A/N Good lord am I churning these things out fast or what? Seriously, y'all better appreicate and hit me up with some reviews yo.
If things had seemed bad before, they were absolutely nothing compared to what they were like right now. Things had been perfectly innocent, well as innocent as three teenage wizards trapped in a room with an evil gay man forcing them to read the worst of the worst fanfiction known to man on a really bad computer, can possibly be. And that's when things started to get much, much worse. This is around the time when one Ronald Weasley, as naked as they come, started singing show tunes. It was also around the same time that one Hermione Granger sank into a deep depression since her one true love the adformentioned naked man, was being scouted out by said evil gay man. Oh, and Harry still had to pee, really, really badly. Oh yes, things were just starting to get really, really bad now.
"DAMN COMPUTER! WHY WON'T YOU WORK?" Voldermort shouted gayily (so totally not a word.). This is right around the time he started throwing a fit, and screeching loudly from up above. The results were giving Harry such a migrane, that it was actually sending vibrations to his already very, very weak bladder.
"NOOOO! RON IS SUPOSSED TO LOVE ME! NOT YOU, MEEEEEE!" Hermione shouted out of nowhere, she appeared to be talking to the wall, but with Hermione chances are she was actually talking to her beloved imaginary friend: a copy of "Hogwarts: A History"
"LOOK AT ME I'M SANDRA DEEE, LOUSY WITH VIRGINITY!" Ron sang six keys higher than what was originally intended for the major motion picture and Broadway musical "Grease" starring John Travolta, and don't you think he's just dreamy? No? Me either Anyways, he was singing really badly, as he jumped atop of the table and pole danced on an imaginary pole, which was pretty much pointless seeing as how, he was already naked. But whatever, who's counting? Not me, that's for sure.
"Oh my god! I'm the only sane one left! And I still have to pee! Damn you bladder! DAMN YOU!" Harry said as he dropped to his knees and began shaking involuntarily.
And this pretty much went on for the next few hours, only you can replace the abformentioned words: "LOOK AT ME I'M SANDRA DEEE, LOUSY WITH VIRGINITY!", with any line from your favorite musical, trust me he sang them all. And if John Travolta doesn't happen to be in your favorite musical, well then screw you, he should be. (Just kidding with the screw you part, you know I love you all, now let's get down to the dirty stuff). So basically, everyone was going insane, well you know more so than before at least. But thankfully things hadn't yet hit rock bottom, that was to come right after this sentence, so maybe I'll just let it run on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on to divert your attention from the fact that I have absolutely no idea what is coming up next. Oh, next sentence now, I guess I better get to my point.
"Aha! I have it. I truly am an evil genius with a fashion sense! (That means he's gay!) If I can't get this computer to work, I guess I'll just have to do the unthinkable, and make this situation much, much worse just like the author promised I would. If we can't use this computer we'll just have to use...A MAC!" Voldermort said shrilly.
"No! Not a Mac! It doesn't even have Windows! Anything but that! I'll do anything! Well, maybe not anything. I mean no offense, but I wouldn't really be into open mouth kissing you or anything. But almost anything besides physical contact!" Harry balked.
As you can probably imagine with just the words "open mouth kissing" Ron and Hermione alike, both starting having fits again, frankly they aren't really interesting to go into, but let's just say Hermione started ripping out her own hair, and Ron started screaming "CALL ME ALANIS! MY NAME IS ALANIS!" Yeah, anyways back to the story.
"Yes, a Mac. That sounds delicious. I think I'll just run off to the nearest Apple Store and buy one...well maybe, I'll just Avada Kedavra anyone who gets in my way, and then just steal one. Yes, I think that's what I'll do. But anywho, while I'm gone I think I'll bring someone else in here to keep the three of you company while I'm gone. Ahh! Yes, I know, that filthy little red head I almost killed as my teenage self Tom Riddle, just so I could get closer to my one true love Ronald Weasley. I'll bring her in for a while, she'll absolutely hate it!" Vold(ie)ermont said with an evil cackle which now when I think of it was pretty chilly, and as if by magic (OH MY EFFING GOD), two things happened, first of all the worst possible elevator music, the kind that they play when the cable company puts you on hold, trust me I know about this one, began playing from the ceiling. Secondly a small redhead plopped from out of nowhere onto the table with a loud "THUDDY THUDDY THUD THUD!" Well you know, that's probably a bit exaggerated.
