CHAPTER THREE: Stepping Down
"May I have a word with you, please?"
Lily hid her clenched hands behind her back as she stood before an irritated-looking James Potter and his three friends in the Great Hall. Sirius Black was throwing her an extremely condescending look, Peter Pettigrew looked as though the sight of her made him sick, and Remus Lupin remained perfectly blank. She supposed she should thank him for that, at least. James sighed and replied,
"I'm eating."
Normally, this would have made her angry, but she was a girl on a mission. She had made up her mind the night before to lay down the law with him once and for all, and she wasn't about to let her insecurities get in the way now. Cringing inwardly at her own word choice, she thought that it was strange that she'd only begun to feel truly insecure around him in recent months...probably just because she'd never had to work with him as closely before. Pushing the thought from her mind for now, she cleared her throat and said quietly,
"This can't wait, I'm afraid."
He glanced up at her, and although his eyes hadn't lost their sheen of impatience, at least her tone seemed to have gotten his attention. Setting his fork down on his plate, he stood up and turned to face her. He was standing very close, looking down at her face. She wondered if he was actually trying to intimidate her with his size or if she was merely being paranoid in the wake of all this trouble. He raised his eyebrows expectantly and asked,
"Well?"
She turned and walked purposefully out of the Hall, praying that he'd at least have the decency to follow her and not sit back down. Pushing open the heavy wooden doors, she was relieved to feel someone behind her holding them open after she let them go. Walking off to the side, she turned around to look him in the face as she began,
"I wanted to talk to you about...what happened last night."
He raised his dark eyebrows yet again, as though waiting for her to continue. Grumbling inwardly, she went on, "I think this has all gone a bit too far, don't you?"
"What do you mean?" he asked in mock ignorance. She stifled a sigh...she was truly tiring of this charade. Still, she wasn't about to let this spiral into an argument. She wanted results from this conversation, not more resentment.
"Well," she continued stoically, "First of all, I think it was probably wrong of me to walk out on you in the library."
"Probably?" he laughed, crossing his arms in front of him.
"It was wrong, and for that I apologize...but you must understand that it came as a result of all these bad feelings that have been escalating between us for years. What I really wanted to talk to you about, though, was...er, that comment that Sirius Black made before you all went to bed last night. In the common room."
He didn't reply, but she could see something flicker in his eyes momentarily. She didn't know what it was, and she didn't care...she wasn't going to be deterred.
"I didn't think it was appropriate, to tell you the truth. In fact, I think it was way out of line."
He sighed and uncrossed his arms. "Come on, Evans...it was just a joke."
"It wasn't funny," she said seriously, causing him to shake his head and reply,
"Why are you talking to me about this? I didn't say it."
She shifted her books impatiently to her other hip and said, "Because you're Head Boy, and you didn't do anything to stop it. You didn't say anything in mine or Arabella's defense."
He looked her straight in the eye then, and she was a bit taken aback as he started talking. "How can you expect me to defend you? All you do every time you see me is complain and criticize. I doubt you've ever said a good word about me in your life...and anyway, I should think you'd be fully capable of standing up for yourself."
She frowned and replied, "Why should I always be the one? Why do I always have to be the disciplinarian? For once, couldn't you have just..."
"Oh, don't start with this, please," he said, holding up a hand, "I'm so tired of hearing it I could kill myself. I can recite the whole thing by heart – I don't take my duties seriously, I don't deserve the badge, and all the rest. Frankly, I don't believe this was what was going through your mind when you kept quiet last night."
"Oh no?" she replied, not understanding how this conversation could possibly be going like this. She had assumed she would come out on top, no question...what was happening here?
"No," he said matter-of-factly, "I think you stayed silent because you're afraid of him."
"What!?" she blurted, unable to believe what he was implying.
"Of course," he replied, "I mean, why would you wait for me to intervene if I'm such an ineffective prat all the time? Surely you couldn't have actually been counting on me."
She blanched and pointed out, "Well, you're certainly proving your point now, aren't you? I mean, obviously I can't count on you."
