This is a fanfiction based in JKR's world of Harry Potter. Original characters are mine. All others are hers. Please see the first chapter for full disclaimers and credits to my wonderful team of betas. I've had a lot of help with this story!

Alternate Universe to Half-blood Prince.

Chapter 5: Redemption Scorned

She woke with a small start and had to take a moment to recall where she was and why. Once she found her bearings, she dressed quickly and set off to find Professor Dumbledore, or Professor McGonagall, or anyone except Professor Snape. She had questions and didn't feel like obtaining the answers by wading through a minefield of verbal sparring.

All the professors—well, all that lived here year-round—were in the Great Hall for breakfast. Rowena approached the table with shy uncertainty, but Dumbledore saw her and greeted her with his usual warm smile. He stood and beckoned her toward him, gesturing to an empty chair.

"Rowena! It's good to see you making yourself at home already. Please, sit and have some breakfast. What can we do to make you feel more comfortable? Is there anything you need?" he asked as he seated her.

She smiled shyly and nodded. "Yes, actually I had some questions, Professor Dumbledore…." She stopped as he interrupted her with a gentle shake of his head.

"First names please, Rowena," he reminded her gently.

"Albus, then," she said, as she took the offered seat. "I wanted to know exactly what my restrictions are. I need to do some shopping before term starts, but I am more concerned about the volunteer work I do on Saturdays at St. Mungo's. The shopping I could do by Owl-post if necessary, but St. Mungo's… I really enjoy that work; I'd rather not give it up."

Albus smiled at her and patted her hand. "Of course, Rowena. We will work something out. The most dangerous time will be the actual transit. Once inside St. Mungo's you would be safe enough, though I must insist you have an escort while travelling. The Floos will be rather closely watched by unfriendly eyes, I'm afraid. Do you fly?"

Rowena paled and shook her head vigorously. "No, not at all! I don't do well with heights. I've never had a broomstick off the ground."

"Hmm, that does make things difficult," he said thoughtfully as he returned to his own chair at the head of the table. "The walk to Hogsmeade isn't that far, but it's still a solid twenty minutes in good weather, which makes it not very safe in light of the situation. We know the enemy has spies watching the grounds and surrounding area."

He fell silent as he buttered his toast, his brow furrowed slightly. "Have you ever gone anywhere by Thestral? Can you see Thestrals? They are much more comfortable than broomsticks, as well as feeling more sturdy and secure."

Rowena sighed and smiled wryly. "I'm sure I could see them. I've worked with my dad at St. Mungo's as an assistant of sorts before I chose my career. I've seen death. But I've never actually seen a Thestral, and I've certainly never ridden one. You did hear me say that I don't like heights, didn't you?"

He chuckled slightly. "Yes, Rowena, I caught that part. However, Thestrals are extremely safe and fiendishly difficult to catch if someone should try to pursue you. Hagrid has done a remarkable job of taming ours. They might be the safest way for you to get to and from St. Mungo's.

"Hagrid, why don't you bring one or two out to the lawn after breakfast and let her give it a try, won't you?"

"Right'cha are, Headmaster," Hagrid answered happily, and Rowena suppressed a shudder and a sigh. With a resigned air, she nodded her agreement.

"Splendid. I'm sure they will suit. Now, we just need to organise someone to accompany you. How often do you go?" Albus asked cheerfully.

"I go every Saturday afternoon after lunch, and usually stay until around nine o'clock—or whenever all the children are asleep. Maybe someone could just escort me there and then come back again later to get me? It might be inconvenient to make two trips, but not as bad as wasting an entire Saturday."

Albus waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about that, Rowena. I understand the security is an inconvenience. I am happy to help you maintain as much normality as possible. Surely anyone who has already accompanied you there this past month would be delighted to continue the service, though I would like you to have someone with a bit more combative experience than Molly Weasley. We will work something out.

"You have a bite and go try those Thestrals."

The lawn was shimmering in the light breeze, causing it to look like brushed velvet. Two large, pitch-black, scaly animals stood blinking at her in the bright light. They looked like a skeletal cross between a Pegasus and a black dragon, with ghostly white eyes.

