Despite it all, it's still you - it always was, it always will be
Chapter 8
Paige entered the attic and saw that Piper and Leo were flipping through the Book and that Phoebe, sitting on the old sofa, was going through one of the many magic books that were around her. Phoebe was saying, "I keep telling you, there's nothing on the Book. I've already been through it at least 3 times. Don't you think I would have found it if there was something there?" without raising her eyes.
"And I keep telling you it is entirely possible that you did miss it if there's something here. You didn't know that he was in limbo, Phoebe – that probably makes a difference. How many times do I have to say that?" Piper answered without raising her eyes.
"Piper's right, Phoebe; him being in limbo might very well make a difference. You can't afford to overlook it, if you really want him back." Leo agreed with his wife, he, too, didn't raise his eyes from what he was reading.
"Ok, check it if you want. But I'm sure there's nothing there. I would remember if I had seen something about limbo." Phoebe replied in a tone that made it clear this was not the first time they've argued the point.
Leo finally raised his head to tell Phoebe something when he saw that Paige was standing right inside the attic's door. "Paige" he said in a soft voice that was nevertheless heard by both Piper and Phoebe, who immediately jerked their heads up. Phoebe's face as she looked at Paige was a picture of anxiety with a hint of fear, while Piper's was a mixture of sympathy, compassion and interest.
For a few moments there was complete silence in the attic as Piper, Phoebe and Leo looked at Paige and Paige, after a brief glance at Piper and Leo, kept her eyes on Phoebe's face. Paige's nervousness was apparent as she kept shifting her weight from foot to foot and wringing her hands.
Finally after clearing her throat and straightening her shoulders she said, still keeping her eyes on Phoebe, "I'm sorry, Pheebs. I guess that the memory of that year can still make me a bit nuts; it was just so hard Phoebe and the idea of seeing Cole again . . ." she shook her head before continuing "it just overwhelmed me, I guess. And" here she hesitated for a while as she turned her head to look at Leo, who nodded his head encouragingly "I supposed, deep down I was also a bit jealous, not of you and Cole" she hastened to add as she saw the frown begin on Phoebe's face. "but of the fact of you and him. It's just hard being the only sister that is not in love, the only one that doesn't have this great love of her life giving it all up for her, you know? But, I swear to you Phoebe that it was all subconscious; no way would I knowingly stand in the way of your happiness." Paige finished with a little sniff as tears threatened to fall from her eyes.
Both Piper and Phoebe rushed to their sister's side and hugged. "We know, honey, we know. Don't worry about it. The important thing is that you are here now." Piper told her.
"Yes, Paige. I guess it can get to you if you are the only one not in love and everyone else is going on about their love lives. But, like Piper said, what's important is that you are here now. You will stand by me won't you, Paige?"
"Yes, of course Phoebe."
"Thanks honey. I've been thinking that bringing Cole back will affect all of us not just me. So," Phoebe stepped back from Paige a bit so that she could look at all three of them "I think that it would be a good idea if we just called him first and we all talk to him. Because Paige is right, that year was hard and we all have issues that should have been dealt with and but that haven't been because without Cole here there didn't seem to be much point, but now that he'll be back . . ." Phoebe trailed off looking at her family. This was not easy for her, once again she felt trapped between her family and her love. All her earlier determination not to put Cole second again, while still there, was being balance with her need to protect her family. Sometimes Phoebe felt like that was a battle she would never win.
"Oh, Phoebe, you don't know how much that means to me, thank you for thinking of my" Paige stopped to glance at Leo and Piper and amended "our feelings but its not necessary. Yes, there are issues that have to be deal with, but we'll do it when Cole is here. I trust you and I think you are right - it wasn't him that made all that happened. The best thing is just to let time do its thing, you know. To let us all get use to having him around again – after a while it'll be like he never left. We'll all be fine, don't worry." Paige told Phoebe as she patted her arm to let her know she really was fine.
Phoebe turned to look at Piper and Leo to see what they thought and found them smiling and nodding their heads. And Piper told her, "I told you she'd come around, didn't I?"
"Yeah, you did" Phoebe answered with a smile as she hugged her two sisters. "Now, let's get to work."
