Title: Tears After Bedtime
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: R
Summary: Jack has been having nightmares that even the TARDIS can't make better. Jack is haunted during the night; the Doctor is haunted all the time. The TARDIS makes them comfort each other.
Disclaimer: I disclaim this.
Note: Set after the Doctor Dances and before Boom Town. Some very small spoilers Empty Child and the Doctor Dances, very small.
Tears After BedtimeJack was having a nightmare. The Doctor could hear him screaming as if he was in the next room. He wasn't but the TARDIS was trying to punish him, to prove her point.
"What do you expect me to do?" The Doctor could ignore Jack's nightmares but he couldn't ignore the TARDIS. "Why can't Rose comfort him? She'd be better at it." He knew Rose was asleep but he really wasn't in the mood to deal with Jack, even if Jack was unconscious.
But the TARDIS was a persistent girl. She was upset that she hadn't been able to help Jack. She couldn't stand to listen to Jack in pain, in fear. If the Doctor was truly honest with himself he couldn't either, but he wasn't. The only reason he went to Jack that night was to satisfy the TARDIS.
But what he saw made him stop in his tracks: Jack was squirming around having kicked the covers off his bed. He was only wearing black boxer shorts and the Doctor could see the perspiration and goose bumps covering his skin. The room reeked of alcohol. Jack was sobbing into his pillow, holding it so tight that it was barely a shadow of its former shape. The pillow was soaked with sweat and tears.
"How do you expect me to help that?" The Doctor whispered, knowing the TARDIS would hear. "I don't belong here." But he found he couldn't leave, and not just because the TARDIS wouldn't let him.
The Doctor pulled up a chair and placed it in a dark corner. He just sat, lost in his own thoughts. How could two forgotten years torture a man so much? The Doctor thought of his own past and wished he couldn't remember, wished he could forget. The Doctor was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice when Jack woke up, but when he looked over to the bed Jack wasn't in it.
Jack was in the shower, busy trying to shower away a dream he couldn't remember. He felt a fool. He felt frustrated. He was too angry with himself to be tired, despite the fact he hadn't slept in at least 14 days. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept without dreaming and whenever he dreamt he felt more exhausted than before he went to sleep.
When he got out of the shower the TARDIS supplied him with new boxer shorts. Red ones with black writing, which said 'If you can read this you are right where I want you.' Jack offered a weak smile to the TARDIS for the boxers and then started to make the bed. The TARDIS saved him the bother as she changed the bed, replacing it with a smaller one that was rather hard and had no pillow but was still comfortable. Jack laid down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. The Doctor watched, still unsure of how he could possibly help.
Jack couldn't sleep again, not again, not ever. It did feel as though he would never sleep again. A thought that made frustrated tears leak from his eyes. He'd already cried so much that night. He slammed his fist down onto the hard bed and got up to pace. He tried to exit the room but the doors closed on him.
"I just want to see if the Doctor needs any help." Jack explained to the TARDIS, his voice harsher than he'd like to admit. The TARDIS still wouldn't open the door. The Doctor had no choice; he stood up and walked into the light.
"That's funny, because the TARDIS had thought that perhaps I could help you." The Doctor's face was scarily serious, only a touch of awkwardness apparent on his features. Jack didn't reply for about a minute. His face was one of shock, one of fear: like the proverbial deer caught in a headlight. It took him at least 45 seconds to force a smile on his face.
"You know how you could help me." Jack tried to flirt but his voice was jumpy and forced, his entire body was twitching and trembling. The Doctor just stared at him, not buying it for a second. Jack's tone lowered as he became more serious, honest. "I don't think you can."
Silence fell upon the room for minutes. The Doctor observing Jack as Jack only looked at the floor. Jack eventually ended the silence, speaking softly but never looking up.
"If you want to help me let me go."
"How would that help you? You'd just be going through this alone."
"I'm used to being alone!" Jack shouted, losing his temper for no reason. "You don't even want me here. I'm a liability. When I'm in the state am I get careless: when I'm not I'm cocky. You're better off without me!"
"What about Rose? What about the TARDIS? They like you."
"They've got you. I'd choose you over me any day. Let me go. You don't need to deal with my baggage; you've got Rose to look after."
"You help…"
"No I don't! Not like this! Doctor, I nearly changed the course of history for Earth. I nearly changed an entire race because I didn't think. I was too busy fucking over Time Agents! You had to bail me out!" Jack stopped shouting and added the next comment under his breath. "I think for that I deserve to be alone."
"So this is what it's about, huh? You're trying to punish yourself!"
"What would it take for you to leave me? How can I convince you that I am not worth having aboard?" Jack pleaded.
"It's not up to me." The Doctor rapidly responded. "It's up to TARDIS. She would never have let you on board if she didn't know she could trust you."
"I don't." Jack interrupted. "Trust me. I don't trust me. You shouldn't either."
"I trust the TARDIS. And she trusts you. She's a good judge of character."
