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Traitorous Black's Hot Hotseat
Episode III: The Other, Other Best Friend
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Top of the morning, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the morning edition of TB's HHS. We are out under the beech tree today and it is… so very, very early. Apologies to our adoring audience. I, your host, am in fact a vampire, and highly incapable of working very well in the morning—especially on the weekend—due to certain nighttime… wanderings. So… why have an early morning edition, you ask? The explanation is plain and simple, really. However, I am not allowed to say more than "the moon tonight is going to be full"—that in its entirety is an explanation deemed "fully sufficient" by our Board of… Sufficiency, which is wholly made up of one James Potter, one Lily Evans, and one Remus Lupin. Yes, the Remus Lupin—the one that is, as a matter of fact, to blame for this morning edition.
Mister Remus Lupin: If I weren't so used to you, Sirius, I'd be incredibly offended. You have, for your information, just incriminated my condition.
Sure, Moony, whatever. Miss Evans, could you tip me some more of that coffee, please? Yep—good—little more—that's great. Mmmm. So… on the last episode of TB's HHS, the accused himself, Mister Remus Lupin, was our guest. Today, however, he is not. Now, I know I stated that Miss Lily Evans was to be our next guest, but I, unfortunately, lied. Miss Lily Evans is, as public knowledge suggests, incredibly stubborn. She refused to guest and as a result now sits among our studio audience of four. Yes, four! Potter, Evans, Lupin, and—drum roll, please—sweet and darling Miss Gladys Bishop, who decided to join us today after she was so happily mentioned and promised a date to Hogsmeade during the last remaining minutes of our previous episode. She tells me that she is my most avid fan. Kudos to Miss Bishop. A round of applause for that lovely young lady, please.
Audience: (applaud)
Miss Gladys Bishop: Oh, my… (giggles) Thank you, everyone.
And so we come to our most pressing issue yet. Who is today's guest? Well, he is not here yet. And until he does arrive, I shall continue to talk and talk and talk, as I have done for the past horde of minutes. You see, the thing about being a host is that you have to know and master the delicate art of improvisation. I, for one, have. Let's all be honest here, birds and blokes… am I not excellent? I mean… I've been stalling since the very beginning of the show, spouting out an insane amount of improvisation, and yet I remain cool, suave, and entertaining. I really am a rather brilliant man. Don't you agree, Gladys?
Miss Gladys Bishop: Oh, yes, of course! (giggles)
Miss Lily Evans: Brilliant ego, Sirius. Just… brilliant. I mean… it just… shines so willfully and unfalteringly like a blazing hot sun above us, blinding us all and… giving us cancer.
Mister Remus Lupin: (laughs)
Mister James Potter: (nods in a manner sage enough to be reminiscent of the great Albus Dumbledore, only in a significantly less magnificent manner)
Shut up. Where in the bloody hell is Wormtail? I'm fast running out of pointless rubbish. What is he doing anyway? What could be more important than this?
Mister James Potter: Well, for Wormtail, I doubt there's anything more important than this, but he couldn't exactly brush off McGonagall, y'know.
I'm bored. I didn't think my very own talk show would lose its novelty so quickly, but I guess Pete's just gone and proved me wrong. He does have an uncanny talent for buggering things up.
Mister Peter Pettigrew: (dashes across the notably moist ground, leaving odd, squelching noises in his wake)
Where the fuck have you been?
Mister Remus Lupin: Language, Sirius. We've all decided to keep the show PG-13, remember?
It's just 'fuck,' Remus. Everybody says 'fuck.' And for god's sake, the name is T-bloody-B. TB! Not fucking Sirius. We've already talked about that. I made you sign a damn contract.
Mister Remus Lupin: James burned the contract, TB. It was recovered in tatters. All the signatures were singed. As for the swearing, you participate in it much too often. People don't usually expect PG-13 talk shows to be a living profanity, but if you insist in cussing so much, then by all means go ahead. Your show will be cancelled soon enough, and peace will reign once again.