Leo, seeing the sisters embrace, was glad that he had been able to help them. The last year had not been an easy one for the ex-whitelighter. While he loved being a husband to Piper and a father to his boys, it had not been easy to adjust to live as a mortal. As he had told Paige, it was not easy to stopped being magical – especially when living in a magical household. The hardest part had been not being able to heal the girls when they were hurt. Though his job at magical school was fulfilling and he knew he was making a difference, sometimes he still felt like he wasn't contributing enough at home. That's why these moments, when it was clear he was helping his family, were so important to him.
As he thought of magic school, he remembered something that might help the present situation. "Phoebe, you've always said that Cole was your soul mate."
"Yes." Phoebe answered, wondering where Leo was going.
"Are you sure? I mean, do you mean that literally? Like he's the other half of your soul and not just as an expression?
"I mean it literally. I feel complete when I'm with him; I've never felt like that with anyone else."
"Phoebe, are you sure?"
"Yes, Leo. I'm sure, why?"
"Because I just remember that the other day as I was going through some of the books at magic school, I came across a spell to found a lost soul mate. But it only works to call your true soul mate. Of course, first you have to have a soul mate – not everyone has one, you know? It's amazing really. . ."
"Leo, I'm sure he's my soul mate. So, would you please go get it?" Phoebe quickly asked before he got started in one of the magical lectures he's gotten into the habit of giving lately.
Leo grinned and left to go to magic school, while the girls went back to researching.
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Cole, who had watched the whole thing, could not believe it. He would have pinched himself to see if he was awake if it had been possible to fall asleep in limbo and for a while there he had even been afraid that he had been hallucinating – but that too was impossible in this plane he found himself in. He just couldn't understand how it was that suddenly the Halliwells had decided to try and bring him back; not after everything that happened, everything he did to them and everything they did to vanquish him.
'Ok,' he thought to himself, 'I did help Piper last year and maybe that soften her towards me a bit. But I didn't do it solely for her benefit, heck not even primarily for her and Leo's benefit – I had an ulterior motive and Piper knew that. But since it was to help Phoebe move on maybe that's why.'
Phoebe. Cole shook his head to clear it of thoughts of his ex-wife. He did not want to think of her, at least not yet. He turned his thoughts to her youngest sister instead.
Paige, now her reaction he could understand. Well, her initial reaction at least. After everything that Cole put her through back then, it is completely understandable that she would not trust his motives or want him back. Of the three sisters, Paige had been the only one to first suspect that there was anything wrong with him. But neither Piper nor Phoebe had wanted to listen to her. At first they had ignored her warnings, telling her there was nothing wrong and that she was overreacting. And then when it came out that Cole was the source, Phoebe had insisted that they could deal with it. It was one of destiny's ironies that if they had listened to Paige from the beginning, the whole fiasco might have been avoided; and Cole might have been saved.
But they had not listened. It might had have something to do with the fact that Paige had joined the family less than a year before and as such the complete trust, respect and love that was what had made the bond between the three original Charmed Ones so strong (regardless of how many fights they had) had not yet extended to include Paige. Thus, Piper and Phoebe had not been as receptive to Paige's feelings or instincts as they would have been to each other's or Prue's. Paige had surely felt this and known that her opinions did not matter as much as her sisters' because she was the new kid in the block. That had led to feelings of resentment and isolation; feelings that Cole as the source had exploited to widen the distance between Paige and her new sisters. The fact that Cole as the source had exploited the new and fragile relationship that had existed between Paige and her sisters, at a time when Paige was at her most vulnerable (being in a completely new and scary situation) was at the core of Paige's antipathy towards him. That had only been reinforced when Cole altered reality to prevent Paige from ever finding her sisters. The extent to which life had changed was only remembered by Paige, as she was the only one outside the change. As such Paige had twice as many reasons for not trusting him as her sisters.
