Side Effects, Chapter 19
ChibiRisu-chan (sweatdropping as she looks around at the scattered collection of dead bodies left in various spots among the last few chapters' reviews): ...err... ehehehe... (scratching behind the ears) sorry 'bout that, folks...?
Chibi-Iruka (shooting nervous looks at grouchy!Chibi-Sasuke still hanging onto his arm): Psst. Hey. Do something about this already!
(grouchy!Chibi-Sasuke transfers his glare to ChibiRisu-chan, who goes a few shades paler and steps back hastily.)
ChibiRisu-chan (to Chibi-Iruka as she edges behind the nearest large rock): How should I know what to do with him? You're his teacher; you figure it out!
Chibi-Iruka: ME? Why me? Aren't I going through enough already?
ChibiRisu-chan: Because Kakashi thought fast enough to dump him on you, that's why! (looks like he didn't want to deal with it either...)
Chibi-Iruka: But you're the one writing this!
ChibiRisu-chan: (more sweatdrops) I don't know if I'd say "writing" as much as "observing in fascinated horror and typing as fast as I can..." (looking nervously over her shoulder to see whether another wave of antivirus-insane 80-to-120-hour work weeks is coming in a tidal wave, and hoping she can get a chunk of the way through this before getting inundated again...) Anyway, you guys are main characters! It's always main characters' job to suffer, or else there's no tension, which means there's nothing to resolve, which means there's no plot; so the more miserable, squirmy, and uncomfortable I make you, the better it works for keeping the story going, right?
grouchy!Chibi-Sasuke: ...I hate her.
Chibi-Iruka: Good, at least that's one point we agree on. Always nice to find common ground for a starting place...
Sasuke held Iruka's arm through the entire walk back to the schoolhouse, silent as a stone. Iruka was too embarrassed to protest further, not wanting to intrude too much on the young man's likely humiliation at being given an order which was so patronizing for them both; Kakashi was going to have to work very hard to apologize his way back into their bedroom after this one...
The shadow of the schoolhouse at the end of the road was almost a beacon of hope for Iruka. As he opened the door and turned on the lights, he found himself chattering again without even realizing what he was doing.
"It's a nice place -- we, er, had to do some sudden remodeling earlier this year, so the kitchen's brand new, and there are two rooms upstairs; we'd been using one for our bedroom and one for an office, except the office is sort of being taken over by nursery things obviously -- in any case, hmm... if we move the crib and things into our bedroom, there should be room for a futon for Sakura-kun, and if we turn the downstairs living room into another bedroom with two futon-- the classroom here takes most of the room downstairs, of course, but I think a sliding door to the living room would divide it off--"
"Don't bother," Sasuke said.
Iruka blinked. "Aren't you staying? I thought that we were being assigned to teach Naruto discretion -- I mean, that task is going to take some time..."
"That task is going to take years," Sasuke replied, rolling his eyes. "I meant don't bother yourself. We have tents."
"I'm not going to make you sleep in the woods when there's a perfectly good roof right here!"
"Don't worry about us," Sasuke said with a sigh. "Being sent here is our punishment. There's no reason it should become your punishment too. Besides, I'm sure you and he want... privacy..."
Iruka hesitated at something in Sasuke's voice, and looked at him more closely. "Sasuke-kun -- I don't mean to upset you, but we need to talk about some things."
His face tightened as though he'd bitten into a lemon, and he said, "Yes, I heard the 'suggestion'. But you also got told to rest. Sit down. I'll make tea."
"But..."
"Sit down, Iruka-sensei," Sasuke said, glowering. "I'm not going to try to explain to the rest of them if you collapse again while under my supervision."
"I understand," Iruka said, as gently as he could, fighting back an indulgent smile that the moody young man wouldn't have taken well. "I just want to change clothes. I'll be right back, and I'll sit down, so that you won't feel you're neglecting your assigned responsibility for me. All right?"
His face tinged faintly pink with embarrassment, Sasuke looked away and said, "Fine. The kitchen's in the back, right?" And he headed toward the back of the schoolhouse without waiting for a reply.
Iruka hurried up the stairs and dug through the closet, looking for the most concealing clothing he could find. The maternity overalls were a good start -- he needed some gender-neutral, high-collared shirt to go under it, and Kakashi's certainly wouldn't fit. In the end he pulled one of his oldest T-shirts on, and rolled it up a bit so that it wouldn't be stretched so snugly over the baby-bulge. Then he ran into the bathroom, cupped water in his hands from the sink, and started scrubbing his face clean as quickly as he could.
The pins were pulled out of his hair as fast as he could manage, with a silent apology to Satori; scrubbing his face dry on a towel, he hesitated for a minute, looking at a couple of rolls of bandages in the linen closet.
If I wrapped them around my stomach tightly... just for tonight, just until he gets used to the thought...?
...no. I'm not going to risk something that might hurt the baby or make it uncomfortable. Besides... I'm only going to get bigger; he's going to have to deal with that one way or another...His hastily-unbound hair was a thoroughly untamed mess of disarranged ex-curls and sticking-out ends and previously-pinned-up bends in odd places; with a groan, Iruka shoved his head under the sink and turned both taps on, then pulled his head out dripping and scrubbed the towel over it hastily and started to drag a comb through the mess.
