Crossroads

by Emmyjean

In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. She ultimately finds great strength both within herself and those she never would have expected. FINAL CHAPTER UP July 8 05!

11. Testing the Limits

TITLE: "Crossroads"

AUTHOR: Emmyjean J/L

RATING: PG-13

Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.

CHAPTER TEN: Testing the Limits

Lily slowly opened her eyes, feeling like she was on fire. Sitting up, she gingerly brought her hand up to wipe the blood from her mouth just as Dumbledore's voice broke through the ringing in her ears.

"Excellent, Potter. In a desperate situation, that curse would buy you the time you'd need to look for an escape route...or at least position yourself better for a duel. Are you alright, Miss Evans?"

Lily nodded, the corners of her mouth turning slightly upward as she caught James' eye. "Yes...I'm fine. It was a good hit."

"Now, Miss Evans," Dumbledore continued above the din being caused by the rest of the class as they practiced their dueling skills, "I must congratulate you on keeping hold of your wand...in an intense duel that could mean the difference between life and death. What could you have done to prevent that hit?"

As he asked the question, he reached a hand down to help her to her feet. Standing and brushing herself off, a bit impressed herself at the fact that her wand was still gripped tightly in her hand, she replied, "I got distracted...Tim had just bumped into me and I turned my head."

"Exactly," he replied, then raised his voice so that the whole group could hear him, "When involved in a situation where you are fighting for your life, it requires total concentration. In that moment, the only things whose existence you care about are yourself and your opponent...oh, and both of your wands, as well."

A ripple of laughter went through the class, and Dumbledore continued, "While we're on the subject, I want to say a few things about wands. As you all well know if you happened to purchase your wands from Mr. Ollivander, the wand chooses the wizard...or witch. This is no small bit of information...it means that your wand is not merely a tool or a weapon. It is your tool, your weapon...and also your most trusted ally in dangerous circumstances. You and your wand together possess strength is certain areas, and are not as formidable in others. It is your responsibility to know these strengths and weaknesses, and in battle, how well you know the capabilities of your wand as it is used by you – it's wizard – can save your life."

There was a silence after Dumbledore was finished speaking as everyone pondered what he had said to them. Lily absently swiped the last bit of blood from her lip as she stood there contemplating, and after a moment Dumbledore looked at the old clock on his desk.

"Oh, my...it's already past eleven o'clock. You are all dismissed, and get a good night's rest...you have your lessons tomorrow."

Tim gave him an incredulous look and asked, "Professor, couldn't we have a pass? At least for the first lesson of the day?"

Dumbledore winked at him and turned to leave, calling, "Aurors do not receive passes, Mr. Connelly. Consider it part of your training."

A few people laughed and there were some sighs as everyone collected their things. Lily calculated it in her head...if she were to head straight back to the dorms and go straight to bed, she'd get about six and a half hours of sleep. A voice broke through her thoughts as she hoisted her unusually large pile of books onto her hip.

"What are all those?"

She glanced up at James, who was slinging his bag over his shoulder and nodding at her books. She smiled a bit sheepishly and replied, "Yeah, well...perhaps I did go overboard a bit. I realized today that I haven't been to the library in almost a month."

James frowned. "What are you talking about? We have the meeting there every week."

"No, I mean I haven't really been there...to take out books or anything. The meetings don't count...in fact, they make it worse, because I can't even say I didn't have time to go."

James blew out a huff of laughter as they made their way down the corridors to the Gryffindor common room, Sirius following behind them. "Whatever you say. Here, let me take some of those."

She let him relieve her of a couple of the bigger volumes. "Thanks."

He nodded, then said, "Hey, listen...sorry about that lip."

Lily cut him off. "Oh, please...don't apologize. It was a great hit! Anyway, it was payback for that gash on your face."

James' brow furrowed as he reached a hand up to his jaw and felt the cut she'd given him earlier in the dueling session. "Huh...I forgot all about that."

A chuckle sounded from behind them and they both turned to find Sirius grinning wolfishly at James. "Yeah...you won't forget about it ever again. It looks like it's going to leave a huge scar."

Frowning, James replied, "Right, and you'd know."

"You think I'm joking?" Sirius asked solemnly, even though it was clear he was joking, "I'm serious..."

"Piss off," James shot over his shoulder, even though he was starting to smile.

Lily shrugged, "Well...I was enjoying it."

"Speaking of enjoyable activities," Sirius mentioned, "We might want to pick a time when we can finish that blasted potion. I, for one, wouldn't mind spending a solid afternoon on it if it meant we could be done with it."

"Sounds fine to me," Lily replied, "I wanted to get it done before the NEWTS anyway."

"Good, let's do it Sunday."

"Okay, good."

They walked in silence for a moment before James mumbled, "Ours is finished already."

Lily tutted and Sirius snorted, growling, "I wouldn't be proud of this...it means you have a poor excuse for a social life."

James quirked a brow and said, "I don't know what that says about you, then, because you are my social life."

They laughed, and then walked in companionable silence the rest of the way to the Tower. It felt like there was a piece missing without Arabella, but somehow Lily didn't miss her as much as she would have thought...she supposed it was because she knew Arabella was already out there, preparing to make a difference. Lily envied her more than anything else, and she felt so grateful to Dumbledore for subtly acknowledging the reality of the circumstances surrounding that fight. He knew as well as Lily herself did that Arabella was a strong, independent, intellegent witch who would excel at whatever she threw herself into, and the Ministry should be thanking their stars that she was going to be on their side.

At the base of the dormitory staircase they said goodnight and parted ways, and Lily was glad to crawl into her bed...her chest was still sore from being hit by that curse. Wasting no time, she turned over and fell asleep.

The next day was fairly uneventful. As she sat through her lessons, she couldn't take her mind off of the articles in the Daily Prophet she'd read over breakfast...talking about the increasing danger, the Ministry, how no one quite knew what was going to happen next. It was all very frightening, but somehow it made Lily want to be involved. Part of it was due to the massive void her parents deaths had left in her life and the intense loss she felt when she thought of them, but it was also because she truly believed she could possibly make a difference. As guilty as she felt about it, she couldn't help thinking that all of this – their lessons and Hogwarts – just wasn't as important as it had once been. She felt she'd outgrown the place, and she just wanted to get out of there and go do something real.

The only class she fully appreciated anymore was Dumbledore's class, and that wasn't even a normal lesson. She simply had to continue to get through the days and focus on her NEWTS so that she could at least feel that she'd always done her best when she finally walked out of the castle for the last time at the end of this year...and as impatient as she felt to have that happen, it was still a sad thought.

Later that night, she sat in the common room with Helen, who was talking to her about something that had happened in Potions. Lily wasn't listening...she was staring at her friend's blonde head and wondering why she hadn't confided in her more, since Arabella had gone. Lily contemplated hers and Helen's entire relationship as she waited for James to get back from Quidditch practice. She didn't quite know when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, she and Helen had grown in different directions. They'd shared a dorm since the beginning of their time at Hogwarts...but over time Helen had mostly made friends with the Hufflepuffs, and Arabella and Lily had formed an unusually strong bond. It wasn't that Helen wasn't her friend...but Lily kept the deepest and darkest of her secrets and thoughts for Arabella only.

