TITLE: "Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean )
CLASSIFICATION: J/L
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.
DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.
Chapter Eight – Closed Door, Open WindowLily breathed in the fresh spring air which played in her hair as she gazed out the window at the passing fields and towns. She felt as though she hadn't been outside in months, which was of course ridiculous...but there was some kind of odd peace that came along with her newfound, if brief, freedom. Considering the tumultous morning she'd had, she was a bit surprised that she was able to feel such calm, but supposed it also had to do with being at least a bit removed from the situation.
"Where is that trolley-lady?" Arabella wondered aloud, breaking into Lily's thoughts. Turning to regard her friend, who was stretching lazily across the seat opposite her, Lily replied,
"You can't be hungry already. You just ate!"
Arabella frowned at her through one eye as the other closed in a yawn and protested, "What are you talking about? That was three hours ago...and I didn't exactly get a chance to enjoy anything, I was eating so fast."
Lily shrugged as Bella stood and pulled open their compartment door to peek down the corridor. She sighed and murmured, "Maybe I should go and find her. What do you think?"
Lily shook her head, but she was smiling slightly as she replied, "Go ahead...if you don't care about showing her what a pig you are."
Arabella shot her a dirty look over her shoulder and muttered, "Shut up."
"Pig," Lily repeated.
"Cow," Bella said, then grinned and slipped out the door as Lily laughed. Truth be told, she wouldn't even be on this train if it weren't for Arabella. That morning, after James had gone up, Lily had not been able to do much more than sit on that couch for a good thirty minutes, just trying to keep track of her mind to be sure she didn't completely lose it. Torn between hot flashes and cold sweat, she'd eventually made her escape back up to her dorm, where she caught sight of the box her sister had sent her sitting on the stand at the foot of her bed. She was suddenly overcome with the need for her mother's advice...her mother's comfort...something. She'd picked up the box and started rummaging through it, only she hadn't known exactly what she'd been hoping to find inside. The noise had awoken Arabella, and she'd asked Lily what was going on and why she was up so early. Lily had said simply that she suddenly had a great need to see her parents.
Arabella, being a true friend, didn't ask any more questions...she'd simply made it happen. She'd gone to McGonagall to request permission for the both of them to leave school grounds for the weekend, which McGonagall had given on the condition that they stay together at all times and that they were back by Sunday evening. Now, three hours later, they were aboard the Hogwarts Express bound for London. Hopefully, it would be the closure Lily needed to end this bittersweet chapter of her life and finally move on.
"Well, she was certainly rude," Arabella huffed as she reentered the compartment, her arms laden with food, "I mean, you'd think I asked her to stop the train or something."
"You probably threw off her entire schedule by bursting in there and begging for sweets!" Lily exclaimed as she watched Bella dump everything on the seat beside her. Bella smirked and said,
"I have to have my sugar in the morning...you know that."
Lily smiled as she picked up a pumpkin pasty – the least sugary of everything Arabella had brought – and picked at it without putting much in her mouth. She had to get away from it all, to think clearly.
"What?" Arabella asked, eyeing Lily closely. Lily blinked as she realized she'd been staring.
"Nothing...sorry. Just...thinking, I guess." She didn't feel like going into everything right then...she didn't even feel like thinking too much about it. She knew that if she started to let her mind go over her anxiety about James – the look that had been in his eyes that morning – she'd lose the serene feeling that had inexplicably taken hold of her, and she didn't want that to happen. She knew she was probably overreacting, anyway.
"Lily," Arabella began in a quiet voice, and Lily was momentarily afraid of what she was going to ask her, "When you go...you know, to see them...do you want me to come with you?"
Lily thought for a moment...she honestly couldn't say what she wanted. "I don't know, actually. I guess I'll have to decide...later."
Bella nodded, and then resumed her picking through the box of Bertie Botts beans for the good flavors. Lily smiled and commented, "I don't know why you bother with those...I never liked them much."
"What kind of a witch are you," Bella asked in mock outrage, "That you don't care for Botts beans?"
Lily shrugged and replied, "Well, come on! A third of the flavors are good, a third of them are bad, and the other third are flavors of things that I like...but just not in jellybean form."
"Yeah, so?"
Lily raised her eyebrows and pointed out, "Well, you have to pay for all of them!"
Arabella burst out laughing and replied, "Oh, Lily...you have no sense of adventure. That's the point...if you don't like half the flavors, then it's all the more rewarding when you happen upon a flavor that tastes good!"
"What sense does that make? Why not just buy something you can just eat and like it all the way through? And anyway...you're picking all the ones you like out of the box. You can identify them by color...so you never get a bad one."
"Well, now wait," Bella said, holding up a finger, "Every time I buy a box of these, I get at least three flavors that I've never seen before. So, it's exciting to wonder whether the ones I don't recognize are going to be tangerine or...I don't know. Garlic."
"But that's the thing," Lily said, "I like garlic. I just don't like it in a jellybean."
Bella smiled and replied, "Well then...like I said. No sense of adventure."
Lily grimaced playfully at her and then reached out her hand for the box. "Give it over."
Arabella's eyebrows went up in surprise as she handed Lily the beans, and Lily promptly picked out a safe-looking red bean. She popped it in her mouth...and immediately regretted it. Her tongue felt as though it was bursting into flames, and her eyes began to water as she clapped a hand over her mouth.
"What is it?" Arabella asked, laughing. Lily glared at her as best she could for the fact that she could barely keep her eyes open. When she could finally speak again, she rasped,
"It's chili pepper, I think. Good Lord...that smarts."
