TITLE: "Crossroads"
AUTHOR: Emmyjean J/L
RATING: PG-13
Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she'd always thought she'd known.
DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: A Rock and a Hard Place
Lily went to breakfast the next morning feeling better than she would have thought after such a horrible night. She supposed it had helped that she'd bothered to think things through before she went to sleep...it made her feel less like a fish out of water, waiting for the next thing to happen or the next confrontation. Her Mum had always told her to sleep on things, but Lily supposed that she was only just now beginning to understand exactly what that meant.
Understanding all this didn't make the prospect of facing James any easier, though. She didn't know what she was going to say, and she knew that he was probably somewhere in the castle killing himself over what had happened between them. She knew as sure as she was sitting there that her unfussy write-off of the whole incident the night before was not going to be enough to ease his conscience, especially after everything else that had been going on.
Pushing her uneaten breakfast away from her, she stood and started to gather her books, resolved to being late to her first lesson so that she could go and see how Remus was doing. She knew she'd find James there, and probably Sirius...at least, she hoped Sirius would be there. If he wasn't, then that meant he'd still be in bed...and that would worry her.
Before she could get up from the table, however, the owls began to flutter in with the morning post. While this would normally not have fazed her, she was halted by the surprise depositing of a white envelope right in front of her, on top of her cold oatmeal. Lily frowned at it, then set her books down again and picked it up...and something that felt like a boulder dropped in her stomach as she recognized the handwriting immediately.
It was a letter from Petunia.
Inexplicably afraid to read its contents, she stalled for a moment by carefully wiping the specks of oatmeal off of the front. Swallowing and glancing up at the ceiling, as though she was expecting something else to drop from the sky, she slid her trembling fingernail into the slot on the side of the envelope and tore it open. Slowly, she unfolded the letter and began to read.
As she walked out of the Great Hall and into the corridor in a kind of sick daze, she stopped short as she caught sight of James. He was leaning against the wall across the way with his arms folded over his chest, and it was obvious that he'd been waiting for her to come out. She could see that he hadn't slept much...his eyes were rimmed with red, his face was pale, and he hadn't shaved or combed his hair. He wasn't wearing his robes, so she could only assume he had no intention of going to class today. Walking over, she offered a strained smile and commented, "You look almost as bad as I probably do."
He shook his head as his eyes roamed her face, then replied, "You look fine."
"Why didn't you just come in and sit down?"
He lifted his shoulders noncommittally and replied, "I'm not hungry."
"Oh," was all she could manage, and then they stood there for an awkward moment before he said, "Look, I have to get back to the hospital, but I had to catch you before you went to class. I had to talk to you."
"How is he?" she asked before he could go on, unconsciously trying to put some kind of verbal distance between this conversation and what was on both their minds, especially now that she had an entirely separate problem plaguing her. He blinked, and then replied,
"Er...which one?"
"Remus...or, I don't know. Sirius, Peter...all of the above?"
"They're...well, Remus is pretty bad. Not so bad that anyone's overly worried...I mean, he's been bad before...but still, I suppose it just seems worse because of the circumstances."
She nodded, and then asked, "And Sirius?"
James managed a small smile. "Fine, of course. He had good help."
"Good," she said, smiling a little at his small compliment, "Keep me updated, will you? I was really worried...and I still am."
He nodded, then after a brief pause he said, "I...also wanted to apologize to you for everything that happened last night."
"James, you don't have to..."
"No...no," he interrupted firmly, and she couldn't help noticing a slight catch in his voice, "I need to say this to you, because thinking about it robbed me of the little sleep I could have had this morning. I...look, I know I put you in a terrible place. Several times, in fact. I dragged you out of your bed and across the grounds, I forced you to participate in something you had nothing to do with, I acted like a bastard for the most part, and then..."
He paused, and she looked down at her shoes as his eyes flicked uncomfortably to hers. There was no small amount of shame in his gaze. He continued, with some difficulty, "Last night, I was just...gutted. I was already grateful for everything you did, and I was thinking about it as I walked back to the castle after I found Wormtail. Then when I walked in and saw that you'd waited up for me…I just...I don't know."
"I know," she agreed, "Believe me, I do."
His eyes snapped up to meet hers, and he seemed to search her face for a moment before he went on with slightly more confidence, "I don't want you to feel like I...expect that. The truth is that I was trying to thank you as sincerely as I could, and...well, that's how it manifested. I'm sorry."
Sighing, she said, "Don't be. I don't regret anything."
He looked at her for a long moment, as though he thought she might be lying but was hoping to God she wasn't. "You don't?"
"No," she replied honestly, "It didn't feel...wrong. I mean, I suppose it wasn't a completely normal thing to do..."
"It felt good," he interrupted quietly, his eyes watching her closely.
"Yes," she conceded, "I...I know. I just..."
She paused, struggling for words and at a complete loss as to what she should say. She felt her face growing hot as flashes from last night assaulted her...his hands on her face, that kiss...but especially the look in his eyes. She didn't really know what he wanted from her anymore...she didn't know what was the right thing to do. She was very confused, and it scared her. Desperate for aid of any kind, she looked up at him imploringly and found him scanning her face, his expression unreadable.
"Look," he finally said, lowering his voice and leaning closer to her so no one else could overhear him, "You don't have to say anything. I didn't really expect you to...I just wanted to make sure you weren't uncomfortable with me now, that's all. Let's just...not let this change anything, alright?"
She smiled only a bit uneasily and nodded. They stood in silence for a moment, and then she said idly, "I should get to class. Are you...?"
"I have to go back up there," he answered her unspoken question, his voice back to normal volume, "I won't be in class at all today. You probably won't see me, unless...you're up late."
She correctly read his silent request, and nodded. "I probably will be. I...want to talk to you about something. Something else."
Frowning slightly, he asked, "Anything wrong?"
She was about to say there wasn't when suddenly, for some reason, she changed her mind and decided to tell him the truth. "Sort of...yeah. I...I'm having a problem. I could use some help, or...just an ear."
Regarding her concernedly but thankfully refraining from commenting further, he merely nodded and said, "Sure. I'll come back to the common room later tonight...we can talk then."
She nodded back, and they looked at each other for a moment before he finally turned away and called over his shoulder, "See you later, then."
"Right...tell Remus I...um...tell him..."
"I'll tell him."
Then with a final wave, she was walking up to her first lesson of the day and feeling as though she would rather be doing almost anything else...but still not able to convince herself to skip it. Sighing as she went up the stairs, she wished that it was night already...she couldn't stand to feel nauseated, and she was going to be feeling it all day, every time she thought about her sister, until she could get it off her chest later on.
As promised, she waited up for James in the common room that night. It was nearly one o'clock by the time he finally made it in, and he looked drawn and pale from lack of sleep.
"Hey," he greeted, practically collapsing into a chair opposite her, and taking his glasses off to rub his face with his hands, "So, what's on your mind?"
She raised an eyebrow, "Other than your health?"
He peeked out at her from behind his fingers, then drew a breath and said, "I'm fine...fatigue never killed anyone. Remus is fine...should be out of hospital in a week or so. Sirius is fine, obviously...so, you said you had something to tell me?"
She hesitated. "You...don't want to talk about...any of that?"
Regarding her earnestly, he replied, "No...not right now. I sort of just...want to forget about it for awhile."
