Yes, I'm alive T-T You have no idea how bad I feel for not updating for so long. This chapter was one hell of a challenge to write. I felt soooo incredibly insecure about my writing after reading other people's writing. I just didn't think I was good enough. Then, I didn't really know how to express all the different characters. It was so hard trying not to make them act all weird, but I think I did anyway. It was so weird! I got so much writer's block. I swear, if I didn't have February vacation to write this, you'd still be waiting for it when summer rolled around.
The amazing thing is that it's almost longer than my first three chapters combined. That's kind of a strange accomplishment. This is an extremely long chapter… is that good or bad? Haha…
Well, please have patience and read this. Keep in mind that I was really frustrated at times and under a lot of pressure. The whole time I was on FF. net I kept thinking, "God, why don't these other writers ever update their stories! It makes me so mad!" then I got all mad at myself because then I realized, I'm even worse than most of them! T-T So I sat down and forced myself to write the rest of it.
I think that's most of my rant. (Hey, I had it in me for almost six months, can you blame me?) Please, please review. You have no idea how much reviews help. Without all your encouraging reviews, I probably wouldn't have been motivated enough to finish this. Thank you so much to all the reviewers.
Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket. Now enough of the delay! On with the show! XD
Chapter 4: Love and Hate Denpa- Kazuma, Kagura, Akito, and Hana
Kazuma sidestepped a puddle unsuccessfully and ended up with a wet sock. He sighed. "It's days like these that I regret wearing sandals."
But I'll never regret…
He carefully made his way to his destination and stopped.
"Kyo Sohma."
…making this choice.
"Well, Kyo, when was the last time I saw you? …a month ago? Seems like… a lot longer than that. Seems like you've been gone forever."
Even if…
Kazuma smiled sadly and bowed his head. A respectful moment of silence. Kyo deserved it.
I have to…
"It's not my fault! It's not my fault!"
"It's all right… I know."
...visit a gravestone.
"It's not your fault, Kyo. Please don't torture yourself over this. It's not your fault; it's not Arisa's fault. It may not even be Akito's fault. Don't let yourself be overcome with hate, mistrust, guilt… it'll only make things worse. Do you think… do you honestly think Arisa would be happy to know that you beat yourself up over this? It's not… your fault. It's… destiny."
"Everything happens for a reason…" How long had he lived by those words? His life was not one of a normal, average human being. Yet, all those strange happenings, all the supernatural forces, all the things that happened in his life, he never questioned them. It was all destiny, right? If someone had chosen for him to walk this path, then he would accept anything that came his way. "…even if we haven't found the reason yet."
But why did this happen?
"You know…" he looked up at the rain. It was days like this, he recalled, that Kyo hated. Funny how it started raining right after… it happened. Kyo may have hated the rain, but the rain didn't hate him. "…you had no right to trust me. You knew I obeyed Akito, too. I knew I was being selfish. I took you in when you were alone… because I wanted to atone for my grandfather. I didn't want to live regretting the hurt I must have caused on him, just because he was the cat… so I thought… I could help you. And that would show my grandfather… that I did love him. I was wrong to push my grandfather away. So I decided I would accept you instead of pushing you away, as well."
"I didn't want to… I wouldn't be like everybody else. I made no effort to understand him… I didn't try to help him escape from the loneliness and the pain he must have felt. So… I wanted to make it up to him by showing compassion to you. Then, I wouldn't feel so guilty. I wouldn't feel like I was such a horrible person. But in reality, it was all just the same."
I know I was wrong. I know I was selfish...
"That… changed. You changed me. It turned from repentance to acceptance. I loved you. I still do love you. You weren't my grandfather. Kyo, you are you, and that's all that matters now. I can't fix what I did to my grandfather, but I can accept you. And you…"
"…no way! SHISHOU ISN'T MY DAD!"
"It was okay if you didn't accept it. As long as you were happy. All I wanted was for you to be happy. That time… I thought Tohru was the one. I really had hope. It turns out I was wrong." He smiled. "But you did find the one. Her. Arisa Uotani."
"I am thankful that Arisa came into your life. She brought light to you. She changed you. That changed Akito. Akito… he never was as cruel as anyone thought. Did you see it? How he never brought it up at the end of the third year? He never called for you after the first meeting, did he? He wasn't like that. So I never brought it up. We thought, we all thought, we could surprise you. And then you could be happy forever. We didn't know… that this would happen. We honestly thought you had a future."
Kyo stopped in the doorway, then backed up a little bit. "Hey, Master?"
Kazuma turned around. "Hello, Kyo. How was your day?"
"Why the hell are you here?"
"Do I need a reason to be here?"
"You're always here for a reason."
"Kyon, what the hell are you standing in the doorway for?" Uo said impatiently. "It's hot out here."
Kyo's eyes darted back and forth from his girlfriend to his guardian. Finally giving up, he walked into his house and took off his shoes.
"Hey, Kyon, aren't you gonna introduce me?"
"Yes, Kyon, introduce us." Kazuma said, a smile on his face.
Kyo twitched. "Yankee, Kazuma. Master, Yankee." He said quickly, then turned around and ran up the stairs.
Kazuma smiled, turning to Uo. "Yankee?"
"Haha, yea. He'd probably feel weird calling me anything else. Anyway, I'm Arisa Uotani. Nice to meet you, Kazuma-san. Kyon's told me a lot about you."
"And I've heard about you, too. Nice to meet you… Uotani-san."
Thirty minutes later, Kyo came down the stairs. He froze when he heard their conversation.
"…And when he was 9, he thought he could land on his feet no matter what, so he jumped down the stairs from the very top. He broke his arm. But he was very graceful."
