Chapter 16: present day

Draco took a deep breath as he locked eyes with Hermione. "Do you remember the necklace I gave to you?" he asked her. At her nod he appeared to relax ever so slightly. "I wanted…no, wait. I have to go back farther…to the previous Christmastime," he said. Hermione arched an eyebrow in annoyance, but waited for him to continue. She watched him closely as Draco's eyes clouded over in remembrance.

"You had gone to be with your parents and I was so lonely without you. I remember feeling useless…restless...stupid that I couldn't manage on my own for a week. I finished my class work in the first day-and-a-half. I got tired of haunting the library two days later. And Christmas was upon me and I was feeling sorry for myself. And then your package arrived." He smiled then, but stayed focused on the memory. "It was a book about quidditch. I remember thinking bitterly that it was a thoughtful gesture but a wasted gift nonetheless because I couldn't fly anymore. But then I opened the cover and saw what you had written.

Draco-

Until we are free, may you fly in your dreams.

Perhaps I shall be there with you.

Yours,

Hermione.

"I can't tell you what your words meant or explain how I felt in that moment. I…I knew you cared about me and I knew I cared about you too. But suddenly, crazily, I realized I had fallen in love with you and I didn't know what to do with the overwhelming sense of joy that flooded my insides. Then, of course, I realized I hadn't even remembered to get you a Christmas present. What an ass I was. So," he said, "I decided to remedy the problem."

Draco stopped then and focused again on Hermione's eyes to see them glisten ever so slightly. "That was when I failed you, 'Mione. That was when I failed Dumbledore too. You both put your faith and trust in me and I blew it with one bad decision." He faltered as Hermione, ever intuitive, figured out what he had not admitted to her all of these years.

"You left Hogwarts, didn't you?" her question was barely above a whisper.

"I wanted to get you an amazing gift. A gift you deserved. A gift you could cherish. A gift that would provide to you strength when I could not. And then I remembered the necklace from my mother – which was in my room at the Manor. I knew I wasn't supposed to go, but I needed to have it for you. My mother would have wanted me to have it for you. So I sneaked out of the castle that night and apparated home to get it." His brows furrowed as he continued to remember. "In and out. It was going to be quick. It was going to be harmless. And no one would have to know I bent the rules just a little bit." Draco's voice tightened then. "But being so happy made me sloppy. I let down my guard. I didn't watch what was going on around me. And just after I had pocketed the necklace, Lucius appeared at my door."

"Draco," Lucius' sneer cut through Draco's consciousness like a knife. "Son," he said sarcastically as his eyes started to grow wild. "I so hoped you would return for the Christmas holiday. Being without your mother has been so difficult and I couldn't stay away a moment longer, knowing I might be able to see my dear son again." Draco felt his gut clench with a palpable fear. "So here I am. And here you are." Draco knew both the look in his father's eyes and the tone of his voice. Lucius only became sarcastic when he was three steps beyond livid – and half a step from deadly. "I think it is high time we spent quality time together, don't you?" Desperately, Draco reached for his wand but froze when he saw it in his father's clutches.

"Looking for this, dear boy?" Lucius asked with barely concealed hate. He took two steps toward Draco before stopping again. "Perhaps you had better rest before we have our night of fun, Draco," he snarled as he raised his own wand at his son. "You seem distracted and overwrought." As he expected, Draco didn't have to wait long for the pain. "Crucio," his father hollered and Draco fell to the ground in agony. Over and over Lucius threw the curse at his son until he finally lost consciousness. "There you go, son," Lucius said as he looked over his son's damaged frame. "Have that good rest now. You'll need it before our visitor arrives."

Draco avoided Hermione's gaze as he moved to the next chapter of his story. He didn't want her to interrupt him and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to go on if he could see that she hated and despised him for what happened. So after looking about the room with no haven to be found, he closed his eyes and lowered his head as he continued his tale.

"Voldemort came to us that night. He knew. They all knew. Voldemort and all of his Death Eaters. They knew about our relationship, Hermione. And my father said my betrayal had made him a laughing stock. But there was a way I could fix things. Just one way…"

Draco could still barely move from the Crucio his father had put on him earlier that day and so he lay still on the forest floor, just beyond Malfoy property. Around him he could see hooded figures with masks. The smell of the blood of the recently sacrificed muggles on the other side of the clearing made Draco lose the contents of his stomach. And they laughed at him…mocked him…until their cackling was taken over by the hissing voice of Lord Voldemort himself.

