TITLE: "Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanbyahoo.com)
CLASSIFICATION: J/L
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.
DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.
Chapter Six: Losing ControlWhen Lily awoke the next morning, her head was pounding. She brought a hand up to her face and blinked at the sunlight streaming through the window...something wasn't right. Glancing at the bed to her left, she realized that Arabella wasn't there, and neither was Helen. Sitting up and upsetting her headache even further, she blinked at the clock on her bedside table – it was nearly ten o'clock. She was missing her first two lessons. Just as she was about to throw the covers off and wonder aloud why she hadn't woken up at seven as usual, she was hit with the realization that she had a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach about leaving her dorm...and then she remembered why.
A wave of shame hit her so hard that she unconsciously leaned back again on her pillows as her mouth dropped open in horror. She suddenly recalled the night before with vivid clarity as the fog of sleepiness lifted from her brain, and she had the insane urge to crawl under her covers and refuse to come out. Covering her face with her hands, she wished that they could protect her from the images assaulting her mind.
She had lost control after that stupid dream, and James Potter had seen it. Not only had he seen it...he'd participated in it. For the first time in her life, Lily actually felt sorry for James...he must have been at a complete loss as to what to do with her. He had tried to help, and she showed her thanks by literally hanging on him. She brought her hands down from her face and swallowed at the lump in her throat. Why couldn't he have just left her alone? Why couldn't he have just minded his own business?
Not only had he seen it, but the rest of his friends had seen it as well. She rubbed her eyes, thinking that the whole school probably knew about it by now. How was she to face a classroom full of people, all who were quite aware of her breakdown? What were they saying? Were they laughing at her, or worse...did they pity her? Sitting up at the nausea that threatened to overcome her at the thought, she silently cursed Potter and his friends. Where had they been, anyway, that they were coming through the portrait hole at all hours of the night? She wasn't even sure what time it had been, or how long she had sat down there weeping on James Potter's shoulder. The sick feeling worsened, as did her headache, and so she ran her fingers roughly through her tangled mess of hair as she got slowly out of bed.
Staring around the empty room, feeling distinctly out of place as she was supposed to have been in Herbology, she tried to come up with a reasonable solution...and panicked at the realization that there was none. There was no way around this...she was simply going to have to face it. Face him. The best she could do was postpone the inevitable, and she wasn't about to waltz into class so that she'd not only disrupt a lesson, but also have every single pair of eyes in the room boring into the back of her head. Wincing at the thought, she decided to give herself a bit of time to prepare for it...she'd just take a walk to the hospital wing for a pepper-up and tell them she was sick. It was actually the truth...she felt terrible.
She took a quick shower and got dressed, slightly relieved that she now had the whole day to decide how she wanted to approach Potter about this. At the moment, she was thinking the best way would be to simply pretend nothing had happened. When she saw him later that day, he was bound to be on edge about it as much as she was, and he'd probably be relieved when she showed him that she never wanted it mentioned again. If she pretended it hadn't happened, then people would just slowly forget about it. Even as she said this to herself, though, she knew it wouldn't be that simple. People wouldn't forget...if she thought they had been on eggshells with her before, she didn't want to imagine what they would act like now in her company. She felt the familiar burning in her eyes again as she felt her insides cringe in utter humiliation, and she gently set down the brush she had been running through her hair.
Control, she told herself as she regarded herself with puffy eyes in the mirror. You lost it last night, but it's not going to happen again. Nodding slowly at herself in resolve, she walked down the stairs leading to the common room...and stopped dead when she got to the bottom.
James Potter was sitting there by himself, staring out the window. He was dressed in his robes, and his bag lay at his feet. Seeing him now, after not having spared him even a fleeting glance the night before, made her feel like she wanted to throw up. The moment he heard her enter, he got to his feet and then simply stood there looking at her. She noted guiltily, her face burning, that he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep.
"Hi," he said softly, and she looked down at the floor so as not to have to meet his eyes.
"Hi," she replied. The moment of silence that followed seemed as though it lasted an eternity before he finally broke it, speaking in the same soft voice as though he was trying to avoid waking someone.
"You weren't in Potions this morning."
She looked up then, and found him regarding her closely, as though waiting for something. She didn't know what, so she simply replied to his observation. "I slept a bit late."
He nodded, then swallowed as he glanced at the portrait hole and then back at her. He seemed incredibly nervous. "Are you okay?"
His tone was laden with meaning. She blinked slowly, wishing she could simply keep her eyes closed – or better yet, apparate out of the room – before answering dismissively, "Yes...yes, I'm fine."
She prayed that he would take the hint and walk away, but he didn't. He simply stared at her for a moment. She was extremely uncomfortable under the scrutiny, and wished that he would either mention the previous night and get it out of the way or else end the conversation. All she wanted to do was get away from him. He took in her appearance and then remarked,
"You aren't dressed. For class, I mean."
She shook her head and replied, "I was...I was just going to stay in my dorm today. I'm a bit...er, tired."
She could have kicked herself for bringing it up, and something flickered in his eyes as he cleared his throat and asked, "Where are you off to, then?"
"The hospital wing," she replied, and then at his slight look of concern she added hastily, "I just, um...I have a little headache."
He nodded again, then bent to pick up his bag. She decided that must be the end of the conversation and was just heading toward the portrait hole when he asked, "Mind if I go with you?"
"Why?" she blurted out before she could stop it. He shrugged and, gripping his bag a bit tighter, replied,
"I don't know."
She felt her throat close...he wasn't going to let it go. She couldn't let it go any further than this...she didn't want him to feel like he was obligated to check up on her. He wasn't even her friend. "That really isn't necessary, thanks," she said as she brushed past him and walked out of the portrait hole. She didn't look him in the face.