He nodded and replied shortly, "I guess not. Are we finished?"
She stared at him for a moment, until she was afraid she might slap the smug look off his face, and then said, "You know, I didn't expect much of you, Potter, but somehow I'm still disappointed."
"Before you go on about how I'm a horrible Head Boy and an awful person, I want to ask you something. Do you actually get a kick out of getting on people's backs for such little reasons? I mean, what's in it for you, if not a power rush?"
She sighed and replied, "How many times do I have to say it? It's my job...it's OUR job. I don't even think I should have to justify myself to you."
He frowned deeply and opened his mouth, but she decided she wasn't going to let him speak for once and went on, "You have some nerve, standing there and acting like you care at all about your duties while simultaneously making me look like a slacker or something for walking out on you. You don't care, and I don't know why you don't just admit it instead of pretending you do...I mean, everyone in the school knows it, Potter."
He didn't respond for a moment after she finished, and then after a few seconds said, "You don't know what you're talking about. Everyone in the school comes to me all the time with their problems."
She shook her head slowly, watching the anger on his face grow.
"They go to you to get out of having to serve detentions or to get points reinstated...they come to ME if they want things to get done. That's the difference between us."
She could see suddenly that she had struck a nerve with him by the subtle way his expression changed. His eyes went from being fiery with anger to cold and masked. He straightened slighly and replied, disdain oozing from his voice, "Really? Well, just keep telling yourself that, Evans, if it makes you feel more important."
She grimaced...not this argument again. She was beginning to get tired of being told how insignificant she was. "It's the truth, Potter, whether you want to admit it or not. I don't know what else to say."
"I just try and fix what you screw up, and believe me, it happens often. Speaking of which...you took ten points away from Albert Brooks last night for being in the corridor after dark."
She blinked, confused at the abrupt change of subject. "Yes...what about it?"
"I reinstated five of the ten...we agreed on a set amount of points. You seemingly disregarded this."
She stepped back and her frown deepened as she replied, "Well, that was premature of you. If you had come to me first, as you were supposed to have done, I would have told you that five points were taken from Albert and five from the girl he was with. I'll just have to take the points again when I do the next set of reports."
"No, you won't."
"I won't?" she replied, thrown off by his sudden cold attitude.
"No," he stated matter-of-factly, "He was just trying to find a place to be alone with his girl, and I don't think he should be punished for that. It's alright...no one expects YOU to understand how these things work."
She didn't say anything...merely stared at him. She could feel her face go slack, and she suddenly felt very small.
"Actually," he said after a moment, a glint of mocking scorn coloring his chilly stare, "I suppose you may have read about it in a bloody book once."
It felt as though he'd just slapped her in the face, and her chest closed up as though trying to contain her roiling emotions. He turned as if to walk away, and suddenly something inside her snapped. It didn't matter if she found the perfect words or expressed herself completely clearly, she just needed to spill her mind before it exploded.
"You know something?" she began a tad shrilly, causing him to turn with a bemused expression on his face, "That is the SECOND extremely personal thing you've said to me in the past twenty-four hours. It's going to stop NOW!"
He glanced quickly down the corridor as if to make sure no one was overhearing this as she practically hissed the last word, and it made her even more angry. To her dismay, she could feel tears of frustration stinging her eyes and her throat was working hard to swallow back the lump that was threatening to form there. She had only ever gotten this worked up a couple times in the past, and both were when she was dealing with an immovable and unreasonable Petunia. She hadn't cried then, in front of her sister, and she'd be damned if she was going to cry now in front of James Potter.
"How dare you stand there and...and insult me like this? Does it make you feel big...making me feel so small? Are you really that despicable?"
She was practically shouting now, and she didn't care. She knew that no one was here besides them, and no one was hearing anything, but she wouldn't have cared even if they had been standing in the middle of the crowded common room. This wasn't something she could hold back any longer. He was staring at her, as an emotion she could honestly describe as uneasiness was beginning to taint his expression. She was only encouraged by this, and went on, her traitorous voice audibly trembling now.
