a story where the princess lives happily ever after?"
Again a chorus of "I can". And again a story that I miss most of.
"...'I am ready,' she said. There was no other sound. Silently he handed her a tiny cup. As silently she drank from it. It was the water of forgetfulness. All her life on earth faded from her. Once more she was a moon maiden and would live forever. ..."
Suddenly I am looking down on my bed from above. I can see myself looking very pale and still in the middle of the bed. I notice that it isn't just my brothers and sisters around me any more, my parents have slipped quietly into the room too, and my uncle, and some friends and neighbours. They are taking it in turns to kneel by the bed and hold my hands for a few moments. Oh dear, could this mean what it seems to mean? But I don't want to leave everybody just yet!
"Don't worry, Mu-chan, they're all praying for you, and you will pull through this time" says a familiar voice. I look in the direction of the voice, and I see my protectress standing at the head of the bed, leaning over and stroking my forehead. As always, she is more beautiful than anything I can describe, and she radiates an unearthly light. Instantly all the discomfort I have been feeling slides away, and I feel calm and relaxed, and happy. There is another light in the distance, that seems to be drawing me towards it.
"Just ignore that light, please, Mu-chan, we're not going there today."
"Not today. Does that mean I will go to it someday, protectress?"
"Oh yes, everyone does, eventually. But for now I hope we can just have a chat about your future".
She waves her hand, and the room we had been in fades away. Instead we are sat in comfortable armchairs on what looks like an infinite plain, stretching to the horizon in every direction. Near us are the only two other items of furniture: A television and a DVD player which look completely ordinary except that there are no leads anywhere - no aerial, no power leads.
I answer: "I'm just glad to know that I have a future - but I wish I could know more of what it might hold. I'm beginning to feel as if every story I know has a sad ending. I hope my story can have a happy ending. And I do like being with my friends and family, but I wish now that I could be close to Kei-kun and Na-chan, so I can get to understand them. I have a feeling that a lot has happened since we were little, a lot that I've missed out on."
"That is true, Mu-chan.. You can't go to Hinata until you are reasonably recovered, but that will be soon. In the meantime, I think we should find you a story to hold on to, one that will help you with your future."
She waves her hand again, and a huge collection of shelves filled with DVD cases appears, with just a hint of motion blur to suggest that it has arrived rapidly from a great distance.
"This is part of my anime collection. Please feel free to browse - there's bound to be something suitable in here somewhere".
"It doesn't feel right, selecting a video to watch while my friends are all worried about me and praying around my bed".
"But it will help you, if we find the right story; and it won't take up any time in your world. You could watch everything in my collection, if you like, and your friends and family will think that you have been unconscious just for a moment. So, in just a moment of their time, you will be able to reassure them all."
Satisfied, I look through the shelves, which seem to contain everything I have ever heard of plus thousands of titles that are a mystery to me.
"Oh, wow, you have Liddo-kun and friends! That was my favourite when I was little!"
"Oh yes, the disc you're holding has my favourite episode on it, the one where Liddo takes on the thunder-monsters, and then he and his his friends are zapped by bolts of lightning until their fur turns black."
My eye twitches for some reason.
"That's the sort of episode I remember" I say. "But I always thought that my memory was playing tricks on me, that really Liddo and his friends would emerge triumphant at the end of every episode".
"They're friendly little furry woodland creatures, taking on some of the most powerful and most vicious forces in the universe. What do you expect to happen in those circumstances?"
"Sorry, I suppose I wasn't thinking" I say, putting the disc back on the shelf.
"Oh, there's a set I haven't heard of, and it has such an intriguing title, so unusual. 'Love Hina'. Is it good?"
"Yes, I think you will like that one, Mu-chan. I reckon it's one of the best in my collection. Please put it the first disc in the machine, then sit back and enjoy the show".
"Ara ... that was ... interesting."
"Did it help you at all?"
"Well ... I feel like I know a lot more now about Na-chan and Kei-kun than I did. Is it true, that Na-chan doesn't remember anything about any of the promises? When she talks to Kei about her promise she is referring to a promise she made to him recently, or sometimes to a promise which she made to her tutor two years ago?"
"Yes, that's right."
