Side Effects, Chapter 21
High speed emergency edit, 4-28-05: According to the new "no quotations accepted at all under any circumstances" policy, the karaoke content of this chapter is now grounds for banning me from the site, no "fair use" arguments accepted, as per the email I just got back from an admin:
"It doesn't matter. If you didn't write it, you can't post it. The onlyexception would be public domain works such as shakespeare, mark twain, and etc, of which you can use/reuse/quote to your heart's content."
I know the Bottles of Beer song is public domain but I'm having to yank everything else. I don't know whether I'll be allowed to edit this or not because I'm already under at least temporary blockade, but I have to try, because otherwise I may get banned completely...
I'll have to try to repost this chapter somewhere else where it can be readable and make some kind of link indication later...
One cultural note: In Japan, if you sneeze when you don't have a cold, they say someone's talking about you. And oh yeah -- I didn't make up any of the lyrics cited below; they're all real songs! Citations at the end to keep from revealing my hand too soon...
Now, hazard alert: Rantage in effect up front. I may repost this chapter later without the rantage when I've had some time to recuperate, but right now I just have to get this off my chest.
If you're NOT responsible for the hair-tearing "update now kthxbye" reviews and email I've been getting, go ahead and skip down to the story, and you have my eternal gratitude for showing comprehension of the realities of life. And compassion for someone who's overworked to the point of screaming. If you left a comment that's not just "update now already", I seriously thank you. It's been a sanity-helper to read reviews that talk about your reactions to things, or even just reviews that express some kind of understanding for the situation I'm in at the moment.
But I literally walked away from my computer for four hours today after reading the last couple little "update!" 'full stop, no compassion, no attention paid to the fact that I've explained in the past three things I've posted how much my life sucks right now, nope, just just a flat out ORDER' reviews, because I couldn't trust myself to be coherent afterwards.
If you're not responsible for those, let me thank you again.
For those who ARE responsible:
You literally wouldn't believe the three months I've just had, and it's not over yet. To top off the work insanity, I haven't had a full weekend in my town since midMay and I won't have one until midJuly; I'm trying to finish this off from 180 miles away when I should be sleeping since I've got a 3 hour drive back home, and I'm NOT happy about the "update now kthxbye" comments I've been getting for weeks, including last night/today when I was up past midnight working on this damn thing just to shut people up.
I've tried explaining everywhere I possibly legally can that sometimes my actual paid work just takes over. I don't like it any more than you do. In fact, I probably like it less, considering I'm the one who's living through it. But some people apparently take it like a personal affront or a duty I've failed in when I don't post another chapter in a timeline they expect.
For Pete's sake, I have a more than full time job and sometimes it BITES. Too many people completely fail to understand that fanfiction does not pay the bills and has to take second place to real life sucking.
I'd rather have enough free time to breathe, sleep, and write for fun. I DON'T. Deal with it. Whining at me does NOT make me update sooner. It just makes me tear my hair out in doubled frustration that I can neither have time to write nor have understanding of that from people who think that fanfic is their God-given right. Most of the time it makes me take longer to update, because I see these when I've just sat down to write again, and then I have to walk away and destress before I put a fist through the screen. My work life has had me tied into stress-knots for months already. I don't need it in my 'recreation' too.
I really wasn't planning on ending this chapter on a cliffhanger. But I'm too damn sick of it right now to stay up past midnight again to finish this chapter the way I was intending to, so guess what... I'm just getting the thing out of my hair tonight, while I can, because I cannot deal with another two weeks (at least) of random whining before I have any time to work on it again.
(End rant. For a while. At least, until the next time some preteen starts whining about 'you haven't updated for too long' with no comprehension of the fact that adults have responsibilities... I could wish it's not going to happen again, but unfortunately I don't have that much faith in humanity anymore. Not after three sets of explanations, ravings, and outright pleas for people to stop it, which have all been blithely ignored...)
(by the way, FreckledGlasses, this ISN'T aimed at you -- you left the most detailed review I've ever seen, for which I thank you, and I could tell that the whip-crack at the end was a joke! I do have a sense of humor. Sometimes. When my brain isn't fried all to hell. It's just the rest of the whip-cracking that has me beating my head against the wall...)
Okay, the story section starts below the horizontal rule here. And before anyone gets on me about the length of the author's note/rant, this note is one page out of THIRTY. According to Word's stats, I've been working on this chapter for over twenty-eight hours in the past months, and this is the181st revision. I'm not kidding. I don't blow things off for the hell of it. I work on these. When real life permits, that is. And sometimes it just doesn't permit. So I'd greatly appreciate it if people would stop demanding updates or implying I'm being lazy or the rest.
...Begging for comprehension has never worked before, I don't know why I'm bothering. I give up...
Chapter 21 (story actually starts here...)
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
Leaning against the pillow in front of the sofa, his hair still wet from the bath he'd taken, Sasuke sneezed abruptly despite the warmth of the evening. Iruka blinked at him over the top of a book on educational theory.
"I can close the window if you're chilled--"
"Not in this weather." The boy scratched the tip of his nose and heaved a sigh. "Where are those idiots? Nothing's open anymore, not in a town this size."
"I'll bet Kakashi and Naruto both decided they wanted the same prize at the fair; they're probably still dueling it out somewhere," Iruka said with a matching sigh.
"...Hmph."
That really was a useful word Sasuke had there, Iruka thought to himself, flipping another page.
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
Iruka blinked his way back to a fuzzy semiconsciousness at the rustle of fabric, a light tickle, a vague awareness of gentle hands at his shoulders... Sasuke was tucking a sheet over him; Iruka yawned and rubbed at his eyes, trying to sit up straighter, but the boy fixed a dark-eyed glower on him.
"If you want to get up, you'd better be heading toward your bedroom and your actual bed. Otherwise, go back to sleep."
"But I want to--" It was embarrassing to have to stop for a jaw-cracking yawn, but when he could breathe again, Iruka continued determinedly: "I want to wait up for them. --Not least because Kakashi owes me quite an explanation about why they're coming home this late at night!"
"Go to sleep," Sasuke said again. "I can keep watch for you."
"You've had a long day too," Iruka said, and then held up a hand when Sasuke took a breath to growl. "All right, all right, I'll take a nap for a bit... shall we trade shifts later on?"
Iruka could practically see Sasuke testing the shape of that in his mind, between the not-quite-hidden delight at his teacher offering to treat him as an equal, and the even-less-hidden calculation of if Iruka-sensei falls asleep I might just 'forget' to wake him up. Which was an admitted risk, of course, but at the moment it also looked to be losing the battle in Sasuke's honor system with but Iruka-sensei trusts me, I should prove I'm worth it.
