Side Effects, Chapter 14

And... mission complete.

Kakashi leapt down from the tree with a box containing his latest target; his client was overjoyed, and flung her arms around him.

"Thank you! Thank you so much..."

Now if she was about twice her age, I might appreciate this more. "Not a problem," Kakashi said, and ruffled the little girl's hair.

The girl plucked the box out of his hands, opened it up, and fastened a leash onto the collar of the indignantly squirming kitten inside, then scooped out the kitten and snuggled it close. "Don't you ever go chasing robins like that again, you hear me, Furball?"

"...Furball?" Kakashi echoed, one eyebrow arched.

"Well, she is," the child pointed out with impeccable logic, then looped the kitten's leash around her wrist and looked up at him soberly. "I need to pay you, don't I."

"Yep." He could have said no, of course; he'd been fairly - ahem - 'lucky' last night, 'investigating' a local gambling den, which was full of people who had no idea what a jounin's speed and reflexes were good for. But it wouldn't do for word to get around that he was a complete softie when it came to kids with lost pets... particularly since a lot of those had been coming to find him recently.

The little girl said, "Um... you're Iruka-sensei's husband, and Iruka-sensei's going to have a baby..."

"Yep."

The girl nodded, and with just a bit of reluctance, she took off her backpack and opened it up and brought out a soft, fluffy white stuffed bunny that had obviously been carefully washed and brushed with a new bow tied around its rather older bell.

"Here," she said, bravely. "Mr. Bun is for your baby. ...He's very soft. And he's good at keeping away the monsters under the bed... so... here."

Touched, Kakashi knelt in front of the little girl and ruffled Mr. Bun's ears. "Are you sure about this? I'd be just as happy with a couple gumballs, you know." Gumballs were his usual fee for retrieving lost kittens; he'd acquired a sizable collection of gumballs lately, and tended to use the surplus as bribes for extracting information from various pre-teens. (They also had an assortment of tactical applications, from weighting the noses of paper airplanes to holding explosives in place long enough to get away from the blast radius. Kakashi was nothing if not practical... for a certain distinctively skewed definition of practical.)

But the little girl said with determination, "I'm sure. I'm almost grown up now, you know. I... I can handle the bed monsters by myself... and the baby will need someone to look after it when the bed monsters come out, right? It's still pretty little. I mean, it hasn't even been born yet. That's really little. So the baby needs Mr. Bun more than I do. And... maybe... I can come visit Mr. Bun once in a while after school...?"

"I'm sure that would be fine," Kakashi said. "And if you change your mind later, the gumball offer still stands."

She nodded again, and gave her kitten another good snuggling despite an indignant little mew, and said, "Thank you again, Iruka-sensei's-husband sir."

Kakashi waved cheerfully as she headed down the street, amused despite himself. 'Iruka-sensei's-husband sir,' eh... well, I like the sound of that. But that would explain the sudden rash of preteens with lost pets who've come looking for me lately...

As the summer passed, the various villagers had gotten used to the idea of Kakashi as someone who knew things, someone to be asked about missing things and needed information, rather than someone who just wandered around eavesdropping and taking up space at the local ramen shop. And the bank had been quite appreciative of a couple of his demonstrations of their flaws in security.

And as a private investigator, he felt morally compelled -- Kakashi had recently realized that some carefully chosen moral compulsions made very convenient excuses when they were spun a certain way -- anyway, he was now officially morally compelled to 'investigate' the shadier areas of the village life every so often. Gambling dens and bars were naturally on that list.

The bar patrons had learned fairly quickly that there was nothing he couldn't do with a throwing dart and a dartboard; once in a while, when some poor uninitiated soul wandered into the place, both Kakashi and the regulars could make a fair amount of pocket money with bets about the dartboard.

The gamblers, though, hadn't picked up on Kakashi's talents yet. Kakashi had been quite careful to keep it that way, in fact. Because the secret to cheating well meant not winning all the time -- and in fact, strategically losing games was part of what kept him enthusiastically invited to a lot of their gambling nights, and therefore talked to about all kinds of subjects. Both of the aforementioned side effects were financially valuable, both as a pseudo-gambler and as a private investigator. Kakashi didn't classify himself as a gambler, of course; first, Iruka would have lectured him for a week, and second, it was hardly a gamble when he could control the outcome of any game he wished...

