TITLE: "Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean (emmyjeanbyahoo.com)
CLASSIFICATION: J/L
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: The long journey of James Potter and Lily Evans over the course of their last year at Hogwarts.
DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This started as mere speculation and developed, over the course of MANY drafts, into a full-flegded story. I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter Seven
Lily didn't sleep much that night, which wasn't a foreign situation to her but it seemed more damaging this time all the same. She wasn't even trying to sleep...she merely lay there, staring out the window at the small slice of the night sky of which she was afforded a glimpse from her position in bed. The moon was bright as it illuminated the dorm, and she wished that she could go out walking underneath it. People used to think that staring at the moon brought insanity...but to Lily, the soft orb was and always had been a calming influence. She buried her face further into her pillow as she remembered how she used to lie in her bed at home, staring at it through the dark branches of the magnolia tree outside her window.
She closed her eyes briefly as she thought once again about Petunia. The more time passed since the day she'd found out about their parents, the sharper and more painful her need for her sister became. She needed to speak with her...Lily knew that she would listen. She had to...they had no one else but each other now. Petunia had never understood about the wizarding world...but who could blame her? How can someone understand something they're not allowed to be a part of...something they're not really even allowed to see with their own eyes?
She had never even seen Hogwarts.
Turning onto her back, Lily grappled with the urge to simply run away. What was magical ability worth if she was going to be alone in the world? Images flashed through her mind...of class, of the Great Hall...a pang of homesickness hit her at the idea of not having any of it anymore.
But she wouldn't have it after this year was over, anyway, she thought grimly. Where was she to go after that?
More thoughts drifted in and out of her head...of the castle grounds, and of all the professors. Of Arabella. James...
Her eyes closed again as she thought of him, and the urge to escape coarsed through her with renewed force. She didn't know what she was going to say to him...but she had to say something. She could see now how horribly she'd been treating him...and she'd never been one to hold grudges. She'd acted unfairly and had refused all of his attempts at reconciliation...and it made her want to be sick when she thought of it. When she thought of how he'd acted in that bathroom...how his only intent had been to help her somehow.
Turning over, she resolved that running wasn't an option this time. She would have to speak with him as soon as she could...the very next time she saw him.
She bit her lip as she looked around the Great Hall, trying to spot either him or any of his friends. She didn't know exactly what she would say to him if she did see him...or even if she'd say anything at all. Last night had been the second time James Potter had seen her at her lowest point, and she didn't quite know how to approach him anymore. Not that she ever had, but...somehow, this was different.
The first time, she'd been convinced that the only way to handle it was to act as though nothing had happened. Not only had this tactic failed miserably, but for some reason, she didn't feel as though that was what she wanted this time. She felt less...embarrassed. Less vulnerable. He didn't know how it was possible that another incident would minimize her fear of appearing weak, especially to him, but...it had. Perhaps it was the way he'd spoken to her in that bathroom...or the way he handled it. It was as though he'd known exactly what she needed in that moment, and he'd done everything he could to give it to her...even if it wasn't his help she needed.
She thought about it all day, every time she looked at him in class. He, for his part, seemed to be avoiding looking in her direction. Obviously, he was taking his cue from what she'd said she wanted last time, after that night in the common room...he was leaving her completely alone.
Lily didn't know what she wanted from him...but she knew that it wasn't this. This couldn't go on.
After dinner, they had a meeting in McGonagall's office. It seemed horribly awkward, although Lily doubted the professor noticed anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps it was just her own mind playing tricks on her...but something about his demeanor, his tone of voice...she scarcely believed it, but it was clear that he was somehow...hurt. Then again, as the past few weeks were clearly demonstrating, perhaps she hadn't known him as well as she'd thought at the beginning of the year. So much had changed since then.
"Oh, one more thing before you go," McGonagall called out at the end of the meeting, as they were about to walk out the door, "I want one or both of you to clear out the north tower balcony again tonight. It's getting out of hand."
There was a pause, and then James said quietly, "I'll do it."
McGonagall looked at him and added, "I want you to go up there late...eleven or so. It seems to be the busiest time. Don't just go up and come right back down, either...I want you to stay there for awhile and catch people coming in. Understood?"
He nodded, and Lily followed him out of the office. Once in the corridor, James said, "I'll just go. You don't have to bother with it."
She was about to offer to go with him, but something in his eyes stopped her. She knew he wasn't angry at her, but he seemed somehow resolved. He didn't want her to offer...he would think she was doing it because she thought she owed it to him. So, she simply nodded her head in weak agreement, and then they went their separate ways.
By the time that evening came around, however, she felt weighed down by the feeling of guilt that wracked her. Bella finally threw down her gobstones in frustration and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you, Lil? You're acting strange."
Lily looked at Bella and opened her mouth to deny that anything was bothering her, but instead sighed and pressed a hand to her forehead. "I don't know. I'm just reflecting on how I've...changed."
"Changed?"
Lily nodded and threw her own gobstones on the table next to Bella's. "For the worse, I'm afraid."
Bella frowned. "Changed for the worse? What are you talking about?"
"Don't tell me you haven't noticed," Lily challenged mildly, looking Arabella in the eye, "How I've been treating everyone like dirt, including myself. How I've been acting like I belong in a madhouse, I'm so paranoid about every little..."
"Lily," Bella interrupted quietly, "You've been through some rough times. Stop being so hard on yourself."
Lily shook her head slowly, rolling the gobstones in her hand and staring at them as though they held the key to everything. Taking a breath, she replied, "Everyone goes through rough times, Bella. It's the way life is...but it doesn't give someone the right to treat other people badly."
"What?" Bella asked, confused, "Who have you been treating badly?"
Lily didn't respond, but looked across the room as James Potter stood up and grabbed his cloak, heading for the portrait hole. Arabella swiveled in her chair to see what Lily was looking at, and then turned back to face her with comprehension in her eyes.
"He wasn't exactly a prince to you before, you know."
Lily turned her eyes back to her friend, who was looking at her in all earnestness. She knew Bella still held a grudge against James for everything that had happened before her parents died, but then again, Bella was all for Lily. She didn't care what else had been happening at the time...in her mind, Lily was the one to stand up for. Lily herself knew deep down that she had made up at least half of the unpleasantness that had existed between them then...and she created every last bit of what was strained between them now. She had become afraid...she didn't know of what, exactly, but it was a general fear that consumed her at every moment of every day. Fear of being hurt, she supposed, coupled with fear of being seen as vulnerable...and as a result, she was making herself look weaker than she knew she was.
She didn't want this. She needed to overcome it...for herself, and also for those she was indirectly and unjustly punishing. Standing up suddenly, she muttered some parting words to Arabella and ran to the portrait hole through which James had just left. It swung open, and as she stepped out into the corridor, she could see him walking at the far end of the passage, just about to turn the corner.
"James!" she called, and he turned. Even from this distance, she could see his surprise. She hurried to catch up with him, and his black brows furrowed as she drew nearer.
"What is it?" he asked, concern tinting his tone. She hesitated for only a moment before replying,
"I thought I'd go with you."
He didn't say anything for a moment, but his eyes betrayed his conflicting thoughts. "No...it's alright. You don't have to..."
