It's all Greek to me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "And so our grand quest begins. Follow me ... to victory! I have no idea where I'm going"
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And here we are, with another chapter title giving a nod to the TV series, what Icarus calls Hercules a number of times. Cookies for everyone who gets the comic hero's (and ship) I snuck into this scene
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ACT 6 - Tool of the Goat-man
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Sam and Jottern finally land on an island, that seems deserted, bar from a whole lot of goats jumping around, bleating
"You sure this is the right place?", asks Sam.
"What are you asking me for?", mutters Scott, "Wings was flying us!"
"All I can see is your...", mutters Warren.
"People", says Evan, "please! focus!"
Jottern gives a nod, before giggling is heard. Sam goes over to some bushes, peering through, seeing Scaleface, Dr Deborah Ristman and Kelly's assistant, Dorothy dressed as Nymphs.
"Wow...you're using unimportant characters now too?", asks Sam.
"UNIMPORTANT!", snarls Scaleface.
"He didn't mean you, Scaleface", laughs Evan nervously, "This is a very big cast, bigger than Evo's main one..so there!"
Sam hears a bleat, seeing a pair of goat legs sticking out of the bush
"What's the matter, little guy? You stuck?", he asks.
He reaches down, plucking the 'goat' out of the bush, only to find he has Logan's torso, go special effects!
"HAH!", laughs Sabertooth off-stage
"Bite me, Creed", mutters Logan, before glaring at Sam, "Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy!"
Sam gives a yelp of surprise, dropping Logan. This scares the nymphs, sending them running in all direction, turning into flowers and the like as Logan chases after them.
"Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back, come back, come back", he sighs as Scaleface turns into a tree, "Whoa, whoa. Oh, nymphs! They can't keep their hands off me"
Scaleface, the tree, wallops Logan with her branches. Logan mutters, rubbing his head as he walks over to Sam, who is still gawping at him.
"Okay, I know I look weird, quit it!", mutters Logan, "What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?"
"Uh.. no", says Sam, "Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Loganctetes"
Logan picks up a bowl of grapes, tosses the grapes out and casually begins to eat the bowl
"Call me Logan"
Sam grins, grabbing Logan's hand, shaking it, crushing it at the same time
"Logan!", he says.
"Owwww!", says Logan, looking at his damaged hand, "how can this kid break adamantium bones? HOW!"
"Boy, am a'h glad to meet you!", says Sam, "Ah'm Samuel. This is Jottern"
Before Logan can get over his crushed hand, Jottern licks him
"Pixie drink, pixie drink!", giggles Scott.
"Aaaaaanimals!", bleats Logan, "Disgusting!"
"Oh, bleat again, it's fun!", grins Sabertooth, clapping his hands.
"A'h need your help", says Sam, "A'h want to become a hero. A true hero"
"Sorry, kid, can't help ya", says Logan.
He goes inside his little door, his house made out of a huge stone head, slamming the door behind him.
"Wait!", shouts Sam.
He goes to pull open the door, ending up pulling it off, Logan still attached to the other side
"Whah!", says Logan, dangling from the door handle.
"Uh, sorry", says Sam, "Why not?"
Logan snatches his door from Sam, going to fix it back onto his house
"Two words: I am retired"
Sam blinks, counting on his fingers, before dismissing it
"Look, a'h gotta do this", he says, "Haven't you ever had a dream, something you wanted so bad you'd do anything?"
Logan sighs, gesturing Sam inside his house
"Kid, come inside", he says, "I want to show you something"
As Sam goes inside, Jottern tries to follow, only managing to get his front half in, the rest becoming stuck.
"OWWWW!", snap Jean and Warren.
"Mmm", ponders Scott, "I appear to be caught on something"
"Yeah", says Warren, "us!"
"Idiot", hisses Jean
Inside Logan's house, we see many, many different memorabilia from various Comic myths. Sam, being the tall klutz he is bangs his head on a piece of wood hanging from the ceiling.
"Watch it!", snaps Logan, "That was part of the mast of the Oracle!"
"The Oracle!", asks Sam in wonder.
"Yeah. Who do you think taught Namor how to sail? Sue Storm?", Logan snorts, "I trained all those would-be heroes. Clarkeus, Flasheus, Grimmeseus. A lot of 'yeuseus'".
He sighs, flipping a plate, showing a certain green-skinned super-hero being pummelled into the ground
"And every single one of those bums let me down", he says, "Flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance"
He stops by a huge statue of Captain America
"And then there was Steveilles", he says with pride, "Now there was a guy who had it all - the build, the foot speed. He could jab, he could take a hit, he could keep on comin'"
Logan pauses before growling
"But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and..", he flicks the statue's heel, the statue crumbles into dust, "Kaboom! He's history!"
Logan gives a defeated sigh, walking over to a piece of cloth folded up
"Yeah, I had a dream once", he says, "I dreamed I was gonna train the greatest hero there ever was"
He hangs the cloth up, showing little holes cut out in the shape of a hero, standing in the night sky, the light shining through the holes making it look like they were stars
"So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars... All across the sky, and people would say, 'That's Logan's boy'", Logan sniffs, "That's right"
Logan gives another sniffle before frowning, tearing down the cloth, Sam standing behind it in place of the stars
"Eh, but dreams are for rookies", he says, "A guy can only take so much disappointment"
"But a'h am different than those other guys, Logan!", says Sam, "A'h can go the distance Come on, ah'll show you"
He grabs Logan's arm, dragging him outside
"Geez, you don't give up, do ya?", mutters Logan.
"Watch this!", says Sam proudly.
He picks up an enormous stone discus, twirling it around in the air before releasing it, letting it fly into the distance. Logan's jaw drops, his head cocked to the side.
