"In a cup of Tea"
by Shelly Webster and Arsen Dalavaccio
Disclaimer: We don't own Escaflowne. If we did, Sei would actually be in the series and Folken might at some point decide to be a nudist...hey, we can dream!
A/N: This story is so fun for us to write...We've both had nights where we thought about it and couldn't sleep. And nights where we stayed up to ungodly hours to write on it together. In fact, we might even have a sequel in mind already...Oh no. I am going straight to hell...I forgot to thank my D for her beta-work in the last chapter. Uh, yeah. I shortened the name because it felt off to me.
Shout-outs:
Sakura Shinguji-Albatou: Woo! Someone left a review! Everyone loves Sei. Apparently he's canon. Heh. Just in the never shown but had to be there way (like the other DS or something). Somehow I think in asking for more you will get more than you asked for. cough We are working on it very slowly, but you'll see...
Threshie: We passed! And before long, as in by the 7th chapter, you will see as we do. Fate! Fate!
Chapter 2
The Indifference of Ghosts
"Here, drink this." Sei handed the Strategos a cup of his tea, having noticed as soon as he walked through the door that he was not his usual self.
"Thank you." After sipping the tea, Folken sighed.
"What troubles you?"
"Our talk from yesterday." Indeed, the words had haunted him worse than any ghost of the past.
"I am sorry if I spoke out of turn."
Folken's head was bowed. He stared up at Sei, only moving his eyes. "No. Not at all."
"What can I say to help?" The change in the young man was distressing to say the least.
"I don't know." Folken sipped his tea, looking as though he was concentrating intensely upon something. He didn't look as if he had slept at all the night before. He was so broken...
"Why are you letting yourself die when you clearly want more?"
"What is it that you think I want?" Folken sighed frustratedly. "Sometimes we cannot have what we wish to. More often than not, actually."
"Sometimes we do not have what we need."
"Self-denial?" He gave a short, unpleasant laugh.
"I don't know what you want; all I know is your death helps no one." Sei understood that death was a natural part of life, but he couldn't bear the thought that it might come so early to some, before their lives were complete.
"You think I'm starving myself of the things I need emotionally?"
"You deny yourself everything. Only recently you began allowing yourself tea and my company. Before that, nothing." Sei had picked up enough from Folken's words over their time together to know this was true. The quiet man read and worked and little else.
"I really do not have much, Sei. Had I known you before, I might have come to visit. Have you honestly talked with any of the other people here?" After a pause, he added, "I know you've talked with Dilandau." There may have been something off about Folken's tone when he brought up the albino commander, but Sei brushed this thought away.
"Not many beyond him."
"And have you seen how he is?"
Broken and war-driven. Lost. "Yes. Are there many like him?" Sei's heart lurched at the mere thought of there being so many as deeply hurt.
"No. In ways, yes. But for the most part, no. In his blindness and confusion, everyone here seems to be that way."
"Everyone here is alone. And lonely. Why do they – we – think we must all remain so lonely when we need not be alone?"
"Because it is human nature to be lonely."
"It's human nature to love and be loved." Though Sei himself never found romantic love and never expected to, he had seen enough love of that sort and others to know that it exists.
"Perhaps then, it should be understandable why I am the way I am. I am not human."
"Just because you don't want to be human doesn't mean you aren't human."
"I'm not." It was a fact few people seemed to overlook, but the doctor had.
"You're half human. And you are a feeling, thinking person."
"Yes."
Sei sipped his tea. He wasn't sure what to say to Folken.
Folken was thoughtful as he spoke again. "Perhaps it would be better, then, not to have that half."
"Only someone truly afraid of his own nature would think that."
Folken said nothing to that for a long while. Finally he spoke. "You do not understand fear."
"Neither do you. No one can. All one can do is feel it." Sei knew the Strategos would try to disagree, but he knew also that the younger man was less wise than Folken thought.
"I understand it. I control it and channel it, the same as anger."
"You might think so, but you're wrong."
"Am I?" Folken laughed harshly, looking at the table sadly.
