Random Acts

"Year Twenty-Six"

"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life – to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories."

George Eliot

Remus tenderly cuddled the sleeping baby Harry, reassured by the infant's steady breath falling on his neck.

"Remus, lad…I tol'ya….Dumbledore'll be waitin'…an' best not to worry him with all the ill doin' about."

Remus nodded again, his face crumbling as he lowered Harry from his shoulder and readjusted the soft blanket. Remus had rescued Harry from the Potter home, now little more than "the scene of the crime," crawling with aurors and frightened onlookers. He had stood in the middle of his own kitchen, holding Harry protectively to his chest with wand at the ready for three fretful hours before Hagrid arrived with a letter from Dumbledore.

The hulking giant was beginning to wonder if he'd have to bodily remove the baby from the young man's arms.

"I have to take 'im, son. Dumbledore says 'is aunt's blood'll protect 'im. Make 'em safe."

"I know, Hagrid." Remus agreed quietly. "It's just hard…to let him go. I feel like I'm sending him into the enemy's den."

"S'hard for me, as well…seein' 'im off to live with those Muggles? But it's Petunia's blood he needs. No other can keep 'im safe, jus' like Dumbledore told'ya in the letter."

"If I had been there..."

"You'd 'av been killed, as well. No sense dwellin' on it….It's alright, lad…pass'im to me." Hagrid moved forward the final distance and took Harry carefully from Remus' protective arms.

"Wait, Hagrid…."

Remus rummaged through a small paper album on his desk to find the picture he wanted – Lily and James in front a fountain, Fall leaves drifting downward as they danced – so happy, so in love. He stared at the picture numbly then spelled it to freeze and slipped it into the folds of Harry's blankets, carefully took the bandage off Harry's forehead to check the lightning shaped wound.

"How will you get there?"

"I reckon by floo then walk the rest."

"Take Sirius' motorcycle…out back."

"Ya sure?"

"I never want to see it again."

Hagrid nodded and followed Remus' eyes to look down at his charge.

"Goodbye, Harry. I'll think of you everyday. I'll….I'll remember for you. Every day of my life." Tears fell down Remus' face as he murmured brokenly, "Sweet Harry…" and kissed the sleeping baby's cheek.

Remus sat at the playground picnic table and watched the kids play as they waited for parents and guardians to pick them up from school. Aside from the games they played and the clothes they wore, the behavior of Muggle children didn't seem to differ much from that of wizarding youth. Even at 6-years-old, they appeared to have their hierarchies, their cliques…and their outcasts.

Harry stood on the periphery, throwing a small ball up into the air and easily catching it. Every once in a while, between throws, he'd look over at the other children, longing evident in tiny frame.

Dumbledore was furious when he found out Remus had taken a job as, oddly enough, Harry's Muggle substitute teacher. The werewolf kept close tabs on the boy, as close as he could without breaking The Rules. And he knew he had overstepped the boundary, but he couldn't help it. When Harry's teacher scheduled some minor surgery (plastic surgery, he found out, but that was none of his business) Remus showed up at the principal's door with a Muggle resume and a firm handshake. But tomorrow the teacher would return. And just as well since Dumbledore gave him one day, no more no less, to say 'goodbye' and fade out of the boy's carefully guarded life once again.

Remus looked from Harry to his sketchbook, where a picture of the solitary boy took shape in soft charcoal tones.

The last day…

But when he gazed up once more, he found Harry looking in his direction, seeming to sense Remus' focus.

Lupin leaned forward with his elbows on the table and sent him a small smile. And Harry, grateful for acknowledgement, beamed and ambled over to him.

"Mr. Sumer!"

"Hello, Harry," Remus said cheerfully.

Harry pocketed the small ball and climbed up onto the bench across from Remus.

"What're doing?"

He hesitated a moment before turning the sketchbook around so Harry could see.

"That's me!"

Remus nodded, smiling.

"Why did you draw me?"

"Oh…this is my last day. And I guess I'm a bit sad. I'll miss seeing you, Harry….. I'll miss teaching you and the others. And sometimes….I draw to remember."

"You won't be back?" Harry asked in a small voice.

"No, I'll….I won't be substituting any more. Ms. March will be back tomorrow."

"But what if she has to go have her nose operated on again? What if her big nose grows back?"

Remus looked away to hide a grin. Even the kids knew. "I don't imagine that will happen, Harry."

Remus felt a guilty pleasure to suddenly realize that in two short weeks Harry had become attached to him, had enjoyed his presence in the school. His heart warmed, reliving an old feeling that always wrapped around him like a favorite blanket. Small Harry's love.

Hadn't baby Harry loved him? Uncle Remus, who could calm Harry when others couldn't. Baby Harry, who would cling to Lily or James when others came to visit but would lean forward for him, reaching out with his tiny little fingers when Remus would put his gentle hands forward and ask, "Would you come see Uncle Remus?" And every time, James would point out, "You're the only other person he'll go to, Moony!"