Kyo scowled as Uo broke out laughing. "It's good to know you guys are enjoying your quality time."
"Yeah, actually, we are! Wanna join us in our fond memory searching of you?" Uo asked, grinning.
"Shut the hell up." Kyo said, grumbling.
"The first thing I noticed… was how much she was like you. Immediately, I felt like I knew some part of her. That may have been because… part of her was you. I wouldn't have minded if she was my 'daughter'. I loved her like one. You and Arisa belonged together. You two could have been together for the rest of your lives. Nothing could have ripped you two apart…"
"I know you two fought a lot, and your relationship was always so conflicted. One minute, you'd be yelling at each other, the next minute, it was like you were married or something like that."
Married…
"It was that thought, wasn't it? It made you scared. I remember… you never wanted it to get that far. You didn't want her to suffer like that… But you were already too far to stop. You couldn't stop. You couldn't end it like that. And it wasn't going to end. Really… it wasn't going to happen. You could've kept that kind of relationship, despite what you believed."
"It'll never work out."
Kazuma looked up. He had decided to stay the night, and coincidentally, Uo had been planning to as well. He smiled at his student. "What do you mean? Shigure's house is big enough."
"Not like that." Kyo said exasperatedly. "You damn well know what I'm talking about."
"…"
"Yea. You do. You know what's happening. After graduation and all. It's never gonna work."
"You never know, Kyo."
"What do you mean, I never know! I can't keep this up, Master! This… it's not right. I can't make her stay with me… I can't be with her. It's not…" Kyo stopped, momentarily out of words.
"Kyo, it is perfectly fine."
"No, it's not! I- I can't be with her anymore. I can't take this anymore. All this pain, all this guilt- it shouldn't have to affect her! She has nothing to do with this! I just want her to live her life without worrying about me anymore!"
"Do you really think you would save her any pain by breaking up with her?"
Kyo looked away. "…"
"…Kyo, you know I only want what's best for you. So please, consider this. Just… live life as fully as you can. Try to stop worrying about the future so much. You don't know what will happen. Just be as happy as you can now… worry about graduation later. Make yourself happy. That's the only way that Arisa will ever be happy."
"Arisa loved you for who you were. It didn't matter to her. You showed her the original form of the cat… and she still didn't back down. It just made her love you more. She didn't even hesitate like Tohru did… she just went after you without thinking. It was her heart speaking to her, not her eyes or her nose. It was her heart which told her you were still Kyo under that appearance, not a monster. She knew the real you. She didn't have to love your other form, she accepted you for who you were. She loved you more than anyone, Kyo."
"You didn't have to be afraid of what would happen, don't you see? Even if you had to be locked away after graduation, it wouldn't have mattered to her! She'd have been hurt, she'd be angry, but she'd still love you! She just wanted to be together with you… that's all she wanted."
Kazuma stopped.
"I hate…"
"Yes?" Kazuma waited for Kyo to continue.
"I hate being… a burden. I hate it when… people say bad things… because of me. I don't want… I don't want… anyone to be hurt…"
"No, Kyo… you weren't a burden. I wanted you… to be happier… than anyone else. I had to put up with insults… people who wouldn't understand… but it was worth it. You told me, 'Someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own, without hurting anyone, and without being a burden.' Kyo, you can't stand and walk on your own. You can run on your own. You can fly on your own, without anyone there to help you. But we'll be there, flying with you, so you'll never be alone."
"You don't have to live trying not to hurt anyone. You've hurt more people than you can imagine, by leaving us here. When you flew off by yourself, and never came back, you hurt all of us…" a tear slid down his cheek. "…but it's ok that it hurts. If it didn't hurt… then… we wouldn't love you. So… I'm glad that I was able… to take you in. I'm glad that... I've been hurt by you. I'm glad... that I can love you. That all of us can love you…" Kazuma smiled sadly, his tears falling to the ground, mixing with the raindrops.
Was it really worth it…?
Was it worth taking in that little boy? Watching him grow up, showing him how to live, how to fight, how to be his own person? Was it worth watching him smile and laugh and cry? Living with him everyday when he was young and training him three times a week when he was older? Helping him through those times when he didn't even know he needed help? Watching him fall in love, watching him suffer, watching him tear himself to pieces, and not doing anything about it? In the end… was it all worth it? Was it worth saving that little boy?
"Someday, I'll be the kind of guy who's worthy of calling you my dad!"
Yes… of course it was. Of course it was. If there was a choice… if he'd known this would happen…
…he wouldn't change anything. Not for the world. It was worth it… it was worth more than anything.
"I'm proud of you… son."
I'll always be proud… to be able to hold my head high and say…
I am Kyo Sohma's father.
Kagura stopped in front of her ex-fiancé's gravestone. She laughed bitterly at this thought. They'd never actually been engaged in the first place, had they? Not mutually, at least. She loved him, but he didn't feel the same. That was ok. But it was the fact that he would never, ever, ever, ever be her fiancé again, even in a million years, that created her mixed feelings, because… he was dead.
She placed her flowers next to Tohru's orange ones. Hers were all different colors. They represented the different symbols… sincerity, harmony, peace, power, and so on. Kagura had made sure they were all elements which had been present in their relationship. She just wanted him to remember how life was. She never wanted him to forget… never forget.
The raindrops trickled off the rounded surface of her umbrella. "Ka-choo!" she sneezed. The weather hadn't exactly been perfect since… since…
Kagura brushed her sleeve across her eyes. No, she wasn't going to cry, not yet, at least. She had to talk to him first. She had so many things to tell him. She had to let him know, before she started crying, before the words would flow away in her tears.
