It's all Greek to me
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "I put a lot of thought into the universe. I came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them. Not to mention, it shows favouritism. Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else?"
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Well, here it is, the final act for the parody. Enjoy.
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ACT 14 - A star is born
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We open on Mt Olympus, where the Gods are in chains, Todd and Fred hovering over them, nudging them along as they march
"Hup, two, three, four, come on, everybody!", says Freddy, "I can't hear you!"
Kurt finches away as he screams down his ear, Todd wearing his snazzy glasses. Meanwhile, Sabertooth's head is just about to be covered by the motleniceyrock.. thing
"I swear to you, Pyro, when I get out of this..."
Pyro rolls his eyes, sitting on a cloud of dark smoke as Sabes' head is covered completely
"Can't...breathe", comes Sabertooth's muffled voice.
"I'm the one giving orders now, bolt boy", says Pyro, "And I think I'm gonna like it here"
He gives a trademark evil chuckle, manifesting a glass, sucking up the jelly worm from it
"Don't get too comfortable, Pyro!", says Sam in his hero voice.
Pyro spits out his jelly worm as the Gods look up to see Sam on Jottern
"Samuel!", grins Roberto, then frowns, "...You know, if I had some sun I wouldn't need..."
"You're the sun God, your helpless, now, shut up!", snaps Evan.
"This ought to even the odds!", shouts Sam.
He uses his sword to slash through the chain, releasing Roberto, Forge, X23, Elektadite and Kurt, who grins happily at his release, getting his glasses back and kicking Todd and Fred around a bit.
"Yeah, Samuel! Thank you, man!", grins Kurt.
Pyro goes FWOOOOFM! Pointing at Sam
"Get them!"
Magma shoots off some magma at Sam, missing him and covering Pyro instead
"IT BUUUUUURNS!", he pauses, "...may I have some more?"
"...St. John...", warns Evan.
"Oh, fine!", snaps Pyro, "Whoa! Hey! No! Get him, not me! Him! Follow the fingers! Him!"
As Sam ducks and waves through the clouds on Jottern, Bobby fires some ice at him, of course, hitting Pyro, freezing him
"This, I like less", chatters Pyro, "The yutz with the horse!"
Jottern flies up to the stone block, where Sam frees Sabertooth
"AIR!", gasps Sabertooth, "Ahem. Thank you, my boy"
Todd and Fred run away as Jottern chases them, catching them with his hooves, hammering them around like a punching bag
"Fool with my emotions will you!", snaps Scott.
"Diiiiiie!", giggles Warren.
"...I'll be glad when I can get out of this costume", mutters Jean.
"Nice horsey! My intentions were pure!", says Freddy, "I really was attracted to you"
"No, you were attracted to the rear end", growls Scott.
"...Yes...and?", asks Freddy, "Jean has to put up with you idiots, I feel sorry for her, being trapped in that costume"
"Awwwwww!", says Jean
"JEAN!", snaps Scott.
"What? You were all ready to ditch me for the hot horse!", growls Jean
"Oh no, I'm stuck between a lovers tiff", sighs Warren, "...please don't start hitting one another until I get out"
Meanwhile, Forge has made more lightning bolts
"Throw!", shouts Sabertooth
"...I'm getting a better job", mutters Forge.
He tosses two leads of lightning at Sabes, who catches them, then grins at Sam
"Hah! Now watch your old man work!", grins Sabertooth
"Uh-oh", say the Lance(s)
Sabes tosses some lightning, doing some trick shots too, as lightning explodes onto Lance. The Titans decide now would be a good time to run away...which they do
"RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!", shout the Titans
"Guys, get your titanic rears in gears and kick some Olympian butt!", shouts Pyro.
Jottern hovers over Pyro, blowing out his flaming hair. Pyro blinks, tapping his bald head
"ARRGHHHHHH!", screams Pyro.
: "Pyro, you're not really bald", says Evan with a sigh, "it's only make up"
"ARRGHH", Pyro stops, "...oh. Whoa, is my hair out?"
Sam grabs Storm's hurricane tail, and uses her to suck up all the other titans
"ARRRGHHHHHH!", scream the Titans.
He then launches them into the sky, where they blow up. Sabes laughs, high-fiving Sam. Pyro gets back on his dark cart, drawn by his evil beastie thingy, heading back to the Underworld.
"Thanks a ton, Wonderboy. But at least I've got one swell consolation prize", he shouts, "A friend of yours who's dying to see me"
Sam pauses half-way from chasing on Jottern, realising what he means
"Tabby!"
We watch as Wanda, Agatha and Destiny pull Tabby's thread of life above their eyes, which is showing Tabby. The scene flashes between Sam racing to earth on Jottern, and Destiny inching closer to the thread. Just before Sam lands, she cuts the thread, and Tabby DIES!
"Oh...I'm dying...oh, the agony", Tabby gasps, "Give all my money to Amara!"
...I said you were DEAD, not DYING!
"..Oh..right", says Tabby, "...dead"
Tabby goes limp. Jottern lands on the ground and rushes over to Tabby, holding her in his arms
"Tabby", says Sam sadly.