"She's a good ship."
"Yeah, she is." The Doctor responded with pride. "Mind you, you have been flirting with her, flattering her and paying her a lot of attention. I guess she could be biased." The Doctor smiled, a smile that grew into a grin when Jack gave a weak laugh. A comfortable silence followed. "You should get some sleep." Suggested the Doctor. Jack nodded as the Doctor left the room fairly satisfied that he had done his job.
A few hours later and once again the TARDIS called the Doctor to Jack's room. The Doctor didn't hesitate this time. In fact, he even hurried.
Jack was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall of his room. An empty bottle of whisky in one hand and an empty glass in the other. He didn't even stand up when he saw the Doctor. He just clutched his knees close to his chest.
"Jack?" the Doctor asked, his voice pained.
"I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I couldn't stop thinking." Jack's speech was slurred and choked in sobs. "But she wouldn't give me a drink. I need a drink." Jack slammed his glass onto the TARDIS' floor and it smashed.
"She thinks you've had enough." The Doctor replied trying to remain calm, but his voice was full of worry and concern. "And so do I."
"I need a drink! I need to drink to forget! To forget that I can't remember!" Jack laughed bitterly. "It's pathetic! I'm pathetic! I just… I want to get to sleep." Jack stared down at the floor, looking at the shards of glass on the floor. Some of them were actually quite big. Big enough, anyway. "But there is another way to get to sleep." The Doctor watched motionless as Jack picked up one of the larger shards and slit his left wrist from one side to the other.
Jack passed out immediately, the blood loss already tremendous. The Doctor only then could move to be at the side of the unconscious Jack. The Doctor closed his eyes to get a clearer communication with the TARDIS. Silent tears leaked from the closed eyes as nano-genes, stolen from Jack's old ship before it blew up, surrounded Jack's wrist. The Doctor opened his eyes and watched as the nano-genes fought to repair the tissue damage and the blood-loss. Thankfully the nano-genes won the battle. Jack's wrist was now repaired but he was still unconscious due to the pints of blood he'd lost. The TARDIS cleared up the blood as the Doctor picked up Jack, placed him on the bed and waited for him to regain consciousness.
It took Jack a few second to gain his bearings. It took Jack a few seconds to realise he was still alive. It took Jack a few minutes to notice the Doctor.
"Hey Doc." His voice was weak, but cheerful.
"Did you really want to die?" The Doctor was deadly serious.
"I… I wanted to sleep. But you're not getting rid of me that easy."
"I'm glad to hear it." The Doctor sincerely replied.
"I'm sorry you had to see all that." Jack admitted before quickly moving on. "How long was I asleep?"
"8 minutes."
"Is that all?" Jack seemed rather frustrated but then smiled. "Well, at least it got you in my room. Now what shall I do with you?"
"You seem back to your old self." A day ago the Doctor would have thought that was a bad thing but now he was really grateful for it.
"Must have been all the sleep I got." Chirped Jack. "I think I'm ready to fight all the evil in the world now." Jack rolled off the bed and tried to stand up but his legs gave way and he collapsed on the floor. Jack found a strong hand guiding him back to his bed.
"You need more rest."
"And plenty of bananas. Full of potassium." Quipped Jack. The Doctor smiled as Jack closed his eyes. The room was silent for a few minutes, the Doctor believed Jack to be asleep. But he wasn't.
"Can't rest forever. Human race is so lazy." Jack had stood up, doing his best impression of the Doctor. Jack tried to leave but the Doctor stopped him by placing a hand on his chest, his bare chest. It was only then Jack realised he was just wearing novelty boxers. Jack brushed the Doctor's touch away and got some trousers out of a closet in his bedroom. He put them on with haste.
The Doctor muttered sarcastically, "Wow, Captain Jack actually putting ON clothes. A rare sight indeed."
"I'm cold!" Jack replied defensively, but the truth was that he felt … vulnerable. But he still decided not to put on the t-shirt he already had in his hands and put it back in the closet. "Geez, I'm tired!"
"So sleep." The Doctor said simply. Jack slowly nodded and clambered back into his bed. Jack closed his eyes.
"Do you sleep?" Jack softly asked the Doctor. "It used to help me, perhaps it would help you."
"What do you mean?" The Doctor was slightly defensive.
"You daydream. When you're alone. I guess you could call it brooding, but I bet you have good reason to." Jack waited for the Doctor to protest or reply but he didn't. Jack continued. "It's good you have Rose. She's good for you. She stops you thinking about the past, she makes you live in the now. It's good to live in the now. I try to live in the now. That's why I … flirt. Sex is good for living in the now; it's good for forgetting the past. But it doesn't work forever.
"That's why I liked sleeping. I didn't used to dream. I used to escape. When I was awake I couldn't get rid of all the stuff I'd seen, all the mistakes I made. When I was asleep I was at peace. I know it doesn't make sense but my thoughts never followed me into my sleep. It was only when I couldn't remember that I had the nightmares. But you can, you do remember. And that's not good." Jack opened his eyes to find the Doctor frozen like a statue, yet tears rolled down his face.