"I didn't think you could sink any lower after last night, but it looks like I was wrong. I...I mean, I...I," she stammered, trying desperately to get a hold on what she wanted to say. He stepped forward a bit now, one hand held slightly in front of him as if to ward her off.
"Okay...alright, hold on..." he started to say in a low voice, but she ignored him. She would not be put off.
"I tried to come to you about this in earnest last night, and you let Sirius Black...I've never been so...not in my whole life. Then, this morning, I tried again...and you insult me in ways I've never...I mean, how do you treat someone like that!?"
"Would you lower your voice, please?" he hissed at her, and she merely got louder.
"Oh, is that how it is? You'll say whatever you want to me without fear because I won't do anything, right? You don't have the GUTS to say these things in front of anyone...why don't you? Why don't you just insult me in public? If everyone likes you so much better, then it shouldn't be a problem."
"Would you just hold on a minute, dammit!" he broke in, his anger at her tirade and his nervousness at her volume waging war on his face. There was something else mixed in as well, though...something that looked ever-so-slightly like guilt. She didn't care. She was probably mistaken, and anyway...he should feel guilty.
"Yeah, I know," she interrupted, causing him run a hand violently through his hair in frustration, "I'm always out of line, always overreacting, aren't I? Well you know something? It's one thing to criticize me in the capacity of Head Girl...it's something completely different when the slurs get personal. And this is going to stop before it goes any further. I'm going to McGonagall."
His face turned stony and he replied, "Of course you are...I should have known it was coming."
She felt her face starting to constrict, and she felt like she was going to tear her hair out if she stood here any longer. "Are you still on about McGonagall and that whole thing? Something that happened years ago? Well, fine...if that's what you want to believe I do all the time – ratting on you to McGonagall – then I might as well live up to my reputation."
At her last words, before she turned on her heel to stalk away and leave him standing there in the corridor, she could see the color drain from his face as his eyes gauged her seriousness. Apparently, he was finally realizing that this time was different. She went into class with a sour expression still plastered on her face, and Arabella noticed.
"Well...what now? Did he say something else to you?"
Lily shook her head and laughed a bit maniachally as she pulled out her parchment, ink, and quill for the exam. "Do you have to ask? I mean, why do I even bother, really? I should just take it to McGonagall."
"That's what I've been saying this entire time!" Bella snapped, not at Lily but rather at the entire situation. Helen sighed and added,
"Well...you can't say you didn't try everything."
Before they could say any more, Professor McGonagall walked in. As she turned to look, Lily noticed that James had already come in and taken his seat...he was now looking at her with a strange look on his face, as though he was waiting for her to explode or something. She frowned coldly at him and then turned away, determined not to let him weasel out of trouble this time. She WAS going to McGonagall, and that was that. Satisfied with her decision, she promptly dipped her quill in her ink and began on the exam she had just been given.
Some time later in the hour, Lily glanced up as the door to the classroom opened and Professor Dumbledore himself walked in. She frowned slightly, wondering what could warrant his visit, but she decided it must be school business as he beckoned to McGonagall. She nodded and went out into the corridor after him, and Lily went back to her exam. Not three minutes later, Professor McGonagall came back in the room. Her face was ashen, and she looked around the room until her eyes fell upon Lily.
"Miss Evans...may I see you outside for a moment?"
Her voice was neutral, but her eyes spoke volumes. Lily felt a strange, unnamed fear grip her as she set her quill down and stood up. She didn't make eye contact with anyone, but she knew that every eye in the room was on her. Slowly, she made her way to the door, and McGonagall stepped aside so that she could pass through. The professor turned and gave some instructions to the class, and then proceeded to lead Lily down the corridor.
"The headmaster wishes to speak to you, Miss Evans," she replied in her usual crisp tone, but she wouldn't turn around to look at her. Lily swallowed hard as they got to the door of Dumbledore's office, and McGonagall gave the password. Lily didn't even hear it.
