EPISODE 4
((Since we almost killed our host in
the last episode, we're going to be having a filler host named Ryan
who is actually a good friend of Megan's and mine.))
The scene opens on everyone sitting in the living room, doing various things, camera zoomed out to include everyone in the shot. Megan is staring at a painting on the wall, shaking her head. Miroku is staring at Megan, nodding his head. Leesil is throwing his stilettos up in the air as one catches him on the finger. He cries briefly. Koga and Sesshomaru are singing "You've Got a Friend in Me"…STILL, this time adding in a Broadway/Rockette sort of dance. Nicole watches them from the couch, laughing and clapping her hands. The doorbell rings and Leesil hurries to answer it. He lets a messenger in, then goes back to playing with his stilettos.
The camera zooms in on the messenger.
Messenger: I have a message for Mrs. Nicole…they didn't list a last name. Are any of you named Nicole?
Megan: She is!
The camera zooms out a little as Megan points to Nicole, who waves her hand around in the air. The messenger hands Nicole a piece of paper.
Messenger: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news…
The messenger walks out the door and the camera zooms out to include everyone in the shot again. Nicole starts reading the paper and gasps.
Megan: What does it say?
Miroku and Leesil: What does it say!
Koga and Sesshomaru still sing "You've Got a Friend in Me", oblivious to the fact that no one is paying attention to them anymore. Megan tries to peek over Nicole's shoulder.
Nicole: It says...it says...
The camera zooms in on Nicole as she starts sobbing brokenly.
Nicole: Tsume's dead!
The camera zooms back out as Megan gasps.
Leesil: Hey, isn't he that weird guy who was here a few weeks ago and started a big fight about who you belonged to?
Nicole glares at Leesil as Koga and Sesshomaru silently go "yes" and do high fives. Nicole catches them out of the corner of her eye and glares, then runs upstairs to cry, the hidden camera clicking on to follow her. Larry's camera zooms in slightly as Megan throws a pillow at Leesil for being mean, then glares at Sesshomaru and Koga.
Megan: If you guys don't shut up...
She lets her threat hang in the air and goes upstairs to see what's wrong with Nicole.
Loud pounding is heard and then a scream of outrage from upstairs. Megan comes back downstairs.
Miroku: What's wrong?
Megan: Stupid door is locked...
The hidden camera shows Nicole loudly sobbing into a pillow.
Larry's camera zooms in on Koga and Sesshomaru.
Koga: Yay! He's gone! Now all I have to do is kill Sesshomaru!
Sesshomaru: Hey! I heard that!
Sesshomaru sniffles.
Koga: Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it, honest!
Sesshomaru: Sure you didn't.
The camera zooms back out to include Megan in the shot.
Megan: Would you two just SHUT UP already! One minute you're friends, and the next you aren't…Nicole's crying, and you aren't doing anything about it…
Megan gets a thoughtful look on her face.
Leesil: What are you thinking about?
Megan grins.
Megan: Give me those.
She steals a bunch of Leesil's weapons, then runs upstairs, hidden camera following her, and uses them to pick the lock on Nicole's door and enter.
Megan: Hey Nicole, are you okay?
She shuts door behind her. Nicole is still crying into her pillow, muffled speaking that sounds like "hef pock". Megan blinks.
Megan: Could you please repeat that in English?
Nicole: HEF POCK!
Megan sits down on floor, trying to figure out what the letters stand for.
Megan: Hen Enters Fort...Prairie Ocean Chickens Kill...? No, that cant be right..
Nicole is still talking into her pillow.
Nicole: Hef pock.
Megan tries to figure it out for a few more minutes, then apparently decides that she needs help.
Megan: Do you want me to get someone in here to translate?
Nicole: Mo, lon't keen ranklader.
Megan: First of all, my name is not Mo. And secondly, fine then don't have a translator. I'll just …stay here until you talk in English.
Megan hugs Nicole.
Nicole: RI LAM RALLING INK ANKLICK!
Megan growls at Nicole and stalks out of the room, then goes to hug Miroku and pout, Larry's camera following her once more.
The hidden camera shows Nicole crying even louder into her pillow.
Larry's camera shows Koga and Sesshomaru pouting for some reason. Megan glares at Koga.
Megan: Go…talk…to…Nicole…NOW!
Koga gets up stiff-legged.
Koga: Fine.
Sesshomaru pouts on the couch some more.
The hidden camera follows Koga as he goes up to the bedroom and knocks.
Nicole: Hef pock!
Koga: What the heck…?
He opens the door. Nicole is seen lying face down on the bed, crying her eyes out. Koga comes and sits next to her, rubbing her back.
Koga: What's wrong, baby?