"I'd like to, if you don't mind," she interrupted. He shut his mouth, and then simply nodded a concession as they began walking toward the staircase. Lily had planned what she was going to say to him as she ran over, but now that she was actually walking beside him she forgot everything. She knew she wanted to apologize, but she also knew he wouldn't accept an apology. She wanted to set the record straight, to thank him properly for everything he had done for her...she wanted to accomplish a lot of things. She simply didn't have any idea where to begin. As the awkward silence stretched on, she knew she had to say something, and decided to start small and work her way to a comfortable place from there.
"Um," she ventured, and her voice sounded like a whipcrack in the oppresive silence, "I, uh...I never did get to tell you about my exam."
His step faltered almost imperceptibly, and there was a brief silence before he asked confusedly, "Sorry?"
She prayed that this wasn't the most idiotic thing she had ever done, as she couldn't think of anything else to say at the moment. She wanted to make up for her previously cold attitude, and this seemed like it might work. She needed to start small...she didn't want to just blurt everything out. Taking a small breath, she continued, "You...you asked about my arithmancy exam the other day?"
"Oh," he said in a low voice, "Oh...yeah. That's right."
She wondered briefly if he even truly cared about her stupid exam or if he had merely been asking to be polite...but the brief memory of the look on his face when she had spilled her worries to Arabella in class after having brushed him off was enough to keep her talking.
"Well, I was a bit preoccupied when you asked before...sorry about that," she said quickly, then went on in something of a rush, "The truth is, it was absolutely horrible."
She paused to give him a chance to either end the conversation or encourage her to continue, thinking that she could at least give him the choice. After a second, he responded, "It was horrible?"
This was enough. She proceeded to tell him all about her troubles with Professor Abernathy, and she didn't even really care for once that she was rambling. She figured anything was better than stony silence, and besides, it eased what would otherwise have been an awkward walk to the north tower. She never looked at him...she was afraid of what she'd see if she looked him in the face.
"Anyway," she finished as they climbed the last staircase leading to the balcony, "Do you think that was wrong of me, to question her? I mean, it's not as if I did it in front of the whole class...and shouldn't I be allowed to ask questions? Or...I don't know, what would you have done?"
There was a short silence, and she thought for a brief moment that he hadn't been listening to her at all and wasn't aware that she had asked him anything. Just as she was about to repeat herself, he said quietly,
"I wouldn't have taken arithmancy."
She shot her gaze up to his face, and found that he was looking at her with a definite twinkle in his hazel eyes. He was teasing her. Relief flooded through her veins with surprising force, making her feel warm in the face. Perhaps she didn't have to drag everything up again...perhaps it was enough just to show him that she wanted to move forward. Perhaps he didn't want to talk about everything, either.
They finally got to the door, and she discovered that she didn't want to go through first. This was her least favorite duty of Head Girl, and she had usually let him do it in the past. He seemed to enjoy it. He noticed her hesitation and went through the door ahead of her. All she could see in front of her was his back, and before she could even look around she heard surprised gasps from a few feet away.
"Come on," James said, "You know the risks of coming here...everyone does. That's ten points from Hufflepuff, and have a lovely evening!"
Lily smiled discreetly...he truly did enjoy this. As they walked around the length of the balcony, which wrapped all the way around the tower, she didn't have to say a word...he did everything himself.
"Jones," he called to one older-looking Ravenclaw boy, "Didn't I catch you here last time? With a different person?"
The boy turned red, as did his girlfriend. Lily stifled a giggle as they walked swiftly past them. James turned to look at her, and she shot him a disapproving look. "Really nice."
He shrugged and replied, "He's a self-important prat. Otherwise I wouldn't have said it."
They turned the last corner to find one more couple, huddled behind a statue. James shook his head and said, "Allman...guess what?"
The boy, Christopher Allman, stepped out from behind the statue with a dissheveled-looking Hufflepuff girl. Lily recognized him as a sixth-year Gryffindor, and he gave her a polite smile when he saw her. She smiled back, arching an eyebrow at his grace-under-pressure.
"Aww...come on, Potter."
James quirked a brow of his own and replied, "No points, but only this time. Go and find yourself an empty classroom."
Chris grinned at them, then took his girl by the hand and dragged her behind him inside the tower. Lily looked around, then commented, "Is that all?"
James glanced about as well, then nodded. "I guess so...but we have to stay here."
"Yeah," Lily confirmed, recalling what McGonagall had said that afternoon. She sighed as she walked over to a nearby ledge and gingerly perched on it's edge. She looked up at him then, and found him looking back at her with a pensive look on his face...even slightly perplexed. He quickly averted his gaze to the mountains beyond the castle grounds as their eyes met, but not quickly enough to prevent cold realization from washing over Lily. She didn't have a choice...she had to talk to him. Really talk to him. She owed him that much. Swallowing the clog in her throat, she said softly,
"James."
He returned his eyes to her face, and she could see in the dim light that his expression was expectant...and slightly nervous. Taking a breath, she began, "I wanted to...thank you."
He shook his head immediately. "There's no need. Really."
"No, there is," she contradicted, her voice coming out stronger now, "You've been nothing but considerate and..."
"Look, please don't do this," he interrupted firmly, "I don't want gratitude from you."
She must have looked a bit thunderstruck at his unexpectedly virulent tone because one look at her face and he hastened to explain himself further.
"I don't...I never expected anything from you. I've been feeling like a prat ever since that day...outside the Great Hall. You didn't want coddling, and you certainly didn't need a fight. I should have known both those things."
"James..."
"Really, Lily," he said, taking a step closer to her as he softened his voice, "I don't want you to apologize."
She briefly contemplated ignoring his protesting and insisting on the apology, but she could see that it would make him uncomfortable. Perhaps even angry. If this was what he wanted from her, then it was the least she could do. After all...he had never pushed her. Not in front of the fire in the common room, and not in the bathroom. She would give him the same respect.
Nodding, she decided to just let silence reign for a moment instead of making inane small talk. Reaching into her robes, she took out the book she had brought up here with her...she had grabbed it as she was rushing out of the common room. Her thought was that if the 'breaking the ice' plan with James hadn't worked, she would at least be spared from sitting in uncomfortable silence the entire time – but she really did need to get some reading done. This book was due back at the library in a couple of days, and she wasn't even halfway finished.
"Which one is that?"
She looked up to find James lounging on the stone bench across the way, and he inclined his head at the book in her hand. She glanced at it and replied, "Oh...it's called, "Chinese Charmwork – A Cultural Guide". It's really very interesting to compare the historical development of magical techniques over the centuries, and how they're seperated by geographical influences. I've found that it's very helpful to..."
She broke off, checking herself sternly. She would not go into a long, rambling speech about all this, as she tended to do with Arabella and Helen all the time. It was a dangerous thing, to ask her about her newfound quest in defense charms – she often lost track of herself. Shrugging sheepishly at him, she said, "I'm sure you didn't need that much information...sorry. I tend to get carried away when people ask me about these things."
He raised his eyebrows and replied simply, "I wouldn't have asked at all if I wasn't interested."
She regarded him for a moment, trying to gauge his seriousness. It occurred to her that he might be asking about this because he still harbored some sort of guilt complex, but decided that she simply wasn't going to think about that anymore. From now on, she was just going to work with what he showed her...not assumptions that she made about his motives. That not only went for him, but everyone else as well.
"I s'pose not," she conceeded after a moment, "I just wouldn't want to bore you."
