Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina or Star Trek or anything else that is mentioned here
Love Hina: The Next Generation
Chapter 3
Planning for a Mission Among Other Things
Words in Italics are thoughts or descriptions
(words surrounded by ( ) are a translation of what Tama or Kuro is saying)
Everything else is spoken words
Captain's log star date top secret good cover so no one would figure out that I can't tell one day from the next.
I am going to go down to ten forward for a few drinks before work.
Hello Kitsune, give me the usual. So how was your night, Kitsune?
I don't know, Keitaro.
What do you mean, Kitsune?
Well, I woke up this morning totally naked with my clothes thrown all over the ground and I was all alone. I wonder what I did last night. So, how was your night, Keitaro.
Well, I woke up this morning totally naked in a bed with a beautiful woman. I was so hung over I couldn't tell who she was but she had all of the usual qualities that I look for in a woman. You know, huge chest, nice ass, and a hot body to go with it all.
You don't think we had sex with each other last night. Hmm, nah it couldn't be me, right.
I don't think so but I guess we will really never know for sure.
Well, thanks for the drinks and I will see you later.
Yeah, bye now.
Commander's log star date who gives a fuck I am too pissed right now to worry about the date.
I am used to living aboard a star ship and this is no different well almost. My day used to be simple and predictable but here that just isn't possible.
First, waking up in the morning is an adventure aboard this ship. You always know that you are alone when I go to sleep but you never quite know who you are going to wake up with.
I was sleeping when I felt something rubbing against my body.
What are these things that are touching me? I turned on a light and what I found wasn't exactly the kind of thing that you want to wake up to.
It seems Lt. Su decided to let her self in and decided to explore Naru's body with her hands.
Hmm you are so incredibly sexy. Such nice large breasts and I like the feel of your ass.
You fucking perverts! Get your damn hands off of me damn it! Naru knocked her off and she ran out the door laughing as she ran away.
I can't believe it. I can't even be in my room without some pervert feeling me up. Of course, she isn't the only one that tried that. The captain did the same thing and I knocked him clear across the hall. These people are so perverted. It makes me sick thinking about it. I would have just locked the door but it seems that perverted engineer has all the access codes so locking the door is pointless.
Then there was the issue of taking a bath. It seems that somehow that man got an artificial hot spring installed and it sounded good to me. Of course, for every good thing you get comes with a catch. It seems that man hasn't grasped the concept of men taking baths separately from women and the women here aren't helping him with that either. No one has a problem with it except for one person.
Motoko, our chief of security, made an agreement when she came to this ship. She would work aboard this ship and would ignore all of the acts of perversion if they will leave her alone and they agreed to that.
When she takes a bath there is a letter M posted on the door. They didn't tell me this until I found out what happens when you walk in with that letter posted to the door.
I opened the door and walked in the door ready to take a bath. I disrobed and stepped in the warm water.
It feels so good to take a bath in peace.
Motoko hearing voices went over to see who had broken that rule.
When she saw Naru in the bath, she pulled out her sword and chased her all over the ship.
I ended up running through the whole ship bareassed and with the perverts aboard this ship that just made my life worst.
She eventually caught me and beat the shit out of me and that called for a trip to the doctor's office.
That was another adventure that I learned to hate. It seems this doctor if you can call her that just isn't only a complete air head which is bad enough. She is a lesbian who thinks I am "cute" and that just makes me mad knowing that everywhere I go, I get followed by that girl who won't grasp the concept that I am not her type. Then there was her assistant Kanako. She on the other hand knows what she is doing in her profession but like everything else there is a catch. She hates me and sees to it that she tortures me every time we meet.
Ok, queen bitch oh I mean Commander Narusewega, we are going to give you a physical. First I will check your weight. She puts Naru on a scale.
Hmm 150. So you are packing on the pounds, aren't you. She then looks at her ass. I see where it is all going too.
Hey!
Oh shut up, you whinny bitch!
Next we are going to give you your immunizations.
She pulls out a needle and begins searching for a vein and pokes her with a needle.
