Authors Notes:Not much here to say I guess. Except that this is a tearjerker kinda chappy about Sesshy's past. I figure I have to show why he's such a cold unfeeling youkai(at last my theory) so Kagome can begin to work past that. His past takes a lot of shape in this chappy. Get the tissues out because this chappy involves Akari! And someone a long time ago asked why Kagome was dreaming of Sesshy's past. Just wait a find out mwahahahaha!
Actually it's very simple….
What, you thought I was gonna tell here? Read on!
Disclaimer:I do not own Inu Yasha, I do not own Fuel or their lyrics.
Bad Day
Chapter 20- You'll Taste My Pain
Only an hour or so later, Kagome watched from under a sakura tree as Onryou was chasing Jaken alongside Rin and Shippou, laughing gleefully. It wasn't until the group had seen this that they noticed just how young Onryou truly was. Maybe fifteen or sixteen? By human standards he was already a man at that age, but by youkai standards, he was still young. Shippou and Rin had taken to him fabulously, and the 'punishment' had become a way for the heir to a small forest to finally cut loose and be a kid.
"I guess he really did just have the wrong image of his father," Sango murmured as she watched Onryou send some sort of gas at the toad demon, which Shippou lit on fire.
"It's not uncommon. He just didn't have the whole story. Now, it seems that we have a much kinder babysitter than Jaken, and one the children enjoy being around," Miroku told her. Kagome nodded, looking at Sesshoumaru once again. He still hadn't acknowledged their kiss in any way shape or form.
Would he ever?
It was the day of their departure. Kagome sighed. She had tried to argue with Sesshoumaru about staying a few more days. Her period would be a great hassle, but he had simply said if it would be that much of an inconvenience, she might as well stay behind. Her arguments had quickly died.
Onryou was going with them. Sesshoumaru would be keeping a sharp eye out on him. So far he hadn't done anything wrong, but Kagome knew better than anyone it could only take time. The two children would stay with Kentetsu, who seemed delighted he could watch the young ones torture Jaken.
Sesshoumaru himself had acted as he had before Rin had come along to soften his demeanor somewhat.
And that's to say, a cold unfeeling bastard.
This attitude did nothing to help Kagome, who was already craving chocolate in the form of ice cream, and it seemed that ancient Japan had never heard of such a thing.
Blasphemy.
But she had to content herself.
As she hugged Shippou goodbye one last time, she felt a tear slip from her cheek.
"Don't worry mama, everything will be okay. I'll see you in a couple of weeks," He told her. Kagome nodded and chalked her tears up to her period as she watched him scamper over to Kentetsu.
After goodbyes had been said, they set out. Kagome rode Ah Un and Sesshoumaru flew next to her. Miroku and Sango rode Kirara, but Sango was threatening to make Miroku ride on Sesshoumaru's back.
The entire time Sesshoumaru said nothing.
On the back of Ah Un Kagome was able to relax and read her book, which happened to be a math book. She found Sesshoumaru had left little notes to help guide her. She wondered when he had done that.
The day progressed and they stopped for a light meal and rest, then they started again. Sesshoumaru was setting a grueling pace to find the shards.
Three days had progressed this way, and Kagome found herself getting over the worst of her time. Sesshoumaru had commented on her obsession with reading, and she had quickly explained it was for school and that she had to know the complicated problems or else she would fail her class and disappoint her mother and a good friend (who she didn't mention was Sesshoumaru).
Sesshoumaru understood this in a way. It was the same thing he had gone through. He had to be intelligent or else he would shame his family. Though it was a rare thing for a woman to be a scholar in his time.
As they settled down for the night, Kagome unrolled her sleeping bag with a happy sigh. Her stomach had been cramping and made it hard to study, and she was exhausted from the pace they had set.
Laying down, she noticed Sesshoumaru leaving the camp, and wondering where he was going, she followed behind, trying to make sure he didn't notice her.
"Go back Kagome. I wish to be alone," Sesshoumaru almost growled at her suddenly. Kagome stepped back a pace, and without saying a word, she fled back for her sleeping bag.
Sesshoumaru just continued to walk forward, towards a spring he smelled.
He slipped his armor and clothing off quickly and quietly, then walked into the spring, feeling the cool waters caress his body as he sat on the shallow, sandy bottom.