Bella laughed harder, and Lily arched an eyebrow at her as she suggested, "Alright, then...at least I've proven my point. That definitely wasn't worth whatever you paid for that bean."
Bella took a breath between guffaws and said, "What...a fourth of a knut? Oh, dear...what a waste. My life savings, gone!"
"You know what I mean," Lily smiled at her, fanning her flushed cheeks. They then went back to staring out their respective windows, and Lily got to thinking again about her parents. Did she want Arabella to go with her to where they were buried, or would she prefer to go alone? At this point, she honestly had no idea...and she only hoped she'd be able to make a decision by the time the moment came to leave. On one hand, she'd like to have someone there for support...on the other, she would probably want to have some time alone to say her private goodbye.
Her eyes welled a bit at this last thought, and not wanting to ruin the moment of lightheartedness she'd just enjoyed, she pushed it away and allowed her mind to go blank as she admired the passing scenery. She and Arabella didn't say much else throughout the course of the remaining hour or so, and before Lily knew it they were pulling up to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. As they got off the train, Lily looked around at everyone and commented idly,
"It feels like it's been decades since I was here last."
Bella nodded and agreed, "I know. It really does...for me, too."
They exchanged small glances, and then picked up their luggage and proceeded hurredly to Diagon Alley...they only had two days, and they didn't want to spend any time dawdling about. Once in The Leaky Cauldron, they used the complimentary floo powder which the establishment had recently made available to Hogwarts students to go directly to the inn where they were staying. Lily still didn't know how she was going to thank Dumbledore...the moment she'd explained to him what she wanted to do, he'd made the necessary arrangements for her so she wouldn't have to worry about anything. As soon as they had identified themselves to the small, bald concierge and had gone up the stairs to their small but exceptionally clean room, Lily found herself almost shaking with eagerness to start out.
"Are you sure you want to go today?" Bella asked cautiously as she noticed Lily glancing anxiously at the clock on the desk in the corner, "You could always wait until tomorrow."
Lily thought for a moment before shaking her head. "I think I need to do it now, or I won't be able to get any sleep tonight."
Bella nodded, then asked, "Do you want me to go with you?"
"No, thanks. I think...this is something I need to do on my own."
"Okay."
Lily glanced up to find Bella gazing at her in curiosity. Lily suddenly and unexpectedly felt her cheeks flame with guilt as she thought of the one thing she'd failed to mention to Bella about this whole trip. Sighing and sitting down on the bed, she folded her hands in her lap and confessed, "Bella...there's something else. Something you don't know."
Arabella didn't reply, and Lily couldn't look up at her. Instead, she kept her eyes fixed on her knees as she continued, "I...oh, please don't be cross, but when you went to ask Dumbledore for permission for us to leave Hogwarts for a couple of days, I...I just knew he would say yes. While you were gone, before I started packing, I...I wrote to Petunia by owl post."
She paused and waited for Bella to speak, and when she didn't make any reply, Lily was forced to look up at her. She immediately wished she hadn't...Arabella was looking at her with a frighteningly blank expression on her face. Thinking that it would almost be better if Bella were to start raging and storming at her, Lily went on urgently, "I didn't say much...it was just a quick note to ask her to meet me, that's all. I had to do it then, or it wouldn't have reached her before we arrived here."
Arabella remained silent for a moment longer, then finally she asked, "And you think that she's going to be wherever you told her to be? You think that your note meant anything at all to her, after the way she treated you?"
Lily swallowed and looked down at her hands. "I don't know. Maybe not...but I had to try."
Arabella blew out a breath and, shaking her head as she ran her hand through her black hair, she walked to the window. Folding her arms, she stared out onto the street below with a pensive expression on her face.
"Well," she finally said, "if that's what you want to do, then I suppose you might as well. You've come all this way, after all."
Lily didn't know what she'd expected, but it certainly wasn't this. This apathy.
"I don't know why I do this to myself, though," Lily murmured, not really knowing what more to say. Bella shrugged and then turned to face her, eyebrows raised, and said,
"She's your sister."
"Yes, but why do I insist on making effort after effort, only to have her throw it back in my face? No, wait...she doesn't throw anything in my face. She doesn't even bother to respond."
Bella shrugged again, but didn't say anything. Lily felt inexplicably frustrated with Bella's reaction and said, "Blood ties may not be everything, but they are worth something."
Frowning, Arabella replied calmly, "I'm not arguing with you, Lil. I told you...whatever you want to do is what you should do."
Lily started to retort, but pressed her lips together instead. She realized suddenly that this was stupid...she was picking a fight for no reason at all. Grabbing a light jacket, she walked to the door of the room and turned back as she reached for the knob. "I guess I'll get it over with, then."
Pulling the door open, she walked out without another word, a weight on her heart.
Lily could see them in the distance, surrounded by dozens of stones that were exactly the same. She didn't know quite how she was so sure she was even looking at the right ones...she just knew. As she approached, she squinted and looked for Petunia...she didn't see anybody. Her eyes scanned the horizon...there was no one. She was completely alone in the dank, morose cemetary.
She hadn't come after all. Lily knew Petunia had received the letter...the owl had come back. She'd gotten it, she'd read it...and she still hadn't come. Perhaps...perhaps she hadn't even read it at all. Perhaps she'd simply taken one look at the envelope and thrown it in the dustbin.
Lily could feel the lump growing in her throat, threatening to strangle her...she didn't know if she could do this by herself. It was too hard...she couldn't. She'd needed Petunia...she'd begged her to come. She knew she would need her when the time came...she wanted her sister. Turning around with the full intent to run in the opposite direction, she instead froze and stared blankly into the distant greyness of the sky over the deserted cemetary.
