The smoke cleared in the Library of Unseen University, revealing three figures. The first was tall and gangly, with shocking ginger hair. The second had unkempt black hair, emerald green eyes and a thin lightning scar on his forehead. The third was dead.

"Oh my God! Harry, what just happened? Where are we?" Ron gasped in a choked voice.

"I don't know… oh no" Harry had just found the late Eugene Short. Behind him he heard Ron give a faint whimper of terror.

"Harry, you don't think that… You know…" Harry cut him off sharply

"Don't say it Ron, please just don't"

Harry took a minute to survey the surroundings. He and Ron were in the biggest Library that he had ever seen in his life. This one made the Library at Hogwarts look like a bookshelf by comparison. Ron stood over the body of their former teacher, unsure of what to do. Harry couldn't shake the feeling that the books were somehow looking at him. AS if each and every one had a pair of eyes that were peering into the depths of his soul. As if they felt that something was amiss.

"I do spy these strangers three,

Hiding in our Library!" A voice called out, shocking Harry and Ron back into life. More voices followed.

"Somebody shut him up! We're supposed to be all stealthy!"

"It's not my fault; the explosion set him off again. There are only so many dried frog pills a person can take"

"Well, what are you waiting for, give them to the man. I don't know how much more of this rhyming I can take"

"Ssshhhh!"

"You ssshhh!"

Harry drew his wand and gestured for Ron to do the same. He then backed slowly against a bookcase. The book behind him snapped, making him leap forward. The book strained against the chain that held it to the shelf. Its neighbours rustled their pages in an attempt to escape. Ron cried out in surprise.

"Ha-ha!" A man shouted triumphantly as he leapt out in front of them, brandishing a staff like he meant business. Harry wasted no time. He cast his wand like a sword.

"Expelliarmus!" he called out. Nothing happened. The man looked confused.

"Ron, my wand isn't working. Ron?" Ron said nothing. The reason was apparent. Two more men were stood by him. Both had staffs. Another three men entered the Library. One walked with an air of command. One walked backwards, and the third, let's just say that Harry Potter got to experience just what it felt like to be an average wizard who has just watched Harry Potter walk into a room.

-

Rincewind awoke feeling warm and comfortable. That was all the evidence he needed to know that something was very wrong. He kept his eyes closed and tried to convince his brain that it wasn't time to be conscious yet. A weight settled itself on his tiny chest. In spite of himself he opened his eyes only to be confronted with the sight of large yellow teeth and breath that could strip paint. Rincewind promptly shut his eyes and desperately probed his mind for that comforting blackness that it had just shrugged off. A voice directly above him said "Ook?".

Rincewind opened his eyes.

The Librarian was sitting on his chest; his wide yellow grin filling all of Rincewind's field of vision.

"Oook!"

"We all know that you're awake, there's really no point in pretending" Said a kindly voice. Rincewind looked over at the speaker. It was an elderly man wearing purple robes and half moon spectacles. His long white beard reached down to his knees.

"Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, at your service" He introduced himself.

"Rincewind, just Rincewind. Where did you say this is?"

"Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. More specifically, the school's hospital wing"

Rincewind looked around the room, taking in the beds and curtains for the first time.

"This isn't Unseen University?

"Unfortunately no, Your Librarian here explained the situation to me" The Librarian Oooked appreciatively before helping himself to a nearby student's bowl of fruit. Dumbledore continued.

"Madam Pomfrey, our nurse as it were, rather objected to having an Orang-utan here. She said it was unhygienic. I brought you some chocolates as a welcoming present however I'm afraid that your trunk ate them" Rincewind followed Dumbledore's gaze to the foot of the bed. In the absence of any nearby wardrobes The Luggage had settled itself at the foot of the bed and was giving the distinct impression of gentle snoring. Or, at least, as good as is possible with hinges and a keyhole. Rincewind suspected that it was just pretending.

"The Luggage, did you say it was called?" Dumbledore asked

"Oook" said The Librarian. The student in the next bed decided that he must have hit his head even harder than he thought. There was an ape eating his get well soon gift and talking to the headmaster.

"So what happened? There was an explosion and next thing I know I'm here" said Rincewind

"Indeed. And there are two students and a teacher missing from here. I think that they will be at your University. However, that does leave me with the problem of being slightly understaffed" There was a little gleam in Dumbledore's eye. Rincewind didn't like it one bit. Every instinct screamed at him to run.

