Rincewind found himself back in the office of the Defence against Dark Arts teacher. So far he had saved the owl from being eaten by throwing it out the window when the Luggage came too near. The owl had flown away, realised that it didn't have a letter to deliver, and had come back to stare at Rincewind until he sorted the whole mess out. Out of pity Rincewind had tried to guess it's name, but so far 'Birdie' and 'Feathers' hadn't had any type of result. As a matter of fact, Professor Short hadn't named the owl. He had kept it just in case but had never actually given it any jobs to do. After Rincewind had run out of what he classed as bird names he had started to run through every name he had ever heard. The owl seemed to like the name 'Cohen' and refused to answer to anything else now. After a while it began to sink in that Rincewind didn't have any jobs for Cohen the owl to do, so he shook his tail and went to the Owlery; a little disgruntled about being woken up but nonetheless pleased about being let out of that stuffy cage. Rincewind watched him go and wondered what it would be like to fly before dismissing the idea as stupid, he was afraid of heights, or more accurately, the part that came a little while after the whole 'falling from a great height' thing, more commonly known as hitting the ground. He reached up adjust his hat, and then remembered that it was now all comfy cosy back in its proper dimension. He let out a sigh.

-

The man stood before Harry was tall and dressed in black. His hair was black and the air temperature dropped a few degrees around him. There were differences, just like between him and Ponder. His hair was better groomed than Snape's and he had a beard, he walked with a cane and his nose was in proportion to the rest of his face whereas Snape's nose dominated his. There was something else that set this man apart from Snape. It took Harry a little while to realise what it was. The Wizards of Unseen University were as one shaking at the knees, all except the Bursar who seemed to have decided that this was the perfect opportunity to believe that he was in fact a tea strainer and not a wizard at all. Ron gulped loudly, while it was obvious that this couldn't be Snape there was enough of a resemblance to give the young wizard nightmares about twin Snapes for months.

"And you have guests too, I see" he said smoothly.

"Well, you see Your Lordship, it's like this. We had a little accident this morning and we kind of accidentally opened a portal to another dimension. That's where these two are from" Ridcully tried to explain, indicating Harry and Ron. That was when it hit Harry. Ridcully had called him 'Your Lordship'. The biggest difference between this man and Professor Severus Snape was that while Snape could threaten you with detentions and expulsion there was no end to the amount of punishment that this man could inflict upon you should he feel you deserve it. The Patrician cast his steely gaze over the two of them.

"They don't appear to be the tentacle covered, flesh eating demons that you usually seem to have coming out of the walls here" he said thoughtfully as he tapped his chin with the handle of his cane.

"Oh, no sir. They're wizards from their universe. Oh where are my manners. Boys, this is our Patrician, Lord Havelock Vetinari" said the Archchancellor.

"I take it that wizards are somewhat younger where you come from?" Vetinari addressed this to Harry and Ron but it was Ridcully who answered.

"Students, sir, they're students. This is Harry Ponder and… err… what's your name?"

"Ron Weasley. And its Potter, not Ponder" said Ron. Harry was starting to suspect that Ridcully was never going to grasp that simple concept.

"Yes, Harry Ponder and Ron Weasley-Potter. You'd have to be really thick to get that mixed up!"

Vetinari raised an eyebrow in an amused manner.

"Err, your Lordship, if I may, we, that is… Harry, Ron and I, we have to consult HEX. Harry tried a spell when he arrived that didn't work and we need to find out why" said Ponder

"And all three of you need to go?" asked Vetinari

"Yeah, err, Ponder doesn't know what the spell was meant to do, and he may need us to try again. Demonstration purposes" said Harry, proving himself just as good as making up excuses on the spot as Ponder. Vetinari held his gaze for just a fraction of a second too long; again hammering home just how different from Snape he was.

"Very well, but don't go too far. I may need to talk to you later". With that Ponder lead Harry and Ron out quickly.

-

Rincewind was now considering barricading the office door and sending Cohen the owl down to the kitchens every now and then to steal food, if he ever came back wherever it was he had gone that was. He went over to the wardrobe and sized it up. It was one of those old wooden ones that looked like it weighed a ton. He rattled it to find out. It wasn't as heavy as it looked, it was heavier. That was when the door opened.

"What are you doing?" said a young voice. Rincewind looked around for the speaker. It turned out to be a young girl who had very bushy hair.

"Who, me? I'm not doing anything, nothing at all" said Rincewind a little too quickly

"Right. I'm Hermione Grainger. Professor Dumbledore told me about you, Professor Rincewind"

"Oh no, I'm no professor. I'm not even a proper wizard, I don't have a hat!" Hermione gave Rincewind a condescending look. It was clear that she'd rather be doing something else.

