A/N: For those of you who have been hoping for more smut, I give you this! I hope you all enjoy this chapter as I am a bit anxious about it. Please read and review.
Erik could only stare at Gia's note. How he wanted it to be true! For most of his adult life he had yearned for a woman to love him, all of him, without reservation. Her note was unambiguous and to the point: she loved him. Erik knew he had to consider that she might not mean it, that it was just a ploy, but his heart had other ideas. It told him Gia would not lie to him about how she felt about him. She had never done so in the past, and there was no incentive for her lie now. What Gia did was hide her emotions because she was afraid of what admitting them would mean. For her, putting those words to paper was a leap of faith.
He held the note carefully in his hands, almost certain it would shatter if handled roughly. For a moment, he set it back down on the desk, then opened the drawer where he kept his most precious possessions: the score to Don Juan Triumphant and Christine's engagement ring. To them he added Gia's letter. He would cherish it always as a reminder that at least one woman had loved him.
But he was at a loss at what he should do armed with this knowledge. His heart was screaming at him to go to his bed, tell her how he felt, and make passionate love to her for the first time. His mind told him he must guard his heart, he could not be certain she truly loved him. Hours earlier she had been in the arms of another man. She had violated his trust by reading Christine's letter and it was her fault that Meg Giry was now aware of his continued existence and that he was Gia's lover. If Antoinette did not control her, she could ruin them all.
He pushed himself away from the desk and his first thought was to go to the organ and play. However that was not an option because he did not want to wake her. Instead he paced back and forth along the shore, going over the events of the last few days, his mind and heart at war with each other. He was almost tempted to sit back down and make a list so he might go over it and analyze this problem from a distance.
Erik could not be sure how much time passed, but the walking and thinking were exhausting him. He needed to rest for a few hours, and he would have to do it next to Gia. He had promised her that he would sleep by her side, and after he had been the one to implore her not to leave him, it would be rude and ungracious. Besides, he told himself, she might need the warmth of his body. She was almost certain to catch a cold from her sojourn through the sewers, and the added blankets might not be enough to keep her warm. If she became seriously ill, he would be there to help her. He could not abandon her after what she had braved to come to him. She knew his temper all too well and what he was capable of, and yet she had still come. Not out of mere loyalty and concern, but love.
He did not deserve her.
If he had any sense, he would wake her in a couple of hours, take her back to her room then leave Paris. Her heart would recover in time. It would be the safest course of action for them both; her reputation would no longer be at risk and he would no longer need to be concerned about discovery. She would understand. She might shed a few tears, but she would let him go. And that was why in his heart he knew he could not leave her.
Erik returned to his bedroom, and pulled out the ottoman she had once kicked at him, and brought it over to the bedside. He watched her toss and turn, restless, her body contorting into different positions trying to find one that suited her. In the process, she had managed to knock off two of the blankets he had heaped upon the bed. At the moment, she was lying on her front, her head turned toward him, her still damp curls tossed to the side. Suddenly she flipped to the other side, facing away from him as she drew herself into a ball to try to consolidate her body heat.
He could not stand to watch her any longer and do nothing. Quickly, he removed his mask and stripped off his clothes, but knowing his nudity might unsettle her, he put on a pair of black silk pajama bottoms that he rarely wore any longer. He had found in recent days he far preferred the feel of his sheets against his bare skin to anything else. If anything, it reminded him of Gia's soft skin when she was not there. He had not slept well since they had parted; the nightmares of the evil he had done were a constant theme when he attempted to take any rest.
In an effort to comfort her as much as himself, Erik slipped into the bed noiselessly and pulled her to him, enveloping her in his arms and against his chest. The smell of lavender clung to her hair and intoxicated him. Sensing his presence, she rubbed the side of her face against his neck, pleased that he had finally taken his place beside her. Her hands which had been curled up against her chest relaxed, and one came to rest on his silk covered thigh.