Only now that he was alone did he dare let his thoughts travel the path they seemed determined to go upon.
'Father, why did you say such things? It was as if you cared for me not at all. Yet, I was everything you were, and better. Why is it you were so determined to destroy my pride?' Sesshoumaru asked himself. He let his mind wander back to the many times his father had publicly insulted him, made him feel foolish and wounded his pride. Above all, he had strived for the approval of his father, and when he had not achieved it, he had shut himself off. He knew that. It was a survival tactic. In his world, any sign of vulnerability would bring swift pain.
For years he had worked on a mask, a façade, that would make others believe he was an impenetrable force. A strong youkai who brought the honor back to his family house and name.
As he looked back over time, he saw he had succeeded in a fashion. People respected the power he had, and feared it. Very few would betray him. Important tasks were upon his shoulders, his burden, and for it he felt a surge of pride. Others saw what his father could not. A strong youkai who needed no one and nothing save himself.
Even with one arm people still respected and feared him. For a time the courts had tested him, testing how weak the injury had made him. The foolish few who had done so had found quickly that he had not been disabled in the least.
Now he walked with stealth instead of pride or shame. His father had wanted a warrior and instead had created a stealthy assassin, a killer with no prejudice as to his victims.
'Would you be proud of me father? Or are you proud of that hanyou, who also betrayed a woman, as you did, and he uses the sword you gave him like some stick, not knowing or understanding it's true purpose?'
He didn't expect an answer, and none was given. He was digusted with himself, still thinking on his younger years as a foolish pup, looking for his father's approval, still seeking some way to assure himself his father did indeed, approve.
Shaking his head, he climbed out of the spring and shook dry, then donned his clothing and armor once more. Walking back to camp, he reflected on the miko that had taken over his dreams.
She was a puzzle if there ever was one. How could such a strong woman still be so innocent? How could she kill and still feel torn apart, even though it had been a situation of kill or be killed? How could she still be untouched when she kissed him so passionately?
Sesshoumaru shook his head violently, as if trying to dislodge the thoughts from his brain.
She was a human. She was strong, and a miko, but that's it. Merely a partner to help him defeat Naraku.
Surprisingly, he found himself contemplating what would happen after that. Or maybe not such a surprise after all. He thought things through all the time, even their end.
Oddly, the thought of Kagome leaving left him with a sense of loss. He had gotten used to her rather quickly. She brought something spontaneous into his life, and up until recently, he hadn't known how much he missed it. The last time something out of order had happened, it was with Lord Hi's daughter, and since then life had been rather dull and orderly. Even Rin's actions had become routine.
Sitting, he let himself exhaustion take over. Even youkai had to sleep sometimes.
'Son, you have to fight and be strong. You look like some flower that will be torn by the first harsh wind that comes along. You must be strong,' Inu Taisho told him. Sesshoumaru looked up to his father. He had been a mere eleven at the time, yet was already strong and fit. What more could his father want of him?
'Father, I challenge you to a fight,' He stated coldly. Inu Taisho merely grinned and unsheathed his katana. Sesshoumaru did the same, knowing if he did not draw his father's blood, it would have to be his own upon the blade.
Inu Taisho lunged towards him, his face expressionless. Sesshoumaru knew he would have to draw his father into a full rage before he would win.
Ducking and running behind his father, he snorted with contempt showing on his face, and none of it feigned.
'Can't you do better old man? Or has lying with the humans caused you to become sluggish?' His younger self sneered. Sesshoumaru watched this in a sort of daze. Had he ever been so emotional? Years ago he knew he had been filled with hate, but had he truly shown so much?
Inu Taisho lunged again and again, and each time his younger self sneered and snapped some comment meant to deal his old man's pride a blow.
Sesshoumaru watched as Inu Taisho lost his temper finally, and his eyes turned red with rage. Sesshoumaru struck, and drew his father's blood, but in the process the older youkai tripped him and pushed the point of the blade to his throat.
'Sesshoumaru, you will never win until you can control your actions,' Inu Taisho told him as he nicked the milky throat of his son.
'I wasn't the one who let my temper take reign a few minutes ago,' the pup snorted as he stood and sheathed his blade as well. Inu Taisho said nothing, he merely exited the dojo.
