TITLE: "Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanb@yahoo.com)
CLASSIFICATION: J/L
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.
DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I just wanted to apologize for how long this chapter took to get out there. I went through a lot of mental torment over it, and in the end decided (at Casca's urging) to cut a whole bunch off of the end and save it for the next chapter. The bad news is that it makes this chapter just a wee bit shorter than others (by a couple of pages). The good news is...the next chapter is already on it's way. :) Thanks to everyone who has been so patient with me, and happy reading.
This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.
Chapter Five: Exhaustion
Somewhere in her overly-optimistic brain, Lily had thought that the worst of the crushing emptiness she felt when she thought about her Mum and Dad would be over when Arabella, Helen, and everyone else came back from the Christmas holidays and life went back to being semi-normal. Over the following couple of days, not only did she find that she'd been wrong, but she also found that things seemed to only get worse.
She hadn't anticipated that class...that speaker. She hadn't anticipated that she would be provided with a clear idea of exactly what happened to her Mum and Dad that night...and the thought of it was making her life almost unbearable. Although she was trying her hardest not to think about it by throwing herself into her studies, she found that no matter what she did she couldn't escape or avoid that few moments everyone has to themselves just before they fall asleep. Seeing as how she invariably couldn't keep from thinking about green light when those minutes came, the few minutes began stretching to several minutes, and then to countless minutes, and then to hours. Before she knew it, she was prone to lying awake all night, beset upon by her thoughts and her quiet tears. This was when she was helpless to defend herself from every ache and every stab of loneliness that had been pushed away throughout the day. She couldn't even say she was really crying... more just letting everything run out of her. No sobs, no wailing...just her, the silence of the room, and her memories.
It usually ended with the sun slowly filling the room with orange light and her wearily getting up to shower and dress before heading to the common room to kill a couple of hours studying while she waited for everyone else to come down.
Because of the fact that she wasn't sleeping at night, or when she was she was only awakened by nightmares of her parents getting murdered, she was consistently weighed down by her complete exhaustion at other times during the day. Now, the lunch hour was always used to drag herself up to the dorms and fall, unconscious, into her bed. After the hour was up she would pry her eyelids open and trudge to class with the rest of the school, only by then they'd eaten lunch and she hadn't. She'd spend the afternoon starving until classes were over...at which point she would have to go to sleep again. At the very least, she could always count on poor Arabella to come in and shake her awake so that she could drag her down to dinner...which Lily wouldn't eat much of because she always felt ill. She could tell that her friends, and indeed many others, were worried sick about her...but she just couldn't straighten herself out.
"I've got to do something about this," she mumbled tiredly on Sunday evening as they were sitting in the Great Hall. She was staring at the fish on her plate, stabbing it over and over with her fork and waiting for any kind of hunger at all to kick in. It was futile, and she knew it...but she kept hoping.
"Lily," Helen said in a low, firm voice, "Just eat it. Shove it in...you can't go on like this! You'll waste away."
"I know," Lily agreed, sending her a pained look as Arabella reached across the table to fill her goblet.
"Here," she said quietly, "At least drink some juice."
Lily obeyed, feeling slightly encouraged that the cold pumpkin juice felt so good going down. After she'd drained the goblet, Helen said, "I still don't see why she can't just get a sleeping draught from Madam Pomfrey."
"Neither do I," Arabella chimed in, her eyes boring into Lily's. Lily simply shook her head again and replied,
"I've told you. I just can't...she'd have to keep me there for a couple days, and I can't afford that. I have N.E.W.Ts coming up, my head girl duties, and now this class..."
"Sod all that!" Bella said vehemently, "You have to think about your health! I'll tell you, the N.E.W.Ts aren't going to matter much if you kill yourself."
Lily sighed heavily as she roughly crammed a forkful of rice into her mouth...it tasted like ash. "You don't think I want to be normal again, Bella? I lie in bed at night praying to fall asleep for just a couple hours! I look at the food in front of me and wish I could just feel hungry enough to eat a few measley bites! This is not normal...I know it isn't."
"Alright..." Bella held up her hands in front of her, but Lily went on,
"I feel like I'm being pulled apart, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't be out of commission for two days...people are counting on me. Besides, if you think that I could bear lying in that hospital wing by myself for any amount of time..."
"Okay, okay," Helen interjected, "You're right...the hospital is out. But...well, at least promise you won't let yourself get really sick."
Lily took a breath and agreed, "Alright...I promise. If it gets to be..."
She trailed off, searching for the right words...it felt like her brain was working at half it's normal speed. Arabella took advantage of the momentary pause to point out grumpily, "If it gets to be? It IS 'to be'."
Helen glanced at her and smiled, then looked back at Lily and shook her head. Lily couldn't help smiling as well, despite her rotten mood, and countered, "I can stand more than this. If it gets to be bad enough that I can't stand it anymore and I don't think it'll just improve with time, I'll go to the nurse. Alright?"
Both her friends nodded reluctantly, no doubt feeling as though they'd only half-won.