He smiled slightly, and then asked, "Have I ever hesitated to inform someone if they're boring me?"
Lily smiled back and replied, "Well...not as far as I've seen."
James nodded his head and stood up, walking over to where she was sitting to stand beside her. Looking out over the grounds, he replied, "So...if you were, I would. Tell you, I mean."
She bit her lip as she looked at his profile. "I um...if you did tell me I was boring you..."
He turned his head and looked at her, and she was surprised suddenly by how warm his hazel eyes seemed as they regarded her. She somehow couldn't quite understand how she had always found them so cold before. Looking back down at her lap, she said, "I promise...I won't be offended."
He didn't say anything for a moment, and when she turned to look at him again he was still watching her. He looked away quickly, stepping back and running his eyes over the wall she was sitting on as he replied, "You won't?"
There was a brief silence, and then she replied, "I'm just saying...I'll make an effort not to be. From now on."
His gaze shot back up to hers and, after a moment, he said, "That's good enough for me."
She felt an odd sensation in her stomach...it was a strange amalgamation that felt something like joy and nervousness at the same time. They were finally coming to an understanding. She cleared her throat and said simply, "Well...there it is, then."
He nodded slightly, and then went back to perusing the wall. She wondered briefly what he was looking at, and then remembered all the carved names that were covering the stone. Not wanting to stop the conversation just yet, she asked, "Anyone interesting?"
He looked up and let out a laugh, "No...no surprises yet. Just people I figured would be up here...look. Here's Mark Reiley up here five times."
"Five?" Lily repeated, craning her neck so that she could see without leaving her perch.
"With five different girls, too."
She laughed at this, and he along with her. They spent a few minutes reading names off the wall and laughing about them...from the obvious to the unlikely. He shook his head finally and commented, "You know...I never understood this."
"What?"
"This," he replied, gesturing to the wall, "Writing your name on the wall. What's the point?"
She shrugged and replied, "It's just evidence that you broke school rules by being here."
He quirked a brow at her and said teasingly, "How did I know you'd say something like that? But really, it's just...why would you want to set something in stone like that? I never..."
He stopped, narrowing his eyes at something on the wall behind the Cupid statue on her right.
"What?" Lily asked, "Who is it?"
He inched a bit closer to the stone, his eyes widening a bit behind his glasses.
"Arabella Figg and Lily Evans were here?" he read incredulously, and Lily felt her cheeks burn as she was hit with the realization that this was indeed the same statue they had hid behind that one evening. She grew even more embarrased at the memory of from what – or rather, whom – they had been hiding. James, meanwhile, was looking at her with an expression of laughing disbelief on his face.
"You have to tell, now."
Lily grimaced as she replied, "Oh, it's so silly...that happened months ago."
"The sillier the better," he replied, leaping up to sit beside her on the ledge. It made her feel slightly uncomfortable, but she hid it in the interest of patching things up. Rolling her eyes, she relented.
"Alright...but it doesn't leave this balcony."
He shook his head gravely, and she smiled a bit as she explained. He asked for it.
"Well, it was all because Arabella made this bet with this girl...anyway, we had to come up here and see for sure whether this girl was here or not. She wasn't, and..." Lily broke off, trying to decide how to say this properly.
"Yes?" James prompted impatiently.
"Well...before we could get out of here, a couple came up to...whatever they do up here, and we got stuck. We hid behind that statue for about an hour, and...well, I didn't do it."
James was laughing, and Lily could feel herself getting caught up in his good humor. His laugh was contagious. He took a breath and asked, "You do know that'll never come off, right?"
Lily sighed and replied, "Yes...I know. Like I said...I didn't write it. Bella did."
"Yeah, okay...but having your name up on this wall is just proof that you were up here in direct violation of school rules. I should probably take points."
She let out a huff of laughter and replied, "Just try it. Go on."
He grinned broadly and replied, "Nah...I'll let it go this once. On one condition..."
Lily looked at him and asked, her eyebrows up, "Which is?"
Even though she hadn't thought it possible, his grin broadened as he demanded, "Tell me who it was that you were hiding from that night."
She blanched...this was exactly what she had been trying to avoid. How had she managed to lose control of the conversation? Looking back down at her book in case she was turning pink, she replied sternly, "Absolutely not."
"Why?"
"Because," she said, praying he would drop it but not really expecting he would, "It would be breaking a confidence...I can't do that."
"Oh, come on," he persisted, leaning forward a little to try and catch her downcast eyes, "They deserve it...they were the ones that snuck up here. Besides, they'll never know."
"No."
"Lily," he said in a persuasive voice, "You know you want to tell...I can see it all over your face. Besides, I'm not going to let up until you do...and you have almost all of your classes with me, so you might want to consider that a potent threat."
She looked up at him and found his eyes twinkling playfully...he was having too good a time taunting her. She suddenly changed her mind about telling him who it was...she had been adamant that she wouldn't and was just cursing herself for starting the conversation at all, but now she thought maybe she'd give him a taste of his own medicine. He wasn't the only one who could play with blackmail. Smiling slightly, she asked,
"You really want to know, eh?"
He nodded slowly, holding the challenge in her gaze. She went on, "Alright, I'll tell you who the girl was...but you'll have to figure out the boy on your own."
His eyes lit up momentarily and he replied, "Even better. This happened...what, in late October?"
She nodded, and he smirked at her. "Don't think I won't guess it, Evans. I'm very good at that kind of thing."
She looked back down at her book and replied cryptically, "I'll bet."
Hopping off the ledge, she took a few light steps away from him, pretending to be engrossed in her book. Keeping her face neutral, she said clearly, "Carmelina Thompson."
There was a pause in which she assumed he was putting two and two together in his head. She bit her lip to keep from laughing as she waited for him to say something...but he didn't. After a moment, she looked up to find him immobile, staring blankly at the ground near her feet with the oddest expression on his face. He didn't exactly look shocked...but he definitely wasn't smiling. He didn't find it funny. She felt a sinking feeling in her stomach as she realized she must have made him angry...perhaps it couldn't be avoided. She closed her book, keeping her page with her finger, and ventured hesitantly,
"James?"
He swallowed and asked quietly, "Why didn't you say anything?"
"Sorry?" she asked. He surely couldn't mean to say she should have told him about this before if she didn't have to.
"I mean...you didn't have to sit there all that time."
He wasn't saying it in an accusatory manner...it was almost like he was sorry for making her wait, which was ridiculous. He seemed mortified, and that wasn't what she had wanted or expected. Embarrased, a little chagrined perhaps...not mortified. She shook her head and tried to make light of it, thinking that she didn't want to ruin the feeling of comraderie they had managed to achieve over the past hour or so. "Well...I didn't think it would go over very well, under the circumstances."
Rather than laugh or even smile looked up at her and held her gaze steadily. "That was before...before everything changed."
He was completely serious. She stopped smiling and nodded slowly, casting her eyes down to stare at the names on the wall below where he was sitting. After a moment, he went on,
"Where did we go wrong? I mean...when did we get off on the wrong foot?"
She was surprised at the question, but thought about it for a minute. "I don't know...I think it was just a matter of conflicting personalities, actually. We were never friends."
He sighed, and replied, "Yeah...much to my constant annoyance. I fancied you, then. Remember?"