Sesshoumaru was thrust from the dream and right into another, one dream after the other, all nothing more than memories of the past. The last one though, was his worst memory to date, and probably would always be. The day he promised to never act rashly and because of emotions again.
'Sesshoumaru, do not despise your father,' His mother said in a weak voice. Sesshoumaru sat by Akari's bed, looking at her pale, wan form. His father had done this to her with his infidelity and his mistress and that brat. It was their fault his mother was dying here now.
'I don't despise him mother, I hate him,' Sesshoumaru said as he held her hand. So fragile. How had she survived so long? He was only sixteen, yet already he felt the urge to kill. His father to be exact.
'Don't hate him. You two are so much alike Sesshoumaru, my beloved warrior,' She said. 'Do not ever forget how to love. I love you,' She whispered.
'And I love you mother. I love you best of all,' He told her. He didn't make the promise she asked. He didn't know if she realized this. But before he knew it, her youki faded, as did her heart. She was dead.
Crimson stained his vision as he felt her hand go limp within his grasp. As he felt her body go cold.
He stared at the corpse of his beautiful mother. The only one to ever truly care about him, to know him, to see him.
And he tore from the room, startling servants and guests alike as he sped through the halls and the gardens, straight for the teahouse where he knew his father sat with that human whore Hasu.
As he arrived, he saw Inu Yasha on his father's lap. With an angry snarl he threw the pup to the side and pinned his father against a wall. At sixteen he matched his father's height, and his rage made him so much stronger.
'You killed her you bastard!' Sesshoumaru snarled as his eyes took in his father's calm face. The older youkai said nothing as his son through him through the stone wall fo the teahouse. Sesshoumaru cracked his knuckles, feeling the poison, potent and hot, rise through his veins and into his claws.
'Do you really wish to do this son?' Inu Taisho had asked. Sesshoumaru had merely stopped and stood back.
His father had just called him son for the first time he could remember. Now that Akari, his beautiful mother, was dead, his father elected to call him son. Because the old man knew he was about to die and that the whore would be next. Sesshoumaru let the poison drip to the ground, sizzling like an acid as it singed the flowers beneath him.
'No father, I want to leave you with a token, a sort of reminder of this day. The day you finally killed your wife,' Sesshoumaru spat as he jumped on his fathers prone form and ripped the kimono his father wore. 'Remember. For my mother you bastard,' He had whispered as he had drawn a crescent moon on his father's chest with the poisoned claw. The flesh sizzled and charred, the smell rising to his nostrils, welcome and nauseating at once. It would heal, but there would always be a scar in the shape of a perfect crescent moon there.
As he had walked away, he saw the frightened look on the whore's face, and the tears in the pup's eyes.
And he resolved to never act rashly and because of emotions ever again. His vow included that his mother was the last person he would ever let into his heart, and now she was dead.
He had no one but himself.
Sesshoumaru awoke to the smell of sweat and tortured groaning. The sweat was his own, as well as Kagome's. The groaning was coming from her lips as she twisted and turned in her sleeping bag fitfully.
He caught snatches of semi-coherent words here and there as he watched he.
"No Sesshoumaru, there's others to care about" Was the phrase that caught his attention.
Was she dreaming of his life, the same memory he had dreamed? Or was she merely trying to tell him something in a dream she would never tell him in reality?
The question puzzled him for hours. He was still exhausted, but the dreams he had had would not allow him to sleep again this night. So he continued to ponder the questions that came to mind.
Such as, if she was sharing his dream, how? And more importantly, why?
Authors End Notes: Okay, so what you thought would happen to Onryou didn't, but that's pretty normal I suppose for me. I like doing the semi-unexpected in my stories. Wow, 18 reviews this time. Im so happy. And I'm so close to getting 200 reviews, this makes me even happier. Also, someone sent a message to me on myspace, her name Cristina, and she is awesomeness. That was very surprising. I also realized I have yet to update my addys and such because my livejournal is deleted in favor of a new name. Im tempted to change my name. What do you think guys?
Thankies to: Bluediamond-Hime, Arian, Sesshoumaru Lover, Ranchan23, Valkyrie of the Rohirrim, Hoshiko Megami, Kjinuyasha, inlovewithsesshoumaru, DemonQueen14, Golden-Eyed-Girl, serrinaus, AnimeAngelz, miriah, sakura-no-hana-hoshi, Lyn, EmChi, Joey