She had to do this. She didn't have a choice...it was either put her parents to rest at last, or face a future of discontented nightmares.
Petunia was lost to her...that, she had no power to change. At least Lily could take some control over the things she did have the power to change.
Squeezing her eyes shut, she took a deep breath and, fists clenched at her sides, she turned back around to face her grief. Covering the rest of the distance seperating herself and the headstones seemed to take an eternity even as the wind at her back seemed to urge her forward. She was close enough now that she could see their names engraved on the stone...and then the letters ran together in a blur as her eyes welled with tears. Emitting a soft whimper, she sank to her knees in front of them...nothing could have prepared her for what she felt at this moment. She reached out and ran her fingers over her father's inscription, and the cold white marble seemed to taunt her. How unlike her father it was...it didn't suit her memories of him at all.
Covering her face with her hands, Lily finally let go and wept bitterly into the chilly spring air. No one was there to hear her or pass judgement, but she wouldn't have cared if the entire world was standing there listening. An icy hand clenched at her heart as she realized that this was all there was...there wasn't any more. Somewhere in the deepest, darkest recesses of her mind, she supposed she'd hoped that when she arrived here today to see her mangled house, it would be revealed that everything she'd heard was wrong. That it had all been a horrible mistake, and her mother would laugh it off and cook dinner for her before she went back to school. Now, as she gazed miserably at the ground covering her Mum's coffin, she knew that it wasn't going to happen. Her parents were no longer out there somewhere, ready to help her or encourage her...they were gone. They weren't coming back...she'd never see them again. She truly was alone.
Sighing pathetically, she shook her head and gazed into the distance as she began to speak to them in a choked whisper. "I'm sorry I haven't been here."
Turning her attention back to the headstones, she went on, "I should have come back sooner. I don't know why I didn't...maybe it was because of Petunia. Still...I shouldn't have cared what she said or thought."
She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed. "I didn't even get to...to say goodbye. To any of you."
She couldn't continue for a moment as sobs overtook her, and she again put her hands up to her face. When she'd gotten her breathing under control, she inhaled deeply and ran her hands again over each of the headstones. "I just hope you know...that I...I love you both. I always will...no matter what ends up happening to me."
She went on like this for what seemed like a very long time, just talking...telling them everything that was on her mind, everything she had been thinking for the past months. Everything she had been doing. As she spoke, she calmed herself to the point where it was almost as though she was merely telling them the news from her life as usual, just as she always had when she'd come home on the holidays. It was a one-sided conversation, but she could imagine what their answers and reactions would be...she could picture the looks on their faces when she'd say things. It was as though she was putting herself through some sort of therapy...and it was working.
She told them about Petunia, knowing that the situation as it stood would have broken their hearts if they were still alive. She apologized, told them that she had tried to make things right. She explained that she didn't blame Petunia...sometimes, this was just the way things happened, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. She wasn't even sure Petunia herself could do anything about it. Her sister could no more change the way she felt than anyone else could, and she had to follow her own heart. As she said it to her Mum and Dad, she felt a great sort of fear grip her...as though she was taking the first definite step in letting her relationship with Petunia finally slip into the past.
"Maybe you could...do something," she asked them unsurely, "Wherever you are, maybe...maybe it would still be easier for you to get through to her somehow than it would for me, even...after everything."
She told them about Arabella, and how she was doing. She told them that Arabella had taken care of her all year, that she'd never done anything without Lily's best interests at heart. Lily felt guilty as she talked about Bella...she thought of the argument they'd had before she'd walked out of the inn.
"I know that it was stupid. If I know anything, I know that...nothing's certain. People should never leave each other on a bad note. It's like you always said, Dad...never go to bed angry."
When she finally ran out of words and had spent all her energy, she stood slowly and rubbed her eyes. She felt so tired...but she felt better than when she'd woken up that morning. She felt better than she had in months. As she looked down at the new grass coming in on the soil beneath her, she thought suddenly of James...and a surge of what felt almost like homesickness overcame her. She was surprised at herself, and she spent a couple of minutes thinking about him despite the warring feelings it caused.
He had been with her through every emotional trial she'd had to face since her parents' deaths, save receiving the initial news. He'd been there when she'd tried to give up her position as Head Girl, he'd been there when she'd had her breakdown in the common room, he'd given her exactly what she'd needed that night in the girl's lavatory, and he'd made sure right there for her when she'd received that box...and somehow, it felt slightly wrong that he wasn't here now to support her as she put her grief to rest. She frowned...such serious thoughts.
"Mum," she breathed, resting her cheek against her mother's headstone, "What's next for me?"
She didn't receive a verbal answer, of course...but somehow it made her feel better just to ask. Shaking her head to clear it, she bent to place a single white lily on each of her parents headstones. She knew it was a slightly silly gesture, but it seemed somehow less so in her need to physically show them that she'd been there. She was sure they already knew...but it was more for her own peace of mind than for anyone else. She stood there until dusk began to creep over the sky, and then she turned silently and walked away. As she left the cemetary, she knew she'd be back there soon enough...and the thought gave her some sort of comfort. For now, she felt for the first time that she'd actually taken a huge step in healing herself.
There would always be a scar...but the pain would lessen from here on out. This she knew...and it gave her a kind of strength. Smiling slightly as she went, she turned back one last time.
"Goodnight," she whispered to them...and imagined that somewhere, they were returning the sentiment.
