TITLE: "Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)
CLASSIFICATION: J/L
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.
DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE. By the way…yes, I KNOW I left the character of Arabella Figg as she was in the first version! Trust me. :)
CHAPTER TWO: Boundaries
The Wednesday following the volatile incident in the corridor and subsequent meeting with McGonagall, Lily sat at her usual table in the library, glancing occasionally at her watch and sighing frustratedly. It was a quarter past seven, and he was late...although she didn't know why she had expected anything different. She wondered if he was even going to come at all, but dismissed the idea in light of the fact that McGonagall was stopping just short of death threats this time. She rolled her eyes...maybe she shouldn't rely on it. He could get out of anything as far as the professor was concerned.
She glanced at the clock again, noting that he was now seventeen minutes late. She wouldn't mind so much, except that now he was wasting her time. Just as she was considering simply getting up and leaving herself, he walked nonchalantly through the doors and looked idly around. His gaze fell on her and his expression changed to a grimace as he regarded her. He made no move to hurry his steps as he approached. She narrowed her eyes at him slightly as he dropped his books on the table with an insolent thud. He raised his dark brows at her and said flippantly,
"I should have known you'd be early, Evans. How predictable."
She glared openly at him now as she replied, "I'm not early...I was simply here on time. You are late."
He shrugged his shoulders, not even bothering to act surprised, and said quite insincerely, "Hmm...lost track of time."
She heaved a great sigh inwardly, but kept her expression completely blank as he sat down and began fiddling with his things. He didn't say anything else, and she wondered when he was going to get down to it. After about five more minutes of this, she asked,
"Well?"
He looked up and eyed her unpleasantly.
"Well what?"
She frowned and clarified as though she was talking to a three year-old, "Your notes? Shouldn't we start?"
He quirked an eyebrow at her and replied, "Is there some reason why we should have to communicate, here? I'd prefer if we just did our separate halves, and then got away from each other."
She felt her blood boil at the implication that speaking with her was the worst thing imaginable as far as he was concerned – as if he was a picnic to be around. She grew even angrier at the realization that the only reason she hadn't been working on it beforehand was because she had been waiting for this meeting...and then waiting for him to show up at this meeting. Expelling a breath, she decided she'd simply have to do it as she'd always done it...after all, what did he know?
Relieved to some extent that she could still work on her own, even if he was sitting directly across from her, she started jotting down some notes. After about an hour of the both of them sitting in silence, he closed his parchment and stood. She glanced up, and he didn't look back at her as he gathered his things. Before she could ask him anything, he walked away, calling sarcastically over his shoulder as he left,
"It's been fun, Evans."
She glared at his back as he strode away, and thought to herself how good it would feel to plunge a dagger right between his shoulder blades. Smiling slightly, as that thought made her feel morbidly better, she settled back in to finish up before she, too, gathered her things together and went back to the Tower. If this was how it was going to be, that was perfectly fine with her. The less talking they had to do with one another, the better.
Climbing through the portrait hole a few moments later, she was surprised to find that Helen and Arabella were nowhere to be found. Frowning slightly, she decided they must be in the dorm for some reason and headed up the stairs. As she got closer to the end of the hall, she could hear a ruckus going on in the fourth-year dorms. Just as she was about to knock on the door, it flew open to reveal Arabella, her wavy black hair pulled back and her eyes flashing, making her look even more dramatic than usual.
"Lily, thank Merlin! I was just about to come find you!" she exclaimed, grabbing Lily's wrist and pulling her inside.
"What is it?" Lily asked, concerned, as she glanced around the room and found Helen standing in the corner with four very distraught-looking girls, "What happened?"
"Oh, we've got a problem," Arabella said, a tinge of humor in her voice that only Lily could detect, "The fifth-years were trying to play around with hair charms, and...well..."
"It went horribly wrong!" one of the younger girls interrupted tearfully. Lily raised her eyebrows and set her books down on someone's bed as she walked over to where they were all standing. They looked like they had just seen something horrible, huddled in the corner as they were.
"Well, what's the...oh. Oh, dear."
As she got closer to the group, she began to smell something funny...and soon realized that the poor girls had burned off quite a bit of their hair. Struggling not to smile, Lily asked, "What charms did you try to use?"
"They aren't sure," Helen replied, lifting a singed section of brown hair on one girl's head to inspect it, "It all got out of hand, and then...well, no one remembers exactly what they did. They were frantic by the time they came to get us."
Lily stepped up behind one of the other girls and took a handful of her hair...it looked worse than it actually was, she could already tell. She glanced up to look at the girl in the mirror and, catching her eye, the girl sniffed,
"Can you help, Lily?"
Lily smiled warmly at the girl's reflection and replied, "Of course...it's really not all that bad. Honestly."
She could practically feel the relief that was washing over the fourth-years' faces, and as Lily pulled out her wand Helen commented cheerfully, "You see? I told you she'd be able to fix it...Lily's wonderful with charms."
"Yeah," Arabella chimed in, sitting down heavily on one of the beds, "I don't know why we didn't just get her in the first place."
"Well," Lily answered, trying to think of what charm would work best as she combed her fingers gently through the first girl's hair, "I was in a meeting, anyway."