She could feel her face coloring...she'd forgotten all about that. Laughing shortly, she replied, "Yeah...I remember."
He smiled wryly at himself, and then said quietly, "Then there was that one night, fifth year...with that fire."
She cringed thinking about that night...it had been one of the worst of her young life. Before she could say anything, he continued, "I always resented you for going to McGonagall about it, but now I see that I was truly the one at fault. You had every right to report that. I only wish I was that responsible."
She looked him in the eye now, and he was looking right back at her. It was almost as if he was making a confession or something...and she found that she had yet another thing to be guilty for as she looked back on that night. She thought briefly about all the times she had accused him of taking his duties lightly, of being a lax Head Boy...she regretted saying it now, as it had apparently had more of an effect that she'd thought. Taking a breath, not certain that this was a good time to bring this out into the open, she nevertheless said,
"There's something else you don't know about that night, though." He raised his eyebrows slightly without breaking eye contact, and she admitted, "I never told McGonagall about that fire."
He frowned at this, and then asked, "Then how did she find out?"
"She found out from Madam Pomfrey."
James looked at her as though he thought she was going mad for a moment, he was so utterly confused. She suddenly realized how silly it was that he didn't know this already, and before he could ask her to elaborate she clarified, "When the curtains came down off the rods, they fell right on my arm. I...I got something of a bad burn, and had to go to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let me leave until I told her how I got it, and so I had to say it. She knew already, anyway...but I didn't give her names. She must have told McGonagall before I was even out of the room, because the professor was in the common room by the time I got back that night."
He just stared at her. She swallowed nervously, wondering if he was angry, wishing he'd say something. After a moment, he did.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
She shrugged slowly. "I really don't know. I guess I...I was rebelling. I didn't think you deserved to know if you didn't bother to ask."
He looked down at the ground then, his brow furrowed in concentration. She couldn't stand the silence and blurted, "It was stupid...I realize that now. I should have told you straight away."
He shook his head and responded, "No...no, you were right. I should have asked for the whole story before making accusations."
They were silent for a moment, and then he looked up at her. There was great emotion in his eyes...veiled, and Lily couldn't tell in the darkness exactly what he was feeling. His voice was quiet as he said simply, "I'm sorry."
He meant it. She nodded in return and replied sincerely, "Me, too."
They looked at each other for a minute before Lily began to feel uncomfortable again. Shaking her head in an attempt to cast off the gloom, she said lightly, "Such a waste, isn't it? I mean, it could have prevented a whole lot of things. If we hadn't been so filled with self-righteous indignation, we could have gotten to know each other enough to dispel a lot of assumptions."
She smiled a little, and he nodded. "Yeah...I know."
After a brief pause, he said idly, "You know why I hated you?"
She shook her head, a bit taken aback by his bluntness. It was true, of course...they had hated each other. He explained in a low voice, "I think it started before the fire incident, but that solidified it for me. I used to think you were the most stuck-up, swotty, snobbish girl I'd ever met."
He glanced up at her to take the edge away from what he was saying, his eyes friendly. She smiled and replied, "Well...you probably weren't too far off with some of those."
"Oh, yes I was," he said softly, and she felt the odd feeling in the pit of her stomach again. She was so relieved that they were making such progress. He went on, "It was just because I liked you so much, and you wouldn't give me the time of day, and I just didn't get it. I was a complete arse."
She laughed and said, "You weren't the only one, you know. I don't even want to say what I thought you were."
"Do it anyway," he said, coming down off the ledge and walking closer to her, "It's theraputic."
She smiled hesitantly and looked at the now-closed book in her hands as she replied, "I don't know. I guess I just thought you were a...prat. I didn't like the attitude you took with your responsibilities as Head Boy...but only because I was so uptight about the whole thing."
"No...you weren't."
"Yes, I was," she insisted, knowing he was being overly forgiving with her now, "I took the position entirely too seriously."
"You were right, though...I was too lenient," he said, and she shook her head.
"Then we were both at fault."
There was a momentary lapse in the conversation, and then James said, "I was terrible to you, wasn't I?"
She opened her mouth to lessen the truth behind it, but he held up a hand and went on, "I know I was...you don't have to say it. I really regret a lot of the things I said, now. I guess...I suppose it was a defense mechanism. You were always criticizing my way of doing things, and deep down I knew you were mostly justified. Rather than admit it to myself, I simply proceeded to try and tear your self-esteem to shreds."
She looked up to find him looking at her earnestly, with guilt tainting his expression. She shook her head and replied, "You don't have to apologize."
He laughed humorlessly and retorted, "Yes, I do. Mostly just to ease my own guilt."
She looked back down at the ground...he did still feel horribly guilty. He was in the process of clearing his conscience, as she had thought. Before she could reply, however, he added, "But that's not the only reason. I really don't want it to be awkward between us anymore...I feel like we should just let it go, once and for all. I'd like to...," he paused, and then finished, "I'd like things to be different."
She took a few steps away from him, suddenly feeling like she needed space. She went to the ledge and looked out over the Hogwarts grounds...it really was a lovely night. She could see the black outlines of the forest trees against the night sky, and the moonlight reflected off the lake. After a moment, she said, "I shouldn't have been so critical. I had no right...and I wasn't justified. Not at all. You're..."
She looked over her shoulder at him then, and found him standing with his hands in the pockets of his cloak. She smiled a small smile and finished, "You're not who I thought you were."
Turning back to look at the Quidditch field in the distance, she watched the flags ripple in the cool breeze. It was just nearing the end of March now, and she could smell spring in the air already. It was unseasonably warm. She heard footsteps behind her, and soon James was standing beside her at the ledge. They stayed quiet for a moment, thinking their own thoughts, until finally he said softly,
"I guess we were both pleasantly surprised, then."
She couldn't remember feeling this much relief in a long time...it was as if it was the first thing that had gone right for her in months. As they stood there, she thought about how odd it was that she was able to feel so at ease with him after only an hour or so of decent conversation. She surprised even herself at how willing she was to open up to him, and how much she had ended up revealing about herself. He made her feel that she could trust him, which was something she never would have dreamed possible.
Perhaps she could be his friend. She turned to glance at him, and found him already looking at her. She asked, "What time is it?"
He looked down at his watch, then a smile crept across his face as he replied, "It's one o'clock."
She jumped at the response and exclaimed, "In the morning!?"
He nodded, and she pushed herself away from the stone railing and headed for the door. "We've been out here for two hours! We should be getting back...this doesn't look good."
"Doesn't look good?" he repeated, following her. She shook her head and felt her cheeks get warm – that hadn't come out sounding right.
"You know what I mean...we were supposed to be clearing the place out, and then we stay up here talking for two hours? It's not exactly fair."
Upon saying this, she dropped her book. Bending quickly to pick it up, she straighened and found him ahead of her. Following his lead now, she almost crashed into his back as he stopped abruptly in the doorway.
"Callahan," James said, annoyed, "What do you think you're doing? It's one o'clock in the bloody morning!"
Lily tried to see over his shoulder, but he was too tall. She assumed he was talking to a student who had just shown up, and then she heard the boy's voice answer sarcastically, "Right, Potter...as if you're any better. Head Boy or not...I'm sure you got your time's worth up here, as usual."
Lily saw James' back stiffen dangerously, and before he had a chance to reply she sidestepped him and made herself known. The boy – George Callahan – went pale when he recognized her in the darkness.