"I love you, Kyo-kun."
"I love you so much, more than you could ever know. It's ok that you don't love me like that… and I've learned to accept it. I don't think it's like that anymore for me, either. I love you like a brother. More than anything else, I want to be able to say I am your big sister, not your fiancée."
"Whatever you think, Kyo-kun, I'm the only one who loves you this much. I think I'm the only one for you! Don't you think so too?"
Kagura smiled at her memory. That seemed like so long ago… so much had changed. "That's right. I used to think… I was the only one. I thought I would be the only one who could understand your pain, who could accept you, who would love you with all of their heart. I guess I was wrong. I guess you really didn't think so. The person who really was the one for you… was Arisa Uotani."
"I never thought you'd find someone other than Tohru-chan or me. I always thought we would be the only ones. I never thought you'd find someone like Uo-chan."
"Kyooooooooo-kun! Daaaarling!"
Kyo looked back out the door. "Damn." He muttered, realizing Uo was with him. He grabbed the Yankee's hand and pulled her with him as he ran. "Come on come on we have to hide right NOW!"
"?" Uo glanced from Kyo to the door as she ran beside him. "Why?"
"KYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!" Kagura stopped flying in mid-air and landed on the ground. "KYO!"
"Craaap." Kyo groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead.
"?" Uo was still confused.
Kagura's eyes glowed as she towered over Kyo. "Kyooooo! Why are you holding hands with this girl!"
Kyo's eyes darted from Kagura to his hand, then quickly pulled out of Uo's grasp and looked away. "I, uh, d-don't know what you're talking about!"
"Kyooooooo-kuuuuun….." Kagura sang threateningly.
"…" Kyo shot Uo a what-the-hell-are-you-doing-get-me-out-of-this look.
Uo raised an eyebrow and smirked. "No way, Kyon, you're on your own."
"What! You can't do that!" Kyo said angrily. "What kind of girlfriend are you-" he stopped, his eyes widening in horror, as he realized what he had just said.
"WHAAAAaaa…" Kagura lost her fire as she dropped to the ground. "G…girlfriend!"
"Uh…no! I mean yea! I mean…" Kyo started to panic as Kagura began to cry. "No wait I can explain!"
"Don't hurt yourself trying, Kyon." Uo said, rolling her eyes. "Yea, I'm his girlfriend. Who are you?"
Kagura immediately stopped crying and stood up, glaring at Uo. "I'm his fiancée! We're going to get married!"
"I ALREADY SAID NO!"
"Oh, really. Married, huh, Kyon?" Uo looked questioningly at Kyo.
"Dammit! I'm sorry Kagura, but- she's my girlfriend!"
Kagura stared at him. "Why?" she whispered.
Then she punched him.
"I hated her. I hated her the moment I saw her, the moment I saw her with you. I didn't want anyone to steal you away from me! And she was exactly the person to do that. So I hated her with every part of my heart."
"I know you two had some painful times and everything… but no one… no one! No one considered how I felt when I lost you to her! No one even wondered if I hurt inside or not! Just… just because I was a bit violent towards you sometimes… everyone thought I was strong enough to stand it. They all probably thought I had it coming. I think that hurt the most. The fact that I wasn't looked at as equally as anyone else when it came to you. It hurt so much to know no one cared about how I felt, how lonely I was. So I hated her! I hated her! I hated her for taking everything away from me!"
"I thought about getting revenge on her. I wanted to get rid of her somehow. I stalked you two sometimes so I could learn her weaknesses." Kagura smiled at these memories. Those good old times. "But… as I watched you grow happier and happier, my feelings started to disappear. I guess I realized it was for the best. I mean, that I let you go."
"You really didn't think of me that way… I guess now that I look at it, you'd never have ended up with me in the end, would you? It would never have been me… so now I'm glad that you met her. At least you got a chance to be truly happy. At least you got a chance to be with the one for you. So… I don't hate her anymore."
"No… I stopped hating Uo-chan a long time ago. I got to know her, too, and she wasn't that bad. She was a good person. I started to see… how you would've gone with her. I stopped hating her back when I realized it was better this way, back when you helped me understand."
"Hey, Kagura…"Kyo said nervously. It had been a couple months after Kagura had found out about Kyo and Uo. Kagura hadn't officially come over to see them ever since, and Kyo wanted to set things straight. He had finally recovered from that beating she gave him.
"What do you want?" Kagura said angrily. She still hadn't gotten over it.
Kyo sighed. "I… I just… I just wanted to say… I'm sorry."
Kagura laughed bitterly. Of course he wasn't going to tell her he actually loved her, and not that gangster girl. "What does it matter?"
"You know what?" Kyo burst out. "I just wanted to say that I do love you. But not in that way. Not in the way that we're going to get married. I love you as a friend. Seriously. You're a really important friend to me, and I don't want to lose your friendship. I know I sound stupid right now, but…" Kyo stopped as Kagura started crying. "H-hey! Don't start crying!"
Kagura sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm just…"
"…"
"…so HAPPY!" Kagura leaped up and hugged Kyo tightly, choking him half to death. "I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU TOO! LET'S BE FRIENDS FOREVER!" The tears streamed down her face like rivers of joy.
Kyo turned blue and hoped he wouldn't regret this later.
"You told me you just wanted to be friends, and that was all right. As long as you didn't hate me or anything. I don't think I could've stood it if you hated me back then. You're so important to me, Kyo-kun… more important than you could ever know. You're so important to so many people. I remember this one time, you asked me, 'Why? Why do you care so much about me anyway? Normally… normally people would avoid me, keep their distance…'"
"I guess you had a reason to think that way. You were born the cat, the outcast of the zodiac. I guess you would think everyone avoided you. But that's not true… it's the fact that you thought no one would accept you that kept you away from others."