As she walked swiftly down the corridor, her arms crossed in front of her, she heard the portrait swing open once again behind her. She didn't slow her steps and turned to run up the stone staircase leading to the hospital wing, but before she could get too far she heard him call after her.
"Lily."
Her very bones vibrated as the echo of his voice bounced off the corridor walls...this was it. He was going to bring it up. Somehow, she simply knew it before she even turned around to face him. When she did, she was no longer in any doubt...he looked torn and unsure, but at the same time determined as he stepped up the first few steps towards her.
"Do you want me to make your excuses?"
She looked up at him then and found him staring intently down at her, as though he was trying to look inside her mind. She never realized before how tall he was, and somehow it made her feel even smaller in more than one way. She shivered a bit and replied, "No, it's alright."
"I would," he interrupted softly, "If you wanted me to."
She shook her head. She wanted so badly to escape him. "Was there anything else?"
He stared for a moment more before slowly shaking his head, and so she turned and went as fast as she could without actually running, calling over her shoulder, "I'll see you later, then."
She felt tears of frustration burn her eyes as she went swiftly down the corridors and she wanted to simply lay down and die of shame. She would have to work hard to wipe last night from his memory...she preferred even the fighting to this.
This, she decided morosely, was absolutely awful...and she didn't have the slightest idea how to proceed. After stopping in to see Madam Pomfrey, her headache was cleared up but her nervous stomach was bound to remain. Deciding that it was foolish to miss a whole day of lessons, especially since the meeting she had been dreading the most had already happened, she headed back to the dorms to quickly don her robes and then hurried out to the greenhouses for Herbology. Despite the fact that she was extremely late, Professor Green didn't seem at all upset with her as she took her place by Arabella and Helen.
"What happened?" Arabella whispered as they were being given direction on how to properly fertilize spitting plants.
"What do you mean, what happened?" Lily hissed back as she put on her gloves, "You didn't wake me for breakfast, that's what happened!"
Arabella scowled at her and replied, "Don't give me that. You looked so horrible that we didn't want to wake you...not that we didn't try."
"Lily," Helen broke in, shooting a look at Bella for being too loud, "You were obviously exhausted this morning...usually, you're up on your own. Is something...wrong? Did something happen?"
Lily shook her head quickly and picked up the bottle of liquid plant food from the table in front of her, but she couldn't help glancing at James Potter as she did. The minute her eyes found him, though, she was dismayed to find that he was looking at her. He looked away when her eyes fell on him, but she had already seen the uneasy expression on his face.
"Marvelous," she mumbled under her breath, and then looked to make sure Arabella hadn't caught it. She glanced around the room then at the rest of the students, all of whom seemed to be quite busy with their plants. She wondered again, her face burning, how many people knew about it already. Sighing, she decided she'd simply go ahead with her original plan to ignore it completely...pretend it hadn't happened.
Of course, this wasn't easy to do when she had Potter floating around her all day.
Several times, she had caught him staring at her in class as though he thought she was going to collapse at any moment. Later, she was rushing down the corridor to Charms after having taken a horrible Arithmancy exam...she was decent at Arithmancy, but for some reason the professor didn't much like her. Lily had unwittingly started several intellectual debates with her in the past, and she suspected Professor Abernathy had taken it as an insult to her superior knowledge. This particular exam had been the toughest yet, especially considering the fact that she'd barely done any studying for it, and then Abernathy had kept her after to help her sort papers. Lily had silently fumed as she'd complied, knowing the woman had just done it to spite her. She finally arrived at the door to Flitwick's classroom, only to find her entire class standing outside the door. Lily groaned inwardly as she remembered Flitwick mentioning that he would be a touch late today...she hadn't even needed to rush. Moving tiredly to stand by the door and wondering where Arabella and Helen had got to, she began trying one last time to look over the essay she was to turn in today.
"Hi," came a voice close to her left shoulder, and she glanced up to see that it was James. He smiled mildly at her, and she quickly looked back down at her paper.
"Hi," she mumbled. He glanced down at the paper as well and asked,
"Don't tell me that's why you're late... you, doing an assignment at the last minute?"
She blinked and shook her head, explaining quickly, "No...I was just finishing up an Arithmancy exam."
He nodded, and she thought the conversation was over when he inquired mildly, "How did it go?"
"Oh, um..." she began, letting her gaze wander around at the people standing with them in the corridor. She caught sight of his three friends standing on the other side, talking. Her brow furrowing slightly, she replied briefly, "Umm...it went fine."
He nodded, and an awkward silence ensued between them. She knew he was waiting for elaboration, or for her to ask him something to keep the conversation moving, but she wasn't about to do that. She didn't want it to be like this...him feeling obligated to her somehow. After a moment, he walked off to join his friends, telling her he'd see her in class as he went. She went back to reading her paper, or at least pretending to do so, and before long Flitwick arrived and opened the classroom door for them. She seated herself in her usual seat, behind James Potter and Sirius Black. They were talking about something, and just as Lily began to wonder where Arabella was, she plunked herself down in the seat next to Lily's.
"I hate that east staircase...it makes me feel like I'm eighty years old!"
Lily asked, "Where were you?"
Bella snorted as she pulled out her Charms book and her wand. "I got in an argument with that Ravenclaw...you know, the one who tried to tell me I was conceited a couple of weeks ago? Dana something...anyway, it took some time."
Lily eyed her friend suspiciously. "Tell me nothing bad happened."
Bella smiled wickedly and replied, "Nothing really bad happened. Speaking of really bad...how was your exam?"
"Really bad," Lily replied, frustrated, "She hates me, I know it."
"Abernathy?" Arabella asked with a sneer on her face, "Please. She's only jealous because you could teach that class better than she can. What happened this time?"