After another round of rapid-fire silent calculation, Sasuke nodded with all the gravity of a grandfather four times his age, and he tucked the sheet more carefully around Iruka's shoulders. "I'll wake you if they come in, and I'll take first watch."
As though it were a military operation of some sort, Iruka thought, privately amused.
Then he thought about the range of potentially painful instruments he'd been contemplating bringing into the 'conversation' he was going to have with his lover, and silently revised his assessment again: all right, maybe it does qualify for a military operation, at that.
Iruka settled down and tugged the sheet up closer to his nose to try to pass for sleeping, and to try to hide his expression in case he got too bloodthirstily aggravated while itemizing the full and complete list of sins Kakashi was soon to be taken to task for. (The fact that he had to keep itemizing for quite some time also did little for the 'relax and sleep' idea, but a great deal for the 'planning a not so covert military assault' one.)
Sasuke, he suspected, wasn't fooled in the slightest; the boy kept glancing up at him, and so many years of communicating with monosyllables had left him with a remarkably expressive sigh. This particular sigh translated itself quite clearly into obviously, getting older does NOT make you more grown up. It was followed by the all-purpose 'hmph' of yes, I really am surrounded by idiots after all.
Iruka was too busy blissfully contemplating Kakashi's screams of agony interspersed with pleas for forgiveness to take the time to be amused by Sasuke, though; he made a happy little sound and snuggled further into the sofa, wringing the sheets between his hands and testing their potential for use as a garrotte.
Flushed with success, Sakura danced back to the table, plopped back into her seat, and drained the rest of her beer, then dragged the back of her hand across her mouth: "wheeee!"
Leaning a little harder on the table than she meant to, she reached over and poked Kakashi in the shoulder. "You go sing too! You brought us here, you go sing something!" She plucked the song book out of Naruto's hands and dropped it in Kakashi's lap.
"Hey!" Then Naruto blinked a couple times, and said again, "Hey!" Pointing at Kakashi with an indignant finger, the little blonde complained loudly to Sakura, "He told me he was gonna tell me what he was gonna sing but he never did!"
"That's why you keep poking him until you annoy him so much he surrenders," Sakura said loftily. "You're good at annoying people; you know that."
"Really?" Naruto turned an ear to ear grin at Kakashi. "Hey Kakashi-sensei! Sakura-chan says I'm good at something! That's progress, right?"
Kakashi opened his mouth, closed it, sighed deeply, and buried his face in both hands. "...I suppose by some definitions, that could be considered progress, yes."
Right about then, precisely what Sakura had said he was good at soaked through the beer filter, and Naruto turned around so quickly he wobbled in his chair. "...Sakura-chan!"
Sakura was writing Sasuke's name in the beer rings on the table with a damp fingertip. "But it's far and away your best talent," Sakura said, with a sharp quirk at the corner of her lips. "You can annoy anybody! That takes a natural-born talent for irritation!"
"Aw, jeez! Sakura-chan--" It was obviously taking a lot of work to come even that close to howling the roof down like normal, though. Apparently beer hit him more as a relaxant than as an agitator, or at least in this quantity, Kakashi noted to himself.
Naruto struggled with summoning up more indignation to protest and whine further, then sighed and slumped forward and leaned both elbows on the table. In an unexpectedly quiet voice, chin propped on his crossed arms and staring at nothing, he asked, "What's wrong with me?"
"...Huh?"
"If you liked me even a quarter as much as you like Sasuke, I'd be so happy I'd explode or something," Naruto mumbled, staring into their empty beer mugs. "And Lee practically worships the ground you walk on. What's wrong with people who like you? Why have you got to keep running after that ice-cold bastard who doesn't pay any attention to anyone unless they kick his ass first?"
"But he's Sasuke," Sakura said, as though that were all that needed to be said.
"But I'm asking about me. Is it because I'm the kyuubi?" he asked. "Is that why you can't stand me?"
Sakura just blinked at him, jaw hanging slightly open.
With a hiccuping, almost tearful half-laugh, Naruto said, "Never mind. I don't want to know if it's not 'cause I'm the kyuubi. Because if it's not, then you just hate me because I'm me, and that's worse."
He looked around for a mug that still had anything in it, spotted Kakashi's, took it, and drained it in one long swallow, choking a little by the end of it. "...hey, Kakashi-sensei, does this stuff actually help...?"
"Usually not," Kakashi admitted with a sigh, running a tired hand through his hair.
"Then why do people bother?"
"Because after a few, they kind of forget that it doesn't help, generally."
"...I want another."
"All right," Kakashi said, and started to stand up; but Sakura stood so quickly she almost unbalanced the table.
"I'll go get them," she said, and all but ran for the bar.
And then I'm going to wrap this around his neck and tie the other end to his ankles and pull, and that's when I'll ask him 'So what exactly WERE you doing keeping two underage children out until--' what time is it now? Long past midnight, I'm sure-- that thoughtless, irresponsible, infuriating, always-late--
"Iruka-sensei?" Sasuke asked, barely looking up from his scroll, but his voice sounded a little pained anyway. "What are you doing?"
Iruka looked up from his wish-fulfillment sheet-strangulation of a throw-pillow and blinked a little -- then realized approximately what it had to look like. He dropped the pillow hastily, feeling his cheeks burn. "Er... that is... um... Sorry about that, Sasuke-kun."
"It's a little disturbing when you're killing the furniture in effigy and chortling under your breath," Sasuke said, rather grumpily. "You're the sane one. Remember that part? ...er ...you are the sane one, aren't you?"
"I'm sorry," Iruka said again, feeling very silly. He sighed and punched a fist into the sofa back just to try to relieve the pent-up frustration. "What on earth are they doing this late at night? I'd have thought at least Sakura-kun would have been rational enough to drag them home by now!"
Sasuke was clearly exhausted, because he actually laughed a little... except that the sound held no mirth at all, only fatigue.
"'Sakura' and 'rational' are not two words I would have used in the same sentence," he said. "But then, having been monomaniacally stalked for years does tend to warp my perceptions a bit."
"She... er... she's not that bad, is she?" Iruka managed.
Sasuke's face tightened, and he looked away.
"Sasuke-kun?" Iruka asked, beginning to be alarmed. "If... I mean, she's your teammate; if it's that difficult for you..."
"I've lived with it for this many years," he said dully. "I'll survive."
"Only 'survive'...?"
"I'm just so damn sick of it," Sasuke murmured. "I don't know how to tell her I'm sick of it. I never asked to be the trophy handed out in her little who's-sexier competition with Ino. I'd have liked to be asked my opinion. I'd have liked the opportunity to have an opinion. But instead I woke up one morning and found myself being used as the human rope in the middle of their private ego-boosting tug of war..."
