(A/N: YAY!! REVIEWERS!! And BOO!!! THEY TOOK ONE OF MY STORIES OFF FANFIC!! OH THE HUMANITY!! That would be why I haven't updated in a while. They locked my account for "infractions". Apologizes my friends)
Tidus awoke to the sound of a tidal wave approaching. He blinked, turned around and yelped as a 20 foot wave smashed down on top of him, throwing him off the rock he was on and into the open water. Tidus surfaced and glared at the retreating wave. "OH YEAH?! WELL SAME TO YOU BUDDY!!!" he screamed, shaking his fist at it. Unfortunately, since the tidal wave was an inanimate object, it just continued on its merry way.
Tidus sulked. Now even the WAVES were ignoring him!! Oooooh they'd all pay dearly for ignoring him and calling him a crybaby! Especially that MAN whom he referred to as "The Big Evil Polka-dotted Monster" when in reality it was his father Jecht. Tidus grumbled to himself dejectedly and paused as he finally realized the area around him was unfamiliar. He started hyperventilating as he frantically looked for something familiar.
Even more unfortunate then the tidal wave's muteness, was the fact a giant monster fish lived in the waters. Now, this fish disliked whiny teenage boys with blonde hair who hyperventilated. No one knows why this fish disliked those things but they sure knew not to anger it. Tidus, of course, didn't know these particular facts. So he screamed in terror as the giant fish surfaced and started swimming at him, it's mouth wide open.
Tidus squealed and dove under the water, swimming as fast as he could. This ticked the fish off even more and it gave chase, steadily gaining on the frantic bliztball player. Tidus screamed as the fish nearly caught him, but he quickly dove into a small crevice in which the fish could not follow.
Tidus pointed and laughed at the fish, a hard feat to do under water, but then again, he couldn't drown for some odd reason. The fish roared and the crevice opened large enough for it to squeeze through. Tidus' eyes bulged and he quickly whipped out the sword "The Big Evil Polka-dotted Monster" gave to Auron who in turn gave it to Tidus. Thinking quick he smacked the fish right between the eyes with the blunt end of it. 'Drat. I gotta practice sometime with this thing...' Tidus thought. To his surprise, the fish looked at him mournfully and said in a bubbly voice, "You humans always take things too far! You're FLIPPING INSANE!!!!" It then swam off, crying fish tears. Tidus blinked and said, "What a crybaby..."
A little while later, Tidus found a cavern. If you call running into a stone wall, surfacing while crying and then conveniently smacking his head on the low ceiling "finding". Anyway, as I was saying, Tidus found a cavern. He blinked and looked around and suddenly realized, while it was nice and warm outside, it was freezing inside. As he turned to go back outside, a rock slide happened out of nowhere, leaving him trapped inside. "Why me? Why always me?" he said to no one in particular.
Really really really REALLY far away, Auron stood regarding a store. Maybe this store had crackers! (Unlike the fifty thousand other stores he had all ready visited.) He walked slowly inside, looking around, his eyes glowing hopefully. He quickly spotted the cracker isle and saw... 'ONE BOX LEFT!!!' he thought. Auron ran as fast as he could and attempted to snatch the box, but a blue-haired man (A/N: MWA HA HA GUESS WHO?!) got to it first. Auron's eyes narrowed angrily and he said to said man, "Give me that cracker box if you value your life." The man blinked and stared at Auron, saying in a really pansy-ass voice, "Why dear sir? I do believe I got to it before you." Auron snarled and said, "THAT IS IRRELEVENT! JUST GIVE ME THE BLOODY BOX!!!" The man blinked again and said, "Do you know who you are talking to?" Auron glared at him and said, "YOU COULD BE YEVON HIMSELF BUT I DON'T CARE!!!! I WANT MY CRACKERS DANGGIT!"
The man looked thoroughly offended at this blatant disrespect towards Yevon and said to Auron, "Mind your words! It is unwise to speak such ways to a Maester!" At these words Auron cocked his head to a side and said, "Eh? Maester? You're a Maester?" The man nodded an affirmative and started to walk off. "Maester Seymour right?" Auron ventured, an evil plan forming in his mind. Seymour turned around and said, "Yes, that is who I am." Knowing that he had Seymour's attention for a little while, Auron screamed and yelled, "AHHHH SIN-SPAWN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!" and pointed in a random direction.
Seymour whipped his head around and stared in the direction that Auron pointed, confusion written on his face. Auron wasted no time. He charged at the half-guado and grabbed the cracker box from him. Laughing insanely, he ran off, grabbing the money he needed for the box of crackers while dodging Seymour's spells. He tossed the money at the cashier and ran as fast as he could, escaping with the ultimate prize: A family size box of Cheez-its.
