"In a cup of Tea"

by Shelly Webster and Arsen Dalavaccio

Disclaimer: I own this computer. As a gift. I'm broke! So I clearly wouldn't own an anime series. Though I do have a lovely novel which was written for me.

A/N: Wow. Parts of this chapter, Sei reminds me of Pearl, a teacher in my favourite film, The United States of Leland. Thanks also to McVities. Sei salutes them for their excellent bickies. Sei is in his mid-forties.

Shout-outs:

Lady Thompson: Ok, shared his age.

Sakura Shinguji-Albatou: It wasn't originally going to be slash, so I added that later to the summary. And I suppose I can share him. A little.

Threshie: They don't always drink tea, but there are frequent references…

Chapter 5

Past Pleasure and Present Emptiness

"Good morning, Sei."

The doctor looked up. "Good morning, Folken."

Folken seated himself at the usual place. He set an old box on the table.

Sei looked at the box curiously.

"I'm giving you my chess set, Sei. I have no need to keep it anymore." He sighed. Folken couldn't seem to hold any love for the game like he used to.

"You should keep it," the older man urged.

"No. I do nothing with it. And after I'm gone, you'll be able to make use of it."

"With whom?"

"I don't know. I used to play it against myself." Folken's reply was empty, rather than irritated.

"You're the first person I played with since…my brother. I don't intend to play with anyone else."

Folken sighed. "Very well, then. I'll keep it." He slid the box along the table so it rested before Sei. "I thought you might enjoy having a look at this."

"What is it?" Sei ran a finger along the lid, which was still slightly dusty, though it had been dusted off earlier that day, it seemed.

"Some old work of mine."

"Oh?" He opened the box, pleased for such a chance to see what Folken once had been.

The books within the box contained several stories and romantic musings that he'd written down when he was much younger. Children's stories. Fables. That sort of thing. There were some beautiful illustrations in there as well. "You seem to hold out for the part of me that wrote those, so I thought you'd want to read them."

Sei smiled, looking very touched; he stroked them gently as he fingered through the pages. "Thank you. I am honored."

Folken nodded. "You are welcome."

"When did you last read them over?"

Folken began setting up a chess game. "I don't remember. I never look at them anymore. I came across them while looking for some old notes."

"And you don't want to read them one last time?"

"No." The Strategos kept his face composed into its usual mask. "I hold no love for them anymore."

"What do you hold love for now?"

"Apparently, nothing."

Sei sighed. This was not the answer he wanted to hear.

Folken set up the white pieces for Sei and the red pieces for himself. He moved a pawn. "I still love a good conversation. That is something I will never tire of."

"What is a good conversation in your eyes?"

"Something which stimulates thinking. Something that isn't mindless and without feeling..."

"Something that makes you feel less like you're dying?" Sei suggested quietly.

"No. It makes me feel less like everything around me is worthless. And it makes me feel less constricted."

"Constricted how? By what?"

"By...emptiness, I suppose."

Sei put a hand on his shoulder.

Folken didn't look up.

"I wish I knew what to say..." the doctor began, "You have to find your own thing to fill the emptiness."

"I have nothing, damnit. I've told you that several times already."

"Nothing? People live who have less than you. You have someone to talk to, at least, even if I'm not always very good for it."

"That is worth something, yes."

Sei smiled faintly.

"But it is not worth everything. I enjoy talking to you, Sei, but these conversations are not enough to make me wish to endure this hell any longer."

"What would be enough?"

"Apparently, nothing is." Folken's voice was growing quieter as his temper rose.

"Everything I suggest, you reject...even if I see you want it."

"Because it is illogical."

"Wanting something to make life worth living is illogical?"

"No. That is natural. But your belief that there must be something is. There isn't always something to make life worth living, there isn't always a chance for redemption. There doesn't have to be light at the end of the tunnel. The world is a tenuous balance of chaos and order. Therefore, negative things do exist." Folken didn't realize he was doubling up on philosophies here.