Wow. If I was unscrupulous, I suppose I could go to Kei-kun and mention the childhood promise that he and I made together, without saying anything to either him or Na-chan about our other promises. But of course I'm not like that. Still, knowing everything that I know now must surely give me some kind of advantage.
"Showing me all this, isn't it a bit unfair to the others?" I ask, "I mean, all of the girls at Hinata-sou, they're all in love with Kei-kun, aren't they? But none of them have seen this anime."
"But they are close to him, nearly all of the time. They have been for a while. I'm just giving you a chance to catch up with them. Besides, the DVDs are sold by many shops and mail-order outlets. It's not as if I was showing you something that wasn't freely available."
"Ara! You mean ... our lives, even our innermost thoughts .. they're on DVD's that anyone can buy?"
"Well, not actually in your world, but in a world that is very close to yours, yes."
I'm not quite sure what to think about that. Actually, I don't want to think about it at all.
But then I realise, the story is wrong anyway. Just a detail here, a detail there .. but these all add up to a big discrepancy. The Mutsumi in the story is different from me, and the same is presumably true for all the characters. So nobody is really seeing my innermost thoughts, and I'm not really prying into the minds of my friends as I watch the anime. That thought comes as a relief.
"It was a very good anime" I say, "but some bits weren't right. For instance, the inflatable raft. What I actually did in real life was foolhardy enough, and I regret it now; I almost drowned Kei-kun and Na-chan, and I can't forgive myself for that. But I can't imagine myself ever pushing a raft through the porthole of a cabin in a moving ferry, miles from anywhere, and then leaping after it. That would be just too strange! And even if I could do such a thing, surely Kei-kun and Na-chan would stop me? And then, later on, there's the way I treat Kei-kun when he comes to my apartment because Hinata-sou is being refurbished. At that point, with Kei-kun seemingly won, I say and do all the wrong things, and so I end up driving him back to Naru. But I would never treat him like that really! In particular, I would never suggest trying for another college instead of Tokyo U. I would never ask him to give up on his dreams! And I would never want to keep him away from his friends, so I don't see why they should be concerned that I might do that."
"I can explain those points" said the protectress. "Try to imagine what it would be like if you couldn't sense my presence in your life - if you were still just as fortunate in avoiding serious injury, despite your occasional clumsiness and your sleepwalking and your tendency to collapse, but you didn't know that behind the scenes it was me keeping you safe. You might become reckless, thinking that you could survive any mishap. That is the Mutsumi of the anime.
Then there is your belief in the power of the promise to get you and Keitaro and Naru into Tokyo university all together. Your belief is strong, partly because I have reassured you. But the Mutsumi of the anime has no such reassurance. She believes in the power of the promise, but her belief in Keitaro's ability to get into Toudai is strongly tested when she meets him and finds that he is filled with self-doubt, and still getting low scores despite years of practice. She begins to think that he might be happier if he was reaching for a lower goal, one that he could attain."
So - it is my relationship with my protectress that makes all the difference. I thought I just owed her my life, but I owe her so much more than that. She is a good friend. Without her guidance and reassurance, I would be like the Mutsumi of the anime, and I would surely lose Keitaro.
"Thank you, protectress", I say, "I owe you so much, I don't know how I can ever repay you. But there's other discrepancies, and one of them's a big one."
"In the anime", I continue, "Na-chan has a mother who has re-married; but I'm sure that when I was little Na-chan had a father but no mother. I remember that very clearly, because although I say in the video that it was a boy whose name and face I can't remember, actually it was Mr. Narusegawa who first told me the story about how if two people who love each other go to Tokyo university together, they'll live happily ever after. I suppose the Mutsumi in the video is trying to stretch the truth just slightly, because she doesn't want to say where the story really comes from. And it is true that I did forget his name and face, and even now I don't know his first name."
"Anyway, I remember thinking then that it was very strange, him telling me that story. I knew that he and Mrs Narusegawa had gone to Tokyo U together, and she hadn't lived happily ever after. I remember too that he was nearly crying when he told me the story. I didn't understand how he could talk about being happy ever after, when he was nearly crying, but I think I understand now. They were happy ever after, because Mrs Narusegawa lived on in her husband's memories, and in his heart. Even if Mr. Narusegawa did cry sometimes, it would only ever be for a short time"
"Yes, that's exactly right, Mu-chan" replied the protectress. "Also, there is a reason why Na-chan has a mother who has remarried in the anime, and I will tell it to you someday. But it's a sad story in some ways, and I know you're looking for a story with a happy ending."