"...Oh."
Iruka bit down hard on his first impulse to try to defend the girls; there would be time enough for that tomorrow, and what Sasuke needed tonight was someone to listen to his feelings, in the rare window when he was tired enough to admit to them and they had privacy enough to make it possible to put aside that touchy, brittle teenaged-boy pride.
I told him I could stop lecturing and listen; it sounds like he's taking me at my word. I'll just have to make sure I don't look too surprised that he's taking me at my word...
Into Iruka's silence, Sasuke murmured, "She treats Naruto like he's something to be scraped off her shoe, in order to try to win points against Ino in their childish little duel. So Naruto's set his second-greatest goal in life to humiliate me, because she chose me instead of him. And I never asked them for any of it."
Digging a hand through his hair, Sasuke leaned back on his elbows and stared tiredly up at the ceiling.
"They'd just as happily use one of my clones if it came with bragging rights to the Uchiha clan name and Sharingan eyes," he mumbled. "No, actually, they'd probably prefer one of the clones, because Naruto could 'kick the bastard's ass' whenever he wanted to prove something to Sakura, and the girls could tell it to do whatever they fantasized their dime-store-romance-novel hero ought to do. They'd all be happier."
"You really think so?" Iruka asked, a little wistful.
"Of course they would. Particularly the girls; at least Naruto expects a challenge, instead of an obedient doll to dress up." With a short, sharp laugh, Sasuke added, "Besides, with a little adjusting, the clone could be taller. I'm sure Ino would appreciate that. I never fit the 'tall' part of the 'tall dark and handsome' requirements."
"They don't seem to mind," Iruka offered.
"No, they don't, and I wish they did! If they did I could at least get a break from their obsessive little spotlight! ...I've never been any good at playing the whole stupid romance game. You'd think they would have noticed by now, but apparently they're too fixated on the idea of 'what they want me to be' to notice who I am... If Sakura wanted a person for who he is, she'd have taken Lee-kun one of the first thirty times he threw himself at her feet. He's a better human being than I'll ever be. But they don't care who I am; they're fixated on what I am, the name and the damned too-pretty face and the bragging rights, so completely shallow..."
Iruka tried to think of something helpful or listening-leading to say, but all he could manage was, "I'm sorry."
Sasuke shrugged a little, a stiff lift of one shoulder, and stared down at his scroll again, but Iruka doubted he was actually seeing the words; Iruka picked up a handful of his students' papers for much the same purpose of camouflage, and shuffled them at random every once in a while, still startled that Sasuke had said as much as he had.
And then the key clicked into place.
He can talk to me, the way he couldn't talk to Kakashi, Iruka realized. I'm not competition. Not now, not like this.
Sitting here grading children's papers, in a woman's body, so bulgingly pregnant at him-- there's no way I'm any kind of competition. I have his respect as a former teacher, but I don't threaten him, because we both know there wouldn't be any question of who'd win. So he doesn't have to pose, and I don't have to push. I just had to wait long enough.
Damn it, Kakashi, couldn't you have mentioned that part of the 'why' a few hours ago? Before I put him in a panic, trying to pry out his hurts so I could bandage him up before he was even willing to admit to being hurt?
Iruka bit his lower lip hard to keep from sighing aloud. In hindsight it was blindingly obvious that he hadn't given Sasuke's prickly teenaged ego time to work out the way their status has changed... he just could have used a little more foresight. When Iruka had first become Sasuke's Academy teacher, Sasuke had been so young that a fully trained adult man like Iruka was unimaginably strong -- which made him someone to be strong in front of, someone to try to impress.
And most of that old power-positioning had been turned on its head... in the space of one moment's shocked realization.
He'll always be younger, he'll always have been my student, so it unnerves him to realize what else has changed. He's become stronger than I am -- particularly now, particularly when I'm like this -- and so now he doesn't have to defend himself against my strength by keeping up the facade of his own strength. He never had to in the first place, but he would never have believed it. So I couldn't just tell him that. I had to wait for him to realize it for himself.
--And I needed to acknowledge it when he kept trying to demonstrate it. With the berries, the tucking-me-in, the little gestures that said 'look, I'm grown up, I can take care of people too. See how grown-up I am? Acknowledge me. Recognize that I'm stronger, that I'm taking care of you... see?' Like a wolf cub that's testing out his territory under an elder's watchful eye...
Because the one who wants to be the alpha wolf can only admit pain to someone who's weaker. Admitting pain to a rival is revealing a weakness that can be exploited. I had to wait for him to truly realize that I'm not a rival, that I have neither the ability nor the intention. That I won't challenge him if he admits to me that he hurts. Because he's grown up alone, in a pack of rough-housing ninja students, without parents to remind him that it's all right to be vulnerable and cared for... at least I had my parents long enough to be able to remember that.
And I am still his former teacher. Nothing's going to change that, and he feels it as a potential challenge. He's still reassuring himself that I won't take advantage of a moment of his weakness and use it to make him submit to being coddled like a child again.Iruka sighed despite himself. Was I ever that young, or that teenaged, or that touchy about trying to become the alpha wolf of the pack? I hope the Hokage didn't laugh too hard...
...And damn it, Kakashi, you knew it wasn't going to occur to me! You set me up to make him miserable on purpose. Naruto's always been happy in his little-brother role with me, it wouldn't even occur to him to try to take a dominant role simply because I look female and pregnant now. And Naruto would never have to feel safe in a dominant pose before he could admit to me that he was hurt... couldn't you at least have mentioned that part of it?
But then, you couldn't have gotten your kicks knowing we'd both be writhing in misery, even if you weren't here to watch it. You're sleeping on the couch for at least a week, you smug insufferable ass...
Iruka hid a covert glance at Sasuke under the guise of more completely pointless paper-rustling.
...He still has something he wants to say. His shoulders are practically up around his ears; he's tied himself in knots trying not to say it.
But I'm a chuunin, and I taught him when he was barely old enough to hold a kunai. Strength isn't the only path to a victory, after all. Stealth has got at least as much going for it.
One of us is going to outwait the other one; I've got to win this time. In just this one small, silent duel, I've got to outmatch him, for his own good...It must have been almost half an hour later when Sasuke finally broke.
He took a too-deep breath and struggled with it for a long minute before he finally whispered, "Iruka-sensei?"
"...Hmm?" Iruka put the papers aside and looked up, trying to keep himself outwardly calm, even as he inwardly braced himself for whatever Sasuke might say next.
It took the boy a couple of tries to find his words again, and his voice trembled as he spoke.
"What's it like... to be loved for who you are?" he murmured, staring fiercely down at the scroll. "To... to be loved for who you really are? Not your face, not your bloodline, not your family name or your inheritance or what someone can get from capturing you, just... being loved... for yourself...?" He blinked at the scroll, and added in a whisper, "I can't even remember what it felt like..."