She studied him for a moment until he became slightly uncomfortable and said only half-jokingly, "Besides, I thought that hearing about your problems might take my mind off my own."
She looked down at her hands, a pang of dread hitting her at having to talk about her sister, and replied, "Well...if this doesn't do it, then nothing will...because this is quite a problem."
He frowned slightly and put his glasses back on so that he could see her clearly and sat up in his chair, ready to listen. She told him everything...and when she'd finished speaking he merely stared at her. The only sound in the room for a few moments was the crackling of the fireplace. Finally, he clarified in a tone which sounded more like he was making a statement than asking a question, "So...she wants you to come and live with her?"
"Yes."
He didn't press her...he just sat there, his eyes holding hers with a steady gaze that held a veiled expression. Slowly, he lifted his hand and to rub his eyes under his glasses. After a moment in which she didn't really know how to proceed, he asked, "When would this happen?"
"As soon as I leave Hogwarts."
He shook his head slightly, then blew out a small huff of humorless laughter. "So...I'm guessing she wants you to forget about entering into Auror training afterwards?"
Lily nodded slowly and clarified, "She wants me to forget about everything."
Eyes narrowed, he asked, "What does that mean...everything?
"Everything," she repeated, "The wizarding world."
James stared at her incredulously. "How exactly would you do that? You're part of it."
"Well, I wouldn't be anymore if I lived with her. That's the point."
He shook his head again as though struggling to wrap his brain around the notion, then asked, "What did you tell her?"
Lily suddenly felt her palms begin to sweat and her face flush with dread at what she was going to have to say next. Taking a breath, she replied frankly, "I haven't told her anything yet...I don't know what to do, really."
He didn't react immediately...he remained very still, staring at her with his brows furrowed. After a few seconds he blinked and said, "What do you mean, you don't know what to do?"
She opened her mouth to explain her reasoning, but then something about the way he was looking at her made her break down. She buried her face in her hands and whispered frustratedly, "I don't know what to do, I just...everything's so strained and...and confusing..."
"Alright," he said soothingly as he got up from the chair he was sitting in and came over to crouch down easily in front of her, "Alright...calm down. It's okay...you were caught off guard. It's understandable."
"If I tell her no, I won't do it, then she simply won't talk to me even again."
He heaved a sigh and scanned her face. "Well...that doesn't sound like something you can change, Lily. That's on her, not you."
"I know...you're right, but...how can I just turn away from her, James? She's the only family I have left."
"Even so, think of the alternative," he responded quietly, "You've worked so hard for this...to have this opportunity to get involved. You've told me a million times that it was all you wanted to be doing, fighting against the Deatheaters...and going with your sister would mean the end of it."
"I know, but...I want so badly to reconcile with her, too. In spite of everything that's happened, she wrote to me. It makes me believe that she wants to fix what's wrong."
"She's making you feel like you're the one who should be bending over backwards to make amends...it's not right, Lily."
She stared at him for a moment, and then swallowed and covered her mouth with her hand as she struggled with herself. "Maybe from your point of view, but from hers...oh, I just don't know what to do."
"Just be honest with yourself," he urged, his voice measured and calm, "Do you want to give it all up for her?"
She thought about this for a long moment. Finally, she answered slowly, "I wanted to do this training more than anything I've ever wanted in my life...because of what happened to my parents. I wanted to avenge them in any way I could, and I felt that it would be the only way I had to keep them close to me. I don't know, I can't...I can't explain it very well. I just know that when Petunia walked through that door, I started thinking about what my parents would really have wanted me to do if they were gone...and reconciling with my sister would unquestionably win over avenging their deaths and possibly getting myself killed in the process."
He stared at her for a moment, then blew out a breath and said earnestly, "Lily, I didn't know your parents. I wish I could have, but unfortunately the only way I know them is through you. Based on what you've told me about them, I can't help but think that if they were here, they wouldn't want this. I don't care how much they would have wanted to see you two reconciled...they wouldn't want you to give up your ambitions for the future."
She looked at him for a long moment...and then something inside her began to settle. The churning in her stomach subsided, and she suddenly realized that she'd made a decision.
"You're right," she said, her voice coming out evenly now, "You're right, James. I can't possibly do what she's asking me to do...and she's wrong to ask it in the first place."
He nodded, but didn't say anything more on the subject. She had the feeling that he had a few choice words to say about her sister, but was not saying them out of respect for Lily. She was very grateful for that...it had always made her so uncomfortable when Arabella used to badmouth Petunia. At the thought of Arabella, Lily couldn't help smiling and raising an eyebrow. James' brows furrowed and he demanded lightly,
"What?"
"Nothing, I...it's just a good thing that Bella isn't here to know about this."
James seemed completely bewildered. "Why?"
"Because," Lily explained sarcastically, "She might have insisted on writing the response letter herself...and then I'd have the police coming after me for making death threats."
He grinned at this, then shot her a look and said, "Well, did you want me to go ahead with the threatening letters in Arabella's place? I'd be happy to..."
"No!" she said, holding out a hand, and then sobered as she finished, "No...I have to write to her myself. I just have to think for a couple of days on what in the world to say...this may be the last contact we ever have."
James' smile faded as he looked at her, and then he said, "I'm sorry...I shouldn't joke about it. I know it's hard for you."
"No, no," she waved away his apology and smiled at him again, "It's fine...you always make me feel better."
James gazed warmly at her after she'd said this. "I like making you feel better, so...don't thank me."
"I didn't."
They both laughed quietly, and then he said he was going to go to bed and leave her to her thoughts. She remembered then that he hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours. "Go on, then...and for God's sake, don't fall on the stairs. I don't want to have to fill out an accident report for McGonagall."
He quirked a brow at her and patted her on the head as he walked past. "Down, Head Girl."
She swatted his hand away from her and bid him goodnight. After he'd gone, she sat and watched the flames in the fireplace dance. She thought about what she wanted to say to Petunia, how she was going to tell her of her decision...and if there was any way she could do it and still leave the door open for her sister to contact her again in the future if the notion struck her. After three hours of contemplation and debate with herself, she decided that she might as well just write what was in her heart and in her mind while it was fresh and not worry about how her sister would take it.
It was all she really could do, otherwise she'd drive herself crazy. Wearily, she went to one of the tables and sat down to do it before she could second-guess herself. When it was finished, she folded it up and stuck it inside one of her textbooks...she'd send it off before breakfast the following morning. Trudging off to bed, she decided she needed sleep badly if she was going to be able to get through the day tomorrow. Lately, it seemed as though everything that happened was even more stressful than usual.
Whatever they had come to expect from the training class that they had all been attending in the evenings with Dumbledore for the past several months, nothing could have prepared them for the announcement he made that night after they'd settled into their seats. The stunned silence that pervaded inside the circular classroom was almost stifling. Lily watched the headmaster's eyes roam across their faces, gauging their reactions while simultaneously and wordlessly telling them that this was no exaggeration...it was not some kind of test, no matter how much they may have wished it were.
Finally, someone cleared their throat and asked, "All of them? They're all gone?"
Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, Mr. Clemens. They are all gone...and their whereabouts are as yet unknown."