"Oh, I forgot," Bella said sarcastically, "Your Wednesday night torture session."
"Shh," Lily reprimanded, thinking that the younger girls didn't need to hear this, "I'm thinking."
Arabella closed her mouth, but didn't wipe the frown off her face. A fourth-year Lily recognized as Genevieve Townsend came to sit next to her friend, on whom Lily was currently working, and asked, "Why do you and James Potter hate each other?"
Lily shrugged and replied vaguely, "Oh, I don't know that we hate each other. We just don't see things the same way."
Arabella snorted, and Lily shot her a look as Genevieve went on, "But you're both so nice. I just don't get it."
Helen saved Lily the trouble of answering and said diplomatically, "Well, even nice people have their differences. You know how it is."
Arabella smiled mischeviously and added, "Sure...plus the fact that Lily's about the only girl in the school who doesn't want him to take her to the north tower balcony."
"Bella!" Lily reprimanded laughingly, nearly missing her mark as she jarred her wand, "Stop it! You're so ridiculous."
The north tower balcony was huge and hard to get to, which made it an ideal place for couples to go to be alone. Everyone knew about it, and it was the subject of many jokes and a lot of bawdy conversations. The girls all giggled, and Genevieve replied,
"It's probably true."
Her friend, who Lily later learned was called Rachel, added, "Yeah...all the boys think you're pretty, Lily."
Lily blushed slightly and admonished softly, "Oh, come off it...and stop moving your head!"
"Well, can you blame them?" Arabella said, flopping onto her stomach and eyeing Lily with sparkling eyes, "You're one of the most underrated witches in the school when it comes to looks, you know. It must irk him that you wouldn't give him the time of day, should he ever ask."
Lily rolled her eyes at Arabella, but she was smiling just the same as she replied, "I don't give it much thought, and I can assure you all that James Potter gives it even less thought than I do."
"Oh, I don't know about that," Bella countered despite Lily's warning look, "Seems to me that he thinks about it pretty often."
"What?" Lily asked incredulously.
"Well," she continued, "He spends a good amount of time on the north tower balcony."
There was another chorus of laughter, and Lily shook her head. This was probably the most ridiculous conversation they had ever had, and it was unfortunate that they were having it in front of the fourth-year girls.
"Arabella, I promise you...I will never end up in the north tower balcony with ANYONE," she said pointedly, mostly for the benefit of the impressionable fourth-years who were hanging on their every word. She didn't want all of them to end up there one day. "Now can we please drop the subject?"
Arabella smirked at her, and raised her eyebrows as she replied, "Alright...alright. I guess I don't blame you."
"But he is handsome," Olivia, who had just taken her friend's place in front of Lily, remarked with a certain dreamy quality to her voice that made Lily's stomach churn. Why did they all have to get like this when speaking of him…sometimes it DID seem to her as though she and her friends were the only girls in school that didn't have that reaction.
"Handsome isn't everything," Bella countered, rolling onto her back now. Lily shook her head and said,
"Okay, enough talking about him. Let's talk instead about what you girls want us to do with your hair once it's all back the way it was."
"You're gonna do our hair?" the last girl, Eve, asked excitedly.
"Sure!" Helen replied, taking out her own wand, her dark eyes lighting up, "Why not? You've had such a scare, it's only fair."
They spent the next few hours with the girls, experimenting with different charms and such for hair and facial enhancements. The makeup charms were something Lily was reluctant to show them, as it would be a much worse problem were these girls to burn their faces one night instead of simply their hair, but in the end she relented. She and her friends taught them a few correct charms for hair, and after a few hours they left for their own dorm. Once there, Lily pulled out a letter she had gotten earlier that day from her mother and finished it.
"What's your Mum have to say, Lil?" Arabella asked as she stood in front of the mirror, brushing her hair. Lily smiled...Arabella had always liked her parents, and vice versa. They had spent a couple of summers together since their first year, and living in each other's houses had made them practically a part of each other's families.
"Oh," Lily replied cheerfully, "She just wrote to tell me that Dad tried to fix the kitchen sink on his own the other day."
Arabella smirked at this, and Helen giggled. It was well known that her father was not any kind of handyman, and usually fouled up anything that he was trying to repair.
"Need I even ask what happened?" Bella commented wryly, and Lily replied,
"No...you can imagine, I'm sure. He ended up very wet...and he shorted out the refrigerator, so now it won't work, either. All our ice cream is melting and the milk is going bad."
Helen and Arabella burst out laughing at the image, and after the hilarity had died down, Lily added mischeviously, "And...because of an incident with a certain wayward jet of water coming from the newly-created hole in the wall, the cat won't go within ten yards of him."
Another fit of giggles ensued, and Helen gasped, "I'll bet your mother's so brassed off at him!"
Lily chuckled and confirmed, "Well, this letter was to inform me of their impending seperation...but I get one of those every week, so I should think it'll blow over in a few days."
Later, after she had written her Mum back and struggled with her usual bout of homesickness that always hit when she received a letter from home, she she took an extra look at herself in the mirror as she put on her nightdress. Arabella was right...she wasn't plain. Unlike the other girls, she didn't wear any makeup on a daily basis and didn't fuss too much with her hair...but she supposed her features stood out to an extent on their own. Especially her eyes, she thought, leaning in a bit closer. She had always hated her red hair, but had at the same time been secretly proud of her bright green eyes. They were surely her best feature.