"You, young Malfoy, have displeased me greatly. Not to mention the disgrace you have brought upon your father. How dare you try to escape my ranks? Do you think yourself above me? You are nothing! Nothing, I tell you! And yet…" Draco shivered as he felt the Dark Lord's breath just over his ear. "You can yet be useful to me." He heard Voldemort laugh as he stood from Draco once more. "The mudblood," he said clear and loud as a gong, causing his minions to fall into silence. "You will use her. You will gain her confidences. You will pump her for information, which you will supply to us."

"No," Draco gasped as he tried to struggle to his knees. "I can't. I won't."

"But you will," Voldemort hissed vehemently as the gathered Death Eaters dropped to their knees. "You will or I will kill you."

"Then kill me," Draco gasped from the pain as he dared look into the Dark Lord's eyes. "For I will never do your bidding. Never."

"Fool!" Voldemort yelled as he waved a gnarled finger in Draco's face. And Draco experienced darkness again as he felt the earth rush up to meet him.

Draco continued with his head down. "I remember finding myself in a dark corner of the dungeon stairway. Shaking…rocking to ward off a fear I didn't understand. Physically, I was fine." Draco shook his head as though he didn't believe was he was about to reveal. "But I couldn't remember why I was upset or how I had gotten there. I just felt it had something to do with my mother. The last thing I could remember was finding the necklace. I figured memories of her must have triggered some sort of mini emotional trauma or something. But I was safe at Hogwarts and I had the gift I wanted to give you. And so I went back to my room and put it away for you… for when I was ready to tell you that I…" He took a quick breath to calm the rapid beating of his heart. Whatever he said now, she would never want to hear him say again that he loved her. Even if he still did…with all of his heart.

"Then you came back from the holiday. And life went on. And we grew closer. And I thought everything was going to be okay. But I had another blackout. The last thing I remember was that I went off to get a book from my room so I could meet you in the library. And then I remember you finding me in the corner of the Arithmancy classroom, shaking, and thinking about my mother. I didn't know how to explain it."

He stopped then, but wouldn't look at her. "May I have a glass of water, please?" He listened with his head still bowed as she got up wordlessly to fulfill his request. When the water appeared in front of him he felt his cheeks color in shame and anger. Damn, but he hated being bound. He had wanted to come back to Hermione a strong, proud man. Instead, he found himself cut to size and embarrassed out of his mind.

Hermione gave Draco a long, hard look. She wished to see the truth in his eyes, but she was glad he wasn't looking at her. What he was telling her was startling…unbelievable even. And she didn't want to feel connected to him in any way until he was done. Softly, she whispered a spell, and with the flick of her wand she untied Draco's hands.

The release of some of his bonds made Draco want to cry in relief. Slowly he flexed his fingers and rotated his wrists until he felt the blood flow normally through them again. Hermione took advantage of this time to set the cup of water on the end table just within his reach. Then she returned to the couch. She watched him drink as if his life depended upon it. But not once did he look in her direction. Again, he hung his head after returning his cup to the table. And he began to speak.

"It wasn't until the day before the war that they allowed me to remember. They had been torturing me and restoring my body to health before sending me back. They had also been brainwashing me…as they had done my father. They wanted to break me…to win my loyalty to them completely. But I was stubborn. And so they inflicted upon me the worst pain imaginable. They gave me back the memories of my abductions." Draco scrubbed his face with his hands before continuing.

"Remembering was enough to make me want to die. It wasn't the torture that tore me up, Hermione. I could have lived with myself if it had been that alone. But I remembered spilling secrets. Your secrets. Our secrets. Dumbledore's secrets." Draco ignored Hermione's horrified gasp and forged ahead. "They used Imperio on me and forced me to reveal things I swore to you I never would. I told them of Dumbledore's protection and trust. I told them of the plan to work together in the battle to get Harry safely to Voldemort. I told them about the prophecy of Harry and Voldemort alone to the death." A silent tear rolled down his cheek. "I couldn't fight them. I thought I could be strong for you, but I couldn't. I just couldn't fight them off."

Draco finally raised his tortured eyes to look into their mirrored counterparts in Hermione's tear-stained face. It ripped him up to hurt her. But she had asked for the truth. She deserved it. So through the pain he thought he had managed to repress, he finished what he had begun. "When I came back that night, the night we made love for the first and only time, it was with the knowledge that they would kill you if I didn't do what they wanted. And I loved you too much to let you die. So, yes, Hermione. I turned on you – on you and all you believed in. I gave into them. I did what they wanted me to do. I did what I had to do to keep you alive. And by doing that I took away your life…and my own. And you will never know how sorry I am that I wasn't strong enough to figure it all out another way."