CHAPTER FIVE

When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on
The Corrs - Everybody Hurts

Buffy looked at the mansion uneasily. How many times had she come here to be with Angel? How could she still feel so much pain when she thought about him? How horrible did the things she had done with Spike make her feel at this moment? She half expected Angel to know just by looking at her, as if he could scent the lingering aroma of the betrayal of her heart. Would Angel understand that something had gone wrong when she had been brought back? Spike had left her system by now, like a poison finally counteracted and part of her even felt shame at how she had treated the blond vampire. She had been even more abusive than he. She was beginning to understand how Giles must feel about his past with Ethan and some of the twisted things they and their friends had done. She took it as a sign she was growing up.

The mansion hulked in the night, dark except for the faint glow in one window. Angel's car was nowhere to be seen and she hoped that meant she would be spared having to face him alone. She just wasn't ready to yet and that wasn't why she was here anyhow. Facing Angel could wait, she had other business to attend to.

Buffy went inside only to realize that she hadn't knocked. She was so used to it just being her and Angel here that she had forgotten Cordy, Wesley, Aidan and Ceara were also asleep behind the old building's sturdy walls. She didn't need worry about waking Ceara. The tall woman was on her hands and knees, having rolled back the carpet that Angel had used to hide the "chalk-outline" scorch marks that denoted his reentry into this world. She wondered what the psychic might be sensing.

Ceara's head craned up, most of her high-cheek-boned face shadowed by her swag of hair. She smiled faintly. "Buffy, I've been expecting you."

Buffy's eyes widened a bit, a shiver of nerves racing through her. Facing vampires was one thing. In many ways the heart to heart she intended with Ceara was scarier. "You have?"

"I'd have been disappointed if you didn't show up. I suspect you have a few things you'd like to talk about." Ceara got to her feet and smoothed the khaki shorts she wore. Her green t-shirt bore the words 'Coffin Bay' and Buffy was afraid to ask what that was. Ceara headed for the front door. "Let's go outside so we don't wake everyone up."

Buffy followed her out, feeling control of the situation slipping from her fingers. She hadn't expected Ceara to be so pleasant and eager to talk. She had her little lecture prepared and already she was off track. Buffy could think on her feet for most things. Speech making wasn't one of them. She tended to do it all wrong.

Ceara led them to a stand of eucalyptus that flanked the mansion. She sat down, putting her back to a tree and indicated for Buffy to sit. Buffy did, feeling vaguely uncomfortable. She wasn't what anyone would consider an outdoorsy person yet she spent a lot of time skulking in bushes. She looked at the older woman suddenly not sure what she was going to say. "I know I don't have any right to ask this but I want you to at least talk to Giles again. I know what he did was…"

"I am going to talk to him," Ceara broke in.

"Just hear me out. I can see why you wouldn't….what did you say?" Buffy gave her a puzzled look not expecting it to be this easy.

"I'm meeting Rupert tomorrow at a coffee shop. I promise, I won't break him in half or anything." Ceara made an amused sound and Buffy saw her smile in the poor moonlight filtering through the leaves. "I didn't mean to lose it on him like that but…well let's just say I'm not known for my even temper. I'll do better tomorrow."

"You're talking to Giles…he didn't mention…not that he would, I guess." Buffy pulled a long face. "I just thought, well, he was pretty sure when I spoke to him tonight that you wanted nothing to do with him." Her grimace deepened as she fumbled for words. Giles always made it look easy. She hated being out of the loop and all too often, if it cut too close to Giles' vest, he left her on the outs.

"We spoke at the Bronze just briefly. I asked him to meet with me so we could talk it out like rational adults. Roo is pretty good at that sort of thing," Ceara said, her fingers drumming the soft earth.

"Roo?" Buffy couldn't hold back the giggle. "You call him Roo?"

Ceara laughed as well. "He absolutely hates it, I think, but he lets me call him that. Well, he used to at any rate. I notice you call him Giles. Why? I would have thought after knowing him for so long you would have moved past last names."

"He used to be our librarian at school. I guess we started calling him Giles simply because of that. It wouldn't have been right to call him Rupert. It's like your friends' parents. Even though we're grown now we still call them by their last names. Giles, as much as he loves us, keeps some distance between all of us. To us, he's Giles and that's more than good enough. Besides Rupert is such a…" Buffy trailed off, looking embarrassed.

"Stupid name only an Englishman could love," Ceara supplied, making a face.

Buffy laughed. "Exactly."

"I know. It's not among my favorite names." Ceara grinned again then her face went contemplative. "I used to call him Wahachanka Hanhepi."

"That means something, doesn't it?" Buffy let her head drop back a bit, the warm wind ruffling her blond hair.

"'Night shield.' A lot of the time I'd just shorten it to Wahachanka. For me, it's such a natural word. I know to others it's a big mouthful. And a lot of the time, I'd call him Roo just to watch that cute little face he'd make." Ceara laughed, stretching her long legs out in front of her. " Ever notice he has a sweet smile?"