~~
The following day was Monday, and Lily spent it dreading going back into that classroom. She had thought she'd had a good idea of what to expect before they'd attended the first one, but now she simply had no earthly idea what was in store. That night, as she sat in amongst the students and aurors that had returned for the second class, she felt her inhibitions drain away slightly as she listened to everyone. At the beginning of class, Dumbledore had invited them to ask him any and all questions they might have, or to voice any concerns that he might be able to assuage...or at least put in a less-grim perspective. For some reason, Lily still felt a bit hesitant to participate...but it certainly wasn't for lack of interest. Although still nursing her consistent headache, she felt more awake than she had all weekend.
"But if the Minister of Magic himself approved of all this," asked Hufflepuff Marlene McKinnon, her brows furrowed in concentration, "Then why would any of the aurors or apprentices that were here on Friday be afraid to return?"
Dumbledore sighed and replied wearily, "Sometimes it is not only reproof that people fear. They could have been put off by the intensity of the first night, or they might feel that there is a better road for them somewhere else. The latter of which, I might add, is a perfectly sound reason for deciding against continuing."
"Yes, it would be...except that to think there is any better preparation than this is complete bollocks," Tim Connelly put in sardonically, and everyone including Dumbledore chuckled.
"You have quite an inordinate amount of faith in the effectiveness of a course you have only attended twice so far, Mr. Connelly."
Tim shrugged and replied, "That's because you've organized it, sir."
Dumbledore grew serious again and went on, "The truth is that while this class in and of itself may not be considered 'dangerous'...it will be training you to face peril that goes beyond anything you've ever seen before...and here I'm addressing the aurors. As for the students, you must come to the realization that the class is a bit too advanced for you...but you must rise to the challenge if you want to take something away from the experience. Many who are absent from our number tonight may have decided that it is simply too early to be going to such extremes."
"So in other words," came a voice from the back, and Lily turned to find that it belonged to Sirius Black, "It all comes down to whether or not the people who were here on Friday night considered that Muggle's story dire enough to warrant immediate action."
Dumbledore didn't reply, but his blue eyes answered Black's question very clearly. Lily felt as though she'd suddenly been submerged in something vile, and her stomach sank at the feel of it. He was right...the people who had not returned had obviously not thought the incident with the destroyed village was serious enough. They apparently felt that the Ministry was overreacting to the situation. On the heels of this realization came another hateful thought...but even as she thought it, she heard it being said aloud.
"If the man had been a wizard, and the town magical...it would have been different."
It was spoken as a statement of fact rather than a question. Lily glanced over at James Potter...he was leaning almost casually back in his seat, brushing his quill along his chin pensively. He looked completely calm, but as he looked at Dumbledore she could see his eyes radiating intellegence and shrewdness...and anger. After a beat, he finished, "Wouldn't it?"
Also spoken as though he'd mentally ended the phrase with a period rather than a question mark. Dumbledore raised his chin and looked at James through his glasses. "You seem to know the answer to your question already, Mr. Potter."
"Is he wrong, though?" This from an auror in training, her tone flat with resignation.
Dumbledore looked at her, and then back at James...who had now leaned forward over his desk and was looking the headmaster straight in the eye. Dumbledore sighed again and replied, "I cannot say with any assurance that he is absolutely correct...but neither can I deny that your conclusion, Mr. Potter, is not very far from the one I came to upon walking into this room. Before that, in fact...from the moment I contacted our speaker, I knew that some would have exactly the reaction you describe."
"But it won't remain confined to the Muggle world."
Lily was shocked to hear the words coming quietly from her own mouth...it was as though her own voice had surprised her. She felt everyone's eyes on her, and whether it was her imagination or not, it made her feel suddenly as though she wanted to shrink to the size of the ink cap sitting on her desk. She cast her eyes down to stare at her hands, resting in her lap, and then after another moment passed, she looked up and found Dumbledore looking at her. He shook his head and agreed,
"No, it will not...however, some people choose not to react to anything until it affects them directly."
She wondered briefly if that's what all the others thought of her...if they thought that this was her motive for coming at all, because she'd had her life profoundly affected by all this. Even though she knew perfectly well that this was not Dumbledore's meaning, she couldn't help feeling uncomfortable.
"Now," Dumbledore said, standing up, and Lily glanced surprisedly at her watch. It was already almost nine-thirty...they'd been in there for two and a half hours. It had seemed like a few minutes. "This evening has, I hope, cleared up some of your more pressing questions. You are always welcome to voice any future concerns you might have, no matter what is on the agenda each night, or to come to me personally. Until Wednesday evening, then, when I hope to see you all back again. There is...a project I will be assigning to the students among us, and you will receive the information concerning that next time."
They stood up and moved towards the door, but before Lily could leave she heard Dumbledore calling her back.
"Miss Evans...may I have a moment, please?"
She glanced at Bella, who said quietly, "I'll wait outside."
Lily nodded and then walked a bit hesitantly back to Dumbledore's desk, where he stood gathering his things. At her approach he straightened and turned to face her, his eyes kind as they roamed her face. She didn't know what he was looking for or what he expected to find in her expression, but she had a strange desire to keep it as blank as she could. She wasn't comfortable with the idea of anyone reading her thoughts...even Dumbledore.