Walking through the door to the room they were using, Lily saw that Arabella was sitting in a chair by the window. She seemed lost in thought, and didn't even hear Lily enter until she heard the sound of the door closing. Looking over, she stared at Lily with tired-looking eyes, and Lily stared back...and then smiled slightly.
"You were right...she wasn't there."
Bella shook her head. "Despite what you must think...I didn't want to be right, Lil."
Lily sighed and took off her jacket. "No...maybe I shouldn't defend her so much. You...you've always been right about her, really. I just never wanted to admit it to myself."
"Of course you didn't...and you had every right to defend her. Like you said...she's your sister."
Lily shrugged. "Maybe there's more to being a sister."
They exchanged a glance, and then smiled at each other.
"Did you eat anything?" Bella asked.
"No...you?"
Arabella shook her head and suggested, "Let's go down and see what they have to offer in this place."
Later that night, after they'd ended up eating at a pub down the street, they made their way wearily back to the inn and up to the large bed they were sharing. After changing into their nightgowns, they climbed in and settled down to sleep. For some reason, however...Lily couldn't sleep.
"Bella?"
Arabella grunted a response...she was about two seconds away from being fast asleep. Lily stared into the pitch blackness for a moment, wondering if she should even be talking about this at all after everything else that had happened...and then decided that she had no choice. She wanted a good night's sleep for once, if that was possible at this point. Squeezing her eyes shut and mentally stamping down the feeling that she was somehow exposing herself, she whispered, "How do you tell the difference between a friend and...something else?"
"Hmm?" came Bella's confused response, muffled by the pillow in which she had her face buried. Lily swallowed and clarified,
"I mean...have you ever thought that maybe someone...had feelings for you, but you weren't sure?"
There was a moment of complete silence, and Lily wondered whether or not Arabella had heard her at all or if she had fallen asleep in the ten years it had taken Lily to get that sentence out of her mouth. Just when she was going to call her name again, she heard Bella's head turn slightly on the pillow beside her.
"Who are you talking about?"
Lily turned to face Bella as well, even though she couldn't see two inches beyond her nose. "I just...I'm confused."
Another pause. "Are you talking about James Potter?"
Lily sighed slightly, "Yeah."
"Lily," Bella said and Lily could hear the covers rustling as she turned completely to face her, "Be clear, will you? Do you have feelings for James Potter?"
Lily hesitated, then replied, "No, that's not what I mean. Bella..."
Stopping for a moment to collect her thoughts, Lily went on, "You know that he and I...well, we haven't always gotten along."
"That's an understatement. You hated each other."
"Yeah, I know," Lily replied impatiently, "But...since my parents were killed, he...you must have noticed the change in him, Bella."
Bella sighed into the darkness, then said, "I have. So have other people."
"Other people...what?"
"Have noticed that you two aren't on the verge of biting each other's heads off anymore."
"We're not. In fact, I'd even go so far as to call him my friend. No...I'd absolutely call him my friend. He's been there for me in a way few other people ever have...except you, of course. Every time I needed someone, he was right there...half the time it was by chance, and half the time it was because he put himself right in my face. I hated him for it at first...and then I came to see how much I appreciated him."
"And everything else? All the hate and the disagreements?"
"Mostly misunderstandings, to tell you the truth. We've talked about it, believe it or not."
"Hmm," Bella murmured softly, and Lily continued,
"I just...I'm worried."
"About what?"
Lily began, "That maybe...I just wouldn't want any more misunderstandings, and..."
She stopped as the image of the way he had been looking at her sprang unbidden into her mind and took her breath away. She could see it as clearly as though he was standing right in front of her, and it made her face hot. After a moment, Bella whispered impatiently,
"And what?"
Lily sighed. "I know this sounds like I'm being judgemental, and extremely ungrateful for everything he's done for me and for the friendship we've managed to create, but...he's not...I would really hate for him to get the wrong idea about what I want from him, Bella. I don't want anything even close to a...a..."
Arabella interrupted, "You don't want him to think you're trying to lead the relationship in any direction other than friendship?"
Lily felt relief coarse through her as Bella said it and replied, "Exactly."
"Well," Bella said into the darkness, "I don't know James Potter very well, so I can't say anything with absolute certainty. I can tell you, however, that I think you may be paranoid."
"What?" Lily asked, taken aback.
"He hasn't been with anyone in months. I mean, he hasn't been going around with any girls...not any that he's singled out, at any rate. If I had to guess, I'd say that it's just that maybe this whole thing has had an effect on him, too. Maybe he's been inspired to just be more...serious. He's been very involved with his schoolwork, especially Dumbledore's class...then, there's the issue of his Head Boy duties. He's taking all the things that have been in the papers very seriously as well...he's been on a rampage when it comes to discrimination against Muggleborns at Hogwarts. He looks into every little incident...it's like he's on a quest or something. It's as though he takes all that very personally, and he doesn't have a drop of Muggle blood in him. Everyone's noticed it."
"Have they?" Lily asked, amazed that she was so clueless, "Well, but...so?"
"Well, he's made a big change...and maybe it is partly to do with you. Maybe he looks at you and finds fault with himself."
Lily shook her head, even though she knew Bella couldn't see it, and replied, "Oh, I doubt it. Self-assured as he's always been."
"Honestly, he's always done that...only now that he's changed, he reacts to it in a different way. He used to hate you for it, and now he admires you for it. It doesn't necessarily mean that he wants anything from you, or that he's got some ulterior motive."
"Yeah, but doesn't he always have an alterior motive?"
"What?"
"Doesn't James Potter always have a goal in front of him? He doesn't do anything unless he gets something out of it, right?"