No, not Arabella only, she corrected herself. Now James as well. Life was truly strange.

After what seemed like forever, James came through the portrait hole with the rest of the team, wet from the rain. His eyes scanned the room and immediately found her, then he walked over and stopped in front of her.

"Hey...d'you want to go for a walk?"

Lily glanced at Helen, who was now speaking with a couple of sixth year girls, and then frowned back up at him. "Now?"

He smiled a little and replied, "Has to be now. I've got to do something."

"What?"

Raising his eyebrows at her, he asked, "Do you want to go or not?"

Lily shrugged and followed James' lead out the portrait hole.

"Alright, come on...what is it?"

"Hmm?" he murmured, still smiling and refusing to look at her.

Heaving a frustrated sigh that was only half genuine, she asked, "What is it you have to do?"

Giving his head a shake, he replied, "See, this is quite the predicament for me, because if I tell you now you might turn right back around and refuse to come with me."

This heightened her curiosity, if not her enthusiasm. "Well, as confident as that makes me feel, I'd still like to make this important decision based on facts and not guesswork...so would you please spit it out?"

Laughing and finally giving in, he glanced at her and confessed, "It's my turn to clean the Quidditch shed."

Nodding, she made a face and turned on her heel. He laughed harder and caught her arm, pleading, "Come on...I swear I'll make it fun."

Facing him again, she asked, "How could you possibly make that job fun?"

He shrugged. "If there's anyone who could, it's me. Please?"

"I don't understand why you have to do this right now!" she protested, glancing out the window at the fading twilight.

"Oh, and you had something better to do, Miss Bookworm?"

Narrowing her eyes to slits in mock annoyance, she replied, "At least a book would provide me with good company."

He winced and put a hand to his chest. "Ouch, Evans. That hurt."

She shook her head and started walking again, never having had any intention of turning back. "I suppose I should give you an opportunity to prove me wrong."

Following behind her, he replied, "Right...thanks a lot."

She slowed so he could catch up, but he still remained a step behind her. Glancing over her shoulder, she said, "Well, come on! Don't lag behind."

He grinned at her and quickly caught up. "Sorry. Now d'you see why I had to bring you? Where would I be otherwise?"

"Stop making fun."

Glancing at her, he replied, "I'm not."

Once they were well on their way to the pitch, she turned and gazed at the silhouette of the castle against the darkening sky. "Do you remember the first time you saw it?"

"What?"

"Hogwarts."

"Sure," he replied, turning to glance at it as well, "Everyone does. I was...maybe four years old."

She looked up at him in surprise as they continued walking. "Four?"

Nodding, he explained, "My dad used to be on some committee...I don't know what it was, but it had something to do with the rebuilding projects they had to coordinate right after the Grindelwald era. I used to go with him sometimes when I was a young boy."

"Really?"

"Yeah...you know how you go back to a place that you visited when you were a kid, and it seems so much smaller when you experience it as an adult?"

"Yeah...I do."

He paused for a moment, his eyes scanning the horizon, before finishing, "It never happened with Hogwarts. It never lost anything as I grew up...it never seemed to diminish at all. But lately...is it just me, or is the place starting to feel a bit claustrophobic?

"Yeah," she agreed, relief coarsing through her unexpectedly as she received confirmation that she was not the only one who felt held back, "I feel it, too. All I want to do these days is get out of here. Everything just seems so..."

She hesitated, and he provided, "Pointless?"

"Yes, exactly. I just can't stand sitting in class anymore."

Smirking, he replied, "I know. I don't think I've ever seen you spend so much time staring wistfully out the window...and if you're not doing that, you're looking at your watch."

Lily shrugged, a bit red-faced. "I can't help it. There's so much to worry about now. Hearing the details of how juniper berries aid in the soothing of a pixie bite just doesn't seem to hold the appeal it once did."

Raising an eyebrow, James replied, "Right, well...I never would have found that appealing, but I know what you mean."

She tutted, and they walked on in silence for a moment. She enjoyed the mild breeze and mused over whatever came into her head, and then a thought struck her. Looking over at him, she noted quietly, "I don't think you've ever talked to me about your family before."

He seemed a bit surprised at the sudden comment, but soon recovered and shrugged. "There's not much to tell. My Mum and Dad are just the same as they've always been. I don't have any brothers or sisters, so ever since I was a boy, my parents have simply expected me to succeed...and I made sure I did. I knew it was what they wanted."

She took this opportunity to comment in an exaggeratedly bitter voice, "Maybe that's why you're so effortlessly good in your lessons."

"No," he replied wryly, smiling over at her, "That's because I'm a genius."

She rolled her eyes and laughed as he continued, "I mean, I had my rebellious streak. I reckoned that if I was going to work my arse off for top marks, I was at least entitled to break every rule in the book while I did it."

"I know," she said dryly, "I was the one doling out the punishment."

He looked down at her and grinned wolfishly, "Yeah, you thought you were punishing me. Half the time I broke the rules just so that you would come and tell me off."

He seemed abominably smug about this. "Excuse me?"

"Well...first I fancied you, so it was a way to get attention. Then I hated you so I wanted a fight. Either way..."

"Either way, you're a git."

He snorted, then fell into silence. It seemed as if he was done with the conversation and wasn't going to say anything more. She, however, wasn't quite satisfied...it was dawning on her just how little she knew about his life, and she wanted to persue it for a bit longer as long as the subject had already been broached.

"Sirius speaks well of them, anyway," she observed, glancing furitively up at him. He looked down at her, and she quickly looked back down at the path they were treading to the pitch.

"Does he?"

She nodded, and he prodded lightly, "When?"

"Not often...just once, actually. It was something he said one day when we were working on that potion...I can't even remember exactly what it was."

James nodded, eyebrows raised a bit. He looked a little astonished that Sirius would bring it up at all, and she wondered if perhaps she shouldn't have said it, even though it was the truth. When he spoke again, though, he merely sounded pensive.

"I know Sirius respects my parents...well, as much as he can, anyway. He's not much for authority figures."

"Really?" she asked sarcastically, "I would never have guessed."

He shot her a look, and then went on, "Still...he's not really one to judge. His family are a load of nutters. You knew Bellatrix well enough, so that should give you some idea."

Lily was shocked. "Yes, I...as much as I cared to know her, anyway. I sort of thought that she was the black sheep..."

"No," he interrupted firmly, his voice hard, "Sirius is most definitely the odd one. He's been practically disowned...the whole lot of them have always taken great pride in being connected with Slytherin at Hogwarts."

Lily nodded, realization dawning and making her feel more than a little sorry at how she'd apparently always underestimated Sirius Black's complexity. "So...I imagine, then, that it wasn't welcome news when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor."