"What the bloody hell?" Ginny Weasley wondered out loud, as she looked around her. Her naked brother was standing in a corner singing loudly "TOMORROW, TOMORROW I'LL LOVE YA! TOMMOORROW!". Her good friend, sensible, reasonable, Hermione was bawling on the floor saying "He's supposed to loooove me, not Voldie!" Harry was just kind of sitting in the corner holding his groin, for some unexplainable reason. And that's when it finally dawned on her, that her brother was indeed naked.
"Ron! What the Merlin do you think you're doing? Why are you naked?" And where the bloody hell am I?" Ginny began to shout.
"Well you see Ginny, Ron isn't really in any condition to answer any of those questions for you seeing as how he just found out that the evil dark lord is actually a gay man, and has a huge crush on him. But anyways, he's naked because that's the way he was when he got put here. And where are you? Well, I wish I could answer that one for you, but basically we've been here for the past day, being forced to read bad fanfiction by the gay lord himself." Harry finished with a sigh, hoping for a mere second that he was lying, and that the two of them were actually making wild passionate lo----brownies in the Weasley's kitchen.
"Oh, well...uhh. Just wow. Wait, a minute. Why didn't you just give Ron your pants? I mean, you're still wearing boxers under there aren't you? That way Ron would only be shirtless, and you would still be wearing something covering yourself too." Ginny explained, not wanting to believe that they couldn't come up with this solution on their own.
"Well, that would work, but Ron hasn't any underwear, and I don't want his...stuff touching where...my stuff has been. Our...uhh..stuff just shouldn't mix." Harry said stupidly as he blushed all the way down to his...uhh stuff.
"Maybe you're not the only sane one here after all." Ginny said with a smirk, when suddenly the elevator music came to a halt, and Vold(ie)ermort's voice was heard again.
"Have no fear my Sweeties! I'm back, and with a brand new Mac, that I promise that I did not steal!...Tee Hee Hee!" Vold(ie)ermort yelled down from above. "Anyways, when the last computer crashed it didn't save my ode of everlasting love and lust for my boy toy Ron! So, instead you'll all have to read one of my personal favorites from the "Oh My God, our good friend Hermione the former bookworm has just gotten some breasts! Look at how hot she is now! I think I'm in love!" category. Hope you all enjoy!" Vold(ie)ermort said as an I-Mac fell from the sky, and sadly did not blow up into a million pieces but fell safely down to the table.
"I guess I'll read since the author can't make Hermione read seeing as how she's still in a deep depression because her former boy toy is now claimed by the gay lord.", said Ginny intelligently, just like the author intended for her to.
"What the hell? This isn't even windows! How can I be forced to read in these conditions? Seriously how can I?" Ginny said huffily, as she continued to read in spite of herself, because the author would do anything to keep Harry or Ron from reading...I mean Harry has that scar, how could he read? Seriously..how could he?
"My Former Friend Is Now Hot And Now I Think I'm In Love With Her: The Journals Of An Extremely Horny Wizard"
By: ExtremelyHornyWizard
My friend Hermione has always been there for me, through thick, and thin, and through some more thick. My friend Hermione really likes books. My friend Hermione likes books more than anything in the entire world. My friend Hermione had really bushy hair, and really bad eyebrows that could really use a trim, but no she's too good to get them waxed like a normal sixteen year old girl. My friend Hermione was just----"
Maybe it was her depression, or the fact that the author decided to open every single sentence with the words "My Friend Hermione", who knows. All I know is that this is right around the time Hermione actually did what she had threatened to do all along, and actually went into cardiac arrest. Suddenly, and unexplainably at that, this is right around the time Ginny and Harry whipped out two video game controllers and started playing "Cardiac Arrest Victim: 3-D!" (Now available on a Xbox near you.)
"Oh no! She's going into cardiac arrest! We must save her!" Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, SELECT, START!" Harry yelled frantically, and as the last two buttons were pushed a random chime could be heard from above, and Hermione sat right up and said "All Better!", she then proceeded to fall asleep.
Things couldn't possibly get any weirder. Could they? COULD THEY?
SHOUT OUTS:
The-Very-Little-Turtle-haha, thank you for the reviews. And please don't sue me, I promise all I have is my wit (haha as if), and like twenty dollars.
L. Spencer1153- I have to admit I threw the stuff about the Mac in this chapter just for you.
Eevee and Crawdie: Thanks! This is the second one of my stories y'all have reviewed for me, thanks a million. Hope y'all like the new story!