A/N: This is an AU, because a) I like AUs and b) the story I wanted to write wouldn't have been able to happen if it weren't. Also, this is doubly an AU because there is no Dark Lord and Petunia Evans will not marry Vernon Dursley.

A/N2: This is probably the only Lilybashing fic in existence. I haven't checked, but I've been reading fanfiction since early 2000 and I've never seen any.

A/N3: I will put new chapters up as soon as they're written, so don't nag. Also, this will not rise above PG-13 or T, as I cannot bring myself to write hetsmut.

The Slytherin's Guide to Dating

Step Four: Bring a Gift

It was a tidy little house, with a trimmed lawn and well tended flower beds. Severus looked at it with a combination of anxiety and anticipation. Petunia was waiting for him and his father had given him permission to court her only the day before. He nerved himself, grasped the vase in his hand tightly, and knocked on the front door, which was answered by Mrs. Evans.

She looked at him sourly. "Come in. Petunia's upstairs getting ready. Lily and James are in the parlor. Do try not to bother them."

He nodded coldly to her and stepped past her into the foyer. She left, and he waited nervously by the door. After a moment, the parlor door opened and James came out. When he saw Severus, he stormed over and began to yell.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here, Snape? Lily belongs to me, and I won't let you-" He noticed that Severus was ignoring him and looking up the stairs enraptured. James followed his gaze and saw Petunia, in a a tight black wrap-around dress that made her look good. When she saw Severus, her face lit up, and James nearly regretted that he was engaged to Lily. The second she left the last step, Severus stepped forward and kissed her on the cheek. He took the flowers from the side table he'd placed them on and presented them to Petunia.

"I hope you like roses, Petunia. I've put a preserving charm on them, so they should last for quite a while." He dug in his pocket and found the shrunken book he'd put there. Quickly tapping it with his wand to restore its' proper size, he handed it to Petunia. "I know Muggles aren't taught the meanings of flowers, so I brought you a copy of the Language of Flowers. It should be interesting."

"Oh, thank you! I quite like roses. I'll just go put them somewhere safe." She darted into the parlor for a long moment. When she came back, she was blushing profusely. "Infatuation and admiration, Severus? Are you trying to be romantic or do you really mean it?"

"I didn't think that you'd look up what I gave you in the book until afterwards, Petunia. Yes, I really mean it." He was blushing now as well. "I'm sorry if I was being presumptuous."

"No, no, it's perfectly fine. I've just never been given flowers before."

"Most of Petunia's previous boyfriends were not really the romantic type, or even the honorable type." Mr. Evans had emerged from the kitchen with a sandwich in his hand. "I'm glad that you at least seem to be both. You even have a job, which absolutely none of the others had."

"Working, Snape? I thought that you were going to go to Oxford and become a Potions Master."

Severus bristled at James' condescending tone. "Unlike you, Potter, my family is not composed of rich layabouts. We actually work for our livings, and I have to pay for my education. I am going to be working weekends. Speaking of college, where did you say you were going?"

"You know bloo- bludgering well that I'm not." James sputtered.

"Oh yes, that's right. So where are you working?"

"Snape, I'm not working, because unlike your family, mine has more than just two knuts!"

"Oh? A layabout with no prospects engaged to my daughter? I don't think I like that. And a snob as well, which is very nearly worse." Mr. Evans had caught on to the game Severus was playing with James, and had joined in wholeheartedly.

"James, what's taking so long?" Lily poked her head out of the door of the parlor.

"Hello, Lily. I was just discussing this young man's lack of a job or job prospects with him. I'm not certain if I like the idea of someone like him marrying my little girl at all." Mr. Evans looked disapproving.

Lily paled, then turned to James. "No job? What does he mean, no job? You told me you were going to the Auror Academy!"

James looked awkward. "Well, I was accepted conditionally, but then I failed my Potions NEWT and, well..." He trailed off into embarrassed silence.

"Well, this little melodrama has been very amusing, but I really think that Severus and I should go now." Petunia injected crisply. She had been watching with amusement, but was starting to get bored.

"Yes. You two go and have fun, just bring Petunia back by, oh, say five o'clock." Mr. Evans grinned cheerfully at them, then turned to James. "As for you, young man, you and I are going to go have a little talk." His grin had turned somewhat menacing, and James gulped nervously.

Smirking at the look of near terror on James' face, Severus and Petunia walked out the door.