Arabella didn't reply for a moment, and then she asked seriously, "I know you used to believe that, but...do you still? After everything you just told me?"
Lily paused...and realized that she was doing exactly what she'd been doing before, when they'd been talking about Petunia. She had been so ready to defend her sister that when Bella had failed to debate Petunia's character as she usually did, Lily was caught off-guard...and had felt as though she had to start the fight so that she could end it on a positive note. It was so silly, but now she was about to start doing the same thing with James because for some reason, Bella wasn't badmouthing him...and it made her feel horrible.
"No...no, I really don't," Lily replied quietly. After a moment, Bella said,
"I hate to say this, but...I don't either. Not that I think he's a saint or anything, but...no one can deny he's certainly grown up."
Even as Lily dealt with the fact that what Bella was saying was absolutely true, a horrible thought began to flood into her mind. "Bella...you said you and I aren't the only ones who've noticed this...change in attitude?"
"Right...lots of people have noticed."
Lily swallowed. "What if...what if some people think...what I was worried he thought? Before we had this conversation, I mean?"
Bella hesitated and then replied, "I won't lie to you. There's been talk. It started with people wondering about him, and then...well, you know. People just draw their own conclusions."
Lily swallowed against the closing of her throat. "They don't think...that we..."
"No...they don't. They just think he'd like to, that's all."
Lily closed her eyes and rubbed them with her palms. "Does he know about all this?"
"If he does, he doesn't care...and neither should you. Lily, there are always a few people who like to speculate from time to time. Nothing you can do about it...so who cares? If they're wrong, they're only making fools of themselves. What a few people whisper about behind their hands in the corridors doesn't change the reality of the situation...which is that you and James Potter have finally established a normal, even friendly relationship, and that you happen to trust each other. So, maybe you should trust him enough to know that he would be honest with you if he felt something more than that, alright?"
Lily let out her breath and nodded. "Alright...yes. You're right."
"Good...now shut it so I can get some sleep."
Laughing softly and feeling a million times better, Lily turned over and whispered, "Goodnight, Bella..."
Just before drifting off to sleep, she added, "...and thanks for everything."
Bella didn't reply for a minute, and then she heard her returning whisper, "Anytime."
By the time they were boarding the train out of London, Lily felt exhausted...and yet with the fatigue came some sort of strange calm. During the entire ride back to Hogwarts she felt very little of the vague, omnipresent nervousness that had been plaguing her relentlessly for months. She felt a great burden had been lifted from her shoulders as she'd said her final goodbyes to her Mum and Dad. Althoug she'd never be the same without them, she felt a soothing inner peace at the knowledge that she'd finally gotten to gently shut the door on her unrequited grief. Now, she could stop focusing on their deaths and begin to remember only their lives, and what they had meant to hers.
Sighing, she settled back in her seat...she decided she'd follow Arabella's lead and sleep for the rest of the journey. For the first time in quite awhile, she was unafraid of nightmares.
It took them a few hours to get back to Hogwarts, and considering that they'd left so late, they didn't actually step into their dorms until just about sundown. Greeting Helen and unpacking, they went down to the common room to sit for awhile. Lily glanced over at the table across the room where the Marauders were sitting...all except one. She frowned as she realized James was nowhere in the common room at all.
"What?" Bella asked, and Lily cocked her head to the side in confusion.
"I wonder where James is? I haven't seen him since we got back...we were supposed to meet and talk about some school stuff."
Arabella replied shortly, "Well, I'll bet they know where he is."
As she said 'they', she jerked her head distastefully in the direction of James' three friends. Lily glanced back over at them, and saw that they were engrossed in an almost silent game of cards. It wasn't exploding snap, and it didn't even look to be much fun judging by the looks on their faces. She frowned and said to Arabella, "I can't ask them."
"Why not?"
"Because," she replied firmly, "They look like they're plotting someone's murder. I'm not interrupting that."
Bella sat back in her chair and heaved a sigh. Lily thought that was the end of it, but after a moment Bella mumbled under her breath, "Coward."
Lily scowled, and then glanced back over at the Marauders' table. Remus Lupin stood up and walked across the room to get a book from the far shelf.
"What are you doing?" she heard Sirius call grumpily.
"I just thought of something I wanted to look up," Remus called back flatly as he pulled a dictionary from the shelf and began thumbing through it. Sirius shook his head in disdain, and Lily smiled. Standing and setting her book facedown on the table, she swiftly crossed over to where Remus was leaning against the bookshelf. He looked up as she approached, his eyebrows raised.
"Hi, Remus."
"Lily...how are you?"
He asked the question as his eyes scanned her face, and she replied softly, "I'm...better than I have been in awhile."
He nodded. "Good."
She smiled at him, then asked, "Do you know where James is, by any chance?"
Remus' eyes twinkled with humor as he replied, "He, um...got held up after the game today. I guess the captain wanted a word with the team about...everything."
She'd forgotten that there had been a game today...of course that was where he was. Eyeing Remus, she glanced over at the table where the other two were sitting and found Sirius watching them with mild interest. She turned back to Remus and asked, "Did...did we win?"
"Did we win?" Sirius interrupted with a snort, startling her. "You're lucky you weren't there, Evans...it was a travesty. We got trounced."
"We did?" she asked, surprised. They hadn't lost a game yet that year.
"Yeah," Peter joined in, turning in his chair to look at her, "Against Slytherin, too."
"The whole thing was completely despicable," Sirius continued, "and I wouldn't be surprised if the entire team is being punished with heavy beatings right about now."