As soon as she had been ushered in, she was asked to take a seat. Dumbledore's face was set gravely, and his eyes weren't twinkling. Before he could speak, Lily blurted,
"What's happened?"
Dumbledore sighed as McGonagall left the room, and when he opened his mouth to speak, Lily somehow knew she was about to take a horrible blow.
"Lily," he began, addressing her informally, "As headmaster of this school, I am presented with a great many unpleasant duties. This particular one, however, is always the most painful."
Lily wanted to jump out of her chair, or scream, or stop him from talking, but she just sat there. It was all she was capable of at the moment.
"I am saddened to inform you, my dear, that there has been another Death-Eater attack...an attack which...well, we've never seen something of this kind on such a grand scale before. An entire town was demolished. It happened a week ago...in Surrey."
She wouldn't have felt any more strangled if he'd reached across the desk and grabbed her by the throat. She wanted to ask him to stop talking, to demand that he just not say what he was about to say...but all she could do was shake her head inanely. Dumbedore's eyes became deeper somehow, softer, as he watched her try and cling to her denial. Leaning over his desk and folding his hands in front of him, he held her eyes with his own sorrowful blue ones as he said, "Lily, I'm terribly sorry...your parents..."
Lily stopped listening to him. She knew what he was telling her without having to hear it. She simply stared at the front of the Headmaster's desk...she wanted to vomit, or scream. She wanted to go to sleep, to shut down...she didn't remember anything that happened after that. She was faintly aware of Dumbledore speaking comforting words of some kind, of McGonagall re-entering, of Arabella and Helen kneeling beside her chair. She remembered someone suggesting the hospital wing, and herself insisting upon her own bed. Although she didn't recall the trip, she knew she was now lying in her bed in Gryffindor Tower. Arabella and Helen were lying on either side of her...Helen was holding her hand, and Bella was playing with her hair.
"Lily...you've got to let it all out," Helen was saying.
"It's the only way to start healing," Bella added, her voice choked with her own unshed tears as she stroked Lily's head, "We're here for you."
Lily didn't respond...she wanted to, in some ways. She wanted them to leave her alone. She didn't know what she wanted. In the end, she remained silent.
At some point, she fell asleep. When she awoke, Arabella and Helen were in their own beds. She didn't know what time it was, or how long she had been asleep. She lay awake, staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours. When the sky outside her window turned from black to blue to pink, she drifted back into oblivion. She decided, as her lids closed around the thick tears that blurred her vision and stung her eyes, that she DID know what she wanted.
She wanted to stay asleep and never wake up.
She went on like this for days, not caring about anything. She knew Arabella and Helen were trying their best to help her...they didn't leave her side for the next few days, and tried like mad to get her to eat something or to say more than a sentence at a time. She attempted to act as though she were feeling better for their sakes, but she felt as though she wanted to die from the sour pain in her stomach every time she thought of her Mum and Dad. She couldn't bring herself to get up, couldn't bring herself to talk about it. After a few days, Bella and Helen reluctantly went back to attending class, and Lily used the time alone to stare out the window and imagine that nothing had changed. She wondered if it was possible, somehow, to transport herself back in time using magic.
She wished she didn't know anything about magic. She wished she hadn't come to Hogwarts, wished she hadn't gotten that blasted letter. It was her fault...everything was her fault. If she had just been born a normal girl instead of a freak like Petunia said, her parents would still be alive to dance at her sister's wedding.
Petunia. She had written Lily a brief letter...her parents memorial service had already been held. There was no need to come home, as if there was any home to go to anymore. Needless to say, Lily wasn't welcome at her wedding anymore, either. With her parents gone, there was no one to insist upon it. She wondered briefly if the memorial service had been held before she had even been told, and decided it must have been...of course Petinua would send word to Dumbledore only after it was too late for Lily to do anything.
Not that there was anything she could do.