His stupid body reacted immediately to her innocent touch, hoping that it was a mere prelude to more. Erik tried to think of something that would quell his arousal but all he could think of was her wrapping herself around him as she told him she loved him and wanted to be his. If he did not bring himself under control, she would feel him poking into her backside. Sometimes he disgusted himself. What Gia needed was rest, not his randy cock. Had the situation been different he simply would have relieved himself. His hands were used to such work, God knew how many times they had brought him to empty fulfillment before Gia became his lover. He had to hope that if he lay still long enough his desire would subside.
Gia had realized he was getting into the bed when she felt the telltale whisper of air that indicated the sheets were being pulled back. Lying in his embrace made her feel warm and protected. She wondered if he had found the note she left lying by the bathing tub. She had thought he noticed it, but she could not be certain. She should have handed it to him proudly instead of tossing it onto the floor like garbage. Would he think that was what it was? Something she had tossed aside because she wished to be rid of it? Nothing could be farther from the truth. Gia had simply lacked the courage to look at him as he read it. She would not be able to bear it if he turned away from her, or worse laughed at her sentiments.
Despite all those misgivings, she wanted him to know how she felt about him. He might not believe her, but she would not look back with regret because she never told Erik she loved him. Eventually he would find it, was what she told herself as she tried to fall asleep. Now that he was holding her, she let her hands drop down, and one brushed up against his leg before it came to a stop on his powerful left thigh. She felt a bit guilty about touching him so intimately as she was supposed to be resting, but she told herself it was the natural place to put her hand while in this position.
A moment or two later Gia could feel his erection against her bottom. Now she really did feel guilty. He was trying to help her stay warm, and now she had made him uncomfortable. He was trying to stay still but she was feeling restless so she turned over, no longer with her back to him but now laying against him, chest to chest. She could feel his heartbeat thundering.
Feeling playful Gia opened her eyes and murmured, "I don't feel much like sleeping at the moment."
At this he groaned, but he did not react how she expected at all. He made no move to kiss her or touch her. Erik only opened his extraordinary eyes and moved away from her so that they were looking at each other but not touching at all.
"Gia, I found your note," was all he said to her at first. His voice was so soft, just barely audible. He paused for a moment and continued, "I do not know what I could have done to ever deserve it."
There it was, finally out in the open. He knew how she felt about him. It was a relief, and yet it was the most frightening thing that had ever happened to her. While he had not rejected her out of hand, he had not said the words in return, nor had he given any indication that his feelings were more than friendly affection.
She reached across the expanse between them to caress his ravaged right cheek, and replied, "Everyone deserves to be loved, Erik. Even you. Though you may not believe it."
"How could you ever love me? I am a monster," he said as a tear formed at the corner of his eye. He closed his eye and it began to slide down his cheek until it reached her hand. As the moisture spread on her fingertips, she removed her hand and sucked her fingers where the tear had made contact with her skin.
"I would do that for all your tears, if you would let me. I imagine you have shed enough tears for many lifetimes. I would consume them for you so you might never feel them against your face again if you asked it of me." He could only stare as she took his face in both hands, cradling it gently. "I love you."
The words rolled easily off her tongue. It felt so natural and right to say it to him directly. But would he ever believe her? Would he ever truly let her inside his heart? But this was not about her or her emotions; she wanted to give him the consolation of knowing that there was at least one soul on this Earth that loved him unreservedly. She cherished all of his faults, for without them he would not be the man he was. And she loved that man for all his foibles and flaws.
Erik was at a complete loss for words. To hear her say those words, and look at her, to see her expression when she said them, he could no longer doubt their sincerity. He was loved. It seemed his impossible dream was merely an improbable one. In his bed lay a young, vital woman whose heart ached for him. A week ago he would have been thinking how he could use something like this to his advantage in order to manipulate her, but that was now unthinkable. She had too much loneliness and isolation in her life, a life that wastoo like his own for him to try to use her in that way. A deep sense of shame struck him as he recalled how he had used her for his own ends. He wanted to make it up to her in one of the few ways he knew how.