Smiling a little at her rare display of vanity, she pulled her hair back out of her face and climbed into bed.
As the weeks went by, the forced accociation between herself and Potter grew more and more strained. It was true that they had always been made to work together to some extent, but now they were no longer able to get their frustrations out in their regular venting. They had to hold everything in as long as people were around, and usually that meant it all came out tenfold when they were in private. Lily had gotten to the point now where she could barely stand to look at him without wanting to scratch his eyes out, and she imagined he felt much of the same towards her. She said as much to Arabella in the common room one night as they were studying.
"Well, why don't you scratch his eyes out?" Arabella suggested, rather unhelpfully. Lily rolled her eyes without looking up from her book and replied,
"That's really good, Bella. I'm so glad you're here to give me advice on these matters."
Arabella laughed lightly, and they went back to studying, having exhausted their means of conversation for the moment. Not more than three minutes later, the portrait hole opened and a few sixth year girls came walking through. Arabella looked up, frowned, and then slammed her book shut as she asked,
"Where's Cindy?"
Lily glanced at the group of girls, who eyed her nervously. They must think I'm going to take points if they tell, Lily thought with an inward smile. After a moment, Vivian cleared her throat and answered, "She's not here."
"Yeah," Arabella replied sarcastically, "I can see that much. What I'm asking is...where is she, if she's not with you lot?"
Lily, having grown bored with the conversation, turned her attention back to her book. The girls, apparently deciding that she was not dangerous at the moment, giggled a bit to each other and one of them said, "She's...indisposed."
"Doing what?" Arabella asked with no little amount of impatience. Lily looked up at her, wondering what this was all about. Who cared where Cindy Manning was right now...she hadn't even known Arabella ever spoke to the girl.
"You know already, don't you?" Vivian replied suggestively. Arabella frowned deeper as she turned to Lily and whispered,
"Yeah, right...I don't believe it. Come on, we have to go do something."
"What?" Lily demanded as Bella grabbed her wrist and practically hoisted her to her feet as the other girls walked up the stairs to the dorm. After stubbing her toe on the leg of the table as she got dragged to the portrait hole, Lily pulled out of Bella's grasp and asked, grimacing,
"What in the world is going on? Where are we going?"
Arabella looked back at her almost impatiently and said, "We're going to the north tower balcony."
"What!?" Lily exclaimed, stepping back, "Why?"
"Because," Bella explained almost desperately, "We have to see if Cindy Manning is up there."
"Who cares if she is?" Lily asked, irked.
Bella turned to her with an eyebrow raised and replied, "I should think you would...I mean, you're Head Girl."
"Oh," Lily muttered dismissively, waving a hand in the air, "We only raid that place when McGonagall tells us to. You think I really care what these people do up there?"
"Don't you?"
"No...in fact, I think I'd rather not know, so if you don't mind..."
"I NEED to go up there!" Bella almost whined, grabbing Lily's wrist again, "I made a bet with Cindy earlier that she couldn't get Ted Hawk up there tonight with her...and I don't believe she's really there. I think her friends are lying."
Lily stared at Bella and then shook her head
incredulously as she replied, "You're the most ridiculous person I have ever
met. Why would you do a thing like
that?"
Bella nodded as if to confirm
her stupidity as she explained, "I don't know, alright? It just came up somehow...and well, I can't
go up there alone."
"Why not?"
"Because, you idiot! No one goes up there by themselves!"
"Bella!" Lily exclaimed loudly, "I hardly think that having ME there makes it any less pathetic! Actually, I think you'd be better off alone."
"Anyway," Bella said, ignoring her, "I need an excuse to be up there, in case I get caught. Come on, please? We'll just take a small peek."
Lily rolled her eyes so high she thought they might pop out of her head, but she nevertheless followed Bella out the portrait hole and down the corridors to the balcony in question.
"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this."
"Oh, come on," Bella said, smiling mischeviously, "Who knows what we might see up there?"
"That's what's got me worried," Lily smiled back reluctantly. They made their way through the passages and down the dark hallways that led to the elusive north tower, and Lily thought she might die laughing once she got halfway there.
"Or maybe," Arabella was saying, "We'll see Professor Binns and the Grey Lady!"
Lily failed in her attempt to stifle her fit of giggles, and the sound reverberated through the deserted corridor. She slapped a hand over her mouth and glanced at Arabella through watery eyes, finding her just as hard-pressed to hold in her own laughter.
"Bella," she said when she could breathe again, "Would you stop it? What if we get caught coming up here?"
Bella grinned and replied, "Then a whole lot of people are going to get the wrong impression."
They didn't try to restrain themselves this time...they found that it actually ended up being louder if they did. After what seemed like a million years, they approached the doorway leading to the balcony holding their laughter-sore stomachs. There was no door, so Arabella peeked cautiously around the corner and looked this way and that. She then turned back to Lily and beckoned her forward.
"No one on this side...we have to go all the way around."