She walked blindly away from the window and back to her rumpled bed. She looked forlornly at the covers for a moment, a million thoughts running through her head even though she couldn't hold on to a single one of them. Suddenly, she wanted her older sister to be there more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life. Laying down, unable to escape the wave of loneliness which seemed to knock her down every time she tried to get up, she closed her eyes to keep them from burning and tried once again to seek refuge in sleep. It came, but only fleetingly...she was awake again by the time Arabella and Helen came back from class. She gave them a weak smile as they walked in, but much as she tried she couldn't make it meet her eyes.
"Lily," Helen said softly, "How are you feeling?"
Lily shrugged, because she knew if she voiced what was truly in her heart she would burst into tears. She didn't want that. They glanced at each other and Arabella walked over to her bed. Seating herself at Lily's thigh, she said,
"Are you hungry?"
Lily shook her head, and Helen added, "Come on, Lil. Let's go on down to dinner...they'll be serving shepherd's pie. It's your favorite."
Lily smiled and shook her head wanly again...shepherd's pie. No one could make it like her Mum could. She looked down quickly, before they could see the tears. Arabella and Helen had an exchange of some kind while Lily was looking away, because after a moment Helen excused herself to fetch some food for all of them. Despite her mood, Lily had to smile inwardly at their persistence. Once Helen had left, Arabella picked up a brush from Lily's night table and went to sit behind her. She began running the brush over her mussed red hair as she talked.
"Are you alright?"
She had asked before, of course, but Lily could tell that this time she wanted a serious answer. She sighed and replied quietly,
"No, I'm not. Is that so unusual?"
After a pause, Bella said, "No, it's not unusual...but you're also never going to feel better if you keep on like this. It's been almost a week, Lily."
She didn't respond, but merely reveled in the feel of the brush in her hair. It was relaxing. After a moment, Bella began talking again.
"A lot of people were asking after you in class today. They're all worried."
Again, Lily didn't respond. She got the feeling Arabella was waiting for her to say something in particular, but she simply wasn't interested in what other people wanted to know. It wasn't any of their business. Arabella didn't say anything more, and Helen soon came back with food for the three of them to share. Lily sat with them as they ate and made some conversation...they were obviously trying to get her mind off things, which was impossible. She couldn't swallow a single bite, however, and soon she went back to bed. As much as she didn't want to be alone through this, she felt even worse when she was with other people. She didn't know what she wanted, and so she made her escape to sleep again.
When she woke up, it was the next morning. Lily squinted out the window and wondered what day it was...it must be Monday. It was a beautiful, clear day...which made it all the more ugly in Lily's eyes. It was as if everything was taunting her for her hardship...she couldn't get away from it. Just as she could feel the wetness clouding her eyes again, she heard a soft knock at the door. Frowning as she wondered who would knock, she called out for them to enter.
To her shock, the door came slowly open and the headmaster himself walked through. His white beard was gleaming in the morning sunlight, and his eyes were fixed warmly upon her. She felt her cheeks burn at her pajama clad form, but knew in the back of her mind that she was perfectly decent. He idled over to the window and gazed out upon the grounds for a moment before he spoke, and when he did it was in a soft, kind voice.
"On mornings like these, when the sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky, I often enjoy a stroll around the lake. After all...it's a shame to waste a beautiful day."
He turned then to regard her knowingly.
"I know you feel right now as though nothing will ever be beautiful again, Lily. You feel as though the light in your life has been extinguished."
Lily swallowed at the completely accurate description of her current feelings. It was as if he had been reading her mind before he walked in. When she didn't speak, he went on.
"However...feelings such as these cannot remain strong forever. As impossible as it seems now, they will fade with time...and you will find joy in other things."
He came closer to her bedside, and she noticed for the first time how serious his eyes were underneath their understanding sheen.
"You cannot find happiness while simply sitting in bed and waiting for the pain leave your heart of its own accord. You must get up and search it out, Lily. Do you understand?"
She looked into his blue eyes and wondered to herself if he had become this sympathetic to human emotion by simply having lived so long and experienced so much...or because he himself had experienced death in a personal capacity.
"Yes, sir...I do."