Sei frowned, shaking his head sadly. "You are. Control is the most dangerous thing in the world, because it is so easy to lose."
Folken was silent, thinking. He looked up. His cup of tea was empty. "Could I have some more tea?" He looked back down at table.
"Why should I let you have tea?"
"No reason." This was said quietly, truthfully. Folken knew that he was not doing anything worthwhile with his life, despite his efforts. He deserved no reward. With how he had treated Sei and Dilandau, he would not blame Sei if he were never given any tea.
Sei poured Folken a fresh cup of tea. The steam curled above it slowly and mysteriously, before melting into the air as though it was never there. He set the teapot on the table with them, his way of signaling that Folken was welcome to more as he chose.
The usually emotionless man took it gladly, sipping away.
"Do you know why I let you have this tea?" Sei wasn't sure why he was bothering to ask, but he did wish to teach this man before he would die.
"No." He hadn't cared, so long as he got some. The drink was almost addictive to the Strategos, the only peace he had found in years of searching for something which had a feel of meaning to it.
"Because people should be compassionate. You looked like you needed tea, instead of just wanting it."
The light-haired man smiled a partial, desperate smile. His voice had lost its usual calm, cool collectedness. "I'm close to losing it, you think?"
"I don't know. I just know that you needed tea and someone to drink it with you." And that you have been alone for far too long.
Folken nodded, drinking some more. Folken was very happy to be getting more tea. He liked this idea of compassion after all. After every few sips, he sighed.
Sei looked at him curiously and somewhat concerned. "What is it?"
Shutting his eyes, Folken slowly gave an answer. "...nothing." He drank more. "I shouldn't say anything."
"Why not?"
The young man bowed his head. "I don't like talking. I don't feel like doing this..." But he couldn't stop himself from speaking. Not anymore. The broken, dying man had held his tongue for far too long to continue to do so.
"What's wrong with talking?"
Folken drank more tea, trying to avoid the question. "I can't talk. I've got too much I must know to let you tell me what you think of it." He had no idea that this explanation probably made no sense.
"I can't change you. Only you can do that. Talking is not harmful. Does it frighten you to tell others about anything that might be part of you?"
The quiet, apparently cold man turned away from him.
Sei sipped his tea, waiting for an answer.
"I am not afraid. I fear nothing. I lost everything long ago. What does someone have to fear when they don't have any of their old trappings? We haven't won a new world yet. I can't lose something I haven't gained. What could I possibly be afraid of?" For once, Folken sounded slightly unsure of his question himself.
Sei managed to find an answer to this question. "That you did lose everything, and gained nothing. That you hurt people even though you cared about them."
"I care about everyone. I can't let my personal feelings get in the way of that. I...can't save those I love." He sighed. "I can't save Van..." He sighed once more, very heavily.
"No one can save everyone they love all the time. But we still have to try. What do you need to save him from?"
"This mess." War; life...
"If he's like most people, he doesn't want to be saved. He just wants someone there to bear the trouble with him."
"I..." He sometimes wished he could be saved. But the accursed Draconian remained broken and tarnished, certain he was beyond saving. "All of them, struggling so much with themselves. It seems such an unnecessary waste. I would like to help them unravel their troubles, if they would let me. But they can't let go. They won't let go." He sighed and sipped his tea.
"Mayhap they need to unravel them for themselves." When others do the unraveling, people deny what they see. Sei's thoughts related to his situation with Folken at present.
"But they don't. That's why I want to help them, if only to simply let them see what they must unravel."
"They might not want to, but in the end they'll have to."
"Exactly." He sipped more tea, staring straight ahead. "Glad you see my point."
"That's not what I was saying. They don't all need your help. Some might, but you can't expect everyone to rely on you. It would only break you."
"There doesn't seem to be anyone else who has stepped up. Not on the magnitude required."
"Sometimes one need not step up. People find each other at the right time." Sei suspected that might be part of why Folken was with him, fate bringing them together for Folken's sake. Or perhaps even for his own.
"Emperor Dornkirk has taken this up, and so I follow him. No one seems to be doing that, Sei."