"Why?" Lily asked, suddenly very unsure about all this, "Can't you just..."
"No!" she whispered vehemently, "Come on, now! You promised."
Lily followed, even though she was pretty sure she hadn't promised anything. Even though they had been laughing about it a minute ago, she was suddenly worried about what she might see up here. Every other time she'd been here, she had been instructed by McGonagall to do her duty as Head Girl...now, she didn't have an excuse, and it was somehow making her feel guilty. As though she had no business being here.
"Bella...just find her and let's get out of here. This feels wrong."
"Oh, she won't be here...trust me. And anyway, what do you mean this feels wrong? I promise you that of all the people who have ever come up here, we have the purest intentions."
"Yes, but..."
"Ha!" Bella interrupted, her eyes alight with triumph as she rounded the last bend in the huge wraparound balcony, "I KNEW it. I knew she wouldn't be here...that little sneak. I wonder where she really is...hiding in a classroom somewhere?"
"Well, you'll find out tomorrow. Now come on..."
But before Lily could finish, they heard giggling coming from the corridor beyond the doorway. Looking at each other with wide eyes, they both had the same idea. Diving behind the nearest stone sculpture – which just so happened to be of Cupid – they huddled up to make sure they were completely out of view of the approaching couple.
"Why did we DO this?" Lily whispered frantically to Bella as the giggling grew louder, "We should have just pretended I WAS clearing the place out!"
"Well," Bella said, casting a rueful glance at the wall beside them, which was almost completely covered with carvings of various names-within-hearts, "It's too late now. We just have to stay here until they leave...but hopefully, they'll go to the other side."
It was not to be. The couple stopped almost directly across from where they were sitting...and Lily thanked the Lord it was a huge area, otherwise they would have been spotted for sure. As it was, from what they could deduce by listening to them, they were a good twenty-five feet away from the culprits. Lily cast a frustrated look at Bella, who shrugged in return. They each scooted further back against the wall, resigned to something of a wait. The girl, whoever she was, giggled yet again. Bella rolled her eyes.
"What kind of loose girl comes up here with a boy? I mean, really."
Lily smiled and pointed at the wall beside them. "THOSE girls did, apparently."
They scanned the wall for a few minutes, looking unsuccessfully for names they knew and trying not to listen to the unmistakable sounds of kissing coming from the couple on the other side of the balcony. They couldn't make any sudden movements, as the half-moon was particularly bright this evening and the people might catch their shadows.
"They aren't much for talking, are they?" Bella remarked, shifting her eyes suggestively in the direction of the duo. Lily stifled a chuckle and replied,
"This isn't where people come to talk."
Bella grinned and they fell silent again, staring up at the stars. All things considered, it was actually a very lovely evening.
"Stop...stop it!" the girl admonished playfully, causing Lily and Arabella to stick their fingers in their throats and almost lose it laughing again. They couldn't make out the response of the boy...it was muffled.
"Mr. Potter...don't be fresh," came the girl's coy voice again, and Lily felt her eyes nearly pop out of her head. Arabella threw her hand over her mouth and slammed her eyes shut in a violent struggle not to burst into hysterical laughter. Lily could feel her stomach churn...this was absolutely disgusting, not to mention thoroughly unfair. Of all the people she could have been stuck up here listening to, it HAD to be him.
"I don't believe it!" Bella finally whispered, her voice shaking with mirth.
"Neither do I," Lily said sourly, although she couldn't help smiling with her friend, "I must have the worst luck in the universe."
"I wonder who she is?" Bella frowned, craning her neck to look over the statue's bent knee.
"Careful, you ninny!" Lily hissed as she tugged on Arabella's sleeve.
"Oh, I might have known," Bella muttered, landing back on her rear end with a thump, "It's that little Ravenclaw tramp...you know, the one with the fake hair."
"Who?" Lily asked, sincerely confused.
"YOU know...the prefect. Camilla, or whatever. The one who enhances her hair with her wand every morning and ends up looking like rats nest in her pillow at night."
Lily thought hard, running through the Ravenclaw prefects in her mind, and finally coming up with a name. "Oh...Carmelina Thompson?"
"Yes...what kind of a name is that, anyway? He must have broken it off with Anne Ball again." Bella scoffed, glaring at the statue beside them as though she could see clear through it. Lily frowned and remarked,
"Oh, yeah...why do I feel like they'd been together for awhile?"
Bella shook her head and replied, "It's not as long as you think...they're on and off all the time, since fifth year. He always ends up back with her eventually...as soon as he's done with Carmelina, he and Anne'll be back up here."
Lily made a face and said, "Yuck...he's using HER as a distraction?" She inclined her head in Carmelina's direction and said, "I guess I wouldn't put it past him."
Arabella smirked and replied, "He's not as bad as his pig friend...that Black. The pair of them have probably had every girl currently enrolled in Hogwarts up here at one time or another."
Lily blinked innocently at her and asked, "Why are you limiting it to currently enrolled girls?"
Bella worked to hold in a laugh, and then replied, eyes sparkling with humor, "For that matter...why am I limiting it to currently enrolled girls?"