Ow!
Whoops, missed it.
She continues for four or five times before she realized something.
Oops I forgot to put in the immunization medicine.
She pokes her for the sixth time and injects her with the medication.
Your torture session oh I mean exam is finished.
You know Kanako, your bedside manner sucks.
I have you know that there is nothing wrong with my bedside manner. I just despise you. Naru gives her a look of confusion as she walks out of the doctor's office.
I thought that this was better then prison. Ha, I feel like a complete jackass thinking that I was getting a good deal. I just had to hit the captain on my last ship. I had one pervert on that ship and I had to attack him. Now, I have a ship full of perverts and there lies my next problem.
It so seems that attacking the captain for an act of perversion earns me a beating from Motoko. She feels that attacking a superior officer requires a beating even though he is a pervert. Everyone else gets be a pervert and nothing happens. If I make one innocent mistake, she beats the shit out of me for it.
Oh yes even eating a meal aboard this ship is an adventure. The cook, if you can call her that, can't cook a decent meal if her life depended on it. Of course, this sweet innocent girl had something of a dark side. I didn't know that she became a psychopath when she was informed that her cooking sucks.
So, how is your meal today. Shinobu asked everyone who was eating.
It is the best meal I ever tasted they all said. I had a different opinion.
This food sucks!
WHO SAID THAT? She yelled to the crowd.
They all moved aside and pointed a finger at me. She gave me a look that I didn't like and then before I knew it she somehow bent my body into the shape of a pretzel and flung me out the door.
Damn, what a psychopathic bitch she is. Damn, all I said is that her food sucks and she kicks my ass for it.
Kanako walks by and notices Naru lying on the floor.
You should know better then insult Shinobu's cooking. What a stupid ass.
Then Haruka passes by and notices Naru lying on the floor in the famed pretzel position.
I said to be an honest person not a complete jackass. Even I lie to her about her cooking.
Naru noticed that it seemed that no one gave a damn there was a person lying on the ground in an extremely painful position.
That is what a typical day aboard this star ship is like and I better report to my post before one of those perverts starts looking for me and does something perverted . . . again.
I walked onto the bridge of the ship. What is our mission?
Our mission is to go to and investigate Uranus.
Don't mind if I do. The captain who was looking for any excuse to do something perverted walks over to the commander.
You perverted bastard. She means the planet, you sick idiot. I punched that pervert and sent him flying toward the viewer screen and of course Motoko sent me flying as well.
We are preparing for war games with the USS Excalibur, commander.
Naru knew exactly who was captain of that ship. It was run by Captain Kentaro Sakata. He was the perverted bastard that cost her position aboard that ship and she almost lost her job and her freedom because of him and she wanted revenge. It was then that they finally found something in common with each other.
They both despised Kentaro.
That bastard cheated the last time we had war games with them. He made a mockery out of my ship and this isn't going to happen again.
I agree, so Keitaro what is our plan?
Well, I always say if you can't beat them fair and square then break the rules as long as you can without getting caught. That is what my idol always said.
And who is that if I may ask?
Well before I became Captain of this ship, I was working on the USS Enterprise D run by Captain Picard.
No fucking way. How in the hell did you get a job on that ship. That ship is almost impossible to get a job on.
He taught me everything I know.
Flashback
Well I always say if you can't win fair and square then you keep cheating as long as you can without getting caught. If your commander is a man then make him your bitch like I did.
Captain's flashback
Damn replicator is broken again and I want some tea. Earl grey tea hot. He says into the intercom.
Here you go, Captain. His second in command says as he hands him a cup of tea.
Thanks bitch er I mean number one.
He just gives a WTF look and walks out the door.
End Captain's flashback
Never ever punch a woman in the face no matter how much a bitch they maybe. If they get to be too bitchy then a good slap on the ass always keeps them in line. It always shuts them up when they go on one of their long-winded tirades and believe me I heard plenty of them.
Captains flashback
The counselor was giving one of her long never-ending speeches and he was getting sick of it.