"Kyo-kun… you were the one who pushed everyone away. It's you who avoids people, and keeps your distance. Don't you see? Everyone naturally drifts toward you. People like you for who you are, not what you are. A lot of them don't care that you're the cat… they like you because you're Kyo-kun."
"I know I didn't make it any easier. That time… when I ran away. Words can't ever, ever describe how badly, how sorry, how horrible I feel about that. I ran away because I… was scared. I couldn't help it. And I know… I know that it hurt you. Especially when I told you that I loved you. It just reminded you of your mom, didn't it?"
"All I ever did was say 'I love you, I love you' over and over again. But Kyo-kun, I'm not your mom. I love you for who you are. I accept the fact that you have an ugly side to you, and I won't deny it."
"I used to wonder, what does Uo-chan have that I don't have? Why did it have to be her and not me?" Kagura paused as she noticed rain dripping down the top of the gravestone. She bent down carefully to adjust the umbrella, which had slipped somewhat from where Tohru had placed it. She continued as she fixed the umbrella. "What was so special about Uo-chan? We were so even. I knew you for so much longer… why was it her?"
Kagura stood up, smiling as she checked with satisfaction that the umbrella now effectively sheltered the gravestone. "I think it was… her ability to love you, but also understand you. She was like your best friend, someone you could trust, someone you could always depend on. She accepted you. She loved you. She protected you."
"And yet, she wasn't like Tohru-chan. When you were around her, you didn't feel like you were being held down, did you? She let you fly as high as you wanted. And you felt comfortable around her. It wasn't like Tohru, where you were afraid that she would fall over or shatter at a simple touch or insult. Uo-chan was strong. She gave you back whatever you gave her, sometimes more. She was strong without being so overly aggressive… like I guess I was."
"I just wanted to protect you, to make sure you never got hurt again. Was the leash I kept you on too tight? Did you want to escape so badly?" Kagura's voice cracked a bit, her hand tightening around the bottom of her umbrella.
"Well, I'm glad you got a chance to be free. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. There were so many times, so much more than I can count, when you got hurt and I couldn't protect you. I tried, as your friend, but it just wouldn't work. She was the one who caused you pain; she was the only one who could protect you. Through all my effort, I only ended up hurting myself…"
"And now, you… you've hurt everyone. Everyone who's ever known you. Kyo-kun… you've hurt us all. Can… can you see our pain? Can you see what we go through every day, trying to deal with the fact that you're not here anymore!" Kagura cried out, the tears wandering down her face. "Why don't you just come back! Wake me up, wake us all up, tell me it's all just a dream! I'll wake up someday, and you'll still be here! I don't care if you're with her, I don't care if you're locked up somewhere, I just want you to be here!"
She couldn't talk now without tasting her tears, so she stopped, letting herself fall to her knees, the umbrella sliding out of her hand to the ground.
Why?
Why… Kyo?
The graveyard echoed her quiet sobs, magnifying them, chorusing them until it sounded like the world was crying for Kyo. The rain fell harder, crying harder, crying for the lost soul which never should've been lost.
"Kyo-kuuuuun!"
Kyo didn't even bother to turn around; it could only be Kagura who would barge into his room without asking, especially at a time like this. All he wanted was to be alone. Was that so hard for her to understand? God! "What do you want!" he snapped angrily.
Kagura smiled faintly. Kyo was exactly how she thought he would be, sitting against the wall, staring out the window into the darkness, without any lights or anything. She knew he was going through a tough time, always wanting to be by himself, always alone… but he just… he just needed some company sometimes. "I just wanted to see you! Is that so wrong?"
"Maybe it is."
Kagura sighed and went into the room uninvited, sliding the door shut behind her.
"Why are you coming in?" Kyo's voice took on an annoyed tone.
"Why not?"
"Leave me alone."
Kagura sat down in front of Kyo, knowing it would make him uncomfortable. He tried his hardest to avoid her gaze. "I mean it! Get the hell outta here!"
"Kyo-kun? I think… I think you need to stop hiding. You… you need to look at things positively again. Stop bottling up your feelings… it only makes it worse…"
"Shut up! No one understands! You can't understand!"
Kagura laughed bitterly. "Of course I understand. You of all people should know that."
"…" Kyo didn't know how to answer.
"You're not the only one who feels pain, Kyo-kun. Don't you think she feels pain too?"
Kyo growled. "She… she's the one who broke up with me, so why would she be hurt!" There, it was finally out, he finally said it. After a month and a half, he'd finally said it. All that time, it didn't seem real, like it was just a dream, like he'd wake up one day and they'd still be together. But no, they were broken up, over.
"You know…" Kagura played with a loose strand of one of the floor mats. "You and Uo-chan… it's so strange. You both love each other so much… but… you're both so stubborn that when you get into a fight, neither one wants to say sorry… even though you might not have meant what you said… and I think that's how Uo-chan feels. I don't think she wanted to break up with you. It was just another fight…"
"Yea right." Kyo mumbled. "If that was true, then she'd come back by now."
Kagura laughed. "See, see, that's what I mean! You always think the other one's going to come back eventually! It ends up being a stalemate, and you can't get anywhere in the end!"
"It's not funny." Kyo put a hand to his head. "It was her choice. It's what she wanted." That weird feeling, that damned feeling, where there was an itching in his chest and a stubborn burning in his eyes, it was coming back again. Dammit! "It's her choice… if she needs me or not. It doesn't… it doesn't… matter."
Kagura couldn't help but smile. Kyo had always been bad at lying.
