Covet
She is like my sister. But for some reason when I kiss her, it feels nothing like kissing a sister.
For one brief moment, we stand there, melting into the feeling of our lips together. We are lost in each other until the cries of her son bring us crashing down again. She looks nervously at me as she smoothes herself over. Her eyes show the fear of being caught, but she doesn't say a word. I bring the glass I went into the kitchen for, as I follow her back to the dining room.
I sit and watch as she fusses over her baby, setting down his strained peas and mashed banana. I watch her almost hungrily when she smiles at him as she sets his plate down in front of him.
Dinner is quiet. At least more so than usual. Harry is too busy dribbling his peas down his chin to say much and James looks as if in another minute, his own food may start dribbling as well, he looks so tired.
She sits demurely in her seat, constantly shifting her gaze and attention from her own plate to Harry's tray, but never towards me.
I feel as if I should say something, the silence is like a large stranger standing in the doorway, unexpected and rather unwelcome, but there is not enough sense to push it away. So I stay silent as I eat my food.
She gives in and asks James how his work went today. James looks up and smiles wearily at his wife. It is a smile of adoration and love and she returns it with a similar one. He begins to speak and I watch as her eyes flutter over me.
When dinner is over, James takes his son and kisses his forehead. He carries him into the front room as she stays to clear the table. I perch at my place, debating whether to follow James or help her.
Her hands are trembling as she stacks our plates. I place my hand over her shaking one and she looks up at me and for a moment, I see the longing reflected in her eyes. In the next minute, it is replaced with shame and she pulls her hand away defiantly and stalks off to the kitchen.
I gather up the glasses and follow her to the kitchen. She is at the sink when I enter and the water is running as she places the plates in the steaming water. I step up behind her, lingering for a second as I take in her fresh scent of lavender and chamomile. It is a soft, feminine scent, femininity being something she exudes so naturally. I let my eyes trace the outline of the fair skin of her neck and where her red hair falls gracefully over it. I can feel her tense against me as I reach my arm around to set the glasses on the counter. As I pull my hand back, my fingers lightly slide passed her arm and I can feel her sigh with contentment.
And for the second time that night, she is kissing me. My sister, the wife of my brother in all but blood, the mother of my godson, is falling into my arms. Our bodies crash together frantically like the crashing of the waves upon a beach. And just as the water withdraws from the shore, we part again, at the sound of her husband's voice from the next room.
She pulls away from me and the pain in her startlingly green eyes is enough to break my heart. There used to be a time when that pain wasn't there, before there were no complications, before there were no secrets, before there were no sins.
But it is like a drug, and no matter what I do I cannot resist the high I get with her lips against mine. A nearly intoxicating drug which consumes us both, almost to the breaking point. And I can hardly remember the time that passed before it happened.
We enter the front room and from his place in James' arms, Harry points to me. James laughs as he hands him over and I take the child in my arms. He smiles up at me and pulls at a strand of my hair playfully.
Everything that James holds precious, so do I. His family means more to me than my own and I feel sick to my stomach when I realize that I would gladly take his place. His son, his wife, I would accept them in a heartbeat. Indeed, I already have. They are under my skin and I am infected with a love for his family that rivals his own.
My jacket feels heavier than it did when I arrived and I realize it's the knowledge that I'm leaving that weighs me down. Kissing Harry's forehead, I hand him back to James who I hug tightly. His strong embrace reassures me that he loves me like a brother still, unconditionally, and I cannot help wondering as he jokes with me, whether or not he would love me if he knew.
Kissing her cheek, I catch her scent one last time and let it ghost over me, in hopes that it will follow me home. She smiles at me and brushes my hand in hers briefly as she opens the door for me. James puts his arm around her and the three of them wave at me from the door. They are perfect, standing there together. From here, the cracks aren't noticeable and even up close I am hard pressed to see the gap that may have grown between them. I reason that that must have been what happened if she was turning to me.
That's all it is, a comfort. A body to cling to as they hit a rough patch. It is no more than that. I do not want it to be more than that. For if I knew that she felt anything more than that for me, I would not be able to continue on in the way that I do.
Walking into my flat never seems as empty as it does after I come from her house. It is late, dark and cold and the echo of my footsteps in the hall fills my ears with a dreadful racket, for the rest of the house remains unmoving and silent.
I reach my room and fall, silent, into bed. His eyes flutter open slowly. He smiles slightly and a voice thick with sleep asks me if I had a good time. I nod, leaning over to kiss him softly. His eyes close again as I stroke his hair affectionately. I stay silent, for if I speak now, I fear that I will spill my heart to his inviting half awake self.
I have not the strength to tell him my heart burns for another, for indeed, it burns just as strongly for him, and to choose would be to split in two. My heart does not distinguish the one who needs my love from the one who merely wants it, and so I let my weary brain take control when I am with him and the sin stays locked away inside.
Once again his blue eyes are fixed upon me. His hand strokes my cheek as he asks if I am all right. The concern on his face drives me almost to the point of tears and my actions from earlier bubble to the surface in my mind.
I smile unabashedly and capture his lips in a searing kiss, determined to drive away the evening's effects on me. Breathless, I ask him if he loves me. My selfish insecurities need the reassurance and I am relieved as he nods, smiling as his lips once again brush mine. I break away again. "Unconditionally?"
He studies me for a moment, nonplussed by my unusual questions. I can practically hear the seconds tick by before he whispers 'yes' in reply.
My heart aches to tell him, when I realize it must be all over me. The sins of my undiscerning heart consume me and are imprinted on my body, slick now with silent tears and the sweat of nerves. Her scent is in my skin, the same places her lips trailed earlier, he now revisits. And he knows. And yet he loves me. Unconditionally.
The heart does not distinguish the love it wants from the love it needs. It does not distinguish between the given and the forbidden, and so it burns for one just as fiercely as the other.
A/N: I sort of didn't want to mention names, I had to with James and Harry cuz I thought it would get too confusing. I mean, its pretty obvious I think, but I'll tell you anyway. Sirius is narrating, Lily's the girl, Remus is the boy in bed. Uh, yeah. Don't really know where this came from, but there you go. Cheers for reading! thoughts...