Kakashi had refined his theory of intelligent cheating over many years of practice. He brought a little money with him each week, and commiserated with the men about being on the wife's leash and getting lectured about family responsibility and the changes needed for the baby, and they groaned with him. Kakashi lost a few, won a few, lost a few more, and always ended up with a little more money than he came with -- specifically a little more money; never more than twice whatever amount he'd started the evening with. And he was careful almost never to take a large pot -- not unless there had been several large pots in the evening and others had won them first; and sometimes he had to nudge things to make sure he didn't win the first large pot of the evening.

The consensus among the gamblers was that Kakashi was a henpecked man with an entirely too virtuous wife and an unfortunate burden of responsibility caused by her pregnancy; anyone in that position naturally needed manly distractions from the surfeit of family purity in the rest of his world. He obviously didn't have that much luck or he'd never have gotten her pregnant in the first place; now that she was pregnant, of course, there was nothing to do but put up with it, and come and complain to the rest of the guys once or twice a week. His luck in gambling was considered as boringly average as his luck in his life; and nobody begrudged him winning a little bit, since it seemed like everyone won some and lost some, and Kakashi was never the biggest winner of any given night. (He was quite careful to manage that, too.)

So all in all, they provided him with a carefully managed and steady source of sideline income, a steady source of information, and the occasional beer on the house when the bartender felt too sorry for a man whose wife was such a paragon of all the sweet and pure family virtues.

"She's a pregnant grade school teacher, for the love of God," the bartender had said once, slipping a mug onto the table beside Kakashi's elbow. "It doesn't get any more disgustingly saintly than that, you poor bastard. Don't worry; whenever it gets too sugary to take it for an evening, we're right here for you, man."

And so, 'reassured' that he had the support of the local underworld in the effort to keep his soul suitably tarnished, Kakashi quietly arranged for the gamblers to subsidize his 'investigation' fees in cash, whether or not they quite realized that was what they were doing. He considered their 'informant' fees to be covered by the bets he helpfully redistributed in the direction of anyone whose tips had proven particularly valuable.

And he had the children pay in either gumballs or information. Hatake Kakashi was not a pushover. Not in any sense of the word.

...And the fact that he was walking down the street carrying a fluffy white stuffed bunny that jingled was no impediment to his dignity whatsoever.

Really. No, really.

He had no problem with walking around in public with the cutest bit of little-girly fluff anywhere in a twenty-mile radius, given to him to keep the bed monsters away from his still-unborn child... and anyone who did have a problem with him walking around with the aforementioned bit of fluff would get a swift and painful reeducation.

And besides, Iruka would like it. Iruka didn't have to be sheepish or embarrassed about whether or not he thought it was an extraordinarily sweet gesture from a little girl he barely knew, to offer their child what was clearly a well-loved toy. Iruka could be the sappily delighted one; Kakashi could just stand there and grin at Iruka's reaction; that would work just fine...

When Kakashi walked around the schoolhouse to take a look at the backyard, his first reflex was a quick head count: ...nine, ten, eleven, twelve... thirteen... fourteen, but that one looks like someone's babysitter... fifteen, sixteen... all right, looks accounted for.

Kakashi's summer job had taken them a lot of work and thought to discover. And Kakashi hadn't wanted Iruka to take a summer job, partially to let him rest while he could, and partially to salve his own pride about being able to be the responsible one for a little while. But even that very first Monday after school let out, Megumi and four of her friends had shown up with pencils in hand -- because it was Monday, Megumi informed them gravely -- and Iruka had realized that Monday meant 'the day of seeing how much the baby had grown' to some of his more sentimental students.

And so Iruka took them inside and made them tea, and they carefully traced the shape of the baby's growth on their wall chart, and sat down with their tea to talk. Megumi asked him whether cherry seeds were any good for getting babies from, because her mother said they were but her mother had only had one child so clearly she couldn't be a real authority, and Iruka tried to explain as much as he could about different types of seeds, and it somehow snowballed from there into Iruka spending two or three days a week with several of his schooltime students.