"I mean-" Kyo continued, the words coming out automatically, before he could even think to stop talking, "it never would have mattered anyway. We- me and her- we'd never be together anyway. It had to end sooner or later… one way or another…" Kyo brought his other hand to his face, trying to hide, trying to withdraw, trying to block out the light, blocking out all his memories, blocking out everything. "It never would have worked out… I'd never be with her in the end. I can't help her. I can't do anything for her- I can't love her- I can't make this any better- I can't- I never wanted- I never wanted this to happen- I never wanted to hurt her- I never- no- I didn't ask for her to love me- I didn't want her to get hurt- I didn't- I never wanted-" Kyo gasped, the tears coming out unwillingly. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter than they already were, trying to make that damned stubborn fluid go away, trying to stop tasting salt, but it wouldn't stop. That stupid aching in his heart, that annoying whirling in his head, none of it would go away.
Kagura got up and hugged him gently, resting her head on his shoulder. "It's ok, Kyo-kun…" Tears started to well up in her eyes as well. This close up to him, she could feel the dull throb of his heart, the pain that encircled his soul.
Kyo didn't try to push her away. He didn't have enough strength to do anything now, except cry. "I never wanted- I never wanted her to love me-" he managed to choke out. "I knew- I knew she'd get hurt- I wanted to save her- I didn't want that for anyone- I didn't want to be a burden for anyone- not Tohru- not you- not her-" his emotions crashed down upon him, washing away his words and splashing his face with more tears.
Kagura let him cry. This is what he needed, just to let all his emotions out, just to know that someone was there for him. When she'd found out Kyo loved another girl, she'd been the same way too. She'd locked herself up in her room, cursing the day she was born, not letting anyone near her. But she'd realized that it was hopeless. And Kyo helped her realize that. So now she wanted to be there for Kyo.
When Kyo's crying started to die down a bit, Kagura finally spoke. "Kyo-kun… there's still time before graduation. I think what would hurt Uo-chan most is not being with you now. Like, the fact that you could be together, but you're not. After graduation… I know you don't have a choice. So just make the most of it now… she wants you back… who wouldn't? No matter how much it hurts her… I know she'd never want to take it all back. I mean… you hurt me… but I don't regret loving you. I think it just made me stronger. I'm glad we had those memories… so don't… don't regret anything… don't waste the time you have, Kyo-kun…"
What memories? Kyo wondered. Most of his life, he'd treated Kagura like she wasn't worth his time.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
"What?" Kagura said.
"I said… I'm sorry, Kagura." Kyo repeated, a little louder.
"What? I can't hear you." She said innocently.
"I SAID…" Kyo got up angrily, forcing her to stand up. "…I'm SORRY!"
Kagura laughed and hugged him. "I know. I heard you the first time."
Kyo growled angrily. What a strange girl. But still…
"…thanks."
All she wanted was to see his face again! It didn't matter if he was mad at her. It didn't matter if he hated her. She just wanted to see him happy again! This wasn't supposed to happen! This never should've happened! Not Kyo! Why Kyo!
But crying wouldn't bring Kyo back. Nothing would ever bring Kyo back. But as long as she remembered… Kagura stood up.
As long as she believed…
He'd still be alive, inside all of them. So…
"Kyo-kun…"
...she'd say goodbye.
"…Rest in peace. I hope that you're happy up there. Remember… don't keep everything inside. It's ok to cry… Remember… that we love you."
"Bye, Kyo-kun…"
Kagura walked away from her first love again. But that was ok… because… he'd still live on. Somehow… somewhere…
A black car pulled up to the curb and rolled to a stop. "You will wait here. I won't take long." The voice commanded, a voice of contempt and condescendence. The driver mumbled a reply.
The owner of the voice stepped out of the car. He was skinny, wearing a kimono, with dark hair and eyes that seemed to follow you wherever you went, with the kind of cool air that gave you chills as you walked by. He took his time walking along casually to his destination. The rain didn't affect him at all. The gloomy skies seemed to pale next to him.
"And so we meet again."
The man stopped. He looked so young, but his eyes showed he had endured more pain, watched and caused more suffering than any aged old man.
"You monster."
His voice like venom, causing anyone who heard it to flinch, instilling a sense of fear into those around him.
"I'm glad you're dead. This world will be a much more… pleasant place without you. It will be less revolting everyday, knowing I will not have to see you."
"You're so disgusting."
"Think of all the pain you have caused everyone." He smiled a cold smile. "It saves me a lot of time. I regret not being able to make you die. I wanted to kill you."
His fists clenched suddenly. His eyes widened as his calm voice suddenly elevated to a wild scream. "Why the hell did you DIE! I wanted to KILL you! I wanted to be the one who would make you SUFFER! Who told you you could DIE! You didn't have permission to die! I never gave you any permission to die! You can't be dead, you hear me! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE!"
His chest heaving with rage, he pointed a shaking finger at the gravestone. "YOU HEAR ME! YOU'RE DISGUSTING! I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE DISGUSTING! NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU HEAR ME? YOU CAN'T DIE! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU!"
His anger bounded all around the graveyard. A lot of wandering souls must have been scared back into oblivion. The rain pounded down harder on his skin, trying to wash away his anger.
"You- you weren't supposed to die!" He wasn't screaming anymore, though his voice was still angry, still hateful. It didn't matter how much he yelled or threatened. The plain truth was still there, in front of his glaring eyes: the gravestone still read "Kyo Sohma".
"It's disgusting."
"It's all your fault, Kyo!"
"No one will ever love you!"
"You're a monster!"
"Don't ever try to be friends with Yuki! He's the reason you're like this!"
