Author: Sparkle Itamashii

Title: Clandestine Revelations

Warnings: Respect the "R" rating. (I hate the new rating system so I'm sticking with the old one!) Please see my profile for details.

Disclaimer: Digimon and its characters, settings and plot are NOT MINE.

Chapter Nineteen

It wasn't like I didn't know what I wanted- not anymore. I would put money on the fact that Taichi had also figured out what he felt and where he stood, even if he hadn't actually come out and said it. I also knew that he had probably guessed how I felt, too. Words just weren't necessary to understand each other. Even so, even after sorting through our own feelings and each others' feelings, even after figuring out all of that we had only touched the tip of the iceberg. Have you ever felt like you were coming up to a giant waterfall you couldn't see and couldn't hear but you knew was there? That's kind of how it was. I felt like I knew that we'd jumped out of the pot and into the fire.

I mean… okay, it was one thing to figure out on your own that you liked someone and possibly to know that they liked you back. It was another thing entirely to consider the ramifications of such a realization. Tai was right- I did have two choices. I could choose to do something or I could choose to do nothing. Both choices were going to have an effect and what effect they had would depend entirely on how we went about going through with the choice.

On the one hand I could choose to do nothing. We could ignore everything that had happened, pretending that it didn't, and go on with our lives like we always had. It might be awkward at first and maybe we would stay together as friends and maybe we would drift apart but it would be a subtle change. Except… I knew that if I did that, I would not be able to forget. Now that I knew I was never going to be able to forget and the harder I tried the worse it would be. Just because I knew what was going on in my own head and had a good idea of what was happening in Taichi's, my behavior would change. Not on purpose, but I know that it would.

On the other hand, I could choose to do something. I could cut off everything with Taichi or I could… well, I mean... do more. I could be more to him than just a friend, or at least let him be more to me. It seemed so strange to think like that- scary, almost. I liked where things were; or I had until Kari's little suggestion. We were best friends but we were more than just normal best friends. Everyone at school watched us and honestly I can't suppose I blame them. We were a rather animated pair and Taichi made sure that he was the center of attention. That wasn't a particularly hard feat, considering he was one of the better soccer players and he was best friends with the lead singer in one of our school's well known bands. I don't know how we didn't draw more attention than we got. Thinking about it… I'm actually not certain how Kari's realization wasn't brought up sooner by someone else.

None of that seemed to make it any easier to consider everything. It only made it worse. With all those people watching I knew that if I chose to act upon our realizations, everyone would know. If I stopped talking to Taichi and we didn't associate with one another, people were going to ask questions. Then again they would also take notice if we… if we got together, I guess.

And did I want that anyway?

"Argh…" I curled up on the couch, burying my face in my arms as I wrapped them around my knees.

Did it do any good at all to worry about this? I mean… I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what I wanted but… Shouldn't I just say "screw you" to the people who would care if we got together?

I knew I couldn't.

Maybe if it was just me and Taichi this could affect, then I would be able to toss the opinions of others to the wind. If I knew that it would only be between us then I don't think I would care. I think Taichi was not thinking beyond himself right now. I don't think that he was considering what this might do to him with soccer. For a moment there, I'd forgotten that I was in a band and that if I got together with Taichi they could be hurt. I wanted to think that the people in my world wouldn't care who I got together with but I knew it wasn't that easy. They would care.

Even if it wasn't Taichi, they would care.

Tai wasn't thinking about that, so I had to think about it for both of us.

Our friends and peers weren't the only ones who would care. What about our parents and our siblings? I knew TK and Hikari would handle it decently; well, Hikari would and TK would follow her lead, especially if it involved me. Mom and dad… they might get used to the idea after a while but I know that it wouldn't happen without a fight. Probably not without many fights.

I relaxed into the couch and laid my head against the back. I should probably go and talk to Taichi soon, before he got bored of waiting and came out here or worse, fell asleep in my bed. I'd managed to get halfway out of my seat before I heard my bedroom door open. Staying where I was, I let myself sink back into the cushions and waited for Tai to appear.

He peeked tentatively around the corner, fingers curling over the edge as he looked at me. I waited a moment to see if he was going to come closer but he didn't seem particularly inclined. "I can see you, Tai."

"I know… I just… thought maybe we should switch places. My bag's out here and I saw yours in your room."

"Are you suggesting we do homework?" I cocked an eyebrow at him. If he was suggesting we do homework instead of talk, he must really be nervous.