Nicole sniffles.
Nicole: Fumay fied.
Larry's camera clicks on again as Miroku notices how annoyed Megan is, and hears the mumbling coming from Nicole's room, so he goes in there, hidden camera following him.
Miroku: Sorry, Nicole, but I have to do this…
He pulls her head from the pillow.
Miroku: Now speak in English!
He walks back downstairs, Larry's camera following him this time.
Megan: Where'd you go, Miroku?
She hugs him.
Miroku: To fix Nicole's problem.
Megan raises her eyebrow.
Megan: What did you do?
Miroku: Its not what you think!
Megan glares at him.
The hidden camera clicks on as Nicole pouts.
Nicole: I was speaking in English before.
Koga: You were?
Nicole: Yes.
She sniffles and wipes her nose with fist.
Koga: What did you say?
Nicole: First, I said "Get lost", then I said "No, don't need translator", then said "I am talking in English!", then "Get lost" again, then sniffle sniffle "Tsume died!"
She starts sobbing again.
Larry's camera clicks on as Megan hears English from Nicole's room and gets excited.
Megan: Nicole, come down here!
Leesil is seen playing with weapons again. Miroku pouts.
Miroku: Megan, don't make more people come down here…I want to talk to you!
Megan: Too bad.
She kisses him.
The hidden camera clicks on as Nicole flings herself onto the bed again.
Nicole: No, I don't want to!
Koga: Oh, it'll be okay, baby.
He gently lifts her up and settles her in his lap so she can cry on his shoulder, stroking her back and kissing her hair. Nicole keeps crying.
Sesshomaru: I hear kissing noises!
He jumps up and runs to the room.
Larry's camera zooms in on Megan.
Megan: Aww, how sweet…Sesshy's jealous.
gagging sounds are heard from upstairs, as Sesshomaru apparently walks into the room
Miroku: Well…while they are up there…
Megan: Don't even think about it. There are children present.
She points at Leesil, who is still playing with weapons, completely oblivious to everything.
The hidden camera clicks back on as Sesshomaru walks into room and gasps (and gags) at the scene he finds there. Nicole is still crying, and doesn't even know Sesshomaru's there. Koga pokes his tongue out at Sesshomaru.
Koga: It's okay, Nicole. It'll be fine.
Sesshomaru majorly pouts.
Larry's camera clicks back on as Miroku tries to kiss Megan. Megan allows him for a moment before apparently getting an idea…
Miroku: Why aren't you kissing back?
Megan: I'm sorry…
She grins.
Megan: RAPE!
Leesil grabs his weapons and apparently is worried for Megan's life until he sees her hysterical laughter.
The hidden camera clicks back on.
Sesshomaru: It's not fair! She pays more attention to you than she does to me!
Nicole finally realizes that Sesshomaru is there and gets up and goes over to him, wrapping herself in his arms. Koga pouts. Nicole, Sesshomaru, and Koga then hear Megan screaming "rape". Nicole blinks when she hears Megan yell this and runs downstairs. Koga and Sesshomaru look at each other and shrug, then run after her.
Larry's camera clicks back on as Ryan comes out of the kitchen. (insert "guest star" applause here)
Ryan: What's going on?
Megan is laughing hysterically at the expression on Miroku's face. Miroku is looking completely lost, and obviously has no idea why she randomly screamed that. Leesil glares at Miroku.
Leesil: What did you do!
Nicole blinks.
Nicole: Who raped you?
Koga and Sesshomaru: Yeah, who raped you?
Ryan: Yeah, who raped you? I'll knock him around a little.
Ryan makes fists. Nicole suddenly realizes Ryan is standing beside her and looks confused.
Nicole: Ryan, what are you doing here?
Ryan: Oh yeah, I'm filling in for your host, since you guys just about killed him.
Megan: No one raped me…not really. Miroku was trying to kiss me, and I thought that it would be fun to yell that…plus I'd warned him that he shouldn't try it right then.
Miroku pouts. Leesil grabs the nearest sharp object and threatens Miroku.
Leesil: I still think you tried something…and just think, you're a monk. You aren't supposed to do bad stuff.
The camera zooms in slightly.
Nicole: Oh...you mean you distracted me from my sobbing for THAT!
Sesshomaru: Yeah, and you distracted me from holding her while she sobbed for THAT!
Koga: Yeah, and you distracted me from pouting for THAT!
Ryan: And you distracted me from doing nothing for THAT!
Megan goes and hugs each of them.
Megan: Sorry, Nicole…Sorry, Sesshy, I know you were having fun…Sorry, Koga, even though that doesn't sound very cool…Sorry, Ryan, but I thought it would amuse you…
Nicole flops down onto the floor and starts randomly sobbing again. Sesshomaru flops down next to her and pulls her into his lap. Koga flops down on the couch and starts pouting. Ryan starts running around.