"Your life is so meaningless! The world would be a better place without you!"
"You're worthless Kyo, you know that! You're worthless! No one will ever want you!"
"They're all lying, can't you see? No one is really your friend! They all hate you!"
"You're the cat! You're disgusting! You're a monster!"
All the insults, all the torments, all of Kyo's cries of pain, they all came back and echoed inside his head. "Go away!" he screamed. But they wouldn't. They kept reminding him and reminding him.
"You didn't know…" he gasped out."You didn't know…"
He smiled maliciously as he surveyed the two bowed before him. One orange head, one blond. One male, one female. Both 'in love' with the other. Both 'happy'. It made him sick.
"Well, Kyo Sohma, what do we have here?"
Kyo's fists trembled angrily from where they rested in his lap. His hair, hanging over his bowed head, hid the expression of anger and terror mixed into one in his eyes, his teeth gritted. He didn't answer.
"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?" he laughed, sending chills up Uo's spine.
"So, you think you can have a little fun behind my back? You know that's not allowed. Don't you remember? You're disgusting. No one will ever love you."
"You have no future, you monster. You think you can be 'happy'? I won't let you. You don't deserve it! I won't allow you to have this little… entertainment… with this girl-" He stopped as Kyo stood up abruptly and strode across the room towards him.
He glared angrily at the cat. "Did I tell you you could get up!"
Kyo grabbed him by his collar, knowing he'd pay for it later, but not caring. "Listen to me, you-" he growled angrily. "This girl- Arisa Uotani- is NOT just some entertainment! She's not a little fun, she's not a slut or something, she's not just another girl! She- Uo- is more than I could ever ask for! You always told me no one would EVER love me, but- I mean, even if that's true- it doesn't matter! All that matters is that she cares enough about me, and that's all I need! Even if she or anyone else would never love me, you can't stop me from loving HER! I don't care what you say, dammit! I don't need you bossing me around anymore! You can't tell me, or anyone else, who not to love and who not to be loved by! I won't listen to you! You can't stop me from loving her!"
Uo got up as well, and walked over to Kyo. "He's right." she said softly, but her eyes glared with spite at this man in front of them. "You ARE wrong. Anyone can love Kyo. A lot of people love Kyo….I love Kyo. You're wrong." She took Kyo's trembling hand in hers calmly, causing him to relax and drop the dark-haired man.
He stepped back and pointed at them, shaking with anger. "Get them out! I want them OUT! I DON'T WANT THEM IN HERE! OUT! OUT!" His voice grew hoarse with shouting.
Kyo walked out, still holding hands with Uo. He stopped in the doorway, looking back at the man. How funny he looked now, how pitiful. This was the man who had tortured him all his life, who he knew still ruled his life, who would eventually find a way to stop his happiness. Kyo opened his mouth as if to speak, but instead turned around and left, Uo close behind him.
"You don't know-" he gasped. "That time- I saw- I realized-"
"I realized- I realized how stupid you were, risking your life for some girl, just because you loved her- you knew you would feel my wrath- you knew- and yet- you still defied me-"
"So I- I made my decision-"
His fingers dug deep into his palm, his nails causing his flesh to rip. He had to say it. When it eventually did come out, it was just a low mumble.
"You were never going to be locked up."
He took a deep breath. It was out now, he should leave now, but he felt he had to say more.
"Don't you realize it! You were never going to be locked up after graduation! You had… you had a future! I wanted to give you a future! I wanted to see what would happen, when someone so foolishly in love had a future- you weren't supposed to die!" He sounded almost helpless.
"You were never supposed to die! You were going to have a future! You weren't supposed to DIE!" he screamed out, letting the whole world know. "Kyo, you're still supposed to be ALIVE!"
As he stood there, gasping for air, breathing hard, weak and fragile from sickness, he didn't know how it happened. And by the time it had happened, it was too late for him to stop it.
He cried.
He cried for Kyo Sohma.
A single tear made its way through all the raindrops and fell onto the gravestone, before he could wipe his face. Was it his imagination, or was the tear not being absorbed by the stone as quickly as the other raindrops?
He stood staring at the gravestone a while longer, unbelieving. Finally he found his voice. "…I hate you!" he yelled angrily. "I'm glad you're dead!" And with those words, he spun around and ran away.
But he didn't really mean it.
He calmed down before he was in sight of the car, and managed to walk casually the rest of the way. He opened the door and got in. "Leave now." He commanded, the familiar, unpleasant tone back in his voice.
The driver obeyed, as always.
"Yes, Akito-san."
Hana stood in front of the gravestone. It was remarkably ordinary and plain, not standing out at all among all the other gravestones in the wide field, but with all the flowers, umbrellas, books, and other things that people had left, it felt so… so…
…so much like Kyo.
Hana set down her own flowers- black, of course. She couldn't think of anything else. As she bent down, her mind detected some waves emanating from his grave. Strange- they were so strong, so uncommon among dead people.
"Living humans are the strongest… the dead do give off waves… but they are very weak… they're drowned out by the strength of the thoughts of the living…"
And these waves were so clear. They crowded all the other weaker waves out, until it seemed like the only waves Hana could detect were Kyo's.
Were they truly Kyo's waves? Was Kyo truly feeling like this? This sadness, this regret, this chaos, this inferiority, this helplessness, this overpowering pain?
"Are you still hurting, Kyo Sohma? Does it still hurt, even though you can't feel physical pain anymore? What is it… the pain of the truck crashing into you, or the pain of your soul?" It was just a metaphorical question, just a question she was asking herself.
But the waves changed.
Hana almost stepped back. Was that… was she dreaming? Did his waves change just now? Was he still there? She'd heard of this happening before, but never actually dreamed of experiencing it. This… this other way of communicating with the spirits.