"Iruka-sensei?" Sasuke called.
"I'm fine! I'll be right there--" He wavered for a moment, then dashed back into the bedroom and grabbed a jacket and threw it on, taking a quick look in the mirror to see if it did what he hoped.
...Still visibly rounded, of course. There was simply no escaping the fact that his waistline had grown since the last time Sasuke had seen him. The overalls just cradled the lower part of his belly's curve rather than the top of it. But at least it wasn't that much unlike any overweight workman in overalls -- and with the jacket to try to camouflage his profile, and if he stayed sitting behind the table or something -- it would have to do.
Iruka grabbed a tie to finish his hair with, and hurried downstairs still fighting to get the comb through the tangled mess. Dragging all of it up to the top of his head, the tie temporarily held between his teeth, Iruka mumbled, "Shee? I'n fiin', no prollem..."
"Sit," Sasuke said sternly, pointing at a chair. "I heard you running around up there. You're not supposed to do that."
Halfway between embarrassed and amused, Iruka hastily finished his tie and sat down where indicated. "It's kind of you to be so concerned, but I'm really not that far along yet, Sasuke-kun."
Sasuke turned back to the teapot, his shoulders stiff. A minute later, he murmured, "You didn't have to do that."
"Do what...?"
"...Change. You didn't have to change just for me."
"Believe me, I was glad to get out of the shoes," Iruka said quickly, both hands up.
Sasuke turned again at that, with fierce eyes. "It's the end of August. There's no way you're wearing that jacket as anything other than camouflage. And there's nothing to camouflage yourself against, except me..."
"It's not an 'against,'" Iruka replied, quiet-voiced. "I just thought... it might be more comfortable for you, if I looked... more familiar."
"You didn't have to do that," Sasuke said again, unhappily. "If you liked the dress, you should have worn it, no matter what I think. It's none of my business."
Iruka leaned both elbows on the table, fingertips to his temples, trying hard to feel his way to a safe path through the secretive corners and shadows in Sasuke's mind. A path that would let him speak the truth, not hurt the boy, and not be taken for patronizing lies -- Sasuke was simply... difficult. Naruto's headlong, thoughtless forthrightness was simple in comparison -- one simply had to learn how not to get blown away by the effects of a human tornado; as long as you kept your feet on the ground and knew when and how to put a leash on that unbridled energy, Naruto was simple to deal with. Sasuke was... complex, with too many layers of pain that could be touched by accident, and too much rigidly self-controlled secrecy to let anyone know when a touch caused pain...
"It's a perfectly good dress," Iruka said, choosing each word with great care. "It's difficult to find maternity clothes that don't make the wearer look like some horribly redecorated melon. But I'm honestly much more comfortable in this. On the other hand, I did choose this rather than something else because it's as masculine as this type of clothing can possibly get... and as you observed, the jacket is entirely for camouflage. Would you feel more comfortable if I left it on, or if I took it off?"
"The point is that it's none of my business! Wear what you want to wear."
After a moment's contemplation, Iruka took off the jacket and hung it on the back of the chair. "All right," he said. "You're right. I shouldn't have tried to disguise my condition when I don't know whether that's actually what's upset you. But if I'm going to stop guessing, then you're going to have to explain at least a little."
"...It's nothing."
Iruka glared at the back of his head, with his best teacher-gaze to lend weight to it. "That is the worst lie I've heard all year, Sasuke-kun. And that includes time spent with Kakashi."
"It's not your problem, it's mine," Sasuke said, taking the teapot off the stove and making himself far too busy with what should have been a fairly simple act of pouring into two mugs.
"It is my problem if the current circumstances upset you too much even to meet my eyes," Iruka said.
Sasuke froze motionless; then he set the teapot down, and took a careful breath, and brought both mugs to the table... making a far too concerted effort to look Iruka straight in the face. But he simply couldn't maintain it, despite his formidable force of will -- or stubbornness. Sipping at the tea gave Sasuke an excuse to stare down at the tabletop again.
"I'm sorry," Iruka said.
That brought Sasuke's eyes back to his for a moment, fiercely. "Don't apologize. I told you, it's my problem. I'll deal with it myself." Then he looked away again, and dug a hand through his hair, and picked up the mug, staring into it as though the tea leaves in the bottom really could foretell the future.
Iruka sighed, and took a careful sip of his tea; it was perfectly brewed, a clear, delicate spring-green that almost tasted of the sunlight the plants had flourished beneath. Whatever nervous fidgeting Sasuke had done with the brewing process, it was clearly worth it.
"The tea is wonderful," he murmured. "Thank you."
Sasuke shrugged a little, more a twitch of one shoulder than anything.
Iruka took another sip of the tea, to try to buy another moment to gather his nerve and his scattered thoughts, and to place a few more well-chosen silent curses on Kakashi's head. Then he deliberately set his cup down, and Sasuke flinched just from the sound of it: that distinct sound of yes, I'm serious about this that any teacher learned to express with anything hitting a desk. Pens, mugs, a pile of tests, anything at all... he hadn't actually meant to set this on a teacher-student level, since Sasuke hadn't been one of his students for years. But it was better than denials and noncommunication; Iruka was fairly certain that something in Sasuke still reacted to the sound of unspoken authority. It was a pity neither Kakashi nor Naruto had ever developed that reflex...