They fell on each other, straining to keep silent while gasping for air. It didn't seem as though their unwitting companions were listening, however. Lily rolled her eyes and winced as the noises coming from beyond the statue grew slightly louder and more urgent.
"Seriously, though," Bella whispered, her face now reflecting pensiveness as she jerked her thumb in Potter's general direction, "I think that, of the two of them, he's probably worse."
"How so?" Lily asked.
"Well, at least Black doesn't put on any airs. He's only in it for one thing, and everyone knows it. Potter...well, he gets his kick out of charming girls."
"Oh?" Lily asked, not really listening all that well. She was trying to see if there was any other way they could leave without being spotted...and it didn't look good.
"Yeah," Bella replied, now using her wand to scratch onto the stone wall, "I mean, he actually makes them like him. Then, when he decides he's had enough and wants to move on to the next victim...or go back to his semi-steady girlfriend...he leaves a broken heart behind."
"Well," Lily replied flippantly, "Anne's no innocent either...she has her pick of boys. And anyway, any girl who's stupid enough to date THAT jerk deserves to have her heart broken...shhh! What are you doing?"
Bella stopped scratching the wall with a self-satisfied smile, and when Lily leaned in to look at what she had been doing she was torn between laughter and horror. There, carved in the rock, was, "Lily Evans & Arabella Figg Were Here".
"Bella!" Lily admonished softly, but Arabella couldn't answer...she was laughing too hard. "What do you think you're doing!? What are people going to think!"
"Oh, who's gonna see it?"
"I don't know...someone, somewhere along the line!"
"Come on, Lil," Bella shook her head, "Whoever it is probably won't even know who the hell we are. It'll be a nice little mystery to wonder about."
"Yeah, whatever you say," Lily replied unenthusiastically. Bella leaned up again to peek, muttering,
"Oh, just get it over with, already! How long can it take?"
"Shut up, will you?" Lily said, "You're the one that got us into this in the first place. Helen's probably looking all over the place for us."
"Well, I'll bet you ten galleons she doesn't even THINK to look up here."
Lily sighed, conceeding this, and asked, "Well? Are they still there?"
Bella sat back down and leaned her head against the wall, replying, "Depends on what you mean by 'there'. I don't think they're quite here, if that's what you mean. Looks like they're in a world of their own, if you ask me."
"Okay," Lily clarified, giving Bella a look, "So they're still STANDING there, then?"
Bella nodded and grinned, "I hope they remain standing, too."
Lily suddenly felt nauseous and asked, "Is there any reason to believe they won't? I mean...what's going on out there?"
Bella smiled evilly and replied, "Why don't you look for yourself?"
Lily smiled and shook her head as she declared laughingly, "I don't think I will, thanks."
Arabella laughed softly and answered, "It looks like it's getting a bit heavy. Honestly...what a little hussy."
"Well," Lily replied, "It's HIS crime as much as it is hers. I mean, really...he's Head Boy! THIS is the example he sets?"
"I know."
"And with a PREFECT no less. I mean," Lily continued, suddenly angry, "THIS is why I get so frustrated. This is a perfect example of why I don't respect him in the least."
"Lily," Bella shushed, causing Lily to clamp her mouth shut. She had been getting a trifle loud. Suddenly, they heard James voice say huskily,
"What did you say?"
"I didn't say anything," came the breathy response. Lily and Arabella wrinkled their noses at each other and smiled again...it was actually very funny. Bella straightened up a bit and continued,
"You don't have to convince me, you know. I agree with everything you say regarding him. I really do...and I don't think I'm the only one."
"Oh, come on...everyone's on his side."
"That's not true," Bella objected quietly, "I think you exaggerate your disadvantage. They may not hate him like you do, but there are plenty of students who know very well that you're the one who gets the job done, and respect you for it."
Lily nodded, not sure whether or not Bella was only saying this to make her feel better. Still, she had a point.
"James...we should stop," came the voice of Carmelina, sounding rather winded.
"Mmm..." he replied. Lily shuddered...this was her punishment for coming up here in the first place.
"James...come on. We can't go further."
"We can't?" he replied, a smile evident in his voice.
"Not tonight," she replied, her tone laden with implication. Bella banged her head against the wall and rolled her eyes back into her head while Lily tried not to giggle.
"We have to get back...come on. I promise, we'll come back later."
He didn't say anything more, but they could hear the rustle of robes being righted and the sounds of kissing once again.
"Come ON, already!" Bella said again, "You're making me sick!"
As though they had heard her, James and Carmelina walked to the door and back into the castle, their footsteps receeding as they went. Bella leaned up cautiously to make sure they were gone before standing up completely, her knees cracking.
"Good Lord!" Bella exclaimed, rubbing her backside,
"I thought they'd never leave!"
"I know, but let's stay here a
minute just to make sure we don't run into them in the corridors on the way
back."
Bella quirked an eyebrow at her and said, "Don't get any ideas, Lily...I'm not one of those girls."
Lily glanced up at her, and all at once they both burst into hysterical laughter. They laughed until they were both gasping for air, and then some. By the time they got back to their dorm, they were both so exhausted they couldn't even explain to a very irate Helen where they'd been. Promising they'd tell her in the morning, they went to bed...and Lily was comfortable in the strange feeling that she somehow had an advantage over James Potter. She knew something he didn't.