Another silence followed this, and Lily's throat felt so dry that she was finding it hard to swallow. She knew she had to ask, though...she had to ask the question that was on everyone's minds but that everyone was afraid to ask...they were afraid of the answer. Raising her hand in the air to get his attention, she asked Dumbledore, "But, sir...what about the Dementors?"
Dumbledore lifted his chin a bit and fixed his somber blue gaze on her as he replied, "They are unaccounted for at the present time."
The silence then broke into a melee of stunned gasps and angry murmurs as people realized exactly what was happening. Lily felt sick...the Dementors were treacherous, just as Dumbledore and other Ministry officials had long suspected. There had been a breakout at Azkaban...and they had allowed it to happen. She shuddered at the thought of the ramifications of this. James spoke now, having been uncharacteristically silent up until that point,
"What does this mean?"
Everyone quieted to hear Dumbledore's response. "It means, Mr. Potter, that this phenomenon has suddenly exploded into a situation more serious than anyone could have imagined. It means that the leader of this rebellion – who now calls himself Voldemort – has somehow acquired authority and power beyond anyone's darkest nightmares. It means that the Ministry, which has been acting with discretion up until this moment to avoid mass panic, must now strike back with everything they have. In short, it means we are now at the beginning of a war."
If Lily had harbored any doubts before this that a silence could be classified as being loud, she had them negated by the sheer volume of the silence that followed these words. No one moved for what seemed like minutes, and then slowly people started turning their heads and glancing at each other as though wanting for some sort of comfort. Lily averted her eyes from the front of the room and sought only one person...and found his hazel eyes looking right back at her, his black brows furrowed. After letting it sink in, Dumbledore continued,
"Incidentally, what was meant to be a particularly difficult assignment has become a makeshift exam, and it constitutes the final test of your abilities," Lily knew he was talking about the potion, and before she could even wonder about it, the headmaster revealed, "I think you should all know that you have each successfully brewed the Veritaserum potion."
Her jaw dropped as a hushed murmur went through the room...Veritaserum? That was, without a doubt, one of the most complex and tempermental potions to mix...she could hardly believe that they had been in the process of doing it for months without her having caught on. Then again, she reasoned, the recipe wasn't one that you'd find in most potion books. It was strictly guarded, and for good reason...because of its potency, it could be used for many things, not all of them appropriate. Just as she was getting over this, Dumbledore continued,
"The brutal fact is that, in light of the most recent attacks on both Muggle and wizarding homes and now the Azkaban breakout, it has become clear that the Ministry of Magic is simply not equipped to handle a threat of this magnitude. The Auror division, in particularly, is woefully understaffed. They are in need of as much help as is available...and I have proudly informed the Minister of the immense talent I have been fostering in this class for months. I am confident that there is not a single one of you who lacks the potential to make first-class Aurors in your own right. "
Everyone was holding their breath as Dumbledore finished, "It will be difficult, and it would require you to leave school and begin your formal training immediately. You have received as good a foundation as any in this class, and I assure you that your academic credentials will not suffer. However...you all must make your decisions tonight. As I stated earlier, this is no longer a threat...it is a reality. We must fight back, and the more we wait the stronger they become."
Lily looked over and met James' eyes...they silently agreed to do it, as if there was any doubt that they would. She felt somehow better that he was going to be going through it with her. As it turned out, there wasn't a single member of their little order that didn't stand up to sign their names to the parchment Dumbledore had laid on his desk...and the pride their headmaster felt in all of them shone in his still-somber eyes as they committed themselves to service.
Lily leaned against the front desk in the library a couple of hours later, still lost in her own thoughts but now a bit numb to the constant churning of her stomach. She had, of course, signed her name on the list of students Dumbledore was going to send along to the Ministry for Auror training...in fact, she was alternately excited and scared out of her wits by it.
This was it...the opportunity she'd been waiting for to do something. She hadn't even dreamed that it would some so soon, and she was working to push aside the nervousness she felt at the way it had to be done…but she knew that there was nothing in the world that could convince her to let herself be left behind.
"Miss Evans?"
Lily blinked and looked up at the librarian, who was regarding her closely. "Are those the only ones?"
"Sorry?"
"The only ones you have to return?"
"Oh," Lily replied, giving her head a shake and smiling wryly at herself, "Yes...sorry, I was..."
"It's alright," the older woman smiled, "We all have our days, don't we?"
Lily nodded, wondering how many 'days' she would have before she felt normal again. Perhaps this was the end of normalcy as she knew it, she thought, trying not to be too disturbed by this. After all, things change...life was all about change. She'd learned this the hard way during the past year, and if she'd survived so far she should be more than strong enough to face this.
At least, that was what she hoped.
When she finally got back to the portrait hole, she gave the Fat Lady the password and wondered numbly whether that would be the last time she'd have to do that. She couldn't believe everything was happening so fast, and she wished for the thousandth time that day that Arabella wasn't gone. She could really use a chat with her about everything...and it would surely make her feel much more comfortable with the idea of leaving Hogwarts behind.
Stepping into the common room, she wasn't surprised to find it almost completely deserted... except for the three Marauders sleeping in the chairs closest to the fire. Smiling warmly, Lily made her way over to them and stopped in front of James. She stood there silently for a moment, watching the firelight reflecting in his glasses and thinking that it was a good thing she had him in the absence of Arabella. After a moment, she leaned down and whispered his name...he didn't even stir.
"James," she said in a hushed voice as she put her hand on his shoulder and shook him lightly, "James...wake up, it's late."
He slowly opened his eyes and looked up at her blearily. "Hmm?"
"It's late," she repeated, "Why don't you go on up?"
He frowned and looked at his watch, then brought his hand up to pull his glasses off and rub his eyes. He looked as though he was about to go back to sleep, and so she slid her hand down to his arm and gave it a pull. His hand came up to grasp her forearm as he opened his eyes again and blinked.
"What?" he asked, disoriented.
Laughing, she replied, "Come on, James...stand up. You have to go to bed...you're exhausted."
He shook his head and protested, "I wanted to talk to you first. That's why I waited up."
Lily smiled and assured him, "We'll talk tomorrow...on the train. You need some sleep. Come on."
Finally, he relented and stood, looking less than happy about the idea of trudging up an entire flight of stairs. Glancing over, he caught sight of the other two...Peter was snoring softly. Sighing, James walked over and gave Sirius' foot a light kick. He jerked awake, looking grumpy.
"What?" he demanded.
"Come on, you lot," James replied, swatting Peter on the shoulder, "Let's go. Mother's sending us to bed."
He threw Lily a wink as he said it, and she rolled her eyes good-naturedly. She watched as the other two stumbled off to bed, and then she went ahead of James up the stairs. When they got to the point where the staircases diverged to their separate dorms, he turned to her and said, "I'll wait for you tomorrow."
"I think we're all going together, anyway."
"I mean, in the common room...we can walk down together."
She nodded and bid him goodnight, then turned and went upstairs, wondering how she was ever going to get to sleep that night...and if she'd ever sleep again. When she got to the dorm she changed into her pajamas...and then stared at her bed for a moment, finally allowing herself to seriously consider the implications of everything that had happened. The panic that had been threatening to surface in her mind ever since she walked out of Dumbledore's classroom was welling up in her throat, and she clasped her shaking hands together as she sat gingerly on the edge of her bed and stared into the darkness.