"Sasuke-kun," he said, choosing his words almost as though he were addressing a difficult student's parent at a conference. "I understand that such personal matters can be awkward to discuss, and that you are by nature a perceptive, very private, and fiercely self-controlled young man. You are among the finest students it's ever been my privilege to teach, and I'm just as proud of the person you have become since then. That's why it's so difficult for me to watch you like this -- walking away without even touching your food after a long day's travel, watching you flinch from looking at me..."
"It's my problem," Sasuke said, almost desperately.
"It's our problem," Iruka replied. "Because if you'll just tell me a little more about why you're upset, I can try to find ways to help you become less uncomfortable with the situation."
Sasuke didn't reply, other than to bury his face in both hands.
After a moment's consideration, Iruka decided this was a good thing, since the boy hadn't gotten up and stormed out again. So he took a careful breath and set both hands on the table and tried another angle to cracking the shell of Sasuke's knotted misery.
"Is it about Kakashi and me? Our relationship? Or is it just about my condition?"
No response beyond a small shudder, but no bolting for the door either. Iruka felt a bit like a bomb-defusing specialist, clipping one cable at a time and waiting with held breath to see if he died in a bloody explosion a moment later.
"If it's the two of us -- we can be discreet, I promise. We're both shinobi; we understand when discretion is ...helpful. For several years, we've managed to be fairly private in a village full of other ninja, after all..."
"That's not it," Sasuke choked.
All right, progress. Unfortunately, that only leaves one option... Iruka sighed deeply, and said, "Thank you. That does make the difficulty more clear."
"It's not--"
"It's all right," Iruka said, quietly. "I do understand how this must have been a shock to you. It was a shock for me, and I've had months to get used to the idea; no one ever guessed Naruto's jutsu might have side effects like this."
It was harder to discuss this than he'd expected; Iruka could feel the traitorous heat in his face, the aggravating blush a too-evident testimony to his own discomfort. He cleared his throat a little, and murmured, "I'm sure you understand that there's a -- practical limit on what I can do for concealment. Particularly as time passes. But I promise I'll do what I can to... mask the extent of it, so that it's easier to mistake for overweight; I'm sorry if you find it -- unnatural, or repulsive, but..."
"That's not it at all!" Sasuke burst out. "That has nothing to do with it-- Iruka-sensei, I don't understand. I'm trying to understand, I'm trying to be smarter than the idiot, but damn it, I don't understand at all -- how? How could you--?"
Iruka's blush redoubled itself. "I... er... I'm a little fuzzy on that part myself; I don't intend to get into details, but it was a... considerable surprise..."
"No," Sasuke said, intensely. "That's got nothing to do with it. Or at least, that's the least part of it. How can you do something like this? You're a shinobi, but not a strong one. You're smart enough to know that. And you're not an overemotional fool like Naruto. So how can you risk it--?"
Sasuke stopped short, pushed his chair back, and started pacing a tight circle around the kitchen. "Hostages are a liability," he said raggedly. "Even strangers' children can be hostages. And hostages you love are far more vulnerable."
It hurt a little, to hear it stated so boldly; Iruka took an unsteady breath. "I know," he said. "I do understand that my baby could become a hostage, because of what Kakashi is, or because of what Konoha is. So could anyone's child, unfortunately. It's a cold fact of the world. But there's nothing I can do to change it."
"You could have aborted it," Sasuke said.
Shaken, Iruka cupped a hand to his belly in a reflexive defense against the mere thought. "...That possibility never even crossed my mind. Sasuke-kun -- from the moment I understood what was happening, I've never been anything other than thrilled."
"But you're not strong enough," Sasuke said, "and he's not responsible enough! It's bad enough that the two of you can be used against each other -- how can you bear a child knowing it will be the first target anyone strikes at? You're a teacher, not a warrior. He's gone most of the time -- and he's so... He's a perverted, infuriating, irresponsible, headstrong, overconfident -- I don't even understand what someone like you could see in someone like him!"
"Sasuke-kun--"
"I'm serious," the boy said, both hands so tightly fisted the knuckles were white. "You've never been an idiot. Never. That's the piece that doesn't fit. You're serious and responsible and hardworking and you do the best you can with whatever you're given, whether it's children to teach or a headstrong idiot to keep in line -- you're better than this! Better than him. He's stronger, but strength is just enough to get you killed unless you're cautious enough know when not to stick your neck out -- and he does that too damned much! He talks about ninja ideals, but he never lives up to them -- he gets too emotionally involved, he cares too much. Anyone who knows him can use that against him. Anyone. And for the love of God, he's not even remotely civilized--"
"Sasuke-kun, what are you asking me?" Iruka said, by then completely bewildered. "Are you asking why I love Kakashi, or why I love Naruto?"