Lily shook her head and replied, "Nothing I can describe...it's just a feeling. The exam was so hard, I...I just wasn't properly prepared. Still, it was much too advanced for our level, and at the bottom was an essay concerning the benefits of learning arithmancy for everyday life. I know she only put that on there because of the time last week I asked her why we had to delve into trade arithmancy...I argued that we have the class only to teach theory."
"Why do you get into these things with her if you know she doesn't like it?" Bella broke in, exasperated, "I mean, I'd hate you, too!"
"Anyway," Lily continued as if she hadn't heard her, "She kept me after, then. To sort papers, or something."
Bella shook her head as Flitwick stepped up on his podium. Lily turned to face the front of the class...and caught sight of James Potter in front of her. He wasn't looking at them, but his head was turned to the side in such a way that it was obvious he was listening to their conversation. As soon as Flitwick began speaking, he turned away to face the front of the class.
Her nerves were practically shot by the time she sat down in the Great Hall for lunch. Arabella gave her a confused look as she pushed her plate away. "What's the matter?"
Lily shrugged mildly and replied, "Nothing...I'm just not very hungry, that's all."
Arabella swallowed whatever she had been chewing and asked, "Is anything wrong with you?"
Lily frowned, wishing at this moment that Arabella didn't know her as well as she did, and replied, "No. Why?"
Bella gave her a look of disbelief and replied, "Because...you weren't at breakfast, and now you want to skip lunch. Are you planning on eating at all today, or are you practicing some form of ritual fasting?"
Lily knew that Arabella was simply trying to lighten the seriousness of the question, but she couldn't help the feeling of entrapment building inside of her. Why couldn't people just let her do what she wanted without acting as though she might perish? She wasn't fragile...she wasn't made of glass.
"Look," she snapped, causing Arabella's dark brows to shoot up, "I told you, I'm just not hungry, alright? I didn't feel well when I woke up this morning, and I still don't. I have a headache."
Arabella's eyes narrowed as she studied Lily's face, and she replied in an even tone, "So...let's review the week, shall we? You sleep when you should be eating, are a zombie during class, then to catch up you study when you should be sleeping...and who on earth knows when you do any eating. That is, if you eat at all."
Lily sighed. "Yes, yes...I know, but..."
"But nothing...this I getting out of control. How long is this going to go on? Until you drop dead?"
Lily's eyes shot up to meet Bella's and she said quietly, "No."
"Well then? I mean, have you looked at yourself lately? You look like...I don't know, Lily! You can't lose any more weight or the wind'll blow you down, you have permanent dark circles under your eyes..."
"Don't do this. I..."
"Lily," Bella replied quietly, "You're doing it to yourself."
Helen broke in. "Why don't you go to Madam Pomfrey for a pepper-up?"
"I did already," Lily replied without thinking.
"It didn't work?" Arabella asked in surprise. Lily looked at her, not knowing how to respond, then for some reason glanced down the table to her right...and found James sitting not five seats away with his friends. He wasn't paying attention to the argument taking place between Black and Pettigrew, however...he was looking straight at her. She shook her head and picked up her books, suddenly needing to get far away from everyone. Maybe she shouldn't have gone to class that morning.
"I'm just going to go back to the dorm, okay? I'll see you in Potions."
With that, she hurried out of the Great Hall and into the corridor. As soon as she reached the staircase leading to Gryffindor Tower, she lost her grip on one of her books...which, of course, caused them all to go tumbling from her arms to the floor in a mess of flying papers. Sighing frustratedly, she bent to pick them up...and suddenly James Potter was sinking to his knees right beside her. She blinked at him, not having even heard him approach. He didn't say anything, but began helping her gather her things together. She grabbed what he held in his hands and clutched everything to her chest, standing so quickly that she almost dropped everything again.
"Thanks, I've got it," she said, praying she could hold on to the precarious jumble of papers, books, and parchment she had haphazardly clasped to her front. He looked uncertain that she had it all under control as he eyed the mess a bit nervously.
"Here," he said, reaching out to relieve her of some of her burden, "Let me carry some of those."
"No," she said almost desperately, causing his eyes to shoot to her face as she took a jerky step back, "I have it. You don't have to."
He pulled his hand back slowly and replied, "I know I don't have to."
She looked about to see if there was anyone else around, but everyone was in the Hall happily enjoying their lunch. She wondered why in the world he couldn't have just stayed in there with his friends...although deep down, she knew the answer. He was probably still determined to talk to her about the night before, and he had overheard her saying that she was going back to the tower.
"Where are you going?" he asked then, after the silence had stretched on for a couple of minutes. She thought for a moment about lying to him, but then decided that her mind wasn't sharp enough to come up with anything convincing. Besides, what made her feel like she had to make things up?
"I'm going back to the tower," she replied, her tone flat.
"Not hungry?" he asked nonchalantly, which told Lily clearly that he was making an attempt to hide what he was really thinking. Why couldn't he just say what he meant so they could get it over with?
She chose not to reply, but rather gave her head a little shake and tried to move past him without looking at him. To her dismay but somehow not surprisingly, he sidestepped slightly so that she didn't have a clear path to the stairs. Bending his head, he tried to make her look him in the eye...she silently refused. She couldn't. She was desperately afraid of what would happen if she did.
"Don't you think you should at least finish lunch?"
She pressed her lips together, then said as calmly as she could despite the panicked feeling rising in her throat, "I'm just...not hungry. I'm tired. I just need to..."
"I don't think you should go to sleep," he said firmly. This did surprise her, and forced her gaze up to his face. "You'll be knackered later, and your schedule will be messed up."