Oblivious to the insanity that occurred moments before, Tidus sat in front of a puny fire he had made. 'Thank goodness I was a Boy Scout, otherwise I might have died here!' Tidus thought, extremely proud of himself, even though he found matches instead of flint...but hey! He actually managed to start a fire without incinerating every surrounding object like he did when he was a Boy Scout. 'And that's how I got my "Incinerated the Scout Master" merit badge!' Tidus thought, smiled contentedly and curled up next to the fire, falling asleep almost instantly. (A/N: Sorry, been watching too much "Fairly Odd Parents" for my own good.)
Tidus suddenly awoke and started shivering. He sat up and blinked as he saw his fire had gone out. "ARRGH!!!!! WHY DOES THIS STUFF KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?" he shouted, kicking his once faithful fire. Immediately, the fire was rekindled, and burnt his shoe and foot in resentment as it flew through the air. Tidus yelped, grabbed his injured foot and jumped around screaming random insults. Sadly, this noise alerted a random passing monster who was seeking its next meal. It crawled stealthily behind Tidus, crouching as it waited for him to come closer. However, it failed to notice the fire that was beneath it and as a result, learned that spontaneous combustion was a very sad way to go.
Tidus stopped jumping around as he heard the fiend squeal in pain and saw it run out of the shadows and begin to run around in very tight circles. He blinked, wondering why the thing wasn't using the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique. Tidus shrugged and decided to watch the show while it lasted and sat down, munching on some Instant Popcorn he had pulled out of his pocket. The fiend suddenly fell to it's side and collapsed into a pile of ashes. Tidus blinked and thought, 'Well...that was...interesting.'
His eyes bulged as he saw people coming. Even though they looked scary beyond all reason, (A/N: "The Emperor's New Groove" anyone?") he jumped up and waved at them. "HELLO!!! CAN YOU HELP ME?! I'M LOST, COLD, AND HUNGRY!! POPCORN ISN'T EXACTLY A FILLING MEAL!!!!!" he shouted. The people stopped, stared at him and blinked. They began to converse amongst themselves, "Ho-way is-yay he-yay?" One asked. Another shrugged and replied, "I-yay do-yay ot-nay now-kay." Yet another glared at Tidus, pointed his finger at the slightly bewildered teenager and shouted, "DO-YAY YOU-YAY OT-NAY SEE-YAY?! HE-YAY IS-YAY A-YAY IEND-FAY!!!"
Tidus by now had realized these people, for whatever reason, were talking using Pig Latin. He cocked his head to a side and said, "Umm...I can understand you ya know..." The one who was glaring at him snorted and said, "No-yay you-yay do-yay ot-nay!" By this time, Tidus was pretty upset. So, abandoning all reason, he shouted back at the strange people, "YES-YAY I-YAY AN-CAY!!!" The results were quite comical, if you weren't Tidus that is. The people screamed, surrounded him and proceeded to beat him senseless, Tidus saying in a sing-song voice, "I-YAY NOW-KAY YOUR-YAY ANGUAGE-LAY!!!".
The people finally realized that Tidus was quite insane, and decided to enroll him in their next mission. After all, as one of their number had said, only insane people could complete the mission without dying in the process.
(A/N: Sorry 'bout the Seymour meets Auron thing. I am well aware it does not happen in the game. Blame the sugar in Pixie Sticks...not me)
Replies to Reviewers!
Xmaster: I do hope those laughs were genuine and not sarcastic. It would make me sad to learn that it was sarcastic. Sorry if the first chapter confused you. I DID put a warning in the summary though...so you can't sue me :-P
Amanda dragon: Yup! I always saw Tidus as a crybaby and an idiot too. It's just in his character I suppose...oh well. Yes Auron's cracker obsession is quite funny. In fact, I made two of my friends test-read the first chapter and they used to not like Auron that much, now, they love him! Personally, I always loved "Auron: The Mighty Slayer of Random Threatening Creatures that Appear out of Nowhere." That name is copyrighted! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Solecito: Yes...Cheez-its are the ultimate crackers. I assume SB e-mails is Strongbad e-mails? Love 'em. And Teen Girl Squad. It's all happy. Blaar...Trogdor is the best though...don't you agree? :-D Also, assuming you ARE talking about Strongbad...have you ever played the "Peasant's Quest" game? Tis very fun and joyous. I beat it! YAY FOR BEATING A BADLY ANIMATED ROLE-PLAYING GAME!!!
Lacus: Indeed!