It's all Greek to me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "You've got guts, kid! And you've got spunk! Not to mention moxy! You've got guts, spunk, and moxy!"
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ACT 8 - The big olive.
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We open on Logan and Sam flying on Jottern over Bayville
"Wow! Is that all one town?", asks Sam in awe.
"One town", says Logan, "A million troubles"
"BECAUSE OF THE MUTANTS!", screams Kelly backstage.
"Who let him out of his box!", shouts Evan, "Get him back in there!"
"But it's dark and scary!", whimpers Kelly as he's dragged off, "I want my Mommie"
"Ahem", Logan smiles, "The one and only Bayville. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. "
On the ground, the three cross the street, only to be almost knocked down by a speeding carriage
"Look where you're goin' numbskull!", shouts the Jason (the Jason that was Dracula, as opposed to Monkey-Face Jason)
"…Hey…that hurt", says Jason sadly, "you're not getting anymore special effects from me!"
"Awww, we're sorry, Jas'", says Evan, "here, have a banana"
"Thanks", says Jason, then blinks at the banana in his hand, "….hey"
"Hey, I'm walkin' here!", shouts Logan, "You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you - wackos".
As the trio walk down some steps, Nick Fury jumps out in front of them.
"Hey, Mack", says Nick, then opens his trench coats at them, "You wanna buy a sundial?"
Various sundials are hanging from his coat. Logan shudders pushing him away
"He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid"
"Awww, but they're real good", says Nick sadly.
Suddenly, Apocalypse runs over, dressed only in a piece of pillar, grabbing Sam's toga.
"The end is coming!", he cries, "Can't you feel it?"
Logan swats him off
"Yes, yes. Thank you for the info", he says, "Yes. We'll ponder that for a while"
He drags Sam along out of the way
"Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts", he says, "That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered"
We go to a small fountain, where Caliban, Callisto, Viper, Hank and Black Eagle are gathered
"It was tragic!", says Callisto, "We lost everything in the fire"
"Everything exccccept old Ssssssnowball here", hisses Caliban.
Caliban holds up 'Snowball' a now charred black and electrically shocked cat, who lets out a pitiful mew, smoke coming out of it's mouth
"Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake?", asks Hank.
Viper, now very shaky holds a vase, which Callisto drips water into, the water leaking out through holes in the bottom
"They were after the earthquake, I remember", she judders
"But before the flood", says Callisto.
"Don't even get me started on the crime rate", mutters Black Eagle.
"Bayville has certainly gone downhill in a hurry", sighs Callisto, "I should have stayed in the sewers"
"Tell me about it", rants Black Eagle, "It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I..."
"All we need now issss a plague or locustssss", cuts in Caliban, breaking off Black Eagles 'old man rant'.
A happy little cricket hops onto the fountain, chirping
"ARRRRRGHHHHHHH!"
"It's only a happy little...", starts Evan.
"ARRRGHHHHHH!", scream the Bayvillians again.
"...Okay", blinks Evan.
"That's it!", snaps Black Eagle, "I'm movin' to Gotham!"
As the group start to leave, Sam walks up.
"Excuse me. It uh...ahem...", Sam clears his throat, using his 'hero voice' again, "seems to me that what you folks need is a hero"
The Bayvillians all give him that dry, unimpressed look
"Yeah, and who are you?", asks Hank.
"Ah'm Samuel, and, uh, a'h happen to be..."
Sam pauses striking a pose
"A hero"
Instead of an awed silence, or applause, the Bayvillians laugh
"Is that so?", smirks Black Eagle
"A hero!", laughs Callisto
"Have you ever saved a town before?", asks Black Eagle, jabbing Sam with his cane.
"Oww", says Sam, "Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but A'h..."
" Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?", asks Hank.
"Well, uh... no"
"Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser", snorts Hank, "This we need"
"That's a laugh", snorts Callisto.
The Bayvillians start to walk off, leaving Sam feeling dejected
"Don't you pea brains get it!", shouts Logan, causing the Bayvillians to turn and look at him, "This kid is a genuine article".
"Hey, issssn't that the goat-man who trained Sssstevillessss?", asks Caliban, squinting at Logan.
Logan narrows his eyes, THE RAGE building
"Watch it, Pal!", he growls.
"Yeah, you're right", laughs Hank, "Hey, nice job on those heels! You missed a spot!"
The crowd erupts into laugher
"I got your heel right here!", snarls Logan, "BEZERKER RAGE!"