"I don't want to add to your grief Doc, that's the last thing I want."
"You still want to leave?" The Doctor eventually asked, making it clear in his voice that he didn't want Jack to, but never saying that.
"No. But I think I have to. I can't be here."
"So you'll be alone again."
"That's how I like it." Jack tried to sound convincing but failed. "That's how I'm used to it." Jack honestly answered.
"But it doesn't have to be like that! Rose and the TARDIS really like you; they'll be gutted if you leave. You can't leave me with a sulking teenager and a lovesick TARDIS. You've got to learn to trust us."
"Trust me, I'm a Doctor?" Jack questioned and the Doctor laughed but the atmosphere soon grew more serious.
"You can trust me, you know?" The Doctor wanted Jack to trust him; he wanted Jack to become part of the team. Jack slowly nodded.
"I'll stay. And I'll try not to get in your way."
"It wouldn't bother me if you did."
"But I don't understand you Doc. You've got the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you're here trying to make me feel better. Who makes you feel better?"
"I've got Rose."
"You can't share your pain with her, you're too busy looking after her and showing her the world. That's not a bad thing but…"
"I've got the TARDIS. She knows me better than anything, anyone."
"The TARDIS is good." Jack admitted, before exhaling deeply. "I just want to help." The Doctor could see how much Jack wanted to and was stunned by the compassion and kindness of the man. The Doctor burst into a grin.
"I do sleep. Haven't for a while though." Jack was confused by the Doctor's comment, it took him moments to realise that the Doctor was inviting himself into Jack's bed.
"Erm… wait a second." Jack asked and the TARDIS picked up on his thoughts. The bed changed from a small solid one to a huge, soft, white one with plenty of pillows but oddly enough the TARDIS provided no duvet cover. Jack scooted over as far to the side as he could, so much so that he was almost falling off the bed. The Doctor smiled.
"I never knew you were such a gentleman." The Doctor teased as he climbed into the bed. Jack tried to think of a witty reply but couldn't.
"Just don't tell Rose." Jack tried to move further to the edge and fell off the bed. He never reached the floor though as a strong hand pulled him up and back onto the bed, within a safe distance from the edge.
"I know you're not going to try and seduce me." The Doctor replied confidently. He was right, but Jack would never admit it.
"I would if I wasn't so tired." Jack told the truth there. He would try, because he thought he'd fail.
"That's reassuring." The Doctor grinned. Then his grin faded. "But it's all a façade, isn't it?"
"Fucking someone is an excellent way to avoid getting to know them. Or them getting to know me." Jack was surprised how honest and frank his statement was, but he was too tired to lie to the Doctor. He quickly changed the subject. "I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the backside for you. If I were you I would never have let me onboard. Thanks for saving my life by the way. But I'd have dumped me at the nearest planet."
"Never." The Doctor tilted Jack's chin up to look him in the eyes. "Well, I wanted to… but I'm very grateful I didn't though." A pause. "You're right though. I do have a haunted past."
"Do you want to talk about it? I know it's a cliché but if you want to talk I'll listen." The Doctor thought about Jack's offer carefully before replying.
"No. I'm good. I'm fantastic! I'm here, in the present, with you. I'm good. I could do with some sleep though." The Doctor smiled.
"Good." Jack repeated softly. His body was slightly shaking though due to exhaustion, alcohol, shock due to the amount of blood he lost, coffee, fever: a combination of all these things and a few more.
"Are you alright?" The Doctor tried to keep his voice carefree and light but genuine concern shone through.
"I'm fine!" Insisted Jack, despite the fact that his body was on the verge of convulsing. The Doctor didn't believe him but knew that the best thing for him at the moment was rest; he closed the distance between him and Jack, and held him. Jack stilled. "I'm just a bit cold. That's all." Jack thought this was a plausible explanation, there was no duvet cover and he was only clothed from the waste down.
"Well… we can soon remedy that." The Doctor took off his huge, black leather jacket and used it to cover Jack. Jack was curled up so tight that the leather coat even covered up his feet. Jack gave the Doctor a questioning look, silently asking him why he was being so nice. The Doctor gave no reply; he just put a hand on Jack's back and held him close. Jack was too tired to fight it; he fell asleep in seconds. The Doctor tried to stay awake, enjoying the moment, but he fell asleep minutes later.
Both men slept soundly that night.
It was morning and Rose entered Jack's bedroom with a hot cup of coffee to wake him up. The mug went crashing to the floor though as she saw Jack in the Doctor's black leather jacket and the Doctor already awake and holding Jack as he slept. Jack woke up and tried to explain that it wasn't what it looked like, but Rose had already left. Jack went after her, leaving the Doctor's leather jacket behind.
The Doctor was alone in Jack's bed, holding the jacket as though it was Jack.