Title: What has she got that I don't have?
Author: Inlya
Rating: K+
Summary: After spending a long time with Catherine, Grissom realizes that there is only one person he really wants...
Disclaimer: In my dreams mine... but not in real life. :(
A/N: Ehm... I have never been a big fan of G/C, but I felt that I had to write it. Started as a roleplay, so the idea is partly Sara Sidle Grissom's. Thanks to: her, Petra, Caroline (aka Pookyber or Mariana) for their huge support, I would never have written it without them :) Thanks girls! Please leave a review for me. :)
"Then I guess you want this back..."
The words sounded cold in the lighted room. The woman sat there, on the couch, legs curled up to her chin reached her knees. Her skin looked pale, even more pale than it used to look. Maybe even greyish. Her eyes were filled with tears, though she hadn't cried: her cheeks weren't smudged with black lines. Yet. She shivered, and refused to look at the man, sitting on the chair in front of her. She looked at her left hand and kissed the silver ring she was wearing. Then she closed her eyes and took it off her ring finger. She threw it at him, when it reached the ground, it made a clear metal sound. Then it went quiet. She shook her head."Stupid... stupid... stupid..."
The man bend foreward. "You're not-"
"I am. I should have known that you would always love her. I knew. And still... still I gave myself. I'm so stupid..."
Now, he was sitting on his knees, in front of her. He moved with his hand through her hair, but she shook it away. "Don't touch me..." She whispered, begged him to stop. She turned her head away from him, tried to focus on the white wall next to her. Her lips trembled.
"I knew... I saw it coming... I was too blind to do something... You know? The worst part is... the worst is that I... I still love you..." She touched her own right eyelid to wipe away her tears. She muttered things he couldn't hear, finally found the strength to continue. Still whispering and tarrying, she told him.
"The worst is that I can't hate you... It took me so much time to... love you and now... you're leaving... we're engaged, Gil, we are... were... getting married. I even thought that I was happy, that you... could forget about her. And now... you're telling me that this is 'it', right?"
She stood up from the chair and walked to the window. Putting her hands on the window-frame, she continued talking to him. At least she didn't have to face him in this position, she could just stare at her own reflection. The strong and confident woman she was once had changed into a small creature of misery and sadness. Maybe this little shock of reality changed the sound of her words. Only bitterness was left.
"We went through this. You said to me... no, you promised me that you and her were history, that you loved me, and only me. You showed me, Gil, all the things we did together, does it mean nothing to you? The love we shared, the day you proposed to me... I will never forget that. And now, you're just telling me that it's over? That your love for me never existed, that it has always been and will always be her?"
She sank down on her knees, and started to cry. Nothing was left of her. He was still standing with her chair, but now walked over to her. He kneeled down with her and hold her in his arms.
"Cath, this has nothing to do with you..."
Abruptly, her sobbing stopped. "And with what then? How can't I take this personally? Is it because she is younger? Hotter? Smarter? You just don't like blondes, right? That's it, right? I was just the flavour of the month, only temporally, and now you're back to her. No, now I'm pointing this out wrong. She never was out of your mind, right? Everytime we made love, you imagined that it was her you were fucking, right?"
"Cath, I never meant-"
"Yeah, you never meant to hurt me. That's what you're trying to say, but it hurts, really it hurts. It hurt when Eddie did this to me, when he was cheating, it hurt when I found out that Chris was doing I-don't-know-what with that showgirl. It hurts. Every time it hurts, but with Eddie I saw it coming... really saw it coming and with Chris... I was not almost-getting-married to that guy. I was to you. Have you ever thought of me when you decided this? Ever?"
She stood up and walked to the bedroom. Now she was just mad, it had replaced all of her misery. He placed his hand on her upper arm and turned her towards him. "Cath... please. I... do you think it's easy for me? I... I still love you, it's just that... I just don't think it's enough. She... I realized that... I loved her more... in some way. It has nothing to do with you, believe me. I can understand if you never want to see me again. But please... believe me when I tell you that I never meant to hurt you..."
She looked at him and all of her anger melt away. There she was again, standing like a small girl. The words he said really affected her, and she believed them, either because she wanted to or she really did. She closed her eyes and nodded.
"Where will I go...?"
Her voice was shaking, the lump in her throat was audible. She turned her face to the side and went with her jawbone to her shoulder. He took her in his arms, his left hand on her back, just under her shoulder. His right hand caressed her hair. She was crying out loud right now, interring her face into his shirt, on the place of his clavicle. Her hands laid beside her body; the embrace was coming from only one side. His.
"Shhh, it's going to be fine... you can stay here, if you want to... I'll sleep on the couch, so you can stay in the bed."
She moved her head to the side, cheek to fabric now. "No... I don't want to stay here..."
He moved his hand to her chin and made her look at him. Blue met blue. "I... I'll pay a hotel room for you... you can stay there as long as you need. You and Lindsey. Is that okay?"
She nodded. "Yes..." The close embrace became too much for her to handle, she moved her hands to his shoulders and pushed herself away from him. She loosened herself from his arms and turned around. Bedroom. Clothes. She had to get out here, as soon as she could. She took the door handle and opened the door. She saw the bed, the place they had loved each other so many times. She wanted to fall on it, and sob there until she had no tears anymore, but couldn't stay in the house.
She moved to the closet, opened her part of it and snagged some clothes, not looking at what she really picked. She didn't care: it was not that she wanted to look gorgeous in the next couple of days. Panties. Bras. Shoes. That was all she needed. She took a plastic bag out of the drawer and put all her stuff in it, blinded by the tears that were still coming. How am I going to tell Lindsey...? Her daughter was with friends this night, she was supposed to be brought back tomorrow morning. She would come there, and Catherine won't be there. She searched in her pocket, found the keys and hold them in her hand. She walked to the living room. Grissom was sitting there, staring at the ground. She forced herself not to look at him, dropped her keys on the table and walked away.
She closed the door, not by slamming but by closing it firmly. She walked to the car, tried to open it, then forgot that her keys were still in the house. She cursed herself, then started to walk to the lights of the city. There was no way that she was going back in the house. "Then it will be walking..." When she reached the corner of the street, she knew that this was not going to work. She would be hypothermal before she even reached The Strip. How cold would it be? 30 degrees? Suddenly, she realized how cold she was, only wearing jeans and a tiny top. She took her cell phone out of her pocket and called a taxi.