This is a cornucopia of hyperness all written last summer for an English paper. Any injury as a result of reading this fic is not my fault and all those lawyers over in that corner can bugger off sticks tongue at surly lawyers
Disclaimer: All characters and shows all belong to their respective owners. This parody is simply a parody and you all know what else belong here.
Without further ado I present:
Johnny Depp and the Beast Woman
There once lived a seamstress and she was the richest one in all of Florida. She had 4 children 1 girl and 3 boys. In addition, I shall name them from oldest to youngest: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Melissa, and Gollum. (Why the different surnames? Well the studios gave those surnames to them since their real one had sounded weird). Well the tailor did not make her money from making dresses (in fact she couldn't even sew a pillow case if she tried) she made it from all the movies her two sons did.
However, one day she received a letter in the mail telling her that she lost all her money in the stock markets and that she must give up her house.
"Children we have lost all our money and must live in a cramped cottage in the everglades," she told them with tears in her eyes.
"But mom," said Orlando, "We still have our contracts with the studios." Then without warning, the phone rang and it was the movie executives canceling their contract with Johnny and Orlando.
"Well that kills every thing doesn't it?" Melissa sighed. "Well I will be packing if any one needs me." And with that, she went up the stairs into her room.
Well two years had gone by since then and Johnny and his brother still could not get work. Their sister took care of the garden while Gollum would run around all day with a golden ring, which he would call 'Precious'. Their mother on the other hand sat around watching soap operas on a little 12 inch black and white television while making cheap little potholders (that no one bought). Little did they know that on that day their lives would change. It started when Melissa went to the post office a to check the mail she found that it was titled "An inheritance for you." Thinking nothing of it, she puts in her bag and walked home.
When she reached home, she gave her mother the letter and went to attend the gardens when suddenly a shriek erupted from the house followed by a thud, which sent the birds flying from the trees. They all ran suddenly to the house thinking that there was a burglar and instead found their mother dancing around with dollar signs in her eyes.
"Children, we are gonna be rich! Again!" She shouted with glee.
"How?" they asked while looking at their mother warily as she was acting not like herself and it was scaring them a bit.
"A rich very distant relative died and left 2 million dollars to me. YAY! I'm leaving tomorrow to go to the funeral and collect my fortune or something."
"Ooookay mom just be careful." Johnny told her while keeping his distance from her.
As the seamstress got on her green vespa bike, she asked them what they wanted her to bring.
"An Armani suit," was Orlando's reply.
"Two kittens with white spots on their face" Melissa told her.
"Jewelry polish for Preciouss mother," Gollum hissed.
"And what do you want Johnny?" his mother asked.
"Huh?" he said not really paying attention as he was reading a Nancy drew book.
"I said what do you want me to bring you back?"
"Just bring me back a stick of juicy fruit gum." He told her and went back to his book
"Okay then see you in a bit." And with that, she zoomed off.
Well two days passed since she left to collect her fortune, Haruko (the tailor) returned home. In her hurry, she took a short cut through a dark and winding path through the forest. She kept hearing all these strange nibbling sounds and it was starting to scare her now since she swore she saw a flash of pink every now and again. Then without warning, Pink Ninja Bunnies appeared and stole all her money from the basket at the front of her bike.
"Hey come back with that! That's my money! Give that back!" she screamed and chased them deeper, and deeper into to the forest. She chased them for about 10 minutes and then they just disappeared from view. Haruko drove deeper into the forest getting hopelessly lost in the process when suddenly her vespa died leaving her hopelessly stranded.
"AUGH YOU STUPID MACHINE! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO RUN OUT OF GAS NOW?" she screamed at the poor bike while kicking it, which resulted in a bruised toe. Haruko walked her bike around and as all hope was almost lost, she stepped into a large clearing in which there was a large mansion equipped with amusement park, zoo, and a whole heap of other things that would take too long to name. As she walked around, she bumped into a self-serve gas pump and proceeded to fill up the gas tank. Mean while she decided that she should look around this mansion.
If you thought the outside was amazing, you should have seen the inside! There were mini fountains every where, a rose garden, gold banisters, velvet carpets in a flower design, a perfumery smell radiating from the living room and a huge trophy case dedicated to Elvis and a cartoon series with this guy with dog ears and silver hair.
"Weird. This person is extremely weird," Haruko muttered to herself while walking to the adjoining room, which, she found out, was the dining room.
