"Okay, Rita, if you want to keep your secret well hidden there are things in which I need you to do for me."
Hermione was sitting in the booth of the Three Broomsticks talking in hushed tones to an irritable Rita Skeeter. Rita wasn't dressed as luxurious as she usually was but that was because she was under a lot of stress to keep her secret of being an illegal animagus. Hermione felt that this was a pleasant change for she thought that, donned in her usual apparel, Rita looked like a five-dollar prostitute. Of course she never said that to her face. Rita rolled her eyes at the thought of what Hermione would make her do but she reluctantly leaned forward to catch every word.
"Now," Hermione began with a look of complete relish, " I need you to submit every story I give you, WITHOUT changing a single word. Even if there is something in there that you may find...unpleasant."
Rita's eyes widened. The thought of her reputation being ruined was probably her greatest fear.
"I thought," Rita began in a voice that was dripping with dislike, "I did this already last year. I already wrote what Harry told me to write and it all worked out. Why do you still need me?"
Hermione grinned. "Oh I don't need that sort of thing anymore Rita. What I need this time is payback."
Rita gulped but all the while was staring at Hermione with complete curiosity.
"What kind of payback are we talking about?" she asked.
"Payback for the horrible filth that you wrote about Harry! It's not like I'm paying you back directly though. I'm just using your name to get the stories that I write published."
"Exactly how are you going to accomplish that?" she said with a scowl.
"I already told you. I'm going to give you a story about somebody, probably twice a week or more, and you'll get the story published in the Quibbler. I personally think that we should attack somebody small and not quite as important for a first victim. The we'll get to the really big and important people."
Hermione's eyes were glinting maliciously. Rita thought that she looked somewhat psychotic.
"Why should I do this if you are just going to ruin my reputation anyway?"
"Ruin your reputation? Are you joking? You weren't so hesitant to reveal everything to the Daily Prophet."
"That's just it. Why does it have to be published in the Quibbler? That magazine is for slightly odd people, written by slightly odd people."
"Well I think it's safe to say that we won't be able to publish what I want to write about in the Daily Prophet. They'd throw it away."
"And what about the readers? Not many people read the Quibbler."
"Oh don't worry about that. I'm going to spread it all over the school and if all goes well with my connections, I'll have them flying all over the ministry as well."
"You are a wicked, dirty, sneaky..."
"Not another word or I yell a rat, or perhaps a beetle."
Rita silenced herself immediately. Hermione smiled. "Very well then, I think this meeting is adjourned. Oh and one more thing, you may also take stories from Harry and Ron. And remember, do not change one word."
She made a swift slicing motion with her finger across her neck. Rita got the picture.
"Here's the first story," she said, handing a small pile of parchment to Rita, "written by yours truly."
Rita snorted, Hermione pretended not to hear.
"It's rather short so you should be done with it by tonight," she said as she gathered her things and prepared to leave, "until next time."
She waved and left the Three Broomsticks leaving Rita alone with many mixed feelings and an outrageous story to print.
The next morning, Hermione sat at the breakfast table in the great hall awaiting the morning post. She was very fidgety and hardly touched her breakfast.
"Uh, Hermione?" asked Ron as he leaned over towards her so that he could whisper, "do you need to use the lavatory?"
"No I don't need to use the lavatory, I'm just a little excited."
"Well can you stop? People are starting to stare."
Ron was right. A lot of people were watching her little jig with concerned looks. She smiled at her nosy classmates and ceased her fidgeting.
"Are you going to eat that Hermione?" Harry said from across the table, eyeing her untouched plate greedily.
"Go ahead."
Harry grabbed her plate and started shoveling down her food like a mini garbage disposal.
"You hungry, mate?" Ron asked, noticeably disgusted.
Harry said something that sounded like "Ulf" and continued to wolf down his food.
Hermione sighed as she watched Harry make a complete fool of himself and wondered if seeking revenge for him was going to be worth it.
"So Hermione," said Ron, prying his eyes away from Harry the hog, "what are you so excited about?"
Hermione leaned in closely as not to be overheard, "I gave Rita the story last night."
Ron looked slightly confused for a minute and then it dawned on him, "Oh. You're finished with the first story already. We were only just talking about it. I wasn't even sure that you were actually going to go through with it."