She mounted one nervously, with Hagrid's instructions. Growing up on a working farm, she could ride a horse well enough, but this was entirely different—not the least because there was no saddle or reins to grasp. Wrapping her hands tightly in the coarse, bristly hairs of the beast's mane, she braced herself for the worst. Hagrid gave a command and it was off, great leathery wings beating the air, massive muscles working beneath her knees. The ground fell away quickly and she waited for the horrible, nauseating vertigo to overwhelm her.

Surprisingly, it did not incapacitate her as it normally would have done. She was frightened, but something about the magic of the creature allowed her to avoid the pure, mind-numbing terror that usually gripped her when she was more than a few feet off the ground. The Thestral circled the lawn in a great loop, until Hagrid called to it with a harsh cry. It swooped back to where the huge man stood and landed in front of him. The landing was surprisingly gentle, almost graceful, and she dismounted.

Her legs felt weak and rubbery, and her heart was pounding, her breath almost panting. She clung to the Thestral's back for a long moment to regain her sense of equilibrium—but, she had done it! It was impossible not to feel all the pride of accomplishment. Hagrid was beaming at her.

"There yeh go. Nuthin' ter it. They're dead useful. Yer goin' ter need ter be used ter ridin' 'em if yer goin' ter keep up your volunteerin' at St Mungo's. I think 's a fine thin' yer doin'. If yeh wan' a Thestral any time, yeh jus' let me know," Hagrid said happily.

"She would be better served if you encouraged her to give up this 'volunteering', Hagrid. She will soon have enough to do without adding needless work," said a sneering voice from within the shadow of a nearby tree. Severus Snape was leaning there, observing them.

"Now see here, Professor Snape, Dumbledore asked me ter help her, an' he said she could take Thestrals wherever she wanted s'long as she's got an escor' from the Order. If she wan's ter volunteer at the hospital, yeh've got no 'cause ter be stoppin' her," Hagrid said defensively.

"I am well aware of what Albus has said on the matter, Hagrid. It does not change the facts of the situation. It is unwise at the very least. She should not be needlessly out of the grounds or forcing someone else to forgo more important things to mind her. It is quite a waste of time and resources," said Severus.

"I will thank you both to stop talking about me as though I'm not here," Rowena said coolly. "I don't need a minder! The Headmaster said I only needed a guard while I was travelling. Surely I can be escorted to and from the hospital once a week without excessive inconvenience? I beg you not to put yourself out on my account, Professor Snape. It doesn't concern you."

The low baritone voice became soft and smooth as he replied, "Oh, but I am put out, Professor Lupin, and it does, indeed, concern me. Albus seems determined to underestimate the attempts that will likely be made on your life. The hospital security is inadequate. Since he refuses to take this seriously, I am now forced into the unwilling role of your protector. You will inform me when you wish to leave tomorrow, and I will accompany you."

"Oh, no you won't! That is completely unacceptable," she said angrily, temporarily forgetting Hagrid's presence. "I volunteer with children, Professor Snape. Orphaned children who usually have been traumatized, occasionally at the hand of Death Eaters. I am not going to bring in some rude… sarcastic… cruel… bullying… man… into their presence to add to their distress. No way."

She was sputtering in her fury, obviously unable to think of an insult suitable to her temper. Severus, however, found amusement in her ranting and the corners of his mouth quirked in a smirk.

"Is that the best you can do? I assure you, I have heard far more creative insults directed toward me than your little tirade. In fact, I must say that I can hardly call it insulting since I cannot deny the truth of any of it. However, I will be coming with you, or you will not be going. That is the only concession I can get Albus to make in this regard, as he refuses to forbid you to go altogether.

"I will bring a book or something else to do to occupy my time so as not to distress your waifs. I came here to inform you of the arrangement, and to find what time I am expected to give over the rest of my day tomorrow?"

Rowena was nearly beside herself with frustration, but by the look on his face she knew that argument was futile. She would not back out of her commitment to the children for the likes of him! Still, it was all she could do not to stamp her foot ineffectually in temper.

"One o'clock. I will not wait for you," she said shortly.

"Fine," he said, equally shortly, and then turned and walked back to the castle, his robes billowing in angry emphasis of his brisk stride.

It wasn't until she heard the low chuckle behind her that she remembered Hagrid was there.