James laughed and quirked a brow at her. "You could say that, yeah. Anyway, my parents always let me bring him to spend holidays with us...and they were always very good to him."

They'd arrived at the shed, and as James opened the door a cloud of dust choked her.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding," she muttered as she stepped through the door into the musty space. He illuminated the small torches on the walls, bathing the room in light, and she could see that there was quite a bit of work to be done. He turned and looked at her, then laughed at the look on her face.

"Relax...I'll do the work, you just sit down. Here's a bench."

He bent, grabbing hold of a rickety wooden bench that had been pushed against the wall and hauling it over to her. Setting it down, he shrugged and commented, "Looks comfortable, right?"

"Yeah...lovely," she replied sarcastically, but sat down anyway. As he began by organizing the equipment, she thought about continuing with the conversation about his family. She felt insatiable...now that she knew a little, she wanted to know everything. After all, she reasoned, he knew everything there was to know about her life beyond Hogwarts. Feeling a bit out of her element talking about something that she knew nothing about, she commented, "Why don't you ever talk about your family?"

He was pulling a bundle of brooms from where they'd been unceremoniously deposited in the corner. Picking one up and examining it, he asked distractedly, "Don't I?"

Thinking maybe she shouldn't be doing this, she pressed, "No, you don't."

Pulling his wand out of his back pocket and starting to trim the bristles, he shrugged. "I don't know...like I said, there's not much to say about them. They're...kind of boring, actually. I love them and all, and they're good people, but...you know. They can be a bit stiff...a bit cold."

She frowned. "Compared to what?"

He glanced up and met her eyes momentarily before returning his attention to his work. "Well, yours, for a start."

She felt only a small pang of sadness, and she knew it was tempered by the tone of his voice. He wasn't trying to make her sad...he was just talking. She responded to it well, but blew out a huff of laughter and said a bit cynically, "Well, that's horrible, seeing as how I don't have one anymore."

He raised his eyes to really look at her now, his gaze direct and sincere. "But you did...and from what you've told me, they seemed a million times more tolerant and supportive than my parents."

Shaking her head, she replied earnestly, "Every family is different...it doesn't mean one is better or worse. My family...well, you know all about me and my sister. There's certainly nothing supportive about that."

"Yeah...but your sister is different..."

"No, I'm different. That's her point," she objected, half-jokingly.

Rolling his eyes, he replied, "Well, different than what, that's the question. You're normal, as far as I'm concerned."

She couldn't help smiling a little at this, but she really wanted to change the subject. She didn't want to grow melancholy just now, but she'd gotten herself into it...she was the one who'd brought it up, so she figured she should at least finish it. Looking up at James as he pulled an irritated face at a mess in the cupboard, she declared mildly, "Everyone has their flaws. Dad, for instance – my dad - he could be an absolute bear. Petunia's lads - the ones she occassionally brought home for dinner - used to be scared to death of him."

"Really?" James asked, his eyes suddenly going alight with interest as he got tired of manual labour and enchanted the tangle of training gear to untangle itself.

Lily nodded, "He was always shouting. I don't know...he'd shout even if he didn't mean to do it. He was just a loud man...but not really bombastic, you know. Anyway, he was always looking around with this glint in his eye, like he was up to something. Always a plan brewing in his head, some way he was going to get some scheme past my Mum. Not that it worked, usually."

James smiled, watching her. "He sounds great."

She tried not to get too misty as she replied, "He was."

Still watching her closely as though trying to gauge if he was about to step over some kind of invisible comfort line, he admitted softly, "I'd like to have met him."

Touched, she observed, "You remind me of him."

This seemed to catch him off guard...his face changed, and he blinked at her. "I do?"

She nodded, "Quite a bit, actually."

To this, he didn't seem to have any response. He simply sat there, staring at her. She finally broke eye contact when the moment became heavy with a tension that she hadn't anticipated…she hadn't really thought about it when she'd said it, but it was the truth. Looking back up, she found his eyes very soft, and still gazing enigmatically at her. Shrugging a bit shyly, she attempted humor in her inexplicable need to break the moment.

"Now it's your turn...you can tell me how much I remind you of your mother."

His face broke into a huge grin at this, and he finally looked down at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck as he replied, "I don't think I will, thanks. It'd be a lie, anyway...you're absolutely nothing like my Mum."

'No?"

"No...in fact, you're not like anybody."

She furrowed her brows and repeated, "I'm not like anybody?"

He shook his head, looking back up at her with undisguised affection in his expression as he replied, "Nope...you're the first one of you I've met."

She blushed hard, but hoped he couldn't see it in the relatively dim light of the shed. Leave it to James Potter to consistently think of something better. Better answer, better idea...better compliment. She stood and walked around to the other side of the room, looking at the various pieces of Quidditch gear that were piled everywhere. He continued working, but she felt his eyes on her.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

She hesitated before she asked her question, because she knew she might be out of line...but she had to know, or the curiosity would kill her. "Sirius' family...you said they were..."

"Bloody bastards?" he finished, and she looked over her shoulder to find his jaw set and his expression suddenly dark. She blew out a nervous breath.

"Well...yes. I just...I mean, I don't want to say anything bad, but..."

"Lily, just ask."

It wasn't said angrily, just slightly impatiently. She screwed up her courage and asked, "Do you think they're involved? With...with everything they keep writing about in the Prophet?"

James paused before answering her question, and she prayed that he wasn't offended. When he finally did reply, though, his response was flat and without indignance, "I'm sure they are."

She turned to face him, her courage bolstered. "Has he said they are?"

He shook his head, standing and walking towards her. "No...he wouldn't know. He doesn't talk to them."

She looked at him for a long moment before concluding softly, "I can see why he's your friend."

James looked as though he wasn't sure if she was complimenting him or Sirius, but the truth was that she had meant it as a compliment to both of them...and she was tired of this serious talk. Smiling and walking over to him, she asked, "Alright...what can I do?"

He looked up at her and said, "Nothing...you're keeping me company."

"Look, I might as well contribute so it'll go faster. Plus, I know you can't do anything right without my help, so..."

He pulled a face, smiling disbelievingly, and looked up at her again. "What were you saying earlier? Something about my being a genius?"

Laughing, she retorted, "I didn't say that...you did, true to form. Now come on...give me a job."

"Other than to shut up?" he asked incorrigibly. She raised her brows, and he held up his hands and said, "Alright, alright...whatever you say."

It felt good to finally have him give in to her, and she said a quick thank you to her parents for teaching her to never be afraid of perseverence.

The following Sunday, when they'd finally gotten through the week, they didn't even have much of a chance to relax...it was the day they'd agreed upon to finish the potion they were making for Dumbledore's class, and they'd started early at Lily's insistance. Progress was slow, as they had to be very careful with adding the ingredients in exactly the right measurements…and these measurements were odd and hard to perfect.

She reached across the table and picked up the vial with the blue liquid in it, and then frowned. Sirius apparently noticed because he responded with a gruff, "What? What now?"