Buffy smiled then sobered. She took a deep breath and asked, "You really did love him, didn't you?"

"Very much so and I thought he loved me." Ceara shifted, gazing up at the stars that seemed to dance with the leaf canopy. In the pale light Buffy thought Ceara looked a little like the Pre-Raphaelite paintings her mother used to love. "I still think he did."

"He did. He told me…I know it doesn't help but he's really sorry he left you. I know what that's like. Angel left me without saying goodbye either." Buffy looked over her shoulder at the house. Angel's car hadn't returned. "He's not in there, is he?"

Ceara tried to read the younger woman's face in the gloom. Disappointment was etched there tinged with something else, fear perhaps. "He went somewhere, mumbling something about Spike. I hope those two don't end up killing each other. We could use their help against the Moufyng demon."

"Where those two are involved, I make no bets," Buffy said, finding a twig to stab the ground with. Angel couldn't have known she slept with Spike but still a bit of terror blossomed in her. If he found Spike, she didn't doubt that the blond vampire would tell Angel just out of spite. She tried to force it away so she could concentrate on the matter at hand.

"I'm sure you have more to get off your chest, Buffy," Ceara said.

Buffy tossed her head, her hair flipping into her eyes. She felt comfortable enough with Ceara to be totally honest. "It really hurt Giles when you told him that you didn't want him to be a part of Aidan's life."

Ceara wrapped her arms around herself, a little hug against the unpleasant memories. "I know and I don't for the life of me know why I said it. I thought I was over being angry but I'm not obviously. I think it was the shock. Wesley thought Rupert was in England or I would never have brought Aidan here."

Buffy felt that like a knife. Her protective feelings for her Watcher flared. "You really don't want Giles around him, do you?"

Ceara rubbed the bridge of her nose, reminding Buffy very much of Giles. "That's not it. Aidan wants to know his father. I've never tried to make Aidan hate Rupert. I told him the truth, or at least my version of it. His father and I were in love but like a soldier called to war, he had to leave me. He didn't leave in the right way but nonetheless I never doubted he loved me. But if the Council found out about us, Roo could be in danger. If I knew Rupert was here, I would have left Aidan with Fred and Gunn in Los Angeles and prepared them both for the meeting, give Roo time to deal with all of this privately. The way they met…that was my worst nightmare about how it could happen." Ceara's fist pounded into the loam.

Buffy didn't even flinch. She could almost feel the emotion as if it was contagious. "I guess I can understand that. I'm not the best judge of dads. My own…let's just say it was okay for a while but once I became the Slayer things went bad. Mom told me it wasn't my fault he left us. I'd like to believe that. But he's been out of our life for too long. He didn't come back when Mom died." Buffy broke the stick she held. "He didn't even come back when I died. If it wasn't for Giles, I don't know what would have happened to Dawn. I owe him so much for how he took care of her while I was…dead." Buffy's breath caught. She found herself almost wanting to cry. She jumped when Ceara leaned forward, closing a comforting hand over her shoulder. "Giles will make a good father to Aidan. He's more a father to me than my real one, if that makes sense."

Ceara smiled softly, feeling the night breeze kiss her face. "Perfect sense. I feel the same way about Neema, my one-time Watcher. My mother and I have patched things back up but I'm still closer to Neema. She's been with me since I was eight years old. I honestly believe my son thinks of her as his favorite grandmother. He thinks she's cool. And you don't have to tell me how much Giles means to you, Buffy. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. You wouldn't be getting in the middle of this mess unless you loved him."

Buffy nodded her head, her hair flopping into her face again. She brushed it back, irritated. "I do. It hurt when he went back to England after Willow…brought me back. I think I understand why he did it but I still wanted him here."

"I'm sure." Ceara sighed. "I don't know what to think about what happened to you. It's really none of my business so I should just keep my big gob shut. I hate thinking about someone messing with powers needed to do something like this. To me, it's very wrong, and I don't mean to hurt you by saying that. It wasn't your fault you came back and I get the feel from you that you aren't entirely happy to be here. I can't imagine what Rupert must be thinking."

"He went pretty ballistic on Willow." Buffy took a deep breath. "I couldn't even listen. Willow actually threatened him. They weren't even like the people I've known for years."

"I can imagine. I hope she never even thinks to do more than threaten. She'll underestimate him. Rupert's skill with magic is formidable," Ceara warned, the sound of her voice changing, becoming somehow frightening in its seriousness.

"He almost never uses his magic in front of us. He sort of mentioned he didn't know any once but we learned different. We know about the Eyghon thing," Buffy looked at Ceara then said, "Maybe you don't know about that."

Ceara snorted. "I know about Rupert and Ethan's demon-induced orgies with all their little magic groupies. I knew even before I got involved with him. Truth be told, that reckless streak is what attracted me to him back then. I wasn't a very good kid." The seriousness on her face fled and an Angel-like smirk took its place.