"Well, I'll be damned," he said, his voice amused, "Professor Snape usually don' argue much with Professor Dumbledore. He mus' really think yer in some danger, Professor Lupin."

"Please, Hagrid, call me Rowena. All this 'Professor' business is getting to me already," she said resignedly.

"All right, then, Rowena. Snape's a tough ol' dragon, make no mistake. But Dumbledore trusts him. He'll keep yeh safe, yeh don' need ter worry abou' that."

She nodded. So, Hagrid thought she didn't trust Severus? It was just as well. She'd rather no one know the real cause of her distress. Silently she returned to the castle to begin working on lesson plans—and prepare herself mentally for the ordeal of tomorrow.

It was her intent to meet him on the lawns. She had avoided him since the altercation yesterday, and wished heartily that there were some other arrangement that could be made. A brief meeting with Dumbledore, however, assured her that he had indeed conceded Severus' point that she needed more security.

Worse, it had apparently been Dumbledore that had basically told Severus that if he didn't like the arrangements, he would have to see to it himself. That Severus had accepted the challenge was unnerving.

She was in the process of filling a large satchel with dolls, blankets and a variety of toys when a knock came at her door. Distractedly, as she was folding a stack of pastel blankets, she shouted at the door, "Come in, it's open."

"Are you moving into the paediatric ward, then?" The sneering voice of Severus Snape washed over her. She looked up to see him looking disdainfully at the neatly organized things laid out for orderly packing.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and attempted to speak to him rationally, though she was already finding her temper rising. She thought his goading attitude might be part of his attempt to make her dislike him. It wasn't working, but it was highly irritating.

"Professor Snape, you are about to accompany me on something which means a great deal to me. Even though I go to aid the children, I derive a great deal of pleasure from it as well. These children have nothing left. It is a small thing to bring them a few items of comfort and entertainment, and spend some time with them. I will not spend my day explaining my actions to you, nor will I spoil my enjoyment of the activity by rising to your bait. I will thank you kindly to keep your opinions to yourself."

He snorted and moved over to look at the blankets and toys. "In other words, you would like me to shut up?" he asked sardonically. "Very well. I won't pretend to make nice with a roomful of brats guaranteed to be more annoying than my worst students, but I will hold my tongue. Are you quite ready?"

She finished gathering her things into her bag without another word. In short order they were on the lawns, mounted on Thestrals, Disillusioned so as not to attract attention, and on their way. The flight took nearly an hour, but at last they landed in the courtyard of St. Mungo's, where Severus instructed the Thestrals to wait. It didn't take her as long, this time, to regain her calm after the terror of the flight.

Rowena didn't ask, and didn't want to know, whom he had seen die… she was quite certain she wouldn't like the answer.

The Children's Ward was full and noisy. The nurses and Healers greeted Rowena with the cheerful informality that comes from long acquaintance. However, they quieted and looked almost fearfully at the tall, dark, brooding man who followed only a pace or two behind her. She walked through the main corridor and then down a quieter hallway. The nurses in this ward were more subdued, but hugged her in greeting.

"Mandy, how are my babies this week? Any new ones? Anyone found homes yet?" Rowena asked as she hugged a matronly looking woman.

"Och, lass, we've got a new one in just today. The Aurors brought her in sometime last night. She's a wee thing, maybe about three years old we think. Muggle-born, but definitely a witch. Found her in a shop in Knockturn Alley. They was using her blood in potions, poor thing. Can't nobody get her to say a word. Don't even know if she knows English. Come see if you can work your own special magic, Rowena, won't you?" The woman broke off her chatter in her thick Scottish brogue to look at Severus suspiciously.

"Mandy, this is Professor Snape. I'm at Hogwarts now. It's a long story, but I seem to be in need of security these days—you've seen Mrs Weasley and some of the other teachers with me before. Professor Snape has kindly agreed to come with me today. Professor Snape, this is Mandy McGinny. She's the Ward Sister here."

Severus nodded in greeting, but said nothing. He didn't even bother to scoff at the idea that he was here out of 'kindness'. All his attention was focused on the news of the newly arrived child, and he had become decidedly uncomfortable. He knew the sorts of potions that were created in Knockturn Alley, and specifically what manner of potions required the blood of a wizarding child. Bloody hell, he had created many—if not most—of them himself. Damn!

