Title: sans amour
Rating: G
Word Count: 351
Warning(s): Uh, make sure you've seend episode 2 of LOVELESS first. And if you're not fond of shounen-ai in the first place… umm… this is a pretty neutral angsty fic.
Summary: Ritsuka's train of thoughts on Soubi. Drabble ensues.
sans amour.
Everything about you that stands out in my mind, in this empty head of memories, I hate. Your lying, your strong intent to follow orders, whether they be Seimei's or mine... you say you live for me, that I am your law.
'The pain I suffer for you will bind us together.'
All too willing to give me everything you can, at the cost of yourself.
A regular textbook masochist, it seems.
But did you know...? Masochism in itself is so very selfish. Pain. More. Mine. Every day, you pull me more into yourself, painfully extracting orders from me so that you can obey them to the best of your abilities. You act on your own, when it is most crucial for us to be together. You make me worry, you make my heart race.
You love me...
You drain me.
You are always on my thoughts and the memories with you are the ones that make me feel...
You make me feel...
...like I won't disappear. The pain I feel when I see you or when I don't see you makes the image of self in my head sharp with clarity. You...
And suddenly I wonder...
if you force those orders from me because
you want to do things for my sake...
because it pleases you to do so.
But that would mean--
No. NO. I won't fall for that, again. I can't take that hollowness again.
'I love you, Ritsuka.' I can hear it reverberating in my head, the words pulsing in my skull and I hate it. The sincerity of your quiet voice... that has no idea of what it is being sincere about.
"Liar," I whisper into the palms of my hands, eyes shut tightly against the tears that squeeze out.
You can't order someone to love you... you can't order your puppet to love someone else.
You can't love me because you make yourself. Likewise...
I let my thoughts trail off brokenly, refusing to let them finish. Masochism. I let the pain you enjoy inflicting upon yourself hurt me more, until I'm choking on my emptiness.
owari.
AN: Cheerful. :P Disjointed and random and painful… tried to capture Ritsuka's confusion over Soubi's role in his life, as well as Ritsuka's role in Soubi's life. Hope I didn't go too OOC.