Iruka couldn't have forced words past the knot in his throat if his life had depended on it; instead, he reached over and drew Sasuke close enough to hug, hoping the gesture might in itself go some small way toward answering the question.
He was more than half expecting Sasuke to pull away; but instead, after a moment's hesitation, the boy's arms crept about Iruka's waist and clung tightly.
And then a moment later he jerked away as though burned: "I'm sorry-- I wasn't thinking--"
"Come back here," Iruka said tartly, and pulled Sasuke into another slightly awkward but heartfelt hug.
Sasuke was painfully careful with his hands this time, taking too much care not to put any pressure on Iruka's rounding belly; he knotted his hands in the fabric between Iruka's shoulderblades instead.
Iruka silently held him, and rubbed his back, and didn't say a word when the boy's breath caught too raggedly, or when something warm and damp and suspiciously like tears trickled down the curve between his throat and his shoulder. Sasuke's hair was still damp from the bath, it could have been a stray drip or two; at least that would give him a way to salvage his pride if he needed one... particularly to himself.
Iruka knew Sasuke would likely never forgive him for noticing something like that, something so vulnerable and human; as soon as he regained that frigid control, likely it would be a while before Sasuke could even forgive himself for allowing himself such an emotional release. But in the meantime, it was late at night, dark and quiet, and no one was there to point or mock, and Sasuke was simply exhausted from the years of walking his chosen path completely alone even amid his teammates; and so Iruka held their silence as carefully as he held the boy himself.
It took Sakura far too long to bring back three beers. From the way she was swaying as she carried them back to their table and set them down with a thump, Kakashi suspected she must have gotten herself something a little stronger at the bar, borrowing a little courage from a bottle for the conversation she was bracing herself for. Naruto blinked up at her blearily at the thud of the heavy mugs.
"Don't take this the wrong way and I'm only going to say it once," Sakura said, leaning hard on the table. "I don't hate you. I... I... oh, hell..."
She drank half of another beer at one go, and landed in her chair rather more abruptly than she'd intended, but at least she managed to stay in the chair, which surprised Kakashi more than he'd have admitted. Naruto was still gawking at the sight of Sakura chugging a beer. She set it down far too carefully, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and took a deep breath.
"I don't hate you, you're kinda entertaining to have around. --Sometimes. Sometimes. When you're not being a total uncool loser. Which isn't all that often. But I don't hate you. I kind of..." She rolled her eyes and grabbed Naruto by the collar and tried to get it all out in one breath.
"I-kind-of-like-you-except-NOT-THAT-WAY-so-don't-you-DARE-take-this-wrong-and-if-you-ever-tell-ANYONE-I-said-I-like-you-at-all-I'll-break-your-stinking-neck-you-annoying-little-runt-but-anyway-I-said-it-so-there!"
Even Kakashi found himself blinking at that one.
Naruto hiccuped a little and tugged on Kakashi's sleeve. "Wha'd she say...?"
Sakura beat her head against the table, then sat up and propped her head in both hands. "I don't hate you," she muttered. "You're kind of the annoying little brother I never had, but if I did have one, you'd be him. Except I don't. But it's almost like I do, 'cause it'd be you if it was anybody; it just wasn't. Got it?"
Naruto blinked at her a few more times. "Whaaaa-'?"
Sakura tried again, a little desperately. "Like how pineapple isn't really pine-ish or apple-ish, but it's something, and it's just... like... it's just pineapple, right...?"
"You probably shouldn't have drunk that beer so fast, you know," Kakashi observed.
"No, really, he's a pineapple!" Sakura said, thumping one hand on the table for emphasis. "He's all bristly and spiky an' stuff. An' yellow. And he's... like... kind of sweet inside, sometimes, except for when he's green and sour and crunchy and what the hell is it with that orange jacket anyway? Anyhow... it's like... he's got good parts if you can just figure out how to get at them, but most of the time you end up like chewing on a mouthful of rind and you go 'why do I even bother?' Except for the parts when it's worth it..." Sakura blinked, and dropped her head forward on the table. "...Never mind."
"But... but... Sakura-chan... that was NICE!" Naruto said, sniffling a little and scowling fiercely at an inoffensive beer mat to keep from blubbering. "...Except for when it wasn't, I mean. Other than when it was mean, it was, like, nice..."
"But Mom is going to kill me if I tell her 'I think I have an almost little brother and he's a pineapple!'" Sakura wailed.
"I'm sure that would come as something of a surprise, yes," Kakashi agreed, the corners of his mouth twitching despite himself.
Sakura ran a hand down her face, and thumped her head against the table one more time for good measure. "What's wrong with me?" Sakura groaned.
Naruto rubbed his chin. "You're drunk?" he guessed.
"I mean aside from that!" She waved a hand in the air as though shooing away insects. "And I'm not that drunk. I mean why doesn't Sasuke love me...?"
"'Cause he's a bastard," Naruto said, then hastily ducked a swing from an empty beer mug. "Oh, you mean aside from that too? Er..." He scratched his head, then offered, "'Cause you haven't kicked his ass?"
"But... but... why would Sasuke love me if I could kick his ass?"
"'Cause that's the only way to make him do what you tell him to?"
Kakashi hastily choked down a mouthful of beer to keep from spraying it across the table in a fit of badly-timed hilarity. You know, kid, you have no idea how much you hit the nail on the head there...!
"But I shouldn't have to tell him to love me!" Sakura wailed. "I'm gorgeous and I'm smart and I'm wildly in love with him and it's like he doesn't even notice!"
"Like I said, he's a bastard," Naruto said with a shrug, using both hands to get the beer mug into the vicinity of his face again.
"...That's not helping, you moron."
"I'm not a moron; I got a great idea! You could fall in love with me! I know you're gorgeous and smart and all that stuff!"
Sakura sniffled, and wiped her eyes on the corner of her skirt, and said, "But you're not cool."
Naruto toppled over backwards and landed on the floor with a thud.
"Sakura-chan, that was just cruel," Kakashi observed mildly.
"But he's my pineapple," she said, waving a hand. "I mean, you just don't think about kissing pineapples or little brothers. It's just... all prickly and ewww and... stuff."
From the floor, Naruto asked groggily, "So if I was Sasuke instead of a pineapple, you'd think about kissing me?"
"But you're not," Sakura said, with the tactless logic of the well-intoxicated.
"I can fix that." He blinked at his hands to make sure he could focus on them, then started shaping seals.
Kakashi scooped him on the floor, deposited him on his chair again, and thumped him on the back vigorously, making sure the jutsu-cancelling ofuda he'd hastily slapped in place was thoroughly attached to Naruto's jacket.