His past would haunt him forever; he had come to accept that. But to come here and have his nose rubbed in it… well; it was almost more than he could stand. His dark, brooding silence closed in on him even more, and he followed the two women into the ward.

It was a bright and colorful place, with toys, books and balloons everywhere. It had very little of the normal antiseptic sterility that was universally common in hospitals, but rather felt like a warm, if cramped, nursery. Most of the toys and books bore the unmistakable air of long-usage, but there seemed to be an abundance of them.

There were eight beds in all. Four cots contained small infants of various ages. There was a boy of about the age of eight and twin girls who seemed younger, maybe five or so, though he was no judge of age in young children. The bed by the window contained the huddled ball of a small child.

She was tiny, nearly skeletal. It was immediately clear that she was the only one here who was physically in need of medical treatment. She was waxy pale, with huge, brilliantly blue eyes staring blankly into space, and hair the color of newly minted galleons, though it was dull and matted at present.

The twin girls and the eight-year-old boy came running as soon as Rowena entered the room, throwing themselves at her where she stood and hugging her. The children immediately began a storm of chatter like twittering birds, each clamouring for her attention. She sat on the edge of one of the beds and began digging through her satchel, doling out her treasures. To the boy, she gave a toy dragon—a wizarding one that actually moved and made sounds, with a book about dragons to go with it. To the twin girls, she gave coloring books and crayons, and also a doll for each girl. The babies in the cots each received a soft fleece blanket and a stuffed animal. All the while, Rowena talked and laughed with the children.

Severus quickly and silently seated himself in the far corner of the room, between a window and the tiny girl lying still as a stone on the bed, and tried to engross himself in his book. He could not. His mind was occupied with the plight of the silent child.

When the other children were absorbed in their new gifts, Rowena came to the child on the bed. She sat down on the edge of the bed, and the nurse, Mandy, came over as well. Rowena stroked the child's hair, but she seemed oblivious to the touch.

"Can't anyone find out anything about her, Mandy?"

"No, lass. We don't have anyone on duty this weekend that can do Legilimency well enough. Your dad thought as much as the child's been through, it'd be best not to meddle. It might do more harm than good so to speak. Not a very subtle thing, Legilimency—ain't many, 'cept maybe Albus Dumbledore, that can do it with any skill without casting the actual spell and being too rough and all. We hope to have someone take a look at her Monday and see what they can find out."

Severus stirred at this. The other children, they were merely orphans. Children were orphaned all the time. But this child… she could very well be orphaned indirectly because of him, of the potions he had developed for the Death Eaters when he was still with them in heart and deed. Somehow her fate and condition disturbed him greatly.

"Why don't you just Obliviate her? A child should not have to remember the things she likely has seen." He surprised himself by the bitterness in his voice, and found himself flaring to anger at the brief flash of something like pity he saw in Rowena's eyes when she glanced at him.

She shook her head and replied softly, "She's a wizarding child, Professor Snape. If we Obliviated her, in light of how deep the trauma must surely go, we could seriously damage her memory, magical abilities and cognitive functioning for the rest of her life. The best we can do is try to help her learn to deal with what has happened."

He gave a derisive sound deep in his throat. "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, is that it?"

She glanced up at him sharply, surprised at the raw, bitter emotion in his voice. "What?"

"Nothing. Just something my dear old dad was fond of saying." He sighed, and in a softer voice said, "Rowena, I would like to help."

She looked at him in open-mouthed shock. First, he called her by name, something he had avoided since the Memorial over a month ago, and second, he was offering to help this child. She had no idea what he was offering, but she merely nodded her head. "If you like. I was just going to sit and rock with her; they seem to like that…"

But he was shaking his head. "No—I mean, I'm a Legilimens." He smirked haughtily. "A bloody good one, though maybe not quite so skilled as Albus Dumbledore; he's had a few more years to practise. Let me look at her and see if I can help with what the Healers need to know."

Of course. She had always felt he could see into her thoughts, hadn't she? Making a mental note never, ever to let her Occlumency drop, no matter what, around this man, she nodded her assent.