She sat down in a comfortable chair at the table while a string quartet serenaded her. On the table there were roast turkeys, an assortment of rice and stuffings, salads, roast ham, chicken, a roast beef or two, jellos, puddings, and more ice cream and pastries than you could name. After waiting a few minutes Haruko decided to eat by herself, literally stuffing herself silly. After a couple hours, Haruko was satisfied and walked out of the room full and terribly tired. She wandered around until she found a wonderful canopy bed and flopped down and fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning Haruko awakened to find a map on her bed with the words 'You are here' pointing to a picture of the mansion.
"Well that helps a lot," she said cheerfully as she got ready.
As Haruko waked out the room, she noticed the familiar smell of Juicy Fruit gum, she followed it into a garden, and wouldn't you know it, there was a Juicy Fruit tree! Remembering Johnny's request she took a stick of it and put it into her bag. Then an ominous figure shrouded in darkness appeared and in a high but threatingly sounding voice said:
"You are an ingrate! How dare you steal from my weird but rare tree! I gave you food and shelter and this is how you repay me? By stealing my gum! Such a crime gives you a punishment worse than death!" said the ominous voice whiles stepping out of the light.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed (which was so loud that the birds flew out of the trees) at the figure which now reveled itself to who else?
"AHH YOU LOOK LIKE Michael Jackson!" poor Haruko screamed.
"Owww man. Those are my ears. Any way I am not Michael Jackson, I only look like him. Also, can't you read? The sign says: do not pick the Juicy Fruit." The Michael Jackson look-alike told her while pointing to a sign.
"Oh Sorry." Haruko replied while giving the peace sign, "Well I gotta run I got some kids to feed! Bye!"
"Not so fast. I have to give you some sort of punishment. Hmm, I got it! You have to bring one of your sons to me or a horrible curse will be fall you. Get it, got it, good. Now go!" and with that Haruko sped off.
A few minutes later, Haruko appeared and explained what happen to her four, well three children and Gollum was staring at the ring and not paying the slightest bit of attention.
"But how did she know that you had sons?" Johnny asked.
"I don't know. Some weird psychic ability or somethin'." Haruko replied while stuffing herself with food (Again?), "Well which one of ya is going to go?'
"I will go mother!" Melissa said as she stood up, "I shall save the family!"
"But you're not a boy…or ARE you?" Orlando questioned while moving away from her.
"Oh yeah. I forgot. HEY!" she said as she hit Orlando senseless.
"I will go mom since I'm soooo bored."
"Oh my brave Johnny! I will miss you so!" she said as she cried crocodile tears. "Well now that's settled you better hurry. BYE!" she said as Johnny disappeared as he rolled down the hill finally stopping at the mansion.
"Well that was fast," Johnny said as he dusted him self off, "Well here goes nothing." As he pushed open the doors.
As he walked inside, he noticed that there were signs pointing to a door. Cautiously he walked in.
"Welcome sir. The reason you are here is because I need your help." Said the Michael Jackson look-a-like.
"My help? Why?" Johnny questioned. 'Mom was right. He/she does look a lot like Michael Jackson.'
"Well I am coming to that part. About a year ago, I was interviewing the real Michael Jackson. When I asked him about the baby-dangling incident, he got all mad and put some curse on me, which turned me into him. And he told me the only way to free it was to have a man who still lives with his mother to defeat the all-powerful Harry Potter. Now he lives down the yellow brick road, across the sea, past the Little Mermaid and finally through Toy Land where Barney and the Teletubbies are his loyal guards. However, watch out for the Little Mermaid 'cause her song will lead you to your death. Okay, now for your gadgets. Ice skates since the yellow brick road is frozen over, earplugs so you wont hear the song of the Little Mermaid. A canoe so you can cross the sea, and finally 'Stay Away Spray' so the evils of toy land and cant hurt you. Now go and defeat him or you won't get paid."
"One question."
"Shoot. I've got time," He/she answered while looking at his/her nails.
"Are you a girl? Since you act like one." Johnny asked since he was very confused at this person.
"Yeah I'm a girl and my name is Kagome. Now go 'cause I'm not getting any younger here!"
"Ma'am yes ma'am!" said Johnny as he raised his hands in a salute. And with that, he left.