Sasuke's head went back as though he'd been slapped; wild-eyed, he shot back, "Kakashi-sensei, of course! Who could love that -- that -- loudmouthed, brainless, dead-last--"
"It's not that difficult," Iruka said, with a wry, crooked grin. "It's not difficult to love either of them, really. For utterly different reasons, of course. I know they're both infuriating in their own specialized ways. Believe me, I know. Naruto wouldn't know subtlety if you wrote it on a brick and beat him over the head with it, and Kakashi would have to dissect and triple-examine the brick to make sure that the surface message was all there was to it..."
"Isn't that my point?" Sasuke growled.
"I suppose it could be taken that way, yes But really, despite it all -- to me, I can't understand how anyone could not love them," Iruka said, rueful and gentle. "Particularly after enough time to get to know the truth behind their facades. They're astonishingly alike in many ways."
"Kakashi-sensei is a genius," Sasuke said stiffly. "Infuriating and lazy and perverted, but a genius. Naruto is... Naruto's about as far from a genius as it's possible to get without actually talking to zucchini or something!"
"I'll grant that Kakashi uses infinitely more intellectual calculation before he goes ahead and does the stupid thing that could get himself killed," Iruka admitted with a sigh. "And then there's his unbelievably twisted sense of humor, as opposed to Naruto's complete lack of forethought or calculation about anything... but other than that, really, they're a lot alike. And I find them both truly admirable. The courage, and the compassion -- and that incredible capacity for loyalty and devotion to those they've chosen to care for, no matter what the odds..."
"Are you talking about them or about yourself?" Sasuke asked, his eyes shadowed.
"About them, of course! They're both fearless, and I'm anything but," Iruka said with a laugh. "Naruto is too straightforward to notice most of the fear in the world, and Kakashi just dodges it about as neatly as he dodges responsibility; all I can do is watch them and try not to cover my eyes in horror too often."
"That didn't stop you from taking a twenty-pound shuriken in the spine for Naruto's sake," Sasuke said under his breath. "Everything that moron knows about how to be an admirable person, he's learned from you."
"That's not true," Iruka said. "It took him a while to get over the desperation for attention, but he's grown up quite a bit since he painted the Hokages' faces. He's a good person all on his own, Sasuke-kun, really."
"But you're the one whom he looked up to all his life," the boy retorted. "You're the one he wanted to impress. If he'd fixated on Kakashi-sensei, or God forbid Jiraiya-sensei, by now he'd be a porn-reading pathological liar with a lot worse things in his repertoire than sexy-no-jutsu! But they're not the ones who left the greatest impression on what he's become. You are."
Blushing a little despite himself, Iruka said, "I'm flattered that you think so, but--"
"You're the one who taught him the things he really learned the best," Sasuke insisted, stormy-eyed. "You fed him your compassion with every bowl of that ramen.You taught him loyalty by being the only person in the world who believed in him. You taught him that stupid stubborn courage every day in class, teaching lessons he thought he'd never learn, struggling to become better than he ever thought he could. --And the problem is you taught him too damn well for his intellectual capacity!" the boy added, sounding quite annoyed.
"That's a little harsh, Sasuke-kun," Iruka said, lips twitching with the effort not to laugh, because it wouldn't be fair to either of them if he did.
"Fear is a survival mechanism! You've got the intelligence to be afraid when the situation calls for it. He doesn't! He just charges right on through... and Kakashi-sensei's worse because he does know better and he still charges into it! How can you love someone like that? Knowing he's going to get himself hurt if he keeps this up, but knowing it won't be him anymore if he ever changes..." Sasuke stopped himself short again, and turned away, shaking.
After a moment's hesitation, Iruka stood to walk over beside him quietly. If it had been Naruto standing there on the verge of tears of frustration and bewilderment, he would simply have taken the boy into his arms and let him cry. Sasuke was different, but he hoped that an adult presence nearby would still remind him of the way parents cared for their anguished children.
"Sasuke-kun... love is always a risk." With one hand resting on his rounding belly, Iruka added, "The consequences of some risks are more unexpected than others, of course. But I believe love is always worth the risk."
"Love isn't just a risk; it's a weakness," Sasuke replied, head bent. "And I need to be strong, to defeat my brother. I've worked so hard to be stronger, learning to endure it by myself, no matter what the world throws at me -- I don't have enough strength to spare for loving people. You're not as strong as I am; how do you bear it? I couldn't bear the constant fear for everyone around me -- but you care about every single student who's ever passed through your hands. You make them hostages when you love them, and you leave yourself open for pain, and I know you. You push your classes so hard because you grieve for every one of your students who've died. How can you bear it? I'm stronger than you, and I can't even afford that kind of weakness--"
"But it's not a weakness. In a way, love is the only strength I have," Iruka said. Daring greatly, he reached over to stroke the boy's dark hair; Sasuke shivered, but didn't pull away.
"Sasuke-kun, I'm certain that in a fight you could wipe the floor with me any day of the week," he murmured. "But if someone I loved was depending on me, I'd get up and come back. If I'd been the only person I was protecting, I probably would have laid down and died when that shuriken hit me -- but Naruto needed me, and so I couldn't surrender then. The people I love are the source of my strength. And it's terrifying, but it's also wonderful..."
