A/N: Well this is it. This is the final concluding chapter of our saga. Yes, that's right. The last chapter of "Bad Fics" I absolutely adored writing this fic, and this is deffinitely not the end of this kind of story, because I loved doing it. Watch out for either a sequel, or lost chapters, an epilogue, or even same setup with different charachters. Or maybe even all of them. Thank you all of my constant reviewers for all of your support. This chapter is dedicated to y'all. As always, if you read. Please review.
(Create a running check list of all of the things wanted in a last chapter of a story, check)
Voldie was thinking, which wasn't necessarily always a good thing. Usually when he began to think, silver hands were made, scars were created, and lots and lots of muggles became naked-ied, yeah that's right DEAD. Anyways, he was thinking, and a lot of things were passing through his mind. Ron in a thong was just one of them, one of the more disturbing ones mind you, but only one of them all the same. The foursome had a proposition for him, set them all free and then Ron would be truly happy. Anything that made Ron happy would in turn make himself happy.
Yet, at the same time if he set them free, who would he torture? Who would be forced to read bad fan fiction late into the night? Seriously, who? And that's when it came to him, it wasn't about who he was torturing, but that torturing was being done. See, Voldie had a plan. He could let them go, only to take them back you see? Let them off the hook for a few weeks, and then bring them right back, hopefully next time fully clothed with empty bladders. Though, Voldie wasn't really particular he'd take them naked if that's the way they came, whatever. And that's when it came to him, although the author doesn't usually like to use the word "came" in reference to Voldie, because it makes him think of all of the horrible slash fics he's accidently stumbled upon, but you know whatever. There was a whole world of people he absolutely hated, a whole world of minor characters from the Harry Potter universe on which to unleash his unsual brand of torment. Could you imagine what he could force Snape to read? Harry/Snape slash fics, Hermione and Snape fall in love fics, Snape and Harry father and son fics! The possibilities were aboslutely-effing-endless.
(Setting story up for a sequel, check)
Oh, Voldie was evil, it made him shiver from the top of his snakelike head, all the way down to his brand new Victoria Secret underwear, they were quite cute actually with little pink dogs all over them, he wishes you could see them, really.
(Mentioning Voldie's underwear, check)
But anyways, it was decided. He was going to let them go. Oh, don't get me wrong, he was going to torture them some more, I mean he is Voldie after all. He's evil, that's just what he does.
So anyways, where were we? Maybe we should do a RECAP.
"You'll do anything to make him happy?" Hermione said as she pointed her bushy hair to above.
"Yes, like anything to makes my baby happy!" Voldie screamed.
"I think it would make Ron very happy to see us all go free!" Ginny said catching on.
"Yeah! That's right! He would, right Ron?" Harry said as he finally caught on as well. He was rather slow, I guess that happens when you have a scar on your forehead, you become really stupid.
"Hrm. That's an idea!" Voldie exclaimed very coldy. And then he------------
(Pointless recap, check)
Are we up to speed now? Awesome. So the story continues, right about...now.
Began to sing. Yes, that's right he began to sing. Yes you read right, he was singing. Yes your eyes are not deceiving you; words were coming out of his mouth in a song like manner with musical notes and words. One more time so I can drive this home for you. YES, IT IS TRUE THAT VOLDEMORT ACTUALLY WAS SINGING. Now, that we have all of that cleared up, back to the point, not that there really is one or anything but I'm an author so I have to at least pretend I know what I'm talking about. The point really was that he was singing a song and it goes a little something like this:
"Summer Loving had me a blassst" He began with a completely utterly really badly horrible voice, mind you.
As if by magic, all of the characters that grew up in the magical world without exposure to any such musical where Olivia Newton John, and John Travolta starred, still knew all of the words.
"Summer loooving, happened sooo fast." Hermione sang trying to get her bushy hair out of her mouth.
"Something, something sex on the beach!" Harry sang incorrectly, even though he actually was born in a muggle home, and should have known all of the words to a musical including Olivia Newton John, and John Travolta in starring roles.
"Oh Harry Harry, wish that sex was with me...Oops!" Ginny continued. Did I mention that Harry and Ginny were really horny? Oh, no I didn't? Well they were..
This is right around the time that Ron began dancing on an imaginary strip pole, and ripping off all of his clothing, forgetting the fact that he was supposed to be in the ceiling with Voldie, and not able to be seen by the rest. Anyways he was singing a pop classic:
"I wanna be bad! Make it look sooo good, I've got things on my mind. Never thought I would. I want to be bad! Loosing all my cool! Bout to break all the rules boy! I want to be bad with you!" Ron sang horribly off key, as he stripped himself of his shirt, and Voldie began rapidly throwing large golden galleons at him. Voldie wasn't much of a thrower being gay and all, and ended up hitting Ronald in the head. Ron proceeded to pass out, and pee all over himself. He always was such a drama queen.
