A/N: This is an AU, because a) I like AUs and b) the story I wanted to write wouldn't have been able to happen if it weren't. Also, this is doubly an AU because there is no Dark Lord and Petunia Evans will not marry Vernon Dursley.
A/N2: This is probably the only Lilybashing fic in existence. I haven't checked, but I've been reading fanfiction since early 2000 and I've never seen any.
A/N3: I will put new chapters up as soon as they're written, so don't nag. Also, this will not rise above PG-13 or T, as I cannot bring myself to write hetsmut.
The Slytherin's Guide to Dating
Step Two: Get Acquainted
When Lily stepped off the train some twenty minutes after she should have, it was to the sight of her sister sitting on a bench, with the arm of one of the few people who refused to worship Lily around her, bickering cheerfully about some book she'd never heard of.
"But Severus, the point is that Macbeth had no nerve, no ruthlessness! His wife committed the murder, and he would not have been king otherwise."
"He would have been king no matter what. It was prophesied, and prophecies always find a way to fulfill themselves Petunia. Don't you remember the story of Oedipus?"
Lily couldn't understand a thing they were saying and didn't bother trying. Instead, she marched right up to them and demanded shrilly, "Petunia Susan Evans, what on earth do you think you're doing? Do you know what he is?"
Petunia looked at her, unruffled by her outrage. "He's an intellectual, a Beatles fan and a very handsome bloke indeed. What do you think he is?"
"How can you think he's handsome! Look at his hair! Look at that awful nose! He's a bloody snob, for God's sake! He calls me the most horrible names!" Lily nearly shrieked.
"Like what? Something other than 'Your Highness'? And what do you have against men with long hair? His hair is certainly better than yours." Petunia deliberately struck at Lily's hair, of which she was exceedingly vain.
"For that matter, I'll have you know that this nose has been broken three times, twice by that fiancé of yours." Severus spat the word fiancé with intense hatred.
"By the way, Lily, we would have liked to be told." A heavy hand fell on her shoulder, and she whirled to see her father, looking deeply disappointed. He handed her a silk scarf that belonged to her mother, who was standing just behind him, looking scandalized. "Please put this on. Your neck has some... marks on it." She blushed, and rapidly knotted it around her neck.
Petunia and Severus stood up, and separated reluctantly. "When may I see you again, Petunia?" Severus asked, with a hopeful but wary expression on his face, as he expected to be told 'never'.
"If you've got a pen, I can write my address down for you." Her father silently handed her one, as well as a small scrap of paper. "Here. 17 Primrose Path, Little Whinging, Surrey. Stop by sometime; during the afternoon would be best."
Severus accepted it like a holy relic. "Would tomorrow at 1 o'clock be acceptable? I could take you to lunch." He offered tentatively.
"I think that would be just fine. You seem to be a nice young man, and if my daughter likes you then I can't help but approve." Mr. Evans spoke before either girl could get a word in edgewise.
"But Daddy, James is coming by tomorrow!" Lily whined.
"I assure you, Miss Evans, that I will stay well out of his way. I have no desire to have my nose broken yet again. Being unable to smell is particularly difficult in my line of work."
"And what is your line of work?" Mr. Evans was keenly interested.
"I am a potion maker. My father owns an apothecary shop in the wizarding section of Oxford, just near the university where I will be working on weekends until I complete my degree. I hope to someday work at St. Mungo's hospital." Severus knew that Mr. Evans was trying to determine his ultimate suitability and he hoped he passed. Mr. Evans nodded, apparently satisfied, and Severus relaxed a bit more. "Father is expecting me. I should probably go. I'll come by at 1 o'clock tomorrow, Petunia." He nodded stiffly at Mrs. Evans and Lily, nodded more warmly to Mr. Evans, then took Petunia's hand and kissed it again, lingering for a moment. Then he straightened up and strode away quickly, determined not to embarrass himself in front of Petunia. But, oh, that low neckline! It was a truly spectacular day; he'd met a smart, pretty girl who thought he was good looking! It more than made up for everything else.
Petunia was flushed, and had a dreamy grin on her face as she walked with her parents to the car. She began to plan her outfit for the next day, ignoring the petulant whine emanating from Lily. Oh, yes, this was a very good day. A boy had said she was prettier than Lily!