As she returned his gaze, she realized slowly that the feeling that was weighing down her insides wasn't fear and it wasn't dread...it was anger. No sooner had she realized this than the feeling began to grow stronger, hotter...she didn't analyze it or try and understand it, but merely allowed herself to feel it. Narrowing her eyes a bit, she asked in a soft but unmistakably sharp tone,
"It's really not for you to say. I don't need you to be my nanny."
His hazel eyes narrowed slightly, but his voice didn't change as he replied, "I'm not trying to be your nanny. I'm just giving you my opinion."
"Why?" she shot out before she could think about what the answer might be.
He seemed a bit flustered by the question at first, but quickly regained his composure and replied noncommittally, "I don't know...because I thought I should."
She shook her head and said, "You shouldn't, alright? You shouldn't do anything...you aren't obligated. If I wanted to throw myself off of the North Tower balcony, it would be my privilidge. It's nothing at all to do with you."
There was a short pause during which Lily grimaced to herself about the harshness of her last statement...she hadn't really meant for it all to come out like that. She'd meant to simply think it...but she didn't exactly regret saying it.
Finally, he replied, "I disagree."
"Why?" she asked again, and he let out a frustrated sigh before replying,
"I don't know. I suppose I just...after last night..."
"Stop," she interrupted, her voice sounding stricken even to her own ears, "Just...stop."
"Stop what?" he asked sharply, as if he'd been expecting her reaction. Anticipating it.
"Stop talking, stop everything!" she burst out, her voice echoing off the walls in the empty corridor. "Stop doing this!"
"Doing what? Trying to bloody help you?"
"I'd like to know what makes you think you can do anything to help me!" she hissed, her eyes flashing at him, "You think that just because you walked in on me in a weak moment last night that you have the right to pretend as though we're the best of friends...as though we've always been close underneath everything else?"
As she spoke, his expression grew progressively harder. She knew that on some level she was being ungrateful and unreasonable, but on so many other levels she was justifiably resentful. He didn't understand – couldn't possibly understand – what this meant for her. How ruined she felt, how defeated...and now his kindness was tantamount to rubbing her nose in her defeat. His motives were all self-serving...he felt guilty and wanted to appease his conscience, or he wanted to play hero for awhile and feed his ego. She wasn't going to allow any of it, and she stood firm against his rising anger. His jaw clenched, and he replied,
"I never claimed anything like that. All I'm trying to do is help you."
"Well I don't need your help!" she bit out, her voice resonating with all the rage she felt, "I haven't needed your help so far, and I don't need it now! You seem to forget that we hate each other."
"You didn't seem to hate me all that much when you drenched my sweater and put fingernail marks in my arms," he said cruelly, knowing that the last thing she wanted was to be reminded. Cringing inwardly, she nevertheless forced her chin up a notch and shot back,
"Look...my parents had nothing to do with our relationship before they...before they died, and...so why should they have anything to do with it now? Nothing's changed."
"Hasn't it? You're telling me that last night would've happened even if you hadn't been overcome with grief at what's been going on in your life?"
She knew it wasn't true, but she knew any change in their interaction was based on nothing but pity on his part...and last night she'd only allowed him to feed his need to be important to anyone and everyone. Wanting to knock him off his high horse, she replied, "It could have been anyone sitting there with me last night, for all I cared. I never even looked at your face."
"You bloody well knew it was me," he snapped with sudden virulence. "Now who's pretending?"
She shook her head. "You aren't listening, as usual. The point I'm trying to make is that I didn't care. I don't know if there's anything else going on in your life right now, but for me, my relationship or lack thereof with you is at the very bottom of my list of priorities. I have enough to handle without..."
"Why don't you spare me the self-righteous babble?" he interrupted sharply, his hazel eyes blazing. "You know, you'd love to believe that no one in the whole bloody world has problems like yours."
She blinked...not only was she taken aback, but his very bluntness and the force with which he threw the words at her stung. "You think you have me figured out, then?"
"It's true and you know it," he countered, his eyes still furious but his voice carrying a familiar mocking edge now, "You try so damn hard to make everyone forget that you're going through a rough time. You sit there in class and try to convince everyone that you're no worse off than you were before..."
She tried to turn away, unable to believe his temerity. He took a step toward her and leaned in as he continued relentlessly,
"You make a fool of yourself every day, trying to act like you haven't been weakened by the blow...as if there were some shame in admitting that. You don't open up to anyone...not even your friends. I can see that they don't even know what to do with you...after all, what's the point? They wouldn't understand you anyway, right? Far better to have a breakdown alone in the middle of the night than to ask for help."
He made this last remark with a bite of sarcasm, and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck raise. She'd never been so furious. "Do you think last night was some...some big deal? Well, it wasn't. It was meaningless, just like all the other times...a drop in the bucket. The middle of the night...that expression means nothing to me, don't you understand? I don't sleep anymore as it is."
"You sound almost proud of this. Do you secretly enjoy your misery?"
She shook her head and ended, "Just...leave me alone from now on, alright?"
"You know," he commented in a controlled voice, "You really are stuck-up. Or maybe it's just ingratitude...I can't tell."
"I don't have any reason to show you gratitude," she said coldly, "And if you're referring to what happened last night..."
"I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that?" he said, his lip curling.
"Right," she said, raising her eyebrows and refusing to be baited, "We're not."
He nodded curtly and replied, "Fine."
She turned on her heel and strode away down the corridor, and while from behind she may have looked confident and collected, she was really anything but. Tears of frustration burned her eyes as she weaved swiftly through the students who were now finished with their lunch, and she wanted to simply lay down and die, she was so worn out.
She hated him. It hurt, she hated him so much.
Running the rest of the way to the dorms, she practically broke the door down as she shoved it open and collapsed on her bed. Her nose buried in the familiar-smelling covers, she considered that she'd never been much of a slammer of doors...before. As she continued to lay there, breathing deeply in an effort to calm herself, she fought the urge to fall asleep and instead replayed the conversation that she'd just had with Arabella over and over in her mind.
