Going Under: A Son's Love
A Oneshot by
Lucibell
Now I will tell you what I've done for you…
I did everything that you asked. I followed the teachings of the trainers you hired, I listened to your advice. I looked up to you.
50 thousand tears I've cried…
You're ruthless. Everyone knows it. Even me. I'm not like you, that's what you hate about me. I was willing to save lives. But you said I was a traitor. You called me a traitor and you banished me. You scarred me for life.
Literally.
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you…
I've done your dirty work. I've been a spy for you. I've been tortured by you again and again. I've been burned and banished by you. I've bled for you.
To gain nothing in return. You hate me. That's all there is to it.
And you still won't hear me…
Whatever I do, no matter what I say, it isn't enough. You've shut me out, cut me off. I'm no longer apart of your life it seems. You've never heard me, you don't hear me, and you never will hear me.
You hate me.
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself…
I don't know what I did to earn your hate, but know this, father: it's not so easily reciprocated. I've worked so hard to be the son you wanted. I don't understand where I went wrong. Don't offer help anymore. Don't send more soldiers this time. I'll redeem myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once…
Maybe then I'll see you for what you really are. Maybe if I work hard enough, search long enough for the Avatar, I'll wake up and understand that it's not worth it. That you don't love me. That you never did, and never will.
Zhao's more like a son to you than I'll ever be.
Not tormented, daily defeated by you…
Each day is torture. Each day I work and I sweat and I train and I search, and each day you win. You've put me up to this impossible task and I will do everything in my power to accomplish what you're asking of me. I will be that son. Even if I'm defeated at the end of it all, I'll be the son you wanted.
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom…
And when I think it can't get any worse, it does. You send some sort of royal decree or Admiral Zhao rears his ugly head and shoves it in my face how much you loathe me. How much of a disgrace I am to you.
I'm dying again…
This kills me. Every day I toil to find the Avatar, to no avail. I get nothing out of this, except for the frustration of searching for something that cannot be found. The only thing this searching does for me is bring into the light how much you hate me.
I'm going under…
I'm sinking. I feel the weight and the pressure and the stress. I'm feeling the pain. Just like you want me to. Are you happy father?
Drowning in you…
I'm drowning in this. I'm slowly suffocating under the absolute extremity that is this impossible quest. I'm drowning in you…
I'm falling forever…
I feel like our relationship is a cliff. Once I was standing on the edge. But now I've fallen. The day I was banished, I fell. I've been falling ever since…
I've got to break through…
There's got to be a way out of this. There has to be a way to prove to you that I'm worthy of your love. Of your trust. There has to be some other way…
I'm going under…
I'm falling beneath this. I'm crying out and you don't even see. Nobody sees. Nobody cares. Nobody except maybe Uncle Iroh. But I want you to care, father. I want you to see. I want you to hear.
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies…
I don't know what's real anymore. I hear so many rumors. Zhao spits things in my face that I know are true, but I don't want to admit. I don't know what truth is anymore, I've been lied to for so long…
So I don't know what's real and what's not…
I don't know what love is. I've never known. What I thought was love was a lie. It was a façade that you pulled off to make me think I was wanted.
I see now that I'm not. And never was.
Always confusing the thoughts in my head…
I always thought that you loved me. I always thought that you loved mother. I always thought…
It doesn't matter. They were lies anyway. Everything that I had imagined, the little "family" that I thought we were never existed.
So I can't trust myself anymore…
I've gotten to the point that I can't even trust me now. I don't know what my motives are anymore, I don't know why I get angry. I don't know why I keep going like I do. I'm lying to myself and I can't trust myself.
That's a scary thing, if you even care.
I'm dying again…
The pain is too much to bear. I hate this. I hate this war. I hate this search. I hate the lies. I hate the masks. I hate the life that you've pushed me into. I hate being a banished and disfigured prince.
I hate it all.
But I don't hate you…
I'm going under…
I'm sinking in this. I know that I could never hate you. You're my father. It's just not possible. But it sure seems possible for you to hate me. You have ever since I was born. I know that now. And it hurts more than anything in the world.
Drowning in you…
I miss you. I miss mother. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I want to come home. I miss the life I used to have. Even if it was a lie, it was enough. I want to go home…
I just want to go home…
I'm falling forever…
But at the rate that I'm falling from your grace, I feel like that's not going to happen. I have the feeling that even if I did catch the Avatar, you'd send me away on some other impossible venture. You'd take what you wanted and discard the rest.
Just like you always do.
I've got to break through…
There absolutely has to be a way out of this. Some sort of loophole. Even if I don't go home, there has to be a way that I can be happy. I thought that catching the Avatar would do it, but I realize now that it won't. It'll just make you more bloodthirsty. I don't even think I want to catch the Avatar anymore. I think I'll just let him defeat you.
Or maybe I'll join him and help in the beating.
So go on and scream…
I know you want to. You've always loved screaming at me. You never loved me. You just used me as the thing that you blamed every wrong you committed on. Those men that died? It was my fault. That tribe that was destroyed? It was my fault. That village that was burned? It was my fault.
I only tried to save a few lives. They were Fire Nation lives, too. But I guess that was a mortal sin. And now you hate me.
But I don't hate you.
Scream at me, I'm so far away…
I'm sure if you did scream right now, I'd hear it. I seem to have that sort of bond with you. Whenever you're angry, I feel the brunt of the pain. Whenever you feel like destroying something, you break my spirit.
That, or you send Zhao to do it for you.
I won't be broken again…
I won't do this anymore. I won't finish this God-forsaken quest. I won't fight the winning force anymore. And if they lose against you, then I fall with them. I won't be defeated by you again. I won't fall at your feet.
I won't be broken.
I don't hate you.
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under…
I need to do this. I have to breathe. I have to make my own choices. And this is my choice. I'm joining the Avatar. I won't keep drowning in this. I won't keep suffering. I will find happiness. I will show you how ruthless and bloodthirsty you actually are.
I will prove to everyone that you're mad.
But not because I hate you. I could never hate you. You're my father.
I love you, Dad…
Author's Note: This was written while listening to an album-wrap of Evanescence's CD Fallen. The lyrics belong to them, not me. Avatar belongs to Nickelodeon, not me. -sigh- Though I wish I did own Avatar. Then I could kill Zuko's father like I want to.
I hope you guys liked this piece, cuz I did. Review please!