At first it was just called 'visiting,' because Iruka knew that Kakashi was feeling protective and underappreciated, but when the visiting started to become a regular occurrence, several of the mothers got together and argued Iruka into accepting babysitting and tutoring fees -- "honestly, it's a bargain for all of us; you'll have more of a nest egg for your baby, and we can pay you quite nicely while still spending less than we'd have to if every last one of us had to find our own babysitters; and if you feel that guilty you can buy them snacks or something. Here, just take the money and take them!" Megumi's mother had said.

So, every other day, they held summer school, and Iruka worked to find new and different things for his summer school students to do -- something unlike their regular schoolwork, but still educational. One day it might be visiting the bakery to see how Chidori-chan's favorite cookies were made, another day it might be a walk in the park to learn the names of the flowers, another day it might be playacting a bit of history, with the children playing some of their favorite heroes and heroines in the schoolyard. Chidori's elder sister Satori sometimes came to help Iruka ride herd on them in exchange for some of the tutoring fees; as the summer passed, and Iruka's final trimester grew near, their schoolteacher tired more easily, and was grateful for the opportunity to rest a bit in the afternoon.

Fifteen children were a few more than usual, but there was another girl about Satori's age romping with them; Satori looked up from her gaggle of midgets and waved at Kakashi, then let herself be dragged back into the game.

Iruka was curled up half napping in a hammock-like sling chair on the back porch, listening more than watching for anything untoward that needed a teacher's attention; in the relaxed unselfconsciousness of the nearly asleep, he'd managed to drag a floppy hat down over his face rather than atop his head, shading his eyes from the bright afternoon sun. Rather than sitting on the shaded end of the porch, though, he'd deliberately pulled the chair over to the sunny side; the sun's warmth was comforting, Iruka had told him rather shyly once. The baby liked being sun-warm, like a kitten, and the gentle warmth also helped relax and ease the stretched muscles of his gradually ripening belly.

Kakashi stood behind Iruka's chair and held the bunny upside down over his head, so that ear-shaped shadows crept over his face; Iruka made a drowsily perplexed sound, and pulled the hat off, and blinked up at the fluffy bunny face hovering over his.

"...That is unbelievably cute," Iruka said around a yawn, struggling a bit to sit up straighter in the shapeless fabric of the sling-chair. "Where on earth...?"

"Finder's fee for rescuing a kitten," Kakashi said, and plumped the bunny into Iruka's lap; it toppled over to rest against the curve of his abdomen. "His name is Mr. Bun, I'm told."

Iruka chuckled, and snuggled his cheek against the bunny's soft fur. "I thought you ordinarily got paid in gumballs?"

"She insisted," Kakashi said with a shrug. "He's reputed to be a fearsome vanquisher of bed monsters, and I have it on good authority that our baby will require a valiant bed-monster guardian like Mr. Bun here."

"I see..."

There was so much unbridled cuteness rampaging around that Kakashi couldn't help himself. He sat on his heels beside Iruka's chair and rubbed his fingertips lightly over the baby-fullness, 'tickling' the baby with a little flare of chakra, and asked, "How about it, you in there? Does Mr. Bun look fearsome enough for you?"

The baby pushed against Kakashi's fingers, almost like a puppy asking to play; smiling in delight, Iruka placed a tanned hand over his lover's paler one, and murmured, "She knows her father's touch."

"Of course he does," Kakashi replied, grinning. "I can make myself a tangible nuisance to anyone, anywhere, anytime."

Iruka rolled his eyes, and said to Mr. Bun, "I suppose that probably is the first thing you'll need to learn about life on duty in this household..."

Satori and her friend were trying to herd the squealing children inside for some lemonade and some rest; 'try' was, of course, the operative word, since several of them had spotted Mr. Bun and were producing shrieks of delight in such piercingly high voices that they approached the supersonic range. Iruka traded a rueful look with Kakashi, and began to struggle his way out of the comfortable but rather awkwardly deep sling-chair.

"Let's go inside with Satori-san and Emiko-san, and I'll introduce all of you to Mr. Bun with our lemonade, all right...?"

Kakashi slipped his arms around Iruka's growing waistline and lifted straight up, and Iruka yelped in astonishment as he found himself standing in Kakashi's embrace with Mr. Bun between them; Kakashi kissed his cheek pertly, because nobody could be expected to resist an opportunity like that, and so while Iruka blushed and stammered and clung to Mr. Bun for support, Kakashi flicked a hand at the giggling horde of midgets.