Part of her was still having a hard time accepting the idea that this was real...that it was more than just another class or another challenge that had to do with school. This was the real world finally exploding into her life...and now that it was here, she didn't quite know how to react. The following day she would be on a train, heading towards the next chapter in her life, and for the first time she had no idea what it would involve...or who would be there with her.
Giving into temptation, Lily spun around and padded softly back down to the common room. She knew it was a hopeless cause and it would probably just make her look desperate, but...she couldn't just leave and have Petunia wondering where she was, just in case her sister ever wanted to contact her for anything. Sitting down at one of the tables, she pulled from her pocket the note she'd written to herself that morning to remind her to return her books to the library. Turning it over, she grabbed a quill and scribbled a note to Petunia. It was brief and to the point...but at least it was something.
Sighing as she closed her eyes, Lily conceded the full truth to herself...that she still held a tiny speck of hope that Petunia would be inspired, that the desperation of the situation would make her want to at least write and say goodbye. The hope was small, however...and Lily knew it was futile. Rolling her eyes at her own foolishness, she put the note back in her pocket and walked slowly to the portrait hole.
She wanted to deliver it now...and get it out of her mind.
The following afternoon, Lily gazed dazedly at her glass of water. She was only listening with half her attention to what James was saying as the group of students – now aurors-in-training – from Dumbledore's class sat around a table in the Leaky Cauldron. The other half of her brain was trying to process everything that had happened already over the course of the day. She had met James in the common room as promised at half past six, and they'd gone down to breakfast together. They all only had a short time to eat before Dumbledore came for them and led them onto the early train bound for London. It was a strange experience, taking the Hogwarts Express under these circumstances...the train was practically empty. The ride had been nearly silent, each of them lost in their own musings. It was a bleak, gray day.
When they arrived in London, Dumbledore had informed them that he needed to finalize their placement with the Ministry, and that he would return later that evening after he'd spoken to the appropriate people and acquired each of their assignments. He made it clear also that while it wasn't yet too late to back out...now was the time. No one seemed to be considering it...then again, they had barely spoken to each other until this moment.
"They should have asked for help a long time ago," James broke into her thoughts, swishing the butterbeer around in his glass and frowning down at the froth it was making. Lily suspected that he was wishing it was firewhiskey instead.
"What do you mean? Why?" Tim asked, his eyebrows raised, and James leaned back in his chair as he replied,
"It's obvious. I mean, those dementors...I can't see how they wouldn't have assumed they'd cause trouble eventually. Damned unpredictable creatures...and they're the choice of the Ministry for guarding Azkaban? I never understood it, and now look how it ended up...in a breakout."
Raising her eyes from her glass, Lily had her mouth open to agree with him when suddenly she noticed someone standing by the door looking extremely uncomfortable and out of place as she watched them. A mere moment of blankness assaulted Lily before she was hit with a rush of sickening yet somehow euphoric recognition.
It was Petunia.
For an eternity, they just stared at each other across the room. Then Petunia took a small step forward, her hands gripping her bag as though holding onto it for dear life. Lily just sat there, unable to breathe or to take her eyes from her sister. She had imagined a million times what she would do and say if she ever saw Petunia again, and crying had not been one of them...yet that was precisely what she felt like doing. She could see more acutely the amount of time that had passed since she'd last seen Petunia magnified on her older sister's face. She didn't look a mere year older...she looked like she'd aged ten. There were deep stress-induced lines on her face, bags forming under her eyes, she was pale...and gaunt. If Petunia was tall and thin before, she was even more so now...unhealthily so. It pained Lily to see it...she knew the reasons only too well.
After a long silence in which they did nothing but study each other, her sister broke eye contact. Petunia was stiff as she eyed the others, who were totally unaware of anything strange happening...except for James. He sat in sober silence, watching the exchange. Their eyes locked, and for a moment they assessed each other...Petunia didn't know James, but she could see that he knew who she was...even though he'd never laid eyes on her before. Raising her chin slightly, she seemed to defy his curiosity.
Finally, Lily stood and, walking over to face the only family she had left in the world, she suggested in a surprisingly strong voice, "Let's go and have a coffee."
Petunia nodded, and Lily led the way out of the Leaky Cauldron and into the busy London street. Less than a block away was the little coffee shop she had been to many times with her parents before they'd dropped her at school, and she turned into it automatically. Quickly finding a table in the corner, they both sat down. Petunia avoided eye contact, and not much was said for a few minutes until their coffee came. Lily didn't touch hers. Finally, Petunia pulled a newspaper out of her bag and set it down in front of Lily. Lily glanced down at it...it was open to the real estate section.
Looking up, she asked quietly, "Are you moving?"
Petunia's voice was flat as she replied, "I'm married now...we want a house."
At this, a stab of pain assaulted Lily...she hadn't even met the man her sister had married. Feeling her brows draw together and her throat start to burn, she asked more brokenly than she'd intended, "Why did you come here?"
Petunia's expression didn't change. "You wrote to me."
"You wrote me first. And anyway, why didn't you go to the trouble of meeting me when I wrote to you before, all those months ago? Didn't you get that letter?"
"I got it."
A strong wave of disappointment overtook her. She'd secretly been holding out hope that Petunia simply hadn't received the letter asking her to come to their parent's gravesite. Now she knew beyond a doubt...she'd gotten it, and she'd ignored it. Petunia leaned forward and continued, "There are some things I have to say to you."
"What makes you think I feel like listening?" Lily snapped, all the rage that she'd suppressed all year forcing its way out of her. She'd prayed and wished that the day would come when Petunia would answer her pleas for any kind of contact and the last thing she wanted to do was to ruin this, but it appeared her emotions had a will of their own.
"You didn't have to come here," Petunia spat back coldly.
"You don't know why I came here with you."
"It doesn't matter...you're here. Anyway, I think you owe me this much."
"What?" Lily replied in angry disbelief, "I owe you? How could you possibly believe that I owe you anything?"
There was an almost imperceptible tremor in Petunia's voice as she answered, "After everything you've put me through this year...Mum and Dad, the house..."
"What exactly do you think I've been doing? Having a jolly time alone at my bloody school while you plan our parents' funeral without so much as consulting me?"
"I wanted it to be over and done with as soon as possible."
"Well, that's lovely, thanks. And anyway, how exactly have I been responsible for any of this?"
Petunia leaned back in her chair and looked Lily in the eye. "This whole thing was related to that ridiculous place. If you weren't mixed up with these freaks, none of this would have happened."
"Oh, yes it would have," Lily shot back, using her anger to cover the pressure of the weight of guilt and sorrow now bearing down on her, "It was a random attack."
"You expect me to believe that?"
"Look, you don't know anything about the world I live in, so don't pretend that you're speaking with any kind of authority on the subject."
"I don't want to know anything about that world...that world nearly ruined my life. If it hadn't been for Vernon...God, I would have had no one."
Lily met her sister's eyes, unable to mask the pain radiating from her own. "You would still have had me."
Petunia shook her head, and Lily pressed on, "I tried so hard to...to connect with you. I needed...I needed to hear from you..."