"But it never lasts!" Sasuke cried out. " If Kakashi-sensei goes off and gets himself killed because of that fixation on not letting his comrades die, where does that leave you? One of these days he's going to pay for it; and with his child to care for, you'll pay for it too! It never lasts -- they always leave, they always die, and then you're alone with nothing but the memories of what it used to be like -- being happy, having someone who cared about you -- and it's worse than if you never knew what happiness was at all--"
Iruka's hands reacted before his conscious mind caught up with the reflex; he caught the boy by the shoulders, pulled him close enough to hold, and was cradling him gently in both arms with his cheek nestled against his hair before he remembered, This is Uchiha Sasuke, not Naruto! If you startle him too much, he could take your hand off at the wrist before he even realized what he was doing...
Fortunately, Sasuke seemed to be as stunned by the gesture as Iruka was to find himself making it; he stood rigid and trembling in the circle of Iruka's arms, struggling just to breathe without letting himself sob.
With one careful hand rubbing at the knot of tension between the boy's shoulderblades, Iruka said, "I should never have left you alone for so long. None of us should have."
"It's not your problem--"
"It should have been," Iruka replied, eyes closed. "I never stopped to think. I thought you were all right, you see. The village hates Naruto, but they love you -- at least, the idea of you -- all the girls who want to be the mother of the resurrected Uchiha clan's heirs, all the parents who ask why their children can't be as hard-working and gifted as you and Neji and the other prodigies... but at the end of the day, you were still alone. I should never have left you alone. I shouldn't have listened when you said you were fine..."
"I am fine," Sasuke whispered, both hands fisted at his sides. "I was a child, and ignorant. I was too young to realize that people always die no matter how much you love them -- but I'm old enough to understand that now. I'm fine by myself. I have to be fine by myself--"
"No, you don't!" Iruka shot back, catching Sasuke's chin and glaring down into furious black eyes. "No one should have to live like that. No one can live like that. Not you, not Naruto, not anyone... I never wanted to hear you say that you have nothing left but memories of what it was like to be loved and happy! Everyone needs someone to rely on-- I should have told you more often that Kakashi and I are there for you. Until you could believe that not everyone who cares about you will be taken away--"
"You're too naive," Sasuke said. "You care too much. About everyone. How can you--?"
"And you're too bitter, and too badly hurt," Iruka replied. "I suppose that means I'll just have to stick around and balance you out with a good stiff dose of family smothering every so often, doesn't it?"
"Don't worry about me!" Sasuke threw back fiercely, struggling free of Iruka's hold. "I'll be fine. I don't want to be something else for you to worry about-- damn it, I knew I shouldn't have said anything to start with--"
Iruka held up two empty, unthreatening hands, and said, "It's all right. I won't push."
"Don't worry about me either," Sasuke repeated, standing a few feet away, tense enough to bolt. "Don't upset yourself. I don't need it. I'm not worth it. You shouldn't care so much."
"That's not true," Iruka said, and then held up his hands again at the way Sasuke shifted as though about to run. "I'm not pushing. I'm just saying that it's not as difficult as you think for someone to care about you."
"But it's you saying that, Iruka-sensei," Sasuke said, with a tired sigh. "You're not rational about things like this. Asking you not to hurt yourself worrying is like asking Kakashi-sensei to be on time for a meeting... one with lots of bureaucracy in it. It just isn't in you..."
"I'm not that bad!" Iruka protested.
Sasuke looked utterly unconvinced.
With a sigh, one hand faintly rubbing against his side, Iruka said, "In any case, I'm glad you did let us talk about this, Sasuke-kun, really. Because... it's silly and petty of me, I know, but... it's a comfort to know that I'm not... disgusting to you."
A shadow shifted behind the boy's dark eyes, just a flicker of something half-hidden and unreadable. In a low voice, he responded, "You could never be disgusting to me."
Iruka blinked, and then blinked again, startled by the undercurrent in his voice.
A moment later, more sharply, as though recalling himself, Sasuke glared and said, "Sit down. You're supposed to be resting."
A little sheepish, Iruka murmured, "I'd really rather not, if you don't mind."
"But you're supposed to--"
"I know, I know," Iruka said hastily. "It's just that... I'm getting kicked at the moment; I think that used to be my liver before it became the baby's punching bag, and sometimes if I stand up and walk around a little she'll settle down..."
Iruka hadn't realized it was possible for someone that pale to turn three shades paler. "Maybe you should sit down, though?" he suggested, trying not to sound too concerned, because of the boy's bristling, defensive reaction to the thought of someone worrying about him.
"I don't understand," Sasuke whispered. "How can you stand it?"
"...What?"
Haltingly, struggling with each word, the boy said, "You're... I know you're weaker than I am... but... you do things like this, you do things that hurt; you walk around loving people, getting hurt for it, getting like this, and you still smile as though you're happy..."
"But I am happy!" Iruka said, surprised. "And -- honestly, most of the time, it doesn't hurt that much."
"How could it not? I can see how it's draining your energy reserves, and even just the physicality of it... the way it strains your body. The way the weight drags at your back, even. And being... being stretched like that, tight and full and getting fuller, all the time, without a rest--"
"It's not like that. I mean... well, in a way it is, but..." He could feel his embarrassment showing in his face. "The... the increase... it's not like pulling on your skin, it doesn't hurt like that; it's gentler, and... --Would you mind giving me your hand, Sasuke-kun?"