"And there isn't always someone to catch you if you jump off a cliff, right? You have wings. You can catch yourself. And I thought you didn't agree that the world has a balance?"

Just because I have wings, that does not mean I can fly. "It does...In the natural world, it does."

"Why are you trying to hide from nature? From your own nature?"

"Because... I don't wish to see any more of the damage that nature creates. It should be controlled, thus negating the need for balance." Folken's philosophies kept failing him as the doctor pressed him to explain more.

"What damage are you against? There is always damage."

"There always has been. That's what we're trying to eradicate."

"You can't get rid of death, or any other 'damage'."

"Death is not necessarily negative. Clearing away the dead things helps the new living things to form. Anyone who knows anything about plants knows that."

"Then why does the Emperor fear his own death?"

"He doesn't fear it. What gave you that idea?"

"Even I've heard rumor if his life support system," the physician pointed out.

"That was not created out of fear. He needs to remain alive until his work is finished."

"If his work is so important, someone else will continue it for him."

"No one else has his vision."

"Not even you?"

"I do share it, but I need his guidance."

"I think you would do very well without it." Better without it. Sei knew not to add the latter idea aloud.

"Of course you do. You're trying to convince me not to follow him, therefore you think that by removing him from my life I will somehow be 'cured' of whatever ailment is making me do such foolish things."

"I have said no such thing."

"No, you did not."

"I merely think it might not be so absurd as you think."

"Oh, really?" Folken was being sarcastic, though he knew Sei was likely to ignore it.

"Yes. People need to live for themselves and make their own mistakes."

"I have made my own mistakes. I refuse to do that anymore."

"Why?" Sei remembered the game and moved a knight.

Folken smirked. "It took you long enough." He moved a bishop.

"You're so fascinating I overlooked it. What can I say? Quite the charmer." He moved a pawn.

"I didn't realize you had a sense of humor, Sei."

"Oh?"

"Must've overlooked that."

"And I didn't think you had any appreciation for humour. But what makes you think I was joking?"

"Oh? You weren't?"

"That is something only I will know." Actually, even Sei himself was not certain if his words had been serious or in jest.

Folken was surprised. "Ah...I see. Well, honestly, when people talk like that, they sound sarcastic. And I've heard more than enough sarcasm from Dilandau to be an expert on it."

"He doesn't know how else to be." Sei couldn't help but defend the youth.

"No, he doesn't. I didn't say there was anything wrong with his sarcasm."

"Ah. Just pointing it out. But I do enjoy your conversation."

"You do? Good." He moved a rook to capture one of Sei's knights. "I would hate to think I was forcing unwanted company upon you."

"You have never done such a thing. Your visits brighten my day, even if you make me feel so useless sometimes."

"Well, thank you for sharing the knowledge. I do enjoy the conversation and the tea. Though I must admit that neither of us ever seems to be interested in our chess game." He smiled a bit.

Sei also smiled. "It is just a distraction if we become uncomfortable."

"Ah...Because we hate each other, right?"

Sei was baffled by Folken's apparent conviction that they had such severe animosity. Baffled and hurt. "Do you hate me?"

"No, Sei."

Sei rose. "And I do not hate you, as I keep saying."

"I was just about to ask you if you were ever planning on making some tea..."

"That is just what I was thinking." Sei brought the tea to the table.

"You'll have to show me how to make it some time."

Sei smiled.

"I feel somewhat foolish that I can follow complicated scientific formulas, but can't, for some reason, make a simple cup of tea."

"It's just because you're not used to it. It's a skill not many bother with."

Folken still felt a bit odd that he hadn't been able to master it. I'm a genius, right? It's ludicrous! I can't even make tea.

"It's a different type of tea than you might brew on your own, anyhow. It doesn't steep the same length of time."

"I see."

"Perhaps next time I make it, you would like me to walk you through it."