"Nothing," she replied, shaking her head, "I just want to make sure we do this the right way. Hang on, let me just...read this over one more time before we do anything..."

The two boys sat back and watched her as she poured over her recipe page, her brows furrowed in concentration. She prayed that she didn't do anything wrong...she knew that she had been the one to take charge of the book, and if anything went awry it would be her fault. Just as she was starting to feel confident that the blue vial was supposed to come next, she jumped at the sudden sound of the door being pushed open and banging against the stone wall. Looking up, she beheld James striding over to the table.

"Right," he said, smirking, "Still not finished, then?"

They all rolled their eyes.

"What does it look like? Get away, will you?" Sirius said grumpily, but didn't protest further when James pulled up a chair and sat down, commenting,

"We finished ours a week ago, you know."

"Yeah, you've said that," Sirius muttered, "Now piss off, will you? We're working, here."

Tim, with only a twinge of annoyance in his voice, eyed his two partners and said mockingly, "Maybe he's brought us tea."

James quirked a brow and retorted, "Yeah, and yours is poisoned, Connelly."

"Well, at least then you'd be useful," Tim muttered, causing James to raise an eyebrow at him.

James blew out a huff of what sounded like laughter, but Lily was too busy trying to read her own handwriting to care.

"What are you doing over there, Connelly?" James suddenly asked mildly, his brow furrowed as he leaned over to see what Tim was working on. Tim looked up from his notes and replied,

"I'm taking down what we've done so far. Keeping track, so that we don't ruin the thing by doing something twice."

James nodded, his eyebrows raised. "Ah...right. Good thinking."

Lily looked up from her manual and eyed Tim. "Well, it doesn't work if he's not paying attention, does it?"

Tim glanced up at her. "What?"

"Did you get that down? That I just added the lavendar root?"

Tim shook his head and nudged her hip with his elbow. "Right. Sorry 'bout that."

She laughed and shrugged, then went back to frowning down at the manual. After a moment, James spoke again, but she only listened with half an ear as she scanned the ingredients they had left.

"You do a lot of writing, don't you?"

"Hmm?" Tim responded, and James clarified,

"I mean, didn't I hear you say once that you were interested in persuing journalism or something when you got out of here?"

"Oh, yeah...yeah, I think that's probably where I'll end up."

"So, do you do a lot of writing in your spare time?"

"What's the matter, Evans?" Sirius addressed her, talking over the conversation between James and Tim.

Shaking her head, she answered, "I don't think we have everything we need. Does it matter if we go out of order?"

"Do you keep a journal, then?" James was saying, and Sirius answered her,

"I don't know...some potions it does, some it doesn't. I think this one is pretty complicated...maybe we shouldn't take chances in going out of order. It would be weeks worth of work down the drain."

"Right," she agreed, "Let me just make sure, then...I'll do a quick inventory."

"I don't know," Tim said, shrugging at James, "A lot of things."

"D'you write as though you're doing articles, like about what's happening with the Ministry and such all, or...more personal stuff?"

"Both, I guess...I don't know, whatever strikes me."

Lily sighed and said, "Will you two shush? I'm trying to think..."

"Sorry, Lily," Tim apologized, but James continued in a lowered tone of voice,

"Have you been keeping journals for awhile?"

"Awhile, yeah," Tim replied, glancing at Lily.

There was a brief pause before James asked, "Could you look back through them and read about important moments in your life? That would be cool, I think. I mean, did you write about stuff like...I dunno, the first night you spent at Hogwarts or your OWLS results?"

Tim furrowed his eyebrows and cast James a puzzled look, then replied laughingly, "Yeah, I suppose...bloody hell, Potter, I don't know. I don't remember."

Lily glanced up to ask Sirius a question, but found him eyeing James suspiciously. She'd just followed his gaze to James' strangely impassive face when suddenly James asked Tim, "Did you write about the first time you had it off with a girl?"

It was as though someone had just cursed the entire group...Sirius and Lily stood staring in different levels of shock at James, Lily not believing she'd heard correctly. However, she couldn't hold onto that for long as Tim said in a dangerous voice,

"Sorry?"

James regarded Tim coldly, the corner of his mouth starting to turn up in a self-satisfied smile as he replied, "Ah...right, sorry. Didn't mean to imply that you'd gotten there yet."

The silence thickened to unbearable proportions as Tim slowly leaned forward, and before he could respond, James dealt the final blow in his unexpected verbal assault.

"Or...that you were even interested. Maybe you prefer blokes."

Tim was on his feet in an instant, and James and Sirius both stood at the same time. Lily remained seated, looking in disbelief from James to Tim and back again...they were staring daggers at each other. Tim looked livid, and James looked...Lily was dumbstruck at the look on his face. Brash, smug, and self-satisfied...but also furious. As if he had something to be furious about. Finally, she looked at Sirius, hoping he would do something to stop this, but her hopes were dashed when at last he did speak. Moving a bit closer to James, he said to Tim,

"Drop it, Connelly. You won't win this one."

His meaning was clear...he would stand with James. Lily was sickened.

After a heavy pause, Tim shook his head, his face a mask of anger and disgust. Picking up his notes, he threw them at Sirius and spat, "Deal with it yourself."

He didn't even look at Lily before grabbing his bag, turning on his heel, and walking out of the room. James and Sirius relaxed a bit after he was gone, apparently not feeling they had to be tensed for a fight any longer...but Lily slowly stood, one hand gripping her own notes and the other balled into a fist at her side. Sirius shook his head and took his seat, muttering,

"Bloody hell, mate."

James stared for a moment at the door through which Tim had left, and then glanced at Sirius. Lily felt her lip curling as she looked from one to the other...she was absolutely taken aback, and she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with them. Throwing her own notes on the table in front of Sirius, which caused him to look up at her, she said vehemently, "You can have mine, too."

Casting one look at James only to find him looking back at her unapologetically, she grabbed her books and stormed out of the room. Running up the stairs, she found Tim turning a corner, heading back to the Ravenclaw common room.

"Tim!"

He ignored her.

"Tim, wait!" she called again, feeling so awful that she knew if she didn't speak to him she'd die, "I'm so, so sorry about what happened back there..."

He rounded on her suddenly, surprising her. "Why the hell are you apologizing? As I recall, you didn't say bugger all."

Cringing at his language, she said, "I know...that's why I'm sorry. I should have interrupted, I should have..."

"Look," he said, interrupting her, "You used to stand up to James Potter, and I admired you for that. If you don't have the energy – or the desire – to do that anymore, it's no skin off my nose. I get it, alright? You and he are close, it's not a big deal...but from now on, keep him away from our group sessions. We need to get that bloody thing done, and we don't need interference."

With that, he turned and strode away from her, leaving her gaping after him and feeling as though she was two inches tall.

She didn't see him again until dinner. She didn't expect to, considering the fact that it was nearly ten o'clock by the time she got down there...she just assumed he'd already been and gone. She was sitting in the Great Hall by herself, calmly eating her soup as she read a "Contemporary Charmwork" issue that she'd borrowed from Professor Flitwick, when suddenly he was sitting across from her. She glanced up and found him staring at her.