"Go on, inside, the lot of you."

In fairly short order, they fed and watered the herd and put them out to pasture for the day -- that was Kakashi's phrase; Iruka called it "an afternoon snack before sending the children home", and glared at Kakashi for his phrase, although Satori-san bit her lip to keep from laughing her appreciation too loudly. As she and her friend sat on the front porch to put their shoes back on, she smiled up at Iruka.

"If you'd like some extra help in the afternoons this fall too, Emiko and I are happy for some pocket money! This is pretty fun, as part time jobs go. You always think of things to do that get the kids all excited, Iruka-sensei."

Kakashi said helpfully, "I've thought of another adventure you can take them on, too. Paddling in the pond -- it's shallow this time of year, and it's hot enough that they'll like splashing around in the water."

"That sounds great!" Satori said, grinning. "A summer job that includes hanging out on the beach too? Count me in!"

"I'm sure they'll love that idea," Iruka agreed, smiling up at Kakashi. "We'll just need to make sure they bring swim-... oh." And his face fell immediately; but for Satori's sake he tried to brighten up again. "Bring swimsuits! And if you could bring another friend to help supervise-- I mean, I won't be able to go in with you..."

"Why not? Emiko asked.

Iruka tugged at the drape of his maternity blouse; despite the way it was designed to fall loosely from the shoulders and the bustline, concealing as much as possible, lately there was a slight bulge visible when it rested a certain way. "I... don't have anything to wear..."

"Ah, but you see, I've been thinking ahead!" Kakashi proclaimed, and pulled a bikini out of his pocket.

"...Kakashi!" Iruka gasped, absolutely scandalized.

Emiko giggled; Satori said, "You know, Iruka-sensei, he's got a point! No fabric in the middle to be too snug; a bikini's a great idea..."

Blushing bright crimson, Iruka stammered, "But... I... I'm... --I couldn't, I just couldn't..."

"Like I said, why not?" Emiko asked with a smile. "I'm sure it'd feel refreshing for you too, playing in the water with the kids -- August is so humid..."

Iruka buried his face in both hands, unable to explain any further.

With a rueful little sigh, Satori stood up and looked Iruka up and down, then reached over and patted the little bulge of the blouse, so that the fabric rested more closely against the baby-mound. "Don't be ashamed of your shape, Iruka-sensei," she said. "It's perfectly natural to be getting rounder now. The kids are delighted! You know they are. And they'll be terribly disappointed if you won't come in and play with them!"

"But..."

"Listen," Satori said. "All right, maybe a bikini's too embarrassing. I mean, I can understand some people are too shy for them even when they aren't pregnant. But you can wear a yukata over it or something, and come and splash around just like the rest of us. And the harvest festival is this weekend, and I'm expecting to see you there in a pretty dress, and not tugging at the front of it to try to hide your tummy! Understood?"

"But... I..." Iruka bit his lip, then looked away, and then murmured, "I understand; you're very kind and accepting, Satori-san. But..."

"Then it's settled!" Satori said happily. "Kakashi-san, should I come by tomorrow and help Iruka-sensei go shopping for a nice party dress?"

"Sounds like a plan to me," Kakashi said, one arm around Iruka's hips to keep him from bolting for the stairs in shame. "See you then!"

After the girls had left, Iruka pulled away from Kakashi's arm quite sharply, shaking with frustrated humiliation. "...You did that in public, on purpose, so that I couldn't say no--"

"Of course I did," Kakashi replied lightly. "You flinch away from me whenever I tell you how sexy you are; I needed some character witnesses!"

"I'm nearly six months pregnant," Iruka said, tugging at the blouse again. "I'm not physically attractive right now and I know it, and I don't appreciate being maneuvered into flaunting my gracelessness in public--"

"You are attractive right now," Kakashi said. "And you'll be just as attractive when you're big enough to burst. If not more so, since there'll be more of you for me to drool over! Haven't you noticed how hard it is for me to keep my hands off you?"

Iruka turned away, one palm flat against the wall, and said in an undertone, "You're both an incorrigible lecher and biased on my behalf. And I wouldn't be surprised if you thought a telephone pole was attractive. Standing there naked all the time, you know..."