Now dear readers it would be quite boring if I told what happened since nothing remotely interesting happened except when he danced the Cha-Cha with the Little Mermaid. However, as he neared Toy Land, he got scared like Run-under-your-bed-but-decided-that's-worse-so-you-run-to-your-mommy-but-she's-replaced-by-a-zombie scared. His skin was crawling and he itched all over. Then, he saw the most horrible thing in his life, The Teletubbies! He ran as fast as he could but then ran into something almost as scary as the devil itself, and his name was BARNEY! Now Johnny was stuck between a rock and a hard place since he used to love Barney but eventually got so bored with him that he got scared, but even so, he still loved Barney. But Johnny made up his mind and did what he had to do.
"Die Barney! Die you annoying Teletubbie nuisances die!" Johnny shouted as he sprayed the 'Stay Away Spray' on them.
Johnny watched as they fell down one by one. However, Johnny had no time to reflect on it as he had a job to do for Lady Kagome.
Johnny walked up the path and rounded the corner, which led to Harry Potter's castle. Now Johnny began to feel quite scared be cause there were statues of what appeared to be bunnies and squirrels that looked as though they were watching him. With a shudder Johnny walked up the stairs and pushed the door open and said:
"Come out Harry Potter! I'm here to defeat you I can go home and get paid!" Then out of nowhere, all the lights go out and Harry Potter swooped down and attacked our hero.
"AHH! Hey, watch it! You could have taken out my eyes dude!" Johnny Shouted.
"Oh sorry I didn't mean it but you just charged in without knocking. You know that's very bad manners." Harry admonished him. As he said that Johnny Depp's eye started to twitch. (Well wouldn't you after hearing the world's most powerful wizard who was reported to be very evil tell you how barging in without knocking is bad manners? Well I would.)
"Okay then now why are you here? Would you like some tea?" Harry Potter asked while pointing up some tea with his wand.
"Uh no thanks. I'm here because I was sent to defeat you to free someone from a spell."
"YOU defeat ME? That is ridiculous. I am undefeatable. HAHA!" he laughed insanely.
"No I'm serious dude. What do you take me for? A pansy?" Johnny said angrily as he stood up, knocking over the table in the process.
"Oh ho? Now the war begins!"
And so our hero engages in an all out war with him, throwing numerous punches while the other throws numerous spells. After an hour the duo stood opposite of each other breathing heavily with bruises covering them.
"You truly are a great opponent Johnny Depp. And so I shall take the spell off your friend and send you home." Harry Potter said while straightening up.
"Really?" Wow thanks,"he said astounded, "What's the catch?"
"Just tell Jackson that he owes me money for that spell. Okay?" And with that he poofed Johnny back to the castle.
"Now that was fast," Johnny said, "Now to get my reward." He said as he pushed open the door.
"Yoo-hoo I'm back. I finished the job now where is my pay?" he asked to the empty corridors. All of a sudden a pretty girl with long black hair, blue eyes who looked about 16 or 17 rushed out with open arms and cried:
"My darling you have come back to me!" and ran in Johnny's direction. He held out his arm as a greeting toward her half expecting her to run into his arms. And boy did he get a surprise. Not only did she run past him, but also she ran into the arms of a silver headed man with dog ears with beautiful amber eyes (Sound familiar?).
"You have returned my dear Inuyasha. Oh how I have missed you." She said as she hugged him.
"And I you my lotus blossom." This Inuyasha fellow said.
Poor Johnny looked dumbfounded as her stared at the couple before him.
"But I thought I was supposed to get the girl!" the poor guy wailed.
"Not in this story bub. Oh and your pay is out there on the dining table." Lady Kagome told him while waving her hand towards the door.
"Oh well you can't always get what you want," he sighed, "At least I got paid."
He took the four chests and tied them to the beat up car he found out side in the driveway. In side there was a note saying: This car is now yours .
"You would have thought with all that money they could afford to give me a new car. But nooo I get the run-down car. I guess I should count my blessings; they could have given me a car that doesn't even work. Oh well."
And with that, our hero headed home to the cottage with truckloads of treasure for his family never returning to the castle except for the wedding.
EpilogueJohnny Depp and Orlando Bloom got their movie contracts back and went to star in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Melissa renowned for her beautiful gardens and house decor was voted The Best Interior Designer of the Century and was by far much better than Martha Stewart.
Gollum, well, he fell into a volcano by attacking Frodo when he went to destroy the ring AKA 'Precious.
Inuyasha and Kagome got married and now star in their Japanese cartoon show: Inuyasha: A Feudal Fairy Tale. They are now super rich from what I hear.
In addition, Harry became even more world renowned for his tea: Wizard Brew
And so ends the story of Johnny Depp and the Beast Woman.