"Oh, no," she murmered, suddenly understanding the fog of negativity that had seemed to hover over the common room since they'd gotten back. Remus blew out a breath of laughter then and added,
"Yeah...and James was the worst, too."
"The worst?"
"I would have done the same thing...damn Slytherins," Sirius declared darkly, "You might have to take points for this one, Evans. He got into a fight."
"A fight? What do you mean?"
Sirius smiled mischeviously as he explained, "With a chaser from the other team. The bastard was tailing him, and after what must have been the eleventh foul - Prongs lost it."
"Jumped clear off his broom onto the bastard!" Peter interjected excitedly as Lily felt her eyes widen. She turned back to Remus as though for confirmation, and he looked at her in a funny way and said,
"He's been in quite the mood for the past couple of days...it's almost like it was all building toward something like that. Anyway...they both got thrown out of the game."
"Why do you think we lost?" Sirius asked Remus angrily, who shrugged and turned back to Lily once more.
"Well...you can probably catch up with him on the pitch, if you need to talk to him."
Lily nodded her thanks and turned toward the portrait hole...she didn't care what kind of mood he was in. Her mind was made up...she was going to talk to him about this today. She was sick of pretending and hiding her feelings from everyone, and she wanted desperately to get everything out in the open once and for all. Half walking, half running down to the field, she got there just as the team was coming out of the locker room. They looked to have showered and changed already, and the captain was still yelling in frustration.
"I don't know why I don't just forfeit the next match right now, if this is the way it's gonna be!" he was saying angrily as the rest of the team exchanged glances with each other. She didn't see James at first, but then she realized that he'd been the last one out...he was all the way in the back of the group, looking darkly pensive.
"Come on, Greg," someone replied to the captain, "It's just one game. It happens."
"Not like that, it doesn't! I'd like to say you gave it your all, but I can't even do THAT now, can I?"
With this, he turned to James and went on, "And YOU! Our strongest chaser, thown out of the game...what good are you to us sitting on the sideline? Tell me that!"
"Enough, alright?" James replied testily, "I'm sick of hearing about it."
"Well, maybe you should think first next time you get the notion to hurl yourself onto another player!"
"At least he won that fight," one of the beaters said in an attempt at joking.
"Oh, that's what you call victory, eh?" Greg spun back to face him, enraged, "Well, you know what? Maybe we need to go over what constitutes 'victory' at the next practice...and that'll be at six sharp tomorrow morning!"
There was a chorus of groans, and the conversation went on from there.
"Thrown out of the game," Greg was still grumbling, "I should just suspend you!"
"Go on then, DO it!" James suddenly snapped, causing several of the players who hadn't been expecting an outburst to jump...and Lily with them. "Suspend me, and then see if you ever win another match!"
Greg spun around, furious. Several of the other players narrowed their eyes as well. "Do you think you're the only player on this team? Is that what you think, Potter?"
"Well, judging by the bloody fuss you're making over this one loss, that would really be the only conclusion I could come to, wouldn't it?"
"Don't pretend like you haven't always thought yourself above the other players...above the rules, above everything. Everyone knows it, and it's just your bleeding luck that people like you anyway," Greg snarled, stepping forward on," one player objected, and another added, "You're just gutted on account of the match."
James, meanwhile, had taken a step toward Greg, and Lily was truly beginning to worry now about a fight.
Lily knew she had to get his attention...it was now or never. Deciding she would run up to them so that it would spare him the embarrassment of thinking she'd been standing there and had heard the entire thing, she jogged forward a bit, feeling a little silly.
"James!" she called out, casting an anxious glance at the rest of the team. Thankfully, he turned on her first try at getting his attention, and his face betrayed his surprise at seeing her there.
"Hi," he said simply, walking slowly over to where she was standing. Lily glanced behind him at Greg, who was now shaking his head and turning to follow the rest of the team back up to the castle. She breathed an inward sigh of relief...at least she'd stopped whatever had been about to happen, fight or no fight. It wouldn't have been pleasant, in any case. James stopped some distance away and merely stood there looking at her. His eyes were both guarded and searching at the same time, and it was as though he didn't quite know what to say...he was obviously trying to gauge how much of that fight she'd heard. She cleared her throat to speak.
"Um...I heard you had a rough game today."
He blinked, and then replied, "Oh...oh, yeah. Yeah, we lost."
She nodded, "I know...I heard. That...that's such bollocks!"
He looked completely taken aback at her vehemence, and she decided that this was exactly what she needed to be doing...she wanted to show him that their entire friendship wasn't just about her problems. Shaking her head and frowning mightily, she stalked over to him and continued, "I mean, why did they have to throw you out of the game? Especially since everyone knows that Slytherin's tactics are completely unethical. After all, this wouldn't be the first time they showed a total disregard for the rules of the sport, and..."
"Lily," he interrupted, a smile turning up the corners of his mouth slightly, "It's alright...we're still on top."
As he spoke, he walked a bit closer to her. Sighing in what she hoped wasn't an overdramatic way and a little surprised that she actually found herself frustrated at the loss, she turned slightly and began walking toward the field. "I know, I know...well, I mean I didn't really know. Still...it's just that it didn't even seem like a fair win..."
He laughed a little and said, "You didn't even see the game!"
"Yeah, but...it's legend already in the tower, and I've heard everyone's accounts..." she stopped suddenly as a realization hit her and she turned to face him. He stopped too, although he was evidently a tad puzzled. "James...I haven't been to any of your games this year."
His eyebrows still drawn together slightly, he shook his head and replied, "I...it doesn't matter, you've been busy."
"I'll come to them all from now on," she declared.
"Lily..."