"You sleep when you should be eating, are a zombie during class, then to catch up you study when you should be sleeping...and who on earth knows when you do any eating. That is, if you eat at all."
Lily lifted her head from the bed and looked blearily around her. The room was silent as a tomb and offered an odd sense of privacy at this moment, when everyone else was out and about. Her muscles protesting, she pushed herself up and off the bed, walking over to the large mirror over by the windows. Standing before it, she could feel a knot tightening in her stomach as she looked at herself.
"You look like...I don't know, Lily! You can't lose any more weight or the wind'll blow you down, you have permanent dark circles under your eyes..."
She suddenly felt frightened as she gazed into the glass, as though she was looking at something she'd never seen before and didn't quite know what to do. It was as though she was seeing a complete stranger. Hesitantly, she brought a hand to her face and stared. She did have circles under her eyes...bad ones. Her eyelids were swollen slightly as though she'd just woken up from a long sleep, and her hair was pulled tightly back from her face as though she didn't care what it looked like.
She didn't...at least, she hadn't when she'd gotten out of bed that morning after another mostly sleepless night. Now...she somehow felt different about it. Reaching up, she winced as she pulled the band from her hair and watched it spill down around her shoulders. It was still the same vibrant red...only now, her skin didn't have any lustre to it. Now, her red hair made her face look all the more pale.
She backed up a step and realized for perhaps the first time how thin she looked. Lily wasn't tall...she wasn't accustomed to being so skinny. She turned to the side, and then to face front again...her eyes blurred with tears as she realized that her clothes barely fit her anymore. Angrily, she wiped her eyes and frowned at herself...she was neglecting herself in a way that she would never allow one of her friends to be neglected. Not only that, she was acting horrible to her friends for doing exactly what she would do for them if the situations were reversed...for caring about her.
Lily brought her hands up and ran them back through her hair...she had no right to be annoyed at them. She was wrong. As she glanced up one more time at herself in the mirror, she wondered if there was any remnant of her old self in this stranger she saw...physically or mentally. If there was...then she'd have to preserve it before it was dead.
Uttering a small sound of disgust, she grabbed the brush that was lying on the top of the dresser and began pulling it roughly through her hair. She tossed the band she still held away...she wasn't going to use it...not today. Grabbing her books, she took them with her into the bathroom at the end of the hall and gave her face a vigorous scrub with soap and water. When she was done, she looked at her reflection...a slight improvement, she thought as her skin glowed shiny and pink. Succumbing to a slight twinge of female pride, she used a charm on her lips and her eyebrows...coloring the former and slightly shaping the latter. Finally, she began to recognize herself...and she decided then that enough was enough. Rather than go back to the dorm to sleep, she marched resolutely out to class...although she knew very well that her determination to better herself would dwindle, and that although this was a battle with her willpower that she'd won today...the war was far from over.
"Can't you at least give your reasons for what you're saying?"
Lily turned her head and pinned James Potter with her eyes, wishing she could use them to shoot fire. If looks could kill, he would have been done for by now. The classroom was hushed, everyone hanging on their every word as the debate became more and more heated.
"As I've said numerous times before," she repeated, her voice hard as steel, "I feel that it takes a Muggle, or a Muggleborn, to truly understand what Muggles can contribute to the fight against dark magic."
"Then perhaps it takes a pureblood to know precisely why allowing muggles into the fight would be a horrible misstep on the part of the wizarding world," Potter countered, his eyes not wavering from hers despite the look she was giving him.
There was a murmur rippling through the room now, but Lily barely heard it above the ringing in her ears. Until now, until this moment, he hadn't spoken more than two words to her since the fight they'd had that day in the corridor outside the Great Hall. That was nearly two whole weeks ago. She hadn't complained...she'd asked him to leave her alone, and that's exactly what he did. He did his share of the work, he spoke to her when it was required by duty, but nothing more. There had been no trace of the overly helpful, almost suffocating person he'd been right after that horribly humiliating incident in the common room that night. That had been exactly what she wanted...but suddenly, tonight, it looked as though he'd decided he'd left her in peace long enough. The class had begun with a mild discussion on the Ministry and had escalated into this...a heated, almost biting argument between the two of them.
All because she'd made a perfectly justifiable comment about the involvement of Muggles – or lack thereof – in the fight against dark magic. Now she was unexpectedly having to defend herself against James Potter's onslaught...and the worst part of it was, she didn't doubt he felt as strongly about his opinions as she felt about hers. It's just that in her opinion, he was dead wrong.
"What does being a pureblood have to do with anything, may I ask?"
"What does being a Muggleborn have to do with anything, for that matter?" he shot back, his brows furrowed, refusing to answer her question. She realized then that he was trying to get her to stumble in her argument, trying to prove that she was thinking with her emotions rather than her logic. She resented it fiercely.
"It's different, and I think you know it. There's a cultural difference..."
"I agree with you on that point," he cut in, leaning forward in his desk, "That's not what I'm arguing."
"Then why don't you just come to the point and stop dancing around the subject?" she asked coolly.
"I don't believe I'm the one doing the dancing."
"What?"
He leaned back again, and she could fairly see the effort he was making to contain his glee at her discomfort. "What you're trying to say is that wizards who are purebloods, or who are generations removed from their Muggle ancestors, fail to fully grasp the depth of the Muggle plight."
Lily blinked. "No, I'm not. I'm saying that it takes a person who knows the intricacies of the Muggle culture to fully appreciate the contributions that Muggles could make in the fight, if given the opportunity...but now I feel as though I'm repeating myself, as I stated this clearly before. Many times."