After a moment's hesitation, the boy held out his hand; Iruka placed it atop the soft, well-worn denim of the maternity overalls, and pressed their hands carefully into the ripening mound of his abdomen.
"There, feel that?" Iruka asked, smiling down at the contrast between his dusky, tanned hands and Sasuke's porcelain-fair one. "Women's bodies adapt. There's... a bit of cushioning; it's not just that the womb's growth stretches the mother's belly. I've gained more weight than just the baby; you can feel it. And the womb isn't so taut and snug as you might think. The baby floats inside a cushion of fluids, to shield her if the mother would fall or be struck in the abdomen, so that the womb is softer than it would be if the child filled it completely. Later on there's less room for the fluid, and it does become more firm and full; but I'm just beginning the final trimester, and somehow there's still room for the baby to turn somersaults inside me. That's always quite a surprise to feel..."
Iruka glanced up to see if the explanation was any sort of comfort to the boy's concerns for his pain, and then he yelped. Sasuke's face had gone almost ashen, and he was swaying on his feet.
"Sasuke-kun! Chair -- you -- I mean -- sit down--!" Iruka half-dragged the boy over to the kitchen table, folded him into a chair, and put his head down on the table for him, then sat on his heels at Sasuke's side and started chattering. "I'm sorry -- are you all right? I didn't mean -- I've got too many teacher's reflexes, that's all -- should I get you a glass of water? I'll be right back--"
Sasuke caught his wrist and held on, breathing very, very carefully with his head still on the table to keep from passing out. "...relax...! Iruka-sensei, you twit..."
"Too much information, wasn't it," Iruka said, apologetic. "I'm sorry, I really am."
Sasuke managed a faint, pale shake of his head, and tried cautiously to sit up a little. "...Somersaults...? Gah... how do you keep anything down...?"
"Small meals fairly often," Iruka admitted. "Everything's getting crowded inside, including my stomach."
"...I can imagine." He closed his eyes for a minute, breathing carefully, but a small almost-whimper made it past his stoic attempt at gathering his shattered pride: "...somersaults...?!"
"That's usually Kakashi's fault," Iruka said with a sigh.
"Kakashi-sensei's? --How...?"
"He likes to tickle the baby. Touching her with little chakra-flares. I can't tell if she's delighted or miserable, but she always reacts quite... vigorously." Iruka hesitated, and then said a little shyly, "I'd... wanted to 'introduce' you too, but... if the thought of it makes you feel faint, never mind..."
"I wasn't fainting!" Sasuke protested, a purely knee-jerk reflex accompanied by a ferocious scowl and an even more ferocious blush.
Iruka bit his lip to keep from smiling; apparently Kakashi and Naruto weren't the only lousy liars in the group. Unfortunately, Sasuke noticed the crinkle at the corners of his eyes, and repeated at the top of his lungs, "I wasn't!"
And so nothing would salve Sasuke's injured pride but having Iruka teach him how to touch the baby like Kakashi did. Fighting to keep a straight face, Iruka set his palm against Sasuke's stomach.
"It's like a strike in that you focus the energy outside yourself, but much gentler, much more controlled -- a caress rather than a punch. Like healing, almost, except that there's no damage to mend. You feel for her energy points and touch them, warm them... like this..."
When Iruka touched the chakra-point behind Sasuke's navel and sent a pulse of warm energy into it, the boy dumped his chair over backwards with the reflexive lurch back, and scrambled away on hands and heels: "Gyaaahhh--!"
Despite his best efforts, despite both hands shoved over his mouth, Iruka couldn't help bursting into laughter.
"...Dammit, that tickled, that's all!" Sasuke picked himself up, righted the chair, and sat in it in order to glare down more imposingly. "You -- I can't believe you! You actually taught me that, like you'd let me touch your baby that way!"
"Why wouldn't I?"
Sasuke's eyes tightened, and he looked away, one hand creeping up to touch his throat. "...I'm not going to taint an unborn child's soul with the shadow of what I am."
"You are not Orochimaru, and you are not going to taint anything when you touch someone," Iruka said fiercely. "You are yourself. Just like Naruto isn't the demon fox; he is himself. I plan to introduce both of your teammates to the baby too; I have every confidence in your ability to be appropriately gentle, and she loves being touched by our energy whether or not we 'tickle' her while we're at it. Just the connection is enough for her to feel you, with or without the flare behind it. Give me your hand."
"Iruka-sensei--"
Iruka stood and held out his hand, a silent imperative backed up by the best teacher-glare he could muster. Sasuke had natural advantages in the solemn-broody-glowering area, but he hadn't had nearly as many years to refine the technique; after a moment of silent struggle, the boy surrendered, and placed his hand in Iruka's.
Settling his weight on the edge of the table carefully, Iruka brought Sasuke's trembling hand to rest against his belly again. He placed his hand over the boy's, and pressed gently but firmly; they could both feel the ripple of pressure when he took a breath to speak.
"Little one, this is your almost-uncle Sasuke," Iruka murmured. "You'll meet some more almost-aunts and uncles later; Sasuke-kun's just a bit shy, that's all." He looked up at Sasuke's dark, haunted eyes, and reached up to stroke the boy's hair almost despite himself. "It's all right," he said. "I trust you."