He turned his face into her palm and placed a hot open mouthed kiss at the center which caused her to slide her other hand deep into his hair and emit a deep rumble of contentment. Erik took her hand by the wrist and slid it down his bare chest until it came to rest at the apex of his thighs where his arousal had not abated. She needed no further encouragement to slip her hand under the waistband of his pants and take him into her hand.
At her careful measured stroking, Erik no longer merely wanted Gia, he needed her. His hands flew to her hips and her began drawing the red nightgown up so she would be naked against him. It got bunched around her waist and he could not resist taking her ass in his hands. The skin there was so soft, evidence that it had never been touched by the sun. He leaned in to kiss her, hoping it would still her hand, but even as their mouths sucked and tongues entwined, she did not stop.
Deciding to take control, he turned Gia onto her back, reached down and forcibly removed her hand. He held her down by the shoulders and said to her, "As much as I am enjoying what you are doing my dear, I need for you to stop doing that. I want this to last as long as possible. I want to remember making love to you Gia."
Tears of joy sprang to her eyes but before they could fall he was kissing them away as he ran his large magnificent hands over her body. They roamed in and out and around her curves, committing them to memory. His mouth claimed hers again, and instead of the usual frantic, hungry, possessive kisses there was a sweetness that was no less passionate and arousing. He was doing more than just trying to give her pleasure, he was actually giving himself to her for the first time, and that meant more to her than him telling her he loved her.
As he cupped her breasts through the thin fabric he could feel them respond to him, tightening, yearning for more stimulation. He gave it to them, sucking through the silk, and he could feel her hands digging into his shoulders encouraging him as she made the most beautiful noises he'd ever heard each time his tongue made contact with her swollen nipples.
"Oh yes Erik, right there!" she moaned. He ceased his actions only long enough to remove the nightgown, and then he took a moment to look at her. It was the same body he'd come to know intimately, and yet it looked somehow different to him. It was flushed with a fine sheen of sweat, or was it merely wet from his mouth, and he dipped his tongue into the valley between her breasts to find out.
It tasted salty, but it was unmistakably Gia with faint touches of lavender lingering on his tongue. Her hands were running up and down his back before she slipped her hands under the pants once again, mimicking his earlier actions. She then began to try to push the pants off completely, and he did his best to help her. When they were no longer within her reach, he drew them off, and came to rest on top of her.
He was rampant and insistent against her hip, but he was willing to prolong their foreplay. There was no hurry. He returned to putting his mouth to work on her neck, as his hands continued to play on her chest, but her voice suddenly interrupted him, "Erik, where are the French letters?" He stopped, and smiled at her, his ever practical Gia. He reached toward his bedside table and took one out, and was surprised when she took his hand in hers.
"I want to do it. I want to put in on you myself," she said, her voice full of determination. She struggled a moment, the damn thing was too small. She could not make Erik's fine French flesh fit into the French letter. Although she was now bright red with embarrassment, he behaved as though nothing was wrong, and whispered some instructions to her. With a bit of lubrication, it fit around him and unrolled easily as she pinched the tip to leave room for his release. She gave a sigh of relief once that was accomplished and he rewarded her with playful kisses all along her face and neck.
But the playfulness evaporated as he ran his right hand down her left hip, then brought it in between her thighs. He found her hot and wet, more than ready for him. He could tell she was on the verge of orgasm, and he wanted to be inside her when she came. She parted her thighs and rocked her hips in silent invitation. He responded by grinding against her and taking her right hand in his and bringing it down between them.
"Take me in your hand. Put me inside you," he urged her. She was somewhat shocked at his request, but he closed his hand around hers, and she guided him to her center even though her mind and body were screaming for him take her. There was something so intimate about him letting her take control at this point. She could feel him filling her as he sank into her depths, and once they were joined completely he took a moment just to savor the sensation before he nearly withdrew completely then plunged back down into her which sent Gia tumbling over the edge.