"I really do like quidditch...er, what I know of it, that is. I really don't understand the rules. Maybe I'll just read up on it a little before the next match...I think there's a whole section of the library devoted to quidditch...history of the game, famous teams and players, rules of gameplay...not that I've ever been in that section...it's probably the only section of that library I haven't ever..."
"Lily!" he interrupted, laughing a little as he tried to reign in her enthusiasm, "Why the sudden rabid interest in quidditch? I thought you considered it a frivolous, tension-building activity...or something to that effect."
She sighed and started walking again as she began to explain, "Yesterday I went to visit my parents' graves for the first time. It was liberating. I feel...better."
"Do you?" he asked, and when she nodded he replied with quiet sincerity, "Good...I'm glad."
"I got to thinking about a lot of other things as well," she went on, "I started thinking about my life as it is now, after all the changes. I...I think I'm finally beginning to accept what I knew from the beginning...that things aren't ever going to be the same again, and there's nothing I can do to change that. It's done, and that part of my life is dead along with Mum and Dad."
He made a noise as if he wanted to interject something, but in the end he must have decided against it because he remained silent and waited for her to continue.
"I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for Arabella...she's been there for me through everything, and she's never once pushed me to do more than I thought I could at any given point. She let's me take things at my own pace. That's her way of taking care of me."
He waited a beat before commenting, "You're lucky to have a friend like her."
Lily took a breath and said, "Yes, I am...but she's not the only one I'm lucky to have."
He looked at her, and she stopped and turned to face him as she went on, "We were never friends...far from it, in fact. Somehow, though, you're the one person besides Bella that I don't think I could have done without these past months. She was supportive and caring...and you gave me something totally different, but something I needed just as much. You did what you've always done...challenged me. You never let me give up on anything. I suppose the shock of it having been you made me forget to...well, to thank you properly."
Through her entire speech he'd just stood there, looking at her with soft eyes. She could see that what she was saying meant something to him...he looked relieved and uncomfortable at the same time in the face of such true praise from her. When she stopped talking to give him a chance to respond, he took a moment to gather his words and smiled.
"You have thanked me...several times. And I wish you'd stop. I told you, I don't expect or want your gratitude."
"I...well, at the risk of sounding contradictory, I don't really care what you want."
He grinned then, and she smiled back at him and continued, "And anyway, it's not just saying thank you...that's what I realized yesterday. I think it's time for me to...give something back. To Arabella...and to you. All I'm trying to say is...you love Quidditch. So...I'm coming to your games. I...I'm happy to do it. I want to do it...alright?"
He looked at her for a long time, and then nodded. "Thanks."
She let out a satisfied breath and then continued on toward the castle, which wasn't much further away. The conversation had grown quiet, and he seemed to be lost in his thoughts as he stared at the ground in front of him. Not wanting to end on a serious note for once, she smirked and said,
"I heard that you got into a little scuffle as well."
He didn't reply for a moment, then said, "Yeah. It wasn't as bad as it sounds."
She smiled slightly and replied, "You got kicked out of the game."
He let out a huff of laughter and declared, "Yeah...why do you think we lost?"
She laughed as she remembered that Sirius had said the exact same thing. She remained quiet for a moment, watching as the sky darkened slowly from orange to pink. Suddenly, his voice broke into her thoughts.
"You should have seen her face."
"Whose?"
He glanced at her, his hazel eyes sparkling with humor, and replied, "McGonagall. She took points, you know."
She rolled her eyes at him, and he grinned as she said, "Good...you deserve it."
"Yeah, well...I can't help thinking that if Gryffindor had won the game anyway, she'd have been quicker to forget about the whole thing."
"Did you really jump onto his broom?"
"Well, no...I jumped on him. His broom just happened to be what was holding us up...momentarily, anyway."
"That's shameful. I can't believe it...Head Boy doing such a thing."
Shooting her a look, he replied, "Then I'd better not tell you about all the other rules I break regularly."
She arched an eyebrow and replied, "No, I don't think you should."
They walked in silence for a moment after that, and then she said, "Actually...instead of telling me everything, why don't you just tell me the worst thing you ever did."
He raised his eyebrows as he reached out to push the castle door open for her and replied, "You want me to pick one thing?"
"Yes."
He smiled and replied, "My mind is swimming."
She tutted and said, "So, you're not going to tell me."
"You really want to know?"
She nodded, and he sighed as he thought about it. She could see the smile on his face widen as he ran through his past misdemeanors in his mind, and then curiously she watched as the smile faded. Replacing it was a look of complete solemnity, and after what seemed like forever he finally looked up at her...and his eyes held an emotion that was unreadable. It was almost as though he was making an important decision.
"Are you sure you want to know?" he asked.
She swallowed...how bad could it be? "Yes...tell me."
He regarded her for a moment longer before he asked suddenly, "What would you say if I told you I was an animagus?"
She smirked and rolled her eyes, thinking that he was doing a good job of avoiding a question. "I'd say you have a great talent for keeping a relatively straight face through a joke."
He nodded slowly. "What if I wasn't joking?"
"Come off it," she said, shaking her head, "That's impossible."
He shrugged and said, "I guess it isn't, because it's the truth. Worked on it for three years...and I finally learned how to do it in fifth year."
She stopped walking and stood there with her mouth hanging open for a moment. He stopped as well and turned to look back at her...he seemed to be waiting for something. A reaction? Lily cringed inwardly at the thought that he was putting her on and she was falling for it...but somehow, something inside her told her he wasn't kidding.
"No...you've got to be joking. You...you have to be registered and everything!"
He chuckled softly and said, "Yeah...if you want to do it the legal way."