"But what about the repercussions?" someone else broke in, saving James the trouble, "If the non-magical world were to find out about everything that's been happening, it could spell disaster for everyone!"
"Yes," someone else shouted from the back, "And I don't happen to think that Muggles would be equipped to defend themselves, no matter what anyone says about their talent for...innovation."
Lily turned in her seat to address this person, but found herself beaten to it.
"How can someone defend themselves against something that they don't understand?"
She couldn't keep track of who was speaking anymore, and the room was becoming quite loud. Lily glanced nervously at Dumbledore, but he didn't seem to mind the noise and arguing...in fact, he merely sat at his desk with his hands folded in front of him, looking pensively from one speaker to the next. He seemed content to simply allow the discussion to flow where it might, and didn't seem to share Lily's fear that it was slightly disrespectful.
"Look at the evidence from previous times," James pointed out, bringing her attention back to the matter at hand, "Those Muggle towns and the people in them were completely unable to fend off a Deatheater attack. They weren't even able to escape most of the time...what does that tell you?"
"It tells me that there's a lack of open communication between people who should be on the same side!" Lily burst out, "They should be united!"
"Muggles would be a liability in the fight! It's best that they're just kept out of it!"
"Kept out of it!?" someone protested, "They're not out of it now...and the fact that they're already deeply involved is through no choice of theirs!"
"This is what I'm saying!" Lily said, her firm voice rising above the din, "Of all the groups we've discussed, it seems Muggles are the most heavily involved of all...and the most victimized. So don't they have the right to know what's happening to them?"
"Ignorance is bliss," James said under his breath, but Lily heard him. Before she could respond, Dumbledore finally broke in.
"I must say that although it may seem to some that I am promoting dischord and tension amongst my student population, I am pleased to see that the feelings and opinions everyone has on this subject are enough to spark such a heated debate. In the coming days, I hope we can continue to elaborate on the discussion and settle on some kind of agreement...but if not, then at the very least you will have been taught the nature of politics. Now, I'd like to move on to something else...but let's take a five minute recess so that I can choose partners for you."
As Dumbledore proceeded to divide them into partners to work on some kind of assignment, Lily fumed about the conversation that had just taken place. She glanced at Potter, who was sitting on the other side of the room listening intently to the headmaster as though nothing in the world was bothering him. She wondered what might have provoked his attack on her tonight, since she hadn't so much as looked in his direction since their argument after lunch that day. As though reading her mind, Arabella leaned across the table and whispered scorchingly,
"What in the world is the matter with Potter? Does he have some kind of uncontrollable need to cause trouble?"
Lily shook her head and replied, "I have no idea. Maybe it makes him feel important."
"I don't know. I think he may actually believe the things he says."
Lily shot Bella a look and asked, "Are you making an observation, or are you sticking up for him?"
Bella looked back at Lily and said flatly, "Don't even start. You know my thoughts on the subject."
Lily rolled her eyes to the ceiling and said quietly, "You could've...I don't know..."
"Spoken up?" Bella finished for her, and when Lily looked over at her, she continued, "You know I would have, Lil...but I'm just not sure."
"Not sure?"
Arabella hesitated a moment before she said, "I'm not sure where I stand."
"What do you mean, you're not sure? You don't...you can't agree with Potter and...them?"
Bella thought for a moment as though trying to think of the best way to say whatever it was she was about to say. Finally she replied, "No...I don't think I do. But I do see their point...just like I see yours. I guess I'm torn, that's all. I don't think anyone's wrong, really...but no one's completely right, either."
Lily stared at Bella for a minute, expecting to feel some kind of anger...but strangely enough, she didn't. Blowing out a breath and shaking her head, she said, "I can't say I blame you. Sometimes I wish..."
The sentence hung in the air for a moment before Bella gently prompted, "You wish what?"
"I wish...I could be caught in the middle, unable to make up my mind. But I can't...I just can't."
"There's nothing wrong with that, Lily. You have a strong opinion...that's a good thing."
Lily laughed a humorless laugh and replied, "Yeah, well...it seems to get me involved in a whole lot of arguments."
Bella shrugged. "So what? At least you stand up for what you believe in...and people respect that."
"Yeah...I suppose. It just seems like I don't need to be doing this, on top of everything else. I just...I don't know. I think about Petunia a lot, when we talk about this stuff..."
"Well, I'm sure she's not thinking about you," Bella broke in, her voice going hard. It had never been a secret that Petunia and Arabella had hated each other from the first day they'd met. Petunia had thought Bella a bad influence, and Bella had thought Petunia a bad sister. Lily had spent a couple of years trying to warm them up to each other before reluctantly deciding that it was no use, and so from then on she'd been horribly torn. Even now, after everything that had happened, Arabella refused to feel any kind of sympathy for Lily's sister...in fact, the way Petunia had handled the death of their parents and the way she'd treated Lily in the past months had only served to fuel the fire of Bella's hatred.
"Sorry," Bella said suddenly, breaking into Lily's thoughts, "I didn't mean to interrupt. Go on with what you were saying."
Lily smiled...at least she was trying to make an effort. "No, I was finished. You're right...she's probably not thinking about me."
"I didn't mean that, Lily. It was insensitive of me to say."
"Don't worry...you didn't say anything I didn't already know."
"Well," Arabella reasoned softly, "Knowing it isn't necessarily accepting it."
Lily knew all too well that this was absolutely true. Sighing, she stood up with the rest of the class as Dumbledore began reading names and made her way over to where her assigned partner was sitting...an auror in training whom she'd never met. They made a quick introduction and got to work, Lily still thinking about everything Arabella had said...as well as the things Potter had said that apparently made some sense to her best friend.