As silly as it was, it lent her some sort of small confidence.
The following Wednesday, as she waited for him in the library for their weekly meeting, she was still thinking about something that had been on her mind for ages. He came in and sat down, and she bit back the urge to laugh as she thought about the last time she had seen him...or rather, heard him. She decided this might be a bad idea, however, and so she didn't waste any more time.
"I have to talk to you about something."
He glanced up at her and sighed, annoyed, "I can't tell you how shocked I am. Well, what now?"
She rolled her eyes and replied, "Look, I wasn't going to bring this up, but it really has gotten out of hand. I think we should enforce some kind of rule about moving the furniture around in the common room."
He leaned his head back and expelled a breath, groaning, "Bloody hell, Evans..."
She slammed her book shut and whispered fiercely, "Don't swear at me! I'm serious, it's getting ridiculous...when I walked in last night, ALL of the chairs were on the other side of the room."
He leaned forward in his chair now and retorted, "Yeah, you know who did that? Me. Me and my friends...and now I'd like to know what the big bloody deal is."
She narrowed her eyes and couldn't help letting her voice get a bit louder, even as she struggled not to let Mrs. Hoodwinkle overhear. "It looks terrible, and it only inconveniences other people. If you MUST move the furniture around, you should at least have the courtesy to put it back."
He opened his mouth to say something, but she wasn't finished. Cutting of his response, she said, "And I do not appreciate your cursing so much at me. For that matter, you use words like that entirely too much in front of the younger students."
He looked puzzled for a moment, then smirked and said, "This isn't cursing, Evans. You wanna hear cursing? I'd be happy to..."
"No, thank you. Just quit it."
He leaned back and ran his hands roughly through his jet black hair. Sighing a bit more loudly than she would have liked, he snarled in a sudden and unexpected burst of frustration, "Dammit, you're driving me mental! You need to lighten up!"
She replied, "Don't tell me what I need. I'm just trying to..."
"Get me arrested for committing murder...which is what's gonna happen if you don't leave me the hell alone about all this stupid, senseless stuff!"
She dropped her pencil and leaned further over the table, replying angrily, "It's your JOB to worry about this "senseless stuff", haven't you LEARNED that by now? For God's sake, I..."
"Didn't you hear what I said?" he asked harshly, "I said lighten up. For the sake of everyone's sanity, PLEASE...just stop talking."
She had had enough. Without another word, she shoved her book into her bag and grabbed the rest of her papers. Standing up, she regarded him with barely concealed contempt and, shooting a glance in Mrs. Hoodwinkle's direction to make sure she wasn't taking note of all this, she said, "You want me to stop talking, eh? Okay, fine...you got your wish. I'm leaving...let's see what you make of doing all the work YOURSELF for once."
She went to walk past him and out of the library when he said on a low, assured voice, "You can't. What about McGonagall?"
She looked back at him, one eyebrow raised. Truth be told, if felt really good walking out on him for once. "Oh...I doubt she'll know."
With that, she turned on her heel and walked out without a backward glance.
Upon leaving the library, Lily felt none of the self-assurance she would have assumed she'd feel after having given Potter a taste of his own medicine. Instead, she found herself with an uneasy stomach and a spinning head. The rush she had felt when she decided to leave had quickly drained away, leaving in its wake insecurity and doubt. Deciding she didn't want to return to the common room to face the questions of her friends, she opted instead to take a walk around the school. She wanted time to herself to sort things out.
As much as she denied to herself and others that her rivalry with James bothered her, the truth was that it did. It caused her an immense amount of stress, and she thought about it often even when she wasn't around him. She could barely remember what had started the whole thing in the first place...she supposed it had been that incident in fifth year with the fire, but she knew it had truly begun long before that. There had been little things, indications that they simply had clashing personalities, but in their first few years at Hogwarts they had been too young to fully realize the extent of their differences. She supposed it was merely because they hadn't spoken much early on, so there weren't many opportunities.
Why was it that no matter what he said or did to her, she was still able to feel guilty for walking out on him in the library?
Just as she was about to turn around and walk back to the common room, the door to the classroom to her right opened and Albert Walker, a sixth-year Hufflepuff, emerged with a girl Lily did not quite recognize. He froze when he saw Lily, and she smiled wryly at him in return.
"Oh, Albert," she lamented playfully, "Why must you have such bad timing?"
He smiled, defeated, and said, "You're gonna take points, aren't you?"
She nodded regretfully and said, "Yeah...sorry. But it's only five each, so you'll be alright. Just do something really good tomorrow so a professor will give them back."
Albert sighed and nodded, casting a glance at his girlfriend, who was blushing furiously. Lily smiled at her, and this seemed to put the girl at ease a bit as she smiled shyly back. Finally, Albert said, "Well, I guess we'd better get back, then. See you, Lily."
Lily bid them farewell and resumed her walk back to the Gryffindor common room. She found it empty except for Arabella sitting alone by the fire when she walked in, and asked curiously where Helen was.
"She's gone to bed already," Bella replied, shutting the book she had been flipping through, "I guess she didn't feel well. I said I'd go with her to the hospital wing tomorrow if she wasn't better."