To Lily's horror, she was starting to get choked up...and to her shock, she could see Petunia's eyes starting to well up along with her own. In a remarkably calm voice, Petunia explained, "I was angry...I didn't want to have anything to do with you again if it meant being brought into contact with... you have no idea what it was like, you weren't there. I...I was out. I was with Vernon's sister, talking about the wedding, and I hate her...I was so anxious to get home and complain to Mum. I ended up staying late and she couldn't drive me home – she was drunk - so I had to walk. As I got close, I knew something had happened. I could see smoke...and there were people shouting. I turned the corner and saw that half the block was gone."
Lily cringed and slammed her eyes shut...she wasn't sure she wanted to hear this, but she knew she must listen. Petunia was right about this, at least...she hadn't been forced to see it. She had to allow her to continue.
"I ran the rest of the way, praying...I..."
She paused, attempting to regain control of herself. Finally, she went on, "It was gone. The house...only one wall was left. The back of the kitchen...some of the furniture was there, charred and scattered around. That was how I salvaged the things I sent you."
Lily managed, "Mum and Dad?"
Petunia shook her head. "I never saw them. I didn't want to. Some men ran up to me and started telling me that everything was under control...I asked what happened, was it a fire? They just kept repeating themselves, and then one of them pulled one of those bloody awful things out."
"What?"
Petunia seemed to have difficulty saying it as she replied, "A...wand."
"To modify your memory," Lily said, and Petunia shrugged.
"I don't know...I suppose. They stopped when I started screaming...I was going on about how it's your fault, you and that crazy old man who runs your school. They put their wands down, and another man came over...he told me they were dead. I...don't remember what happened after that. I must have fainted...next thing I knew, I woke up with Vernon there...and I had to tell him. I had to. I felt...betrayed, and totally alone."
Lily gazed across the table at her sister, and suddenly she couldn't sustain the anger anymore...she felt relief. She felt like she was holding onto something precious, having her sister – her flesh and blood – sitting across from her. She'd wished for it all year, and now it was real. Sighing, she said softly, "I'm sorry. I...I knew you blamed me, and I understand. I blamed myself as well."
Petunia looked up. "You did?"
Nodding, Lily said, "I felt alone, too.
Petunia stared at her for a long moment, then she said, "I'm sorry I went ahead with the arrangements without you."
It wasn't much and it was spoken in a fairly monotone voice, but to Lily it was an olive branch. Not really knowing how to proceed, she asked, "Why did you come here?"
Petunia's eyes changed...became determined. "I got your letter and I wanted to talk to you in person...about changing your mind."
"Petunia..." Lily began wearily, but Petunia would not be silenced.
"How can you still live among them? In that world...with those people."
Lily felt herself losing her grip on the olive branch. "You mean magical people? I am one of them, Petunia."
"No," Petunia interrupted, surprisingly vitriolic, "You're not, really. You never were...you weren't born there. Your family isn't...that's why I wrote you that letter. That's why I made you the offer."
"But..."
"You don't belong there. You have responsibilities," Petunia leaned forward again in her chair, the color in her face making her look more like the Petunia Lily had known as a girl. "You shouldn't be there. You still have the chance to be normal. I...look, I don't know if I can ever forgive the fact that it was those...those people that killed Mum and Dad. I don't understand the reasons, but...I just don't think they'd want it to be like this."
"Who?"
"Mum and Dad. What do you think they'd say if they knew we haven't spoken in months? If they thought you were just going to ignore everything that's happened and continue on in that place?"
"I'm not ignoring anything! There are things that I'm doing...things that you wouldn't know about. There are a lot of people who want to fight, Petunia. There are good and bad forms of magic..."
"Fight? For what? We were fine before we ever knew it existed...that magic rubbish!"
"Listen, even if I had never gone to Hogwarts and I wasn't magical and everything you're saying is true...the town would still have been attacked! I keep telling you, it has nothing to do with me!"
"No," Petunia countered coldly, "It has nothing to do with me...and yet I'm forced to suffer the consequences. People like me...like Mum and Dad...have their houses destroyed, and their families don't even get to know the truth about what happened to them. No one is allowed to be let in on this big secret...but it's alright if we all get burned alive..."
"Stop it, Petunia."
"It's the truth. Do you honestly think you can make any kind of difference? That you can contribute anything that's going to turn the tide of this...whatever it is?"
"Maybe not now...I don't know. One day maybe I could..."
"Come off it."
"What do you want?" Lily asked desperately, wanting to get up and run out.
"Lily...no matter what we feel about each other, the fact remains that we're sisters. I think about Mum and Dad every minute of every day...and it always leads me around to the same thing, that they'd be horrified if we never spoke to each other again. I think we owe it to them. And perhaps...I don't know, perhaps we owe it to ourselves. We're the only ones who share the experience...of Mum and Dad, and of this thing that happened."
"I've only ever wanted that exact thing, Petunia," Lily replied wearily, "Why are you acting like you're talking me into something? You're the one who's been throwing the wrench in the works."
"My attitudes haven't changed about everything," she said bluntly, "I don't want any more contact with that world. It's like I said in the letter...I want it out of my life for good. You have to choose."
"I can't..."
"Not that it's really much of a choice. You are choosing either to have a future or not."
Lily's head snapped up at this, and she began to feel dread in the pit of her stomach. "What?"
"If you want to pick up where we left off," Petunia said, her voice carrying a note of gentleness to it that Lily hadn't heard in a long time, "Then it has to be a complete effort. I...I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss...having a sister."
Lily met her eyes, and for a split second, the veils of resentment and misunderstanding that had been hung one by one over the course of seven years were lifted and all that remained were two sisters, a shared childhood...and a shared pain.
Petunia continued, "Vernon said it would be alright if you stayed with us for awhile...we should have a house by the time you finish at that place."
"Petunia..."
"Where are you going to go after you finish with this...this stupid program?" Petunia spat, her voice even carrying a hint of desperation, "You don't have Mum and Dad anymore, and if you turn your back now then you won't have me either. Who will you have? Who can you depend on if not your family?"
Lily opened her mouth, and then closed it again. "I have friends, alright? Great friends..."
Petunia snorted, "Like that Arabella? Where is she now? I didn't see her with you back at that pub."
"Don't talk about her, Petunia."
"No one will have you at the top of their list of priorities, Lily."
"I can't leave...my life. I have responsibilities..."
"You have a responsibility to honor Mum and Dad in death."
"But...but my training...I wanted to do this, for myself..."
"Oh, come off it, Lily!" Petunia implored, leaning forward, "I don't even understand what this training is supposed to be about, but if it's as dangerous as you make it sound...well, do you really think Mum and Dad would want you involved?"
"They...they'd support me..." Lily replied, but her resolve was faltering. Petunia sensed this, and pressed on,
"Besides, what about your responsibility to me? All we have left is each other, in a lot of ways. If you give that up, then...well, what have you got left? Tell me that!"
"I don't know," Lily whispered, defeated, "I don't know...oh, Petunia, please...don't make me do this."
"I'm not making you do anything," Petunia said, leaning back in her chair and speaking so quietly that Lily would almost swear that she was completely sincere, "You have a choice, technically. If that freak school of yours is more important to you than this...then by all means, go and live in it. But that'll be the last time you hear from me, do you understand?"
Lily felt as though she'd walked into a nightmare, and she almost wished that Petunia had never come. At least then she wouldn't be faced with this decision...this horrible, impossible decision. She rubbed her forehead with her palms and then looked up at her sister. Petunia stared at her for a moment, and then Lily saw her lip start to tremble slightly.