Hermione's face fell, "What do you mean you weren't sure? You practically wet yourself with excitement about this idea."
"I know but you could get in some serious trouble with this."
"I can not and I will not, Ronald Weasley and if you back out of this now I will be very unhappy about it."
"All right, all right," said Ron in fear for his life, "whom did you write about?"
"It's a surprise," said Hermione with a wicked grin.
"Hermione, has anyone ever told you that you look really creepy when you're up to no good?"
Hermione was about to respond when she heard the sound that was always associated with the arrival of the morning post. She practically screamed with enjoyment as the owls came swooping down throughout the hall.
While mostly everyone who received their mail only got one owl, Hermione got about ten of them, all of which were carrying a rather large bundle of what was unmistakably newspaper. Hermione screamed with delight as owls touched down in front of her all of which were in a scramble to deliver their package first. Hermione paid each owl and then ripped open the first copy of the Quibbler that she could lay a hand on. A lot of people in the hall were staring at Hermione again without much luck as she was now surrounded by copy upon copy of the Quibbler. She flipped through the paper, skimming each page quickly to locate her story when she finally found it on the fourth page.
A large picture of Draco Malfoy, dressed in what looked like a wedding dress and holding up a rather large flobberworm, grinned maliciously out at the viewer. The picture moved to show him kissing and smiling at the ugly, glutinous creature in his hand. (Hermione had of course taken this picture with Colin Creevy's camera and bewitched it to make it look the way it did. It was originally a picture of Malfoy in his school uniform making rude faces at the flobberworm.) Immediately following the amusing picture was the article with a bold headline that read:
Draco Malfoy Weds a Flobberworm
Magnificent was the only word to describe the glorious ceremony in which Draco Malfoy and a flobberworm that once belonged to Hogwarts gamekeeper, Rubeus Hagrid, were joined in love and holy matrimony. Never before has an event involving such diverse company been accomplished in the present day. The wedding was held semi-privately just inside the Forbidden Forest but was welcome to all prying eyes. We luckily got an interview with the blushing bride, Draco Malfoy shortly after the ceremony.
"I am truly pleased that I have found such a wonderful life partner who has so much in common with myself."
Malfoy pauses momentarily to kiss his newlywed and continues on.
"We will be attending our honeymoon in the forbidden forest and we are planning on having a rather large family."
Although the ceremony was mainly private, we also found some people who were more than glad to give us an interview. We spoke with the enchanting and exhaustingly beautiful Hermione Granger who had this to say.
"Draco Malfoy has always been a prat in my eyes, but after what he did in the name of uniting wizard and magical creature by marrying this flobberworm, he will always have a place in my heart. I wish them both good luck."
We also spoke with the gamekeeper in which we mentioned earlier, the man who introduced the two.
"Well, I always knew that there were sparks between them two, but I never thought it would go this far. He told me when he first laid eyes on that flobberworm that it was love at first sight and I believed him." Hagrid wipes a tear from his eye as he tells this beautiful story.
As for the two newlyweds, they are still living happily, although semi-secretly, together. So if you happen to see either one on your daily travels, wish them good luck and a long happy life together.
Hermione read the article over and over several times to check that it was word for word and when she satisfied she handed copies to Ron and Harry.
"Turn to page four," she said with a large satisfied grin on her face.
They both opened the papers and as their eyes traveled further down the page, their grins grew wider and wider. Eventually, Harry started to laugh rather loudly as Ron choked on the pumpkin juice that he had just taken a sip of. Hermione started laughing as well and the whole Great Hall was now staring them.
Hermione suddenly jumped on top of her seat and shouted, "Anybody want a copy? Only seven sickles!"
Seeing Harry and Ron in complete delight, almost everybody rushed over to grab a copy of the Quibbler. Pretty soon, the whole hall was ringing with laughter. People were rolling on the floor, spitting out their drinks, and doubling over with hilarity. Hermione felt extremely accomplished and suggested that they make a break for it before it got too rowdy. They all left the Great Hall just as Malfoy got a hold of a copy.
"Wait Hermione I wanted to see his reaction," shouted Ron who was still laughing rather hard.
"Oh we'll see his reaction," she said with a sinister grin as they left for their first class, "don't worry, if all goes according to plan then people will be talking about this for weeks."