"Kyo…? Are you there?"
And she felt it. She felt him withdraw, almost afraid, lost. He didn't know how to react either, to someone who could see- no, feel- his presence. Then there was a little relief, like he could finally talk to someone he knew. And still, the everlasting pain, the huge wave that lurked behind all the others, the monster which threatened to swallow him up- if it wasn't already too late.
Hana allowed herself a smile. Kyo had always been mysterious in a different way, almost more than Yuki. Even though he never could seem to keep a straight face, and was so easy to read, always unable to control his emotions, there was always something about him… something she could never understand. It was so muddled, so chaotic, she couldn't figure him out. And so he remained a mystery. She liked it like that, it proved amusing to her. This mystery was present in all of the Sohmas, but mostly Kyo and Haru. Ah yes, Haru. But she'd think about that later.
"So… Kyo…" Hana couldn't really think of anything to say. She'd never been one to start a conversation, never mind one with a spirit. She hadn't even known Kyo that well either, just that he was in chaos most of the time. What do you say to a dead friend, anyway? They should have guides to these kinds of things. "…what's being dead feel like?"
The instant the words left her mouth, she regretted them. Curse her mind for letting down her defenses again! She hated it when she talked without knowing it. It meant she still had limited control over herself.
Kyo's denpa became cold, even mocking. She couldn't tell what he was saying, if he was trying to say anything, but she could almost feel him laugh angrily. She should have known better, being dead couldn't be fun for him. Not with the people he left behind.
"I wonder… you must be wishing you were alive again. For all the times you've wished you were dead… you must want to be alive now, more than anything else."
"It's… it's Uo, isn't it? I don't know how you left. I mean… I know you died in a vehicle accident. I don't know how you left her. You hanging around here, with such a huge denpa of regret and pain… I'm guessing you left in the wrong way, didn't you? There must be so much you want to take back… so much you want to say… so much you still want to do…"
Hana was hit with a lot of denpa, strong and aggressive. She raised her eyebrows. "Sorry, I can't hear what you're saying. I can't tell her anything for you." The waves hesitated, then retreated sadly.
Hana was silent for a while. It was so strange, trying to talk to someone who she knew was there. If she was just a normal human, not one who could detect denpa, then maybe she could talk to him, like everyone else could. It was so confusing and almost pointless. She wouldn't come away knowing anymore or any less… or would she?
But he was growing impatient, she could tell. Like he knew she wanted to say something, but she wasn't saying it. So… fine, then. She'd speak.
"Do you think… do you think I could have stopped it?"
"Haru."
Her boyfriend looked up and grinned. "Hey, Hana, what's up?" Normally, she'd smile back, trying to memorize the face of this mysterious boy she was so entranced by, but now she frowned.
"Something is wrong."
He touched her hand slightly and tugged her towards him. "When isn't something wrong, huh?"
She stepped forward to avoid falling on top of him. The last thing she needed now was a cow holding her hand. She almost laughed at this thought, and briefly wondered what it would be like if she really did hug him right now, but her headache reminded her of the reason she came to see him in the first place. "Not with you. It's with… it's Kyo, and Uotani as well. It's both of them. Something's wrong. Their denpa's off
Haru lifted an eyebrow. "Their denpa's always off, isn't it? You always say that. Maybe you're just picking up his curse again."
Hana shook her head. She'd felt the Sohma curse enough times to know that that wasn't the case this time. "From both of them? Uotani doesn't have a curse."
"Come on, Hana, don't worry about it too much. Maybe they're fighting again." He pulled on her hand again.
Hana sighed. He had a point. As far as she could remember, from the moment they first met, all Kyo and Uo ever did was fight. "Right, Haru."
But she couldn't shake that nagging feeling. Kyo and Uotani's fights never felt like this. This felt like… like something horrible was going to happen.
Out of the corner of her eye, she briefly glanced at the clock.
It was 6:00 PM on January 15.
If she had known… if she had only known, that in six minutes, a truck would crash into Kyo, the truck that would end his life…
"Would it have made a difference?"
Hana's eyes narrowed, her mind tingling with all the denpa she was feeling. So much confusion… so much chaos… were these Kyo's feelings?
Or were they her own?
Yes, but there Kyo's denpa was, the light shining through the clouds. So soothing, so comforting, drowning away the chaos-
Now she understood. He was trying to tell her.
"No, it wouldn't have made a difference."
"No, it wouldn't have… I can't stop fate. I can't stop what must happen from happening…" Hana sighed, relieved at this salvation from her torment. But her feelings… she still felt so dark. "I just… I just wish… that this didn't have to happen…"
It was so strange. Talking to a dead person. But it wasn't just that he was dead. She mourned his death. She felt his absence. It affected her. She'd lost a friend.
It was so long ago… such a long time ago. She'd always been different from others, always having these special powers. They'd always made fun of her behind her back, but never approached her because they were too scared. Her… uniqueness, as she thought of it, made her an outcast. She was shunned for being herself. It's not like she had any control over it… it was just who she was. It wasn't her fault she had these powers. She never wanted to be dark and scary. It's possible to be psychic and still not be gothic, isn't it? She never intended to be a 'goth', as others would call her. She still wasn't. She was just Saki Hanajima.
And that one boy. He'd always been so innocent… being friends with everyone, no matter who they were. It didn't matter if they were girls or boys… it was back then, when they were too young to know the difference. Even so, the other children on the playground noticed her strangeness, and stayed away from her.
Except for him.