"Oh...Lily. I, uh...I didn't see you..."
"You know," she said, "We wouldn't have to be here at all if it weren't for people like you who insist on coming up here against school policy. Now, shall I walk you down or can you find your own way back?"
He turned red now, and glanced at the disappointed-looking girl he was with as he replied, "No...we're going. Come on."
Once they were gone, she turned and smiled at James. "It's a good thing we did stay up here, I suppose...it wasn't a total waste."
But James didn't seem all that enthusiastic...he looked extremely uneasy. "Um...sorry about that. He didn't know what he was talking about."
He was taking it with less humor than she would have expected – perhaps he thought she was offended. She smiled and replied, "Oh...don't worry about it. We really should go, though...it's late."
He looked at her for a moment, then nodded. They walked back to the common room in relative silence, as if the conversation they had just had had worn them both out. For once, however, it was a comfortable silence that Lily didn't feel the need to fill. She once again marvelled at how easy it was to be his friend...if that was indeed what she was becoming.
She woke up groggily the next morning to Arabella shaking her shoulder.
"Come on...time to get up."
Lily lifted her head from the pillow and threw a look out the window at the overcast sky. It looked like it was raining. "What, already?"
Bella smirked and replied, "Yeah, already. We don't want another episode like we had last week, do we?"
Lily rolled her eyes and threw off her covers. Standing, she grabbed her uniform and robes and headed for the showers. Once they were all dressed, they went down to the Hall for breakfast. For the first time in days, Lily didn't have a nervous stomach and actually found herself to be hungry. As they walked to a spot at the table that was clear, they passed James and his friends. He looked up at Lily as she passed and gave her a small wave. She returned it with a small smile, and then almost slammed right into Bella as she stopped suddenly.
"Let's just sit here...end of the line," she said, seating herself on the bench at the very end of the table. Helen went to sit across from her, and Lily followed. After she sat down and was already eating a piece of toast, Bella asked, "So, you and Potter aren't at each others' throats anymore, I see?"
Lily shook her head and replied, "No. We're not."
Arabella said nothing, just nodded. Lily had to admit she felt better now that she and James had really talked, although the sight of him still pricked her conscience a bit as she was reminded of the way she had acted. She decided that it was past, however, and that she shouldn't dwell on it. Nor should she dwell on the fact that he still seemed preoccupied with her. Later, at lunch, she found herself hit with a strong fatigue, as usual. She picked at her food, trying to do something with her hands so that it would give her something to focus her attention on...but she couldn't fight it. Her eyelids felt like they were made of lead. As she heard the bell ring and stood up with everyone else, feeling groggy and unhappy, she wondered if this was ever going to end.
The following day was Sunday, and Lily spent it sitting in the library reading her newest book about charmwork. She had spent the last couple of days pouring over it, as it was one of the most interesting she had read yet. Truth be told, she was getting a bit worried, as she had read almost every volume in the charms section and quite a few from the defense shelves. What she was going to do when she was through them all, she didn't know...she didn't really like to think about it. Perhaps she'd ask Professor Flitwick to give her a bit of extra instruction outside of class...between that, Dumbledore's class, and her reading, she was bound to get a good and realistic feel for how the business of defense charms was carried out.
She smiled slightly to herself...she never thought she'd see the day when she would be using reading to pass time between other things. She reached to turn the page in her book when suddenly it was snatched from her hand. Looking up, startled, she found James standing there smirking at her. Lazily taking the seat across the table, he remarked,
"So this is what you've been doing all day. I was beginning to think you'd been expelled or something."
She smiled at him and replied, "Expelled? I should think I'd have to do something truly horrible to fall from being Head Girl to being kicked out.
He shrugged as he handed her back her book, his index finger still holding her place. "Nothing's impossible, right?"
She shook her head at him, and he smiled back at her. She had to admit that life progressed a lot easier with her newfound determination to refrain from analyzing everything that everybody did. She had learned quickly in the past couple of days that not everything was about her all the time, and she liked the feeling of freedom it allowed her. On top of that, she was quite enjoying the newfound comraderie she had with James Potter...she found they truly seemed to enjoy each others' company. It made her wonder constantly why they hadn't settled things years ago.
"What are you doing in here?" she asked him as she marked her page with a scrap of paper. He frowned, glanced around, and replied,
"I don't know...I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. I was looking for food."
She laughed...which she had been doing much more lately. Shooting him a look, she commented, "Hmm...yeah, you took the wrong staircase. Better hurry, too...I heard they're serving pot pie for lunch."
He regarded her for a moment, then asked, "You haven't eaten?"
She shook her head in the negative, and he invited, "Want to walk down with me?"
She hesitated for a moment...she was planning on trying to catch a half hour of sleep, as she still wasn't over her insomnia. He seemed to read her mind and declared, "You're not going back to the Tower."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not?"
"No," he said flatly and stood up, "And come to think of it, I think we should start having the points meetings over lunch instead of in the evenings."
"Why?" she asked, indignation creeping into her voice despite her best efforts to quell it. He seemed unconcerned as he replied,
"Because you can't sleep through lunch every day."
She stared at him for a moment, then released the breath she'd been holding and shook her head. "Well...that's fine, but that's only one day a week. What about the other four days of the work week?"
He shot her a look and replied, "Maybe I'll suddenly get really strict with people. Triple the number of points I give out."
She smiled and said, "But only to members of other houses, of course."
He grinned at her. "Well...I can't help it if Gryffindors are perfect."
Lily laughed and conceeded, "Just let me get my things together."
He waited in silence as she threw her books into her bag, and then she stood up. As they were walking out of the library, he asked, "Where are your friends?"
She shrugged and replied, "Probably off somewhere talking about what a bore I am."
"You?" he repeated, laughing, "Why?"
She arched an eyebrow at him and replied, "What do you mean, 'why'? Because I've spent the last two days in the library reading when there were plenty of other things to do. Plus, I sleep through lunch...that's what a bore I am. Now you can pass judgement accordingly."
Chuckling, he decided, "Nah...I think I'd better not at this point."
They walked in silence for a moment before he spoke again. "So...the book's that good, huh?"
She nodded enthusiastically and replied, "Oh, yes...the chapters fly by. Or, they seem to while you're reading, anyway."
"Are defense charms more complicated than regular charms, or is it just a matter of a different type?" he inquired. She felt her stomach do an excited little jump...no one had ever asked her about this before. She would love to have someone to talk about it with, but it seemed none of her friends felt qualified to ask...well, except Bella, but she couldn't burden her with everything.
"It depends on the charm, but the main reason they aren't available to the general public is due to their power...you have to be specially trained."
He nodded thoughtfully, then asked, "So, none of these books actually tell you how to do any of these charms?"
She shook her head, and he blew out a breath before declaring, "I don't think I could live with that. I'd have to figure out how to perform some of them."
She smiled and said, "Well...you'd probably get expelled."
He glanced at her and smiled a bit cryptically. "You'd be surprised what rules you can break without getting expelled."
"I would hope I'd be surprised...but I'm beginning to think I wouldn't. Anyway, it's not a matter of what rules are broken...it's whether or not you can avoid getting caught."
His smile spread into a sly grin. "Ah...that's where the skill's involved. That's where I excel."
She laughed and replied, "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."
"Thanks."