But now Harry looked so sad. And it was his fault.

Here you are, in your selfishness, creating more loss in his life. You came into his world and befriended him when you knew you couldn't stay.

Remus hung his head guiltily then carefully tore the drawing out of his sketchbook and gave it to the small boy.

"You should have this."

Harry raised his eyebrows. "But I want you to remember me, Mr. Sumer!" he said, pushing the portrait back towards his teacher.

"Oh, I don't need a picture for that." Remus said quietly with a smile.

Harry picked up the drawing and studied it carefully, then his thoughtful eyes flitted over the top of the paper and looked at Remus for a moment before he put the picture back down decisively.

"I'll draw a picture for you, then. And we can trade!"

Remus smiled in encouragement and nodded; and when Harry pulled out a sheet of crumpled paper from his backpack, Remus offered him his sketchbook instead. He was surprised to find the boy drawing multiple people on the page.

Probably him and the Dursley's.

After several minutes of intense work, Harry looked at the picture for a moment, then up at Remus, his legs swinging back and forth in the air underneath the bench. And as final hesitant additions, he drew the lightning shaped scar on his own forehead and the two scars that fell across Remus' face then turned the book around for him to see.

"That's my Mum. And my Dad. That's me. And that's you!"

Remus froze. Do you remember them? Remember me? You were so small..

For a long moment, Remus just stared at the paper then looked up to find the young boy looking at him with anticipation.

"Harry….it's lovely….but why did you draw me here, with your Mum and Dad?"

"Because I like you. You've been nice to me…and you're going away…you're going away, also. These are people that I wish I had with me that can't be here anymore."

Remus knew Harry wanted him to ask, give him a reason to explain. But he still felt reticent to ask questions when he already knew the answers, knew so much more than Harry did.

"Your Mum and Dad can't be with you?"

Harry looked at the picture intently. "My parents died in a car crash. I don't remember them. But I still love them. They're still my Mum and Dad even though I feel sometimes like we never met…you know…because I don't remember," Harry added in a small voice.

"Your parents will always be with you, in your heart, Harry. They…I'm sure they loved you dearly."

"Do you think it's wrong? Is it silly? That I pretend they're here with me when I draw?"

"No, Harry, not at all."

"You know how you said you draw things to remember them? 'Cos when I draw things, it's like they are real. Even though they never happened. So when I draw me and my Mum and Dad and we're all together, I make it real for me. I can feel Mum holding my hand almost. And it makes me happy to see us all together. I can't have the memories, but I can draw them. And they feel as real…as real as this." Harry reached across the table and poked Remus lightly on the chest with his finger.

"I understand, Harry. I really do. It's not silly at all."

Remus had to smile at the picture of him, skinny and tall with a ratty hole in his undersized jacket that didn't pass Harry's note. And Harry's ragged hand-me-downs, too big on his underfed body, were drawn crumpled around the edges.

Remus' eyes roamed to the other two figures. Lily and James wore clothing from the photo Remus had put in Harry's blanket years ago. Lily's beautiful long red hair flowing underneath her faded black cap, and James' glasses and disheveled locks. Young Harry had practically memorized the photograph, down to the grey wool scarf curled around his father's lapels.

"See, you have that Johnny Tremain book in your hand! And in the picture, you come over and read to me on the weekends and help me with my homework. And take me to Hyde Park for chocolate ice cream!"

Remus laughed. "Chocolate is my favorite flavor, too."

"I knew it would be… 'cos Mr. Sumer, we're the same in a lot of things."

"How is that, Harry?"

"Do you get all your clothes from a relative?"

Remus had to laugh again. Harry was so observant, so much his mother's child.

"Not from relatives, but you're right. Most of my clothes are owned by someone else first."

Harry smiled. "Mine, too. And we both have scars."

"Yes," said Remus quietly.

"I put the scars in because I like to draw things as real as I can, 'cos that makes the things that aren't real…"

Remus nodded and finished for him. "Seem more real? Like your Mum and Dad with you?"

"Mmhm." Harry pulled the picture back to his side again and studied it for a moment.

"Do you want them on the picture? Your scars? I can take them off, if you want."

The question surprised Remus as did the look of stricken embarrassment on Harry's face when he asked.

"They're a part of who I am, Harry. I couldn't hide them, even if I wanted to."

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Yes."

"Someone hurt you?" he whispered.

Remus chose his words carefully. "An animal hurt me."

"Were you afraid?"

He couldn't exactly tell Harry that after retransformations, he often regained consciousness to find his body covered in gaping, bleeding wounds. How could he explain the utter terror of thinking, so many times in that moment of awakening, that he might have torn himself to shreds beyond all hope of healing?

