More Than Words Can Say
Chapter Six
Grieving (Finally!)
The next morning Remus could be found sitting in the library of Number Twelve, trying to avoid people in general. This avoidance was due to his need to sort out his thoughts and feelings.
He was falling for her, and he knew it. What was he saying; he had already fallen for her. Curse the wolf! He had smelled her desire for him last night, and that had made him want her even more. Bt he knew this would end badly for him. It couldn't be more than a momentary desire brought on by being too close to a man who obviously fancied her, who obviously wanted her. It couldn't be love. She couldn't love him. Not Remus Lupin, the werewolf. Nobody had ever loved him, not like that. Not unless the count the time Sirius had put that spell on Hagrid…But that had been a joke, not to mention incredibly disturbing. And that wasn't the point. Point was, he was falling in love with one of his few friends. If this made him lose his friend…
She was one of the few people who talked about his lycanthropy so matter-of-factly. The others were Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, and Abby Folgard, the healer who treated werewolves' self-induced injuries. Dora was the only one who wasn't a student, and wasn't in the profession. Dora was special. He remembered a conversation with her that they had had several weeks ago, before he was so caught up in this whole 'love' thing.
"Werewolf transformations must suck bollocks," she said. "Having to transform so much, and not being able to argue effectively with the moon."
He gave her an odd look at the last comment, silently asking her to expand. She did.
"Mad-Eye tells me to transform into such-and-such all the time. That reminds me of your transformations whenever the moon tells you to. But I can argue with Mad-Eye and plot revenge against him if I want to. You can't exactly argue with the moon. Well, I guess you could, but it wouldn't be very satisfying, I imagine. And you can't plot to make the moon look like a large pink flower to everybody except himself…Oops."
He laughed more than was strictly necessary, but who cares. "So that's what happened to him! I had been wondering. I mean, pink flowers aren't your typical Death Eater curse. But as for the moon, you have no idea how many times I've tried to curse it. It was one of the first things I did when I got my wand. It's either out of my range or it's shielded."
He loved that about her, the way she could always talk about his 'condition' calmly, flatly, and seriously. Just like Sirius had…
Oh Merlin. Sirius. This was the first time Remus had let himself think about his best friend ever since the initial shock. It was time to grieve properly.
Sirius Black. Sirius Krehsente Black. He would never hear the joke that Sirius must rule Remus's life, because crescent was a phase of the moon. He would never hear the corny "No, I'm Sirius!" when Remus was trying to make him listen. He would never be able to stop Sirius from trying to get his friends to change their name into James Purple, Peter Pink, and Remus Orange. He would never see the counter-charm on his bedroom again, because it would never be enchanted to be orange inside and look like a crayon box on the outside. He could never remind Sirius to feed Buckbeak. He could never again watch Sirius taste raw ferret in an attempt to get Beaky to eat when he missed Hagrid. Padfoot would never help Moony through his transformations again. Remus would never see his best friend Sirius Krehsente Black again.
Remus put his face in his hands and wept.
Sirius was gone. Sirius, who made him tea every morning. Sirius, who made him eat even when he didn't want to. Sirius, who had seen first-hand what the transformations were like. Sirius, who still didn't pity or run from him. Sirius, who instead did his best to help Remus. Sirius, who had known before Remus that Remus loved Dora. Sirius, who's joking had always been gentle enough for Remus to take, but hard enough that he wasn't being babied. Sirius, the best prankster in the school, rivaled only by James. Sirius, who organized all the counter-attacks against the Slytherins. Sirius, who got Remus's work to him after the full moon, yet still didn't bother to do his own. Sirius, who could ace a class without studying. Sirius, who never rubbed in this ability more than necessary to keep his reputation in place. Sirius, who kept his reputation up only for fun, not because he felt it was right to be the best. Sirius, who was the best despite his lack of wanting for that station. Sirius, who all the teachers liked despite their best intentions or warnings. Sirius, who had always told Remus he could be a schoolteacher if he wanted to.
Sirius, who had been a loyal enough friend to be godfather, a loyal enough godfather to let Harry go to safety at the Dursley's with Hagrid. Sirius, who had given himself up rather than have the Ministry go after Remus, asking for information he could not give. Sirius, who had patiently waited out the Dementors, who had managed to freak out the non-squeamish Fudge. Sirius, who had been the only one ever to escape from Azkaban, who had been the only really innocent one to be put in. Sirius, who had experienced more horrors than many, yet had more cheer than most. Sirius, who had only been thinking of Harry at the end. Sirius, who had grabbed Remus on the way to the Department of Mysteries to tell him this:
"I'm glad you're here with me, Remus Lupin, here at the end of all things. My life is over tonight, don't sacrifice yourself for me. I'll die tonight at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange. I came because that is the only way for Harry to come out okay. I had a vision about this Remus, don't worry. They always come true. This is the first serious one I've ever had, and that's okay. So just keep Harry from trying to save me, if he tries he'll die too. You know what that will do to us. So promise me now to do what I ask. This is the last favor I'll ever ask of you. Promise me, Remus!" When Remus had given Sirius his word, Sirius had suddenly been his normal self. "Great! Let's go kick some Death Eater arse!" He shook the hair out of his eyes, wrenched open the door, and bolted in to save his precious godson.
Lost in grief and memory, it was a while before Remus noticed that someone was standing behind him, rubbing his back slowly and gently, and comforting him. He lifted his head, not bothering to wipe his tears. Only one person would do this, and he had no reason to hide his tears from her.
"I'll never see him again, Dora," he said softly, sadly, but not with tears.
"I won't either Rem," she said. "Not in this lifetime." Her tone matched his.
"This lifetime." He paused, then elaborated. "Sirius would want us to live it right, to make it a life, not just a lifetime. To make it worth something, to the world, the Order, our friends, or even just ourselves. To make it like his life."
She waited expectantly, then prompted him with a simple "Yes?"
"And that…" He swallowed hard. "That is why I have to tell you this." He stood up. "Dora…" He turned and faced her. She seemed to attribute the tears in his eyes to Sirius. "Dora, I…" He trailed off, suddenly unable to go on.
"What Remus? What is it?" she asked, concerned. He blurted out the first thing that came to his mind that was relatively like what he was going to say.
"I think you should go on a date with Kingsley." Oops. He turned away, fresh tears in his eyes. Not Kingsley. Anybody but that ever-present Auror! He saw him every day! Why had he said that? Sure it got her away from him, but KINGSLEY! No way was he going to see his love every day with some other guy! And that's how it would be, with Remus and Dora living at Headquarters and Kingsley coming by almost daily.
Dora backed away, hurt showing in her eyes. Hurt, and confusion. "Remus…I …I thought you cared! I thought you understood!" She turned and ran up to her room, tears streaming down her face.
Oh boy, what had he done this time? Why did he always do the wrong thing? Why was he always wrong!
A/N: Once again, no, this isn't my best chapter. I actually like the next chapter best for this story, methinks. So just die in anticipation. 2 chapters to end!
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