"Now wait just one minute there," said the Ward Sister, who suddenly looked much more forbidding. "I'm sorry Professor-whatever your name was—I trust Rowena, she's been helping us for years and her dad's one of the Chief's and all, but I don't know you from Merlin and can't possibly let you be poking around in this lassie's head. Might do more harm than good. I'm sorry. Nothing doing."

"Mandy," Rowena said reassuringly, "It's okay. If Severus says he can do this, then he can do it. I'm sure he'll be careful, and it would be very helpful to know something about her, right?"

Severus looked piercingly at her, caught first by the odd, gentle way she said his name. She was defending him, showing unquestioning faith in him to do as he said he would. In spite of his efforts to the contrary, her trust in him remained unwavering.

She met his gaze fully, though he smirked to himself to see that she still guarded her thoughts with her own Occlumency. Trust in him, but only so far. Well, it was still more than he had known from others. He was newly intrigued, though he easily stifled the sensation.

The Ward Sister relented with a nod, though she still looked at him suspiciously. Severus went to sit on the opposite side of the bed from Rowena. The child's eyes were wide and staring. He was almost afraid to see what he would find there. He looked up again at Rowena.

"Maybe you should hold her. I do not know how much I can see without her knowing what I am doing. It might upset her. I will desist at once if she becomes distressed."

Rowena nodded and gently picked up the child, wrapping her in a soft fleece blanket from her bag—did the woman have a bottomless bag of blankets? She carried her over to the rocking chair by the window and cradled her gently. Severus brought a chair over so that he was directly eye-level with the child. He took a breath, steeling himself for unpleasantness… and met the haunted gaze.

He was still and silent, motionless as though made from wax, for long, long minutes. Rowena feared to move and barely allowed herself to breathe, afraid to accidentally break the connection or distress the child. At last he looked away, and for a moment he met Rowena's eyes with a gaze so full of pain and anguish that she thought she might scream just from the raw empathy of it. The instant was gone so quickly that she might not have believed it had happened if the pain wasn't still so palpable in her heart.

He stood up and turned his back to them, looking out the window. His voice was strange and harsh, even to his own ears.

"She speaks German. They have had her in that cellar for at least six months—it was winter when they captured her, and not quite Christmas. She was the only magical one in her family, and she witnessed the murder of who I can only assume were her parents and two brothers, one older, one an infant. As near as I can tell, her name is 'Katrina', though it is her memory of her brother calling her that, so the pronunciation may be incorrect."

The child had been completely motionless during it all, and even now made no sign that she was aware of her surroundings. Rowena laid her own head on the top of the child's golden blonde one, silent tears streaming down her face. Mandy blew her nose loudly and left the room, saying something about finding a translator.

Severus, though, was not done with his surprises. When the Ward Sister left the room, he returned to the chair by Rowena and the child. Silently he handed Rowena a white handkerchief from the depths of a pocket, and she dried her face. Facing the child, he spoke in soft tones, rapid German, and there was no hint of the usual cruel bitterness in his voice.

The child, surprisingly, stirred in Rowena's arms. She looked at him and blinked her eyes, then shook her head. He said something else; she shook her head again. The third time he asked her a question, she nodded, and something in return.

"Die schokolade."

Rowena was staring at Severus in wide-eyed shock and wonder herself. What in Merlin's name was occurring here? By the time Mandy returned with a male orderly, Severus had stood and returned to the window.

"She has no other living family that she knows of, she is not in pain, but she is hungry. She wants chocolate," Severus said, by way of explanation of their conversation.

Mandy was about to reply to this, and had just asked the orderly to translate for her, when the child saw this man and began to shriek in hysteria. Severus spun around, grabbed the man by the arm and bodily escorted the orderly out the door, shutting it firmly behind him.

"He looks remarkably like one of the men who had been her captor," he said simply, over the pitiful screams of the child.

Rowena rocked her, trying to calm her but with no real success. It was as though now that her catatonia had passed, she needed to scream in release of her fear, grief, and anguish from her ordeal. Rowena simply rocked her and crooned soothingly, allowing her to cry in safety. Severus stood stone-still at the window, betraying no emotion whatever and looking at no one in the room. It seemed to take hours before the anguished wailing began to diminish.