"Hmm, hadn't thought of that one," Kakashi mused, rubbing his chin. "I'll have to take a better look... --Iruka, love, don't pull away. I mean it. I swear to you, you're breathtaking like this. Pregnancy is one of the sexiest things on the planet."

Iruka struggled for a moment, caught between the certainty that he was walking into a trap and the sudden shamed need for reassurance that his body wasn't as repulsive as he feared. "Honestly...?" he whispered.

"Of course!" Kakashi said, all self-righteous confidence.

Iruka would have been much happier if he'd just left it there. Unfortunately, Kakashi felt the need to explain his reasoning.

"Pregnancy is obviously the sexiest thing a woman can do," Kakashi said. "Because pregnancy is absolute, inarguable, in-your face blatant proof that some lucky man has gotten himself laid!"

"Kakashi!"

"Tell me I'm wrong," he said, slipping both arms around Iruka's waist to smooth the gown beneath the curve of his belly. "Tell me a pregnant woman's belly doesn't scream 'I had sex!' to anyone with eyes."

"To me it says 'I'm having a child,' you pervert!"

"And the only way to get one of those is...?"

Iruka groaned aloud, struggling against the intimacy of Kakashi's touch, but his hold was both gentle and immovable. "Why does everything lead back to sex with you...?"

"Why have you become ashamed of the way your body is ripening with our child?" Kakashi replied, quite seriously. "You didn't tug at your dresses a month ago."

Iruka sighed. "It's... awkward, right now. I've gotten big enough that people can see that I'm heavy, but... not so big that it's unmistakably pregnancy, not yet... and... it's embarrassing, when I think about strangers looking at me and seeing... this; seeing that I'm so heavy, but not knowing for certain... I'm their  children's teacher, I want to be sure that I make a good impression, and when I'm not sure what impression I give them right now..."

"That's all?" Kakashi asked.

"What do you mean, that's all? Isn't that enough?"

"But you don't have to worry about not being big enough to notice," Kakashi said, mirth thick in his voice. "Trust me. Women gain most of the weight in the third trimester. You'll definitely get to be big enough to notice at a glance, I promise you that."

Iruka gulped a little, and said in a small voice, "I know. It'll be easier when I'm... more distended. When there's nothing else it could be; when anyone who looks at me knows immediately... --It's just that right now, it's... just an awkward stage... sort of halfway along; sometimes strangers stare at me in the village lately, trying to decide about the bulge, and I wish that either it didn't show at all or that it was obvious already..."

Kakashi considered for a moment, head tipped to one side. "Well, if you want some camouflage for a little longer, until you bulge some more -- you could always make those bigger," he suggested, nodding toward Iruka's chest.

"Don't be absurd."

"You were the one talking about making a good impression," Kakashi said, far too helpfully. "Those make great impressions on a lot of men. That's why Naruto came up with sexy-no-jutsu in the first place."

"Don't try to justify your perversion with Naruto's jutsu, either!" With a sigh, Iruka said, "Because I know he's very nearly as perverted as you are, and I shudder to think what he's been getting into with neither of us around to keep an eye on him for more than half a year already."

"Eight to one odds says he's been getting into Sasuke. Or Sasuke's been getting into him, one of the two," Kakashi said. "Although Sakura-chan might have had a thing or two to do about both of them..."

"You-- you-- auugh!"

Grinning, Kakashi let the back of his knuckles run down the hollow of Iruka's back at the place which always ached. "I notice you're not taking the bet. Come on upstairs. I want to show you something."

Reluctantly, Iruka followed Kakashi up to their room, and stood where Kakashi placed him in front of the mirror. With a sigh, Iruka tried to straighten the bow in the scarf he'd tied around the knot of his ponytail; somehow, he'd never mastered Sakura's art of making hair arrangements stay put.

Kakashi reached over and picked up the scarf's mate and a couple of clips, then busied himself with the back of Iruka's top, drawing the fabric snug at a certain point and clipping and tying it into place.

Iruka realized exactly how much the fabric was now stretched taut over both the cleavage and the top of the belly-bulge, and turned to give Kakashi a piece of his mind; Kakashi stilled him mid-turn with playful but firm hands on his hips, and said, "Look."

