It's all Greek to me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't you wish you were me? I know I do"
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DisChickDogsDaFuzzyDude – No worries, if you want to do a Hercules parody, go ahead. Yeah, I picked on the Sunspot, but chose Sam for the whole 'farm-boy' thing. But I have no problem with you doing one too if you so wish. I think there's another Evo Beauty and the Beast parody floating around out there too, apart from my own.
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ACT 2 - A Heavenly Home
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We open on Mt Humili...I mean (ahem) on Mt Olympus, rising up and up and up, until we get to the top, where various characters dessed as God's are chattering in a party. We go to where Mystique.
"Why me?", whines Mystique
"Because you had a relationship with Sabertooth", said Evan with a shrug, "...plus she has a limited number of women to work with"
"...Great", mutters Mystique.
Where was I? Oh yes, where Mystique is bouncing Sam.. who has currently been made into a baby
"It's better than the evil potion", says Sam, then pauses, "except that the evil potion was in a parody that hasn't been re-written yet, duh, Todd Fan"
Shut up, Samuel.
"Be a baby!", snapped Evan
Sam glares at Evan before gabbling happily, yoinking Mystique's crown off her head
"That's mine you flea bitten little...", she hisses
"You're a good mother here", reminds Evan, "..hard to believe, I know, but do try"
"Samuel", Smiled Mystique through gritted teeth, "Behave yourself"
A little cloud crib appears, which Mystique puts Sam in. Sabertooth walks over with a grin.
"King of the Gods", he says, "booohyah!"
"Why can't you people get off the ego bandwaggon and act!", snaps Evan
"Oh, look at this, look how cute he is...", grins Sabes.
Sabertooth waggles his finger at baby Sam, as Sam grabs his index finger
"Hah! Oh, he's strong!", he says, "Like his Dad, hmm?"
We see Sam, through the use of various special effects, is indeed strong, strong enough to lift Sabertooth over the crib. We suddenly see Kurt, wearing a snazzy pair of winged sandels, zipping through the 'Gods'.
"Vhoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming through!", he says, "Excuse me one side, Piotr"
He zips up to Mystique, handing her a bunch of flowers
"I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry", chants Mystique, "Ahem. Why, Kurt, they're lovely"
"Yeah, you know, I had Gambit do the arrangement", he says, "Isn't that too nutty?"
His little sandles fly him up to Sabertooth
"Fabulous party, you know", says Kurt, "I haven't seen this much love in a room since Pietro discovered himself!"
We see Pietro, looking at himself in a mirror making kissy faces, wearing a pendant with 'Me' written on it
"It's funny because it's TRUE!", giggles Pietro, "who's a handsome devil? You are!"
Baby Sam, meanwhile, has gotten hold of one of Sabertooth's 'lightening rods'
"Dear, keep those away from the baby", says Mystique, "ugh, I haven't called you 'Dear' for years"
"Oh, he won't hurt himself", says Sabertooth, "Let the kid have a little fun!"
"That's what you said about Graydon and 'Risk'", says Mystique, "and look what happened to him!" (1)
Baby Sam attempts to eat the rod, getting frazzled in the process. He throws it away with a pain squeal, making Gods leap out of it's path, before X23 gives it a good WHACK with her claws, it hits a cloud pillar, the pillar reforming instantly. Sabertooth winces, before addressing the party.
"Oh, on behalf of my son, I want to thank you all for your wonderful gifts"
We see a pile of various interesting looking gifts
"What about our gift", Mystique shudders, "...dear?"
Sabertooth ponders this for a moment, forming some clouds into a shape.
"Well, let's see here.. we'll take, hmm, yes, a little cirrus, and, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus, and a dash of cumulus", he mutters, as the cloud turns into a little horse with wings
"His name is Jottern, and he's all yours, son", smiles Sabertooth.
"And it's back to being the horse", mutters Scott from the horse head.
"It's a curse, I tell you", says Jean from the horse's butt, "a CURSE!"