"Yes, I was afraid. But I'm still alive. I have more scars than these, Harry. They remind me that I'm strong enough to overcome hardship and pain…that I'm stronger than the…the things that might try to hurt me. I imagine yours says the same thing about you."

Harry shrugged.

"Do you mind it so much? Your scar?"

"No…but kids make fun of me, so it's better to hide it."

One day, you'll meet kids who won't laugh.

"But I drew mine when I drew yours so you remember you're not the only one."

Remus smiled, feeling odd for receiving such a random consolation from small Harry, whom he had comforted so many times as a baby. And Harry handed the picture once again to Remus, who kept his head down as the picture blurred, his eyes filling with tears he couldn't fight.

"Thank you for the drawing, Harry. It's very nice."

It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever given him…

The picture hung framed on his wall wherever he went. It hadn't been much from Harry's point of view, a scribble made in passing, but to Remus it was an encapsulation of a cherished reality that never happened. A false memory, really, but one alive in Harry's mind so vividly for that one childhood moment. James and Lily and their beautiful son. And Mr. Sumer, who came for dinner on Sundays and read him books as he fell asleep in the chair. More than once, he went to Hyde Park and bought ice cream then sat with his sketchbook under a broad tree, and remembering Harry's lack of friends, drew him playing with others, smiling and content.

Not so silly a thing to do, Harry. To wish you could have as your reality a moment from your mind, a drawing on a page.

When he came to Hogwarts, Lupin hesitated to display the picture but kept it in his drawer. But at Grimmauld, it hung on his wall once again, a garish spot of poignancy on the otherwise dismal walls that recorded the overbearing weight of the Black family lineage.

After Sirius had died, Harry came into Lupin's room one evening to check on the bedridden werewolf, who was slowly recovering from a bad transformation. He sat on the bed's edge, chatting and watching Remus carefully drink the tea he had brought, when his eyes caught the framed picture on the opposite wall, a picture usually covered by the open door. Harry walked toward it as if pulled beyond his control and studied the drawing, touched it with his fingertips and without turning to Remus said, "You were Mr. Sumer."

Remus shifted in the bed, a bit embarrassed.

"For a short time, yes. I always wondered if you remembered. I just…I never knew how to mention it. Or even if I should. I broke rules to see you, Harry. It was selfish of me."

He turned and gave Remus an affectionate smile. "It was brave of you. I didn't recognize you on the train, that first day, though."

"Well, we had that dementor issue to deal with, didn't we."

Harry's smile widened. "That we did….But our first day of class? When Peeves was tormenting you in the hallway and you shot gum at him? You turned and smiled at us and I thought, "Mr. Sumer!"

Remus laughed and sat up from his pillow. "Dumbledore was not happy about my stint as your substitute teacher, I can tell you that."

"And you've kept this, all these years?"

"It's gone with me everywhere."

"Why?"

Remus didn't know if Harry would comprehend, but there was only one way to explain. "I've kept it for the same reasons that you drew it."

To others, it might have been a cryptic response. But not to Harry. He understood completely.

Days later as the Weasley's, Harry and Remus sprawled about the sitting room in various quiet states of homework and reading, Harry looked lost in thought, then left and came back moments later with the drawing in hand. He glanced at Remus for a moment who, unsure of his intentions, just smiled carefully and nodded.

Harry took the picture from the frame and with a set of colored pencils retrieved from the desk, slowly and meticulously added Sirius, extending his arm to rest on Remus' shoulder, drawn nearly a decade ago.

A family of five in spirit.

"I suck at art, but…."

Remus studied the addition with a smile. Aside from a cleanness to the lines of Sirius, he was not drawn so differently as the rest of them; but Harry had captured Sirius' intensity with a steady gaze, and the Marauder in him emanated from his impish grin.

And in the main Grimmauld hallway replete with severe portraits, velvet curtains, and heavy wood, Harry and Remus carefully hung the small, bright portrait.

Remus felt hot tears fall down his cheeks and brushed them away, trying to hold his emotions in check. "He would have liked that."

"He would have, wouldn't he.…I've wanted to draw him all week. It just seemed…It makes things easier, for some reason."

Remus put an arm around his godson and gave him a reassuring hug and Harry nodded and sighed heavily then looked towards the door, restless. "We've been in here all day. Let's go somewhere, get out of here."

Remus stood silent for a moment before he asked quietly, "Would you like to go get ice cream at Hyde Park?"

"Chocolate?" Harry asked hopefully.

Remus swallowed back his emotions as he straightened the picture and touched its edge carefully, then he looked back at Harry with a bittersweet expression.

"Chocolate would be nice."

tbc

Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to any readers who have lost a loved one.

A scene from Remus' final moments as a Hogwarts professor will be next.

Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed! Your feedback really keeps me motivated. :)