"...I don't trust myself."
"Too bad," Iruka replied lightly. "You're not going anywhere until you've said a proper hello to my daughter."
"Daughter...?"
"I think it'll be a girl. Kakashi thinks a boy. We don't have that many months left to wait and wonder, though; it'll work itself out. So are you going to introduce yourself at any point before I go into labor?"
It took a visible effort; Sasuke braced himself, swallowing convulsively, and took a deep, shaky breath, and blew it all out. Then he closed his eyes and reached, trembling with the effort to restrain as much of his strength as possible, to touch the unborn child's life-energy as lightly as the flicker of a butterfly's wing.
"Hello," he whispered. "Don't be afraid. Please don't be--"
The baby pushed against his palm, hard; Sasuke jerked his hand away as though he'd been burned, and then turned anguished dark eyes up to his teacher. "It-- she--"
"That wasn't a 'go away,' Sasuke-kun," Iruka said with a rueful smile, reclaiming the boy's trembling hand to curve it against the place where the baby had pushed. "She likes you. She likes your touch. New people are always exciting, you see."
Sasuke stared down at their entwined hands; the baby did seem to recognize his touch, nudging his palm again with a little patter of kicks. Then he stared up at Iruka, unable to speak.
"I'd imagine it's something to do with Kakashi's games," Iruka said, fondly exasperated. "We've never heard of an unborn child being so responsive to the touch of different chakra, particularly this early in the last trimester. But I'd imagine she first learned to tell the two of us apart because I settle her down rather than tickling her, and she's clearly a playful little thing -- of course, she's Kakashi's child. But I'm sure it's been dull for her, floating inside with nothing to do, and so she's delighted when someone notices her and says hello."
When he lifted his face toward Iruka, Sasuke's eyes glittered far too brightly, with the trembling of fiercely-fought-back, unshed tears of grief... or of rage.
"Why?" he choked. "How can you bring a child into a world like this one? So totally unprepared for it...? I never thought you were so selfish, or so cruel!"
"Sasuke-kun...?"
"How can you do this to someone else, without even asking? Daughter or son, you know what will happen to that innocent little thing so happily pushing at our hands! Expected to be a ninja, like it or not; taught either to kill without remorse or to be mocked as weak -- and mocked for what the two of you are, and for the nature of its birth -- you know how the village is!" he snapped. "So many times, I've wished I'd never been born! I wish he'd just killed me with the rest of--"
In shock, Iruka reached for him again, a blind reflex from years of being able to comfort Naruto with a hug and a good hair-scruffling and a bowl of steaming hot ramen; but this was Sasuke, who'd already been given more caring human contact in one evening than his aloof and isolated soul could bear.
And it finally pushed him over the edge. Sasuke ducked away from Iruka's hand as though it burned, and dashed through the front door.
For the first time, Iruka could have cursed his increasing child-heaviness, because he couldn't chase Sasuke down like this; all he could do was to stand on the porch staring out into the darkness, and hope the boy might still be listening: "Sasuke-kun? Sasuke-kun, I'm sorry! Come back -- please, come back; I didn't mean to upset you -- I didn't want it to go this way-- please..."
He stood watching and listening for far longer than was reasonable, straining his senses for any hint of direction, even -- but Sasuke was a past master at hiding whatever he didn't want to be seen, whether emotion or his entire self.
Finally, even Iruka had to surrender the hope that the boy might wander back on his own. Leaning heavily against the doorframe, he fought back the urge to beat his head against the wood, instead forcing himself to go back inside and to close the door calmly and still leave everything on its hinges.
Dammit. Dammit, Kakashi, you trusted me too much. I was terrified I'd screw this up somehow, and now -- damn it all... damn you, Kakashi; you knew I never understood him the way you do; you'd just have stood there being silent at each other and it would all have sorted itself out in that yeah-we're-inscrutable thing the two of you do, and he'd still be here... dammit!
Iruka drove a fist straight into the wall just to relieve the frustration, and stalked back into the kitchen to start a mad spree of vicious dishwashing. It was either that or try to hunt the boy down after dark in an unfamiliar area surrounded by completely unknown forest creatures, followed shortly thereafter by at least a solid month and a half of lectures from Kakashi and all three of the students... and so the dishes were in for the scouring of the century.
The dishes didn't outlast his frustration, his concern, and his need to keep his hands busy with something other than kunai and a garrotte and plans for agonizing and lethal traps around their bedroom door and window in case Kakashi ever suffered from the misguided delusion that he would be setting foot in it again without several days or weeks of groveling.
So Iruka followed the dishes with dusting every horizontal surface available, cleaning the blackboard until it was glossy and dark and almost too clean to touch with chalk, reorganizing the children's kanji on the walls, setting out materials for the next two solid weeks of lesson plans, and finally storming back upstairs to the office.
The crib would stay, naturally, but for anyone else to sleep in the room, the desk and bookshelves had to go; Iruka sat down and started shoveling books into boxes, dragged them into the bedroom, and left them stacked on top of Kakashi's half of the futon, then glared down at the solid weight of the desk.