"Why do I have to be stuck between you two freaks?", asks Warren form the middle.
"Well, the horse has to have wings", says Evan, "and, hey, guess what, you have wings!"
"I hate Todd Fan", mutters Warren.
Baby Sam bonks baby Jottern on the head, leaving a slightly dazed prop horse.
"I'm the dazed one", snaps Scott, "I'M THE HEAD!"
Baby Jottern and baby Sam hug, making the Gods sigh. Sabertooth takes this opportunity to hold his 'son'.
"Mind his head", says Mystique.
"I know", growls Sabertooth, "I've had a baby before, remember?"
"I'd rather forget", mutters Mystique.
"He's so tiny", smiles Sabertooth, "My boy. My little Samuel"
He tucks baby Sam, sucking on a little medalion around his neck, into his cloud crib, when there is a voice on the other side of the room.
"How sentimental"
"...It was the fire.. wasn't it?", asks Evan.
Yup. Pyro comes out of the darkness, his hair now a blue flame, thanks to our special effects team.
"You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!", he grins, "Huh?"
He waits for an applause, only getting stern looks. He sighs, moving through the Gods.
"So is this an audience or a mosaic?", he asks, "Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress".
Sabertooth pulls him into a bear hug
"Meep", squeaks Pyro.
"So Pyro, you finally made it", grins Sabertooth, "How are things in the underworld?"
Pyro takes Sabertooth's hand off his shoulder
"Well, they're just fine, you know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead people", says Pyro, "What are you gonna do?"
He notices Sam, heading over
"Ah! There's the little sunspot", he smirks.
"You called?", asks Roberto.
"No", says Evan.
"...Oh...okay.", Roberto mopes off, "I'll just keep standing here...being Apollo"
"Little smootchie", says Pyro, "And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh?"
He creates a spiked sucker out of some dark cloud, moving to put it in baby Sam's mouth, only to have baby Sam crush his finger
"...Mother", whimpers Pyro, pulling his finger free, watching it bend in an unnatural way, "Sheesh! uh, powerful little tyke..isn' he?"
Sabertooth gives Pyro another hug
"Did someone give this guy happy drugs or something?", he asks.
Evan whistles innocently.
"...Maybe"
"Come on, Pyro", grins Sabertooth, "don't be such a stiff, join the celebration!"
Pyro manages to wriggle free out of the hug
"Hey, love to, babe, but unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regrettably have a full-time gig You, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Sabes, So.. can't", he says, "Love to, but can't"
"You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death", Sabertooth pauses at his accidental pun, ".. Hah! work yourself to death!"
The other Gods instantly start to laugh...even if it really isn't all that funny. Sabes laughs more, sitting back in a cloud chair
"Oh, I kill myself", he giggles.
"If only, if only...", mutters Pyro, narrowing his eyes as he walks away.
We go back to the muses, standing by another vase, showing a stairway from Olympus down to the Underworld
"If there's one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Pyro", says Rogue
"'Cause he had an evil plan", says Kitty.
The scene changes to Pyro being carted across the river Styx, the muses singing coming in the background, as Dani starts to sing in low key, New Orleans Funeral style.
He ran the Underworld
But
thought the dead were dull and uncouth.
He
was as mean as ruthless
A couple of souls rise up from the Styx, clinging to Pyro's toga, he shoots a fireball at them, tossing them back in, then blowing the smoke from his finger, as Dani continues her song.
And that's the gospel truth
He had a plan to shake things up
We see a gigantic shadow, at which Pyro tosses a slab of meat at. It turns out to be Rahne, now Cerberus, her three heads scrap over the piece of meat as Pyro floats past.
"Meat, meat, meat!", chant the Rahnes.
And that's the gospel truth!, sings Dani.
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(1) – For those that don't know the comics, Graydon Creed is Saberooth and Mystique's human lovechild, leader of the Friends of Humanity and hater of mutants everywhere.
Ahh, the Gods, such fun. Hermes was always my favourite. Groovy, Babe! Do review. Until next time...