"You are undoubtedly a wizard, you even have it wrote on your hat. A Wizzard, even. I suspect that this is even better. I wonder, would you mind substituting for our Defence against Dark Arts teacher? It's only temporary of course, till we get our Professor Short back, or find a more full time replacement"

Rincewind's brain began to yell at Rincewind, trying to say that this was probably the worst idea ever. Rincewind was barely qualified as an incompetent wizard and now this man who he had barely met wanted to entrust an entire class to him. Rincewind's brain maintained that it didn't want to belong to any organisation that would hire Rincewind for such an important post. Rincewind's tongue betrayed him. The best it would manage was a backwards, spluttering sound.

Rincewind fainted again.

-

Every single wizard in the Library of Unseen University felt their eyes trying to break out of their sockets. Sheer disbelief kept their mouths open but prevented words from escaping. At least, most mouths.

"Oh Heavens to mercy, what are we to do?

"Our dear mister Stibbons has split into two!" The Bursar declared, breaking the spell that had left everyone so dumbstruck.

"Look, the walking backwards I can take, I can even stand the fact that his eyeballs are rotating, but would someone please stop him from talking in rhyming couplets. I swear if I hear one more I'll…" The Dean let the sentence end, thinking that it sounded more threatening. It didn't.

"You'll what?" asked the red haired youth who had appeared in the Library. The Dean scowled. Ponder, on the other hand, was fascinated with his double. The two faced each other. Clearly there were differences. Different heights, different eye colours, different ages, and then there was that scar on the younger ones forehead.

"Ponder?" The Senior Wrangler asked.

"The alternate dimension that HEX found" Ponder muttered, then more loudly, "The explosions must have opened a portal. It may still be around here somewhere"

"Well what are we waiting for, everybody get searching. Nobody leaves this library till we find that portal!" Ridcully announced. The Dean cheered.

"Err, Archchancellor?" Ponder began

"Yes?"

Ponder gestured to their guests.

"Oh right, Ponder, Bursar, you sort this out. The rest of us, get searching. Nobody leaves this library till we find that portal!" The Dean cheered again.

-

After Rincewind had woken up for the second time Madam Pomfrey had given him a foul tasting potion. Now, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't lapse into unconsciousness any more. So it was with great reluctance that he had followed Dumbledore to a small office. Dumbledore told him that it was the office for the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. Rincewind had asked him why there was no name plate on the door. Dumbledore told him quite calmly that nobody had ever held the job for long enough to need one. Rincewind didn't like the sound of that. Inside the office were lots of books stacked on every available surface and a large cage with a brown owl sleeping inside. The Luggage found itself a nice sturdy wardrobe in one corner but gave everybody present a look of wooden disgust at the amount of books stacked on top of it. It promptly began swallowing the offending items.

"Well, the Luggage certainly seems happy. At this rate I dare say it'll have the room cleared by lunchtime" Dumbledore said dreamily.

"Look, Mr. Dumbledore, sir, you can't seriously want me to be a teacher here?" Rincewind tried

"We prefer the term 'Professor'" Dumbledore explained. As if on cue, two Professors burst into the office.

"Headmaster, you cannot seriously be considering employing that… where is he?" The first Professor started furiously but ended confused. Rincewind was in fact dangling from the chandelier, having jumped so high when the door burst open.

"Ah, Professor Rincewind, I'd like to take the opportunity to introduce you to some of your new colleagues. This is Professor Snape, our potions master, and Professor McGonagall, who teaches Transfigurations"

"Nice to meet you all" said Professor Rincewind, the upwardly mobile.

"Headmaster, you have no idea whether or not this… person is qualified to teach. To put so much trust in him is foolhardy at best" Snape said.

"Oh yes, he's right. You should listen to him" Rincewind called out from his vantage point on the roof. Snape shot him a look of pure venom that almost dislodged him.

"Need I remind you that two students are missing and there is a portal in my potions lab?"

"Yes, I'll need to take a look at that. And I am certain that Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, not to mention Professor Short, are all safe and sound at the Unseen University.

"Professor Dumbledore, might I have a moment of your time" said Professor McGonagall, gesturing to the door. She and Dumbledore stepped out, leaving Rincewind alone with Snape. All things considered Rincewind decided that it was probably safer to stay where he was. Snape cast a disdainful look at the Luggage, which paused in mid swallow to scowl at him, then surveyed the rest of the room. Dumbledore and McGonagall reappeared in the doorway.

"I think we had best see this portal" said Dumbledore "Severus, would you mind helping Professor Rincewind down?"