"Lily," he said quietly, and she was a bit surprised at his use of her first name, "I've spent the past week thinking about the first class, and what happened there...I wanted to apologize to you."
She started, then frowned up at him as she repeated, "Apologize to me?"
"Yes," he replied solemnly, "I asked that speaker to come here that night so that those in the class who weren't sure they wanted to be here, or who weren't going to be taking things as seriously as they should, would be shocked into realization. During his speech, however, I happened to glance in your direction...and the look on your face made me feel that it was callous of me to fail to warn you."
"Sir," she interrupted, "You don't have to give me special treatment..."
"You are serious about this," he went on, not allowing the interruption, "And I knew that before I even asked you to participate. You didn't need to hear what that man had to say in order to understand what has been happening, and I should have given you an exemption. I apologize...it was remiss of me."
She inhaled slowly and cast her eyes to the top of his desk, her mind sinking into deep thought. Would she have wanted an exemption? That man's words had certainly tortured her since she'd heard them...would she have been better off if she hadn't been there? Suddenly something stirred within her, and she raised her eyes again to the headmaster's face.
"I appreciate the thought, Professor," she said, her voice soft but clear, "But if you had given me the option of missing the first class, I would have come anyway. I...I don't want to stand out like that."
She didn't quite know how to explain to him what she was feeling, and paused...but he nodded before she could open her mouth again, his eyes smiling at her. "I knew you would say that. I didn't expect anything less. Nevertheless...I'll give you fair warning if I am planning anything of that sort again. I will always leave it up to you...but in the future, you will always have the option. No one will think any less of you."
She nodded gratefully and walked toward the door...Bella was waiting for her, as promised. They walked in silence back to the tower, and Lily couldn't help thinking that in some ways, Dumbledore was wrong. People would think less of her. Perhaps not in the way he meant it, but they would think her delicate...weak. They would think she couldn't handle it...and she would rather run away from school than have people think that she was beaten.
She continued to reflect on this as she lay in bed that night waiting for sleep to come, and then later, as she sat in the common room catching up on her work until faint pink sunlight began to illuminate the hangings on the windows, marking the beginning of another endless day.
~~
Lily walked distractedly out of Charms class, barely able to hold herself up. Instead of turning toward the Great Hall with everyone else, she called to Arabella, "I'm going back to the Tower for a bit, alright? I'll see you in Transfiguration."
Arabella looked at her, at a rare loss as to what to do, and nodded in resignation that if Lily wasn't sleeping at night then it was bound to catch up with her sometime. Feeling just slightly guilty but not enough so that she thought she needed to make any apologies, she turned and trudged the rest of the way back to the dorms. Once there, she dropped her books on her nighttable and crawled wearily into her bed. The mattress seemed to envelop her the moment she made contact with it, and suddenly she couldn't imagine getting up again in a mere hour. Setting her clock nevertheless, she closed her eyes and immediately fell into a deep slumber.
What seemed like two seconds later, the clock began to ring. Snapping her eyes open, she reached out and turned it off...and contemplated going back to sleep. Sighing eventually, she sat up like she always did...and noted that her head felt as though it was filled with sand. Like it always did.
Pulling her shoes back on, she grabbed her bag and literally ran through the corridors to Defense class. She arrived there just as the professor was walking into the room, and quickly found her seat beside Arabella. Neither one of them spoke, but she could practically feel Arabella bursting to say something to her...only she wouldn't dare. She'd already hounded her about her health to the point where Lily didn't even respond when she spoke to her about it...and so Bella seemed to have dropped it for the time being. Still, Lily didn't need to hear it come from Bella's mouth...she could feel the rebuke radiating off of her.
She didn't care. She couldn't help it. Letting her shoulders slump just a little and rubbing her eyes with one hand, she opened her bag and took out her book...and realized that it was the wrong one. She could do nothing but stare at the cover for a moment, and the reached back into her bag to feel around even though she knew there wasn't anything else in there. Slowly withdrawing her hands from the desk, she clasped them so tightly in her lap she thought her fingers might break. Her brow knitted, she glanced around at the other students in the class, all with the correct book in front of them. Biting her lip, she cast her eyes downward and fought the urge to just leave.
She wasn't one to do things like this. She never used to forget things...to fall behind. Her eyes began to sting a little, and she fervently wished that she could have the last ten minutes back...that she could be back in the dorm and remember to change books. Such a stupid, little thing.
She barely noticed the book sliding towards her until it was already there...and she looked up at Arabella's face. Her friend was regarding her with a muted combination of sympathy and worry, but at the moment Lily couldn't fault her for either. All she could feel was gratitude.
"Thanks," she whispered, sending her a small smile, and Bella nodded once and replied,
"Don't mention it. Right?"
Tired as she was, Lily did not fail to catch the double meaning...and nothing more was said between them for the rest of the class period as they shared Arabella's book.
~~
Lily took her seat and looked around at her assigned group. Tim Connelly, who smiled at her as he lowered himself into the seat across from her...and Sirius Black, who didn't smile or look at them but rather stared a bit vacantly towards the front of the room, a distracted frown on his face. Lily followed his gaze with mild curiosity, but there didn't seem to be anything of interest to be seen...just Dumbledore, standing in front of his desk and patiently waiting until everyone was settled and in the right group.