He nodded, and replied, "Good...then I'll expect to see you tonight at dinner."
He smiled as he said this, and she smiled and nodded in return. He turned to leave, and before he walked out she called,
"Professor Dumbledore?"
He looked back at her.
"Thank you."
Smiling, he waved his hand and took his leave. She turned her head to gaze out the window once more...he was right. After all, she had already wasted a week, and she couldn't stay in here forever. Half-heartedly, she got up and grabbed some clothes before heading to the showers. She'd have to make up a lot of work, and she supposed that she might as well do it over the Christmas holiday, as it was obvious she wasn't going anywhere. Pushing the thought from her mind for the moment, she stepped out of the shower and pulled a brush through her hair. Standing in front of the mirror in her dorm a few minutes later, clad only in her underthings, she regarded herself with a critical but not altogether interested eye. She had lost weight...it was obvious. Her face looked pale and strained. She looked like hell...and she didn't care.
Pulling on a sweater and some blue jeans, she made her way down to the Great Hall for dinner. She didn't really think she was going to end up eating anything, but she wanted to take the first step all the same. At least it was Friday and she wouldn't have to actually attend class until Monday...that gave her two days to try and get back on a normal sleeping schedule. Lily paused for a moment before pushing open the doors of the Great Hall, knowing she was facing everyone for the first time since that day in class. Taking a breath, she entered...and despite the fact that no one pointed and the conversation didn't become hushed, Lily couldn't help feeling as though everyone was watching her.
As soon as she got within viewing range of her friends, they both looked up and saw her. Helen's eyes lit up...and Lily could see Arabella start to smile slightly even as her blue eyes scanned her face shrewdly as though wanting to make sure she was up to this. Lily responded with a small smile to both of them and said softly as she approached,
"Hey...I thought I'd come and see what we're having."
Helen and Arabella were obviously overcome with relief that she was there, and the other students who were sitting nearby expressed various sentiments of happiness that she was back and sympathy over what had happened. She appreciated it all, even thought it truly wasn't something she wanted. She spent the entire evening pretending that nothing was wrong, all the while knowing that she was failing miserably. She didn't have it in her to converse very much, and she felt as though she was always on the verge of regressing and simply heading back up to her bed for another two weeks or so. Still, she knew that this was the hardest part, and it would only get easier. At least, that was what she was praying would happen...otherwise, she was in deep trouble.
After dinner was finally over and everyone was going back to their respective common rooms, Lily felt a hand tap lightly on her elbow as she trailed slightly behind her friends. Turning, she was surprised to see James Potter standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets.
"I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute."
She blinked and asked, "Now?"
He shrugged slightly and replied, "Whenever you get a minute."
She glanced at Arabella and Helen, who had by now turned to see where she had got to and were watching suspiciously. Lily motioned at them to go ahead, and they reluctantly turned and continued on their way...she knew they would be fiercely guarding her privacy from now on, and she appreciated it. Walking slightly to the side of the corridor with James, she looked blankly up at him as he cleared his throat and began speaking.
"I, um...I know you have a lot of things on your mind right now. I wanted you to know that you don't have to worry about anything...you know, regarding our duties and all that. I'm taking care of it...for as long as you need."
She nodded indifferently, not sure how to respond
to this. She was about to mutter some sort
of thanks when he continued in a quiet voice,
"Listen...I also wanted to
apologize for...well, everything. I
know it probably doesn't mean anything now, and it sounds insincere considering
the circumstances, but...I wanted to say it anyway."
He was right...it did sound insincere. She supposed that her parents' deaths was just the thing to instigate his feelings of guilt for the way he'd been acting. She nodded again in a detached sort of way, and cast her eyes to the floor. All she wanted to do was get back to her dorm and go to bed. He seemed to sense this, and so he said,
"Well...I guess that's all. I'm...truly sorry about your parents."
He looked completely sincere, just like everyone else. She hated that everything had to change...now, everyone was going to treat her differently. She wished that she could just erase the past week from their minds and have their opinions of her be unaffected by what happened...even if they ended up hating her. At least the emotion would be genuine. She knew she couldn't, though, and so she merely nodded and walked the rest of the way back to the common room.