Half an hour later, she sat trying not to let her temper rise as the girl she was working with persisted in debating a point with her that had come up in the class discussion that had just ended. She barely knew this girl – she was training to enter some defense department in the Ministry, and apparently she was a recent entry into the program. They had been paired with the trainees that evening because Dumbledore had wanted them to work together on decoding an ancient rune. His thinking was that the students would bring fresh knowledge of the academic study of runes, while the trainees would enhance the exercise with their practical knowledge. Right at that moment, however, Lily wasn't benefiting the task at all...she couldn't concentrate.
"Look, I don't want to make you feel like I'm trying to start some huge argument," the girl was saying, obviously unable or unwilling to drop the subject, "I just want to know your opinion. Your real opinion."
"I just gave you my real opinion. I shared it with the entire class. I honestly don't know what more you want me to say," Lily replied quietly, squinting at her paper.
"Come on," the girl said, leaning in conspiratorily, "You can't tell me you weren't being...just a bit stubborn just now. On purpose."
Lily looked up, now completely distracted. "What do you mean?"
"Well," the girl declared, leaning back in her chair again with an infuriatingly knowing look on her face, "You didn't exactly settle for some kind of mutual understanding, even when good points were being made for the other side. You can't say that it didn't have just a little bit to do with pride."
"Pride?" Lily repeated, unable to grasp what she was implying.
"Because no one agreed with you!" the girl insisted as though Lily were being thick. Lily laid her quill down and folded her hands on the table in front of her, now resigned to and almost relishing the exchange of words she was about to get into with this girl.
"I'm sorry...what was your name again?" Lily asked in her head girl tone, her voice cool. The girl raised an eyebrow at her and replied,
"Bess."
"Bess. Well, Bess...I obviously don't remember it the way you do. The way I remember it, several people were in agreement with me."
"I think it's because they felt sorry for you," Bess said flatly, and it made Lily's blood boil even as she kept a perfectly straight face. She could see now what this was...this girl didn't agree with her. In fact, it seemed that something Lily had said had bothered her. Perhaps she'd been in Slytherin.
"I see...well, on this too, we'll have to disagree. I simply fail to see how you can sit there and call me stubborn when this entire conversation and it's lack of progress is clearly a result of your closed mind, not mine."
The girl's smirk suddenly turned to a frown as she accused, "You show a distinct disrespect for us, you know."
"Us?"
"You know what I mean," Bess clarified, waving a hand in the air, "Purebloods."
It suddenly dawned on Lily just what was going on here...in a flash, she understood that this girl had been offended by what she'd said. Without having forseen it, Lily had just gotten herself into an argument about bloodlines...and she didn't feel quite comfortable with it. Things like this could get ugly, and she wasn't sure how well she would be able to handle another conversation on this subject. She was still trying to recover from the one that had ended minutes before.
"Look," Lily said quietly as she stared back at Bess, "I really don't think I want to talk about this anymore tonight. I'm sorry if I offended you, but I just meant..."
"You didn't offend me," Bess said slightly contemptuously, bending down again over her paper, evidently deciding to end the conversation here. "I just think that if you have so many problems with the wizarding world and its policies, then why don't you just give up and go home?"
Lily felt the blood rush to her face and her stomach turn. The words cut through her, leaving her insides raw. Staring at the top of Bess's bent head, Lily tried to tell herself that the girl had no idea what she'd just said. She had only wanted to make a strong point and she didn't know about Lily's life at all. She knew this...nevertheless, the words repeated and echoed in her head, taunting her.
She had no home...not anymore. It was something she tried to avoid thinking about, but sometimes there was no way to run from your own mind. There was nowhere to hide from the images now racing through her brain. She wished she could just turn herself off.
Her eyes, moving around in an attempt to stave off tears, travelled about the room of their own accord until her gaze unexpectedly collided with James Potter's. He didn't flinch or even blink. It was plain that he had heard the entire conversation and was now looking at her as he might look at a bomb that was about to explode. His intense hazel eyes held a mixture of indignation and pity...and Lily tore her gaze away.
Just at that moment, Dumbledore spoke.
"If you would all put the solutions you have, however incomplete, in the folder on my desk before you leave. Make sure to bring an extra pair of potting gloves with you on Monday..."
She could feel her face tightening as she attempted to stay in control of herself for just a bit longer. She knew she had to shove it from her mind until she could get out of there. Thoughts of her home – the house that was no longer standing, the devistated town where she'd grown up - were leaking into the forefront of her mind, and there was nothing she could do to stop them. All the while, she could feel Potter's eyes on her, waiting. She knew that he would try and speak to her as soon as Dumbledore dismissed them. It was inevitable, unless she could get away.
All she wanted to do was to be alone...to think.
"...don't send the letter. Just bring it with you for next time, and we'll talk about it. Dismissed."
The second he finished, she grabbed her books and was up and out of her chair before anyone else had even gathered their things together. She could feel her throat constricting as the deluge of tears threatened impending humiliation, and she riveted her eyes on the open door as she made a break for it.
"Lily..."
She heard him say her name, and it only made her more frantic to escape. She pushed past a few people and stepped out into the considerably cooler corridor...but the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as she felt him coming up behind her.
"Lily!" he said again, more sharply this time. She couldn't let him see her break down. Not again.
Her only hope was the door to the girls bathroom across the corridor. It was probably the only place in the castle where he couldn't follow her. Lunging for the door, she reached out with a shaky hand and pushed her way inside, not stopping even as she practically threw her books loudly into one of the sinks. Running into the nearest stall, she slammed the door shut and slammed her eyes shut.
She suddenly heard the sound of the bathroom door crashing open and hitting the wall. As her eyes shot open, she heard the door close again and the unmistakable click of the bolt being slid into place. She stared hard at the wooden door of the stall, her heart hammering in her chest and her pain momentarily forgotten.