Ryan: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, YOU NASTY BRITS! THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!
Ryan runs in circles and hits a wall, and backs up and runs into it again and again and again, laughing idiotically the whole time. Megan stands back and watches, then goes up to Ryan and makes him stop.
Megan: Ryan, do you need to talk to someone about your problems? I've always wanted to be a psychiatrist…
She forces him to sit on the couch.
Ryan: BUT THE BRITISH ARE COMING! I CANNOT REST!
Nicole laughs hysterically at Ryan and falls over. The camera zooms in on the little group as Koga and Sesshomaru both try to catch her at the same time. Nicole gets caught by Sesshomaru. The camera zooms back out as Miroku raises eyebrow as he watches Nicole get caught.
Miroku: Come on Megan, don't be shy…fall into my arms.
Megan rolls her eyes.
Megan: Not a chance. I'm busy right now.
Miroku starts majorly pouting.
Ryan: I DON'T NEED A SHRINK! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, YOU NASTY NOT-BRIT!
He starts running all through the house, laughing stupidly. Sesshomaru sticks his tongue out at Koga.
Sesshomaru: Nyah, nyah!
Koga pouts some more and sits on the floor, imitating Shippo's infamous puppy face. Megan follows Ryan and ties him up with duct tape so that he can't escape, then forces him to go back downstairs and sit on the couch. Miroku gets wide eyes.
Megan: Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss him.
Miroku: GOOD!
Megan: Leesil, can I borrow that real quick?
Leesil: No!
He holds his weapon closer. Megan sighs.
Megan: Fine. Then you get to sit here and make sure he behaves.
Ryan: NOOO!
He struggles with the duct tape.
Ryan: THEY CAUGHT ME! YOU'LL NEVER GET IT OUT OF ME, COPPER!
Nicole blinks at Ryan and goes over to him, placing a hand on his forehead.
Nicole: Do you have a fever?
Koga's eyes go wide.
Koga: NO! SHE'S TOUCHING HIM!
Sesshomaru gets all demon fang-y. Nicole rolls her eyes.
Nicole: Chill out, you two.
Ryan: I'M FINE! BUT THEY CAUGHT ME!
Koga: Oh fine.
Koga sits in a chair with a huff. Sesshomaru glares one last time, then sits down in a different chair. Megan grins.
Megan: Aww, look. They're jealous…hmm, here's an idea…
She goes over and whispers to Nicole.
Miroku: I wonder what they're whispering about
Leesil: Let's eavesdrop.
Miroku: No, she might get violent and attack us.
Leesil: Good point.
Leesil goes and sits in a corner as Nicole giggles and nods.
Nicole: Hey, Ryan!
Ryan looks over.
Ryan: What? OH NO, THEY'RE BOTH GOING TO INTERROGATE ME! I CAN'T FACE BOTH OF THEM!
Nicole rolls her eyes and grins.
Nicole: No, I'm not going to interrogate you.
She looks over at Sesshomaru and Koga, then hugs Ryan. Koga and Sesshomaru bounce up and growl, closing in on Ryan.
Ryan: Hey, I was set up! No, honest, I didn't make her do it!
Nicole giggles and runs to hide in a closet with a peephole.
The camera zooms in on Megan as she grins and laughs hysterically. The camera zooms back out a little as Leesil raises his eyebrow. Megan falls over. Miroku jumps up.
Miroku: What's wrong? Are you okay?
Nicole is laughing loudly in a broom closet, but has a muffled voice. The camera zooms over to Nicole's closet door.
Nicole: I wonder why we have peepholes in our closets…I just noticed that all our closets are in or next to bathrooms…I BET MIROKU MADE THEM SO HE COULD STARE AT MEGAN AND ME WHEN WE GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
She bursts out of the closet and tackles Miroku, the camera following her. It zooms over to Koga, Sesshomaru, and Ryan. Koga and Sesshomaru crack their knuckles and grin evilly as they advance on Ryan.
Ryan is sweating heavily and he gulps.
Ryan: SOMEBODY, HELP!
The camera zooms over to where Leesil, Megan, Nicole, and Miroku are.
Megan: Why are you tackling my Miroku?
Miroku seems to be enjoying himself temporarily. The camera zooms in on Megan as she attacks Nicole.
Nicole: I tackled him because he put peepholes in the closets which are in or outside of all the bathrooms so he could stare at us when we get out of the shower!
The camera zooms out as Koga and Sesshomaru move to a new target after hearing that…Miroku. Ryan is seen breathing a sigh of relief. Megan grabs a stiletto from Leesil and throws it at Sesshomaru.
