Despite it all, its still you – it always was, it always will be.

AN: Thanks for all your reviews; you guys don't know how much it means. katbaby: a special thanks to you as you were my first reviewer, I'm glad you like the story. sarah220: she will in the next chapter. PunkRokPixie: Oops, I'm sorry you're right. It's been so long I forgot. I guess we can just assume that since Phoebe was so in love with Cole, she at one time or another told Piper all about the first time she met him. I'd say I'll go back and change it but I'm so busy trying to finish it that I probably won't. GrantingTroyTurner: I'm glad you think the relationship between Piper and Phoebe seems real - that's just what I wanted. Just because the show is fantasy doesn't mean we can't have some real relationships. I also wish we could see something like this on the show. charmed1s-halliwells: I agree, like they say it takes two to tango and Phoebe was also in some ways responsible for the failed relationship - though in this story she'll feel more than slightly responsible. ethereal girl: if you like the soulsearching you'll love this chapter! It's a little longer than the previous ones, but I wanted to get talk about Phoebe's guilt and denial and the reasons for both in one chapter. The previous ones where basically leading to this, this is the one where she'll really explore those feelings and I just thought it would be better if it was all together. Well, here it is - hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 4

Phoebe looked at her older sister as if she couldn't quite figure something out, but after a while she went on. "Yes, it certainly does. Don't get me wrong, I know you're right. By the end we needed to vanquish him. The source had been in him too long, they were too intertwined, there was no other way to stop the source and save Cole. We probably save his soul that way. So, though I regret not having seen the danger before and done something to save Cole, I have no regrets about vanquishing him. No, what I regret is letting it get to the point. I loved him Piper. I was the one that should have known him better than anyone; I should have seen something was wrong."

Piper put her arm about her sister and tried to console her. "I understand what you're saying but I still think you're being too hard on yourself, Pheebs."

Phoebe started to shake her head but she stopped and after a while answered Piper. "Maybe. But after everything that happened I think that is the least I can do. Because not noticing that the source had possessed him and vanquishing him was one thing. And I guess one could excuse it to some extent by the fact that Cole had been a demon and that he was acting evil again. But, what about when he came back? Yeah, I know that he went a little crazy but I was the only person that had ever been there for him. My telling him I wanted nothing to do with him didn't help. In fact, it probably sent him deeper into madness. Everything he had done, he did it to be with me and I threw him out, Piper. Told him I didn't love him anymore."

Piper noticed how that last sentence and Phoebe's tone of voice made it sound as if that had been a lie and she in fact had still loved and maybe even still loves Cole. She thought about bringing it up, but decided that they would get to it soon enough and for now there were more pressing matters. "Phoebe, you know as well as I that we are not responsible for the actions of others. Besides that, you were hurting, honey. It was only natural that you didn't want to be around the person who was responsible for that hurt."

This time Phoebe did shake her head. "No, Piper. Ok, normally we are not responsible for someone else's actions. But in this case . . . Piper, I had promised him that I would always love him and that I would always stand by him. I married him for heaven's sake. He probably came back because he believed in my promises. And he didn't give up because he was sure I had meant them. And, yes you're right. I was hurting and being with him at that time would not have been good. But" she brought her hand up and stopped Piper when she started to talk. "But, I should have realized that I was not the only one hurting. And even if being together as a couple then would not have been good, I could have been there as a friend. If only for all that we have meant to each other, I could have tried to make him see that anything more would not have worked. And I could have helped him. I knew he was not doing well, that he needed help, my help. But I didn't even try. I was too wrapped up in my own pain that I ignored his and I did not even realized that the only way he could have survived the vanquishing was if his soul had still been good. And that that meant he had been an innocent – an innocent that I had failed to save. So, not only did I royally messed up as his lover and friend but I was so blinded I also failed as a Charmed one." Phoebe paused for a minute to catch her breath, as she had been going pretty fast at the end.

Piper took the opportunity to interrupt and told her: "Phoebe if you failed as a Charmed you didn't fail alone. The three of us are the Charmed ones, and if you failed then we all did."

"Maybe. But you were mostly following my lead and responding to my pain. And anyway, I was the one he loved, the one who loved him. It should have been me that realized he needed help. I'm not sure if you guys could have done anything by yourselves. But regardless, I'm not telling you all this to make you feel guilty. That's the last thing I want."

"But you don't mind feeling guilty yourself?"

"No, like I said I need to owe up to my responsibilities. I need to acknowledge them and deal with the emotional repercussions. It's taken me a long time and a lot of soul searching, more than I ever want to do again. But, I've finally gotten to a place where I can look back at everything that happened back then. I can now look back and for the first time see what really happened. As much as it may hurt me, I can now look back without anger and pain clouding my perspective. I can see where I went wrong; I can finally accept that it was not all Cole's fault; that I was also responsible for a lot of what happened." Phoebe stopped for a minute and took a deep breath. After a while she went on. "It was not easy, believe me. I had spent a long time denying that I was in any way responsible for the whole fiasco. Coming to terms with my guilt was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Even if it was necessary."

"Necessary? Why do think that it was necessary?" Asked Piper.

"Because I can't move on until I've dealt with all my issues. I think that's one of the reasons I haven't been able to fall in love again."