Logan shakes his head sadly, and Jottern's wings droop
"The pixies said no one would die", says Scott.
"I want to cry", sniffles Warren.
"Oh, for the love of...", mutters Jean.
"Tabby, no", says Sam sadly.
"Awwww!", says Evan
Logan wipes away a tear from his eye
"LOGAN'S CRYING!", screams Evan, announcing the event to the entire set, who rush to look.
"Am not!", says Logan
"Are SO!", says Evan, "Todd Fan's little narration bit said so!"
Logan pauses, looking up at the last few lines.
"Oh", he says, "I'm sorry, kid. There's some things you just can't change"
Sam looks up determinedly
"Yes a'h can"
We cut to the Underworld, where Pyro's skull castle lights up with flame as Pyro throws a hissy fit
"We were so close! So close. We tripped the finish line", he shouts, "Why? because our little nut, Meg, has to go all noble"
He sits on his throne, muttering darkly...which is quite humorous coming from a nut-job like himself
"Hey...that hurt!", he says.
Suddenly, the ground trembles and Sam breaks through the wall, riding on one of Rahne's three heads
"I cannae believe I'm helping him save HER!", growls Rahne.
"Rahne, it's only an act, honey", smiles Evan
"Bite me", snarls Rahne
She lowers her head, letting Sam step off
"Where's Tabby?", growls Sam.
"Oh, look who's here. Wonderboy", smirks Pyro, "you are too much"
Sam runs over, grabbing the front of Pyro's toga
"Let. Her. Go"
Pyro chuckles, brushing him off
"Get a grip!", he says, "Come here, come here. Let me show you around"
He takes Sam to the river Styx
"Well, well. It's a small underworld after all, huh?", he says.
Sam sees Tabby's soul floating in the river
"I'm a soul, soul soul, in a riiiiver!", she sings
"Tabby!", gasps Sam, reaching in to grab her, his hands turning almost skeletal, "Ahhh!"
He very quickly pulls his hands out again, as they turn back to normal
"That HURT!", he snaps.
"No, no, no. Mustn't touch", smirks Pyro, "You see, Tabby's running with a new crowd these days. And not a very lively one, at that"
"You like making deals", frowns Sam, "Take me in Tabby's place".
Pyro pauses to ponder the proposition
"...More alliteration", says Evan, "head-ache inducing at that"
"Mmmm", says Pyro, "The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death"
"Ooooh that gives me an evil plan!", giggles Magneto, "Oh Luuuucas!"
"Nuh-huh, this one is mine!", snaps Xavier, "Come here, Pietro, Uncle Charles has a surprise for yooou"
"I'm running away now", says Pietro.
"Right behind ye", says Lucas, "Hey, I know a place where there are a lot o' chicks an' beer"
"Chicks and beer?", grins Pietro, "Hey, I love that too!"
The two sons of hated rivals go off to have a night of drunkenness and much joy
"...That was strange and pointless", blinks Evan
"Going once!", says Sam.
"Is there a downside to this?", mutters Pyro.
"Going twice!", says Sam.
"Okay, okay, okay, okay", says Pyro, "You get her out - she goes, you stay"
Pyro grins as Sam dives into the river Styx
"Oh, you know what slipped my mind?", he smirks, "You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?"
Through the magic of special effects, we see Sam getting older and older as he swims after Tabby. Just as his hand closes on Tabby's hand, we see Destiny go to cut his thread of life. When he scissors close on it, however, the thread turns gold, and the scissors bounce off.
"Huh!", says Destiny.
She tries a few more goes at it, the thread not cutting
"What's the matter with these scissors?", asks Wanda.
"The thread won't cut", says Agatha.
By the river Styx, Sam climbs out, young again and glowing, holding Tabby's soul in his arms
"Ooooooh shiny Sam!", grins Evan.
"This is...this is impossible!", blinks Pyro, "You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a..."
"A god?", ask Freddy and Todd in unison.
Sam starts to leave, Pyro following him
"Samuel, stop! You can't do this to me. You can't...", Sam punches his face in, "Owww!"
"Sorry", says Sam.
"Fine, okay, listen. Hah! Okay, well, I deserved that", says Pyro, "Sam. Sam, Sam. Can we talk? Y..Your dad, he's a fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him and he'd kinda blow this whole thing off, you know?"
He holds Tabby's limp soul head, jiggling it as Sam
"Tabby, Tabby, talk to him", he says, "a little schmooze..."
Sam knocks Pyro into the river Styx, his fire going out as he's covered in water
"I'M MELTING!", screams Pyro
"No..you're not", sighs Evan.
The souls in the Styx start to clamber on top of Pyro
"Eew! Get away from me!", he says, "Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! Ooh, ah..."
Todd and Freddy are watching this nervously from above the Styx
"He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there", says Todd.
"You mean, IF he gets outta there", grins Freddy.
Todd pauses, before grinning
"If. If is good", he smiles.