"Bring the child some chocolate, will you?" Severus asked the Ward Sister irritably. She nodded and left, quickly returning with a tray full of chocolate frogs. He made a noise of derision at this, and waved his wand over them to remove their animating enchantment. "I believe she's had enough magic for now without being scared senseless when her chocolate jumps away, don't you think?"

He brought one over to the child, where she still sat on Rowena's lap. She had calmed to the point of the hiccuping, shuddering breaths which follow that sort of crying. He spoke to her again in German. The child held out her hand tentatively, and he gave her the frog. She looked at it and wrinkled her nose in apparent displeasure. He gave the smallest of laughs and said something else. She nodded and ate the chocolate silently.

"She thinks it's disgusting to make chocolate shaped like frogs. I must say I agree completely," he said, then stood up and walked about the room. His face was an inscrutable mask of stoicism, but his pacing betrayed unsettled thoughts and emotions.

He finally came back to where they sat and this time addressed Rowena. "I believe she will be stable for a while. I am going out for a time, to get some air. Do not leave this ward. I will be back shortly."

Rowena nodded and looked up at him, smiling slightly, though her own eyes were still bright with tears. Her expression was one of both gratitude and sympathy for what this had apparently dredged up for him. "I'm not going anywhere. Thank you, Severus."

He sneered bitterly at her, and all the old sarcastic cruelty was back in his voice. He spoke in low tones so as not to be overheard by the Ward Sister. "Do not thank me, Lupin," he hissed. "I do not want your gratitude or your compassion! It is my potion recipe that surely caused this child to be orphaned and tortured. That is not a debt that can be repaid. Do not leave this ward."

In a swirl of black robes he was gone.

He stayed away nearly all of the rest of her visit with the children. Rowena modified an old translation charm and cast it upon Katrina so she could speak with the other children and staff to a limited extent. It was too powerful of a charm to use the full version on her in her current weak and vulnerable state, but the modification would be sufficient to allow her a faster transition into English.

She rocked babies and read stories to the other children and spent a fairly pleasant visit, the back of her mind still worried for Severus. It was dark outside, and all the children but Katrina were comfortably sleeping in their beds, but he had not yet returned.

Katrina had latched onto Rowena instantly, and had barely allowed herself to be put down. The child was comfortably snuggled in her lap at the moment; her golden curls were no longer matted, but instead were damp from a bath and had been brushed smooth. She was very nearly asleep.

The ward door opened and a shadowy figure stepped inside. Even in the very dim light, Rowena knew it was Severus. He said nothing, but went to the chair near the window and sat down in silence.

Katrina looked at him when he came in and squirmed off of Rowena's lap. She went over and stood next to Severus. Rowena could only make out the bright glitter of his dark eyes as he regarded the child. She spoke to him in German, he responded in kind, and they had a brief conversation. Rowena watched curiously. When the conversation seemed to be over, the child raised her arms out to him in the silent, universal childish request to be picked up.

Rowena drew in her breath and was on the verge of standing up to retrieve her so she wouldn't have to face Severus' rejection, when he surprised her yet again by gently lifting the child onto his lap. Katrina snuggled against him immediately, and he rocked her for several minutes in silence. His face was an unreadable mask, cloaked in shadows of the dimly lit room.

At last he stood and carried the child to her bed. He smoothed the blankets over her, as though he had been tucking toddlers into bed all of his life, and spoke a few more words in German before walking away from her. He stopped at the door and stood with his arms crossed, clearly waiting for Rowena to follow.

"Good night, Katrina. I will visit you again soon, okay?" Rowena said to her as she tucked the blankets unnecessarily again, and then gave her a large, soft teddy bear.

"He said four days," Katrina said in halting English, with the blunt innocence of a child. It was unlikely she was old enough to understand the concept of 'four days' in any case.

Rowena looked at her, not knowing what to say. If he had indeed said four days, well, she wouldn't contradict him. But perhaps the child had misunderstood. "I always come on Saturday, Katrina. I will be here on Saturday again for certain, all right?"

Severus' voice cut across the silence of the room. "Term has not yet started, Professor Lupin. I told the child we would return on Wednesday. I did not expect you to object."