Buffy shuddered. "I still can't picture it. I don't want to. Giles and orgies don't go together...ever."

"Everyone was young and stupid once, Buffy. Rupert was exceptionally so and, if your friend keeps up what she's doing, it'll be her turn to be extremely foolish," Ceara said, the seriousness making a quick return.

Buffy wagged her head. "I don't want to think about it."

Ceara didn't remind her that she would have to think about it. "I hope for your sake you won't have to." She pulled the leaves off a eucalyptus sapling and crushed them in her hands. She breathed in deeply. "These remind me of home." She offered the handful to Buffy who sniffed them to be polite. "Scent is a powerful memory jogger. I could see it in Roo's eyes when he caught a whiff of my perfume. I make it myself, rose and lavender oil. Simple really. I've worn that scent for as long as I can remember."

"You just don't...I don't know. You seem more adventurous than Giles," Buffy said.

Ceara laughed. "He used to be adventurous. Under all that tweed, I can still see the leather-clad man I fell for in that pub all those years ago."

"Leather?" Buffy couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice.

"If you don't tell Roo, I'll let you in on a secret." Ceara leaned forward conspiratorially.

"Secret girl, that's me." Buffy crossed her heart, giving Ceara a goofy look.

"He used to dress a lot like your albino vampire."

"Spike?" Buffy sputtered with laughter. "No, can't see it. I refuse to see it."

"Be that as it may, it's true. He was so sweet to me on our first weekend alone even though he was more than a little flustered when he found out I was a virgin."

"Oh! Um, maybe I shouldn't be hearing this." Buffy was glad her blush wasn't visible in the darkness.

Ceara shrugged. "Why not? It's not like you're a kid any more, Buffy and I also don't want you thinking any less of Rupert for what happened between us. I can hear the disappointment in your voice. He knew how young I was but age never seemed to matter to us. I think I came off more….experienced than I was. I had that retro-punk attitude going for me. I wore leather, had the piercings but that was mostly to piss off the stuffed shirts in power like Rupert's father, the insufferable prig, and those who are probably in power now, like Quentin Travers."

Buffy shuddered. "Don't even mention that name to me."

"So he's still a pig then?"

"Cold fish is what I would have said." Buffy thumped a heel down in the loam, scaring a cricket.

"No doubt. Oh, he'd love to learn about Aidan, I'm sure." A snarl rippled through her voice. "Not like he didn't proposition me once or twice himself. As if. At any rate, Rupert always made what time we could steal to be together very special. He's a romantic at heart but he tries to hide it. Granted him being so damn shy makes it easy to hide."

"And then he left," Buffy whispered.

"And then he left. And it hurt so much I thought I was going to die."

Buffy wrapped her arms around herself. "I know…I felt like that with Angel. He was…my first, too."

"Sucks doesn't it. Did he tell you it was for your own good that he left?"

Buffy looked at her imploringly. "Do they all say that?"

Ceara felt her heart bleed a bit for the younger girl. She leaned her head back against the tree trunk. "If they say anything at all, yes I guess they do."

"Riley didn't say anything when he left. I don't know if that was even worse than what Angel did or not." Buffy got up, trying to shake off the memories like the clumps of debris clinging to her jeans. "You really aren't going to hurt Giles, right?"

"I promise, no dropping my coffee in his lap, no beaning him in the head with my scone and no throwing him through the plate glass window no matter how much I might want to, no holding him down and letting the feminists in the coffee shop trample him," Ceara shot back, taking the hand up Buffy offered.

"Guess I can't ask for more." Buffy looked away feeling somehow embarrassed to have heard all this personal stuff. She realized that this was perhaps one of the longest adult conversations she had ever had with another woman. It didn't have the same feel as conversations with her mother had and it was different than the ones she had with Willow. Those still had a hint of girlishness to them regardless of the topic from boys to girls to fashion to how to kill demons. Did she even have conversations as such with Tara and Anya? Buffy wondered briefly what this said about her. She didn't feel like dealing with it tonight so fell back into her most convenient dodge. "I'd better go on patrol."

"No problem. And Buffy, if you want to talk…about anything at all, just let me know. Don't think you have to come half prepared to kick my ass. I'm really not here looking for a fight."

"Good. And I might just do that…talk, I mean, not fight." There was a horrible sadness to Buffy's voice. Ceara didn't know if it had to do with Giles, her own unique situation or something else.

"Please feel free."

Buffy gave her a wide generous smile. "Ceara, I have to know. What is Coffin Bay?"

Ceara looked down at her shirt and the words stretched across her generous breasts. "Coffin Bay National Park. It's lovely. On the Eyre Peninsula in southern Australia."

"Well that's a lot less creepy than what I was thinking. Not sure I want to know how it got its name," Buffy said

"I think it's just the name of the guy who discovered the bay. It's sort of a common last name, Welsh," Ceara said.

"Oh, well, that's not too bad then," Buffy said and headed off into the night.