She wrapped her legs around his waist, and he continued to thrust, using one hand as leverage and the other between her legs for added stimulation. Gia was lost in a haze of sensation and she could not stop herself from coming yet again. It had never been like this before with him. Her confession had spurred him on and he was determined to show her just how much he needed and wanted her. He wanted this to be perfect.
She raked a hand along his back, and he sped up, his hips moving faster as he neared his own long awaited release. Their lips met again and against them he said, "Come again Gia, come with me. I want to look into your eyes when we come together. Please."
She forced herself to open her eyes, which had been shut. Her blue ones met his green ones that burned in a way she had never seen before. They were alive with more than lust. They seemed to silently cry with each deep thrust, "I love you." It was all too much for her to take, and her body exploded with a force she did not think was possible. She could not even be certain Erik had released until he fell against her, clearly spent, his mouth muttering something unintelligible against her shoulder.
They lay together like that, without speaking, just holding each other, and at times stroking the other person's skin. To Gia, this was home, lying in his arms. It did not matter where he was, that was where she wanted to be: at his side, giving him whatever he needed. She closed her eyes to savor the closeness, but felt him retreat so he could dispose of the French letter. He returned quickly and instead of spooning against him, she pushed him on his back so she could use him as a pillow by entwining her legs with his, and curling her body around his hip. Her head lay solidly against his shoulder. The added weight felt right and good. His hands came around her back, holding her close so she would know how much he wanted her there.
Gia fell asleep a moment later, but Erik found himself wide awake. This was actually for the best, he mused. He would have to wake her quite early if she was to make it to rehearsal on time. Although they had only coupled once, physically and emotionally it had been the most satisfying experience he had ever had with her. When they had come together that final time, he had whispered against her fevered flesh, "I love you, Gia," but she had been so mindless, she had not heard him. He was not certain he would be able to tell her that in the morning.
The fact he had been able to say a woman's name besides Christine coupled with those words was still something alien to him. He had been so certain that Christine had been what he wanted and needed, his soul mate and angel made flesh that he had never really ever considered loving another woman. And yet, he inextricably did. Gia had become like a part of him. It had happened slowly, but he knew losing her now would be just as painful as his parting with Christine even though his relationships with both women had been vastly different.
There was a permanence, a steadiness that there had never been with Christine. With her, there had been passion and obsession that had brought him to the edge of reason and pushed him spectacularly over the edge when he saw her response to another man. He wondered if his feelings for Gia would become twisted like that. It might be best for her if they broke things off before he would be unwilling to let her go. He did not want to feel that way about another woman again. Look at how he had reacted to her with that boy in the hallway!
He supposed he could marry her. If he proposed, she would undoubtedly accept him without reservation. But what kind of life could they ever possibly have together? He lived out of the world, and although she had tried to remove herself from it as well, she did not belong among the moldering stones beneath the Metropolitan. At the same time, he could not imagine himself as any kind of husband. What in God's name would he do with himself? And what of children? She would want them eventually and he did not want to risk another child bearing his curse. Marriage was out of the question, but he did not want to lose her either. Perhaps she would come to see him as a friend again with time.
There was still Christine to consider. Sooner or later he would have to make a decision on what to do about her. She would probably be coming to Paris to see the ballet, and he would get his chance to see her again. What would her reaction be to finding him in bed with another woman? He could not be certain what he would happen when he saw her again, and yet he knew he needed to see her in order to put things right between them. Her husband would be another problem. Christine had never been the best at hiding her emotions, and he seriously doubted anything had changed. The boy was not a complete fool and was likely to be suspicious. To say the situation was a delicate one was something of an understatement, he thought idly.
For now though, he would be content with Gia. He would find a way to make this work, somehow. There had to be a solution to this problem he had created. He forced those thoughts from his mind, and replaced them with the fresh memories of Gia. Restful sleep descended rapidly after that.