"Professor Dumbledore told me about the other universe, and he's asked me to act as a guide for a while" Again there was something in her tone of voice that gave away the fact that she wasn't happy about this. Rincewind often heard this tone when people were talking to him.

"You don't have to, you know, I'm used to being in strange and unfamiliar places with no idea of how I got there so if you think that you'd be better off elsewhere don't worry about me" he said, trying to sound reassuring and failing miserably.

"Oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude. I'm just worried about my friends, Harry and Ron. They're in your universe and I'm not sure how they're going to get back" said Hermione, genuinely shocked that she may have inadvertently offended a teacher.

"Oh, well that's… that's… right. They're at the Unseen University" said Rincewind. Hermione nodded.

"Dumbledore says that they'll be safe there" she said

"Well, yes. As long as they stay away from the Library, and the Archchancellor, and that room that doesn't exist, and the Archchancellor. Speaking of libraries, you wouldn't happen to have seen an Orang-utan anywhere today, have you?"

"Err, no, I haven't" said Hermione, trying to work out what he meant by this.

"Well, do me a favour. If you see him don't mention the word 'monkey'. He doesn't like it"

-

Dumbledore had decided that dinner would be a little early today, seeing as there were some important messages to give to the students. Hermione led the way to the great hall. The Luggage, thankfully, stayed in the office to finish clearing the books. If the jewel in the crown of Unseen University's crown was its Library, then Hogwarts was its Great Hall. The four tables for the school houses, each one decorated in its respective house colours, stretched the length of the Hall leading up to the fifth table where the teachers sat. Candles floated in the air of their own accord, unlit at the moment, but when it got dark they would glow like a thousand stars. And then there was the ceiling. It was impossibly tall and arched, and it took Hermione three tries to explain to Rincewind that it was enchanted to match the sky outside. Today the sky was warm and sunny and full of fat clouds that promised rain later. Once Rincewind had picked his jaw off the ground for long enough to look around he spotted the Librarian Up at the head table talking to what looked like a giant.

"Ah… ah… ah…" stammered the scrawny wizard, pointing stupidly. Hermione grabbed his outstretched arm.

"Hagrid!" Hermione called out, dragging Rincewind behind her, who was still stammering.

"Hermione, who's that you got there?" the giant asked.

"Oook" said the Librarian.

"Oh, so that's Rincewind. Pleased to meet yer, Rubeus Hagrid, groundskeeper and Care of Magical creatures professor. Yer Librarian's been telling me about what happened this morning" Rincewind merely stood in a stunned silence.

"Is he always like this?" asked Hagrid.

The Librarian shrugged and said "Ook"

The Hall was filling up now, with students and teachers and, to Rincewind's horror, ghosts. Hagrid and the Librarian pushed him into a chair between them as Hermione went to take a seat at the red table. Finally, once everyone was settled Dumbledore stood up. Instantly the general chatter that spontaneously occurs any time large groups of people were in a room together stopped.

"Ahem, I know this is a little unusual, but then again, anyone who was in Professor Snape's potions class this morning will already know that it has been an unusual day" Rincewind spotted Snape at the other end of the head table and was instantly glad that he had the massive bulk of Hagrid to hide behind.

"Now, first of all, before the rumours begin. Yes, Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley are no longer on Hogwarts grounds" Was it Rincewind's imagination or were the students sat at the green table sniggering, "There are, in fact, spending some time in The Unseen University of Ankh-Morpork. Unfortunately, Professor Short has also left us to go there. Taking over as substitute Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is Professor Rincewind, who is from Unseen University"

Hagrid slapped Rincewind on the back, making him stand up. There was a round of applause form the students, although Rincewind noticed that the green table seemed somewhat reluctant. He sat back down.

"A few more messages, we are also playing host to the Unseen University Librarian, who as you may notice, prefers the form of an orang-utan. I have been reliably informed that anyone using the word 'monkey' in his presence will be needing Madam Pomfrey to reattach their arms. And there appears to be a portal in Professor Snape's Dungeon. So until further notice, potion classes will take place in the Great Hall. I must warn you however, that Professor Snape had placed all manner of protection charms on his classroom to prevent any unauthorised access. I have no idea what spells he has used so I would advise you to keep your curiosity in check. Now, I promised an early dinner"

Dishes full of food magically appeared on all the tables. Rincewind found himself face to face with a plate piled high with mashed potatoes and butter. A small tear formed in the corner of his eye.

"Here, are you all right?" Hagrid asked. The Librarian ooked softly and pushed the plate towards Rincewind then patted him gently on the back