She was completely taken aback, and she found she couldn't even pull herself together enough to show him a proper reaction to this shocking piece of information. All she could do was stand there and look dumbfounded...he was an unregistered animagus? The one strange thought that kept popping into her head now was that he must be even more brilliant than she'd given him credit as being...and she didn't know why she couldn't think of anything else to say. She certainly couldn't say that...and he was standing there staring at her, stock-still, waiting for some kind of response.
"I just...I can't believe it."
He shrugged again, still waiting. Swallowing, she knew she had to say something that wasn't completely dim. This was obviously a big deal, that he was telling her this...her being the former enemy and all. Thinking it was the easier path, and because all of a sudden she sincerely wanted to know, she asked, "What animal do you turn into, then?"
He let out a breath as she finally spoke, smiled slightly and said, "Guess."
She sighed, still not thinking straight after that revelation. She couldn't believe he had blurted that out, without giving her any warning. She'd been thinking along the lines of school rules, and here he was confessing to her that he had broken a serious ministry law. Still pondering this, she absently ran a list of animals through her mind that reminded her of James Potter, and picked the most obvious one.
"It would have to be a lion, wouldn't it?"
He stopped and his eyes widened slightly as he looked at her. He shoved his hands in his pockets and fidgeted a bit, as if he didn't know how to respond...surely she couldn't have gotten it in one guess?
"What makes you say that?" he asked quietly.
She shrugged and explained, "Well...I mean, you're a Gryffindor, first of all. You...you're brave, and you always fight for what you think is right. Head Boy...strong, atheletic...and proud."
The look on his face softened more and more with each word she threw out, and she angrily cut herself off. She was going on entirely too much.
Finally, he swallowed hard, and then replied gruffly, "You hold me up too high. I'm just a stag."
Now it was her turn to be floored. A stag? She never would have guessed that...not in a million years. She never would have suspected a boy like James Potter would choose to transfigure himself into an animal as beautiful as a stag...not when he had all of the animal kingdom to choose from.
"A stag?" she asked, and he nodded, still watching her closely, "Why a stag?"
He laughed, and she thought she could detect a bit of nervousness in it as they continued walking. "Is that so hard to believe?"
She shook her head, "Oh, no...it's not that. Well, it's just that it's...unusual. I mean, not many young men would choose a stag. I would have thought...you know, something with huge...," she paused, trying to think of the right word, "...teeth."
He chuckled in earnest now and replied, "Well, if it makes it any easier for you to imagine, I'm huge...and I have a killer set of antlers."
She laughed along with him now, and for a moment they fell quiet. After a minute, she couldn't stand to wonder anymore and asked quickly, "How...how many other people know about this?"
He didn't answer right away, and when he did his voice was very low. "Practically no one. Just the other three...and now you."
She looked up at him and found him already looking at her. She considered him for a moment before asking, "You trust me enough to tell me this?"
A pause, then he said seriously, "I just did, didn't I?"
Nothing more was said for a moment. Then, to keep her mind from becoming fogged, she commented lamely, "I...I'm sorry I left without telling you anything."
She heard him draw a breath before replying, "McGonagall told me you'd gone away for the weekend, but she didn't say anything else. I assumed it would have had something to do with...your Mum and Dad. Are you...are you really alright?"
"Yeah," she finally replied in a voice so low it was almost a whisper, "I'm glad I went. I put a lot of things to rest, at least for now. I feel like...like now I can truly concentrate on the things I need to do right now."
"What things are those?" he asked, and she thought a moment before replying,
"Well...Dumbledore's class, of course, and my schoolwork. I've been neglecting my reading lately...but it's not just to do with all that. I don't know how to explain this without sounding...superficial."
"Try me," he said, giving her elbow a light nudge of encouragement. She smiled and explained,
"Well...despite what happened this year, Hogwarts has always been a safe place for me. Besides my home – which I don't have anymore – it was the place I loved most in the world. I suppose I just don't want to look back on my final moments here with sadness or anger...or regret of any kind. I want to try and concentrate on enjoying the time I have left before it's over...because, at the risk of sounding cliché, you can never get it back. You know?"
She looked up at him to see his reaction to this, because she felt slightly silly articulating it. He didn't look confused, however...he was nodding faintly. "Yeah...I do."
"I mean, I realized I have great friends here, so why not enjoy the gift of being able to see them every single day, before we all move in different directions?"
He laughed shortly and replied, "I don't know...maybe some of us are still going to be seeing each other every day after Hogwarts."
She glanced up at him, puzzled, and he looked down at her and clarified, "With auror training and all, I mean."
"Oh, right," she replied, and then went on, "I don't know...I need to make up for some lost time, and now I feel like I really can, and it won't just be for show."
"I understand," he said, and shot her a smile as he asked, "So...maybe now would be a good time to learn how to play snap, eh?"
She swallowed, graphically remembering burnt faces and charred furniture. "I don't know...maybe I should observe some more before just jumping into it."
"Sure, sure," he replied, and then leaned over and whispered, "Coward."
Before she could reply, he had turned to give the Fat Lady the password, and Lily realized with a start that they were already standing at the entrance to the tower. Shaking her head, she asked, "Are you ever going to stop antagonizing me?"
He glanced over his shoulder as he stepped through and replied, "I hope not."
Laughing to herself, she followed him in...and decided maybe it would be a good idea if she sat up awhile and watched the Marauders play their game. Perhaps she could learn something.
Besides...she had the unshakable feeling that something was going to ignite.
To Be Continued in Chapter Nine
More Fic by Emmyjean at
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