"What?" she asked coolly, turning her eyes back to her reading.

"What?" he repeated, then asked, "Where have you been?"

Lifting her shoulders unconcernedly, she replied, "Busy."

Rather than respond, he apparently decided that he'd had enough and grabbed the publication right out from under her nose so abruptly that she nearly dropped her spoon. Glaring furiously up at him, she opened her mouth to tell him off but couldn't get the words out before he said,

"I want to talk."

"Oh, yeah?" she retorted, slamming her spoon down on the table and bracing herself for whatever was about to happen, "Well, sorry...I'm not interested. Now give me back my..."

"This is how it's going to be, then?" he asked angrily, "I can spend months, years, or decades acting like a bloody saint around you, and one show of backbone - one telling off of some self-important git - will leave you convinced that I'm rubbish?"

She frowned, shaking her head, "A saint? Who asked you to be saintly?"

"Come off it," he growled, spitefully tossing her periodical a fair distance down the Gryffindor table, "Your expectations are close to impossible to achieve, you..."

"My expectations?" she interrupted, completely unable to understand what he was trying to say but now even more angry that he'd disposed of her reading material so unceremoniously, "Look, I don't know what in the world you mean. As far as I can tell, you're talking about a problem you've invented for yourself, not something that was started by anything I've ever said to you. Furthermore, you're making this much more complicated than it really is."

"Am I?" he sneered, and she replied,

"Yes. If this is the kind of conversation you wanted to have with me, one where we dance around the issue and turn things around so that somehow everything that happens is my fault, then I'm standing up and walking out of here. If you want to stick to the issue, then by all means, let's talk."

He was silent for a moment, glaring at her, and she stared determinedly back at him. When it looked as though he was wordlessly agreeing to her terms, she asked quietly,

"Why did you do it, James?"

He snorted, then broke eye contact and directed his gaze at the professor's table where thankfully only one person was sitting, engrossed in a book. He was shaking his head as though rejecting her words, and so she went on, "If he'd said something horrible, at least that would have been a reason for dragging him through the mud like that...but he didn't."

He looked back at her and stated firmly, "He has some kind of problem with me...he has for a long time now. It was obvious the minute I walked into the room."

"As I recall, none of us cheered when you walked in. We were giving ourselves headaches, we were concentrating so hard on getting that potion right. And anyway, that isn't the point...the point is, you did it on purpose."

"What?"

"Look," she began, rubbing her temple, "I've been thinking about it all afternoon. Don't you think that I would love to provide you with some kind of excuse in my head? Don't you think I'd be relieved if I could think of just one reason Tim deserved the verbal lashing and public humiliation you gave him today? I would...but I can't. Not only was it completely unprovoked, but as I thought back on it...James, you provoked him."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes...you drew him into a seemingly innocent conversation, and then you used his own words to tear him apart. It was deliberate, and it was a horrible thing to do. I just...I can't reconcile the person I saw in you today with the person I thought was..."

She hesitated, and he prodded, "Was what?"

She looked him in the eye as she finished, "Getting to be a very close friend of mine."

He didn't react violently, but she could see it in his eyes...that stung him. He was hurt, and as usual that hurt manifested itself outwardly as anger. His eyes narrowed, he leaned over the table and hissed, "I don't know where you got your definition of friendship, but from what I've learned all my life it's a matter of loyalty. You don't write off your friends when they do things you don't approve of...you accept their flaws, because it's worth it. If you can't do that – if you can't handle the aspects of my personality that you don't understand or can't find somewhere within yourself – then maybe it's you that's rubbish."

Touché, she thought wryly as the sting from his harsh evaluation pierced her. Sighing, she decided it wasn't worth it to continue hurting each other...it wouldn't solve anything, and who knows what kind of damage would be done when they finished. Leaning forward so that she could lower her voice to a near whisper as a couple more stragglers wandered in for a late meal, she replied, "I think you know how much I appreciate and care about you, and I can't imagine that you would need me to remind you."

This seemed to catch him off guard...she could literally see his eyes soften as his eyes roamed her face. She went on, "Being a good friend also doesn't mean blindly approving of everything your friend does if you think it's wrong...and I think what you did to Tim Connelly today was wrong."

He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. Finally, blowing out a breath, he said in a subdued voice, "I know you probably don't see it, Lily...the entire lead up to what happened was so subtle even Sirius didn't catch on right away. The minute I walked into the room, Connelly made it clear he didn't want me in there."

"James..."

"It had nothing to do with the work he wanted to get done. He's had a problem with me for years...we just don't interact, so it doesn't get noticed."

"James, if it was so subtle, you could have just ignored it."

"No," he insisted, running his hand through his hair, "I don't know, I suppose I could have...but I wouldn't."

She contemplated this for a moment, and he elaborated, "He was trying to belittle me in front of...other people. You may not approve, but I stand by what I did...I couldn't just sit there and take it."

She considered it proud and arrogant, and still thought what he did was ultimately cruel...but how could she argue with this? For all she knew, she was overreacting...she didn't know much about it, to be honest. Shrugging, she replied honestly, "Fair enough...but I still can't accept it."

He nodded and said unenthusiastically, "Fair enough."

They sat in silence for a moment, regarding each other, and then he turned his head and caught sight of something. Sighing, he stood and walked over to where he had chucked her copy of "Contemporary Charmwork". Picking it up off the table and shaking the creases out, he came back and handed it to her without apology. She took it without thanks.

He looked at his watch and frowned. "I have to go...I'm late."

"For what?"

"I have to meet with the other three...bloody hell, I'm late."

She stood and gathered her things. "Well, that's alright...I was going to go and read the rest of this in bed. I'm tired...we started early this morning."

He nodded, then led the way out of the Great Hall. At the door, they stood looking at each other for a moment, neither one feeling totally at ease with the resolution – or lack thereof – of their argument. However, this was just one of those things that was going to have to fade with a little time.

"See you later," he said, turning and taking off down the corridor.

"See you," she called after him, and then turned in the opposite direction and headed back to Gryffindor Tower, looking forward to simply letting this day end. When Lily got back to the dorms she was surprised to find Helen in bed already, sick with a cold. She'd apparently been to the hospital wing for a pepper-up hours ago, but she was dealing with a raging case of sinus infection and refused to take anything else...she didn't like medicine of any kind. After being assured that all Helen needed was a good night's sleep and that she had consented to a very mild sleeping draught which hadn't taken effect yet, Lily got into her pajamas and crawled into bed to read for awhile.

Just as she yawned and thought that perhaps she should call it a night, she heard the dormitory door open with a click and a faint squeak. Her blood froze as she closed her book and leaned forward, every muscle getting ready to spring from the bed as she listened to the rapidly approaching footsteps. Before she could call out to Helen or react in any way whatsoever, her bedcurtains were shoved aside and she was faced with an extremely agitated James Potter. It took her a mere two milliseconds to realize that something was very, very wrong with him.