With a snarl, he leaps at Hank, pummelling him, before biting a whole in the seat of his pants
"Mother!", screams Hank, "Logan, down! Acting, acting!"
"I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You...", snarls Logan.
Sam rushes over, pulling Logan off
"Hey Logan! Logan! Logan! Take it easy, Logan", says Sam, "Down boy!"
"What are you, crazy?", asks Hank, "Seesh!"
"Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur", says Callisto.
With that, the crowd walks off
"Well, wait. Stop!", Sam sighs, sliding down the wall sadly to sit down, "How am a'h supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance?"
"You'll get your chance, you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster", assures Logan.
Suddenly, Tabby appears, rushing through the crowd
"Please! Help! Please!", she says, "There's been a terrible accident!"
"Tabby?", asks Sam, looking up.
"Speaking of disasters", mutters Logan.
Sam stands as Tabby rushes over to him
"Wonderboy!", he says relived, "Samuel! Thank goodness!"
"Wha...what's wrong?", asks Sam.
"Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge", she says, "There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped!"
Sam looks shocked
"Kids? Trapped?", he whispers, then grins, "Logan, this is great!"
"...You are really choked up about this, aren't ya?", asks Tabby, crossing her arms.
Sam grins, pulling her onto Jottern
"Come on!"
"No, I...You don't under...I have this terrible fear of heeeeeiiiights!", screams Tabby.
Jottern gives an evil laugh, flying higher up
"Vengance!", laughs Scott.
"Oh, shut up, Scott", snaps Jean.
"Geez, who needs to lay off the gut bombs?", asks Warren, "you guys weight a ton"
On the ground, Logan is running with the crowd towards the gorge
"I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo!", he pants, slowing down on his stubby little goat legs, "I am way behind ya, kid. I got a fur wedgie"
"Thanks for sharing", grimaces Evan.
Jottern finally lands in the gorge, after doing a few twists and turns in the air. Sam jumps off, moving to help Tabby off, her hair frizzled and out of place
"Are you okay?", asks Sam.
"I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery", Tabby slurs.
They run over to a rock, where two children, a chubby one and a skinny one- who looks frighteningly like Havok, are trapped
"Help! I can't breathe!", shouts Chubby-Boy
"Hurry!", whines Scary-Havok-Boy.
"Get us out!", form Chubby-Boy
"We're suffocating!", says Scary-Havok-Boy, "Somebody call IX-I-I"
"Will you stop calling him 'Scary-Havok Boy'?", asks Alex, "it makes me uncomfortable".
"Easy fellas, you'll be all right", says Sam.
"We can't last much longer!", cries Chubby-Boy
"Get us out before we get crushed!", says Scary-Havok-Boy.
Sam picks up the boulder, allowing the boys to escape, the crowd applauds lightly and boredly...kinda like you do when you don't like the act, but it's impolite not to clap.
"How you boys doin'?", asks Sam
"We're okay now", says Scary-Havok-Boy
"Jeepers, mister, you are really strong!", says Chubby-Boy in awe.
Sam clears his throat, using his 'hero voice'
"Well, try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids?"
"We sure will!", smiles Scary-Havok-Boy.
Sam tosses away the rock as the boys run off up the mountain out of sight, where Pyro is waiting for them, sitting in a rock chair, eating...eww.. worms.
"Jelly worms!", says Pyro, "A stirring performance, boys. I was really moved"
"'Jeepers", asks Scary-Havok-Boy, turning into Todd, "Mister'?"
"I was going for", Chubby-Boy turns into Freddy, "innocence"
Pyro grins, sticking up two flaming thumbs, looking at Tabby, who has moved to by them.
"And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady. What a dish. What a doll".
"Get outta there, you big lug, while you still can", whispers Tabby.
Logan plods, exhausted, over to Sam in the gorge
"Logan! I did great. They even applauded", Sam pauses, "...sort of"
There is a low, deadly growling from the cave
"Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause", says Logan.
Two feral eyes light up in the darkness of the cave as the growling gets louder
"DUN DUN DUUUUUN!", shouts Evan, "Cliff-hanger!"
"Not if they've seen the movie", says Sam, "…or read this parody the first time around"
"It's a cliff-hanger, now shut up!", snaps Evan.
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Oh yes, Sam must defeat a big, evil self-duplicating monster...can you see where I'm going with this? Do review. Until next time...