"No, I just thought…" He sighed. "I don't know what I thought."

"Have a seat," I suggested, pulling my legs up under me to sit. I waited until he took a seat in the chair next to my couch and then looked him over carefully. "I'm still a little… confused," I admitted softly.

"Me too."

"Have you thought about… everything? There's so much to think about, Tai."

"I know." We stared silently at one another before Tai dropped his gaze to his hands, picking at his fingers. "I know you don't think that I'm… that I think about the right sort of things, but I do. I know you're worried about what will happen. I know… you're worried about other people as much as you are about us."

"Aren't you?" I asked, voice strained. If he knew, why wasn't he worried?

"A little," he digressed, risking a quick glance at me. "But you know… I don't even know what I'm supposed to be worried about anymore. You keep walking away without telling me what's really going on in your head and it's starting to scare me."

"Scare you…?"

We sat in silence for a little bit, the ticking clock across the room the only sound. Finally he shifted, shrugging. "I don't want to lose you, Yama. I've thought about this a million times since Saturday and that's the one thing I know I won't be able to handle. Anything else you want, I'll do. But stop walking away from me."

"What if that's what I want?" I challenged, though my voice was weaker than I'd hoped it would be.

"It's not."

"But what if it was?" I insisted, brow creasing seriously. "If I told you to, would you leave me alone?"

"No," he said quite simply, staring right at me. "I'm never going to leave you alone."

I recoiled internally at the way he inflected his words- different than mine. When I asked if he would leave me alone I was asking if he would let me be. When he said he would never leave me alone it was clear that he meant I would never be by myself. He meant that he wanted to be there with me, where ever "there" was.

"But I don't think you want me to leave you alone, Yama." He was right and he knew it. "And I don't want to leave you alone. So now what?"

"You think I know?" I laughed, though it sounded a little hollow and tired. "It's not like we can go back to school as something completely different than we were when we left today. It's too fast."

"Is it too fast," he said quietly, "or do you think too many people would notice and object?"

My skin prickled at the gentle accusation. "This isn't about pride, Taichi." He dropped his gaze from mine to stare into his lap again. "It's not what other people think, it's what they're going to do. Takeru and Hikari could probably handle it all right but what about our other friends? What about my band mates? What about your soccer mates? Classmates? Teachers?" I pressed a palm against the bridge of my nose, willing myself to stay in control without snapping at him. "Of course they're going to think things but I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone would just let something like…"

"I know," he replied, sighing. "But is it really okay to just be friends now? I can go to school tomorrow and pretend that nothing happened but I'm always going to know that something did."

"I just think we should give it a little more time before we do anything," I said, a little irritated that he was being so obstinate.

"If I let you have more time then you're never going to decide anything." I could hear him reacting to my change in tone but for some reason it hadn't registered that he was only reacting.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What do you think it means, Matt?" His voice was edged with defensiveness. "You can never make up your mind about anything on your own. If it was up to you, this would all hang in limbo forever."

"Is that what you think this is; what you think I'm doing?" I said incredulously. "That I'm just yanking your chain, leading you around and not making decisions because I don't want to?"

"Yeah, that's kind of how it seems," he retorted, glaring indignantly. "Unless you can prove me wrong, that's how it is."

I couldn't find properly angry words to respond to that and so I stood, chucking the pillow I'd been holding at his head. "Fine. Apparently you really don't understand and you can just go home. There doesn't seem to be a point in you staying if you don't think I can make a decision."

"I know better than to leave again," he said, placing the pillow gently on the couch beside him.

"Get out of my house," I ground out through clenched teeth.

"No."

We glared at each other for a long moment but I knew I was going to lose. I'd never been very good at staring contests, especially not when my anger had been aroused. I was too pissed that he thought that way that I couldn't stand there by him. He seemed to realize it in the same instance and I saw his eyes flicker to my hands to make sure I didn't have anything else to throw at him.

"I'm not going to hit you," I hissed angrily. "I'm going to bed. I expect you can let yourself out just fine. Good night." Taking a deep breath and giving myself a good, internal shake I headed for my bedroom, leaving Taichi stranded in my living room alone.

/End Chapter Nineteen, Clandestine Revelations/

Notes:
Some people have asked me about the title of this story. I thought I would make it perfectly clear that I think this title is the stupidest title I've ever made. I specifically created it with the thought that I would make it long and stupid. I searched a thesaurus online for the longest words I could find to mean "secret realization". Tada, your history lesson for the day.