"Taxi! I don't feel so good", shouts Pyro, "I feel a little fluuuuuusssheed"
Pyro disappears in the river of death
"But I am a god, so I can't die!", says Pyro.
"NEXT SCENE!", shouts Evan
"Aren't you going to get me out?", asks Pyro.
Evan ponders on this.
"...No"
Back topside, Sam places Tabby's soul into her body, colour comes back to her face as she wakes up
"Wonderboy", she says, ", what...why did you..."
"People always do crazy things", he says, "... when they are in love"
"...Can I hear an echo?", asks Evan.
They go in to kiss when a cloud poof up under them, lifting them into the sky
"Okay, how many kisses are going to get interrupted!", screams Tabby, "I WANT SAM-SUGAR!"
Jottern takes to the air, following them, knocking Logan onto his back. They all make it to the gates of Olympus, where the gods are cheering
"Must I say this?", asks Roberto.
"Yes", says Evan
"...Fine", mutters Roberto, then says half-heartedly, "Three cheers for the mighty Samuel!"
Kurt grins tossing flowers around
"Oh, Yeah! Flowers for everybody!", he grins.
Sam walks up the steps, stopping by Mystique and Sabes. Mystique grins, giving him a hug
"Squeezing...hard", squeaks Sam.
"Samuel, we're so proud of you", smiles Mystique
"Mother", says Sam
"Brother!", says Kurt, giving him a hug.
"…..No, Kurt, not really", says Sam, "..get off"
Sam squeaks as Sabes pats him on the back, squishing Kurt at the same time.
"Hah! Fine work, my boy!", he grins, ignoring the now unconscious Nightcrawler, "You've done it! You're a true hero"
Mystique nods over to Tabby
"You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman", she says.
"For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart", says Sabertooth, "Now, at last, my son, you can come home"
"...And you couldn't have told me this at the start?", asks Sam.
The gates of Olympus open, and Sam starts to get led in. Tabby sighs watching him go
"Congratulations, Wonderboy", she says sadly, "You'll make one heck of a god"
Sam notices her leaving and sighs
"Father, this is the moment ah've always dreamed of. But...", he goes over to Tabby, taking her hand, "A life without Tabby, even an immortal life, would be... empty. A'h..a'h wish to stay on Earth with her. A'h finally know where a'h belong"
Sam and Tabby FINALLY get to kiss. And Sam stops glowing
"I'll be waiting fer ye by the gate", threatens Rahne darkly.
"Hit it, ladies!", says Kurt, regaining consciousness.
The muses appear on a cloud
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh
Gonna shout it from the mountaintops, sings Rogue.
A star is born!, they sing in unison.
It's the time for pulling out the stops, sings Dani
The mortals get drenched in champagne
A star is born!
Honey, hit us with a hallelu
That
kid came shining through
Jottern knocks heads with Tabby as Logan sidles up to Elektradite, who gives him a passionate kiss
"Booh-yah!", says Logan.
"…That was supposed to be my treat", says Forge sadly.
Girl, sing the song
Come
blow your horn
A
star is born!
Jottern flies them all off the mountain, Sam pulling Logan off Elektradite as they go. When they land in Bayville, Xavier and Gabriel have magically appeared, along with the Bayvillians who all cheer.
He's a hero who can please the crowd
A
star is born!
Come
on, everybody shout out loud
A
star is born!
We watch the sky as Sabes forms the constellation of Samuel
Just remember in the darkest hour
Within
you there's the power
For
makin' you
A hero too
So don't lose hope
When you're forlorn
"That's Logan's boy", says Hank.
Logan sniffs, a tear forming as his dream comes true. They have a big GROUP HUG!
Just keep your eyes
Upon the skies
Every
night
We leave the scene to see the muses dancing in front of a vase with Sam's constellation on it
A star is right in sight
A
star is burning bright
A
star is born
A
star is born
"And it's over", says Evan, "I'm free!"
Marvel's Hercules suddenly appears.
"Thoust hath ruined my legend, you sad little Monkey People!", he snaps.
"Shut up", said Evan.
He sits back to watch the credits roll, ignoring as Tabby and Rahne roll around on the floor, trying to claw each others eyes out. Jottern struggles past
"The zippers caught", cries Scott, "THE ZIPPER'S CAUGHT!"
"Oh no, let me out, please, let me out!", sobs Warren.
"I need to use the bathroom!", cries Jean
Evan hums happily, ignoring the chaos
"Mmmm, this is a huge cast", he says, "I'm gonna fast forward"
As the credits end, we can just hear Pyro's voice in the Styx
"What do you say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something but me! I got NOTHING!", he snaps, "I'm here with nothing. ANYBODY LISTENING? It's like...what am I an echo or something? Helooooooooo! Helooooo! Am I talking to, what? Hyperspace? Hello! It's me! Nobody's listening!"
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END...thank the gods.
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And there is yet another parody done and dusted. Incidentally, Pyro's bit at the end really is in the movie. I discovered it by pure chance one day after having the video for years. Just proves you should NEVER stop watching a movie until the credits have all finished. Do review, thanks for reading!