The least Sasuke-kun could have done would've been to help me clean this place up for them before he went off in his huff...The desk had to move first, though; the bookshelves would need to be wedged into place around it, and no one else was home, and knowing Kakashi and Naruto in combination, it would be far too late to start rearranging the room for guests by the time they returned. Still, a twinge of concern tugged at the corner of his mind: don't strain yourself too much, idiot. You can't fall, you can't set off labor this much too early, she'd never survive being born now...
Iruka took all the drawers out of the desk and stacked them in the corner, then studied the edge of the desk carefully, and took a deep breath, and got a secure grip on either side. Knees bent, don't pull with the back -- or the stomach muscles, especially not now -- let my weight move it and if it won't move, it can wait--
Iruka braced himself and heaved at the desk; it slid quite nicely, several feet across the floor, and it was a good thing he was getting his feet back underneath himself when the outraged voice shouted in through the window.
"Don't DO that! What do you think you're doing?!"
Sasuke's head was hanging upside down past the edge of the window, like the world's largest and crankiest bat. The boy flipped in through the window with a quick catch at the frame, landed in the middle of the room, and turned his glare on Iruka right-side-up this time, scowling like a little thundercloud: "You could have hurt yourself! You could have hurt the baby! I swear I don't understand a damn thing about what goes through your mind--"
"None of you could sleep in here with both the crib and the desk," Iruka said.
"So you wait for one of us to come back!"
"Yes, well -- what were you waiting for, hanging around outside that window?"
"It was my responsibility to keep an eye on you, to keep you safe," Sasuke retorted, acidic. "Damned good thing I did, too. Nobody mentioned that it would be hard to keep you safe from yourself and your redecorating impulses--"
Iruka couldn't help a small chuckle; Sasuke nearly hit the roof.
"It's not funny! Do you know what you could have done? The baby--"
"I know," Iruka said, still smiling. "I was being careful. And I would have stopped if anything hurt. But without the drawers it's lighter than it looks; I'm glad you decided to 'drop in,' the weight's not so bad but it's awkward to manage alone--"
"You are not moving that desk!"
"But Sakura-kun needs a place to sleep, and if she can sleep in here, then the two of you can sleep in the living room--"
"You are not moving that desk," Sasuke said again. "I'll do it myself. By myself."
"Thank you for the offer, Sasuke-kun, but I'm sure you don't weigh enough to--" Iruka stopped short, startled by the Sharingan's crimson bleeding into the darkness of his eyes.
"You are NOT moving that desk!" Sasuke snarled -- and proceeded to lift it by himself. He all but threw it into the other room as Iruka stared; the desk was followed swiftly by the bookcases, and then Sasuke shut the door to the bedroom and leaned on it and turned a furious red-eyed glare on his teacher.
"There's floor space, lay out a futon and she'll be fine. Happy now?"
"Yes, very," Iruka said, mildly. "And you know, Sasuke-kun, we never did finish that wonderful tea you made. Shall I go warm some more water?"
"I'll go heat the water." The blood-red Sharingan pattern was fading from his irises, but Sasuke still looked distinctly irritated. "I'll make tea. I'll give you a whole damn tea ceremony if it means you'll go downstairs and sit down and rest and NOT take it into your head to start moving furniture by yourself!"
"Just the tea will be fine," Iruka said, struggling not to grin too much.
Sasuke nodded stiffly. "Go on, then. Go. Sit. Put your feet up. And don't move. Understood?"
"Yes, sir," Iruka said, putting fingertips over his lips because he knew he was losing the battle with the grin.
Sasuke made a skeptical sound and stalked down the stairs, all but visibly seething; Iruka followed him dutifully, still grinning to himself, and he stopped to gather up a collection of his students' papers from the desk in the schoolroom.
From the kitchen, Sasuke called, "You've got no business in there! There's nowhere to rest. Living room. Sofa. Feet up. I'm counting to ten."
"Right, right," Iruka said hastily, and brought his purloined pile of homework into the living room to settle himself into the sofa as ordered. There was time enough to argue the peremptory tone and the overprotectiveness later; at the moment, it was good enough that Sasuke was actually back in the house and talking. Barking orders did necessarily involve talking, after all... and the rest could wait until after the tea and the homework.
Right. Grading for a couple of hours. Kakashi should be home by then. And I can dump the rest of the Sasuke-time-bomb-defusing project in his lap with no warning and see how he deals with it. Yes, that sounds like quite a worthwhile use of the rest of the evening...
quick author's note: FF.net's offline at the moment, so I can't check names, but for the reviewer who guessed about the towel racks: ^__^ You have Iruka's answer, come up with after many hours of frustrated head-scratching and several blushes, while wondering if there might be any more perverted options that Kakashi could have thought of, and being unable to imagine a more perverted option that also makes any kind of physiological sense. When asked, however, Kakashi looks smug and says "My sweet innocent. Remind me to introduce you to the way I take showers sometime..." (Note that I'm not saying you and Iruka are necessarily wrong -- just that that's how Kakashi always answers the question. Yes, there's a story there, and I strongly doubt it'd end up rated PG 13. I just have to get time (and the nerve ^^;;) to write it... ^_~)