"Forget it," Sakura said gloomily. "You couldn't be Sasuke even if you looked like him. You don't brood and glare and ...well, all right, you glare, it's just all in-your-face instead of dark-romantic-angst... and... you just couldn't. You're just too much you."
Naruto finished his own beer far too quickly, and then pushed the empty mugs out of the way to beat his head against the table.
Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder, a little alarmed. "Hey. Don't break the table, they'll make us pay for it if you dent it."
With a groan, Naruto left his face planted against the wood of the tabletop, and his voice came out somewhat garbled by mumbling through a beer mat. "Beer duzzn' help af'r all."
"Not really, no," Kakashi agreed.
"...So I ha'n't drunk enuff yet to frogit it duzzn' help..."
With a huge sigh, Naruto let his head roll to one side, ending up with his cheek in a puddle of spilled beer, and apparently not even noticing. "Kakashi-sensei...? How come I can't just be Sasuke instead...?"
"Sasuke couldn't be you either, you know," Kakashi observed. "He doesn't have it in him to be so vivid and outgoing."
"Yeah, but he'd never need to want to! Everybody loves him already! And I can't even pretend anybody 'cept Iruka-sensei loves me, and that's different anyhow..."
"What about Hinata-chan?" Sakura asked, chin propped in one hand.
Naruto gave her a look that suggested she'd just grown a second head. Although, Kakashi reflected, if his eyes were starting to lose focus, then in his line of sight she might well have.
"What about Hinata-chan?" Naruto asked. "The poor kid practically jumps out of her skin whenever I look at her sideways! And it's like I'm torturing her when I try to talk or anything..." Naruto heaved a huge sigh. "I dunno what I did to scare her like that, maybe she thinks 'cause I'm the kyuubi I'm gonna rip her head off or something."
Sakura's jaw hit the table with a thud.
"I try to be nice, I really do, 'cause she's a sweet kid and stuff, and sometimes she actually manages to talk a little without stuttering -- so I try to be nice and not scary and growly and stuff, I really do! Except then she always freezes up and... I don't know. I can't ever do anything right, can I? ...no, wait, don't answer that. I know. I'm not bloody bastard genius Sasuke, I'm just the village screw-up, of course I can't do anything right. Dammit, I know that already..."
"You don't destroy everything you touch, you know," Kakashi observed. "The table's still in one piece, after all."
"Ha ha so very much ha," Naruto mumbled, head in his hands, then heaved another sigh. "I need more beer, it hasn't all gone away yet..." And he pried himself off the table and wobbled towards the bar.
Sakura smacked a palm into her face with a groan. "Kakashi-sensei, how do boys get to be that stupid?" she demanded. "Naruto hasn't got a clue she's got a crush on him, Sasuke hasn't got a clue I love him... come to think of it, you and Iruka-sensei are both m--" She stopped herself short and clamped both hands over her mouth hastily, remembering Iruka's jutsu. "...Anyway, how did the two of you ever manage to get together...? Iruka-sensei seems, like, practically more clueless than Naruto about romance stuff..."
"Simple," Kakashi said, with a sip of his beer.
"Simple?" Sakura blinked up at him with wild hope shining on her face. "Simple enough I could do it to Sasuke?"
"Well, that depends..."
"What did you do?"
Kakashi's visible eye arched up into a happy grin. Playing with drunk people was so much fun...
"Teased her mercilessly for months," he said brightly. "Then I hog-tied her with her own headband and dragged her off to a hot spring and stripped her naked and got out the edible soap and--"
"EDIBLE SOAP!"
Heads turned all over the bar at that.
Her face a brighter red than her dress, Sakura let out a yelp and slid under the table and hid there whimpering while Naruto wove his way back through the crowd with another beer. He put it on top of the table very carefully, then bent his head under the edge of the table to blink at Sakura.
"What about edible soap?" Naruto asked fuzzily.
Sakura's response was nearly incoherent, involving much whimpering and the phrases "didn't need to imagine," "such a liar," and "except I can see him trying to--" followed by more whimpering and several more iterations of "bad mental images! bad!"
Naruto blinked a couple times, propped his chin on the edge of the table, and asked his far too smugly grinning teacher, "What'd you do to Sakura-chan?"
"Who, me?" Kakashi tried innocently batting the eyelashes on the one visible eye. It must not have worked very well; Naruto looked like he'd just bitten into a sour pickle that squirmed and was trying to decide whether or not to run screaming.
"...Never mind! Need more beer," the boy decided with a shudder, and picked up his mug very carefully.
After a while, Sasuke had pulled away of course, and it had taken a long time for him to stop storming around the house doing whatever growling and sulking his pride considered necessary for the reassemblage of his usual "I'm cold and surly and completely independent, no seriously, I am, and stop chuckling right now dammit" image.
Iruka didn't try to disturb him this time, simply waiting for the boy to stop pacing circles around the floor and glaring out the windows and muttering scathing things under his breath about idiot strays without the sense to come home for the night.
Finally, done with his prowling, Sasuke had plonked himself down partway across the room and settled in to smolder and be desperately angsty and superior and irritated and not a lonely child at all thank-you-very-much. But he'd left his scroll in front of the sofa, and when he got done with his "I don't care if you're watching me, see how much I don't care if you're watching me, I'm all tough and grown up dammit, see?" fume-fest, it was rather dull with nothing to do beyond trying-not-to-look-like-posing posing.
Carefully nonchalant, as though the boy were actually some undomesticated and touchily proud wild animal, Iruka reached down and patted the sofa cushion that was still propped there waiting for Sasuke's back to settle against it.
Sasuke stiffened and looked away with a little 'hmph.'
Iruka didn't say anything, quietly flipping through his grade book to review his notes on the students whose papers he was rereading for the fifth time, in an effort to look inoffensive and non-dangerous and revoltingly domestic.
He was, he had to admit, quite good at it. Looking non-threatening was one of the most potentially dangerous tactics in a shinobi's arsenal -- and Iruka had been chosen from the entirety of the village to be the one who taught future ninja the very foundations of their art. He would never have been appointed if he hadn't mastered those foundations to the point where they were nearly as simple as breathing.
Of course there was no question of who would win if he and Sasuke faced off in a match of pure strength... but in a match of the arts of ninjutsu, the ones involving psychology and subtlety, Iruka had the unfair advantages of both years of training and years of life surviving the relentless smirking psychological warfare which was Kakashi on the prowl.