They turned the corner and went through the Great Hall doors. Lily glanced around to find that Arabella and Helen weren't there yet, but Remus Lupin was sitting at the table waiting. He looked up and smiled pleasantly as he saw them approaching. Lily took a seat a little ways down from where he was sitting, and James slowed a bit as he glanced across the table at her. To her slight surprise, he straddled the bench across from her and started searching through his bag for something.
"I just remembered...I have a note to give you from McGonagall."
"Oh?" Lily asked, her eyebrows shooting up, "What is it?"
He sent her a look and shook his head as he replied, "Don't worry - I think it's just a list of things she wants us to get done before the end of the month...I got one, too."
She nodded, and he handed her a roll of parchment across the table. Before she could take it, he pulled it just out of her grasp and, with a smile, asked, "Where's my thank you?"
She shot him a mock glare and grabbed the parchment out of his hand. He laughed softly, and she said,
"Thanks alot. Now, don't you have people waiting for you?"
"I should think so." The voice came from right behind James, and Lily looked up in surprise to see that it was Arabella...but Arabella didn't look at all happy. She was regarding James coldly, her eyebrow arched. Something told Lily that this wasn't going to end well, but before she could say anything, Bella continued in a voice dripping with disdain, "Now...you're in my seat."
Even the most horrible imbecile couldn't have missed the animosity in her tone, and Lily could feel herself going dark pink. James, for his part, didn't say anything...but after he got over his initial surprise at her sudden and harsh interruption, his eyes narrowed into dangerous slits as he matched Arabella's intense stare. Her eyebrows going up now, Arabella changed her expression to one of feigned unconcern.
"So," she said expectantly, "Goodbye."
If there had been a way to shut Arabella up without killing her, Lily would have done it. As it was, the damage was done...James looked as furious as Lily had ever seen him look. His jaw was set, and his brows were drawn together in a dark frown. The hate generated from each of them was palpable...but it wasn't a heated dislike. It was cold and unemotional, and more a battle of wills than anything else. She watched James closely...Arabella was a spitfire and occasional loudmouth, but Lily knew that James was more than a match for her in that regard. She had been on the receiving end of his razor-sharp tongue and quick-witted condescension too many times to count, and there was absolutely no doubt in her mind that if he wanted to, he could cut Arabella down...although it would be a close fight.
Instead, he remained stonily silent...and she knew that the only thing preventing him from responding the way he probably wanted to was his fear of offending Lily. If Bella had been anyone but Lily's best friend, she would have had her head bitten off by now. After what seemed like a million unbearable years, James stood...slowly, almost insolently, to his full height. Arabella didn't flinch. Finally breaking eye contact with her, he looked at Lily and his features visibly softened, although they remained tense.
"I'll see you later, okay?"
She nodded mutely, and watched uncomfotably as he walked away. As soon as he was sitting with his friends and well out of earshot, she leaned across the table and hissed, "Why did you do that?"
Arabella narrowed her eyes at Lily, obviously having expected a negative reaction of some kind. Leaning back slightly, almost as if she wanted Lily to have to raise her voice to be heard, she replied calmly, "I just don't want him to get too comfortable, that's all."
"All this work I've been doing in the past week to get this relationship to a place where we can at least be at ease around each other, and you're about to ruin the whole thing!"
Bella leaned in then until they were almost nose to nose over the table. "Relationship...is that what it is now? What are you...friends, all of a sudden? Look, I know what it's like to lose sight of reality when you're wrapped up in a situation...believe me, I do. I'll not have you taken advantage of...you're still really vulnerable, you know."
"What?" Lily repeated, unable to believe she was having this conversation. Bella arched an eyebrow at her and said,
"Well, you are."
Lily shook her head, "Look, thanks for looking out for me, but...well, leave me alone!"
Bella snorted, and Lily continued, "I know you don't like him, but you have to admit that he's been very good to me lately. Bella...come on. You can't deny that."
Bella rolled her eyes and glanced over at where James was sitting with his friends, and Lily could see grudging agreement in her blue eyes.
"So," Lily finally interrupted Arabella's thoughts, "Just leave him be, alright?"
Bella shrugged and stabbed her fork into a cherry tomato. "I just don't want him getting big ideas about himself, that's all. He has a big enough head without thinking that you need him desperately."
"He doesn't think that. Besides, I can take care of myself, Bella...I'm not made of glass, and you should know that, of all people."
Bella merely sat there studying her for a long time, and Lily didn't look away from her scrutiny. She needed Bella to be able to trust her to make her own decisions, to have faith in her when so many people didn't. If her best friend didn't believe in her ability to think rationally, then she didn't know how she would build enough confidence to face the world every day. Finally, Bella sighed.
"Alright...alright, fine. But I still don't like him."
Lily smiled. "That's alright. You don't have to like him."
They went through the rest of the day without incident, and despite Lily's worry, it didn't seem that James was holding any kind of grudge against her. He grinned at her on the way out of Charms, and she smiled back at him and shook her head, hoping he would take it as it was meant...as a kind of apology for what happened earlier. He gave her a little shrug to show her he took her meaning and that he wasn't angry...and left her to marvel at what was possible to communicate without words.
She turned at the familiar voice and found Professor Dumbledore standing not five feet away from her. He smiled, and she returned it. Every time she saw the headmaster now, she ws reminded of the day he persuaded her to get out of bed and meet the world once again after her parents died. She would be eternally grateful to him for it, and she didn't like to think about what might have happened if she had been allowed to go on in the state she was in for much longer.
"Yes, Professor?"
He beckoned to her and said quietly, "I wondered if you'd join me in my office for a moment before you go down to dinner. It won't take long."
She shrugged at Bella and Helen, and then followed him to the doorway to his office. When she walked inside, she found she had to take a calming breath. The sight of the room made her heartsore...the last time she was in here was when she had found out about her Mum and Dad. Swallowing hard, she walked up to Dumbledore's desk and stood, unsure of whether or not she should sit down. He walked to the other side of the desk and bent down, lifting something from the floor. Lily watched as he set a brown box in front of her, then stepped back and regarded her with soft eyes.
"Lily...I received this in the mail earlier this morning. It was accompanied by a note from your sister, explaining that it was intended for you. That I was to give it to you."
Lily started. For her?
"What is it, Professor?" she asked as she studied the box, even though it was closed. He shook his head slowly and replied,
"I don't know, Lily. I didn't open it, and the letter didn't explain further...I'm merely the messenger in this case."
"Oh, of course," she murmered, feeling silly. Why would Dumbledore want to open a package meant for her? She wondered briefly why Petunia had sent it to the school rather than just addressing it to her personally, but then she grimaced to herself as she realized it was probably to avoid a response on Lily's part. Pushing the thought away, she looked up at the Headmaster as though waiting for further instruction. He smiled slightly and said,
"I imagine you're eager to see what's inside. Go on...but don't forget to eat dinner. My sources tell me it's good tonight."
She smiled faintly and thanked him before she took the box and walked out of his office, her stomach churning at the thought of what might be inside. She had a fairly good idea about what it probably amounted to, but she was afraid of being correct. Wanting to open it without having to deal with the prying questions and staring eyes of anyone else, she carried the surprisingly lightweight parcel outside. It was a lovely April day, and the weather was just right for a picnic. Lily walked all the way out to her favorite reading tree and knelt beneath it, placing the box carefully in front of her. Taking another deep breath, she opened the top and peered inside.