"I wonder what this is all about," Tim wondered aloud, raising his eyebrows at Lily. Lily merely shook her head in response and gave a slight shrug of her shoulders. She too was at a loss. Before long, the headmaster relieved the growing tension in the room by holding his hands up and beginning,
"As I explained at the beginning, one of the aims of this course has always been to incorporate as many disciplines as possible into your training. A common misconception about the auror's profession is that the only subject relevant to his or her day to day practise is defense. In truth, an auror must master most if not all magical subjects in order to perform effectively. I also warned you that the class would be more difficult than anything you've done in your regular lessons. The project that I'm about to assign you is undeniably advanced...this is why I've put you in groups of three. I expect each group to work as a team, to balance each other, and to support each other. What I'm asking you to do is to make a potion...it will take a full moon cycle to complete, and everything must be done exactly as is instructed or you will fail."
As he said this, a long sheet of parchment appeared on each of their tables...no one dared touch them, but it was clear what they were. A list of ingredients, and instructions for making the potion. Lily waited for him to say what they were making, but he didn't. Instead, he smiled slightly and finished,
"The good news is that this weekend is a Hogsmeade weekend, and it will give you ample opportunity to acquire the ingredients which can be purchased. Some of the others will require you to search on your own...in the forest, on the grounds. I assure you that everything on the list can be found at Hogwarts if you look carefully enough. Now...I'd like you to take the rest of the time to get to know the members of your group, and to arrange meeting times. Once you've done this, you are all free to go."
With that, he stood up and went over to the other side of the classroom, where the aurors-in-training were waiting. They weren't doing the same project as the students, and so the class had to be split temporarily. Lily suspected that everything would be back to normal next time...she had a feeling they weren't going to be allowed to work on this potion during classtime.
"Did I miss something?" Tim asked, frowning at the parchment in front of them, "I didn't hear exactly what it is we're making."
"You didn't miss anything," Sirius replied flatly, reaching out and snatching the recipie, "He didn't say it."
"Well, how are we supposed to make something if we don't even know what we're making?"
Lily shook her head and replied quietly, "It doesn't matter whether we know or not...as long as we follow the instructions, we should be alright."
"These are detailed," Sirius said, frowning at the paper and leaning forward with his elbows on the table, "The instructions are very complete. It says what the potion should look and smell like after every step."
"So when can we get the ingredients? We'll have to see when everyone else is going to Hogsmeade..."
"I don't see why we should have to go together to buy these," Sirius interrupted her, shrugging and leaning back once again in his chair, "Why break our necks trying to come up with a convenient time for everyone? We can just divide the list."
Lily immediately felt her reason resist this idea, and she started to get a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. This was the beginning of what was undoubtedly going to be a very long month. "I don't know if that's such a good idea...maybe we should just go together."
Sirius didn't react nearly as violently as she would have expected...there were no heaving sighs, no rolling of the eyes. He simply turned his head and looked at her...idly, it seemed at first, but as she returned his gaze she realized he was silently studying her. All he said in response was,
"Why?"
She shrugged and opened her mouth to explain when Tim cut in...a bit hastily, as though he was trying to prevent a row. "No...no, it'll be alright, Lily. We'll divide the list evenly, and then there'll be no mistakes."
She still didn't like it, but as she glanced back at Black, she found him still staring pensively at her with that same blank expression. It was almost as though he was waiting for her to say something. She let out a light breath and nodded mutely, almost imperceptibly...she just didn't have it in her to argue about it.
The class was over soon after that, and she and Arabella took the long way back to Gryffindor tower so that they could talk about everything.
"What do you suppose it is?" Bella wondered aloud, her brows furrowed. She was referring to the potion they were making. Lily shook her head in response and said,
"I can't even guess. I suppose Dumbledore must think that if he told us what it was, it would be somehow detrimental."
"I was thinking the same thing," Arabella nodded, "That he might think we'd be discouraged...but that means it must be something really advanced."
Lily agreed and pointed out, "Right, but that's why he put us in groups I suppose."
"Oh, speaking of which...I can't believe you're with Black."
Shrugging, Lily replied, "Why? It's nothing, really."
"Yeah, but you haven't even started working yet," Arabella retorted, her tone speaking volumes about her opinion of the entire situation. She didn't even have to elaborate.
"Bella, I'm sure it'll be fine...whatever else you might say about him, he's a good student. He gets excellent marks."
"Really?" she replied unenthusiastically.
"Yes, really. He's in the class with us, isn't he? Look, just relax...everything doesn't have to be a conflict, does it?"
Bella glanced sideways at her, and Lily checked herself...she knew how she'd sounded. It was becoming harder and harder to hide her fatigue, to pretend she wasn't completely worn out. She also knew, however, that she must...if she couldn't, then Arabella was going to start up again with the pressure to go to the hospital wing. Lily knew she was already on thin ice because of the incident in class, when she'd almost started to weep because she'd forgotten her book. Sighing, she added,
"Besides, it doesn't look like I'm going to have to work with him any more than is absolutely necessary...he wants us to divide the tasks."