"Doing what?" Sei wasn't sure if Folken was talking about Emperor Dornkirk now or about something completely different.
"That is the point I'm trying to make. Maybe they are supposed to be working things out on their own, but they don't. They just don't."
"In the end, they usually do. Unless their time is cut short."
Folken sipped from the porcelain cup, looking at table.
Sei made his point more clear. "And you can't help with that."
"I can try."
"Only if you want to break yourself faster. Have you unraveled your own troubles yet?"
Folken was silent.
Sei sipped his tea, waiting to hear something from the other man. He could and would wait.
Folken set his teacup down. "My trouble will only end when I finish the work I do for Emperor Dornkirk."
"Why do you say that?" What Sei saw suggested that more problems stemmed from how close he was to the Emperor than was worth Folken's devotion.
"My only desire is for peace on Gaea. That is all I care about."
"Only desire? What about the desires of your past?"
"What do you mean?"
"If the desires of your past are unresolved, they can still affect your future."
"This is not about me."
"Why not?" It was frustrating and disappointing how Folken never allowed anything to be about himself.
"My troubles stem from a wrong way of life."
"A wrong way of life?" While the physician saw problems with the other man's life, they were not problems the other man was acknowledging.
"I did not know what was right or wrong. I was a foolish young man. Emperor Dornkirk changed that." He sipped more tea.
"What did you do that was so foolish?"
"I lived for war, the same as everyone else I knew. I fought, I learned to kill, and all to perpetuate unnecessary hatred between others."
"You still do live for war."
"I live in a time of war. There is a difference. I work for peace."
"Is there a difference? Your side started this particular war."
"This war, yes. There have been many others."
"And probably always will be. War happens. It makes people appreciate peace all the more."
Folken shook his head. "Believe what you will Sei."
"Think about things. More importantly, feel about them. Feeling, believing, is a better way to see than letting someone else think for you."
"Hm." Folken sipped the tea, not wanting to focus on what the doctor meant.
"Everyone here is blind – the blind leading the blind. Or they want to be blind."
"Even you?"
"Sometimes. You think I want to see everyone die?"
"Of course not. And do you think I want to continue this job?"
"I haven't seen you try anything different."
"There is nothing different that I feel suited for. This job needs to be done." He shut his eyes. "But honestly...I hate it."
"What is it about the job that needs to be done?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you do it – why do you say it needs to be done?" If his companion insisted on dying, Sei would at least ascertain that it was necessary in some way.
"Because it must. The Emperor needs someone to plan things out for him, to run things. No one else bothers to truly listen to what he says."
"He needs someone to challenge his ideas; to refine them. That would be better than what you do."
Folken blinked. "What are you talking about?"
"You truly listen to him, you think?"
"Yes." He found Sei's previous idea laughable. "If you know of someone else who can do this job better, please find him and bring him here."
"You take his words, whatever they may be, and deem them perfect. Then you find a way to make it so. He needs to make them perfect by changing what he says at times. No one is perfect the first try. You can do the job well. But you do not challenge him, though you are smart enough to do so."
"I don't challenge him because he is right!"
"You don't challenge him because you don't give enough consideration to what he says! He wants your brother gone! He sees him as a threat, probably because he knows you still love Van. And you don't seem to understand this!" Sei was emphasizing nearly every word at this point, trying to get Folken to think about what he had been saying.
"Van is only a threat if he continues to oppose Zaibach. If he could be persuaded, then he would be fine." Folken worked hard to believe this, to believe that his work would help his brother.
"You mean if he wishes to remain free and try to help his people he's a 'threat'?"
"Well, he is mistaken." Deep sorrow briefly flickered in Folken's eyes.
"In what?"
"In thinking that he is free as he is now. He is bound by war and the way of the world."
"As is everyone. But at least his mind is freer than yours."
"My mind is clear."
"Of everything. Including free thought."
Folken glared at him. "How is it that you can persist in thinking that just because someone has made a decision and seen something to be true, that they must be the absolute worst of philosophers and therefore their words have no value?"
"How is it that you misinterpret my words always and think that philosophy is static when everything else changes?"