It was exactly what she had thought it would be, and she felt her throat go dry as she plunged a shaking hand carefully inside. Her fingers encountered an envelope, and she opened it with wary eyes. It was from Petunia, and it contained a note and what looked to be quite a bit of money.
Here is your half of what the property and what was left of the furniture brought in. I've also sent along some of the things we were able to salvage that belonged to you – there's not much. Everything else is gone.
Petunia
Lily sighed, blinking back the stinging in her eyes...she knew her sister didn't expect a response. Pocketing the envelope for examination later, she reached into the box again. The first thing she pulled out was a frame...which just happened to have a picture in it. She turned it over and looked at the smiling faces, and they soon blurred as her eyes welled up with tears. Her mother stared up at her, her youthful face the epitome of contentment...and wrapped in her arms was Lily herself. She was still practically a baby in this picture...a chubby toddler with red curls. They were sitting on the rocking chair that had belonged to Lily's grandmother...she remembered rocking on that chair as she watched her Mum get dressed for the occasional dinner party. They would talk about various things, from birds to shoes to the ocean to Daddy. Mum would let her try on every piece of jewelry that was in her box, and Lily would pretend she was a grown-up movie star with ten strings of beads around her neck at once. Her mother would laugh...she had a musical laugh. Lily smiled just remembering it...she could almost hear it now, carried on the wind.
Setting the picture aside, she reached in again and pulled out a book...and this one had nothing to do with defense charms. It was the collection of fairy tales that had been her bedtime story staple for all her young life. The pages were yellowed and the cover was beaten and worn...but the pictures had somehow remained as vibrant as the day it was published. She flipped through, memories flooding back to her as she remembered lying between her parents on their big bed as they read to her and Petunia. Cinderella's dress, Snow White's apple, Jack's beanstalk...they were all there, illustrated in full color, exactly as she remembered them. She turned to the inside of the front cover, and read the inscription for what must have been the hundredth time in her life.
To Lily
We hope your life will always be filled with princes, palaces, and magic...and NO evil stepmothers!
Happy Birthday and Love Always,
Mum and Dad
She smiled and sniffed slightly...the message had never meant more than it did at this moment. She decided that before she read anything else about anything, she was going to read that book from cover to cover, starting when she got into bed that night. With that resolution in mind, she set the book carefully in the grass beside her and reached into the box again. This time, she retrieved something that had belonged to her father...a tie. It wasn't just any tie, but the tie that Lily had given him for Christmas when she was eight years old...and as she looked at it now, she realized it was the most atrocious thing she'd ever laid eyes on in her life. Laughing to herself, she recalled how Dad had put it on right over his pajamas...and he didn't remove it for the rest of the day. Not once...and he'd worn it to every family function for years after that, telling people proudly that a beautiful girl had given it to him. Then he'd wink at her, and she'd smile at their little inside joke. Intimidating as he sometimes was to other people, with his booming voice and large stature, she had never personally been able to see how anyone could fear him.
She sighed and gazed out at the lake for a moment, swiping lightly at the tears which now ran silently down her cheeks...the twinkle in his blue eyes had rivaled that of Dumbledore's. His eyes were always the last thing she saw before falling asleep at night, and it made her feel completely and utterly safe. She was never even afraid of the dark, knowing her father was sleeping in the next room. She closed her eyes and tried to picture them once again...and found that it was shockingly easy.
She couldn't believe they were gone. She still couldn't fully accept it...she hadn't seen a funeral. She hadn't been to a burial...she hadn't even been able to look upon the ruins of her house. It was all so surreal...and she couldn't help thinking wildly sometimes that perhaps it had all been a mistake. They would be there when she finally finished school, just as she always imagined they would be.
It was wishful thinking, and it was silly. She knew it...but she couldn't seem to talk herself out of thinking it sometimes. She sat out there with that box for what must have been hours, spending ample time examining every trinket, every piece of jewelry, every book, every picture. This smallish box was all she had left...and she cherished every single solitary thing in it. Finally, she looked up and realized suddenly that it was dark now...she had no idea what time it was. Sighing, she gathered everything carefully together and walked back to the light of the castle. When she got to the portrait hole, the Fat Lady scanned her face and asked,
"Are you alright, dear?"
Strangely, she felt better than she had in months. Stepping through the portrait hole, however, the feeling of optimism abruptly drained away...James and his friends were sitting at a table playing cards. They were the only ones in there. They looked up, and seemed quite taken aback to see her. James' eyes ran over her face, and she belatedly realized that she should have gone to the bathroom and washed herself up...she probably looked like she'd had a good cry. He frowned slightly and asked,
"Is everything okay?"
She decided she might as well dispel any notions the others might have about scattering and leaving her alone with James right then, so she gave what she hoped looked like a bright look and replied, "Yeah...everything's fine."
Hoisting the box up on her hip, she saw Sirius Black glance at it and decided it would be better if she just went to bed...but somehow, she couldn't bring herself to go up there. She knew Arabella was asleep, and she knew the dorm was dark and uninviting...at least to her. Looking awkwardly around, she chose a chair in the far corner of the room and went to it, thankful that she had the book she'd been reading to give her a reason to stay. In between bouts of reading it over the following hour or so, she listened inattentively to the progress of their game. After they had apparently lost most of their sickles to Remus, Sirius yawned loudly and said, "Enough...this is getting pathetic, now. I'm going to bed before I gamble away my entire savings."
Peter agreed, and Remus stood with a sly smile. "Quitter."
Sirius shot him a glare and growled, "Cheater."
"Bed," Peter reminded, heading off to the staircase. The other two followed...and soon Lily was left once again with James. Rather than following his friends upstairs, he walked right over to where she was sitting and sat himself down on a chair across from hers. She couldn't help feeling relieved as she smiled at him a bit awkwardly...she didn't want him to think she'd been waiting for him. She hadn't really...then again, wasn't this what she'd expected would happen if she stayed?
"Something bothering you?" he asked her, his voice unintrusive. She could have just as easily dismissed him as confided in him...the way he asked would have made either choice simple for her to make. However, she ended up choosing the latter.
"I got a package from my sister today."
"Your sister?" he interrupted, his face betraying his confusion, "You have a sister?"
She smiled sadly and said, "More or less. We don't talk much...anymore."
He nodded pensively, but thankfully refrained from saying anything more about it. She went on, "Anyway...it was this box, and it's full of everything that's left of my things from the house. Well...as you can see, there's not much. But I...I had a time going through it tonight."
He regarded her steadily and asked, "Are you okay?"
She considered the question for a moment, then replied, "Yeah. I...I mean, I don't know."
He said nothing, but his soft hazel eyes remained on her face, waiting for her to go on. Casting her eyes down at the box, she replied, "I can't...it's hard for me to explain this to people, but...I think I'm finally starting to learn to live with...with grief. It's...I don't look at it as something that's ever going to go away completely, but...at least, I hope to eventually start remembering the good things without having to remember...how it ended."
She bit her lip then to keep it from trembling, and she couldn't find the courage to look up at him. If she did, she was afraid she would cry...and she didn't want any more of that, if she could help it.