"What do you mean?"
"So we don't have to make a big plan to go together..."
"Oh, wonderful," Bella cut in softly, blowing out a short laugh.
Lily refrained from responding, and Bella seemed to sense that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. They walked the rest of the way back to the common room in comfortable silence, at which point they both went to bed. Arabella fell asleep almost immediately...Lily could tell by the way she was breathing. Inevitably, about an hour later, Lily stood up and walked downstairs to another night of catching up on her studies.
~~
A week later, Lily sat staring at her parchment, willing something eloquent to come to her mind. She felt as like she was coming down with a case of cold feet and couldn't believe how ridiculous that sounded, even in her own head.
After all, how could something as simple as writing a letter to her own sister be so difficult?
It was, though...it was one of the biggest challenges she'd faced all year. Perhaps it was even more challenging than most of the things she'd ever done. What was she supposed to write to Petunia...Petunia, who hadn't even written straight away to tell her their mother and father had been killed? Who had made no attempt to contact her since? Who hadn't responded to the last letter she'd written? Should she even be attempting this at all?
Sighing, she glanced at her watch...it was nearly four in the morning. Lily set down her quill and leaned back in her chair, turning her head to stare almost unseeingly out the window into the darkness. Sometimes, as she sat here in the common room, she felt a sensation much like the one she used to feel when she was a girl, in her bedroom. On cold nights like this, she used to sit up in bed and press her face to the windowpane, letting its iciness shock her cheek and drive the sleepiness away. Her breath would frost the glass, and she would gaze down her street. She used to marvel at the idea that something so familiar to her could be made slightly sinister by the night.
It had been comforting to know that in the warmth of her bedroom, with Petunia in the bed across the room and her parents sitting downstairs, nothing could happen to her. There was something safe about being at home...a haven where no one could hurt you. The thought used to lull her to sleep.
Now, as she sat on the plush crimson cushion covering the window seat, staring out onto the moonlit grounds of Hogwarts...she was able to feel a tiny flutter of that feeling within her. Still...it was faint indeed compared to all that she remembered it being.
And she knew it wouldn't lull her to sleep. Not this time.
Sighing softly, she ran her hand through her tangled hair and then yanked it back and tied it away from her face. She leaned forward and dipped her quill in the ink bottle...purple ink. It had always been Petunia's favorite color...childish as it was, Lily couldn't help thinking that perhaps something that small would break through the shell of resentment her sister had been nurturing for all these years. Maybe it would remind her of the days when Lily would sit on her bed and envy the lavendar dress Petunia had gotten to wear on Easter Sunday...Lily had always been saddled with green, to match her eyes. Maybe it would remind her...that they were still sisters.
She set the quill to the parchment and forced herself to begin writing whatever came into her mind, no matter what it was. At least then she'd be accomplishing something, and it would be honest and not contrived. Her hands slowed as she folded up the parchment...she'd intended on taking it to the owlery first thing in the morning, but perhaps that wasn't such a good idea. In this case, at this particular moment in time...perhaps it would be better if she just used the regular post. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registered a certain amount of surprise that she didn't feel much bitterness or sadness at that thought. Only a kind of numbness. It didn't worry her much as she rose from her chair, however...she knew that her emotions went up and down concerning her relationship with her sister. One day she would be enjoying a calm acceptance of the fact that they were practically strangers, and other days she would feel her heart break all over again in utter rejection of the idea that things would never be the way they used to be.
She was about to go up the stairs when suddenly she stopped. Turning toward the portrait hole, she remembered that they were supposed to add some ingredients to the potion that morning. Taking a breath and heading out, she thought she might as well do it now and save Sirius Black the trouble of waking up early to do it...after all, it wasn't as though she was relishing going up to her bed and lying down.
Grabbing her cloak for protection against the dank corridors, she made her way down to the dungeon.
The next day in class, Lily stared down at the potion, her brows furrowed as she tried vainly to comprehend exactly what she was seeing. According to their instructions, the potion should have been odorless and a periwinkle blueish color by now. Theirs was nothing of the sort...it was slate gray, and smelled like boiled cabbage. Tim gingerly dipped his wand into it and stirred a bit, frowning and shaking his head.
"I just don't understand," he murmured, mostly to himself, "We did everything right...what happened?"
Sirius shrugged, his face mild but his eyes betraying his frustration as he leaned back against the table behind him. "Obviously we did something wrong."
"When was the last time you did anything to it? The potion, I mean?" Tim asked them.
Sirius pushed himself off of the desk and leaned over the cauldron as he replied, "I haven't touched it since yesterday...I added those leeks. Besides that, I haven't even been near the thing."
It took a moment for his words to register in Lily's head. When they finally did, a pang hit her chest and she looked up with wide eyes. "Yesterday? You...you added the leeks?"
Sirius nodded, not looking at her as he continued to unneccesarily stir the remains of their ruined potion, and Lily let her eyes slide shut. She didn't say anything else until Tim asked her what was wrong, and then she softly expelled a breath and almost whispered, "I added the leeks."
There was a pause, and then Tim said matter-of-factly, "No, Black did. It was his turn, remember?"