"What's happened?" she demanded.

"Shh," he admonished her as he threw a quick glance over at where Helen was sleeping soundly under the influence of her mild draught, "I need you. Quick."

"What?"

"I need your help."

His tone didn't leave any room for discussion...plus, he had his hand on her wrist and was quite literally pulling her out of her bed. He was dirty and his clothes were torn in some places...and her stomach turned as she got a closer look at him and realized that his white shirt was also stained with blood.

"Are you hurt?" she demanded, grabbing his sleeve and pulling it closer to her face, her voice hard as though she was bracing herself for the truth.

"Come on, hurry," he commanded sharply, impatiently disentangling his arm from her grasp and pulling her dressing gown off of the bedpost where it was hanging, practically throwing it at her in his haste. She decided against arguing with him as she got a good look at his eyes...they were wild with panic, and it frightened her out of her wits to see it. She stood and barely got time to put both feet in her slippers before he seized her hand and dragged her behind him down the stairs, out the portrait hole, and through the corridors of the castle. She didn't know where they were going, and her anxiety and anger at his refusal to tell her anything got the best of her as she demanded again,

"Answer me. Are you hurt?"

"No," he replied flatly, looking around as he stepped out into the fairly bright night, still pulling her behind him. "It's not my blood."

His cryptic and extremely disturbing answer made her stomach turn, and she felt wary about pressing him further. Once he was a few paces away from the castle, she got the breath jolted out of her as he broke into a full sprint, his hand still painfully gripping hers. She broke into a sweat as she tried valiantly to keep up with his longer strides, but she wasn't as athletic as he was and he was making no concessions to that fact. At some point she stumbled as she lost a slipper and she tried to slow down as if to go back for it, but he wouldn't have it.

"Come on, dammit!" he snapped urgently, hauling her up, and she resolutely kicked off the other one as well, hoping like mad she wouldn't step on any rocks in her bare feet as they kept running in the direction of the Quidditch pitch. Thankfully for him, she was much to harried and scared to be angry. After what seemed like forever and just when she was thinking she was going to have to force him to slow down so that she could catch her breath, he rounded a corner near the stands and she found herself standing in front of the supply shed. After a quick glance around, he opened the door and grasped her by the arms, pushing her inside ahead of him.

"Lumos," he murmured, making his way across the small room. He'd let go of her by now, and she struggled to avoid tripping over anything as she squinted into the dark room...the only illumination came from the moonlight streaming through a single, small window. Her stomach twisted as she was finally able to make out what she was seeing.

Sirius Black was lying prostrate on a bench, breathing heavily and erratically. His clothes were soaked with something, and Lily knew that it was blood. She just knew it. As she strode over to him, she could smell it...the air in the place was hot and stuffy, and there was no ventilation coming through.

"My God," she said in an undertone, frowning and rubbing her forehead, "What happened?"

"I need you fix it," James insisted, ignoring her question, and she turned and balked at him, her eyes narrowed as she tried to read his face in the dim light.

"You're joking."

"Does this look funny to you?" he replied, agitated and obviously beside himself with concern for his friend. She shook her head, ignoring all this and trying to think rationally.

"He needs to go to the hospital."

"NO," Sirius panted suddenly, his voice cracking through the darkness of the shed like a whip, "No hospital."

She spun to face him, only to find his eyes closed as he dealt with whatever pain he was feeling. "You need to be seen by Madam Pomfrey..."

Now his voice came in a near snarl as he interrupted angrily, "Don't you DARE call the bloody nurse."

James, still addressing her as though this conversation wasn't happening, repeated, "You have to patch him up."

"Are you mad?" she exclaimed, rounding on him furiously, "Look at him, for God's sake! I can't..."

"Yes, you can," James broke in, stepping forward so that he was standing right in front of her, his voice softer as though he was trying to coax her into doing it, "You're brilliant with charmwork, you always have been. I can't do it, but you can."

She shook her head even as she crossed over to where Sirius lay and determinedly pulled his shirt open. Grimacing, she took out her wand out. "Lumos."

Holding it close to his torn skin, she could see plainly now that there were lacerations everywhere...even on his face. She didn't know how serious they were, but she knew she shouldn't be agreeing to this. It was way out of the realm of student capability...and even if she could do it, it wasn't her place.

"What if something happens? What if I make it worse?" she asked, her voice steely as she looked across at James. He shook his head and replied,

"You were never here. No one would know."

"I'd know."

They stared at each other for a long moment in tense silence. Then, against her better judgment, she waved James over.

"Hold your wand here so that I can see what I'm doing...if that even makes a difference."

He obeyed instantly. She closed her eyes and blew out a breath, mumbling to herself, "Okay...okay, I need to remember...the simple healing charms, I don't have time to remember the others...nothing complicated..."

Within seconds she was carefully sealing Black's wounds as best she could with her limited experience, shocking herself with her ability to keep a steady hand under this kind of pressure. After a few minutes of total concentration, and after she'd become a bit more confident that she at least wasn't going to do him any further damage, she demanded, "I want you to tell me what the hell happened."

Neither of them spoke, and she looked up and met James' eyes with a steady gaze. "Answer me."

James' eyes moved slowly from her to Sirius, who had opened his eyes at her question. Now he had his black eyes narrowed at James as he warned dangerously, "Don't you dare."

James swallowed. "She's repairing your ripped up body, mate."

"I said no," Sirius repeated, his voice cold and resolute.

Lily felt her anger rapidly approaching the boiling point...the situation was simply too dire, too absurd, for her to be tactful. Gritting her teeth as she pinched one of Black's wounds closed and positioned her wand, she decided to forgo the games and asked, "Where is he now?"

They both looked at her, and Sirius grunted through the pain, "Who the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't treat me like I'm daft!" she snapped lividly, "Remus. Where is he now?"

"What's he got to do with anything?" Sirius shot back, and Lily replied,

"He did this to you, didn't he?"

Nothing but total silence followed her blunt assumption, but she could practically hear everyone's minds working as she finished with one wound and swiped at the perspiration on her forehead before moving on to the next. Finally, Sirius spoke.

"Why would you think Remus had anything to do with this?"

He tried to sound irritable, but he was taken aback, and it was evident in his tone. Shaking her head, Lily replied harshly, "Stop it. I know everything already."

"What's everything?" Sirius shot back.

"Look," she explained, swiping at her forehead again, "I've known for a long time. Just tell me one thing...is he confined, or is he roaming out there somewhere where he's a danger to himself or others?"

Another silence followed this, but it was merely the eye of the hurricane. All at once, it was as though the place had exploded...Sirius heaved himself to a sitting position, jarring Lily's wand and causing a huge red mark on what was previously healthy flesh. He was bellowing at James, who was still glaring at Lily in confusion.

"Why the bloody hell would you tell her about that? It wasn't your secret to tell, you arrogant bastard!"

James snapped out of his thoughts and rounded on Sirius, his eyes blazing behind his glasses. "Shut up...you have no idea what you're talking about, dammit. I haven't said anything about that to her!"