Mister James Potter: I didn't burn them! They fell into the fireplace!
(ignores Mister Lupin and turns scathingly to Mister Potter) Under your watch.
Mister James Potter: Under my watch? Bollocks! Why in Merlin's name would anyone watch a piece of parchment with a bunch of signatures thatyou forged?
Exactly, Mister Potter. You didn't watch it.
Mister Peter Pettigrew: Um… Am I still going to be interviewed, or have you guys changed the plan? Is the show postponed? You didn't wipe me off the guest list, did you, TB?
No! Sit down. Not another word from the audience. Except for Gladys, of course. She's such a darling. Any comment from you shall be welcomed with a chorus of… songs that are sung by heavenly angels that shall descend upon us from the skies.
Miss Gladys Bishop: (is incredibly flustered and rendered momentarily speechless)
Miss Lily Evans: (thinks that said reaction is laughable, but doesn't say anything, keeping in mind her mother's rules of politeness)
So, Mister Pettigrew… I've, uhm, I've lost my questionnaire. Bugger. Well, that's fine. I am a smashing improviser. Mister Pettigrew, if you had one guess, what would you say is the first question that I am about to ask you?
Mister Peter Pettigrew: (stares for a bit) Uhm… How I'm doing? Something about my health.
Wrong! I was going to ask you if you were married.
Oh. (peers curiously at TB and decides that his friend had once again climbed a couple more steps up the ladder of insanity)
So? Are you?
No, of course I'm not married. What's wrong with you? Stop being such a tit and ask me good questions.
(shifts around and, with a look of unease, whispers) Actually, Pete, I sort of have to go to the loo. (resumes loud Talk Show Host Voice) Ladies and gentlemen, an emergency has arisen and I am required to be gone momentarily. However, not to worry, my dear friends. Mister James Potter, our guest from Episode I, is here and offering himself up to be my substitute host. Let's give him a warm round of applause!
Mister James Potter: I'm not offering myself up! No! Sirius!
(dashes away from the show site, yelling) You've now been given full permission to use the Talk Show Host Voice, Mister Potter! And you've been pardoned! I forgive you for burning the contract!
Mister James Potter: I didn't burn anybloody contract! At least not intentionally. And I refuse to take over your duties!
Miss Lily Evans: James, you're already in possession of the Talk Show Host Voice. You can't turn it down now.
So what if I possess the Talk Show Host Voice?
Mister Remus Lupin: Obviously, you can't converse as a normal member of the audience since, as we've already established, you're in possession of The Voice. Just go ahead, Prongs.
Fine. Sirius tinkles pretty quickly anyway. Remember, Pete? When we had that contest in third year?
Mister Peter Pettigrew: How could I forget? I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a cold morning, if you can recall. The kind of morning that can give an individual the overwhelming urge to pee their heart out—
Mister Remus Lupin: Yes, Peter. I'm sure all of us involved will never forget that moment, mainly because of the level of trauma it caused. Otherwise, I am exceedingly sure that anyone not involved wishes to stay uninvolved, and does not want to hear your detailed account of it. Or anyone's, for that matter.
Miss Lily Evans: James, really. You can't possibly be worse at hosting than Sirius.
Will you break up with me if you discover that I am?
Miss Gladys Bishop: (turns to Miss Evans and surveys her with rapt attention, silently willing said Head Girl to say "Yes")
Miss Lily Evans: Of course not.
Miss Gladys Bishop: (mutters)Damn.
Traitorous Black: (runs in great haste toward the beech tree, yelling as any madman would) I'm back! I'm back! I'm baaaaack! I take The Voice back!
Mister James Potter: What? But I was just startingto enjoy—damn.
Miss Lily Evans: It's okay, James. Come over here and sit with me.
Mister James Potter: (complies and gives Miss Evans a kiss—he does so any chance he gets, even during inappropriate moments)
Mister Peter Pettigrew: (looks away in disgust) Okay… so what the hell happened to my interview?