I think about that, just for a moment. "A happy ending would be nice, but I think I need to understand more about Na-chan. I want to know why she gets so angry sometimes".
"Very well, if you are sure that is what you want, then I will tell you. To put it briefly: Mr. Narusegawa made a childhood promise with his future wife, that they would get into Tokyo University together, and live happily ever after. They kept the first part of the promise. Then they were married, and had a daughter, Naru. But Mr. Narusegawa lost his wife to illness, and the doctors thought that the daughter would soon be joining the mother. That was where you came into the story, and you were told about the promise, and you made your own promises to Keitaro and Naru. Later, the burden was too much for Mr. Narusegawa to bear on his own, so he remarried. But things didn't go the way he hoped, because he had only remarried so that Naru could have a mother. He found that he couldn't feel the same way about his new wife as he had about his first. He thought that he was making a mess of the lives of his daughter and his new wife, and he hated that, so he ran away. Then there was an accident, and Mr. Narusegawa went to join his first wife. The second Mrs. Narusegawa never found out about the accident, all she knew was that her husband had run away, and he never wrote or called her to let her know where he was. She was left looking after a very sick Naru on her own, and the burden was too much for her to cope with, so she in turn remarried."
"Naru has only the very vaguest memories of her biological father, and she feels let down by him. She can't remember her biological mother at all. She only knows her through photographs, and through tales told by distant relatives. For a long time, she didn't know that the woman she calls 'mother' isn't her biological mother. But the loss of her parents affected her very strongly, and she doesn't want to face such a loss again, and that is why she doesn't want to have any deep commitments. Sometimes she has feelings for someone, but she can't bring herself to act on those feelings, and then she gets angry. If she does ever commit herself to a close relationship, for instance with Keitaro, she will be very possessive. She won't be able to bear the thought of losing him."
Ara, what a sad story! And yet, the promise that I've been chasing after for most of my life comes from that story. 'If two people who love each other very much get to Toudai together, they will live happily ever after'. But they both died so young, and so tragically!
"I know what you are thinking, Mu-chan. Mr. Narusegawa and the first Mrs. Narusegawa do live happily ever after. They are glad that their daughter is doing so well in her studies, and that she has a loving new family to care for her, and good friends at Hinata-sou. And they are grateful to you for teaching her to say Toudai, and for including her in your own childhood promises. By giving her a goal, and close companionship, you helped her to overcome her illness. And now that the new promises are approaching fruition, they feel sure that the story will have a happy ending. They give you their blessing, and wish you the very best of luck."
"Please thank them for me, protectress, and tell them I will try to be worthy of their blessing."
Ara, what good fortune, to have such a blessing, but what a burden too! Naru's original parents are happy for her - but how will they feel if Naru falls for Keitaro, but I am the one to win his heart? And I do so desperately want to win his heart.
I have so much new knowledge, thanks to my protectress, but how do I use it responsibly? How can this story have a happy ending? In the anime that I watched, the girls all want to put Kei-kun's happiness before their own. They step aside for Na-chan, because they know or believe that she's the one Kei-kun wants. And Na-chan herself is just as self-sacrificing as the others. She tries to pair me up with Kei-kun, when she finds out about my promise to him. All of them are deserving of Kei-kun's love, because they all will do so very much for him. Surely I have to be just as self sacrificing as the others, or I will be the least deserving of happiness. But then Kei-kun will follow his heart, and his heart will lead him to ...
I wake up in my bed, surrounded by a sea of familiar faces. They are all smiling, but it is obvious that they have been crying. Some are still crying, but smiling through their tears.
"Mom, dad, everybody, thank you for your prayers", I say. "I'm sorry for giving you all such a scare, but I think I'm going to get better now."
Sorry about the long interval since the last update. I was a bit concerned that there was too little action in this chapter, since it's nearly all talk, or thoughts, but I decided in the end that it works well enough. Was I right? As always, please feel free to leave comments, whether good or bad. Thanks. And thanks for all the positive reviews of the last chapter.