The weekend passed by torturously, and soon she was wishing that she DID have class to take her mind off of everything that had happened. As it was, she simply wasn't in the mood for recreational activity. As the next couple of weeks passed, she found that she had never felt so lacking in direction...she didn't know where to go or what to do that would somehow fill the time so that she wouldn't think about her parents. When she was in class, it was better, but suddenly it seemed as though the evenings lasted forever. Her grades didn't see a slip, as she spent all the time she could after hours studying, reading, or doing assignments to pass more time. In general, the days seemed to drag by, and she found that she could no longer sleep easily at night...she kept dreaming about her parents deaths, as though she had been there and had seen it happen.
But she hadn't been there, and that was the problem. Truthfully, she knew that there would have been nothing she could have done to stop the attack, but it didn't really make thinking about it easier. The rest of the school was quick to notice that she wasn't improving, and although no one said anything to her about it, she knew they were all talking behind her back. Arabella and Helen were worried, and McGonagall was consistently asking her if she needed counsel. She refused every time...it wouldn't help anyway. She knew the professor was concerned about her position as Head Girl, as Lily's drive in that area was significantly lowered, if not eliminated completely, by what had happened.
She hadn't taken as much as a single point away from anyone since she had gotten back to her regular routine, and during the meetings with McGonagall on Fridays she simply sat in silence and allowed James to speak. She didn't offer opinions, make suggestions, or even argue anything that he said or did. He, for his part, left her alone. He didn't approach her, and she was glad of it...it would have been extremely awkward. He didn't ask for her help or demand her participation, and she supposed that was his show of support for her...it was more than enough from him.
This went on for a full two weeks until, a few days before everyone was set to leave for Christmas holiday, Lily decided it couldn't go on any longer. She may not care about her own position as Head Girl, but she did feel a sense of guilt that things weren't getting done when there could be someone out there who would be happy to do them. She wasn't getting the job done anymore, and there was no use trying to continue with the charade that she was. She spoke to McGonagall one night after class, and as she had expected, the professor tried to forstall her decision.
"Miss Evans," she said in a soft voice, "I know this is an extremely difficult time for you, but I want to stress that you shouldn't make any rash decisions. Give yourself time...you may feel differently later, and I wouldn't want to make any irreversable changes in the meantime."
Lily shook her head and said, "Thank you, Professor, but I have given it a lot of thought already. I simply can't handle the added stress anymore...and that alone speaks to my inadequacy for the position. I really think you ought to give it to someone else...someone who can do the job now."
They went back and forth a few times over it, and in the end McGonagall finally relented.
"I am deeply sorry to have to accept your resignation, Miss Evans. However, I want you to know that nothing will be decided in this matter until at least a week after Christmas holiday is over...if you should change you mind."
"Thank you," Lily replied, knowing full-well that she wouldn't change her mind. Just as she was about to turn to leave, McGonagall called,
"Oh, one last thing. Potter is in the library right now, finishing something up for me. I want you to go and tell him yourself of your decision."
Lily nodded impassively...he'd probably be relieved. She walked the familiar route to the library, and when she went in he was indeed sitting at her usual table. As she approached, he pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. She sat, and he looked up, putting them back on and regarding her with no little amount of surprise.
"Hi," he said simply, and she noted in that one small word that his tone was certainly a bit kinder than it had ever before been with her. She rolled her eyes inwardly...what had happened hadn't changed anything, it just made people feel like they had to treat her like glass. Sitting down across from him, she folded her hands in front of her and began.
"I just came...well, I thought I should let you know something before you found out somewhere else," she said, failing to mention that McGonagall had asked her to come here and tell him herself. He didn't say anything, but merely continued looking at her and waiting, so she went on,
"I've just resigned from my position as Head Girl. They should be filling the spot shortly after Christmas, so you needn't worry about that."