You shouldn't be having sex with your crew mates and with other women that you are working with and blah blah blah don't you have any morals blah blah blah . . . That was what the counselor was trying to say to him but he really didn't want to hear it.
Oh God! Will this girl ever shut up?
She gets up and starts to walk to the door continuing her tirade.
He gives her a good slap on the ass and shuts up immediately and slaps him on the face and tells him that she is leaving now and doesn't want him to follow.
Thank God! She shut her trap finally. This whole butt slapping thing really works. Who knew all it took was one slap on the ass to shut up a bitchy woman. I have been suffering from this problem for so long and who knew it took so little to shut them up.
End captain's flashback and end flashback
That man was one hell of a guy.
Now I know where he gets his ideas from. Who knew he was a such an asshole too.
Yeah, he said that it is best to keep that a secret from everyone else and besides the best captains allow only people to work on their ships who don't blab the truth to starfleet command. But this one guy starting blabbing and he suddenly disappeared and no one knows where that guy went after he starting spitting out the truth to starfleet. I on the other hand believe the same thing to be true too so no blabbing to starfleet about anything you see going on my ship but my methods are slightly different.
And how are they different if I may ask?
I tell my crew if you blab about any illegal act occurring on this ship, you will get to listen to the most annoying sound in the universe for twelve hours. He demonstrates the noise to her.
For god's sake, stop the fucking noise. Oh my God, for all that is sacred and holy, stop making that fucking sound.
Hey, since Captain Sakata is a real asshole I wouldn't mind cheating this one time, I guess.
I am glad you agree with me on that.
So, when do we arrive at the agreed upon spot.
We should be there in a couple of hours. So in the meantime, we will begin formulating our strategy.
Where are you having the meeting, Captain?
I have all my meetings in my favorite spot
And that is?
The hot springs of course.
I should have known that this was coming. It is the perfect place for them to pull their perverted antics. This should be very interesting to see how they act when doing actual work.
In the hot springs
Naru is walking to the hot springs and walking to the hot springs from the opposite direction is Motoko. Unbeknown to Naru she is being followed by Tama and Kuro.
Meow. ( Hey you want to see something funny?)
Muyah (What do you have in mind?)
Meow. ( We position ourselves in front of Naru's feet when she is close to Motoko and make her trip and fall on top of Motoko which if all goes according to plan, she should end up ripping off Motoko's shirt.)
Muyah. ( So Motoko will chase that silly girl and then beat the shit out of her while we watch. Sounds like fun to me.)
They initiate their plan and get in the way of Naru who ends up flying forward.
Motoko gets right in the way of Naru's flailing hands and arms and she rips off Motoko's shirt which prompts Motoko to pull out her sword and chase Naru all over the ship.
She catches her and gives her the beating of a lifetime.
That is what you get for being a pervert. I guess you are a little thick headed. I am more then willing to repeat my lessons if you so desire to have them repeated until you either learn them or I kill you. It doesn't matter to me which happens first.
Everyone had assembled in the hot springs and with the exception of Naru and Motoko everyone else had decided to take a bath and was completely nude even Captain Keitaro Urashima. One thing that would have bothered most people is that no one seemed to care that a man was bathing with a bunch of women.
So Captain what are we going to do now?
Su, we are going to do your favorite thing?
Have sex with you?
No we are going to do that after we kick Kentaro's ass.
Isn't she a little young for you, you sicko?
Actually she is much older then she appears. The molmolians age quite differently from you and me.
I look like this to seduce Keitaro into bed.
You haven't failed yet.
They both start laughing at that thought and Naru just sighs at the way they are both acting.
What a bunch of perverts. Those two are made for each other.
Your second favorite thing to do, Su?
Feel up Naru for cheap thrills!
Hey, that isn't very funny!
You can do that later but I am thinking of something else at the moment and by the way, I like to see how you are going to pull that off.
I do it like this. She walks up to Naru and pulls her shirt off exposing everything to everyone.
I didn't mean it like that but hey Naru nice chest. Can I see your ass too?
