A/N: This is an AU, because a) I like AUs and b) the story I wanted to write wouldn't have been able to happen if it weren't. Also, this is doubly an AU because there is no Dark Lord and Petunia Evans will not marry Vernon Dursley.

A/N2: This is probably the only Lilybashing fic in existence. I haven't checked, but I've been reading fanfiction since early 2000 and I've never seen any.

A/N3: I will put new chapters up as soon as they're written, so don't nag. Also, this will not rise above PG-13 or T, as I cannot bring myself to write hetsmut.

The Slytherin's Guide to Dating

Step Five: Plan and Execute Your Date Carefully

As they walked down the street, Petunia looked at Severus curiously. "Why do you loathe Potter so much? He's obnoxious, yes, but you could just ignore him."

Severus sighed. "It's a long story, but the gist of it is that he was the biggest bully in school and he hates that I stand up to him. He thinks that I should submit like a good little peasant, and the rest of his crew is no better. His family is part of the old pureblood plutocracy, and he thinks I'm inferior for being working class. Absolute bollocks of course, but you'll never persuade him of that."

"Then why is he dating Lily? Dad works in the drill factory and Mum's a housewife." Petunia was puzzled.

"It's because she'll make a fabulous trophy wife and if he marries a Muggleborn then he'll get a reputation of being liberal and progressive. Quite a few of the old guard think that Muggleborns are inferior, and he's probably trying to dissociate himself from them."

Petunia frowned. "So what do they think of Muggles?"

"There are two main schools of thought about Muggles. One is that Muggles need to be protected from magic and the other is that wizards need to be protected from technology. Both of them are firmly separatist. There are a few people who think that Muggles should be integrated into wizard society, but they're rather rare."

"Yes, but do they think we're inferior as well?"

Severus looked awkward for a moment. "Not really. They think that Muggles are extremely dangerous, and they don't think that you're particularly rational, but they don't think that you're inferior. They just think that Muggleborns are a disgusting aberration."

Petunia frowned thoughtfully. "It certainly meshes with my view of Lily. Why do they think we're dangerous and irrational?"

"The Witch Hunts have left a lasting mark on our culture. Most families have at least one ancestor who was hanged or burned at the stake." Severus looked grim. "Let's not talk about this; it's not very pleasant."

Petunia nodded. They were nearly to the park on Magnolia Crescent, and she was vaguely wondering if Severus had arranged a picnic. Then he led her to a small stand of trees in the far end of the park.

"I'm going to Apparate us to London. This will probably feel a bit odd." He wrapped his arm around her waist and concentrated. There was a popping noise, then a moment of icy cold that stole Petunia's breath. They appeared in an alley, and she stared at Severus.

"When you say odd you really mean it, don't you?" Then she grinned. "Never mind. Where are we going?"

"This really wonderful Chinese restaurant called Chef Chang's. You do like Chinese, right?"

Petunia gave him a look. "Who doesn't?"

It was only a block to the restaurant, and once they were there, they were seated immediately.

Petunia peered at the menu. "Would you like to split a Peking Duck with me? It sounds very good, but it's only available as a whole duck."

Severus smiled. "I was about to ask you the same thing. Do you want to split an appetizer as well?"

"Certainly. How about the crab rangoon?"

"That would nice."

They gave the waiter their order, then sat looking awkwardly at each other. They had no idea what they should talk about. Eventually Severus spoke. "Have you read the new Tolkien book?"

"I didn't know that there was a new one. Isn't Tolkien dead?" Petunia was confused.

"He is, but they've just published a book he'd apparently been working on for ages. It's called the Silmarillion. I haven't got a copy yet, the bookshop down the street from me has sold out."

"Bookstores never have what you're looking for. I went to get a copy of Dracula and they didn't keep it in stock. It's a classic, for God's sake." Petunia was indignant.

"It might be a classic, but it's also highly inaccurate. Crosses and holy water are harmless to vampires. I mean, I know of one vampire who's a Catholic priest!"

Petunia's eyes widened in amazement. "Lily never told me vampires are real! What are they like?"

They chatted about Dark creatures for the rest of the time, pausing only when a waiter was near. It was a leisurely lunch, and afterwards the wandered around London windowshopping and chatting. They Apparated home around 4 o'clock, and Severus escorted Petunia to the door.

"When can I come by again?" Severus inquired.

"Oh, anytime. James is here nearly every day, though, so you might want to come before noon, when he usually arrives."

"Thank you for telling me. Where would you like to go next time?"

Petunia gave him a mischievious grin. "Surprise me!" She leaned in and kissed him, then went inside, leaving Severus standing there in shock, a hand on his lips.