Lily shook her head and replied, "I know it was, but...I did it myself. It was about four in the morning, and I couldn't sleep..."
She opened her eyes and focused on Sirius Black, who was staring at her. Then she finished, defeated, "I'm sorry. I just thought...I thought I was saving you some work."
A horrible silence followed, broken only by the sporadic glugs of the potion which was supposed to have been completely still. Lily wanted to quit...she sincerely thought about it for a moment. She wanted to just sink through the floor, or shrink, or anything that would take her away from their confused gazes. At last, Tim cleared his throat and said, in a tone that was just slightly harder than usual,
"You didn't think to leave a note or...or something?"
Lily looked helplessly over at him, feeling incomprehensibly stupid and slow. Of course she should have left a note...any daft idiot would have thought of that. However, at the time, it hadn't even entered her mind. "I...I don't know, I guess it just slipped my mind. I only meant to get the step done early...I didn't think anyone else would touch it until..."
"Until when? It would have had to have been before now," Tim interrupted, leaning away from her slightly and shaking his head, "I mean, if you realized you'd forgotten to leave a note, why didn't you just let one of us know at breakfast the next morning?"
Lily shook her head helplessly, but nevertheless tried to offer up some kind of defense, "I wasn't at breakfast that morning, I...I slept late."
"But you were in class that morning, weren't you? Don't you have class with Black?" Tim countered, and Lily saw suddenly that there was no excuse. Unable to bear Tim's condemnation any longer and shrinking imperceptibly away from the way he was looking at her, she turned her gaze to Sirius and was surprised to find that he didn't even seem to be paying attention to the conversation. There was a brief silence, and then suddenly Sirius spoke.
"Yeah, she could have left a note," he said, grabbing the cauldron and heaving it off the table. Setting it down behind them with a loud thud, he then lifted an empty one onto the table. "But I could have at least looked at it before I added anything."
Tim narrowed his eyes a bit at Sirius and protested mildly, "Well...yeah, but you wouldn't have known to look..."
"It's done. It's both of our faults," Sirius interrupted flatly.
"It's a fault of your group dynamic, I would say."
At this, they all turned to find Dumbledore standing beside the ruined potion, gazing critically down at it through the glasses perched on his nose. He then regarded them with solemn blue eyes and went on, "I know I explained at the beginning that this was meant to be a team effort. If you're dividing the work, you've already failed."
They remained silent, unsure of how exactly to reply to this. Seeing their hesitation, Dumbledore continued quietly so no one else could overhear, "You are to begin again. I will give the three of you special permission to make the trip to Hogsmeade to buy more ingredients...together. If you cannot bring yourselves to work as a group, then you may stand and leave this room."
They nodded, and although she didn't know what the other two felt, she knew that she was miserable. None of them said much to each other for the rest of the class...there wasn't anything to do, as their potion was beyond help. They merely sat in silence, each contemplating the folly of their former way of doing things, and then when class finally ended, they decided to go to Hogsmeade at one o'clock Saturday afternoon. Lily trudged back to Gryffindor Tower in silence, thinking that perhaps this would be one of the nights when she could actually go to sleep...if only to escape the world.
~~
"Something wrong, Miss Evans?"
Professor Flitwick's gentle voice snapped her out of her reverie. She smiled, embarrassed at having lost herself like that, and replied, "No...it's nothing, Professor. Sorry."
Flitwick nodded, but his eyes fell upon the book she was holding and he inquired, "Interested in the auror's profession, are you?"
Lily hesitated, but something in Flitwick's kind eyes was extremely familiar and comforting, and she suddenly felt she could surely talk to him about this. "I was...you know, since what happened to my...my parents. I'm in Dumbledore's class."
Flitwick nodded slowly and murmured, "Of course...of course you are."
He didn't look away in pity or offer condolences she didn't need. Instead, his entire demeanor encouraged her to continue.
"But," she went on, looking once again wistfully at the book, "I starting to wonder if I have it in me."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I feel like I...I'm having a hard time. I don't know..."
"You know, Miss Evans," Flitwick commented, moving to take the book from her and flip through its pages, "There are many paths you can take to help in the fight against the dark forces."
"What do you mean, sir?" she asked, frowning.
He handed her back her book and looked her in the eyes, and she found that his were bright with confidence...in her. "You must play to your strengths, Lily. It's what choosing a path in life is about. There are many different kinds of aurors...many different specialties."
Lily stared at him for a moment as his face turned up in a small smile. She smiled back and asked, "Sir, do you think there's any call for something like...charm work in the field?"
Flitwick's smile grew as he nodded and replied, "I happen to know for a fact that there most certainly is, Miss Evans."
Lily could barely contain her excitement as she thanked him and hurried off in the direction of the library. Of course there would be charms specialists working in the war...it only made sense. She may not be in top form at the moment, but she knew what she was good at, and she was good at charms. Exceptional, in fact. Now that she had the idea planted in her mind, she couldn't wait to read all she could about it. As she rounded the next corner, however, she heard some sort of drama taking place in the corridor ahead of her. As she got closer, she heard something that made her blood run cold and her feet stop moving.