You absolutely cannot you stupid pervert. She covers herself with her shirt and sends Keitaro on a one way trip to the back wall which prompts Motoko to punish Naru for her transgressions.
No your third favorite thing that you like to do?
Make an ass out of the people who piss us off?
Yes, that's right.
Yay! We are gonna have so much fun!
This isn't a game, Lt. Su. This is serious business. We need to win this battle or we won't be able to restore our credibility as an efficient intelligent crew and that is what we want.
Naru, what are you saying? Stop using those confusing words.
What Naru is trying to say is that we need to show that we can kick ass and take names and we can be good enough to go on missions that are gonna to be fun and rewarding.
Oh, now I understand. Thanks, Captain.
And she is our engineer and can't understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Nobody understands the words that are coming out of your mouth, Naru.
Hey, well it isn't my fault I am working with a bunch of morons and perverts.
Insulting the captain is an unforgivable offense. It seems that you require more painful remainders on why you do not insult our captain or our crew which I am a part of by the way.
Those words came out of the mouth of Lt. Commander Aoyama who is now brandishing a sharp sword and is really pissed. Anyone can tell you that this is a dangerous combination and Naru is about to find out once again why insulting the captain is not in your best interest.
She sent Naru flying with one of her famed ki attacks and she slammed into the back wall which by the way is made out of a strong metal which is quite painful to get slammed into. She came to the meeting but refuses to bathe with anyone and keeps to herself in case you were wondering why she would be in the bath with Keitaro and the others if she was so unwilling to bathe with the rest of the crew.
My plan is to use Su's latest invention. This invention will allow us to board a ship that has its shields on and then we will sabotage the ship's critical functions like engines, weapons, shields and then will escape and fire everything we got on it and we should definitely win this time.
Does this invention follow any of starfleet's regulations?
HELL NO! They don't want anything that would give us an edge and I say fuck that. I want to have whatever edge I can get on the enemy. I say if dirty underhanded tactics save the day then so be it.
Ok we should have arrived at the predetermined destination. Now we wait for our opponent to show up and then our plan can begin.
End of Chapter three
Author Notes: I mention Keitaro making the most annoying sound in the universe I was thinking of the movie Dumb And Dumber when those two guys told that criminal what was the most annoying sound in the world. Next chapter will show the war games between the Hinata Sou and the Excalibur and that should be funny too. Please read and review as I would like to hear from all of you and you can give input into my story and if I like the idea I will use it and give credit to every came up with said idea. I thought that I would add in a little humorous section featuring the cast of Star Trek TNG into this story to spice things up a bit and to explain Keitaro's background a bit. One more thing, just because you don't have any ideas doesn't mean you don't need to review my stories. Just saying you like the story is good too. Add me to your author alert list and favorite list because I write a lot so you don't want to miss anything. Below this is all of the humor stories I have written so far
If you haven't read these yet. I strongly recommend that you do just that if you are looking for some gut busting laugh out loud humor which these all are.
The Dinner Party Confession
What's the worst that can happen
Coming out of the Closet
Love Hina The real story
A birthday to Remember
Oh yeah the following submissions are parodies of songs that I have written
Perverted Idiot parody of American Idiot Green Day
Is Keitaro a pervert or isn't he? Well that's enough to argue.
Try singing this one with a straight face. I can't but can you?
Perverted Boy parody of Sk8ter boi Avril Lavigne
A girl (Shinobu) sings about her love (Keitaro) and the girl that came before (Naru)
not my best one but this one wasn't easy to do either.
Hinata Sou parody of Vertigo U2
If I was in charge of writing a theme song to Love Hina this would be it.
Promise of 1985 parody of 1985 bowling for soup
In the spring special when Keitaro thinks he failed his exams for the fourth time walks away from it all and thinks back on his whole crazy life in this song.
If you don't have the cd you can go to the rollingstone website and search for the song that you video you want and can hear the song while singing my version. You won't find Vertigo though so if you are going to need that cd for that song.