(Musical number, check)
(Pointless stripping to a Willa Ford song, check)
(Pointless urinary functions, check)
"You know, I think that's enough singing for one chapter" Said the author, not that anyone even knew who the author was, or where he was coming from. All that they knew is that he was super cool. Which let's be honest, you must all realize too. And if you do realize this as you should, you show him some mad props by praising him by commenting. You should also send your checks and money orders payable to one XxLemurxX as soon as humanly possible. Trust me. And if that's not possible, a human sacrifice will suffice. Either that, or your first born, he's really not that picky.
(Shameless author plug pleading readers to review, check)
"So anwayz, I've likez decided to likez sets you all free. Not only would it make my loverz Ronz, like so happy. I've decided that I lovez all of you! Plus they're having a casting call at Hooters! Since that is my dream job, I just have to try out! So after one last bad fan fiction, I will finally let all four of you free." Voldie said sadly, yet very coldly all at once. He was really quite talented.
"Holy Slut I'm happy!" Ginny exclaimed as she threw her arms around Harry, and began screeching loudly.
"Mneauhahea!" Hermione's hair began to scream.
(Yet another jab at Hermione's hair, check)
"I agree!" Hermione agreed.
"Does this mean no more sex with Voldemort? God, I hope so." Ron said hopefully.
(One final mention of Ron having sex with Voldemort, check)
"So yes, my captives. One more bad fan fiction, and you can all go back to doing whatever the hell you were doing when you we e still waiting for book six to come out. Not that book six is our or anything, because it isn't. DAMN IT" Voldie said shrilly as he began to weep sadly.
(One final complaint about Book Six and why it's not out already, check)
"Now, I just can't decide whether or not I want to make you suffer, and wait for it, or just get it over with so I can practice for my audition." Voldie thought out loud, very coldly of course.
"It would make me really happy, not to mention naked if you let us all out as soon as possible." Ron said sexily.
"You mean, you'll get naked, if we read bad fan fiction right now? Oh Baby!" Voldie exclaimed, as he did a bit of something as if by—(you guessed it, probably magic), and the Mac sprung to life, well kind of slowly, I mean it didn't even have windows. Ew.
(One last "as if by magic", check)
(One last jab at Mac, check)
"I've never gotten to read, I demand it!" Ron exclaimed.
"Uhh, Ronald, you're up there in the ceiling with Voldie, remember? How could you possibly be so stupid? Haven't you ever read "Hogwarts: A History"? Hermione asked wildly.
(One last mention of Hogwarts: A History, check)
"Oh, I guess you're right. Nevermind, I guess I'll just have sex with Voldie to pass the time. Oops!" Ron said accidently admitting that he actually was in love with Voldie. The readers all gasp in shock and outrage
This is right around the time that Hermione began to sob uncontrollably, Ginny began sputtering wildly, and Harry passed out, Voldie mostly just started to strip.
"No! This simply cannot be! Ronald can't be gay! He's supposed to be in love with me!" Hermione wailed loudly.
"My brother is gay! I guess this means I must be a man." Ginny said simply, as everyone stopped what they were doing and gave her odd looks.
"Ginny just because your brother is gay, does not mean that you have a penis." Hermione began to explain.
This is right around the time when Ginny began to strip.
"Oh, I guess you're right Hermione, I don't have a penis. What a surprise." Ginny said in shock.
"Did I mention I need to pee again?" Harry said meekly.
"Does anyone even care Harry, no they do not. I mean, how can they care when Ron is in love with Voldie instead of me? HOW CAN THEY CARE?" Hermione yelled, her hair mostly just sat their deciding what it's next victim was to be.
"Okay, ya'll" Ginny began the author completely forgetting that she is British, and does not actually use the word "y'all". Only he does because he's from Louisiana, and that's just what they do. "We just need to pull together and finish this last fic, so we can get the bloody hell out of here." Ginny said as the author remembered some British slang.
"I second that." Harry said dully, as began to pee in the corner no longer caring whether it was gross.
"I guess, I'll read." Ginny said as she sat down and began:
"Ginny Gets A Blog"
By:TooStupidToRealizeThatBlogsDon'tWorkAtHogwartsHasn'tSheEverReadHogwarts:AHistory?
First Entry:
"I thought it might be a good idea to have a place to chronicle my thoughts, seeing as how my life is so interesting (Not). In case you were wondering I'm Ginny Weasley, and I have just started my first ever blog. Maybe this time my journal won't really be evil. Anyways, I plan on chronicling my day to day life here, so I hope it doesn't get too boring."
"Wow, I'm kind of impressed, this doesn't actually look to bad. I mean, the grammar is almost all correct, the spelling is nice, and she seems to be able to actually string two words together coherently. Even if she is completely magical, and would have absolutely no idea what a blog is, nor would it even work in her house. But, whatever." Hermione commented.
Second Entry:
"Did I mention I really like Harry? Because I totally do. I've been trying some very interesting tactics to get him to notice me. Today I ripped my shirt off right in front of him. He didn't seem to care, which is odd because my boobs are really big. Maybe Harry is gay?"