"Of all the irresponsible, pig-headed, selfish..."

"I've just told you, you bloody idiot! I would never betray that to anyone...I don't care who..."

Lily couldn't stand it any longer...she was getting a headache, and was watching as Sirius created more pain for himself and more work for her by becoming overwrought. Holding her hands up, she cried, "Will you just STOP?"

Sirius turned to her and snarled, "You can keep your bloody mouth shut...this isn't any of your concern."

At this, James completely lost his temper. "We made it her concern when we asked her to help us, and you'd best remember that, you ungrateful wanker!."

"Look, no one TOLD me," she interrupted furiously, "I figured it out a long time ago! I mean, is that so hard to believe, considering I've read entire books on the subject of lycanthropy? It's actually pretty obvious to anyone who can read the clues correctly...so lay back down and let me finish this, or you're going to pass out from blood loss."

Sirius glared at her for a moment longer, then slowly and reluctantly did as she said. Once she was back to work, she asked again, "So, where is he?"

A pause, then James replied quietly, "He's confined."

"Like an animal, right?" Sirius added bitterly, then winced as Lily lifted his arm to check his side for cuts.

Lily shook her head in frustration. "I can't believe this...I can't believe you would take this risk. Animagi or no, I..."

"Right," Sirius interrupted, throwing a triumphant look at James, "Apparently there are some things you'll betray."

James was quiet for a moment as he looked out the window at the moon, and then he said simply, "I told her about me, that's all. She must have figured out the rest."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here," Lily complained, then a thought hit her and she asked, "Where's Peter?"

They looked at each other, and then James replied, "We don't know."

"Well, is he hurt?"

Sirius snorted. "Hurt? He didn't have time to get hurt. Ran away so fast he was a blur...bloody coward."

"You don't know," James defended his missing friend, "He could be..."

"He's not, alright?" Sirius insisted, his voice rising in pain as Lily gingerly folded a loose flap of skin over to cover the open wound that was exposed. Wanting to change the subject, as it was clear James was worried about Peter, Lily continued on the previous topic.

"It wasn't too hard to put together. But animagi or no, this was totally irresponsible. When I think of how much worse it could have been..."

"Oh, spare us, Head Girl!" Sirius snapped, and Lily shot back,

"You could have been killed! Or someone else...someone who had nothing to do with it! You should be thanking God that this is all that happened!"

Wisely, Sirius didn't reply to that, and she didn't persue the matter. She'd gotten her point across. After another three-quarters of an hour working steadily, Lily finally managed to close up most of the more serious abraisions. Standing back and looking him over, she said worriedly, "I really wish you'd let me get someone..."

"No," James cut her off, giving his head a shake, "No one else can know. It's fine...you managed to get it under control."

"But those bruises...and there could be infection..."

"We'll deal with that if it happens," Sirius said as he made an effort to sit up, "Just...get me back to the Tower..."

He was obviously exhausted and still in no small amount of pain, so James hoisted him off the bench and helped him walk to the door. As they were about to go out, Lily started and said, "Oh...the bloodstains...we can't leave them."

Turning, she performed a swift cleaning on the small shed, hoping that she'd gotten it all. Resolving herself to the fact that she was going to have to find a way to get back there in the morning to make sure and thanking God there was no game scheduled for tomorrow, she turned back toward the door and followed James and a limping Sirius Black out into the night. As they walked back to the castle, Lily prayed that no one saw them...it would be over, everything would be over. Not only was she worried about someone seeing them, but she couldn't help feeling extremely frightened as the full moon beat down on their heads. She hoped they were right about Remus being confined...because they may be amimagi, but she had no such defense. The thought sent a chill creeping up her spine and she shivered as she pushed it out of her mind.

After what seemed like forever due to the slow pace they were taking in deferrence to Black's condition, they finally got to Gryffindor Tower. Lily waited downstairs as James took Sirius up the the dorms, sitting tiredly on the couch. She wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but she was still not convinced that James wasn't hurt and she needed to make sure. She didn't see how Sirius could be in such horrible shape and James wouldn't have a scratch on him. When he came back down the stairs, however, he didn't even look at her...he strode right to the portrait hole and Lily realized with a jolt that he was about to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asked, jumping to her feet.

"I have to do something," he replied shortly, and she ran over and grabbed his arm before he could go.

"What?"

He tried to shrug her off, and she became angry all over again. Dropping his arm, she declared resolutely, "If you walk through that portrait hole, I swear I'll get the nurse."

He froze, then spun around. "What?"

"You heard me...I'll find the nurse. Or whoever will come."

For a moment he looked as though he was going to slap her. "You can't mean that you'd actually..."

"I would...don't test me."

James stood in stunned silence for a moment, and then he swore viciously and spat, "Of all the petty, disloyal...they're all in this bind because of ME! It's MY bloody fault! I was late in meeting them because I stupidly felt that I had to go and settle a sodding argument I was having with YOU about something I said to that bloody PONCE Tim Connelly!"

"I won't have you getting hurt!" she burst out angrily, ignoring his pointed insults, "I won't be patching up your blood-soaked body next! Not if I can stop it from happening!"

This effectively stopped his tirade. Blinking, obviously caught off guard, he replied, "I won't get hurt."

"How can you know that?"

"Because," he yelled, obviously at the end of his patience with the entire night, "He doesn't hurt us when we're not in human form!"

"Fine then, tell me something," she shot back, her patience waning as well, "When Sirius was nearly torn to pieces, was he really Sirius or was he Padfoot?"

Now he was the one who looked as though he'd been slapped. He blew out a frustrated breath and ran both hands through his hair, glancing frantically at the portrait hole. Finally, he said in a more subdued voice, "Look...I won't go to Remus. You're right...there's nothing I can do now. I just...I have to go find Peter..."

"No, James...NO."

"Lily, for all I know he got trampled!" he implored, stepping closer to her and leaning down a bit so that they were eye to eye, "I have to go and make sure he's alright...I told you, Remus is back where he belongs. Before, with Sirius...that was a fluke. I won't even go near him."

She regarded him for a long moment, then said, "You promise you won't put yourself in danger?"

"I swear to you I won't go near him."

She sighed, then nodded and said, "I'll keep my mouth shut."

He didn't reply...he just turned and left. Feeling like she wanted to just sit down and weep, she went over to the couch and lowered herself slowly into it. Her head was pounding, and she leaned back against the cushions...she didn't know what she would do if he wasn't back within the hour, because she most defininitely had no intention of going up to bed until he got back.

Saying a little prayer that nothing had happened to poor Peter, she pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. She didn't even realize that she'd fallen asleep until she woke up again to the sight of James leaning over her. Stirring confusedly, she became gradually aware of his hand gently shaking her awake. Trying to get her eyes to focus correctly, she asked groggily, "What happened?"

His voice was almost a whisper as he replied, "I found him."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," he replied tiredly, sitting down beside her and leaning his head back, "He just went up."