"Where are you?" came a firm voice from the direction of the sinks. A male voice.
She stepped back from the door and covered her mouth with both hands as her horrified eyes spilled hot tears onto her cheeks.
"Lily," he said quietly, his voice just on the other side of the door now, "Are you alright?"
She shook her head violently as though he could see her and tried to surpress her emotions, but it couldn't be done. She wasn't sobbing, but her heavy breathing and sniffling echoed in the empty bathroom.
She heard him sigh, and then he said simply, "Please come out."
His voice was gentle and there was no trace of self-satisfation in his tone...he was trying very hard to help her, for whatever reason. He couldn't know what she was feeling, what she was going through...she'd been right about that. That didn't make it his fault...it wasn't his fault.
She suddenly felt very small and terrible for the way she'd treated him until now.
"James," she said brokenly, "I need to be alone."
"Lily, come on," he responded, his voice now containing a trace of urgency, "Just come out here and talk to me. I heard everything...she didn't know what the hell she was saying."
"I know," she said, casting her eyes to the high ceiling above her, "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" There was a long silence this time before he finally finished, "For what?"
"I just...I just am. Please, just g-go. I don't w-want to be seen like this."
Now she was having trouble getting her words out, and she wished with all her might that he wouldn't make her talk anymore. She sounded pitiful.
There was a pause before he ventured, "I locked the door. It's just me in here."
"No..."
"I just want to help you," he said, his voice slightly pained even as he tried to be soothing, "Let me help you, please."
She covered her face with her hands again, and her voice came out muffled and weak. "I know...and I'm s-sorry..."
She trailed off into silence and gave up on speaking as the sobs got stronger. She placed her palms on the cool wood of the door and then leaned her burning forehead between them. She hated herself right then...hated what she'd become. She had no center anymore, no sense of herself. Who was there to tell her who she was or who she should be? Her parents were gone, and as that girl had so clearly, if unknowingly, pointed out...she had no base, nowhere to go. She felt so...aimless. So lost.
For a few moments, the silence was broken only by the sounds she was making echoing through the room. Finally, he spoke again, and Lily realized that he was right on the other side of the door...probably two inches from her face.
"I can't just leave you here alone like this."
He sounded as lost as she felt. She shook her head again, but didn't respond. If he was going to insist on staying, then there was no point arguing with him. She didn't have the energy anyway. She just remained like that, leaning on the door for support, her throat burning, for what seemed an eternity. Then, suddenly, she heard the his footsteps recede and the sound of the door opening and closing again. She squeezed her eyes shut...she'd wanted him to leave.
But knowing that he had only made her solitude feel more complete.
She stepped away from the door and sunk down to sit on the floor, feeling as though she might as well remain there. Resting her head on her knees, she could think only of her bedroom...at home. How much she wished she could lock herself in it right now...rather than in a drafty bathroom stall.
After a short while, she heard the door open again and her head shot up as she listened to footsteps entering. After a moment she heard,
"Lily?"
Lily frowned, confused. "Bella?"
"What's going on here? What happened?"
Lily stood up and swiped at her puffy eyes before unlatching the door and peeping confusedly out. Arabella's eyes widened when she saw her...Lily thought that she must look terrible. Disregarding this for the moment, her eyes scanned the room as she asked,
"Where's...where's James?"
Arabella glanced at the sink and then went to retrieve Lily's books as she replied, "He came to get me. He said you were in here, and that you needed me. What happened? I looked for you after class, but you were gone."
Lily didn't answer right away...she was lost in thought. He'd gone to get Arabella. He'd said he didn't want to leave her alone...and she'd told him she wanted him to leave. She supposed...it was the only thing he could think to do for her. She realized with a slight start that Arabella was still waiting for a response.
"Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing."
"That's the biggest lie you've ever told me. Something bloody well happened in that class."
"No, I mean it...when I say nothing happened, I mean nothing happened. I just...got reminded of something, that's all. Sometimes I just get...set off. I...my emotions aren't as strong as they used to be."
It hurt Lily to admit this out loud. Bella's brow furrowed as she said, "And you think you're weak because of it, is that it?"
Lily shrugged, and Bella sighed and put her hand on Lily's back, guiding her out of the bathroom as she replied, "Well, I could tell you it's not true, but you wouldn't listen to me anyway."
A moment later, Arabella asked, "Was it something he said?"
Lily shook her head again. "No. He just...saw that I was upset. He wanted to help."
Lily felt somehow that it was the wrong moment to tell Arabella that he'd chased her into the girls bathroom and locked the door behind him. Bella didn't seem to see the hole in the story and asked, "Why?"
Lily shrugged uncomfortably at the reminder of another encounter with James she'd kept from Bella. She had no intention of sharing it now. "I don't know. I guess he wanted to try for a clean slate."
Bella snorted and said, "A clean slate? Between you two? That's a joke. Your "slate" is way beyond cleaning. Like...smashed into a million pieces. Probably over his hard head. What's so funny?"
Lily shook her head and her faint smile faded as she replied, "Nothing...you just reminded me of a book I used to love. Anyway, could we drop it, please?"
"Alright, fine. I hate this, though."
"Hate what?"
"Never knowing the details."
Lily glanced over at Arabella and replied with a wan smile, "How about I just let you borrow the book, then?"
Bella looked back at her with a straight face, and Lily grew serious again and said, "Sorry...I know. I know you hate it."
"No," Bella cut in with a sigh, "That's alright. I know that one day, it'll all be explained. I just hope it happens in this life."
Lily linked her arm through Bella's in reply, and they continued silently on toward Gryffindor Tower, each lost in her own thoughts.
To Be Continued in Chapter Seven
More Fic by Emmyjean at
The Hidden Tower
www.thehiddentower.net