Despite himself, Iruka glanced sideways -- and then felt his face burning; with both the milk-heavy breasts and the rise of a swelling belly clearly limned by the fabric, he looked... pregnant. Clearly, noticeably pregnant, rather than just oddly bulging and overweight.

"...See, if we just put you in skin-tight stuff, everybody will know immediately -- or else like I said, the bikini shows off everything! Yep, I think you should definitely wear bikinis for the next three months--"

"Kakashi--"

"That and a sign which says 'Look but don't touch,' just so all the rest of the lechers wandering around this town know you're mine and all they can do is envy me," Kakashi said quite contentedly, rubbing a little circle below the dimple of Iruka's navel.

"Kakashi, you--"

"No need to thank me," he said grandly. "It takes a special set of eyes to see things like this."

Despite himself, Iruka felt a grin tugging at the corner of his lips. "A special set of eyes well honed by years of practice at seeing everything as a potential sex object?"

"I'm still learning, of course," Kakashi replied. "It's a skill that takes a lifetime to truly master. But you've got remarkably good instincts yourself; I'd never thought of telephone poles that way. The symbolism is rather obvious, though--"

"That's enough, Kakashi," Iruka said. "The joke can stop there, thanks..."

"--No, seriously. Twenty-foot-high poles of hardwood sticking straight up all over every town in existence? And running the power supply of the country? How do people not see the symbolism in that? I'm ashamed to call myself a semiprofessional pervert, getting to be my age without noticing--"

"There are plenty of other reasons you could be ashamed to call yourself a semiprofessional pervert, you know," Iruka replied with half-lidded eyes.

"So we're agreed?" Kakashi asked, blithely ignoring that last comment.

Warily, Iruka said, "Agreed about what?"

"You'll wear the bikini and the sign--"

"Only in your dreams, you lech--"

"--or at least go to the swimming pond with the kids because you just know how devastated they'll be if you don't...?"

Struggling with himself, Iruka said, "I refuse to let you guilt-trip me about my students in order to get your kicks watching me in a bikini! For heaven's sake, what do I do if Satoshi-san and her friends ask me to come with them to a hot spring? They're girls, and I'm... well... pretending to be a woman, and there's no reason they'd suspect, and I can't explain, and--"

"What do you mean, what do you do? You go with them and thank the gods for the opportunity of a lifetime! The best time to take advantage of anybody is when they don't suspect a thing, of course! In fact, hell, that's an excellent idea by itself, now I almost wish I had studied when Naruto was teaching--"

Iruka drove an elbow straight back into Kakashi's stomach. "You even try it and I'll string you up by the toenails over a pit of fire ants and paint you with orange juice!"

"So the acid burns after the ants have crawled up to get at the sugar?" Kakashi asked from across the room, grinning as an elbowed pillow bounced to the floor. "That's quite creative. Who'd you first think it up for? Naruto or his little fan club?"

"That one's all for you, honey," Iruka growled.

"So anyway, you'll go to the pond in something, right? I'd hate to have to tie you up and drag you there kicking and screaming, you know. Not very good for the professional respectability, a scene like that."

"I'll go to the pond in something modest," Iruka said, arms crossed.

With a blissful sigh, Kakashi said, "You know, actually that's even better. So I can watch how the fabric changes texture and gets translucent and starts clinging to your body as the water slides over your--"

"Kakashi!"

Kakashi wagged a finger at him impishly. "Mustn't get yourself too riled up, you know. You've got to think of the baby--"

The pillow shot across the room and bounced off the wall half an inch from where his head used to be.

"--And you've got to save your strength for a long day of shopping tomorrow, too. Remember, you can't disappoint Satori-chan!"

"I'm going to get you for this," Iruka muttered.

"If you want to practice the orange juice painting tonight, I'm sure I can free some time in my schedule," Kakashi offered. "Of course, it'll lack a little something without the fire ants, but I'm sure I can provide suitable enticement for you to take a couple of nibbles of your own."

"Oh, I'm sure you can," Iruka agreed far too tranquilly. "In fact, I'm sure you already have." I wonder if human teeth can break the skin at the throat enough to get at the jugular vein, just for example...