She paused here so that he could comment if he wished, but he only blinked once, frowned, and said confusedly, "What?"
"I know it's a bit rushed, but there shouldn't be anything to do as far as paperwork over the holidays. You'll have no trouble handling it alone."
He remained silent, but his brow was still furrowed. After a moment in which he didn't make any kind of verbal response, she finished, "Well, I'm going back to the tower. I'll see you around."
He shrugged and replied, "Alright," and she stood up to leave. She felt as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders...it was one less thing that she had to worry about, one less thing that she was going to be forced to deal with for the rest of the year. She was feeling slightly confident in her decision by the time she got back to Gryffindor Tower, and she was just about to give the Fat Lady the password when she heard a male voice call her from down the hall.
"Lily, wait a second!"
She turned and was surprised to see that it was James. He was jogging to catch up with her, and he must have left the library no more than a couple of minutes after her. She wondered that she hadn't recognized his voice...and then realized it was because he had used her first name. It was so odd that it had thrown her off...she wasn't used to it. She raised her eyebrows as he approached, slightly breathless. He was still frowning.
"Hold on...maybe I don't fully understand. Are you telling me you've taken a leave of absence, or that you've quit?"
She sighed, having thought the discussion was over, and replied, "It's permanent. As of earlier today I am no longer Head Girl."
His frown deepened as he asked, "Have you talked to McGonagall about this?"
She nodded and replied, "She was the first to know."
"And she's letting you do it?"
She felt herself frown now, and answered, "Yes...she really has no choice, does she? She accepted my badge earlier."
The truth was, her badge was still in the pocket of her robes...she hadn't handed it in. She had simply forgotten to do it earlier, and made a mental note to drop it off later. James shifted his weight from one foot to the other and turned to stare down the corridor as if he was trying to see something at the far end. He shook his head and said,
"I can't believe you're quitting. You're just giving up."
She could feel herself starting to get angry...who was he to pass judgement? He was making it sound like she had somehow let him down personally, as if he had ever cared what she said or did.
"Well, I wouldn't say that it's any of your business. It's my decision to make."
He looked her in the face again and replied, "But it's a decision that affects a lot more people than just yourself. You're throwing everything away in a rash move that you're going to regret later."
She gave a little mirthless laugh of disbelief, and said, "Since when do you care what I do? Listen, I'm really very tired...and I don't wish to discuss this anymore."
She made to turn and give the password, but suddenly he was between her and the portrait hole. He sighed angrily and said,
"Look, you're giving it up for all the wrong reasons. I never would have thought it of you."
She stepped back a bit and felt her face get very hot. In a dangerously quiet voice she asked, "How dare you presume to know the reasons behind the choices I make?"
"Everyone will know...it's pretty obvious."
"So what if it is...I don't care what people think. Now please get out of my way."
He stood his ground, and she even thought he straightened as if to make himself even more impassable. "I think you're making a mistake."
She kept her voice low and cold as she replied, "I don't care what you think. You're nothing. Now move aside."
He didn't reply, but he didn't move either. Feeling a rage unlike any she had ever known before, thinking his arrogance surpassed anything she had ever experienced from anyone else, she almost whispered, "If you don't get away from that portrait, I swear I'll slap you."
"You know I'm right, don't you? You know it...I can see it all over your face. You need to think about what you're doing."
"Don't tell me what I need...and don't speak to me again."
With that, she physically pushed past him and bit out the password to the wary Fat Lady, who thankfully didn't say anything. As she stepped through the portrait hole, she heard him say from behind her,
"Just think about it. Over Christmas...THINK about it."
She didn't even acknowledge that she had heard him, and practically ran up the stairs to her dorm. As she got into bed after a bit of small talk with her friends, she couldn't help thinking about it. She wasn't going to change her mind...he didn't know anything. No one knew what was best for her but herself...and she was on her own now. She needed to make her own decisions, and this was right for her.
To Be Continued in Chapter FourMore Fic by Emmyjean at
The Hidden Tower
www.hiddentower.50megs.com