"It's not even...the whole issue of my parent's deaths that really gets to me lately," she continued quietly, and then broke off and looked up at him...he was studying her closely, and his eyebrows raised a fraction as she met his gaze and said with a small smile, "See? I'm getting better...a month ago, I never would have been able to say that."
"Say what?"
Her smile faded a bit as she repeated, "My...parent's deaths."
He didn't smile back, but merely cocked his head to the side a bit and narrowed his eyes sympathetically at her...but there was no pity to be found. She shook her head and went on, "Anyway...as I said, that's not the worst feeling anymore. It's...it's when I think about my sister...Petunia. She...we used to get along. We used to be best friends."
She trailed off and kicked absently at the box with her foot. After a moment, he prompted, "You used to be? What happened?"
She sighed and went on, "Well...I started at Hogwarts. I don't think she ever really...understood the whole magic thing."
"Magic thing?" James repeated, sounding slightly bewildered. She nodded and said,
"Yeah...everything about it. She never thought it was quite normal. I suppose she assumed, for the most part, that it was some disability...some phase I'd get over eventually. I remember she couldn't believe Mum and Dad were actually letting me come here. To her, it wasn't a serious school."
He shrugged, "Well...she had to have known that they knew what was best for you, right?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "You'd think so...but she didn't. She came to believe, as the years went by, that she was the only one who was thinking logically and that everyone else was under some kind of enchantment. I...grew further and further apart. By the time fifth year came around, we weren't really speaking at all...aside from the times when my parents tried so hard to intervene."
She lapsed back into silence, and finally James sighed heavily and concluded, "And...now that your parents aren't there to intervene anymore, she's ceased contact with you altogether."
Lily's eyes shot up and she insisted, "Yes, but you have to understand...to her, my parents deaths are a result of all this!"
"All what?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing.
"Magic...my world. My ambition. I...I understand her, and sometimes I think I'm the only one. Arabella has always hated her..."
"But it isn't your fault," he said, his voice low, "It would have happened anyway...it had nothing to do with you."
"Lily...she should know that you need her now."
Lily's eyes filled, and James looked as though he regretted his last statement. Furiously brushing her tears away, Lily said, "No, but...I could have tried harder. I was as bad as she was...it wasn't just her. I...I know why she thinks the way she does, and I understand why she might blame me. I...I have to try and make an effort."
"It seems like it's your sister who should..."
"Yes, but it's me that has to do it. I'm her sister...we were so close. I can see everything from her point of view, and...well, there's nothing else to do but make the effort. How can I not?"
He considered her carefully for a moment, then shrugged and said, "I s'pose you have to do what you think is best, in the end. If you want to go to your sister, you should do it...especially if you'll only end up regretting it later."
Smiling slightly again, she found once again that it was so easy to talk to him, it almost didn't feel like she was talking to James Potter at all. "Thanks."
He sighed then, still looking at her with something akin to amazement. He shook his head and breathed, "Bloody hell...you're always thanking me for nothing. But you're welcome just the same."
She laughed softly and looked down at her box...she needed to get it upstairs. "Well...I should get to bed."
He nodded, and she stood up. Rising with her from his chair, he asked, "Do you want me to carry that for you?"
She looked down at the box in her arms and replied, "No, thanks. It's not heavy."
The statement seemed a little sad to her, and it must have shown on her face because he took a step closer and asked softly, "Lily...are you sure you're alright?"
She nodded and smiled at him. "Yes...yes, I'm okay. I just..."
Pausing, she thought about whether or not she wanted to go into this. He raised his eyebrows and prompted gently, "What?"
She shrugged and confessed, "I'm a little scared that this box...it's brought up a lot of nice memories for me tonight. I'm a little scared that it's going to make me have the dreams again."
She let the silence that followed go on for a moment, and when she looked up his face was unreadable. Shaking her head, she said, "I'll be fine. I think I'm in better shape to handle a bad dream than I was a month ago...or even a week ago."
He nodded in response. "Well...goodnight, then."
She bid him goodnight and took the box upstairs with her. Getting into bed a few minutes later, she thought about everything that had happened that day and marvelled that it seemed like three years had passed since she woke up that morning. Dreams or no, she was glad to go to sleep.
The next morning, Lily woke unusually early...glancing out the window with sleepy eyes, she saw that the sun hadn't even fully risen yet. Stretching, she knew it would be no good to try and go back to sleep right at that moment...she had been having a dream about her parents. The nice thing was that it hadn't caused her to wake up in a cold sweat...she felt relatively fine. Still, she didn't want to have it again, and so she grabbed her book from the bedside table and her dressing robe from where it was hanging on her bed as she headed for the common room. Once there, she looked around in the dim light...and stopped in her tracks.
James was still in there...he was lying on the couch, fast asleep. His head was propped up on a pillow, and his glasses sat on the table next to him. She walked a bit closer, her heart beating like mad in her chest. Why would he do this...why would he sleep all night on an old couch when there was a perfectly good bed upstairs?
As though he felt her standing there, he started slightly as he woke. Squinting up at her, he rubbed his eyes and pushed himself to a sitting position.
"What time is it?" he asked in a gravelly voice. She had to work for a moment to find her own, and then answered,
"I think it's about six o'clock."
He nodded and reached sleepily for his glasses. Putting them on, he looked up at her once again. "Did you have a nightmare?"
She felt dizzy, and she didn't know what to do about it. It was so early...and she was so confused. Instead of answering his question, she asked one of her own. "What are you doing down here?"
He scratched his head and shrugged. "Must have fallen asleep."
She knew as sure as she knew anything that he was lying. He was playing it off as though it had been an accident...but she knew why he had done it. He had stayed down here in case she'd woken up in the middle of the night with a dream. He'd stayed down here and slept on an uncomfortable couch, in his clothes, so that he'd be available if she needed him. She didn't know what to say, think, feel...she was lost. He seemed to become uneasy under her intense scrutiny, so he stood up and said jokingly,
"Well, getting up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday may be your idea of fun, but I'm afraid I don't share the opinon. I'm going up and getting at least three more hours of sleep."
He made to walk past her and up the stairs, but before she could think about what she was doing she reached out and put a hand on his arm. He froze. She didn't know what she wanted to say...there were so many words jumbled in her head, and none of them could seem to make their way successfully to her mouth. Stepping a bit closer to him and trying to look him in the face even though he was still staring straight ahead of him, she said heavily,
"James...thank you."
He swallowed, his jaw clenched. After what seemd like forever, he turned his head and met her gaze...and the look in his eyes was enough to make her breath catch. They were tinted with something that looked like apprehension...mixed with something else. She suddenly couldn't believe she hadn't seen it there before. Clearing his throat with some small difficulty, he replied in what was almost a whisper, almost a plea,
"Don't thank me."
With that, he walked slowly away from her and up the stairs...and she was left with nothing to do but sink down onto the couch and stare into space while she tried to get her mind under control. There were a million questions going through her mind. She couldn't answer any of them, but she was not absolutely sure of what she had seen so clearly a minute ago. She wasn't sure of anything...she hadn't trusted her severely exhausted intuition in months...why should she start now? Especially when what she was thinking was so...out there?
Suddenly, she decided that she was sure of only one thing...that she needed to get away from there. There were things that she needed to do that should have been done a long time ago...and she needed some time to herself.
To think.
To Be Continued
More Fic by Emmyjean at
The Hidden Tower
www.hiddentower.50megs.com