Piper once more noticed that Phoebe seemed to hint that she still loved Cole, but once again she let it pass. There were still some things that needed to be dealt with before they got into what Phoebe still felt for Cole and what she intended to do about it. Because Piper knew her sister; and she knew that while Phoebe needed to talk this out – that's not the only reason she was finally talking about it. No, Phoebe was finally talking about it because whether she knew it or not she had come to some decision and was ready for some action. So instead of asking about Phoebe's feelings for Cole, she said: "So, what about Jason, Leslie even Drake? You can't mean to tell me you didn't love them."

"Yes, I love them, but I was not in love with them. And that's another conclusion I just recently arrived at. So, you see this past year has been a very busy one for me - and that's why it may have seemed that I was not always around, even when I was." Phoebe sort of joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.

Piper snorted and said, "You can say that again. So, have you dealt with all your issues, now?

Phoebe sighed and moved to pace to the window and stare out of it. After a while she sighed and went on. "Have I dealt with all my issues? I think so." She stopped for a moment to take a deep breath and as she started talking again she wrapped her arms around her middle. "The thing is, Piper, that after I accepted the responsibility, it all seemed so clear that the question remained: why? Why had it taken me so long to see, to understand? Why had I been so blind, steeped in such denial?"

Piper sighed and tried to comfort her sister, "Honey, you were hurting. It's only normal that you did not want to face it."

"Yes, there is that. I was definitely hurting back then. But that's not all, or I would have seen it before. I mean I kept going on and on about how I was over it, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. But maybe you just were not ready then."

"And I am now?" She asked a bit sarcastically. And then she shook her head and started talking before Piper could answer. "No, Piper that's not it – I mean what's different between now and then? Nothing. I'm telling you, if I had not felt that presence and looked at those pictures I would still be in denial for God knows how long."

"Ok, then why do think it is?"

"Because," Phoebe stopped again to take another breath and turned to look out the window. "Because I had been in denial for so long and for so many things, that I'm not sure I even knew what the truth was anymore. Not until it hit me over the head. But once it did I had no choice but to look at everything and to see it for what it was not what I wanted it to be. And that's when I realized . . ."

After the silence had gone on for a while, Piper prompted her to speak, "What, honey, what did you realized?"

After taking another deep breath, Phoebe started talking again, firmly keeping her eyes on the sky outside the window and her arms tight around herself. "That to accept my responsibility, my guilt for the events of that year meant that I also had to look at and accept the facts that led to my guilt."

"I don't think I understand what you mean." Said Piper perplexed. She was truly confused. For the first time since this talk had begun she had absolutely no idea what Phoebe meant or where she was going with this.

"Piper, don't you see? I had to deny that I had any guilt for the whole fiasco; I had to deny that I loved Cole and I had to deny that any of that still hurt me. To do otherwise would have meant not only that I was responsible but that I actually cause the death of the love of my life." Phoebe stopped again and let out a big breath. She was frustrated because even without looking at Piper, she knew Piper wasn't getting it and she knew she wasn't doing a great job of explaining what she meant. After another big breath, she turned to look at Piper and continued. "Piper, denial is a powerful tool that allows us to go on with our lives when we do things that affects us so much, we don't think we could deal with them any other way. That's why is so common, because it absolves us of our responsibilities. The only thing is, our responsibility, our guilt is always there – whether we choose to confront it or not. And when we do confront it, we have to face not only the guilt but the behavior that led to that guilt. I couldn't face that I was in any way responsible for what happened with Cole because to do so would mean confronting the fact that I let him down. That I was not there for him when he needed me most. That I lost faith in our love. That I was not strong enough to fight for our love. That I found it easier to give in to evil than to fight for my soul mate. And that when the consequences of my actions became glaringly apparent, I again found it easier to do away with the problem and him and then bury the whole thing than to deal with it. Don't you see, Piper? It wasn't only the guilt that I was denying. In a way I think that the guilt wasn't even the primary thing I was denying. I was denying the fact that my actions, my failures and weaknesses led to Cole's death. However necessary his death might have become, the fact still remains that if I had seen the danger before; or if I had been strong enough to fight for my love like I always said I would – regardless of how much I was hurting; if I had been loyal enough to stand by Cole when he came back – even if only as a friend, then most of what happened would not have happened. And I would not be here alone, regretting the death of the love of my life." She again stoppen for a while to take a calming breath and then went on. "I don't know if I'm explaining this right. I know that it might sound like I was in denial about the same things. But its not. The guilt and the reasons for the guilt are two different things. And of the two, the guilt is easier to live with. But learning to live with the fact that I was directly responsible for his death . . ." she stopped and shook her head. "I don't know, Piper. That is the hardest thing I'll ever to do and I'm not sure how I'll do it. I mean he's dead Piper. He's gone and I'll . . ." she stopped and tried to swallowed the knot that was forming in her throat. "I'll never get to tell him I'm sorry, that I . . ." and as her composure finally failed, Phoebe broke down, buried her head in her hands and slid down to the floor as she sobbed as if her heart was breaking, which in a sense it was.

"Oh, honey." sighed Piper as she hurried to her sister's side and kneeling next to her put her arms around her and tried to consoled her, knowing that there was nothing she could do to alleviate the pain her sister was feeling - except tell her exactly why she had felt Cole's presence that day a year ago and just who it was that had help Piper reached Leo. Yes, she nodded her head, silently agreeing with herself, the time had finally come to tell Phoebe everything.

This is a longer chapter than the ones before, but like I said above I thought that it would be better if I put Phoebe's denial, the reasons for it and her feelings about it together. Let me know what you think. I promised I'll have chapter 5 and maybe 6 up tomorrow.