Rowena was grateful for the darkness of the room to hide her blush. Somehow hearing him say 'we would return' like that gave her an odd sensation in her stomach. She smiled and shook her head. "No, no objections Professor Snape. Four days then, Katrina, just as he said." She leaned forward and kissed the child gently on the top of her head and left with him.

Anger, almost rage, radiated from him as they made their way to the courtyard with the Thestrals. The flight back to Hogwarts was uneventful. Concern for the little girl and bemusement over Severus' actions even caused Rowena to be less aware of her fear of the height during the flight. He claimed the bulk of her ruminations. Rowena knew he blamed himself for Katrina's fate and condition.

Once on the Hogwarts grounds, alone with him on the dark lawn, Rowena stopped him with a gentle hand on his sleeve. "Severus… wait a moment, please? I've been thinking about what you said at the hospital. I wish you wouldn't blame yourself for this. You didn't kill her parents. This isn't your fault. You can't blame yourself for other people's actions."

He rounded on her, his rage boiling over at last, and finding her a convenient target upon whom to vent it. His visage was twisted in fury, truly frightful, and his voice dripped hate. "Do not presume to tell me whom I can blame for what, Lupin! You, in your perfect, idealistic, black-and-white little world of good and evil where good always triumphs! You make me sick!

"Do you have any idea what it means to be a Death Eater, Lupin? Do you? I was a willing and enthusiastic member of that exclusive little club for nearly three full years. It is very likely that I created the potion for which they were using that child's blood! If it is the potion I suspect it is, then there are probably hundreds of children like her that have been bled to death for its creation!"

His angry tirade was accompanied by effusive gesticulation, either stabbing an accusing finger at her, or a thumb at himself, or gesturing vaguely in the direction from which they had just come to indicate the little girl in question.

"It reduces aging, you see? It keeps them young and fit. It's not nearly the same as the Philosopher's Stone, but quite adequate for those whose first concern is physical beauty and vanity.

"If not for me, for my weakness and lust for vengeance, that potion would not have been created and that child would not be lying in that hospital bed, bled nearly to death, mourning the loss of her parents and two brothers!"

He was towering over her, almost screaming, his rage washing over her in waves. Yet she stood her ground, glaring up at him, and waited for the storm to pass. It was difficult not to flinch away from the angry gestures that punctuated his speech, but he never came close to actually touching her.

When he seemed to have done, or at least was forced to pause for breath, she confronted him. Her voice was no less angry, but it was cool and icy where his had been hot with rage.

"Have you quite finished? My word, but you are arrogant! I always attributed true conceit to Potter. It seems you have a drop or two of it yourself. Do you really think that you are the only living person who could have made that potion? If you hadn't made it, someone else would have!

"You were, how did you put it, a 'willing and enthusiastic member' of the Death Eaters for almost three years. Okay, fine. It's part of your past. Part of who you are. But who else out of all the Death Eaters has managed to find their way out of that hell? Or has even tried to leave and lived to tell about it? Who else has not only left, but also turned spy 'at great personal risk', actively and aggressively working against them?"

In contrast to his exuberant arm motions, her hands were held in tightly clenched fists at her sides.

"Do tell me, Professor Snape," she said sarcastically, "I am longing to know, how much self-inflicted hate, loathing and genuine suffering must you endure before you forgive yourself your past crimes and give yourself permission to live your life? I've never viewed you as enjoying the martyr role, but apparently I was mistaken!"

His face paled as his rage spiraled higher. For a moment she thought he might strike her. He certainly balled his fists as though he wanted to do exactly that. Instead, his voice dropped to the silk he used when his rage was nearly beyond words.

"You know nothing of hate, Lupin. You know nothing of hell. You know nothing of Death Eaters and what they are capable of. There are some things that are unforgivable. There are some people who have lived lives of such evil and pure depravity that there is no redemption. I am such a man. You would do well to remember that.

"I will see you here on Wednesday at five o'clock. I do not wish to set eyes on you before then. Go take your idealism to Dumbledore or someone else who believes in forgiveness and redemption. Do not sicken me with your pipe dreams and chimeras."

He then turned and stormed up to the castle, leaving Rowena with her heart full of compassion for him, in spite of her anger over his stubbornness.

A/N: German Translation:

die schokolade—chocolate