"I am definitely not gay. I repeat, I do not like penises." Harry said in rage.
(Mention of Harry's possible homosexuality, check)
"Sure, you don't Harry. Sure you don't." Mocked Voldie from above with an evil cackle.
"I think I'm starting to understand why this fic is bad." Ginny said wisely as Hermione's hair began attacking her.
Third Entry:
"Okay, I found out what was wrong with Harry: he's pregnant. Although that goes against everything Mum ever taught me about anatomy, but whatever. Apparently he was struck by an evil curse/prophecy/potion, and now is with child. I hope that by some weird chance that I'm not actually the father of this child or something equally as subtle in foreshadowing to what will become in the next entry. That would just be horrible."
Fourth Entry:
"Holy Slut! I even wrote all of that subtle foreshadowing in the last entry, and even I didn't see this coming! I am the father of Harry's child! Even though that is theoretically impossible, it doesn't matter because the author doesn't care about facts, or rules to life. So apparently, I have a penis. Yes that's right readers, I am with penis. Dear God."
"Wow, Ginny, it looks like you have a penis afterall! And the author actually sounds like you! "Holy Slut indeed" Ron commented as Ginny began to cough the words "Stupid Whore".
Fifth Entry:
"Oh my God, it seems that there has been a prophecy or something that states that I must end this blog, because the author has run out of things to write in it. Since the plot was pointless, and really there was no story anyways, I guess that's not really that tragic. So tootles!"
"Well, the nicest thing I can say about that is that at least it was grammatically correct." Hermione said truthfully.
"Is it kind of bad, that I'm kind of upset about that being the last one?" Harry asked wistfully.
"Uhh, bloody yes it is." Ron said almost intelligently.
"It's just I'm going to miss you all so much, while I'm waiting for book six to come out. I mean, I have to go back to my Uncle's house, and he bloody hates me, and I'm not even allowed to read bad fiction there. Plus, I won't have Hermione's hair to entertain me, or Ginny to make out with, or for you Ron to strip and sing showtunes. Seriously, what am I going to do with myself?" Harry asked as he began to sob once more, and pee on the wall. So basically he was just leaking everywhere.
"Can we bloody leave now?" Ginny asked angrily.
"I likez guess so. I'm's like going to miss y'all all so much!" Voldie said as he began to cry as well.
"This is just like the final episode of friends except no one here looks like Jennifer Aniston. I guess what we need here is a group hug!" Hermione said she wiped the tears of happiness out of her hair.
They hugged. Well actually Voldie just began dry humping Ron, Hermione began throwing up, and Ginny started making out with Harry to distract herself. That's right around the time where a door opened up out of no where.
"Thank Jesus!" Hermione yelled as she ran up to the door, and with a last "See ya in book six suckers!" disappeared back into the muggle world.
"I guess this is it." Harry said, as he too followed in Hermione's footsteps. "Bye Ginny, hope I get to make out with you in book six!" Harry said as he too disappeared.
This is right around the time that Voldie and Ron began expressing their everlasting-true really true love for each other. The author got a weak stomach when he began thinking of this part of the story, so he chose not to document it. You know weak stomach, plus he was just kind of lazy.
No one who was still there really even cared about Ginny so she just disappeared out of no where. And with one last snog, Ron finally bid his farewell, and he too walked through the door. Voldie just happened to forget to mention that the door only led to another torture chamber. I guess this means sequel!
Oh my god this is the end! No! It ended so soon! I never even got to do all of the horrible things to our foursome like I had planned! I never made them dress up like french whore's and sing "Lady Marmalade!" I never made them make fun of Christina Aguilera! Oh wait, I can do that right now.
2 Days previously
"I really hate that Christina Aguilera" Ginny said boredly. Yes I do realize that boredly is not a word.
"Yeah, she's such a whore." Harry admitted, not even caring how magic born Ginny Weasley knew who Christina Aguilera was.
(Obligatory mention of Christina Aguilera as a whore, check)
Present
Okay, well I took care of that one, I guess. But still none of the great things that happen in really great fics actually happened in this fic. No one had sex, no one was pregnant, no one woke up in large vat of Progresso's Chicken Noodle Soup! It contained absolutely none of the things that make a good fic. . . good. Oh, sweet Jesus! I just realized, this in itself is a bad fiction! I sought out to write a fiction about bad fan fiction, and then ended up writing bad fiction myself! Holy crap! Everything has back fired! Black is up, white is down, the world doesn't make sense anymore!
Oh well, I'm actually kind of over it already. I'm off to do more important things, like writing a sequel, and picking out the lint between my toes. Which come to think of it probably consumes far too much of my time.
Well anyways, if you don't think for a second that I'm either going to write a sequel, or stage a reunion, or at the very least an epilogue, you are wrong. I have no life, and would like nothing better than to do just that. So write me your reviews and tell me you love it to convince me. Please?