Folken sipped the tea. It worked its calming magic, as usual. This was like giving him crack. His eyes were shut and he looked absolutely peaceful.

Sei watched; he was always surprised and mesmerized by this moment when Folken was not so hopeless and hurting.

Folken was in his happy place. He completely forgot Sei, Emperor Dornkirk, Dilandau, and those damned Dragon Slayers.

Sei sipped the tea as well, not wanting to disrupt the moment.

Folken opened his eyes after a minute or two, glancing at Sei and smiling a bit. "I apologize for holding up the conversation. I haven't had the best of days."

Sei smiled. "You looked serene; I didn't want to disrupt that."

"Thank you." He took another sip and set the cup down. "Have you ever studied how quickly rumors spread around here?"

"I don't get out enough to do so."

"It keeps everyone on the edge, trying to put off the right impression to everyone else. Then you are lucky enough not to have a reputation."

"Oh? You hear no rumors of me? That is a surprise."

"No. When not in the medical field, one does not hear of individual doctors. Likewise, no one hears of the individual sorcerers."

"Ah. But I am not just a doctor; I am the doctor that Dilandau lives with. That is why I am surprised."

"What makes you think anyone really knows where he is? I didn't exactly advertise it. He disappears; no one knows where he goes. That's why no one knows that the sorcerers work on him."

"Yes...but his men know where he is. I don't think they are very fond of me." Sei smiled wryly.

"I doubt they dislike you anymore than they hate me." Folken smiled a bit. "You are the lesser of two evils."

"Ah. But they think I have bewitched him to get him willing to stay."

"They are a group prone to delusion and misunderstanding. They aren't allowed to know anything and the mind always attempts to find a conclusion."

"This is very true. You and I make quite the match...probably the two most hated people on the Vione."

Folken laughed. "Yes, I suppose so."

Sei also chuckled.

"The hated should stick together."

"Perhaps." But how close? He continued speaking, his voice quieter. "I wonder if Dilandau could ever learn not to hate you..."

"That depends. Do you think he could learn not to try and kill everyone he meets?"

"He doesn't try to kill me."

"I was exaggerating, Sei."

"I know."

"Our relationship is too far gone. He does not give up grudges. And considering everything he feels I've done to him, I doubt he'd ever stop hating me."

"Why does no one in Zaibach think that people can change?" It seemed a little odd that Zaibach would find anything static, considering that they were so loving of progress.

"Because they never do."

"I know that is not true."

"No, it's not." The jaded young man sighed.

"Then why do you say it?"

"Because it is a common expression here."

"Ah. And easier to believe?"

"Yes, sometimes."

"What is so frightening about change?"

Folken stared down at the chess board. "It's not change in itself, I think. It is rather what things can change into."

"Oh?"

"The negative side of life."

"But things later change for the better."

"We like things to remain as they are when they are positive and to change them when they are negative. No one ever wants to go from better to worse, Sei."

"I know..." He sighed.

Folken sipped tea.

"But not everyone tried to go from bad to worse."

"They didn't have to try. It just happened." He seemed more calm. He seemed more like he was when he first talked to Sei.

"I meant you."

"What do you mean? Of course I didn't try to change my life for the worse. But it happened as Fate commanded."

"And Fate told you to let yourself curl up and die?"

If you felt something like getting your arm ripped off by a dragon ruined your life and you obsessed over it, what would be the one thing you wanted? To change that thing that happened. While these were Folken's thoughts, he was not about to share them. "I was ready to die then. I wanted to die then."

"But he saved you..."

"Yes, he did. And I am grateful for it, much as so many people think I am not."

"Did you ever think that might mean that Fate does not want you to die yet?"

"It will have me die when my time is come. Fate uncontrolled is something inescapable." Folken was reciting his beliefs like algorithms.

"Partly. But partly people create it. You might be changing many great things by letting yourself die."