Megan: Hah! I hit him!
Nicole gasps and tackles Megan.
Nicole: NO!
Sesshomaru stares at the stiletto in his sleeve and pulls it out.
Sesshomaru: Didn't even nick the skin.
He moves back to the old target…Ryan, who screams. Koga glares at Miroku.
Koga: You're such a lecher!
Megan throws kitchen knife at Koga's head. (How did she get that?)
Miroku: Don't kill me!
Koga ducks and the knife hits the wall, as he still glares at Miroku. Nicole slaps Megan's hand.
Nicole: NO!
Nicole glares at Koga.
Nicole: NO!
Nicole glares at Sesshomaru, then suddenly stops.
Nicole: Oh, it's okay, you can attack him.
Sesshomaru grins and cracks his knuckles some more, slowly moving toward Ryan. Ryan screams louder, like a little girl, and starts sucking his thumb.
Sesshomaru: Ah, I change my mind. Cowards don't taste good.
He rolls his eyes and sits as far away from Megan as the room allows, not willing to have another stiletto ruin his perfectly ironed clothing. Koga pouts and sits next to Sesshomaru, not wanting another kitchen knife thrown at his head. The camera zooms in on Nicole, who looks exasperated.
Nicole: (to Megan) Aren't you going to do something about your pervert?
The camera swings over to Megan, who sighs and goes to save Ryan, whom she doesn't realize is already safe again, then it zooms out slightly.
Megan: Sesshomaru, leave him alone.
Miroku: Megan, don't let Koga eat me! muttering Why does everyone try to kill me?
Leesil: Can I have my weapons back now?
The camera swings over to where Sesshomaru and Koga are sitting.
Sesshomaru: I AM leaving him alone! I'm on the other side of the room!
The camera swings back over to where the others are, having Nicole, Miroku, Leesil, Megan, and Ryan in the shot. Nicole waves her arms around.
Nicole: Hello? Megan? Aren't you going to punish Miroku for putting peepholes in the closet?
Ryan pouts. The camera swings over to Koga, who finally realizes that Miroku asked Megan not to let Koga kill him.
Koga: I'm not going to eat you! You would taste bad! Perverts are nasty!
The camera swings back over to Miroku's side of the room, who sticks his tongue out at Koga. Megan glares at Miroku.
Megan: Don't put peepholes in the closets. Nicole has two boyfriends (at least), already. She doesn't want you spying on her.
Miroku pouts.
Megan: Don't give me that look!
The camera swings over to Koga, who sticks his tongue out at Miroku. The camera then zooms out to include everyone in the room in the shot as Nicole rolls her eyes.
Nicole: Koga, stop acting like a little kid.
Koga pouts, while Sesshomaru is sucking his thumb.
Ryan: Why are you sucking your thumb?
Sesshomaru: Nervous habit, shut up.
Ryan: And I was actually SCARED of you.
He rolls his eyes, then Sesshomaru snarls at him.
Ryan: And now I'm scared again…
He quivers and whimpers.
Megan: Hey Ryan, maybe you shouldn't be the host anymore…you seem to get into a lot of fights…
Ryan: But I like being the host!
Nicole: Too bad.
She picks Ryan up and slings him over her shoulder, then dumps him outside on the stoop, dusting her hands off, the camera following her. She goes back into the room and the camera zooms back out again. Sesshomaru and Koga cheer.
Koga: Yay, he's gone!
Miroku: Yes! He's gone! That means I can do this!
Miroku kisses Megan. Megan apparently considers saying rape again, but decides against it and kisses him back. Leesil gets extremely jealous and curses in Elvish to the air.
Leesil: Valhachkasej'a!
The scene ends on Nicole jumping up and down and trying to get on the ceiling fan so she can ride it, Koga trying to get her down, Sesshomaru laughing and laughing as his face turns purple, Leesil pouting, Miroku grinning and kissing Megan, and Megan grinning and kissing Miroku. Then the camera goes black.
Production Note: Leesil's weapons were real, as we've said many times before. So gosh darn it, don't forget! glares at all the little kiddies playing with stilettos as they watch this program DARN IT, DON'T TRY WHAT HE DOES AT HOME! DIDN'T YOU SEE WHEN HE GOT HURT IN THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE? Not that we care, we just have to pretend that we do…for the sake of ratings. clears throat SO BE CAREFUL!
This episode was brought to you by: Bell Atlantic Phone Company…We don't exist anymore, so neither should you! a telephone growls and goes after all the people watching the reality program, waving a bloody butcher's knife in the air MUAHAHAHAHAHA!