When all the other children would leave the swings when she approached them. When she sat on the swings all by herself, swinging her small little legs back and forth. When she watched all the other children laughing and playing, not even thinking about her. Not even caring that she was alone. He came over.
He came over and talked to her. He showed her how to have fun, how to be having fun with other people. He showed her the light in the darkness and all the right in a world that seemed so wrong. He showed her what a real friend was like, not the ones that pretended to be your friends and then ran away laughing after they'd made fun of you. He showed her how it felt to be happy around other people. He showed her how to really live in a world like this. He was her first friend. And she was happy.
And then he died.
They said it was an accident. Such a tragic accident. A boy so young, whose life had hardly even started. Never should have died. He just wanted to help, they said. Saw someone getting picked on by a gang. Tried to stand up for the person. Didn't want anyone to get hurt. If they heard right, then the gang just laughed and threw the kid against a wall. The impact killed him. The gang was arrested. But the little boy died. What a sad story, eh? Tell your kids, the moms whispered to each other, watch out for those guys on the corners of the streets.
But they didn't know.
They didn't know how special that boy was. If there were just more of people like him, just a couple more, oh, then what a wonderful place the world would be. So many more people would be happy. So many more people could have felt like her, back on the playground, with her first friend ever, laughing without caring about how strange she was. But he had to die.
And, maybe the worst part was, she knew. She wanted to tell him that morning, don't leave. Please don't leave. Come play with me some more. Tell that joke again. Push me higher on the swing. Build that really cool sand castle again. Show me your new toy. Tell me about the airplanes, the flowers, the plants, everything you know. Don't leave.
But he left. And he died.
It wasn't her fault. She was too small to know. She couldn't have stopped it. But it still killed her inside. That part of her remained hollow. So she decided, maybe having friends was too much pain. All they gave you in the end was pain. So she grew up not having any real friends. It's not like she tried to avoid anyone. She just didn't try to have any friends. All it was was pain.
So why Tohru?
Was it because she was just like that boy? That first friend she'd ever had?
All she'd hoped, in the back of her mind, was that Tohru wouldn't die someday. Maybe, things would be different this time. Maybe, no one would die this time. She'd know better- she was older, more in tune with her powers. Without knowing it, she gained more friends- Uotani, Kyo, Yuki, Haru, most of the Sohmas that she met. It was easy, it was ok, she thought, she was happy again. Life had meaning. School wasn't just about freaking the heck out of those fangirls or having more teachers edge away from you slowly- it was about seeing your friends.
And now Kyo was dead.
A tear slipped out of Hana's eyes. She didn't bother to wipe it away. Why would she hide her feelings now? It was pointless.
But…
"But… it's OK." Hana said loudly, a little confidently, a little unlike herself. "This time… this time I won't make the same mistake."
Kyo questioned her; he was confused. Hana laughed.
"This time… I won't hide. Even if I could… I wouldn't take any of this back. Meeting Tohru and Uotani, meeting all of the Sohmas, meeting that little boy… it's ok. All those times that made me feel like I was just another girl… like I wasn't different… no, I wouldn't take it back. It's worth getting hurt once in a while… just to be able to have those times. And this time… I will still have friends. People I care about. People I'll cry about. It's… ok."
And she felt at peace.
Of course, Kyo didn't. His waves were all awkward and such, like he didn't know how to react. Yes, that was the Kyo she knew. She smiled.
"Rest in peace, Kyo. I'm glad I was able to call you a friend." She turned around, her black cape hovering around her as she walked down the path.
Maybe Kyo would meet that little boy in heaven. Maybe, they'd be friends, too. And then Kyo wouldn't be so lonely.
Maybe one day, she'd see that little boy again, too.
And then, maybe, she could finally tell him, "Thank you."
How was it? Please review your honest opinion. It helps. Really. XD I know it was kinda OOC in some places… and the Hana part was especially hard to write… I came up with her past so randomly. It's kinda odd, but I felt like I needed something to write about her… It was hard writing these past few chapters because I felt like I was repeating myself.
If you have any ideas of any scenes you'd like to see between Kyo and Uo, please tell me. I need more ideas.
MoonliteMistress: Thank you very much! Sorry it took so long to update.
Darkheart Wolf of Fire: Thank you...? (Yea I know, I'd be mad if I were a reader too T-T It's all in the crazy part of being an author sometimes...) And of course, there's more chapters. There's a lot more chapters. Just takes a long time. Hi Suki XD
Ariyana: Thanks for reviewing to all my chapters so far! (All that matters is that you review, even if it's late...) As you can see, I put both Kagura and Hana into this chapter! Hopefully it wasn't TOO long... Tell me if anything's OOC. I trust your opinion XD
Arisa-san: Hey! UPDATE YOUR STORY! XD Thanks for reviewing. Keep writing.
Dark-Dreams-69: Thanks for reviewing! I updated my story (finally), now UPDATE YOURS! I hate how you keep leaving me and your fellow faithful readers justhanging there, waiting and waiting! (No I don't do that, what are you talking about...XD) And of course you're loved.
strwbrrccrmlv: Thanks for reviewing! That makes me feel all happy inside...XD
yyhpunk: thank you, and yes, I'm continuing. XD
Akkitora: If you haven't noticed, I'm veeery slow at updating T-T Thank you for reviewing. One of my worst fears is making the characters OOC... it just makes me feel like I'm disgracing them or something. XD
AllyEver: And I love you too! XD It made me cry the first time I thought up the idea. (Kyo dying and everything... waaah!) Thanks for reviewing!
unheard screams: ...thank you. I'm not even sure if I deserve that much praise. And who said you could read my mind? XD
Yea, I use XD a lot. Anyway, once again, please review! I love replying to this many people XD See you next chapter!