"What is true never changes. It is only our reception to the truth that changes."
"Truth always changes. It once was true that I had a brother. Now it is true that I have memories of a brother. He was not dead until he died."
"That is strange logic."
"You always say that." The doctor took a breath before explaining his words. "The dead are not born dead. They must live first. It is a balance. Death means nothing without life."
"And what if you never had true life to begin with?" Folken's question was earnest.
"Then you find or make it."
"It was given to me by Emperor Dornkirk. How can I possibly make you understand this?"
"Try explaining it." Sei was frustrated by how Folken seemed to expect blind faith in his words.
"Very well. I nearly died, he saved my life. He offered me a chance to help in this great struggle. I took it. End of story."
"You go so in-depth... He saved your life, but you're still dying."
"Yes, I am." He sighed. The doctor was not going to let that point go, to Folken's dismay.
"And this says nothing to you?"
"No. You don't understand the situation as I do."
"Then explain it."
"I refuse to try to explain anything to you anymore."
"And yet you expect me to be as mindless and conforming as everyone else, though I know nothing to make such a choice."
"No. I want nothing more than for you to understand what is and what is not. But you're so blind to this and call everyone who does see blind as well."
"You want nothing more than to dazzle me with your riddles."
The taller man folded his arms. The doctor never seemed to listen to anything he said.
Sei spoke once more. "There is no truth. Not like what you think. It is a river. It will not stay the same just because you say it does."
Folken was aggravated to the point of having nothing to say.
"Why do you come to me? You do not wish to hear what I say." Sei might have raised his voice by now, but it was not his nature to do so.
"Obviously, I have nothing better to do at the moment. And you are quite the peculiar one." He truthfully didn't know why he came back over and over. Deep down, further down than he could see, he wanted to be reasoned out of everything he had done.
"Ah. 'Let's go pester the loony doctor; that's always good for a laugh.'"
The Strategos smirked. "You're crazy if you think you are." Which didn't make a whole lot of sense right now, but he didn't care.
"You're the one who finds it so peculiar that I want to be me, not an empty body. I don't think I'm off my rocker, but you imply that I am."
"Oh, you're not insane. Just confused."
"So are you. You are no god. You cannot hope to know and understand everything."
"The only way that we truly know anything is to first admit that we don't know everything."
"I do agree. But that admission does not bring more knowledge in and of itself."
"Interesting." He sipped his tea, ignoring the doctor a bit.
Sei sipped the tea as well, giving up on this conversation for now. "Would you care for a biscuit?"
"Yes, thank you."
Sei got them out, setting them on a small plate.
The Strategos lifted a biscuit to look at more closely, interested. "I've never seen one of these before."
"They come from my country."
"What is your country? I don't believe you told me." Just as likely was Folken having forgotten, not caring at the time. Even now, he sounded quite obviously disinterested.
"Do you even care?"
"Do you think I do?" Folken, as usual, averted the question with a question of his own.
"Not particularly."
Folken smiled. "You are insightful. But please indulge me anyway."
"Certainly. I come from Daedalus."
"Yes, I have heard of it."
"What have you heard of it?" Sei leaned towards the other man. So few people would ever talk of his homeland with him.
"Nothing of importance. Do you have trouble importing these from there?"
"At times, but I like them well enough that I take the trouble of it. Do you still get anything Fanelian for yourself?"
"No. I take nothing from Fanelia. I avoid the place at all costs."
Sei found himself growing more curious about the younger man, but before he could ask any of the multitude of questions that were flashing through his mind, he heard an unpleasant sound. The sound of a dire emergency which was clearly coming for him.
It was so urgent that they hadn't even sent a messenger to warn him. Instead, all Dr. Erimentha heard to alert him was the crying and moaning of the patient and his distraught companions.
He leapt to his feet and ran out into the hallway to help get the patient in. While his back was to the doorway, Folken slipped out, silent, but stately. And like a ghost, he was gone before Sei could notice. When Sei did notice his guest was no longer with him, he felt a dull ache inside, wanting the younger man near so he might save the noble philosopher.