"Lily," she whispered, her eyes shining with emotion in a way Lily had never thought to see them again, "Please. Don't make me cut you out of our lives."
Sitting there, staring at her sister, Lily knew she had to give an answer...and so she gave the one that was safest for the moment. She could think about it later, when she was by herself.
"Alright...fine. I'll come and live with you."
Petunia's face relaxed into an expression of absolute relief...and then she composed herself. Sitting up straight and snatching the newspaper up from the table, she replied, "Good...I was hoping you'd make the right decision. We can still catch the 7:45 train back to Surrey."
"What?"
"We have to hurry, though."
"Petunia!" Lily protested, horrified, "I can't come with you right this minute! I have to finish school!"
"You only just said you were willing to give up all that rubbish!"
"Yes, but...I have to finish at Hogwarts. Otherwise I'll have no qualifications and I'm not throwing away the past seven years of my life...there's only a few weeks left, and I'm finishing. You have to compromise, Petunia...you have to allow me that at least."
Petunia considered her for a moment before conceding irately, "Fine...I'll be here to get you when the term is over. But that's it, do you understand? No more of this nonsense after that."
"Fine," Lily agreed, wanting nothing more than to get away from her so that she could think.
"Right...well...I still need to catch that train, so..."
"Alright," Lily said, standing up along with her sister, "I'll see you in about a month."
With a final nod and no further formalities, Petunia left the café...and Lily stood numbly for only a few moments before she followed suit. As she walked down the street, hugging her middle, she could hear bustle everywhere that somehow seemed so far away. She could hear the vendors selling their produce, and the chattering and pacing of the people going to and fro. She wished she could be a part of it, that she had nothing more to think about than the excitement of her future. She felt isolated, and she couldn't deny the fact that she was doubting herself...she felt she'd done the right thing in agreeing to Petunia's terms, but a huge part of her was screaming that it was all wrong.
Finally she found herself at the door to The Leaky Cauldron. She stopped for a moment to let a couple of people by her as they went out into the spring evening, laughing, their arms around each other. This made her somehow uncomfortable, and she slid past them into the dimly lit pub. The first thing she saw when she walked through the door was James...he was sitting there, waiting for her. As soon as she met his eyes he stood up and walked over to her, his brows furrowed.
"What happened?"
She shook her head and glanced at the people sitting at the nearest table, who weren't paying any attention to them. Still, she had an overwhelming desire to get away from everyone else...to just be alone with him, to tell him everything.
"Lily?" he said, ducking his head slightly so he could try and look her in the face.
"Can we go somewhere?"
He leaned closer and asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Let's...let's just go upstairs. Where it's quiet."
"Your room?"
"Yes."
He nodded, then took her hand in his and led her out of the noisy, crowded pub and up the stairs. She didn't see anyone else from the program...she assumed they were all upstairs writing their last letters to their families. Sighing, she brought her free hand to her eyes to brush away the tears that had suddenly welled up. James led them to her room and closed the door quietly behind him after they were inside. Turning, he looked at her just as she felt the lump in her throat swell to ten times its previous size. Something about the move from a chaotic setting to a private one seemed to be making her turmoil worse. Squeezing her eyes shut and willing the tears to stay inside, she felt his hands grasp her face and tilt her head up.
"What happened?" he asked again, this time in a pained voice as he brushed at the wetness on her face with his thumbs. She pulled her face out of his grasp in frustration and pinned him with her eyes.
"Where are we going to be in two years, James?"
"What?" he frowned, obviously taken aback.
Sighing, she explained, "You know as well as I do that the future is more uncertain now than it's ever been, for everyone...but at least other people have some constants in their lives. What if I enter into training now and lose touch with everyone by the time it's finished? I won't even have a family to go home to after it's all over. I'll be completely alone."
He sighed and shook his head, "No, you won't."
"How do you know?" she asked, pinning him with her eyes, wishing he could wash her worry away but knowing it was impossible.
"I just know. It's not going to happen."
Shaking her head, she said, "You can't make promises like that, James. You heard what Dumbledore said...there's such a shortage of qualified aurors that the likelihood of any of us being assigned together is nonexistent."
"So what?" he asked, but she could hear the uncertainty creeping into his voice, and it did nothing but confirm her fears.
"My point is, no one knows where they'll be in two years. We won't be allowed to write to each other in between...it's forbidden, because of the security risk."
"Lily," he said quietly, the slightest hint of frustration now lacing his voice, "Why can't you show even the smallest amount of trust in the people who care about you? Even if I didn't get to know Arabella Figg as well as I could have, anyone could see that you two were as close as sisters. Don't you know that she would track you down when it was over, that she would find you...or that I would, after how far we've come together this year?"
"James," she protested softly, touched but nevertheless unable to bargain her entire life on a mere probability, "I couldn't expect either of you to do that...to commit to something like that. Everyone has their own lives to lead, and we'll all have taken completely different paths by then. At least with Petunia, there's a tie..."
"Sorry?"
"A blood tie, and she made it clear to me today that she wants to keep it intact."
He stood and stared at her for what seemed like a long time. She could see that his face had changed, as though his mind was working hard on something...there was a strange look in his eyes. At last, he suggested, "Look, there are other ways of guaranteeing stability, if that's what it would take to make you feel better about everything."
"Like what? What do you mean?"
He considered her for a moment before replying, "Do you remember Frank and Alice Longbottom?"
"Of course I remember them...I knew Frank very well when he was Head Boy."
"Well, there you go. They got married so they wouldn't have to be separated," he noted, and Lily stared at him for a moment before he continued matter-of-factly, "People do it all the time."
She blinked, sure that she must be hearing wrong. "What?"
"It's a solution...a means to an end," he went on a bit more eagerly as the idea really started to formulate in his mind, his eyes alight with urgency as he presented it to her, "Think about it...it would ensure that we could be assigned together and you wouldn't have to worry about being alone, or losing contact with everyone. It's just a bit of insurance, that's all."
"That's all? You can't be serious!" she burst out, standing up. He held out his hands and took a step forward, his eyes alight with confidence at his own genius and his growing enthusiasm for his plan, and retorted,
"Look, what have we got to lose? Really, it works out better for everyone."
Lily was so flabbergasted that she didn't quite know what to say...half of her brain screamed that he had to be taking the mickey out of her, but then she realized that he couldn't be. The conversation they'd been having would make a joke like this completely inappropriate and unfathomably mean...and she knew he wouldn't do that to her. Still, that left one other possibility...that he was serious about this, and that was even harder to accept.
"James...you've completely lost your mind! I can't believe you're considering this as a plausible solution..."
"It is a plausible solution. Just think about it."
"Think about it?" she repeated, "I don't even think you've done that!"
"I suggested it, didn't I?" he smiled wryly at her, trying to lighten the conversation, but she refused to be patronized and replied,
"This isn't a joke, James. You're being rash, and you don't seem to have any notion of what your proposition would mean," she said firmly, on the verge of being angry at him but not quite there yet, "Look, I...I appreciate the gesture, James, but...even if we did this, and got assigned together, we'd have to put up a front. It wouldn't just be a piece of paper we'd sign and then it'd be over with...it's not that simple. We'd have to actually make it look real...we'd have to live together and all."
"Yeah, and that's not much different from how it is now, actually. We've practically been living together for the past seven years."