It's coming, Pete. Just shut up and learn how to wait. Folks, I'm back. Thank you to Mister James Potter, Head Boy and Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, for his quick pseudo hosting.
Miss Lily Evans: TB, did you wash your hands?
(ignores Miss Evans) Mister Pettigrew, I know that most of your friends treat this talk show as a joke, but tell me, what do you honestly think about it?
Mister Peter Pettigrew: Well, to be honest, TB, I sometimes think that it's a joke too. However, whenever I watch past episodes in Lily's charmed camera-video thingy, and see such beautiful moments—like that time when you exposed Lily and James as notoriously virginal…
Mister and Soon-to-be-Missus Potter: (huff in outrage)
Mister Peter Pettigrew: …or that time when you talked so freely about Remus' condition… thingy, that we had to do a memory charm on all the students who saw it, including Miss Bishop over here…
Miss Gladys Bishop: (looks on in confusion)
Mister Remus Lupin: (performs a quick, underhanded memory charm on the oblivious Miss Bishop)
Mister Peter Pettigrew: …that lovely moment when you made Remus cross enough for him and the others to grind you about your masculinity… You know, TB, when I remember things like that, I think: Wow. That's one talk show that's going to make its way through history. And that's what I think.
Wow, Mister Pettigrew. You keep talking that way and you're going to make me pretend to cry.
Mister Peter Pettigrew: (shrugs proudly) Just speaking the truth, TB.
Well, Pete, as much as I'd love to just chat away… we've run out of time! We've still got to salute and acknowledge our lovely sponsors. We've become quite popular, you know. We are, of course, being endorsed by Miss Gladys Bishop over there. Applause, please. Applause! Applause! The Gobstones Club! Their president, Miss Ophelia Fenwick, even donated a set of gobstones for the amusement of our staff. Also the band of wizards who call themselves the Dungbombs! God, they love us. If anyone would like to be a sponsor, please simply approach any one of the Marauders. They are all very willing to help.
Mister Peter Pettigrew: Is that it? You got to ask me one question.
Wrong, Pete. I asked you close to three questions. Ladies and gentlemen, that's our show! Tune in again next time. As for our guest… Well… (turns to Miss Evans and whimpers) Please, Lily, love, I'll do anything. Please, please, please? You're always here anyway, might as well guest. Please? Yes! (swivels back and smiles charmingly at the charmed "camera-video thingy) Head Girl Miss Lily Evans! And it's really going to happen this time around! Thank you to Miss Gladys Bishop. I'll meet you round the Humphrey statue, darling. Oh, and Mister Remus Lupin would like to thank Miss Linda Abbot for a wonderful time at the—
Mister Remus Lupin: Sirius! No! Stop! (jumps TB)
Oomph!
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Viewer Comments
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Mister Peter Pettigrew
Well, I suppose it's my fault I didn't get enough media exposure. Well… McGonagall's, really. I told her I had something important going on, but she wouldn't let me off. And Sirius, too. He should have peed before the show.
Mister Jack Higgins
Lupin, you're a bloody wanker! "No relationship whatsoever," eh? You better watch your back.
Mister Remus Lupin
Jack, I swear to you, I have never gone out on a date with Linda. I have never been on any date with anyone in my life! Sirius is a prick, you know that. Please don't go so low as to believe in what he says.
Mister James Potter
The Dungbombs aren't really endorsing the show voluntarily. Sirius asked them to, and they said they'd only do it in exchange for three boxes of stink pellets. Oh, and… my deepest, sincerest apologies to the owners of the Zonko's franchise over at Hogsmeade. Sirius Black did not mean to do that, and he swears that once you take down the "Wanted" posters, he'll drop by and pay.
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A/N: Yay! Another episode! Hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please review. If you didn't, review anyway.
The first two Episodes, of course, can be found in my profile. Later episodes will be a little funnier if you've read the others before it. Little background info, you know?
HBP in less than 3 days! OMG!