Lily nodded and sat down across from her friend. "Did you see Potter come through here?"
Arabella sighed and replied, "Yeah...he came through earlier, but then he and his ghastly friends left."
Lily frowned and glanced at her watch...it was nearly ten o'clock. "Where could they have gone?"
"Why?" Arabella asked, setting the newspaper she had been reading aside, "Did something happen?"
Lily sighed and stared into the fire for a moment before replying, "No...well, yes. It wasn't anything unusual, just another stupid argument."
Bella tutted and said, "Instigated by the golden boy himself, no doubt."
Lily bit her lip and confessed, "I walked out on him."
Arabella's eyes lit up in something akin to surprised pride and she replied, "Well...good. He probably deserved it."
Lily looked thoughtfully up at her friend and said honestly, "I'm not so sure about that anymore. I mean, I can't be totally blameless in all this, can I?"
"What do you mean?" Bella asked, frowning.
"Well," Lily clarified, knowing this was the complete opposite of what she would have said had they had this conversation two hours ago, "Remember what Genevieve Townsend said that night...the night we were in there fixing their hair? She was right...no one else in the school hates James Potter. In fact, he's...very popular."
There was a small silence as they contemplated this, and then Arabella asked, "So what? You don't like him, and that's all there is to it."
"But I don't really know him, do I? And he...he doesn't know me."
Arabella leaned forward in her chair, a confused expression on her face as she pressed, "I don't understand what you're getting at...what's really bothering you? Just say it."
Lily shrugged in exasperation and replied, "I don't know. I've just been thinking that maybe...maybe I should try and fix things."
"Fix things?"
"Yeah," she finished, tucking her hair behind her ears, "You know...so that we can get along better than we have been."
Arabella leaned back, expelling a breath as she did, and then said, "I know what's gotten to you. I knew it would happen sooner or later."
Lily's brow furrowed as she cast a sideways glance at Bella and asked, "What?"
Arabella looked her in the eye and replied, "You can't stand being despised."
"What?" Lily asked again, thrown off. Arabella ran her hands through her hair and shook her head.
"Lily, it's obvious...well, at least to me. No one hates you. You've never been truly hated in your life..."
"That's not true," she interrupted, leaning forward excitedly and pointing a finger as though she were defending herself, "My sister hates me."
"That doesn't count," Bella waved her hand.
"Whyever not?" Lily asked indignantly.
"Because," Bella said matter of factly, "Your sister, at least, has a reason behind her feelings...as ridiculous and prejudiced as it may be. James Potter has no idea what you're really like...and it irks you that he hates you anyway."
Lily was about to open her mouth to veto this theory, but then sat back as she gave it more thought. It was true to some extent...it did bother her that James hated her when he didn't truly know her as a person. However, that couldn't be all there was to it...there was something else. After a few moments of sitting in silence with Arabella, the answer dawned on her.
"You know what bothers me the most, though?" she said, talking in a low voice as if she were about to tell a secret. Bella looked at her with raised eyebrows encouraging her to continue, and she went on, "It bothers me that what you're saying is true...I do hate to be hated. But it's not just that...most of all, I can't stand that it makes a difference to me but not at all to him."
Bella frowned and asked, "What do you mean?"
Lily squinted, thinking about how she could explain this, and finally replied, "The fact that he hates me bothers me...but he could care less what I think of him. Does that make sense?"
Arabella turned her gaze back to the fire and, after another moment, nodded. "Yes...it actually does, knowing what I know of you. You've always cared about what people think of you."
Lily began to protest, "That's not..."
"What I mean is," Bella clarified, "Not that you're dependant on other people's opinions to define the way you are, but...you always did want everyone to think you were a good person. Someone they could go to in a crisis, and all that. It was always important to you...even before you became Head Girl."
Lily didn't say anything...she didn't know what to say. It wasn't often that Bella got this serious in a conversation...she didn't often need to. After a moment, she went on, "The fact that Potter doesn't care what you think of him implies that he doesn't respect your opinion...and he's made this clear more than once, anyway."
"Yes, but why should I care about that? I mean...why should I care if I dislike him anyway?"
"Because," Bella replied, "His opinion influences others one way or another...and because you don't deserve the hard criticism he gives you."
"Sometimes I do...I can be hard to work with," Lily said, unable to believe she was actually defending him. Bella smirked slightly, catching this, and continued.
"You hold yourself up to the same standards you set for others, though...you're anything but a hypocrite, Lily."
Lily shrugged, slightly embarrased by her friend's praise. Arabella seemed to realize this, because just as Lily was wondering how to respond, she said with finality, "If it's that important to you, then I think you should do it. Just approach him about it, and if he's really as nice as people say he is with everyone but you...then he should also want to work things out."
Lily nodded in agreement, relieved that she had someone to back her up, and the two of them got to talking about the upcoming summer. They made plans to spend the summer together, splitting their time between their two houses...Arabella was full-blooded, and Lily was Muggle-born, so visiting with each others' families was always an interesing prospect. Helen would be invited too, of course, but she would probably be travelling with her family abroad, as usual. After about forty-five minutes, the portrait hole swung open and in strode James and his friends, talking and laughing rather loudly. They didn't even look in their direction as they turned toward the stairs, and Lily jumped up.