"Holy Raven.. You know maybe if I...", he blinks, snaking his head clear, "No! Snap out of it! I am too old to get mixed up in this stuff again!"
"But if a'h don't become a true hero, ah'll never be able to rejoin my father, Sabes", says Sam sadly.
Logan pauses
"Hold it! Sabes is your father, right?"
"Uh-huh", says Sam as Logan begins to snicker.
"Sabes! The big guy. He's your daddy! Mr. Lightning Bolts, Read me a book, will ya.. da-da?", Logan laughs, mimicking Sabertooth, pulling off his voice very well, "Once upon a time..."
"...That scares me a little", says Sabertooth.
Logan collapses in a fit of laughter
"It's the truth!", protests Sam.
"Please!", says Logan, sliding down a bank, landing among a garden full of statute, beginning to sing.
So you wanna be a hero, kid, well, whoop-de-do
I
have been around the block before with blockheads just like you
Each
and every one was disappointment
Pain for which there ain't no ointment
Jottern sniffs a little statue, making a stone head of a gorgon land on Logan's head. Logan winces, before continuing to sing.
So much for excuses
Though
'a kid of Sabes' is
Asking
me to jump into the fray
My
answer is two words
He doesn't notice the storm clouds gathering around him until he is hit by a lightening bolt
"MAN!", Laughs Sabertooth, "That felt GOOD!"
Logan coughs out his next word, smoke coming out of his mouth
"Okay"
Sam grins, happily following a less than enthusiastic Logan
"You mean you'll do it?"
"You win", sighs Logan
"You won't be sorry, Logan", assures Sam
"Oh, gods".
"So when do we start?", asks Sam eagerly, "Can we start now?"
"Oy, vay", Logan sighs, before dragging out a big case hidden behind bushes, going back to his musical number.
I'd given up hope that someone would come along
A
fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong
Sam goes to help, only pulling the entire chest up, dropping the contents on Logan's head
"I'm glad I have a healing factor, I really am", mutters Logan.
Logan grabs a trophy, saying 1 place, until he wipes the dust off it, showing it was actually 11th place, as he sings.
The kind who wins trophies
Won't
settle for low fees
At
least semi-pro fees
But
nooooooo, I get the greenhorn!
He squeaks as Sam tries to pull a sword out of a tree, uprooting the whole thing, dropping it on top of Logan, covering his horns in olives
I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone
Content
to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn
We see Logan 'grazing' his lawn with an army of goats, and the run down garden turning into a great training-field
"Grass...yuck...", Logan pulls a face before going back to singing.
But you need an advisor
A
satyr, but wiser
A
good merchandiser and...whhhhooooaaa!
He tries to right Sam's arrow-shooting, only to be shot himself into a few bushes and then a wall
"There goes my ulcer!", he winces.
I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you
Though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true
We see Logan standing on a pillar, measuring Sam's non muscles, shaking his head and making him do pushups, Jottern counting them
"Come on you spineless wussy", says Scott, "feel the burn!"
Sam tries to balance a egg on a spoon, while walking a tightrope, not surprisingly, he drops it on Logan's head, the eggs, through Logan's rage, boil, which Jottern licks off
I trained enough turkeys
Who
never came through
You're
my only last hope
So
you'll have to do
We cut to autumn, where a doll 'damsel' is tied to a stick, surrounded by fire
"Rule number 6", says Logan, "When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care"
Sam grabs the 'damsel' her limbs falling off. He trips on a log crossing a river, falling in, watching as the 'damsel's' head floats past
"No!", shouts Logan.
We see Sam surrounded by cut-out monsters, all with targets on them, Sam holding a bunch of throwing knives
"Rule number 95, kid", says Logan, "Concentrate!"
Sam tosses the knives, pinning Logan to the tree, missing a VERY important part of Logan's anatomy by inches
"Meep", squeaks Logan, "Rule number 96: Aim!"
It turns to winter, where the 'damsel', now with her eye popping out and seams falling apart, is hanging from a cliff
Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery
Don't
believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery
Sam swings across on a rope, grabbing the 'damsel' only to swing past a cliff, tearing her apart. We see another training programme, where the monster targets are moving, every one of Sam's knives miss, except the last one he tosses half-heartedly. Logan, meanwhile, is still signing.
"This song has been sung all year" mutters Evan.
To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art
Like
painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart
It takes more then sinew
Comes
down to what's in you
You
have to continue To grow!
Through the magic of ruthless training, we now have a bigger, buffer Sam. Logan is now balanced on many pillars to measure his muscles, which break the tape
"Now that's more like it!", says Logan
"Buff Sam...hot buff Sam...", chant the X-Girls
Sam gives a nervous laugh, making a mental note to take the back way out.
I'm down to one last shot and my last high note
Before
that blasted underworld gets my goat
My
dreams are on you, kid
Go
make 'em come true
Climb that uphill slope
Keep
pushing that envelope
You're
my one last hope
And,
kid, it's up to you
Sam goes through a obstacle course, managing to rescue the 'damsel' and cut the heads off all the monsters. Sam grins, dropping the battered 'damsel' on Logan's horns, giving Jottern a high-five.
"Did you see that?", grins Sam, "Next stop, Olympus!"
"All right, just take it easy, champ", says Logan
"A'h am ready, a'h want to get off this island", says Sam, "A'h want to see battles and monsters! Rescue some damsels.. You know, heroic stuff"
Jottern perches on Sam's shoulder giving Logan puppy eyes
"Well..", starts Logan
"Aw, come on, Logan", says Sam.
"Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid", Logan grins, "We're going to Bayville!"
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Next up, you finally get to meet our Meg! Do review. Until next time..