Making a small sound of surprise, Iruka looked down at the gentle bulge in the overalls, and smiled, and patted the baby-roundness with a tender, affectionate hand. The little gasp had been completely calculated; in truth, the baby was peacefully settled into the curve of his hips, rocked to sleep by the gentle rise and fall of Iruka's breathing, but Sasuke didn't know Iruka wasn't being kicked at the moment. Iruka didn't need to look up in order to feel Sasuke's eyes, all his attention focused on the idle pat-pat, pat-pat of that light, lovingly parental hand.
The boy swallowed hard. Still gently smiling down at the sleeping curve of the baby as he patted that drowsy rhythm, Iruka thought to himself, I wonder if this counts as abuse of power? I know I'm taking utterly shameless advantage of my condition; the poor boy honestly doesn't have a chance... it's not fair at all, really.
It was only a matter of time until Sasuke had inched over to the sofa in the not-quite-movement of a stretching cat, trying hard to look like he wasn't moving at all, and certainly not in response to a manipulative temptation. No, cats went precisely where they wanted when they wanted, on their own time, and the availability of a human's fingertips to provide ear scritches were completely not part of the consideration. Pillows and quiet, family-gentle company were just as irrelevant to the Broody Avenger as ear scritches were to a cat. So was the scroll. Completely irrelevant. Sasuke just happened to find himself sitting by the sofa again. That was all.
Iruka kept reading, trying not to let himself smile too much.
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
Kakashi sighed to himself a little, and finished his second beer.
I wondered how long it would take her to strip away enough layers to come to this level of honesty with herself. Too bad Naruto's not coherent enough to be listening to lyrics anymore...
Naruto was face-down on the karaoke book making gargling half-snoring sounds. Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder and shook gently.
"Naruto-kun? It's last call for beer; they'll be closing soon."
"Bu' I still haven' foun' a shong..." When Naruto sat up, one of the pages was beer-stuck to his cheek; he peeled it off gingerly, and his eyes vaguely struggled to focus on the page, more habit than anything.
...And then Naruto's eyes lit up like... like...
After some consideration, Kakashi realized he'd last seen that sparkle-sparkle-fizz-flare in a package of recently-lit high explosives prepped to level half a city block. The bar table was clearly not going to be enough protection, and he wondered in some alarm whether the walls would even be standing afterwards.
"Naruto--"
The boy gave the most unholy cackle he'd heard since Orochimaru.
Maybe this beer thing hadn't been that great an idea after all. Cautiously, Kakashi felt the 'tone' of Naruto's chakra... swaying and flaring with the relaxant effects of the alcohol, but not crimson-tinged from any strain on the kyuubi's seal; so what on earth...?
Kakashi managed to keep his voice fairly steady as he asked, "Naruto, what the--"
"I found MY SONG!" Naruto crowed at the top of his lungs, and began to stagger a not-at-all-straight line toward the karaoke machine and Sakura.
In half-horrified bemusement, Kakashi found he couldn't look away from the brief, loud, and ugly battle over the microphone. Naruto won, not surprisingly, but Sakura was vicious when drunk; he almost wondered if this was an avenue to pursue in training, then shuddered at the thought of having to deal with this again.
Naruto punched numbers on the karaoke machine, chortling with maniacal glee, then announced into the microphone, "This is the song I've wanted to sing my whole life! This is MY song!"
And he jumped up on top of the speakers and started head-banging to the opening chords of a tune Kakashi had never heard before.
There might have been something intended for a melody at some point, but it was hard to tell between the electric guitars and Naruto's top-of-the-lungs, give-it-your-all-and-then-some style of far too overexcited cover music:
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed (Naruto found a song about ramen)
...There was a horrible electrical squerch.
Sakura was leaning against the wall with the power plug in one hand, eyes shadowed, panting with shaking horror.
Naruto's eyes vanished into slits.
"MY SONG!"
With an incoherent howl of rage, he jumped for Sakura and the power plug.
Kakashi decided that the "forcefully apply skull to hard horizontal surface, repeat until it stops hurting" prescription for drunken karaoke survival really did have its good points after all. It was doing wonders for his own state of mind so far.
Purely as a humanitarian gesture, he pushed the beer mugs off the table and onto the floor in order to have more surface area available for beating suffering fellow patrons' heads against, in case the drunken bar-wide brawl in the making decided to keep spreading. Really, putting them out of their misery was a blessing at this point, and he saw a recognition of that in the faces of some of the glassy-eyed bottle-wielders who were heading his direction.
Kakashi was fairly sure they'd thank him for it tomorrow -- provided he survived that long, of course. He wasn't worried about the drunks in the least. Iruka's temper, on the other hand... taking the kids to karaoke was one thing, but bringing them home after a bar brawl was something rather else...
"GYARRGGH!"
Kakashi sidestepped neatly, twisted the bottle out of the drunk's hand, and planted another skull firmly against the Merciful Table of Blessed Oblivion.
"Yes, I know," he said to the now-limp body sliding to the floor. "At least for you, the suffering's over with for a while. Why do I have the feeling mine's just started...?"
"rrrrAAAGGGHHH--Aiyeeee! Ow ow ow ow--" thud
"...And pleasant dreams to you too."
More than half asleep, barely holding on to a handful of children's papers which were nearly ready to slip out of sleep-lax fingers, Iruka was slowly called back to awareness by a sense of warm, firm pressure against his belly. It wasn't precisely uncomfortable, just unfamiliar; he blinked, and rubbed his eyes.
Sasuke had fallen asleep where he sat; his head had dropped backwards to rest against the convenient mound of the baby-bulge. He looked far younger in his sleep, unguarded and nearly wistful, and Iruka found himself almost afraid to breathe lest he disturb the boy and shatter that completely unselfconscious gesture of trust.
...He'll have a terrible crick in his neck tomorrow.
But...
Awkwardly, hesitantly, Iruka tried to shift his hips forward on the sofa a bit, so that he could make the baby's roundness a slightly more comfortable pillow, at a slightly less clumsy angle; he froze when Sasuke made a small groggy sound. But then the boy twisted in his sleep, hooking an elbow up onto the sofa and nestling his cheek against Iruka's fullness with a little sigh, and he dropped back into a deeper sleep.
Tentative, almost timid, Iruka brushed a stray lock of dark hair from the boy's eyes; when he didn't stir at the soft touch, Iruka let himself relax a little, and stroked his hair with a careful, light hand.
...So you do still trust, sometimes, despite it all? I'm glad. I'm sorry that no one was there for you, for too many years. But I'm honored that you trust me enough to let yourself sleep, that you'll let me be here for you, even just tonight... even if you'd grumble and sulk and glare at the suggestion that you might want or need the attention after all.
Just for tonight, little one, let yourself rest, and let me take care of you too. I know you and Naruto fight like cats and dogs; but the fact that Naruto has a special place in my heart doesn't mean that you can't also have your own special place, if you'd let yourself want it.