Piper's and Phoebe's refusal to listen to Paige might have also been due to the fact that for the first time since they receive their powers, the sisters felt that they could go back to having a 'normal' life – or as normal as it is possible for a witch to have. They had just defeated the source of all evil – an incredible feat. They had not wanted to hear that he may have not been completely gone. Both were happily married and expecting their first child; the only thing they wanted to do was enjoy their lives and their marriages during what was supposed to be some of the happiest days of their lives. Neither wanted to admit that they battle may not be over; especially when it meant that Phoebe's husband would be in the middle of it fighting for the other side. Phoebe, especially, had ignored Paige until she could not longer afford to do so – all because of the love she felt for her husband.
It was perfectly reasonable, then, that Paige would blame Cole not only for the evil things he did during those times but also for the distance that existed between the sisters and for the harder road they had to traveled to became the united front they were today – a road that might have been a lot smoother if it had not being for Cole. He understood that and he respected it. It was her sudden change of heart that had Cole completely baffled. He could not understand what could have happened that would have resulted in such a change. Whatever it had been, he was sure Leo had something to do with it. He had not failed to notice the quick glances that Paige had given the ex-whitelighter as she was talking to her sisters – nor the encouraging nods that Leo had given her back. Cole supposed he could have followed Paige when he had left the attic after her confrontation with her sisters. But he usually stayed closed to Phoebe whenever he was in 'visiting'. He only followed other members of the family when he knew or suspected that something big might be happening. But he had had not reason to suspect that anything out of the ordinary would happen. He would have definitely followed her if he thought her conversation with Leo would have such an impact on his fate. Now he would probably wondered forever what they had talked about and why it had changed Paige's mind.
That thought led to Leo and his reaction; something else he didn't fully understand – not that he had understood much of anything today, then again he had never fully understood the Halliwells; and he thought that that might have been a very good thing. But Leo at least had been fairly consistent in the past. He had never fully trusted Cole, which was not surprising as Leo had been as close as one could get to being the living embodiment of good while Cole was as close as you could get to being the living embodiment of evil. (Actually now that he thought about it, for a while there, while he'd been inhabited by the source Cole had been the living embodiment of evil.) And Leo as a good soldier for good had done everything in his power to help the sister's defeat and vanquish him. Whatever feelings of friendship that might have developed between the two as Cole fought evil alongside the sisters, evaporated as soon as it became clear that Cole was the source. As a disciple of good, Leo could have done nothing else – that was something else that Cole finally understood.
But then, Leo is no longer the poster child for good anymore, is he? In fact, from what Cole had observed, Leo has lost his powers and was no longer a whitelighter but a mortal. And maybe that was the reason for his change of heart. Leo now knew, better than anyone else probably could, what it was like to stopped being magical after decades of knowing nothing else – it's like loosing your legs or one of your senses, it leaves you feeling as if you're lacking an integral part of yourself. It is not something easy to overcome; especially for demons who are not used to self-sacrifice. That maybe be the reason why Leo has made it while Cole failed, as an ex-angel Leo knew all about sacrifice and about controlling your worst impulses, something Cole had never quite manage to learn. This new and personal insight into what it is to suddenly find oneself mortal, might be the reason Leo is suddenly sympathetic towards him. But Cole couldn't help sardonically think that the fact that Cole had helped Piper connect to Leo a year earlier and thus ensure that they remain together had a lot to do with it too.
And that led him back to her, since helping Leo and Piper stay together had only been a means to help her. Then again, it seems as if most everything always led back to her.
To Phoebe. He shook his head when he thought of the love of his life, wondering how things could have gone so wrong when the love they felt was so right. But gone wrong they did. So wrong, that she ended up vanquishing him – not once but twice. Cole had spent most of the time since the last vanquishing observing her from limbo. He had noticed that while she had not given up dating and had appeared to fall in love a time or two, her faith in love had ultimately not survived all the hell he put had put her through. As he still, and would probably always, love her and the only thing he had ever wanted to do was make her happy, even if he had gone about it all wrong, he had as a last resort engineered the events of last year. But he had never expected this result. He knew that they were soul mates, but after everything they've gone though he had been sure she would want nothing to do with. He had seen the episode with his sweater and the pictures a few weeks after Piper's brush with death, but he had assumed that it was only a precursor to her dealing with not only his death but also the death of their love – something he'd noticed she had never done. But instead of getting better afterwards, she seemed to deteriorate right before his eyes and there had been nothing he could; he didn't even really understand what the problem was - only that it had to do with him. And as he had no idea how to help her and seeing her in such pain hurt him too, he had gone. He had only come back every few weeks to see if she was better, but she never was and he always left again. And that was why he was so surprise at this turn of events; he had never expected this.