"Poor little Mudbloods," came a male voice, "So clumsy, aren't they?" This was followed by what sounded like two boys laughing...and one girl wimpering. As she got closer, Lily could see what the problem was...two older Slytherin boys were tormenting a younger Hufflepuff girl. Her bag was hanging from her shoulder, torn, and her things were all over the cold stone floor. As she tried frantically to gather them up, the boys kept using their wands to move things out of her reach. Lily suddenly felt herself become sick to her stomach, and all at once she forgot about the library, forgot about her vow to hand in her badge...forgot about everything but dealing with what was happening in front of her. Stepping out from the shadows, she pulled out her own wand and said clearly,
"Expelliarmus."
The boys' wands flew out of their grasps before they even knew what was happening, and Lily caught them in her hand. As they stared at her in confusion, she slowly walked further into view. She kept her expression completely blank, as she was too angry to even frown. What she felt at the moment wasn't a burning rage...it was more like disgust, and it was like a cold lump of metal in her stomach.
"You've just bought yourselves your passage out of here. You won't be getting these back, and I'd advise you to start packing tonight," she said calmly as she approached, and watched their faces contort into ugly expressions of hatred.
"You can't expel us...you don't have the power," one of them spat at her. She merely raised an eyebrow and replied,
"I can't. The Headmaster certainly can, though, and believe me...he will. As it is, I'm taking fifty points away from Slytherin."
The two boys stared in shock as she turned away to face the distraught Hufflepuff girl, whose glasses were falling off her nose. Her tears had made it slippery, Lily realized as her heart was assaulted with a firm tug of sympathy. Suddenly one of the boys, who were still standing there, said,
"It doesn't matter what you do...not in the long run. You're just a Mudblood with a badge, and that's not worth much."
Lily felt the bile rise in her throat, but knew she couldn't lose control in front of these two worthless bigots. She had to be unyielding...not only for them, but mostly for the little girl standing there watching this whole thing. Turning, she replied mildly although her eyes were burning with resolve,
"Now it's one hundred points from Slytherin. You can keep talking and put your house in the negative, or you can turn around and get out of my sight. It's your choice, of course."
Apparently deciding the first option was the less desirable of the two, they spun in enraged silence and stalked away toward their dorm. Lily turned to face the girl, who was now standing stock-still, and smiled.
"Here...let's get all this stuff off the floor." She knelt on the ground and began to help the girl gather her things. Her ink had broken, of course, and half of her books were soaked in blue. Lily performed the necessary charms to get them clean, and meanwhile decided the girl could use a talk.
"I don't think I know your name," she ventured gently, and the girl looked up in surprise.
"Ingrid Powers."
Lily smiled warmly at her and replied, "I'm Lily Evans."
Ingrid returned her smile slightly, and said, "I know. You're Head Girl, right?"
As she looked into the girl's weepy brown eyes, she suddenly realized that the duties of a Head Girl weren't important within the walls of Hogwarts alone. She was suddenly aware of the weight of her badge pressing on her hip from where it rested in her pocket...she suddenly felt good that she could make a difference in the only way available to her.
"Yeah...I am," she answered Ingrid's question, and went on, "And there's something I want to tell you. It's really important, okay?" The girl nodded, and Lily asked, "How old are you, Ingrid?"
"Eleven," she replied meekly, and Lily scooted a bit closer to her as she went on.
"You have six and a half years left to go at Hogwarts...and I want you to promise me something."
Ingrid nodded again, and Lily said, "Don't ever let anyone tell you you're not as good as anyone else who goes to this school, understand? It's not true...and I want you to remember that."
The girl nodded, but cast her eyes to the floor. Lily put a hand on her shoulder and asked softly, "What?"
Ingrid shrugged, apparently not sure whether she wanted to tell Lily what she was thinking. When she finally looked up and gazed into Lily's understanding eyes, however, she shrugged and replied almost inaudibly, "Sometimes it's hard to stand up to people when you're alone."
Lily felt her heart constrict...this girl was more like her than she had realized, and she felt every bit if her fear and insecurity very profoundly. This girl was looking to her for some sort of answer to her problems, and it was something Lily couldn't give her...she didn't have all the answers, especially not now. What she could give her was encouragement. She leaned in a bit closer to Ingrid and said very sincerely, "Ingrid...no one is alone. That's something else you need to remember, no matter what."
After a moment of taking in Lily's words, Ingrid visibly relaxed, and Lily stood up and handed her her now repaired and filled bag. As Ingrid took it, Lily added, "Listen...if you ever need to talk to someone, you come to me. Anytime you need anything. You remind me a lot of myself when I was a first-year, and I'll bet we share a lot of the same experiences."
This seemed to cheer her up immensely, and she thanked Lily and practically skipped away. Lily watched her walk away down the corridor, and wondered if she would truly come to her for help if she needed it. She decided that sometime in the near future, she'd check up on Ingrid Powers. Shaking her head and trying to think of a time the next day when she would be able to report the incident to Dumbledore, she continued the rest of the way to the Tower.
That night, she had another dream.