Sasuke snuggled a little closer, with a soft little sound of contentment, and Iruka smiled and let his hand rest gently atop the dark silky rumple of the boy's hair.
He'll bolt the moment he wakes up, of course, Iruka thought ruefully. But at least I can enjoy it while it lasts, for the both of us.
There had been several groups of loudly still-partying festivalgoers returning to their homes along the road that led to the schoolhouse; it sounded like there was another group of them on the way. Most likely a group of three; at least, the two who were singing the same song had chosen wildly different keys to sing it in, and the third was on some other song entirely...
Sixty-five bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-five bottles of beer--
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
--pass it around, sixty-five bottles of beer on--
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
"...Hey wait, we already did sixty-five, didn't we?"
"Who cares? --PASS IT AROUND, SIXTY-FIVE BOTTLES OF--"
"No wait, I know we did sixty-five!"
And the other singer was loudly off in her own little world: SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
With horror running frigid fingertips down his spine, Iruka realized that he knew those voices.
"Imbeciles," a still-sleepy-voiced Sasuke muttered from the floor. The boy dug a frustrated hand through his hair, then stood and yawned and stalked over to pull the door open before they could even knock.
Unfortunately, Naruto's fist was on autopilot. And aimed for a point on the suddenly-removed door which lined up right about the center of Sasuke's nose. The impact was enough to rock Sasuke's head back for him... but not for long.
Iruka buried his face in both hands, because it was far too late at night to be able to deal with the inevitable end of the chain reaction.
Based on the yelps, squawks, thumps, bangs, and a shatter or two, Iruka guessed that Naruto had ended up inside the building -- just not by walking. Ricocheting, maybe; 'bouncing off the walls' seemed an even more apt description than usual, come to think of it...
And Sakura, who was still completely oblivious -- was that a wagon she was sitting in? Yes, Kakashi was pulling a red wagon with Sakura in it, and the girl was blithely starting another verse of her song without a care in the world.
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
"Sakura-kun!" Iruka yelped, blushing fiercely. "You-- should you know-- I mean... where did you hear a song like that? I mean--"
"It was great!" Sakura said, drowsily. "Kakashi-sensei took us to a karaoke bar!"
By this point, Naruto was curled up in a ball on the floor whimpering at the payback he'd received for Sasuke's nose.
Sasuke, trying not to look too uncool with a handkerchief shoved against his bloodied nose and split lip, said, "I'll get her upstairs. Iruka-sensei, I'm leaving these two morons to you..."
"A karaoke bar?" Iruka echoed, numbly. Something was wrong with this picture. Kakashi was swaying back and forth on his feet gently, as though the evening breeze were about to knock him over...
And then Naruto's eyes focused on Iruka's overalls, and something pierced the haze long enough for a disturbing spark to light in his eyes.
"Heheheheee..."
Naruto hiccuped, then stumbled across the room toward the sofa and shoved Iruka's knees flat in order to plonk himself down on his teacher's outstretched legs.
As Iruka stared down at the boy's shaggy blonde head, Naruto curled up in the lap presented, and snuggled his cheek against the roundness of Iruka's enticingly plump belly.
"Comfy," he mumbled, rubbing his cheek against the fullest place; and then he passed out cold, jaw hanging open, snoring the snore of the blissfully intoxicated.
Iruka stared down at the boy so unselfconsciously nestled in his lap, trying without success to fight the slowly growing horror at how they all reeked of cheap beer."YOU GOT THEM DRUNK!"
Naruto groggily protested the way Iruka's belly tightened with the force of the shout, mumbling something incoherent and patting his warm round pillow before dropping into snores again.
"Some people prefer the term 'well-lubricated,' you know," Kakashi offered, rubbing his chin. "'Drunk' is such a cold word..."
"HOW COULD YOU GET THEM DRUNK!"
"Oh, it wasn't that hard," Kakashi said, taking far too much care to enunciate without slurring. "I didn't do a thing really. They managed it just fine by themselves--"
"YOU'RE DRUNK TOO?"
"...Er. Right." He straightened up and laughed a little sheepishly. "Not in the least. But it was so much fun watching their faces when they think I'm drunk--"
There were simply no words left. Try as he might, Iruka couldn't come up with a single coherent word, although he belatedly realized his throat was raw from the force of the scream of pure outrage he'd just given.
Kakashi looked somewhat alarmed, which was far too little far too late.
Thinking back on it later, Iruka didn't even remember how he'd gotten Naruto off his lap; he hoped he hadn't just stood up and dumped the boy on the floor, although in his state of boneless intoxication the boy probably would neither have noticed nor minded much.
Iruka did remember one particular moment of clarity amid the heaving sea of chaos; he remembered being oddly grateful for the change in his balance brought by a woman's body and a ripening, increasingly fluid-heavy womb. It was much easier to balance securely on one foot when one's center of gravity had lowered from one's shoulders and settled solidly, deep and forward, in one's pelvic arch; that left the other foot free for the roundhouse kick that sent Kakashi tumbling head over heels out into the yard.
Iruka spent quite a while shouting at the top of his lungs, until his voice broke, and the tears running down his face didn't help anything at all; he kept scrubbing them away, shaking all over, incoherent with exhaustion and rage and grief too tangled up to bear.
Kakashi made the nearly fatal mistake of stepping closer and trying to comfort him.
"...and don't you TOUCH me, you asshole! Don't touch me-- get out-- I don't want to see that goddamned smirk, I-- damn it, I thought I could TRUST you when it mattered-- but you keep them out half the night, you get them DRUNK -- they're NOT old enough to drink, they're underage CHILDREN, you bastard! I thought I could trust you with our child, I thought -- I -- but then you never have given a damn that they're children; damn it, you--"
"Iruka--"
"I said I don't want to look at you right now! Just get OUT!"
Iruka scooped Sasuke's tent roll off the floor and flung it full-force into Kakashi's face, then slammed the door.
Then he turned around and slid down the wooden frame to land on the floor with a graceless thump, choking on sobs of rage and helpless frustration.
Naruto was still snoring blissfully on the floor.
The tears were starting to slip over into hysterics; gasping for breath, one hand pressed hard against a tight knot of pain in his side, Iruka could hear the brittle edge in the hysteria, but couldn't seem to breathe deeply enough to do anything about it.
Sasuke's footsteps were even quieter than usual, barely a whisper of fabric against the floor as he moved to stand over Naruto.
It triggered something reflexive in Iruka even through the panic; he scrubbed both hands across his face quickly, fiercely, and began to chatter as though he could make everything all right if he just thought quickly enough.