Ok, he had fantasized for a minute or two that she still loved him and would find a way to bring him back, but it had only been for a minute or two and never seriously. It had simply been a fantasy that he knew would never come true. The most he had realistically hoped for was that she would find it in her heart to forgive him for everything he'd done, all the pain he'd caused her and her family. To hear her say that he had not been responsible for the events because the source had taken him over was beyond his wildest dreams. To hear her say that she was also partly responsible for that whole mess, that she was sorry and that she still loved him and wanted him back was so out there as to be unbelievable.
Hearing her tell Piper about how much she love him and miss him had been a dream come true and for a while (when he was not thinking he was asleep or hallucinating) he had wondered whether he had crossed over and was in heaven. But seeing Paige's reaction had convinced him that he was still in limbo and what he was observing was real. Seeing Piper's reaction, on the other hand, had almost been enough to convince him that he was in heaven as he could never have imagined that Piper of all people would support Phoebe's decision to bring him back.
And that brought him full circle. Because as long as he'd known the Halliwells, he'd never understood them and having observed from afar from the past few years had not helped any. Nor had all the soul searching he'd done. He just did not understand how they thought. He understood some things, but on the whole he was basically lost. It didn't matter how much time he devoted to each person's actions, he always ended up confused. And it was not because they were women since Leo's actions were quite often as inscrutable as that of the girls.
When one was in limbo, the only thing one could do was watch what went on in the realm of the living and/or think about all the mistakes one has made in one's life that had led to limbo. As much as he'd watched Phoebe and the Charmed Ones, Cole had also spent a large amount of time thinking about his life and everything that had led him here. He's come to finally realized all his faults and mistakes and he'd concluded that he needs to pay for them. As painful as it sometimes may get, he was finally at peace with himself because he was paying the debts he'd incurred as Belthazor, as the source and as an avatar. He's come to terms with his fate and he had been sure that Phoebe was also happy or at least glad that he was out of her life for good. But now, hearing the Charmed ones and Leo speak about bringing back, despite the past, left Cole completely bewildered. He did not know what to think or feel – aside from being glad Phoebe still loved him. He only knew that he had a debt to pay and that he actually wanted to pay it, even if it took him all eternity.
It didn't occur to him what a change that was; how come he had come from the demonic life he had led when he first met the Charmed ones. He might not yet fully understand what it was that it made it possible for the Charmed ones to forgive him and want him back. But deep inside he already knew the answer: love; the love Phoebe had for him and the love her sisters and Leo had for her made it possible for them to forgive him. And even if Cole thought he didn't understand it, he was already capable of the same behavior. He had forgiven and was ready to forgive Phoebe anything because he loved her. And it had been that love that had saved his soul. It had been that love that had enabled him to stop in limbo and repent for his sins; it had been that love that made it possible for him to want to pay for those sins. And it will be that love that will make it possible for Cole and Phoebe to reunite.
AN: I'm really sorry that it has taken this long to update but I had a nasty cold last week and I think my muse either got it from me or she was keeping her distance so she wouldn't get it as I was distinctly uninspired last week. Also, this chapter deals primarily with Cole's feelings and I wasn't sure how I was going to go about it. When I first thought of this story I had just thought about Phoebe's feelings and maybe the sisters with Cole just coming in at the end, but as I was writing the whole think took a life of its own and now I find that I just had to write the perspective of every characters. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it. One last thing, as I said before I'm not really good with the details of what went on in the show after Cole got taken over by the source. Could someone please tell me how much time has past since he was vanquish and now – now being the story, about a year after Seven Year Witch? I'd really appreciate it, THANKS!
A great thanks to everyone that has review, I hope you guys keep on enjoying this story. And I think I will make a sequel but no promises on when it will be posted, except to say that I will try not to take too long as I know how bothersome it can be to wait.