"It's different and you know it! More different than I think you realize."
"It wouldn't have to be," he assured her, his voice back to being measured as he toned down his excitement and attempted to convince her, "We know each other well enough now, don't we? After everything? I should think we trust each other enough to know that there wouldn't be any...expectations, or anything."
He averted his eyes momentarily as he finished his sentence, and she blushed heavily at the implications of that. Nevertheless, she trudged on defiantly, "And what about afterwards?"
"Afterwards?"
"After the two years of training are up, then what?"
"Lily, this isn't something I'm just spouting to make you feel better. The truth is, I...that night I found you crying in the common room, all I could feel was the overwhelming need to just be there for you. I'd never felt like that before...I wanted you to cry on my shoulder. I wanted to take care of you...you'd never asked for help, especially not from me, but I wanted to be the one to give you what you needed. That was the first time I admitted to myself that I had feelings for you that went beyond mere respect...the first time I really thought I'd like to be your friend."
It was probably the most unabashed he'd ever been with her. She tried to process it all, tried to keep up with what he was telling her, but it was all becoming jumbled in her racing mind and even as she was touched, she only grew more confused. He went on determinedly,
"Have you ever known me to run away from something when it gets difficult? I don't do that. If it's something I feel strongly about, I stick to it. I fight for it...and I don't know what else to say to you except that I've never felt such a motivation to succeed as I do with you. I don't really know why...maybe it's because you're one of the most honest and courageous people I've ever known, and I care a lot about you. I consider myself lucky to have you, and I'm not going to just walk away. I don't know where you got the idea that I would, but...it's not going to happen. Training or no."
Lily turned to face him and met his eyes as she began to comprehend his meaning...he was trying to tell her that he wouldn't be suggesting that they do this if he hated the general idea of being bound to her in whatever capacity this would mean. She had gotten to know James very well over the course of the past year, and she knew what he was trying to say without his having to spell it out directly...that he wouldn't mind being with her, even after the training was over and done with...that he was willing to settle with her.
This touched her more than anything else he could have said and, standing there and looking at him, she couldn't bear to flat-out refuse to go along with it. She had to have some time to figure out a way to tell him...some way to explain to him that this wasn't something that she could simply do, and that he was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Perhaps he was right...perhaps some people could. Just not her. Shaking now with nerves and emotion, she took a breath and said, "That's probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me...ever."
He didn't respond...he merely stood there watching her closely, his eyes soft but intense. She went on, "I need a minute alone...to think. I just have to..."
"It's okay," he nodded, "I understand...you've been hit with a lot today. I was planning on going downstairs to eat something before Dumbledore comes back, anyway. Do you want me to bring something back up for you?"
She shook her head, and he hesitated a moment before telling her, "Well...that's where I'll be when you need me, alright?"
Lily nodded back, and he gave her a small smile before turning and walking out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. She stood there staring at it for a moment, then went over to sit on the bed. Her hands clasped tightly in her lap, she stared around the room not knowing exactly what she was looking for...and then her face crumpled and she lowered it into her hands, sobbing.
An hour later, after she'd cried and agonized her way into the darkest corner of her mind, she walked slowly down the stairs that led to the pub area. The light was dim and she could hear a lot of chatter and laughter...she almost turned right back around and went upstairs. She still didn't know what she was going to say to him. She'd spent the hour wishing with a desperation that she'd never felt before that she could talk to Arabella, cursing both Petunia and James for making her so miserable...and then finally begging and pleading with her parents for some kind of guidance from above. It didn't come...and the worst of it was that there was a moment in which she'd actually seriously considered accepting James' offer. It had frightened her so much she'd left the room and come down to find him...she didn't want to be alone anymore. It was as though her own mind was working against her, and something about the room's silence, which had been so appealing to her a few hours ago, suddenly became oppressive and frightening.
When she reached the bottom of the stairs she lingered there, her eyes scanning the crowd for James. She spotted a couple of the other students in their group first, and James was sitting with them. She didn't know why, but something about the way they looked stopped her from proceeding towards them. They were all talking boisterously, full of excitement at the prospect of Dumbledore's impending return with their assignments and their imminent departure on what was probably going to be the greatest, most challenging adventure of their lives. An ugly surge of jealously rose in her chest as she watched them...Tim walking back to the table with another few drinks, Sophie Spaulding talking earnestly with Sirius Black, and James laughing with a Ravenclaw named Eileen. It struck her that this was barely more than a career decision for them. It was more an honor to be chosen than anything else...and for her, it was a point of no return.
Just as she was about to go back upstairs, not wanting to bring gloom to their charged anticipation, James looked over and caught sight of her standing there. The smile faded from his face, and he raised his eyebrows at her. She didn't beckon him...she just turned and went back up to her room. She knew he'd follow...and part of her wished he wouldn't. Sure enough, she only stood alone in the room for three seconds before he was walking through the door and shutting it behind him
"Sorry," he said quietly, "I didn't see you there."
"It's alright...I was only standing there for a couple of minutes."
"Why didn't you come over and get me?"
She shrugged, then admitted, "Didn't want to talk to anyone, really."
He nodded slowly at this, and then didn't speak again. He seemed to be waiting for her to talk, and she knew that it was because he'd already said his piece. It was her turn to be honest with him...and she reckoned she might as well get to the heart of the matter right away.
"If I agreed to this and permanently cut my ties with Petunia, I'd have nowhere to go and no one to depend on but myself once my training was completed. You claim you want to provide me with a constant...but I can't let you take that upon yourself. I know what's bound to happen...you'll get tired of feeling obligated to me, and you'd be justified. Then I'd have nobody, and I can't afford to risk that."
"Lily," he cut in wearily, "It's all in your head. You're making yourself out to be some kind of burden, and that's the last thing I think of you. I told you, I can handle it. I wouldn't have asked you to do this at all if I didn't..."
Shaking her head, she held up a hand and said, "James, you don't have to handle anything. When I saw you down there just now with the group, and talking..."
"So what?"
"So, I realized that you'd be throwing away more than either one of us could possibly know! You'd be committing yourself to something that you're under no obligation to commit yourself to...and the training program is already binding enough. You'll regret it if we go through with this...we both would, and then we'd start to resent each other. Maybe even go back to hating each other...and I'd feel like such a fool. Especially if I thought it could have been prevented."
She could sense the change in his mood before he even opened his mouth, although she didn't quite understand where it was coming from. He blew out a breath of humorless laughter, and looked at the floor for a moment, his jaw set. When he did finally speak, her suspicions were confirmed...he was angry.
"So," he said, his voice sharp, "What would've happened if you'd come down and I was sitting by myself looking miserable? Would you still have changed your mind?"
He was mocking her...and she could feel herself starting to bristle as the conversation took a turn for the worse. "No...you don't understand..."
"You're right, I don't. I don't understand."
She could feel herself getting flustered...it had been a long time since he'd used this tone with her, and she hadn't even been very adept at handling it back then. She slowly stood up and explained, "I didn't change my mind, James. You never had me convinced in the first place. I've been sitting up here trying to think of a way to turn you down that wouldn't destroy our friendship...which I value very much."
"Yeah, right. Frankly, it doesn't seem like you value anything I give you at all. I've tried so bloody hard all year to give you want you needed. Nothing is ever good enough for you, is it?"