"Water -- he'll need to get some water into his system, and painkillers too, they both will -- it won't fix everything, but at least it might take the edge off how horribly ill they'll be in the morning -- they don't even know where the bathroom is, I wonder if I should wake her -- them -- I wonder if they'd even remember if I woke them -- I -- damn it, one at a time, I'll get the water first--"
"No you won't," Sasuke said, and turned and padded into the kitchen. Iruka heard the faucet running, and then the boy was back with two glasses of water -- one of which he handed to Iruka, much to the chuunin's surprise.
As he knelt to coax the water into Naruto's near-totally-unconscious figure, Sasuke murmured, "Crying dehydrates you. Sit there. Rest. Sip at the water."
"But I -- he-- I'm sorry, you shouldn't have had to see that; you shouldn't have to do this, give me a minute and I'll--"
"You don't have to take single-handed responsibility for all the world tonight, Iruka-sensei," Sasuke said, rather sharply. "You're exhausted. Calm down. Rest. Have the discussion tomorrow, when you're both clear-minded." Under his breath, he added, "Besides, I'm planning to have a 'discussion' with your thistle-headed idiot of a husband tonight myself."
Iruka found that his hands were shaking so badly he needed both of them cupped to the glass to be able to drink without spilling.
Silently, Sasuke lifted Naruto onto the sofa, and set a wastebasket beside his head just in case. He put a blanket on the floor a few feet away, and set his scroll beside it, and then he walked over to sit on his heels by Iruka, with something strange and not quite as unreadable as usual in his dark eyes -- almost pity.
"Do you think you're up for stairs, or shall I bring a futon down?"
Iruka's spine stiffened despite himself -- and then he nearly laughed aloud. So quickly the tables turn -- wasn't I just thinking how hard it was for him to accept help, that I would be more sensible than he'd been...? The gods of irony are sick, sick bastards.
Iruka cleared his throat, and some lingering remnant of pride had him struggle to keep his voice steady while he said, "May I borrow your shoulder?"
Sasuke's slighter height fit quite conveniently beneath the curve of Iruka's arm; the younger man matched his steps to Iruka's carefully, and helped him into the bedroom, and somehow managed not to comment at the pile of books and papers Iruka had dumped on Kakashi's half of the futon earlier.
Iruka, looking at them, gulped hard. "Sasuke-kun...? Do you think he's angry with me...?"
"Him angry at you? After tonight?" Sasuke shook his head, and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'imbecile' under his breath. "Iruka-sensei, go to sleep."
With a quiet sigh, Iruka lay down on the futon and stared at the wall. Sasuke considered it for a moment, then apparently judged it close enough to resting. The dark-haired boy wavered for a long moment, then knelt at Iruka's side and bent and brushed a kiss against Iruka's forehead.
Iruka's startled flinch nearly gave Sasuke's already-injured nose a more permanent set of damage.
With his face burning a dull pink, Sasuke said, "Never mind. Forget it. It's just... my parents would... oh, never mind; it's just--" Sasuke bit his lip, and then said fiercely, "He doesn't deserve you!"
And the boy all but fled, leaving Iruka staring into the dark, shaking all over, his mind awhirl in a dozen different panic-stricken directions at once.
Songs (no longer cited) in the mad karaoke spree:
SCENE REMOVAL: No songs allowed
End note:
Obligatory note and/or hazard alert: I'm a J-pop addict who hasn't even entered a recovery program. But I'm mercifully restraining myself from inflicting untranslated J-pop on you, no matter how tempted I was by several insanely appropriate J-pop songs for this section. Besides. If Sakura spoke English and got drunk in a stateside karaoke bar, you just know she'd be singing Backstreet Boys... mwahahaa! (The scary thing is chances are good she'd end up singing Backstreet Boys even in a Japanese karaoke bar. The karaoke places have tracks for just about any American song you can name, too.)
If it weren't for the fact that Kakashi was having far more fun dropping hints about singing something while neatly sidestepping the actual singing itself and snickering to himself about how the kids hadn't managed to trap him yet... I really really wanted to use a song that Inoue Kazuhiko (Kakashi's voice actor) had sung himself, because damn but the man can sing (see also my mad transliterating and translating spree over at But the song that would have been absolutely perfect for him and Iruka to sing on a tipsy night in a karaoke bar also required Iruka to be there. Which just didn't work this time. Maybe some other story...
The one I desperately, desperately wanted the excuse to work into this chapter was a duet between Inoue Kazuhiko and Seki Toshihiko (Kakashi and Iruka's voice actors). It's a duet called "Furigana (Rubi)" from Warera Konsen Gasshoudan and it's fall-on-the-floor hilarious. They sound like a drunk-out-of-their-minds pair of literary snobs holding either the world's most embittered flame war or the world's most horribly-gone-wrong long-distance pen-pal love affair, or both... I translated it over at AnimeLyrics if anyone wants to see what it's about. It's on a two-CD set called Seiyuu Graffiti (VICL-40159 and 40160) which is tricky to find but well worth the hunt. End of fangirl rambling now...
So that's why I tried to find some American equivalents by people at about the same popularity level despite the fact that I don't actually listen to American pop much -- so that the true horror of this could be appreciated by an English-speaking audience. After all, what use is inflicting writhing misery on unsuspecting victims unless they understand that they're being abused? mwahahaha(chokewheezehack)erm... right.
Oh yeah, and I couldn't help making one bemused observation from my stats page about relative size of fandoms. The "Sound Effects" spinoff has gotten more hits in three weeks than any of my Cain fics have gotten in six months... and the "Gravitation" fic has gotten more hits in two weeks than ALL my Cain fics put together in six months. ;;; Which is just as well in a way, because I haven't got time to finish the Cain mystery for the foreseeable future -- mystery-writing requires enough time to sit down and work out the details of a twisted whodunnit without tipping my hand, and regular non-mystery plotting is about all I have time to pretend to juggle at the moment, but still. Interesting perspective on how many fans different series have...
Small preview, aside from what you know is happening in the next release because I'm too fried now to finish this one properly (see also the rant at the top):
Now that the kids are here, Iruka's going to have to find some way to come up with a cover story and non-ninja occupations for them too. (da-da-DUMMMM... and no he's not letting Kakashi do the guidance counseling, lest Naruto decide his new calling in life is to become the world's first professionally-slacking bar-prop ramen-taster.)
Chibi-Naruto (hic): Hey, but we have jobs-- our jobs are learning, uh, whazzuma... suh... not sundae... sutterty no jutsu! 'Cause it's, like, advanced an' stuff!
Chibi-Sakura (hitting him over the head with the rather thick karaoke book): Yeah, but we can't say that to people, you idiot!
Chibi-Naruto: Er... uh... right. (scratching behind ear) ehehehe...