This dream had been worse than any she had experienced since her parents had been killed. This time, she hadn't dreamt about their deaths...she had dreamt about their life. Their life together, back when she was young. In her dream, she and her sister were best friends, her mother made dinner, and her father was sitting on the porch reading the newspaper. She and Petunia were playing music and pretending to be getting married to two princes. They laughed as they twirled each other around in their best dresses, wearing their mother's jewelry. Their dog, Jack, was bounding about in the yard chasing squirrels, and their father was laughing at him. The entire house rang with laughter.
She woke feeling as though she were being smothered. She sat up in a panic, and glanced frantically around the darkened room...Arabella and Helen were asleep. She put a hand to her chest and clutched the front of her nightdress in a deathgrip, squeezing her eyes shut. She tried with all her might to get her breathing regulated but found it was only getting worse...she was sobbing uncontrollably now. Desperate not to wake her friends and cause a scene, she threw off her covers and padded as silently as she could out of the dorm. She didn't bother with her robe or her slippers...all she wanted to do was escape.
She could still smell the smoke from Dad's pipe and Mum's cloved ham baking in the oven as she ran down the stone steps...and it was more than she could stand. She finally got into the common room and sank down to the carpeted floor in front of the fire. A sob wrenched her chest, and she put a hand to her face as her eyes welled up and tears spilled relentlessly over her lids. She couldn't have held it in even if she had wanted to, and she thought maybe she would drown in the sorrow. Her ribcage would collapse under the pressure and pierce right through her aching heart. She sat like that for what seemed to be hours, and the sobbing wouldn't subside. Her stomach began to hurt with the strain of it.
Suddenly, she heard something behind her. Her eyes flew open as she recognized the sound of the portrait hole sliding open. Lily felt her heart drop to her knees as she heard hushed male voices fill the room...and recognized them. It was James Potter and his friends, and they were obviously sneaking back in from somewhere. They didn't see her right away, and Lily felt the insane urge to crawl behind something to hide, but a second later Remus Lupin turned his head slightly and caught sight of her. His smile faded and he went stock still. The others noticed, and before they could turn around to see what he was staring at, Lily averted her face back to the fire. She still couldn't completely control her sobbing, however, and it was made even worse by the fact that she had never been so mortified in her life. She almost didn't care how horrible she looked, and wished they would simply go away.
The room was now shrouded in absolute silence, and the only things that could be heard were the crackling of the fire and Lily's repressed sobs. Not soon enough, Lily heard their footsteps retreating up the stairs, and knew she was once again alone. She gave a pathetic whimper and covered her face with her hands once again. She didn't want to think about how she would face them again. She didn't want to think about anything...she just wanted the pain to be gone.
After a few moments passed, she became suddenly aware of a presence behind her...she wasn't alone, as she had thought. She knew without even turning around that it was him...it was James. Silently wishing him away, she heard him step closer to where she was sitting on the floor. She didn't turn around. She didn't know why he hadn't gone up with the rest of them, and she prayed as she never had before that he wouldn't speak to her. He simply stood there for a moment longer, apparently unsure of what he should do...but he didn't say a word.
After awhile, just when she was beginning to think he was going to turn and leave, she instead felt him lower himself slowly to one knee on the floor next to her and jumped slightly as his hand came to rest gently on her back. The contact was hesitant and unsure of its welcome, but the mere feel of a comforting touch made the sobs grow worse. It was as if the dam keeping her emotions in check had been springing holes for the past month, and now it had simply crumbled completely. She heaved a shuddering sigh, and felt his hand slide up to grip her opposite shoulder. He had practically put his arm around her, and she leaned back instinctively as she felt the warm, strong pressure across her shoulders. He pulled a bit, tentatively urging her closer, and before she could think about anything she was crying into his sweater. This seemed to erase all traces of uncertainty from his mind, and before long his other arm had come up to enclose her in an embrace.
She didn't think about anything, but merely poured all her angst and sorrow out into the stillness of the room, encouraged by the warm body from which she was now drawing strength. She didn't care who she was leaning on, or why. All she knew was that she just didn't want to be alone. Anything was better than feeling so completely and utterly alone. He had shifted to a sitting position, and was holding her loosely while she cried. His hands stroked her back and smoothed her hair, and he didn't say a single word. It seemed to Lily that they sat there like that for hours and hours, until finally her weeping subsided and she merely rested her head weakly on his shoulder as she stared, exhausted, into the fire.
After awhile, she could feel fatigue begin to overtake her and mumbled almost to herself, "I need to go to bed."
Without asking questions, he gently stood and helped her to her feet. She felt like a ragdoll as her legs protested having to rise, but somewhere in the back of her mind she marvelled at his strength – he was practially holding her up with almost no effort at all. She recalled vaguely that she was wearing only a nightdress, but she couldn't bring herself to care at this point. He removed his arm from around her shoulders as they walked toward the staircase, but he kept his hand on her back as they climbed to the dorms. She didn't look at him...she hadn't looked him in the face at all since she'd heard him come into the room, and she didn't plan on doing so. Before opening the door, she murmured automatically,
"Goodnight."
He didn't respond, and without waiting for an answer, she turned and walked slowly back to her bed. There she collapsed and fell into a blessedly dreamless sleep.
To Be Continued in Chapter Six
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