"Excuse me?" she said, her own eyes narrowing, "Are you implying that you've been making some kind of sacrifice for me, and I that should be grateful? Because if you are, then I'd have to remind you that I never asked you for anything."
He looked back at her, his eyes blazing. "You 'act' like a lot of things...you act like you trust me, but you really don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be worried about me wanting to get the bloody hell away from you in two years."
"It has nothing to do with trust, and I'm not putting it all on you...I think we'd want to get away from each other. We're two completely different people...I mean, it's a wonder we get along at all! Seeing you standing there in that group just now, laughing and happy, only drove home the truth of the matter - it wouldn't work. We'd kill each other."
His brows snapped together. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
"No, I don't think so. And when you realize I'm right and decide that you don't want to be stuck with someone whose life is so complicated and messed up, then..."
"Whether or not I want to do this is my decision to make!"
"No, it's not," she shot back, "You're not being reasonable. We'd just end up going back to the hatred, the insults, the resentment...we still don't agree on much, even now."
"But...it doesn't matter. We agree on the important things."
She shook her head. "That's why we make great friends...but it doesn't mean we'd be able to live together. I'm too serious for you, and I'd only bring you down. I...I'm Muggleborn..."
His brows snapped together. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, that's another thing we don't have in common."
"Listen," he interrupted angrily, taking a step towards her and looking furious, "If you're accusing me of believing that rubbish, then maybe you don't know me at all."
"Well, good, because it all fits now," she said, rounding on him, "We're on an equal plane...I don't know you, and you bloody well don't know me. Not if you seem to think it's so easy to forget about an entire section of my life...a life which, by the way, didn't begin when I came to Hogwarts. I had a family...and even though they were only Muggles, I loved them and they shaped who I was more than anything or anybody in the magical world ever has! I can't turn my back on my own history, my own upbringing..."
"I'm not asking you to turn your back on anything. I'm not even asking you to choose...that would be your bloody sister."
She glared at him, her indignation spiking. "Don't say another word about her. You don't know her...you don't have the right. Even if she doesn't mean anything to you or Arabella or anyone else in the damn world...she means something to me. She's all I have, and that's more important than any reason you could give me not to accept her terms."
"That's bollocks," he snapped, "She is not all you have, and I wish you'd stop saying that. You have your cause, your ambition, the desire you've had since the beginning of the year to get involved and do something...how dare she come to you now and make demands, after everything? After pretending as though you didn't exist when you were going through the worst experience of your life?"
Lily stood, knowing he was making valid points but feeling inexplicably defensive and hurt on behalf of her sister, "It was also the worst experience of her life. I can't forget that...and I know her reaction was bad, at first, but she's trying. She's trying to make it right..."
"By telling you to give up your entire life for her benefit?" he cut in, taking a step towards her, "That's not trying. That's self-interest, that's all."
She didn't answer...she merely held onto eye-contact, daring him to speak again. He looked for a moment as though he might slap her and then seemed to lose all semblance of holding onto his temper. A smile broke out on his face, born of utter frustration and not of mirth, and he shook his head at her as he declared disgustedly, "You're a coward, Lily. You can stand there and feel sorry for yourself all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you let things happen to you. You don't like the way things are going for you, but you don't even have the courage to make a change. You hide behind the idea that you don't have a choice."
This last barb hurt more than any of the others. She knew he was baiting her, striking out at her with all he had because he didn't know what else to do. Still, she couldn't help losing her own temper at being called a name which she considered to be one of the most abhorrent in spoken language, and she narrowed her eyes at him.
"Fine...and your decisions are consistently dominated by your insatiable hero complex! It's sick! Go find someone else to use so that you can feel good about yourself, and don't blame me because I won't play along with the idea that everything you do and say is brilliant! You don't know what's best for me, and you aren't my knight in shining-bloody-armor, so come off it!"
He leveled a look at her that was nothing short of pure hatred, so intense that it frightened her. She didn't have time to recover before he lurched forward and violently grabbed her arm. She winced from the pain, but didn't speak...and he didn't seem to care. His face was mere inches from her own and when he spoke he hissed his words. She hadn't seen him like this in months...in fact, she wasn't sure she'd ever seen him like this at all.
"I know everyone thinks you're bright, Lily, but you're not...you're completely dense, and it's pathetic. The only reason I ever did anything for you is because I'm so in love with you I've made myself into a hopeless arse."
She looked up quickly, and then wished she hadn't as his eyes captured hers and refused to relinquish her gaze. His eyes...they were terrible. He went on, "When I held you that night, in front of the common room fire - you could barely breathe, you were so upset - I felt like my heart was going to break. I'll never forget it, as long as I live...how I felt that night. I didn't know what to say, so I kept my mouth shut...if I'd said anything, it would have been to beg you to stop crying because it was killing me."
His hand was like a vice on her arm, and he gave her a hard shake to punctuate his words. She didn't still didn't speak...she couldn't. All she could do was frown up at him, horrified, and wish that he would let her go...that she could rewind time and take back what she'd said.
"I've spent the past seven months watching you, trying so hard to get close to you, fighting my way past your prejudice against me...I was desperate to be in your life. I would have done anything...anything to make you trust me. You see none of it...and now you can stand there and accuse me of being sick."
She winced and tried to pull away from him, but he gave her a jerk and brought her closer to him as he spat, "I'd tell Dumbledore to go to hell, I'd get an office job in Muggle London if I thought you'd take me seriously. Everything I've done has been for you. You should bloody well remember that the next time you ask your sister for a favor."
She opened her mouth to speak, to make some kind of response, but she had absolutely no idea what to say...and so she remained silent. He finally finished with evident disgust in his voice, both for her and for himself, "The hardest part of it was hiding my feelings from you. I didn't want you to know...I was afraid that you'd run because that wasn't what you needed. That was all I cared about...what you needed. It makes me sick to think about what I've turned into...but I always told myself it was worth it. Only you don't appreciate any of it. You're blind, and dense, and I hope you have a pleasant life living in a sodding house in Muggle suburbia with your self-absorbed sister and her bloody idiotic husband that you haven't even been allowed to meet yet."
With that, he shoved her away from him and walked out of the room, slamming the door in its frame as he left. She stared at the door for a moment, trying to get her breathing under control. She looked down at her hands...they were shaking terribly. Of all the things that she'd prepared herself for as she was walking back from the café where she'd said goodbye to Petunia, of all the scenarios she'd played out in her head of all the things that could be said between herself and James when she told him of her intentions, she never imagined this. This was...worse than she could have ever predicted.
Closing her eyes, Lily threw her head back and took a deep breath. Her eyes stung, but it was as though she didn't have any tears left within her...she was numb inside. Her head pounding, she leaned against one of the cool wooden bedposts and listened to the sounds of the crowd downstairs drifting up through the floorboards.
In one day, her beloved sister had come back into her life...and her best friend had walked out of it. Something inside her began to feel sour as she found herself unsure of whether or not one was a worthy price to pay for the other. Now more than ever, however...she didn't really have much of a choice. Standing and holding back the urge to scream as the walls of the small room seemed to close in on her, she began to pack her things back up.
She had to prepare for the ride back to Hogwarts in the morning.
To Be Concluded in Chapter Twelve
More Fic by Emmyjean at