"Sorry...James?"
He didn't turn, but merely kept walking and talking to Sirius. She felt Arabella nudge her in the back, and so she called again, "James?"
This time he stopped, but when he turned to look at her it was with an expression of such pure contempt that she felt her confidence withering as she walked a bit closer to where he was standing.
"What?" he bit out.
She lifted her chin a bit and forced herself not to wring her hands in nervousness as she felt the distinctive pressure starting in her chest. It was almost like stage fright, and she only got in when she was forced to come up with something clever or appropriate to say on the spot. She wished she was better at this, but now was not the time to start thinking along those lines.
"I wondered if I could talk to you for a minute," she said in what was perhaps the softest tone she had ever used with him. She hoped her voice hadn't shaken when she'd said it. He eyed her insolently for a second, and then turned to his friends and muttered,
"Come on."
She felt the heat rise unexpectedly to her face as her jaw dropped...surely he wasn't going to leave her standing there? "James!"
He stopped once again and turned around, a look of extreme impatience furrowing his brow. He didn't reply, but merely stood there waiting, and so she said, "It'll only take a minute. Please?"
He let out a dry laugh and replied condescendingly, "Well, you had the chance to talk to me before, and you bloody well didn't take advantage of the opportunity, did you? I think we'll just leave it at that, Evans."
He turned again to proceed up the stairs, and Lily was just drawing a breath to let him have a piece of her mind when she felt a hand on her arm...it was Arabella. Lily had almost forgotten she was sitting there, and now she was regarding the four of them with an extremely cold look on her face.
"Forget it, Lil," she said loudly, causing the boys to glance over their shoulders one last time, "You tried. I guess we know now that you are simply the bigger person."
Arabella was about to lead Lily up the stairs to the girl's dormitories when Sirius Black turned and, with a suggestiveness evident in his tone, said in a low voice, "Oh, I dunno...I think you're bigger than she is, Figg. In certain...areas, at least."
Black was leering at Arabella, and Lily felt her stomach drop to her feet as Potter gave a short laugh and smiled smugly at his friend in response. Never had they stooped to making these kinds of comments to her before...and although she knew it had been directed at Arabella, she had indirectly caught the tail-end of it. In fact...the implication was worse for her. She glanced at Arabella, and she didn't think she'd ever seen her looking so furious. Her eyes were narrowed dangerously, her cheeks flushed, and her chin was so high she was almost looking down her nose at Black.
"What did you say, Black?" she asked in a deceptively calm voice. Lily saw all at once that this could be very ugly, and placed a hand on Bella's sleeve to forstall an outburst.
"Bella..."
"Did I say something?" Black was asking James, who replied promptly,
"Naw...I didn't hear anything."
They both started to laugh, and suddenly Remus Lupin stepped forward. "Come on," he said simply to them, and they each shot one last look at Lily and Arabella before turning and following a blank-faced Remus up to their dorm. The minute they were out of sight, Bella stated in a low voice,
"That was the most immature, piggish thing I've ever heard in my life."
Lily was inclined to agree, but didn't want to egg Bella on and so instead replied, "Yeah...well, they are just boys. It's only typical."
Arabella snorted and replied, "Not BOYS...young MEN. They are on the outside, anyway...they're acting like twelve year-olds. Stupid, boorish, disgusting..."
"Well...let's just forget it, okay?"
Bella turned to look at Lily incredulously as they went up the stairs and said, "You can't mean that...you can't mean you're EXCUSING..."
"No, no," Lily reassured her, propelling her gently through the door to the dorms, "I'm just saying that you shouldn't take it personally sometimes."
"That," Arabella said, "Was VERY personal. It was way out of line...and I think you should report it to McGonagall."
Lily rolled her eyes and said, "No...that's all I need."
"Lily...have you really been insulted so often by that git that you aren't even affected by this?"
"Look, Bella," she said with finality, too tired and put out to continue the conversation, "The fact is, I DID walk out on him today. I started it this time."
"But..."
"And," she went on in a whisper, refusing to be interrupted as she dressed for bed, "I think I should just accept the fact that it's much too late to fix anything now. We hate each other, and that's that...it's gone on for too long and too many words have been exchanged."
Bella didn't seem happy with it, but she thankfully didn't press any further as they got into bed. As she drifted to sleep, however, Lily couldn't help cringing at what Black had said. She knew it was a comment that had been made simply to stir things up, and that it didn't hold any meaning...but it somehow hurt all the same. She decided that this was something she simply couldn't stand for...it went against everything she had ever been taught, everything she had ever learned about herself...her entire code of ethics. Bella was right...they had crossed a line tonight, and she couldn't let the thick skin she had developed when it came to Potter blind her to what was right and what was absolutely wrong.
Perhaps it was true that they'd never be able to get along well, but at least they could come to some kind of understanding...and Lily was going to make sure this sort of thing never happened again. Rolling over, she resolved to do it tomorrow...no matter what.
To Be Continued in Chapter Three
More Fic by Emmyjean at
The Hidden Tower
www.hiddentower.50megs.com