She nodded and pushed herself up straight. "Good...that's a relief. I knew I wasn't going to be able to go to sleep knowing you were still out there."

He didn't respond right away, but he acknowledged her by lightly taking her hand in his. After a moment he said, "I know you think we're idiots."

She didn't answer, mostly because she didn't know how. She did think they were idiots to take such a risk, much less multiple times, but this was hardly the time to express it. She was simply relieved that everyone had gotten back safe and sound...with the exception of Remus, and she comforted herself by remembering that he'd been dealing with the problem all his life. When she didn't say anything, James closed his eyes and went on,

"It's hard to explain the reasons behind it, because they make perfect sense to us but I know they sound ridiculous. We worked so hard...you have no idea. I've never put so much effort into anything as I did into figuring out how to transfigure myself. Sirius, too...it was the two of us, every spare minute we could get, pouring over books and manuals, performing tests. We were figuring it out for Peter as well...he's such a good bloke, Peter. He just doesn't have the academic ability to pull a lot of stuff off, but he makes up for it with loyalty."

She nodded. "I know."

Sighing, he continued, "I felt like I needed to show him – Remus – that he wasn't such an outcast. When we really got to know him, it was like he'd resigned himself to the fact that he was never going to live a normal life...hell, that he was never going to live at all. No friends, no girls who would have him...it really bothered me, thinking about that. That's why we did it...and that's why we've continued to do it."

She didn't know what to say, so she simply gave his hand a little squeeze to show she was listening. He squeezed back and then swallowed, his brows drawn together in distress as he told her his deepest feelings about his best-kept secret. His voice cracked a bit as he concluded, "I can't explain to you what it's like...when we're in our animagi forms. It's like...you're the same person, but you exist in a completely different reality. When we'd transfigure ourselves for that one night a month, it was as though we could get away from whatever stresses were in our lives at the time and just...exist. And Remus...he could feel as though there was less of a void between his life and ours, because we could sympathize with him better than most. That's why we did it...and maybe we are idiots, but we were trying to do some good for someone."

Finally, he stopped. Taking a breath and thinking about all of this for a moment, she looked at him...and then decided not to speak. Not tonight. His voice had dwindled to a near whisper as he'd expounded on all this, and now he was breathing steadily...he was falling asleep. Wanting him to at least get a couple of hours in before he had to get up again, she reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "James..."

His eyes flickered open, and she stood and said, "James...come on."

"What?"

"You need to get to bed for a bit...you're exhausted," she insisted, feeling exhausted herself as she leaned down and pulled him up by his arm. He nodded, rubbing his eyes under his glasses, and she kept her hold on his arm as they went up the stairs to the landing where they would go into their separate dorms. Once there, she asked, "Are you going to be alright?"

He looked at her and nodded, then took her face in both of his hands.

"Thank you," he said softly, his voice completely drained of energy but genuine and undisguised in its expression of his utter gratitude. Now that there was nothing else for him to worry about getting done or getting fixed, it was almost as though he was hovering on the edge of a breakdown...she wouldn't have been surprised if he'd burst into tears right then and there. Instead, he Leaned down and he pressed his lips heavily to her cheek. She felt a shiver work its way up her arms despite herself as his chin stubble scratched her jaw, and he didn't pull away.

His breath tickled her face as he sighed tiredly and lowered his forehead to rest against hers, completely exhausted. Beginning to worry that he might fall asleep right then and there, she took a breath to say that he should go up at the same moment he turned his head so that their noses grazed each other. Taking a step closer to her, his hands still on either side of her face, he kissed her gently on the mouth. She didn't pull away...somehow it didn't feel wrong. It had been a grueling couple of hours, and she was as filled with relief to have it over and everyone safe as he was with gratitude and guilt over the entire thing...him giving her a light kiss just didn't feel like an inappropriate expression of all this.

It became clear, however, that they were acting under the fogged judgement of emotional strain as the seconds ticked by and he didn't pull away. When they should have broken it off, James deepened it...and it was soon clear that there was no longer any way to imagine that it was completely platonic. A line had been crossed. She knew she should be pushing him off...not kissing him back. Not becoming swept up in the moment. Certainly not thinking that she could give herself just a few more minutes before she had to wake up and face a reality where this was not acceptable between them. He kissed her deeply, open-mouthed, languidly...and Lily let him. She let him stroke her tongue with his and lost herself in the feel of his breath on her lips until finally, as naturally and unhurriedly as it had begun, it ended. He pulled away and rested his forehead in the crook of her neck as they both worked to breathe normally.

After a few moments, when Lily's heart had slowed a bit from its previously frantic pace, she put her hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head and looked at her, then abruptly closed his eyes, his brows drawn together.

"I'm sorry. God..." he began hurriedly, a bit desperately, as though snapping out of a daze.

"No, it's fine," she interrupted him quietly.

"Lily, I'm...I don't know what..."

"James," she assured him sincerely, "Don't worry...you've had enough stress for one night, alright? Just...don't worry about it."

He didn't respond to this in any other way but by swallowing and continuing to shake his head as he brought both hands up to cover his face. Stricken, afraid he was going to start sobbing in his obvious overwhelming frustration and self-loathing, she took his wrists and pulled his hands away from his face so that he'd have to look her in the eye. She didn't want this to become one more thing to chip at his already fragile grip on himself, so she insisted, "Please get some rest...you need it. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

He nodded despondantly, and she asked again, "You'll be alright?"

"Yeah," he replied gruffly.

She gave his arm a squeeze before turning to go up to her own dorm, hoping he wouldn't be playing this over in his mind now along with everything else. He felt guilty about Remus, about Peter and Sirius...and now he didn't need one more thing to hate himself for. She understood his mindset and she was fully aware of what had led up to that kiss, and she knew that he fully regretted it now. Creeping into her dorm and crawling back into bed, Lily ended up thinking about it long and hard before she could even begin to feel settled enough to sleep.

She hadn't wanted it...she didn't think she would do it again. Still, it had felt right at the time. It had been like nothing else she'd ever experienced, like a melding of two people's tension and angst into a physical outpouring of comfort and gratitude...tempered with an unavoidable, if surprising, surge of physical attraction. It had been an experience that could only exist in a moment like that...when she was still half-asleep and he was wracked with guilt, and they'd both been through so much in a mere couple of hours.

Really, it wasn't all that hard to understand...the factors were very clear. As for the physical response she'd felt, she was surprising herself by not feeling all that apprehensive about it. They were closer than they'd ever expected to be to each other. Over the course of the year, they had been through a lot of suffering and shared many of their deepest insecurities and secrets. The fact that, in a moment of vulnerability, they should stumble upon the fact that they just so happened to be members of the opposite sex...it just didn't seem all that unusual to her.

It probably happened all the time...she'd never had a close friend who was a boy before, so she didn't know for sure. All she knew was that it didn't have to change anything if they didn't want it to change.

Finally turning over, unable to keep her eyes open, she just hoped she could convey all this to him when she saw him next.

To Be Continued in Chapter Eleven

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower