Title: Unattainable Wishes
Author: Firnuial
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters or plots, they belong to George Lucas. I am also not making any money off of this, it is purely for fun. The italicized words are parts of "Thousand Mile Wish" by Finger Eleven.
Summary: Obi-Wan has many consuming regrets that he broods over on one stormy night during his exile. Drabble.
This time alone could never cause any doubt
But I've been cold too long
Such a strange time to find myself coming down as the rain
Regrets. So many regrets ravage my mind, eat at my soul. By some odd chance of fate it is raining on this cold desert night, effectively mirroring my own dismal thoughts. It is, oddly, the first time this planet has seen rain in one hundred years. Of course, it is also the first time this planet has seen a Jedi's soul so torn it is nearly split in two. Tatooine has been experiencing many new things these past few years it would seem, just as I am. During these past years I have been experiencing loneliness in a way I never thought possible. For I used to always have someone to return to. Someone, somewhere; was waiting for me to return to them. Qui-Gon, Bant, Yoda. You. But now there is no one, no one waiting for me after this endless exile. Now, there is no one to talk to, to share this burden of guilt. I am alone in this desert. But which desert am I alone in; the barren desert of sand, or the unforgiving desert of my past?
Can it stay until we know ourselves?
I'm torn as I tell
You're the story that I know and fell from
For the past still tears at my heart, slowly destroys my soul. You were my life, Anakin. After Qui-Gon died, you were my reason to keep living. And now, with you gone, I wonder why I should continue to live at all. I have failed in all that I've tried so hard to succeed in. I failed Qui-Gon, I failed the Jedi, I failed the Republic. But what hurts the most is knowing that I've failed you. I failed to train you patience, acceptance, how to release your emotions into the Force. I failed to see your love for Padme until it was too late. I failed to see my own love for you as my brother until it no longer mattered. Until it couldn't change the fate you condemned yourself to. I failed to protect you, Anakin. I failed to save you. And now it is my duty to protect your child. The child whom I know will carry on your legacy. I will not fail this time, Anakin. If this is to be the one task I will succeed in, then so be it, but I will not fail. You were my brother; I would do anything for you, even after you betrayed the Republic. After you betrayed me. But then again, perhaps it was I who betrayed you, and not the other way around. But I don't want to remember that lifetime anymore, its memory causes flames of pain to leap at my heart, burning it, scorching it beyond recognition. I want the past to disappear into the cold, empty stars. My stars were shattered. But I cannot make it disappear. I must remember; it is my duty. Not my duty to the Jedi Order. My duty to my brother, Anakin Skywalker.
I'm so far into your story I don't know why
We think we're in control
When we lie between the lines
I seems to have happened so long ago; I'm beginning to think of it as a different lifetime. But isn't it? The lifetime of the two greatest Jedi, the two strongest brothers. A lifetime before an inevitable war tore the galaxy apart, ripping it into shreds that barely resembled what it used to be. Before the Republic willingly killed nearly all of its guardians. The galaxy that they fought so hard to save killed its two greatest heroes in the end, when the fighting had finally ceased. 'The Negotiator' and 'the Hero with No Fear'. They died the very moment the war ended, and yet their death was overlooked. Forgotten, and brushed aside by all who still remembered. By all but me, perhaps. I remember you, Anakin. You were my brother, I loved you. I still love you. Why can't this all just be a dream, one that I can wake from at any moment? Why has so dark a nightmare become my reality?
They saw something that they know
Has never come so close
Can it stay here for us, for now?
I never thought you should save the galaxy, Anakin. I wouldn't ask such a heavy burden to be put on you as the Council did. An impossible burden, I might add. I just wanted you to save me. To save me from myself. I don't think you ever realized it, brother. I was a machine after Qui-Gon died, perhaps more so than you are even now. He was like my father, and after his death, for a while, I was cold and distant, ever the emotionless Jedi that the Code demanded. The perfect Jedi, some people thought I was. But I was barely Human, Anakin. Until, as my Padawan, you showed me how to feel again, how to break free from the numbness I felt. You became my son, and later my brother. You saved me many times, more than you ever thought you had. You turned me back into a living person, my friend. But in the end it seems that your gift is what destroyed you. The galaxy could not take the passion of one such as yourself.
Further gets colder until nothing was all that I saw around
So we stay until the ground
That we can't come down from splits us away
We had climbed so high, my brother, we were invincible. We were at the top; the best team the Jedi had. But at the height of our glory, we fell. Silently and quickly, and no one noticed until it was too late to save us. We fell because nothing that we thought we would see from the top was real; there was nowhere left to go. Truths turned to lies, and the sturdy ground we had trusted to support us broke apart from beneath our feet, felling the tall mountain upon which we stood, brother with brother. Were we always doomed to fall, or could it have been changed? I have so many regrets, my brother, but never about you. Not once about you.
So can you stay until we close our eyes?
'Til your dreams hold mine
Just stay until we know we tried one more time
I want to go back and do it all over again, for you. I want to take your hand in mine and guide you, try our lives all over again. Try to make things right, to make everything correct that had ever been wrong. Why does Fate not give us a second chance, Anakin? It has given lesser, undeserving men many chances to further ruin their pointless lives! Why are we forsaken so? I would give anything to save you, to start over. I cannot rest until I know that there was no other way, that the future was perhaps already written, and that nothing I could have done would have changed it. But in my heart I know that such a thing is not true, so it seems I have now condemned myself to wander within my mind forever. Oh, Anakin, I'm so sorry.
Maybe stars know why we fall
I just wish they were thinking out loud
Oh, I could wish all night
Was it always our destiny to become enemies to each other, in this twisted reality? This distorted view of everything that Palpatine has made for us? I hope it was not written, brother; that he was to lure you to turn on everything you once loved. And yet, at the same time, a part of me wishes it had been written. So that I wouldn't feel so much guilt, so I wouldn't have so many regrets. But it is a selfish thought, and I know my heart feels otherwise. Perhaps I should start listening to my heart; surely it would not have brought us all to this hell. I would always like to imagine you as the headstrong young man, Anakin Skywalker, whom I once knew; not as the monster Darth Vader that was created by darkness and deceit. That our friendship was not doomed to descend into flames from the very beginning. I wish I could have seen what was happening. I wish I could change it all, Anakin, to save you. I wish I could turn back time to help you, as you helped me so long ago. I wish...
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