"Such as?"

Sei sipped his tea. "I don't know. Perhaps making sure the sorcerers do not harm any more children."

And suddenly the calm was gone again. He looked grated. "I can't do anything about that. Those experiments are necessary."

"Are they? How many of them succeed?"

"Yes." At the second question, Folken was silent. He sipped his tea for several minutes, remaining quiet.

Sei rose to pace the room. After he had paced for a time, he spoke. "You know I have a point."

Folken maintained his silence.

Sei stopped pacing, standing near Folken, but with his back to him. "I don't know why I won't let myself stop trying with you..."

"Oh? Feel like giving up, Sei?" A part of him felt bad for Sei wanting to give up. They were both the same in that respect. Wanting to give up, but unable to...How sad.

"I can't. I don't want to...I just want to...I don't know..."

"You're confused. Sit down."

"Why?"

"You'll feel better."

"Right..." He clearly didn't believe it, but sat anyhow.

"Why do you want to give up?"

"I want to know why I won't let myself give up. I want...to know that you actually hear what I say."

"I hear what you say. Just because I don't agree doesn't mean I don't hear. I'm not deaf." Not like the Emperor.

"There's a difference between hearing and listening." Sei was sounding almost more like Folken than like himself.

"I listen to what you say. How could I argue if I didn't hear it in the first place?"

"But do my words mean anything, or stay merely words?"

"They mean much to me, Sei." For once Folken stared him straight in the eyes. "I do appreciate what you're trying to convince me of." He sat back in the chair and drank more tea. "I'm just more realistic than you are, that's all."

"Ah...realistic. For letting and helping someone try to create a world where everything and everyone is nothing but mechanics."

"Would that honestly be so terrible?"

"It's killing you, so I'd say yes. And honestly, if you take the heart out of people, they will eventually die too. Just not as fast as a Draconian."

"How do you know that? There will be a chance for happiness once the war is over. Even if it isn't there for me."

"Happiness in what?" Tears were starting to come to his eyes, but not too noticeably.

"In living freely." Folken took a cloth from his pocket and handed it to Sei.

Sei took it, looking puzzled as he blinked back his tears. "What's this for?"

"I've seen plenty of people cry in my lifetime to see the signs. Let me ask you this."

"I'm sorry. I'm not going to cry..."

"Take it anyway. If you had not suffered the things you did, no painful memories caused by war, would you still be as sad as you are?"

S kept it, twisting the cloth in his hands. "No, but everyone has painful memories. People like…or, rather, need pain to appreciate the happiness. And they need meaning."

"That cannot be proven true."

"Or untrue. But sometimes one can feel a truth. And I feel that one."

"Your feelings can't be proven true either."

"Perhaps not, but I know them anyhow."

"Fine. You know them. I do not." He sipped tea. "I only know what I've seen proven."

Sei also sipped his tea.

"I can hold to that, and that is why I choose to believe the things I do."

"Or because you're afraid of hope."

"Hope in things that will most likely fall apart is very detrimental to the psyche."

"Despair is more detrimental to it."

"Despair can easily be warded off. Hope drives men insane."

"You haven't warded off your despair and many a worse thing than hope has driven a man insane."

Folken shut his eyes, weary of the world for now. "I'm tired of hoping for something better."

"Maybe you hope for the wrong thing."

"I hope for a better world and that is the only thing I can hope for without misery attached to it."

Sei brought the kerchief to his eyes.

Folken rose from the table, intending to leave again. "You should know better than to hope. This is a perfect example of why I don't hold much of it. You hope for me to change. Your hope goes unfulfilled. You are now close to tears. I rest my case."

"Perhaps. But if I did not have that hope, I would have been crying a long time ago."

Folken blinked, choosing not to remark upon the shock that statement gave him. "I must be off now."

"Good day then."

"Good day to you. Enjoy the box." He left.

A whisper followed him out of the room.

"I shall."